Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal
by LinzRW
Summary: Second Book in the Criminally Insane Series. The Akatsuki, Kate, Hannah, and Dessie get sent to an alternate universe called Seanova. Featuring the Ikustaka, C-Itachi, exploding pancakes, The Great God Four, the return of the Love Guru, Squisher, the Madara problem, Felix, the sadistic queen, and Hannah and Zetsu's Video of Evil Blackmail.
1. It's a Bed Thing

**Hi! My name is LinzRW (previously known as "Fallen Angels Still Have Wings" and "Review Whore").**

**This is the second installment of the Criminally Insane Series and the sequel to _Survival Guide To The Criminally Insane Akatsuki_.**

**Do not read this story excepting profound characters. Read it expecting to laugh.**

**There are links to fanart for this book on my profile page. There is also a link to my facebook page, which you should like if you want to hear more about my work.**

**I love reviews. You can review the last chapter, you can review the chapters you liked best, you can review every single chapter. I love reviews. I operate under the philosophy of "the more the merrier" when it comes to reviews. So, please, let me know what you think.**

**Finally, read, review, and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One: It's a Bed Thing<strong>

**Kate**

About five months have passed since the war against the Wargonians and our drunken party (and no, Leader and Konan did not marry since Kakuzu felt obliged to run away with a gold wedding rings). What have the Akatsuki been up to in these last five months? Well, you know… The usual criminal stuff… kidnapping and killing jinchuriki… getting drunk… trying to push Hidan and Dessie into a relationship… Yep, just a normal criminal organization.

Anyways, since I get to start off this story (as I do every story), I guess I'd better tell you the beginning… It started on January 13th when Leader decided to show us out new hideout – the location is classified and I will not tell you…

"Welcome," said Leader in a grand voice. "To the brand new Akatsuki hideout!"

One-by-one the Akatsuki filed in. Blond hair flashing in the sun, Deidara went through first, followed by Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Hannah. Then went Hidan and Dessie, still fighting over who should get to step inside the new hideout first. After them came Itachi, rather uncaring about the whole ordeal, and Tobi who kept trying to hug-tackle Dessie. Kisame and I slipped in after Itachi, Kisame carefully to keep a firm grip on my hand which caused my face to turn a bright shade of red. Finally, bringing up the rear, was Leader and Konan.

"Dang," said Deidara, standing in the entrance way and staring at the interior of the new hideout. "How much did this cost?"

"It'd better have been cheap," said Kakuzu darkly.

"Don't worry," said Leader nonchalantly waving away Kakuzu's monetary concerns. "I had Hidan and Deidara take care of the workers before I had to pay them. This hideout is completely and one-hundred percent free."

Kakuzu grunted in approval while Dessie let out a shriek of delight and sprinted down the hallway, examining each and every room excitedly. "It's fantastic!" she cried as she reached the bedroom section of the hideout. After examining the rooms she returned to the group and said, in all seriousness, "Why are there only six bedrooms?"

There was a general unhappiness amongst the Akatsuki and Itachi turned to Leader and said, in his usual solemn voice, "We don't get our own rooms?"

Leader cursed and stormed past Dessie to examine the rooms himself. He returned with a shadowed expression. "I _told_ those builders that I wanted twelve bedrooms – and what do they do!? Give me six!? I'm going to crush their skulls into tiny pieces and…"

"You can't," said Hannah helpfully. "They're already dead."

At this point Hidan and Deidara exchanged gleeful grins at the memory of sacrificing/exploding the builders.

Leader sighed and rubbed his temples wearily. "Well then, after that oversight on my part, I suppose we'll have to make do…"

It was hard to tell who voiced the first complaint – Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu, or Zetsu. Basically, Hidan didn't want to share a room with that 'crazy-ass heartless dipshit' and Kakuzu did not want to share a room with someone who leaves pools of blood in the bathroom. Deidara did not want to spend one more second in the same room as that hyperactive Tobi and Zetsu didn't want to have to room by himself again (I felt a wave of pity for poor Zetsu).

"You're all a bunch of whining bitches," grumbled Leader.

"We can resolve this," said Konan gently, patting Leader on the shoulder and turning to face the Akatsuki. "First off – we need two rooms for the girls."

The Akatsuki burst into angry protest. Kakuzu suggested that all four girls share one room and the Akatsuki boys will divide the rest amongst themselves. Dessie was completely against that and – after a massive shouting competition between the girls and boys, Hannah thrust her hand into the air and waited for Leader to call on her.

"Yes?" said Leader slowly after he had finished threatening the Akatsuki into silence. "What do you want, Hannah?"

"Someone can use the basement as a room," suggested Hannah. "Then we'll have seven bedrooms…"

Tobi let out a scream and cowered behind Dessie while Kisame drew his sword and looked around wildly.

Konan sighed. "How about we don't mention the basement again for a long while… After the whole blue orb experience I don't think anyone wants near another basement again for a long while."

"I'll take it."

Slowly, everyone turned to stare at Kakuzu, who, in bored tones, repeated, "I'll take it. I'll sleep in the basement as long as I can get away from the blood fiend." He jerked his thumb in the direction of Hidan.

"Oh… Well then," said Konan. "That takes care of that…"

"I get my own room," declared Leader abruptly. "And a king-sized bed."

"That's selfish," I whispered and Kisame patted me comfortingly.

"Ah-ha!" said Deidara, pointing at Kisame and me wildly. "Ah-ha! Why don't we just room Kate and Kisame together! No one wants to room with Kate since Kisame will sneak in every night anyways, uhn."

Itachi nodded in agreement.

I felt a blush work its way up my cheeks and I buried my face in my hands. "What are you talking about!?"

"Hell yeah," said Dessie, pointing angrily at Kisame. "If I have to share a room with Kate – I will _not_ put up with Kisame crawling around in our room in the middle of the night doing dirty stuff."

Kisame wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders and grinned maliciously at Dessie. "You can't stop me."

I let out a tiny squeak.

"Perverts," muttered Deidara.

"I think that's a perfectly reasonable idea," said Leader. "Though we might want to buy two single beds… I don't think Kate could live through a night in the same bed as Kisame. She would die of embarrassment."

I was already about to die of embarrassment.

"Then why don't Hidan and Dessie room together," said Kisame. "No one wants to share with them while they're doing their ridiculous Jashinist rituals in the bathtub. At least if they share a room they can leave the rest of us in peace."

"What!?" wailed Dessie.

"Hell no!" screamed Hidan.

"That sounds good," said Konan. "It's no different that Kisame and Kate."

"Yes it is!" cried Dessie, punching Hidan in the shoulder for the heck of it. "That shithead and I aren't dating!"

"You practically are," said Zetsu. "It makes no difference to us."

Tobi looked ready to cry. "But Tobi wanted to share a room with Dessie-Nunu." His frown suddenly transformed into a smile and, before anyone knew what was happening, he flung his arms around Hannah's neck and yelled, "Tobi wants to share a room with Hannah-Nunu."

"Sorry, Tobi," said Konan. "But I think it's best if Hannah and I share a room…"

Tobi, Zetsu, and Deidara looked crest-fallen. At the sight of this, Dessie burst out laughing and I let out a couple of giggles, trying to mask them for poor Zetsu's sake.

"So," said Leader. "Who does that leave?"

"Two rooms," said Konan. "And it leaves Zetsu, Deidara, Itachi, and Tobi…"

At this, a sly grin crossed Leader's face as he turned to regard the remaining Akatsuki. "Well then, since Deidara doesn't want to room with Tobi…"

Deidara was pointing frantically at Itachi.

"I guess it's only right to room Deidara and Zetsu together and Itachi and Tobi together. Think of it's a Uchiha Bonding Time, Itachi. And Deidara, Zetsu…" Leader was still grinning. "At least you guys have something in common." And with that, he left the Akatsuki gawping and went to claim the largest room for himself.

"Wow," said Dessie. "I never knew Leader was _that_ evil."

**Hannah**

Hi. Welcome back. Did you miss me? I didn't miss you.

Anyways, back to the story, I have to say that out of the rooming arrangements, I think I got the best deal. There's nothing wrong with Konan and – out of the whole Akatsuki – I would have to say she is the sanest. We ended up claiming the room closest to the front door and right across the hall to the study (Konan is very dedicated to her work). I decided it was best not to mention that our room was also right across from Leader's.

There was absolute nothing in our room except four beige walls, a white ceiling, being carpet, and a couple of dead flies in the corner. Furniture had to come later. Thankfully, Leader had sent Kakuzu and Itachi out to buy beds for everyone so that way I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping on the floor tonight.

"This is going to be interesting," I said, leaning back against my suitcase (which contained every possession I had in this world).

"The rooms?" asked Konan.

I nodded. "Kisame and Kate… Dessie and Hidan… Deidara and Zetsu… Itachi and Tobi…"

Konan smiled slightly and began fiddling with a piece of paper. "I wonder if Itachi will finally crack under the constant presence of Tobi."

"They'll be apart on missions," I pointed out.

"True…"

There was a heavy creak and our heads turned in the direction of the hallway.

"They're back…" I said slowly.

Konan slowly got to her feet and made her way to the hallway. I followed her quickly. We found ourselves facing Itachi and Kakuzu. Kakuzu looked quite pleased with himself while Itachi looked bored with the whole affair.

"How'd it go?" asked Konan tentatively.

"Great," said Kakuzu. "The store owner offered me a great discount – buy one get one free."

Itachi coughed and mutter something about Kakuzu and threats. I had the sinking suspicion that Kakuzu's 'discount' was not exactly legal.

"Um…" I glanced around the hallway before turning back to Kakuzu and asking, "So where are the beds?"

Without a word, Itachi pulled a scroll from his back and held it up for me to see. As always the Akatsuki had to show of their ability to make objects appear out of nowhere.

"Okay," said Konan. "Why don't you go put the beds in everyone's rooms… You know which ones are which…"

Itachi walked past Konan with a stiff nod and Kakuzu remained standing by us, letting Itachi do all the hard work.

"So how much did it end up costing us?" asked Konan.

"Barely anything. The salesman was _very_ generous."

"Almost anyone would be that generous with you grinning at him," I muttered.

Kakuzu decided to ignore my comment, still gloating over his successful bargaining skills.

There was a cry of outrage and, suddenly, Kate threw open her bedroom door and came sprinting towards us. Kisame came after her, a huge grin smacked across his face and Itachi walked behind Kisame. Kate came to a halt in front of us, gasping for air and glaring angrily at Kakuzu.

"What's wrong?" asked Konan.

"Did Kisame try to rape you again?" asked Kakuzu cheerfully (or as cheerfully as Kakuzu can be).

"Who's screaming?"

The door at the end of hall opened and Dessie and Hidan made their way over to where the rest of us stood. I blinked and – after a moment – I realized that they were both covered in blood and quite pleased with themselves.

"Don't tell me," I said. "You two made another sacrifice to Jashin. You just got your new room and already you're staining the bathtub with blood…"

Dessie licked a bit of blood off her wrist and nodded.

"I thought you couldn't use chakra," said Itachi thoughtfully.

"She can't," said Hidan proudly. "Only I can form a link between my victim and myself and suffer agonizing pain together…" (insert mad laugh here).

"I can still kill people though," said Dessie. "But anyways, who's screaming? Is it Kate?"

"Why do you always assume it's me?" groaned Kate irritably.

"Who else screams like that?" asked Dessie. "Unless it's Kisame."

"It wasn't me," promised Kisame.

"There you go," said Dessie. "It's not Kisame so it must be you, Kate."

"Hurray for deductive reasoning," I muttered.

Kate sighed and then turned to face Kakuzu her anger from earlier returning. Her face changed to a bright shade of red and she said, "Why did you only buy a queen sized bed for Kisame's and my room!?"

Dessie let out a snort of laughter. "Really?"

"Don't think you're so special," said Kakuzu. "Hidan and Dessie also have a queen-sized bed to share."

"WHAT!?" screamed Dessie and Hidan in unison.

Konan sighed and slapped the palm of her hand against her forehead. The remaining Akatsuki emerged from their rooms to see what all the fuss was about. After I conveniently filled them in on the story Deidara bent over with fits of laughter while even Zetsu cracked a smile.

"It's not funny!" shouted Dessie. "I will murder you, you bastard, Kakuzu!" Dessie leapt past Kisame in a wild attempt to throttle Kakuzu by the throat. However, I managed to grab her by the wrist and pull her away before she could put her own life in danger by going up one-on-one with Kakuzu – not that Hidan wouldn't help her anyways.

"Let me kill him, Hannah, please…" said Dessie, struggling against my grip.

"Oh shut up," I said, turning to Kakuzu. "Why would you do that?"

"It was cheaper than buying to separate single beds," said Kakuzu, shrugging.  
>"Besides, Kate and Kisame are dating – they should get used to sharing a bed."<p>

"What about my purity!?" wailed Kate. "I don't want to share a bed with a man!"

"And what about Dessie and me!?" snapped Hidan. "We're aren't dating, you dick!"

"You practically are, uhn," pointed out Deidara.

"Why didn't Itachi stop Kakuzu?" asked Zetsu thoughtfully.

Everyone turned to look at Itachi who was still staring neutrally at the group. He sighed and said, "I don't have to share a bed with Tobi. That's really all I care about."

Dessie made a strangling motion in the direction of Itachi and cried, "How could you be so cruel!? Did our time together mean nothing to you!?"

Itachi considered Dessie for a moment and said, "No, not really."

While Kisame restrained Dessie from attacking Itachi and Hidan cheered her on, Leader pondered the situation and came up with a solution. "Well, the store won't be open at this time of day… Which means we'll have to do with what we got…"

"I'm not sharing a bed with _him_!" screamed Dessie at the same time that Hidan shouted, "I'm not sharing a bed with _her_!"

Kate's face turned bright red and cried, "I'm not ready to share a bed!"

Kisame grinned and patted Kate on the shoulder happily. "I'll go gentle on you."

"Urg…" I muttered. "This is going to be hell…"

"Oh shut up, all you," snapped Leader. "I'm not done yet. I was going to say that Kate and Dessie will share a bed tonight and Hidan and Kisame will share a bed. Then, when morning comes, Kakuzu will go return to two queen-sized beds and buy four _single_ beds."

Kakuzu groaned in protest while Kisame and Hidan let out noises of outrage.

"Kisame," Dessie said darkly. "Don't even think of sneaking into our room in the middle of the night."

"I said – _shut up_. If another one of you breaths a single word of protest I will mangle you from limb to limb – break every _bone_ in your body and let Zetsu use you as fertilizer for his vicious man-eating plant friends! Understand?"

Mutely, everyone nodded.

"Oh…" said Itachi thoughtfully. "Kakuzu bought you a queen-sized bed too."

Leader paused, his right eye twitching maniacally as he slowly rounded on Kakuzu. "_Did I not specifically request a king sized bed_!?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Queen-sized was cheaper…"

"Kakuzu! I am going to kill you!"

**Dessie**

I was having the strangest dream that night… I was on a boat – a pirate's boat with a skull-and-cross-bones flying high above my head on a black flag. The sky was gray and stormy and winds whipped all around us, water lapping overboard as wave upon wave slammed into the side of the boat.

I tried to cling onto the ropes, but one final, massive wave struck the ship and I was thrown over board with incredible force. My body slammed into the surface of the water and I found myself sinking down, down, down towards the bottom of the sea. And a dark shadow was looming ever closer… drawn to the smell of blood.

Within moments, I found myself face-to-face with the gray-blue face of a shark.

I screamed.

My leg lashed out, trying to get the shark as far away from me as possible.

And then suddenly, I wasn't drowning in storm-tossed waters anymore. I was lying under the covers of a queen-sized bed with Kate sleeping peacefully next to me. Only one thing had not changed – there was still was shark leaning over me.

"Kisame! You creeper! Get the hell off of me before I turn you into sushi!"

I kicked the shark in the jaw and he fell off the bed half in shock and half in pain. I leapt out of the covers and onto the floor while Kate sat up groggily and looked around.

"Sharing a bed with Hidan would have been better than this, you shithead!" I screamed.

And, after giving Kisame one good kick between the legs, I stormed off to find the room where Kisame had been sleeping. I stumbled through the darkness sleepily and, after throwing open the door; I collapsed onto the queen-sized bed and closed my eyes.

"What the hell?" asked Hidan, rolling over.

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"Whatever…"

Yep, and that was how the Akatsuki and their whores spent their first night in the new hideout. Needless to say, it was quite the adventure – especially when Kate woke up in the morning, screaming as she realized she had just spent the night in the same bed as a man (even if that man was her boyfriend). Also, apparently Zetsu tried to gnaw Deidara's arm off in the middle of the night and Deidara blew a whole in the wall. Of course, this woke up Leader, who tried to crush Deidara's windpipe for causing extensive damages to the new hideout, and Kakuzu joined in the fray threatening to make Deidara and Zetsu pay for it. Someone woke Konan up and she went wild and unleashed her paper storm on the four men.

Then, to make matter worse, after the whole Deidara-Zetsu argument had died down and everyone went back to bed, Tobi woke up in the early hours of the morning after having a nightmare and tried to crawl into bed with "Deidara-senpai". Well, Itachi did not take well to that and ended up sharinganing Tobi into yet another nightmare.

But Hidan and I didn't hear about any of this until the next morning, because we enjoyed a flawless night's sleep.


	2. A New Kind of Pancake

**Chapter Two: A New Kind of Pancake**

**Kate**

Single-sized beds are called so for a reason – _they are meant for only one person_. I think someone should try explaining this to Kisame since he has taken up the habit of crawling into my bed almost every single night.

I rolled over in my bed one Saturday morning (about a week after we had moved into the new hideout) and, sure enough, I found Kisame lying in bed next to me, his arm wrapped around my waist. I sighed and, having given up on any chance of maintaining my purity, I slipped out from underneath the covers and darted over to the adjoining bathroom for a fresh morning shower.

After a luscious cleaning, I darted out of the room as quietly as possible to avoid waking Kisame. There were some upsides to being the early riser in the Akatsuki. It means that I am able to witness one of the few moments of silence in the Akatsuki hideout. Of course, things have been extra chaotic lately as we've been moving in to our new home.

When I arrived in the kitchen I saw, for once, that I was not the first person awake today. Zetsu stood, facing the fridge, rummaging about for some food that I could not see.

"Good morning," I said, making my way over to the pantry.

Zetsu turned around and I saw that he was nibbling on a human leftovers. A year ago that would have put me off my breakfast, but now I only turned a _little_ bit green. I managed a smile in the direction of Zetsu and pulled some ingredients out of the pantry. "I think I'll make pancakes…" I glanced at Zetsu. "Want some?"

He shook his head and took another bite of flesh. "We're good."

I started placing ingredients into the bowl and, after a few minutes of awkward silence between Zetsu and I, the kitchen door opened and a certain blond fur ball came in.

"Good morning, Deidara," I said cheerfully.

"Urg…" groaned Deidara, scratching his pile of blond bed-head irritably. "Don't smile so much in the mornings…"

"You're up early," I said.

Zetsu chuckled darkly while Deidara shot an angrily glare in his direction. After minute, I decided I didn't really want to know why Deidara was up. Instead, I busied myself with the pancake batter.

Suddenly, Deidara appeared at my side, peering over my shoulder at the mixture. "Are you making some more of you delicious pancakes, uhn?"

I nodded.

"I knew there was a reason we kept you around, uhn," said Deidara cheerfully.

"Not because Kisame would kill us if we ate her?" asked Zetsu.

Deidara and I glanced awkwardly at Zetsu before Deidara said, "Um… No… We keep her around because she can actually cook – unlike the rest of the male species in this hole, uhn."

"And because I am some experience in medicine," I reminded him. "For hanging out with Shizune during the war against the Wargonians."

Deidara patted me on the shoulder. "Stick to cooking."

"She's not being our doctor," said Zetsu and he rummaged through the fridge for more human parts.

"Can I help you cook?" asked Deidara eagerly.

I couldn't see any reason not to let Deidara help cook and nodded my head. I had him mix the pancake batter while I ran to the pantry to grab some more ingredients. When I returned, Deidara was still mixing and I asked, "So what's it like to share a room with Zetsu?"

Deidara shuddered. "Awful. I'm amazing my limbs are all still intact, uhn."

"We try," said Zetsu gloomily.

"Didn't you blow a hole in the wall the first night here?" I asked.

Deidara groaned and stopped stirring long enough for me to add the rest of the ingredients. "Don't remind me. Leader and Kakuzu almost killed me. The wall was fixed all of two days ago."

"How much did it cost?"

"Let's just say I won't be treating anyone to sake anytime soon, uhn."

I smiled, recalling the last time anyone got drunk and Kisame tried to get Deidara and Tobi to "hitch up". Tobi transformed into Madara and nearly beat the living daylights out of Kisame. At least Kisame let me practice my medical skills on him – he's the only one who will let me be his doctor. Of course, Kisame also requites that I wear a nurse's outfit with a short skirt when I care for him…

"What smells fucking good?"

The kitchen door opened once again and two people stormed in. I didn't recognize them at first since they were covered in red blood, but, after a minute, it dawned on me that they were Hidan and Dessie.

"What have you been doing!" I wailed, covering my eyes.

Deidara made a face. "This is why no one wants to share a room with you, uhn."

Zetsu, however, licked his lips and gazed at Hidan and Dessie hungrily. "We wouldn't mind as long as we get the leftovers."

"Help yourself," said Hidan. "They're of not use to us – their as stone shit dead as a doormat."

"Stone shit dead?" asked Dessie.

"Yep. Stone shit dead – got a problem with it?"

Dessie considered. "No, I rather like it. Can I use it later on?"

Hidan grinned triumphantly and folded his arms. "Only if you admit that Jashin reigns supreme and I am more awesome than you'll ever be."

Dessie kicked him in the shins and sprinted to the other side of the kitchen, laughing maniacally. "Hell no, asshole! Warg is stronger than Jashin will ever be!"

"You're a Jashinist now!" snapped Hidan, hopping about and clutching his shin. "You should not have such _dangerous_ thoughts about that shitty god! Pray to Jashin for forgiveness!"

"I may be Jashinist," said Dessie. "But I'm still worship Warg deep down inside."

"Heathen!"

Zetsu looked from Dessie to Hidan and back to Dessie before he said confusedly, "If Dessie still worships Warg – even a little – why does Jashin grant her immortality?"

Hidan considered this before shouting, "Hell yeah! She's just _pretending_ to worship Warg! Deep down inside she really is devoted to the almighty Jashin! Praise Jashin!"

"Nope," said Dessie. "I'm pretty sure Warg comes before Jashin."

"Shut up, whore."

I kept my hand fixated over my mouth as I watched Dessie and Hidan prance around the kitchen. Blood droplets from the most recent ritual dripped down onto the floor, leaving a red mess about the kitchen.

"What's cooking?" asked Dessie, leaning over my shoulder. "Pancakes?"

I shook my head and stepped away from her quickly. "You don't get any pancakes until _after_ you clean all that blood off of you – get a shower."

"Can't," said Dessie proudly. "Our bathroom is covered in blood."

Zetsu started to drool while Deidara looked disgusted. "How wild are your rituals – aren't you supposed to keep the blood to the bathtub, uhn?"

"Dessie tried to gouge my eyes out in the middle of the ritual," said Hidan.

"You slapped my ass."

Hidan snorted. "You backed into a cupboard, moron – my hands were no where near you ass."

Dessie slapped her butt and grinned at Hidan. "Look at this sexy ass, shithead. You know it's irresistible." She wiggled it about so that Hidan could not miss it.

I glanced over at Hidan and – after getting a look at his expression – I couldn't decide if he was repulsed by this or enjoying it. I decided it was better not to ask and said, "Get a shower or no pancakes for you."

"Our is covered in blood," repeated Dessie.

"Then use Deidara's," I said wearily.

"But there are two of us," said Dessie. She glanced wearily at Hidan and, before he knew what as going on, Dessie darted out of the kitchen and down the hallway screaming, "I get first dibs on shower!"

"Aw shit," said Hidan. "The bitch."

"Don't worry," said Zetsu. "You can use Kate's shower."

I opened my mouth in protest, but Hidan grinned at me and, without another word, he left the kitchen in the direction of my bedroom.

"But Kisame's still sleeping…" I said slowly.

"He won't be for long, uhn."

Sure enough, barely two minutes later, a moping, morning-faced Kisame stumbled into the kitchen. He looked around blindly from Zetsu, who was nibbling on a human foot, to Deidara and me, who were finishing up the pancake batter. Blearily, he said, "Why is there a trail of blood leading from our bathroom to the kitchen?"

"Hidan is borrowing our shower," I muttered.

"Doesn't he have his own?"

"It's covered in blood…" I explained. "Dessie is borrowing Zetsu and Deidara's shower."

"Why don't they just clean their own?"

"Because I said they wouldn't get pancakes until they washed all the blood off…"

Kisame's face brightened at this and he sidled up to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning over to see the pancake batter Deidara and I had concocted. "It looks delicious. Do I get some?"

"First pancake done," I promised.

"You know what would taste good…" said Kisame slowly.

"If you're about to suggest adding fish to the pancake batter I will blow you from here to Wargonia, uhn," said Deidara as he placed the pan on the stove and added butter to it.

"Fine," snapped Kisame as he made his way over to the fridge. "Don't listen to my awesome suggestions."

"That's because they suck," said Deidara.

"You're insults sound like that of a five-year-old," said Kisame. "Who uses 'sucks' anymore?"

Deidara snorted. "Your girlfriend."

I glanced up indignantly from my work and snapped, "Deidara, you suck!"

Kisame face-palmed himself while Deidara collapsed into a fit of laughter. Zetsu even cracked a smile between bites of human toe.

Once again, the door to the kitchen opened and Tobi came in clutching his Hannah doll tightly to his chest (the doll was a Christmas present from Dessie – needless to say Dessie got quite a few whacks on the head by the frying pan for this).

"Good morning, Tobi," I said.

Tobi completely ignored me and skipped across the room to give "Deidara-senpai" a hug. I sighed. This was nothing new.

"Did Deidara-senpai have a good night's sleep?" asked Tobi, hugging his Hannah doll tightly to his chest.

"No," grumbled Deidara. "Don't bring it up."

"Well, Tobi and Itachi-senpai are having fun slumber parties together," cried Tobi. "But Itachi-senpai won't pay House with Tobi. And Itachi-senpai doesn't fit the role of Mommy as good as Deidara-senpai does."

"Tobi…" said Deidara slowly. "I am going to strangle you…"

Zetsu inspected the Hannah doll in Tobi's hands and said, thoughtfully, "I wonder if Dessie will make us one…"

"Don't count on it."

The kitchen door was open and the brown-haired Hannah stood in the doorway looking extremely cross this morning. Konan stood behind her, talking to Leader in undertones. Suddenly, Leader's eyes widened and he looked over in the direction of the kitchen thoughtfully. "Are those pancakes that I smell?"

"Yes, Leader," I said, giving the mixture one last stir. "Would you like some?"

"Konan and I are going to do some paperwork – bring us some pancakes when you're done."

"Yes, Leader," I said as he and Konan disappeared from view.

Hannah, on the other hand, stepped inside thee kitchen and joined Zetsu at the freezer. She took one look at the foot Zetsu was holding and said, in her usual passive voice, "Nice. Taste good?"

Zetsu nodded appreciatively.

Hannah considered for a moment, "Maybe I should try it some time."

"That's disgusting," said Kisame.

"It's practical," said Hannah. "Waste not; want not, Fish Fry,"

"We made you pancakes, Hannah," said Deidara, waving the batter-coated spoon in front of Hannah's face for her to see. "So you don't have to resort to cannibalism yet, uhn."

Hannah shrugged before making her way across the kitchen to help herself to the pot of coffee. At that moment, Kakuzu entered the kitchen and, catching sight of the coffee practically sprinted across the room.

"A good morning to you too," I muttered darkly.

"So," said Hannah. "Did you hear about the black market scam the other day?"

"Huh?" Kisame looked clueless while Kakuzu leaned over excitedly and said, "Why didn't we think of that – it was pure genius!"

"Um… Kakuzu…" said Hannah slowly. "We did think of it."

"I know," said Kakuzu. "And we pulled it off. Pure genius."

"Hannah-Nunu sure is evil!" cried Tobi, his eyes wide with adoring horror.

"That was you…" said Deidara. "And where's all your plunder?"

"No where within your reach," said Kakuzu darkly. "Don't even think of checking under my mattress, because its not there."

"Yep," said Deidara. "You learned that the last time."

"What kind of moron would think it's funny to blow up a mattress stuffed with money!"

I sighed and tried to avoid Kakuzu's black tentacles as he attempted to destroy Deidara for the umpteenth time this week. Carefully, I took a cup of the pancake mixture and pouring it onto the heated pan.

KA-BOOM!

The stove exploded.

The clay exploded.

Half the kitchen exploded in one gigantic rush of flames and ash.

And I just so happened to be standing in the middle of the explosion. I probably would have been blown into little pieces if Kisame had not drive at me at the last second and knocked me out of the way before the flames could consume me.

A second later, the explosion was over, leaving me lying on the ground with a very heavy Kisame on top as he tried to wipe the ash and other debris off his back. We sat up and looked around wildly. Hannah was cowering in the corner with Kakuzu bent over her, his skin hardened like a rock. Zetsu had closed the leaves of his Venus flytrap and was slowly opening them, his face the image of shock. Tobi had actually shut himself inside the fridge and kept shrieking at the top of his lungs every two seconds. The only person who was completely unconcerned was Deidara, who stood in the middle of the room laughing like a criminally insane pyromaniac (which he was).

"I didn't think it'd work so well, uhn."

"What'd work so well, Deidara-senpai," said Tobi, slowly stepping out of the fridge.

"Don't tell me…" said Hannah, staggering to her feet. "You put your explosive clay in the pancake batter…"

Deidara nodded enthusiastically.

Without a word, Hannah reached for the nearest frying pan and swung it above her shoulder, reading to unleash her full fury on Deidara. However, her attack was interrupted by a high pitched scream.

The door of the kitchen was thrown open and Dessie came running in – wrapped in nothing but a towel.

Her black hair was sopping wet and dripped into her eyes. She was fresh from the shower with steam still rising off her skin and her eyes were wide in absolute horror. "What was that? What went boom? Where's the pancakes!"

Everyone stared.

I think Kisame might have a nose-bleed… and maybe Deidara too.

"Dessie-Nunu!" screamed Tobi, jumping halfway across the room to fling his arms around Dessie's shoulders in an attempt to cover her up. "Dessie-Nunu should be more modest!"

"Get the hell off me, you moron," said Dessie, kicking Tobi off of her. "You're the biggest pervert here." She turned to regard the blackened stove and half decimated kitchen before screaming at the top of her lungs, "Who destroyed the pancake batter!"

"D–" Zetsu began, but he was interrupted.

Once again the kitchen door flew open and Hidan came running in. But, unlike Dessie, he wasn't modest enough to wear a towel.

My purity has been erased forever…

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I did a shit ton of writing on the airplane ride back home... Which is why I managed to update before school started. Aren't you all happy?**

**GUESS WHAT PEOPLE! THE NEXT CHAPTER HAS PLOT! What is this, you ask. Fallen Angels actually has plot? There's no fifty chapters of random events for our amusement? She's actually starting the story with PLOT? Blasphemy! Lies, you say. Well, I quite agree with you. However, I, Fallen Angels Still Have Wings, have plot. And it will be introduced in the next chapter. **

**Please, please, please join Team Chester! My friend and I were discussing how uncreative Harry Potter is with the names of places. the "Great Hall", the "Great Lake", the "Giant Squid"... So we decided to rename the Giant Squid Chester. Please join Team Chester! I made a "copy and paste" thing on my profile page - please put on your own profile page to that Team Chester can spread! JOIN TEAM CHESTER!**

**Also, review. Otherwise Deidara will make you pancakes for breakfast. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn**


	3. Hello, Meet Squisher

**Chapter Three: Hello, Meet Squisher**

**Hannah**

"This sucks."

"Like rotten eggs."

"What is this?"

Dessie leaned over to peer at the black, twisted thing in Hidan's hand. She squinted and, after a minute or so, she said, "I think it might have been a dish towel… either that or a plastic spoon."

Angrily, Hidan rounded on Deidara, waggling the (possible) wooden spoon in Deidara' face. "See! See! This is what happens when you play around with your fucking explosives all the time! Not _only_ do we not get to eat delicious pancakes, but we also have to clean the whole kitchen!"

Dessie groaned and smacked Hidan on the back of the head. "Quit bitching at get to work." She turned to me wearily. "Why do Hidan and I have to clean the kitchen again? Deidara's the one who blew it up."

"Well," I said. "According to Leader the people who _befouled_ the kitchen have to clean it. And since you and Hidan ran around the kitchen in your birthday suits, I think that counts as _befouling_ it."

"I was not in my birthday suit!" cried Dessie indignantly.

"A towel is about as close to it as you can get," said Hidan.

Dessie decided now would be a good time to dump the bucker of ash-and-soot water on top of Hidan's head. As he sputtered himself back to reality I decided now would be a good time to leave the kitchen. I made my way down the hallway to the new living room (this one had a bigger flat screen TV). Kakuzu was slouched across the couch, scanning the newspaper for any recent reports on the black market scandal. Itachi was sitting in the blue lazy boy, reading yet another non-fiction book of his while Tobi sat at Itachi's feet and played with his Hannah doll (curse you Dessie!).

"Hey," I said, taking a seat in the rocking chair beside Kakuzu.

"Hn."

"Hey…"

"Good afternoon, Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi, waving at me excitedly from the other side of the room. "Does Hannah-Nunu want to play with Tobi?"

"No." I peered over to see if Kakuzu had found any good articles about the black market scandal. "Anything?"

"Not a single word. It's like they forgot about us completely."

"Awful. How dare they," I said, leaning back. "We ought to pull another scam just to show them up."

"And the large sum of money we'll get from the scam has nothing to do with it?"

"Nope," I said, shaking my head. "Nothing at all."

"Hannah-Nunu…" whined Tobi. "Come play…"

"No."

"Let's play poker," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "I haven't played that in forever…"

"That would be because no one except Dessie is willing to take you on anymore," I pointed out. "I'm sick of having all my money taken away from me. I'm rich and I want to stay that way."

Kakuzu grunted and returned to his newspaper. Tobi, on the other hand, got to his feet and made his way across the room to come sit on my lap. He giggled and cried, in an even louder, shriekier voice, "Play with Tobi, Hannah-Nunu!"

"No."

Tobi bounced up and down excitedly. "Come on! You have to play House with Tobi and Deidara-senpai! Tobi will be the daddy, Deidara-senpai will be the mommy, and Hannah-Nunu will be our daughter."

"I thought Deidara was the daddy and Hannah was the mommy," muttered Kakuzu.

I debated throwing my shoe at Kakuzu's head, but Tobi started shaking me violently by the shoulders and I was momentarily distracted. I managed a strangled, "Help… me…" And, to my surprise, Itachi got up from his seat and removed Tobi from the rocking chair. I quickly got to my feet and, with a quick 'thank you' to Itachi, I darted out the door in the direction of the only Tobi-free zone in the entire hideout – Leader's office.

I knocked tentatively on the door and, when no one shouted death threats at me. I decided it was safe to go in. The office was much larger than before and the shelves were all neatly organized. Leader sat behind his desk in the middle of the room, working away strenuously. A deep furrow had appeared between his eyebrows as he concentrated especially hard of his work. To the right of Leader, Konan's desk rested perpendicular to his. Konan, however, was not working hard at all, but rather making little paper cranes out of the 'Trash' file.

"Hey," I greeted them.

Leader grunted something that sounded oddly like a greeting, while Konan looked up, plainly relived, and said, "Hello."

"I'm bored."

Konan glanced in the direction of Leader before mouthing "Me too."

I laughed and leaned against the wall, watching as she carefully folded bits of paper.

"Is that fun?" I asked.

Konan glanced up and nodded. "I love origami."

"How long have you been making them?"

A small smile flitted across Konan's face and she said, "A long time. Ever since we were kids…" She glanced in the direction of Leader. "He used to help, but not anymore. Now he's too busy chasing after world peace."

"And where would we find world peace without our every day origami," I said, grinning wickedly.

On the other side of the room, Leader's eye twitched irritably.

"I don't think world peace depends on the creation of origami," said Konan thoughtfully.

"I beg to differ," I said. "Origami is a peaceful practice – no violence involved at all. I bet if every single person sat down once a day and made something out of origami there would be a lot less violence in the world."

"And a lot less trees."

I shrugged. "Some times Mother Nature needs to make sacrifices."

"Do you mind?" asked Leader crossly. "Some of us are _trying_ to work here."

Konan and I glanced at Leader. We lowered our voices to a whisper and continued our conversation. We talked for a good hour or so about very many things. Origami, food, origami, missions, origami, shopping, origami, families, origami (Konan likes her origami very much). Eventually, however, the conversation turned to the most dreaded topic – Zetsu's eating habits (yes, I don't know how we got there either)/

"He wasn't always a cannibal," said Konan.

"I find that hard to believe," I muttered. "I just thought he fell out of his mother… or wherever he came from – and started eating people. Maybe he ate his mother…"

"That's disgusting," said Konan. "I'm pretty sure he didn't have a mother. He was a creation…. Of some sort."

"Orochimaru?"

Konan shook her head. "Of someone else."

"And being a freak-of-nature creation cause him to become a cannibal?'

Again, she shook her head. "His original job in the Akatsuki was to, um, dispose of any evidence that might give our enemies information on the Akatsuki… And, for some reason, he decided to do so by eating the dead bodies."

"That's even more disgusting than eating his own mother."

"Well, anyways," said Konan. "After awhile he just started eating humans on a regular basis."

"And to think," I said. "I'm married to the guy."

"You were drunk…"

"That doesn't make my situation any better. In fact," I said. "It might make it even worse."

"Always look on the bright side?"

Suddenly, Leader slammed his fist against the table and stood up abruptly. He glared around the room at Konan and I, his eyes bright with rage. "You _women_," he said, as if it were the worst possible insult he could come up with. "All you do is sit around and _talk_ endlessly. While _some of us_ are trying to work, you _talk_ and _talk_ and _talk_ until our ears fall off! Have you _ever_ considered sitting down and shutting up!"

"Someone sounds like he got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," muttered Konan under her breath.

"Don't start with me," snapped Leader. "I have no issues with sawing your ears off and feeding them to _Zetsu_. And then I will make you play House with Tobi for the next decade while Hidan and Dessie use your room as a sacrificial chamber. And _then_, I will take you by the–"

Leader never got to finish his threat. He just sort of stopped, mid-sentence, and trailed off into oblivion. His eyes had snagged on something in the middle of the room, the sight of which had stunned him into silence. Konan and I slowly followed his gaze and found ourselves staring at the most gruesome, _horrible_, _insidious_ image ever – a glowing blue orb.

Needless to say, we took the most heroic action possible and, with screams and shouts of horror, we pulled Konan's desk over to use it as a shield and cowered behind it, praying that the blue orb was all a dream.

For those of you who may have forgotten, the Akatsuki do not have the best track record with blowing blue orbs. Our most recent encounters as involved – inter dimensional travel, crazy family reunions, blowing up school building, being chased by cops, running into Wargonians, having a massive war with beings from another dimension, and blowing up our old hideout.

Let's just say that we don't like glowing blue orbs very much.

After a good five minutes of crouching behind Konan's desk, Leader decided it was time for someone to be brave. "Konan," he hissed. "Go check out what's going on."

"Why don't you?" she snapped. "You're the leader here, _Leader_."

I sighed and resisted the urge to slam my head against the desk leg. Why is everyone I know a complete psycho? I got to my feet and peered over the top of the desk. To my surprise, the glowing blue orb wasn't there any more and, in its place, was a small, two-foot high blue gnome.

Yep, you heard me – a blue gnome. And, if I might add, a very cross looking one. He was wearing a brown smock with a scraggly white beard and white hair poking our underneath a bright red baseball cap (apparently our blue gnome was a fan). His arms were folded and he was scowling at the room and tapping his foot impatiently. When he caught sight of me, the gnome grunted, "It's about time."

"Um…" I glanced down at Leader and Konan and said, "It's alright…I think…"

Leader got to his feet and, looking rather affronted, he stared down at the gnome. "Who are you and what are you doing here? Speak quickly."

Konan knelt beside me and gazed over the top of the desk, She blinked and, after a minute or so of staring at the gnome, she said, "Well that's not nearly so scary."

"Did you just say that a glowing blue orb is more frightening than me?" asked the gnome darkly.

"Yes."

"Do you not know who I am?"

"No."

Leader sighed. "I did just ask you that two minutes ago. If you would just tell us, we can get on with the interrogation."

The gnome sniffed haughtily. "This I not an interrogation. I am here representing the great and almighty Four."

"Four?" I asked. "What's that?"

"Not _what_ – _who_," snapped the gnome. "Four is the almighty lord of time and the fabric of space–"

"Oh no," said Leader, holding up a hand to stop the gnome right in the middle of his tracks. "If you're about to bring another god into the story I will kill you right now. I've put with Jashin and I've put up with Warg – but there is no way in Wargonia, the Fence, or Earth that I am going to put up with _Four_."

"Four is not a god," said the gnome stiffly. "He is the lord of time and space."

"Because there's a _really_ big difference," I muttered.

"If Four is the god of time and space," said Konan. "Who are you?"

The gnome bristled himself up and said, rather pompously, "Who am I? I am Squisher, the almighty Four's right hand man."

"Squisher…" I repeated slowly. "Um…" I glanced at the two foot high gnome and said, "Have you ever heard of a misnomer?"

Squisher decided it was best to ignore me and instead turned to address Leader. "The almighty Four would like to ask who in this… um…" He glanced around the messy office. "_Organization_ blew up Four's inter dimensional portals."

Leader blinked. "Inter dimensional portals? You mean the blue orbs that cause us a lot of pain and suffering and not to mention a lot of money?"

"Yes."

"Four created them?"

"Yes."

Leader considered this for a moment. "Why would Four see fit to create the orbs in the first place?"

Squisher's face darkened and he regarded Leader icily. "Do not question the motives and wishes of the almighty Four. He does as he wants and _no one_ questions him. Understand?"

A heavy weight seemed to fill the room after Squisher's words. Konan and I exchanged nervous glances, but Leader, however, remained firm and thoughtful throughout the entire speech (perhaps he was trying to redeem himself after diving for cover when the blue orb appeared).

"So what does the, um, _almighty Four_," said Leader sarcastically. "Want with us?"

Squisher glared at Leader, but, after a moment, he said, "The almighty Four wants to know who has the power to destroy his inter dimensional portals."

"Wait…" I said slowly. "What do you want with Deidara?"

"Deidara?" asked Squisher. "This Deidara destroyed the portals?"

"Yes…"

"Right then," said Squisher. He turned to Leader and said, "Four wants to meet Deidara then – as soon as possible. Deidara is to travel to the top of Mount Lecko to the house of the almighty Four. Deidara has exactly one week to do so. And if he fails…" And with that Squisher uttered the most foul, loathsome, horrible threat imaginable to mankind. It made Leader's threats look like mincemeat and would give me nightmares for weeks to come.

And when Squisher was done with his dreadful threat, he flipped us off and disappeared in a blue orb.

Leader, Konan, and I stood in the office behind Konan's upturned desk. We stared blankly at the spot where Squisher had just vanished, all of us too overwhelmed to say a single word.

A good five or six minutes had passed before Leader worked up the strength to say, "Damnit! Jashin, Warg, God – whoever you pray to – damnit!"

"Are you okay, Leader?" asked Konan nervously.

"Of course I'm not okay!" roared Leader. "Some little blue _gnome_ just threatened the life out of me and order me around, all in the name of his shitty god!" Leader stormed across the room and – for dramatic effect – slammed his fist down on his desk. "Call a meeting! Call a meeting and tell them if anyone is late I will drop him back in Wargonia with nothing but a _toothpick_ to defend himself!"

Mutely, Konan and I headed for the door, but before we could leave, Leader stopped us.

"And if you _tell _anyone about what happen when I saw the blue orb, I will disembowel the both of you!"

The meeting took less than five minutes to begin. The entire Akatsuki was crowded into the brand new meeting room (never been used before), waiting for Leader to regain himself. The meeting room was a step up from the old one where everyone had his or her own individual seat forming a circle with Leader and Konan's desk at the head. The Akatsuki was in the usual seating order starting on Leader's right with Itachi, Kisame, Dessie, Hidan, Kisame, Hannah, Deidara, Tobi, Kate, and Zetsu, who was directly on Konan's left.

I sat in might seat silently, ignore the questions that bombarded me from either side. I waited, until Leader called for silence and briefly explained the incident that had occurred in office (he left out the gory details). When he was done, the room was filled with silence and no one could quite find what to say – except Dessie, who could always find something to say.

"What the…"

"Squisher is coming for you…" said Hidan is his creepiest voice. "Dun, dun, dunnn…"

Dessie rolled her eyes and slapped him in the shoulder. "You freak, get over yourself. I'm serious here. What in the Fence is this Squisher dude?"

"He's blue," said Kisame. 'Is he really blue?"

"Maybe he's your long lost cousin, uhn," said Deidara. "Family reunion time?"

"Yeah," I said. "But there is the issue of the height difference."

"And the fact that he's more concerned with Deidara," said Kisame. "No one I'm related to would give a rat's ass about Deidata."

Deidara grinned broadly. "You're just jealous, Fish Fry. I'm so powerful that even the lord of time and space is interested in me. Who's interested in you, Kisame? A skinny girl with short blond hair, a face that turns red far too often, and the inability to heal anyone."

"I'm not that bad…" said Kate weakly, while Kisame tried to get out of his seat and pummel Deidara to death. Fortunately (or unfortunately), Itachi pulled Kisame back down into his seat and Deidara was spared.

"Shut it, all of you," said Leader wearily. "I have a plan."

"Really?" I muttered. "That's a first."

Leader decided to ignore me and continued talking. "Deidara is going to go to Mount Lecko and meet this _almighty_ Four."

"Really?" said Deidara incredulously. "Why?"

"Because," said Leader, a malicious grin spreading across his face. "You're going to kill this Four and his minion."

Silence.

"Hell yeah!"

"When can we get started?"

"Can I come too?"

I sighed. Yep. This is the Akatsuki. We're all for violence and destruction – killing gods isn't a problem for us, or, at least, we don't fear it.

Leader silence the crowd once again. "I have already decided who is going to go with Deidara."

Deidara looked practically disappointed. "I don't get to kill Four on my own, uhn?"

Dessie was excited and was practically bouncing up and down in her seat. "Do I get to go? Do I get to go? Pick me! Pick me!"

"Kate, Tobi, Hannah, and Itachi – you're going with Deidara."

Dessie looked heart-broken. "Why not me?"

"Because," said Leader. "You and Hidan still have to finish cleaning the kitchen."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The almighty Four. He is NOT a god. He is the lord of time and space. Get it right. And yes, this story does not follow the Naruto plot. If you want the Naruto plot - go read Naruto. If I follow the Naruto plot, I will get things wrong and get a bunch of complaints and have to fix things. If I make up my own plot, no one cares. **

**Squisher and Kuchacha was the name of two goldfish that a five-year-old girl and I created while playing a game. I used Kuchacha in the last story and now it is time for Squisher to make his appearance along with the almighty badass Four. I would like to dedicate this chapter to Akatsuki-Girl who helped with the creation of Four - you see, he makes an appearance!**

**REVIEW! OR the little, blue Squisher will come, and find you, and DESTROY YOU IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY FOUR!**


	4. Are You In Love Yet?

**Chapter Four: Are You In Love Yet? **

**Dessie**

At the moment, I am in a very, very bad mood. Sitting on the lazy boy in the brand new living room, I found myself imagining different ways to kill, torture, and maim Leader for not letting me go climb the mountain with the others. They'd been gone for a good two days now and I can still remember their departure with vivid jealousy. What wouldn't I give to be in Kate's place as she bumbled along after Hannah, waving frantically in a teary farewell for her boyfriend?

Hannah had been slightly more enthusiastic than Kate about the whole mission – which is to say, Hannah wasn't happy at all. She considered it to be a waste of time and couldn't find the point in trying to assassinate a god. Deidara tried to explain it to her multiple times, but she still thought it was pointless. (I understand! Why can't Leader let _me_ go? But _no_ it has to be Kate and Hannah.)

Instead of climbing a mountain with the rest, I'm stuck back at the hideout sitting in the living room watching documentaries on the life cycles of plants (Zetsu was in control of the remote).

"Can we change the channel yet?" I asked.

Zetsu shot me a murderous glare. "This is good. Better than any of the trash you watch."

"TV dramas are not trash," I said. "They're real life situations with realistic characters who respond to the situations in realistic and heartbreaking ways."

(Insert a laugh from Kisame here)

"If you want to change the channel," said Zetsu. "Come over here and get the remote." He made sure to gnash his teeth threateningly so that I knew that the retrieval of the remote would not be without very gruesome fights and attempted eating.

I sighed and snuggled down in the lazy boy. I watched the feature on carnivorous plants for a little while before boredom set in. "Zetsu… Change the channel please… Plants are only so interesting…"

"We like plants," said Zetsu stubbornly. "Besides we watched shark week with Kisame and didn't complain."

"You only watched the part where they were cooking shark," I muttered.

Kisame shuddered and glared in Zetsu's general direction.

"We wanted to try it…" said Zetsu sadly. "But _someone_ wouldn't let us."

"At least shark week had blood, guts, and gore in it," I said. "It was just a more educational version of Jaws. There is absolutely no violence in plants."

"We saw a man attacking a plant with a weed-whacker," said Zetsu. "That's very violent."

I rolled my eyes and sunk down deeper in the lazy boy. "There's no reasoning with you."

Zetsu smiled proudly, showing all of his sharp teeth.

There was a long pause where only the dull voice of the documentary, droning on about plants, filled the room. I watched as the screen flashed from on ugly plant expert to another, each one explaining the parts of a plant and the plant's adaptations and evolutions and blah, blah, blah.

"This sucks."

"I hate that word," said Kisame.

"Kate uses it," I pointed out.

Kisame sighed heavily and got to his feet. He staggered across the room to the games cupboard and pulled out a deck of cards. As he returned to his seat next to the coffee table, he said. "I miss Kate."

"It's been a whole two days," I said.

"We miss Hannah," said Zetsu. "She left with that blond fur ball."

I snickered. "Don't worry, you sure taught Deidara a lesson before he left."

"What happened?" asked Kisame, shuffling the deck of cards.

"You didn't see?"

Kisame grinned triumphantly. "I was too busy saying good-bye to Kate to see what was going on between Zetsu and Deidara. They're not high on my priority list."

"Zetsu bit Deidara's hand," I said gleefully. "But Deidara has mouths on his hand, so the tongue on his hand licked the inside of Zetsu's mouth and Zetsu was so surprised that he spat Deidara's hand out." I giggled. "Deidara did a little victory dance so Zetsu stabbed a fork into Deidara's leg."

Kisame snorted. "Great. Wish I'd seen that. How'd Hannah react?"

"She laughed her head off during the entire thing."

"That sounds like Hannah…"

We broke into another chorus of laughter, and, just as the chuckles died down, the door to the sitting room opened and Hidan stumbled in, covered in blood. He was drunk of a ritual a quite pleased with himself, while the rest us of shot him irritable glares.

"You're getting blood on the carpet," said Kisame.

"You're cleaning it up," I added. "Make sure to tell Leader I had nothing to do with it. I have witnesses."

"Do we get to eat this body too?" asked Zetsu.

"Go for it," said Hidan. He glanced at the TV and groaned. "Is it _still_ plant week?"

"Yep," I said grimly. "Will be until Friday."

"I hate plant week," said Hidan, leaning against the door. "Can't we watch something else? Something a little _gorier_."

"Plant week is very gory," said Zetsu. "Last episode they brought out the weed killer – in a _spray bottle_."

"But there's no blood," said Hidan.

"Give up," I said. "Zetsu doesn't understand the concept of 'plants are boring'."

Hidan stood in the door way for a moment and, slowly, a grin spread across his face. He crept across the room (supposedly being 'stealthy') until he was standing beside the lazy boy, leaning over me so that his blood dripped all over my face.

"Hey! Yuck!" I cried, pushing him off. "What are you doing?"

"You go blood all over the lazy boy," said Hidan. "Now you have to help me clean up – accomplice!"

"Urg!" I leapt off the lazy boy, dripping blood every time I moved, and jumped on to Hidan's back. I wrapped my arm around his neck, throttling as bed I could. Hidan laughed and reminded me that he was immortal. Then, he threw me onto the ground and shoved his knee into my stomach – knocking the wind out of me. We stayed there for a moment, glaring at each other and laughing all at the same time.

"So," said Kisame, not looking away from the deck of cards he was shuffling. "I didn't know Dessie was a bottom girl."

Zetsu tore his eyes away from the TV to look at Hidan and me. "I didn't know Dessie and Hidan were dating. When did this happen?"

I kicked Hidan between the legs and he rolled off of me. I got to my feet and, shooting nasty look in the direction of Zetsu and Kisame, I said, "We're not."

Kisame sighed. "Have you realized you're in love with Hidan yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now…?"

"No."

"At this precise time have you realized you're in love with Hidan?"

"No."

"Now…?"

"No."

"At this–"

"No!"

"Ha!" cried Kisame, jumping to his feet still holding the deck of cards. "I was going to say 'at this precise time are you not in love with Hidan'!"

"I'm not in love with him."

Kisame threw his deck of cards on the ground angrily. "Have you realized you love him yet?"

"No! No! No! No!" I screamed.

"Will you all shut up!" shouted Zetsu, baring his teeth and growling. "We're trying to learn about fruit bearing trees!"

Silence filled the room as Hidan, Kisame, and I exchanged awkward glances, Zetsu remained absorbed in his TV show, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen. Finally breaking the silence, Kisame whispered, "How about now?"

I screamed and leapt across the coffee table, my arms flailing in the direction of Kisame. He let out a shriek of laughter and darted out of the room. I chased after him, letting death threats pour from my mouth – most of which were extremely colorful and would probably add to Kisame's vocabulary considerably.

Kisame escaped into the kitchen where Konan stood at the counter making Leader a sandwich. He cowered behind her and screamed "Sanctuary! Sanctuary! You can't touch me here!"

I screeched to a halt and glowered at him from the other side of Konan.

"Move," I said. "Move so I can disembowel him and use his innards as a bargaining chip to get the remote from Zetsu."

"Why are you hunting him down?" asked Konan.

"He… He…" I couldn't even get the disgusting words out of my mouth. "Ask him."

Konan glanced at Kisame inquisitively and, he leaned forward around her shoulder and said, "Hey, Dessie, are you in love with Hidan yet?"

"Oh," said Konan. "Is that it?" She turned to me and asked, "_Are_ you in love with Hidan yet?"

I stepped forward, preparing to inflict a whole lot of pain, but, at that very moment, my foot met with a wet spot on the floor. My eyes widened as my feet slid out from underneath me and I went crashing down towards the counter where a very unfortunate knife happened to be resting. I shrieked and the knife slid rather cleanly into my stomach.

Konan gasp and leapt over, trying to catch me before I collapsed to the floor. "Dessie!"

"Whoa…" Kisame stood there, gawping at me in horror, unable to register exactly what had just happened. "Dessie… Are you dead?"

I snorted and stood upright, stopping the frantic Konan in the middle of her tracks. "Of course I'm alright. Praise Jashin, you morons." Carefully, I pulled the knife out of my gut and examined the blood-stained blade. "I'm going to have to clean that off later."

"Oh right," said Kisame. "You're immortal now."

Konan shook her head incredulously. "I'm never going to get used to that. Never."

"It gets better," I said, massaging my stomach as the wound healed back up again. "I'm going to stay twenty for the rest of eternity."

Kisame shuddered. "I'm going to be an old eighty-year-old man and you'll still be twenty? Man, that's scary."

I grinned. "It means I get to keep my perfect good-looks – not to mention my lovely chest. Could you imagine me an old lady? They'd be all…_saggy_." I shuddered at the mental image that sprang to mind.

Suddenly, the door opened and Hidan stepped inside. "What's up?" he asked. "I heard screaming. Is someone dead?"

Konan rolled her eyes. "Dessie impaled herself on a knife."

"Oh is that all?" Hidan caught sight of me holding the blood-stained knife and grinned. "That look suits you – though it'd be better if it was someone else's blood on that knife."

I waggled the knife in his direction. "Does it turn you on? Women killing things?"

Hidan leaned over and licked some of the blood of the knife. He stood back and considered it carefully. "Not the best blood I've ever tasted, but it has a good, rich quality to it."

I stabbed Hidan in the shoulder and, pulling the knife out again, licked some of Hidan's blood. I pretended to ponder the blood for a second before saying, "Nope, yours tastes exactly as I would have imaged – like something the dog shit out."

Hidan rubbed his shoulder and blood poured out and grinned. "Ouch. That hurt."

"You don't sound very convincing," I said. "At least pretend to be injured."

"Oh. Ouch. The pain. The pain. That hurt."

"That might possibly be even worse than before," I said, dropping the knife into the sink. "You'd make a crappy actor – stick to your day job."

"Aw," said Hidan, feigning disappointment. "I was hoping to get a job on one of those shitty TV dramas that you watch."

I snorted. "You're not hot enough. Those guys are _smoking_."

Hidan wiggled his eyebrows and leaned forward, grinning seductively (or an attempt at seductively). "So I'm _really_ not hot enough for the job?"

"Oh get a room…" groaned Konan, returning to her sandwich-making.

Kisame nodded his head in agreement.. "So, Dessie, have you realized you're in love with Hidan yet?"

"On second thought," I said. "I'll be needing that knife back."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: You want to know what the funny thing is... I've had this chapter finished since September... Please don't kill me.**


	5. Dropping Spiders

**Chapter Five: Dropping Spiders **

**Kate**

Mount Lecko is huge. I won't deny it. I have seen _plenty_ of big mountains in my time, but Mount Lecko takes the cake. After two days of walking, the five of us – Itachi, Deidara, Hannah, Tobi, and I – had finally reached our destination. And now, all there was left was to climb the giant mountain and talk to the almighty Four.

"Well," said Deidara. "This should be simple. It's not like there'll be any annoying obstacles in our way to test our _worthiness_."

Hannah shook her head. "Ten bucks says there will be."

"You're on," said Deidara. "Just climbing this stupid mountain it enough."

Tobi reached out a hand to grab hold of Hannah's wrist. "Tobi is scared. Will Hannah comfort him?"

"No."

"Please…?"

"No."

"I'll comfort you, Tobi," I said hopefully. And, as always, Tobi didn't seem to hear me, but kept his eye fixed on Hannah.

"Give it up," said Itachi.

"Do we really have to climb this mountain, uhn?" asked Deidara gloomily. "Isn't there a shortcut?"

"Of course not – the almighty Four does not take shortcuts."

We all leapt a foot in the air (with the exception of Itachi who was as calm as always) and turned to see who had spoken. A little blue gnome was standing on the branches of a pine tree about a foot or so above our heads. His arms were folded and he peered down his nose at us, trying – and failing – to look superior.

"You must be Squisher," said Hannah.

Squisher turned to face Itachi. He gazed examined Itachi carefully and, satisfied, he said, "I see you've brought some friends, Deidara."

"Hn."

"Um…" said the _real_ Deidara. "That would be Itachi Uchiha. I'm Deidara. I would think the right hand man to the almighty _Four_ would know the difference."

Squisher stared at Deidara for a good few seconds. "No. You can't be Deidara. No one that weak could possibly destroy a portal created by the almighty Four."

Deidara scowled. "Are you saying Itachi is more powerful than me, you shrimp?"

Squisher didn't even bat an eye. "Yes."

"Listen, you blue gnome," snarled Deidara. "I could beat you with bother my arms missing and not even break as sweat – don't you dare even think that Itachi is even the slightest bit stronger than me–"

Before Deidara could finished, Squisher leapt down from his tree and landed on the ground in front of Deidara. Squisher smiled endearingly at Deidara before beating the stuffing out of him.

I see no need to report to you the details of the Deidara versus Squisher battle. It was brief and violent and Squisher won by a landslide. It ended with Deidara lying face down on the ground, groaning, while the little blue gnome stood on top of him, looking coolly triumphant.

Hannah just laughed. "Deidara… That was an epic fail."

"Shut… up…" said Deidara in a muffled voice. His face was pressed against the dirt, courtesy of Squisher.

Squisher stepped on Deidara's head and Deidara's face sunk lower into the ground, rendering him incapable of speech. Squisher seemed quite pleased with his conquest and, allowing himself a short moment of victory, turned to survey the group. "Well, the Almighty Four didn't plan on the leftovers, but, no matter, the unworthy will be picked off anyways."

Tobi clung on the Hannah's hand. "What does the little blue man mean?"

Squisher scowled. "I mean that you must face the trials of hell if you wish to meet the Almighty Four on top of Mount Lecko."

"And there you go," said Hannah. She kicked the fallen Deidara in the side and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

Deidara said something, but his voice was muffled against the ground.

"Well," said Squisher. "I would say see you later, but since I highly doubt any of you will survive the horrors of Mount Lecko…"

"Just go," said Hannah, yawning. "Little blue things remind me a smurfs."

Squisher scowled, but disappeared nonetheless.

Deidara sat up and folded him arms crossly. "What the hell is wrong with that gnome?"

Hannah snorted. "Deidara, you look ridiculous."

That was true. Deidara's face was coated in mud and his blond hair (which he was so proud of) was filthy. Deidara rubbed his face, trying to get the dirt off, but instead he ended up red-faced _and_ muddy.

"Well," said Hannah. "This was an entertaining start."

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>An hour…<p>

They had been walking for an hour…

Uphill…

Up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and a little bit of down and then up and up and up and up and up and up…

I thought I was going to die.

We all did.

It took a whole ten minutes of climbing up for Deidara to start complaining and now, after an hour, his complains were just down right awful.

"Shut up…" moaned Hannah, her hands plastered over her ears.

"But I'm tired," groaned Deidara. "My feet hurt. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My back hurts. My head hurt. And I'm thirsty. And hungry. And life sucks."

"You suck," said Hannah. "And if you say anything more I'll set the Itachi on you."

"Oh no," said Deidara flatly. "Not the Itachi."

"Itachi is very scary when he wants to be," I said. "You should be afraid."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" asked Hannah.

"No."

"Good, because that was a failure of a compliment."

Tobi slugged on behind us. I think it was less because he was out of shape than the fact that he was bored out of his mind. For a while, I debated dropping back and walking with Tobi. However, when I tried he sped up to walk with Hannah. I sighed. It's good to know I'm so loved.

"I'm hungry…" moaned Deidara.

Hannah rolled her eyes. "You can always eat the grass."

"Grass tastes disgusting."

"How would you know?"

Deidara snorted. "You have no idea what bizarre adventures Sasori and I went on, uhn."

"Eating grass constitutes as bizarre?"

"Yes. It was in a salad with grasshoppers, ants, spiders, and millipedes, uhn."

"Ew!" I cried, screwing up my nose. "Who would eat that! Why would you eat that!"

"Hannah grinned. "Sounds delicious. You should whip it up some time and serve it to the whole Akatsuki. Yum-yum."

"I'll throw up," I warned her.

"That was the goal," said Hannah.

"You know," said Deidara. "I might try it sometime. Grass and bugs with my magnificent cooking skills, uhn. What could go wrong?"

"Everything."

We walked on for a little longer. When he got bored, Deidara started singing. Unfortunately, it was a song Dessie had taught him and, as we all know, what Dessie teaches people never goes right.

"I hate you, you hate me

Let's get together and kill Barney

With tanks of water and acid he will drown

Barney escapes but he falls down

I hate you, you hate me

Let's get together and kill Barney

With a great big knife on his head

Barney's bloody cuz he's already dead

I hate you, you hate me

Let's get together and kill Barney

With his big dog leash around hit neck

He'll sure make you say 'what the heck'

I hate you, you hate me

Let's get together and kill Barney

When he's skiing lets make an avalanche

And then he'll get hit by a big tree branch"

"Who is Barney?" asked Itachi.

"I don't know," said Deidara. "Whoever he is, he's dead."

I giggle. "Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination and when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensation."

"What the hell?"

Hannah rolled her eyes. "He's a giant purple dinosaur that teaches kids that everyone loves them."

"So why do we want to drown him in tanks of acid?" asked Deidara.

"Because he's a shitty role model."

I smiled. "Because Barney said a bad word on air…"

"Really?" said Hannah. "I thought it was because he hid drugs in the tail of his costume and was getting high during the show."

"And then said a naughty word," I added. "Barney's a bad influence. Should always stick to the teletubbies."

"The Teletubbies were scary," said Hannah. "They had TVs implanted in their stomachs."

"Who are the teletubbies? Tobi wants to know."

"Four scary colored things with coat hangers on their heads," said Hannah bluntly. "The big purple one was gay. The green one was a black teletubby. And the little red one was an Indonesian girl."

"What?" I cried. "Po was a girl!"

"Yep."

"My childhood has just crashed and burned… I used to want to marry Po, he was so cute…"

"It's okay, Kate," said Tobi, patting me on the shoulder. "Po is not the only gender confused person we know."

Everyone looked at Deidara.

Deidara glared back and reached in his pocket for some clay. "Don't make me blow your ass all the way to the top of this shitty mountain…"

"You never know," said Hannah. "It might be a quicker climb."

"I'm not volunteering to try it out," I said.

Deidara grinned demonically. "You know you want to…"

"Pass! Pass!" I screamed, running to hide behind Hannah. "Pass!"

"Pass what–?"

And then Tobi screamed.

For your information, Tobi does not scream like a guy. It sounds more like a five-year-old girl who just ha her favorite doll stolen from her by her older sister. Tobi opens his mouth and – bam – out comes a high pitched, shrill noise that seems endless.

Deidara turned around and grabbed a wad of clay out of his bag. "Tobi, if you don't shut the hell up…"

Deidara's jaw fell open.

"What?" asked Hannah, following his line of gaze. "Oh… Shit…"

And then I saw it. Ugly, huge. Its body was about the size of a truck – thick, black, and hairy – with eight spindly legs jutting out. Its head was about as large as a van with hundreds (or maybe thousands) or blinking black eyes. Each one of those hideous eyes was fixed on us.

I screamed.

Tobi screamed.

Deidara ate his clay.

Hannah reached for her frying pan.

Itachi was rather relaxed.

"We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!" I wailed. "Please Mr. Spider! Don't hurt us! We haven't done anything wrong! I always spared spiders lives whenever I saw them scuttling around the house! I admit there was this one time… It was a really ugly spider! But never again! I swear! I swear!"

The spider opened its fat pinched and from the gap between them sticky, white thread spurted out – aimed at me.

I squealed and jumped onto the back of the nearest person (who just so happened to be Tobi). "Kill him! Kill him! Kill that ugly beast!"

"Kate! Kate!" cried Tobi. "Tobi can't keep his balance!"

Beneath my weight, Tobi started staggering this way and that. I clung onto him desperately, my grip tightening. "Don't fall! Don't fall! He'll kill us if we fall!"

In front of us imbalanced people, Deidara, Hannah, and Itachi were battling the spider. Deidara, was trying to fly on the back of one of his birds, but the trees were packed so closely together that the animal couldn't take flight. Instead, Deidara had to launch smaller birds from afar, many of which hit trees during their flight and did not make it to the target.

Hannah was fighting close range, her frying pan walloping the spider in the eyes whatever chance she got. However, the sticky threads caught her on the leg and she was pinned to the ground, the spider drawing ever closer. Itachi leapt in at the right time and snatched Hannah out of the way. He turned to face the beast, one eye open and one eye closed, when…

"Oh my Jashin!" I screamed. "There's another one!"

Hannah, Itachi, and Deidara spun around. Sure enough, attacking from behind was an identical monstrosity.

"Why won't they stop dropping spiders on us, uhn!"

The second spider lunged.

"Tobi!" I screamed, pulling on his ears and thrashing about wildly. "Get out of the way! Get out of the way! It's going to squash us! Squash!"

"Kate! Kate is hurting poor Tobi!" Tobi staggered about, trying to remain upright.

The spider landed with a heavy thud, right between the group, splitting us apart. Tobi and I were on one side and Hannah, Deidara, and Itachi were on the other. I couldn't see any of them. Maybe the spiders had gotten them. Maybe they were dead…

"Hannah!" I screamed. "Hannah! Hannah! Deidara! Itachi!"

No response.

Hearing my voice, the spider rounded on us, its eyes blinking furiously.

"Tobi!" I kicked his sides. "Tobi! Run!"

He slipped.

Before either of us knew what was happening, Tobi fell face first on the ground of a steep ravine. The shock threw our bodies apart and we began rolling down the slope. Where was everyone? I didn't know. My head pounded and thrashed about. Sticks and stones crunch beneath my body as I rolled around and around and around and around and around.

And then I fell.

Into blackness.

So in the end, we didn't even survive the first trial.

Squisher will be pleased.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I updated quickly to make up for the multiple months of silence. I wrote this chapter without the Barney-Teletubby talk and the chapter was waaaaaay to short. So, I went back and put in some filler conversation. I used to be a huge Teletubby fan when I was little (hated Barney). then I wikipediad them and it turned otu that Tinky Winky was gay (he does carry around a red purse), Dipsy was supposed to be a black Teletubby (his face is slightly darker than the others'), and Po, who I always thought was a boy is actually an Indonesian girl (WTF). LaLa is the only normal one who is, beyond a doubt, a GIRL and, hopefully straight. THE TELETUBBIES ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM! IT'S ALL A LIE!**

**Anyways Review - or the Teletubbies are coming for you...**


	6. Showdown of Giant Creatures

**Chapter Six: Showdown of Giant Creatures**

**Hannah**

Kate and Tobi had disappeared long ago; we'd lost them during the spider fight. I heard Kate's screams right before one spider tried to bite my head off and Deidara drive-tackled me just in time. I was dizzy for a minute or two and, once I had regained consciousness, I could no longer hear Kate's screams. Itachi had disappeared too, along with one of the giant spiders. Of course, Deidara and I didn't have a lot of time to spend wondering where Itachi went. We turned tail and ran – as fast as we could – away from the monster.

About two hours have passed since the epic spider battle, Deidara and I continued our uphill climb, hoping that when we reached the top, the others would be there.

"So," said Deidara thoughtfully. "What would be the worst possible thing to meet on this mountain?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well… Let's say you were Dessie. What would be the most horrifying thing you could see? You know, a trial."

"An ugly man."

Deidara laughed. "She'd be scared shitless, uhn."

"And Hidan would see Warg."

"And Konan would fall into a lake."

"She's afraid of water?"

Deiara hopped over a fallen tree trunk. Then, realizing I wasn't able to do the same, he came back and helped me over. "Water makes paper wet and then she can't do her little origami thing."

"Right… So what's Leader afraid of?"

"Pain."

I raised and appraising eyebrow in Deidara's direction and he cackled maniacally. Suddenly we were both falling over ourselves in hysterics. Eventually, the laughter passed and we righted ourselves, wiping away the tears of joy, and made our way up the steep slope yet again.

"So what are you afraid of?" I asked.

"Lightning."

"Why?"

"It'll be the death of me."

I shrugged. "Electrocution isn't that common."

"Then you don't know ninjas very well. Electricity is a common weapon. Oh and time warps. I'm very afraid of time warps. I lost an arm thanks to Kakashi."

"Oh Kakashi," I said. "I haven't seen him in a while."

"That's probably a good thing, uhn."

"Probably."

Deidara glanced around at the thick-trunked trees with their earthy, green leaves. He sighed. "This place is so unartistic, uhn."

I rolled my eyes to the high heavens (or in this case, tree tops). "Not everything in the whole world has to be artistic."

"Yes it does. Art is everything."

"If art is everything, according to you, then doesn't the whole world have to explode before it can be considered art?"

"Exactly, uhn," said Deidara, grinning from ear to ear. "You understand!"

"No. It's stupid."

"You're stupid."

"You suck at come backs."

"Kisame hates that word."

"Kisame isn't here to tell me otherwise. So guess what. Kisame sucks too."

"What does he suck?"

A slow, sly grin spread across my face and I tilted my head to look sidelong at Deidara. "I don't know. What does Kisame suck?"

"Cock."

I laughed. "You know as well as I do that he doesn't. Otherwise he would have raped you a long time ago."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" asked Deidara irritably.

"Exactly what it sounds like, Blondie."

Deidara kicked a stick lying on the forest floor. It flew into the air and bounced of the trunk of a tree, falling to the ground out of sight. "Can we not have a good, wholesomely perverted conversation without me being insulted because of my luscious blond hair, uhn?"

"I'm not Dessie."

"Only Dessie is good for perverted conversation."

"And Kisame."

"Not if the perverted conversation is about himself."

"If it's about himself and Kate, then yes, he enjoys a good perverted chat. He sexually harasses her all the time."

"True, uhn."

I sighed. "I almost miss them."

"Really?"

"No."

Deidara laughed and hopped over a fallen tree branch. I did the same, only less majestically considering I stumbled and almost landed flat on my face. Deidara snickered.

"So what about me?" he asked. "Would you miss me?"

"Hell no."

He scowled. "Don't worry. I would never miss a Donkey like you – even _Kakuzu_ paid me to."

"Kakuzu would never pay you to do anything," I said. "So that's a moot point."

"You never know. There are somethings Kakuzu would pay me to do."

"Like what?"

"Er…"

"Exactly my point – though Kakuzu might pay you to earn more money for him. Actually, on second thought, Kakuzu would _say_ he's going to pay you to earn money for him, but when you earn the money, he'll beat you up, take your money, and never pay you so much as a dime." I grinned proudly. "Good, old Kakuzu. Warg, I miss that pin-cushion."

"Sure…" muttered Deidara. "You miss him."

I probably would have replied with some amazing comeback that only I could think of, except my train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the sound of trembling leaves. I turned around just in time to see a large oak tree shiver. The leaves rustled and quaked, despite the forest being absolutely devoid of wind.

"What is it?" asked Deidara.

"There's something wrong…" I murmured.

"What?"

"I don't know."

"That's not very helpful, uhn."

I gripped the handle of my frying pan. I raised the pan above Deidara's head preparing to smash his oversized skulls to pieces right then and there. And then I froze. Wide-eyed. Right… there. There. There. There. There. Oh. My. Warg. Jashin. God. Brown. Black. Yellow eyes. That stared. And stared. And stared. Fangs. For biting. People's heads off. Right behind… Deidara.

I couldn't move. Fear. Paralyzing fear. Everything in my system shut down and the only think going through my mind was . I'M SO SCREWED!

Yeah, I have an overpowering fear of snakes.

So, you know, gigantic snakes that are twice the size of the ugly spiders from before? I don't do them. I can take of arachnids. Snakes? No. No. No. No.

"Hannah…"

Trembling, I glanced at Deidara. His back turned to the snake, his big blue eyes was staring at me. I could see my face – brown hair and a pair of deer-in-headlights brown eyes – reflect in his irises.

"Hannah…"

His lips moved soundlessly.

I tried to speak, but no noise came out. I tried again. "Dei…"

"Yeah?"

"There's a giant snake behind you."

"Hannah…"

"Yeah?"

"There's a giant blue-assed baboon behind you."

…

I put all the banshees in the world the shame that day. I think the gods (Warg in Wargonia and Jashin wherever he might be) awoke from their slumbers and screamed with me. The moment I turned around and took one look at that bright blue face of the baboon, I opened my trap big and wide and let out the most earth-shattering howl you have ever had the misfortune of hearing.

I don't do snakes. And, as of that day, I don't do blue-assed baboons either.

"Deidara, you filthy son-of-a-bitch!" I screamed. "Kill them! Blow them up! Boom! Boom!"

I was sprinting through the forest as fast as my skinny legs could carry me. I didn't get far though. I got a whole ten steps and the baboon, in all its gigantic wonder, reached out a fat hands and plucked me from the ground. Pinked between two fingers he held me close to his face so that he could get a good look at me (decide if I might be tasty or not).

Frying pan still clutched in my right hand, I raised it high above my head and brought it down on the monkey's index finger.

He didn't feel it.

He continued to inspect me carefully, his eye blinking every so often.

And then, suddenly, the snake lunged. At first, I didn't see it, my attention was consumed by the baboon. But then, as the monkey's eyes were distracted, I turned and looked over my shoulder. The snake's jaws were wide, so that I could see the soft pink flesh of its throat and the two, long white fangs jutting down from the roof of its mouth.

I was too terrified to scream.

The snake was going to eat me.

But instead, its fangs sunk into the exposed, hairy arm of the baboon (yummy…)

The baboon let out a frightful howl and stormed his feet. My head was thrown from side to side in the rampage. Trees tumbled and swayed and, as the baboon swung his arms about wildly, trying to throw the snake off, trees went crashing to the ground.

"Deidara!" I screamed.

If he answered, I couldn't hear – I was a little preoccupied with staying alive.

My head slammed against the baboons' arm and when my head jerked backwards again, my mouth was full of hair. I coughed and spluttered, tufts of hair flying in all direction.

"Urg…" I groaned, gripping the frying pan in my hands. "Hairball…"

The snake still had not let go of the baboon's arm and now blood had been drawn. The baboon roared and began to shake me even more violently. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth – until I could take it no longer. I gripped the frying pan in my two hands, raised it above my head, and – as the baboon waved me about and I drew closer to his head – I brought the metal frying pan down in the iris of his eye. Ouch.

And then he dropped me.

I fell down and down, plummeting towards the ground. Already I could see my head crashing on the tree stump and little blood splatters… I was making myself sick.

Suddenly, something rushed underneath me. One moment I was dropping like a stone and the next, I was shooting upwards like a rocket. Only, as my body went up, by stomach and intestines were still going down. My stomach churned uncomfortably and I clung to the arm that was wrapped around me.

"I'm going to puke…" I groaned.

"Don't, uhn," said Deidara. "Or I'm chucking you off the side of the bird."

"Bird?"

I opened my eyes and, squinting, I saw the tree tops far below me. The baboon and the snake were no longer visible – only the green, green, green of leaves. To my right, the mountain stretched upwards, extending towards the brilliant white-gold sun. To my right was the blue sky, not a cloud in sight. Deidara stood beside me, his arm wrapped around me to prevent me from falling below us, one of his clay birds soared through the sky.

"We're flying…" I said slowly.

"You're very observant, uhn," said Deidara.

"We're flying…"

"Yeah."

I turned to Deidara, my eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Why didn't we just fly up the mountain to begin with?"

"Uh…" Deidara blinked. "Uh… Well, uhn…"

I grabbed him by the shoulders and proceeded to shake him violently. "Why – didn't – we – jump – on – one – of – your – stupid – birds – to – begin – with – and – then – we – wouldn't – have – to – deal – with – giant – spiders – and – over – grown – snakes – with – very – sharp – fangs – and – baboons – with – ugly – blue – butts – and – I – wouldn't – have – my – brains – scrambled – to – little – bits – while – you – go – on – a – little – joy – ride!"

"I… forgot, uhn…"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU FORGOT!"

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><p><strong>AN: This chapter, in all honestly, is more of a filler chapter. I just needed space to be filled, so Hannah and Deidara get attacked. Nothing interesting really happens in Hannah's next chapter either (sorry, but I'm being honest). It is the next Dessie chapter and Kate's next two chapters that are interesting and fun to write. Oh well, Hannah gets to spend some quality time with Deidara (sorry Zetsu) and no one knows where Itachi went. Mleh, he's probably happier without them.**

**Review! Review and I'll update Dessie's chapter soon - believe me, this is one you don't want to miss! so REVIEW!**


	7. Love Guru Bother Technique

**A/N: Short chapter, but I promise you that you'll love it. I had fun writing this chapter so I hope you have fun reading it. Don't forget to review! **

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven: Love Guru Bother Technique<strong>

**Dessie**

I folded my arms and plopped my delicate and perfectly rounded ass onto the bed. The springs groaned under my weight (shut up, you weakling, I'm not that heavy). From the wooden desk shoved into the corner of the basement, Kakuzu paused in his analysis of the Akatsuki accounts and turned to survey me quietly.

"If you get one speck of dirt on the sheets, I will kill you."

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm clean." I glanced around the basement with its cement walls and crooked staircase ascending to the ground floor. "How do you manage to sleep here at night? I keep imagining glowing blue orbs in every corner."

"Fear is a waste of money."

I rolled my eyes and flopped back onto the bed. Wearily, I stared up at the stone ceiling. "You and your money. Is there anything else important in your life?"

"Nope."

"You sad, pathetic soul."

Kakuzu didn't reply, but remained engrossed in the endless numbers and sums before him. Overhead, I heard the deep, echoing sounds of footsteps as someone – probably Kisame – hurried through the hallway.

"He just won't leave me alone," I grumbled.

Kakuzu ignored me.

"Every way I turn it's 'hey Dessie, are you in love with him yet?' – he even followed me into the bathroom! Thankfully, I wasn't getting a shower but instead sacrificing some poor schmuck to Jashin-sama. Kisame pinched his nose and somehow managed to get out the question. I swear, I almost sacrificed _him_ to Jashin-sama. Jashin-sama probably doesn't want to eat fish fry though…"

On the other side of the room, Kakuzu shifted irritably. He pencil continued moving, but I could tell her was listening.

"Kakuzu," I asked, my voice dripping in sarcasm. "Are you in love yet?"

"My only true love in money."

"What about Ms. Wendy?"

"I only loved her for her money. She does get to inherit your massive fortune – which, for some reason, you didn't want."

"Oh yeah…" I rolled over onto my stomach and grinned. 'I don't care about money."

Kakuzu snorted. "You and that idiot are the same."

I sat upright in bed, my fists clenched angrily. "Don't talk about that idiot!"

"Hm?"

"I can't go one minute without Kisame mentioned that idiot – don't you start too!"

Kakuzu turned around in his chair and stared at me. For a long moment we simply glared at each other in silence. Then, Kakuzu opened his trap and let out a long sting of, "Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan."

I covered my ears and let out a scream. "Shut up, Kakuzu!

"Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan. Hidan."

I jumped to my feet and raced up the crooked staircase. I let go of my ears with one hand long enough to throw open the basement door and into the hallway. The second I was free, I slammed the door shut behind me. Eyes closed and gasping for breath, I listened to the sounds of that idiot's name fade away.

"Dessie!"

My eyes flew open and I found myself face to face with a very blue, very shark-like man.

"Are you in love with Hidan yet?"

I punched Kisame in the face.

I think his nose might have broken. I heard something crack.

Kisame staggered backwards, clutching his bleeding nose through blue fingers at laughing at me. Through the bubbles of blood spurting through his fingers he asked, "How about now?"

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I snapped. I let out a howl of frustration and, before Kisame could let out another word, I sprinted down the hallway as far away from him as fast as possible.

I threw open the door to the bedroom – practically ripping it out of its hinges – and stormed inside, slamming the door closed behind me.

"I'm going to kill that Fish Fry," I roared. "I'm going to deep fry him and serve him up for dinner – fish and chips anyone!"

The door to the bathroom opened and Hidan stood there, covered in fresh blood from a ritual. "Hey, bitch," he snapped. "Would you shut up? You're drowning out the sounds of the dying sacrifice!"

I glared.

"You."

Hidan's scowl faded and he looked rather like a lost child. "Yeah… What about me?"

"You." I pointed a violent finger at him and stepped forward until I was almost poking him in the eye. "You. You. You. You. You're the cause of all this."

"What'd I do?"

With a cry of rage, I jumped on top of him – knocking him down onto the bed. I straddled him, one leg on either side and my hands pinning him to the bed. At the top of my lungs, I was screaming, "You son of a bitch, Zombie Whore! This is all your fault! Kisame won't shut up and you're sitting here just cutting up bitches! I want to cut of bitches too! But every time I try to sit down and enjoy a good blood bath – who's there? Kisame! Asking me if I've fallen in love with you yet! Well, you son of a bitch man whore who just won't die, I'll say it! As long as Kisame shuts the hell up, I'll say it! I'm in love with you! I've probably been in love with you for a year, but I refused to say it because you're such a dick. So shut up – I fucking love you!"

…

Hidan stared.

I was gasping for breath now that my rant was done.

Hidan was still staring.

"Well…" I said. "What do you say?"

A slow, sly grin spread across his face and his purple eyes crinkled in amusement. "Dessie…"

Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed me by the shoulders and flipped me over. Now he sat on top of me, his face twisted into a demonic smirk. Blood dripped down his torso and onto my shirt. I didn't care. I was only staring at him, wide-eyed.

"Whoa… You guys sure move fast."

My eyes flicked to the door behind Hidan where Kisame's blue face was laughing. He met my gaze and winked. "Have fun, Dessie!"

"Kisame!" I screamed, struggling against Hidan's arms. "I'm going to kill you! I'm going to run you through with a knife and leave you for the dogs to eat! Or feed you to one of Zetsu's cannibal plants! I'll kill you! I'll kill–!"

My words were cut off by Hidan's mouth on mine.

He pulled a way, unable to continue because his body was trembling with laughter. "To think…" he said between laughs. "To think…"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Hidan laughed and kissed me again. "To think that the Love Guru would actually be successful."

"He's not successful, you Zombie Whore!" I cried. "I hate you! I hate you! I hope you die a painful death!"

"You're such a good lover," said Hidan. "So romantic and considerate…"

I kicked him in his weak spot.

He doubled up, clutching his manly bits, and rolled to the side, groaning. I leapt to my feet and bolted for the door, desperate to get away. I sprinted into the kitchen in search of a hiding spot, but before I could see if the broom cupboard was big enough to hide me, I realized that I wasn't alone in the kitchen. Konan stood at the counter over a chopping board (undoubtedly making Leader a sandwich for his lunch). She was staring at me silently in confusion.

"Hi," I said awkwardly. "Nice day, isn't it."

"It's raining outside."

"Oh."

Konan stared. "Why are you covered in blood?"

I glanced down at my t-shirt. Red, blotchy stains covered the white fabric. "Fuck. This was my favorite shirt. Hidan's going to pay…"

"What'd he do this time?"

"What'd who do this time?"

I glanced over my shoulder and saw Kisame stepping into the kitchen. He walked across the room and dug through the fridge before pulling out some sushi. "You escaped Hidan's clutches."

"When was she in Hidan's clutches?" asked Konan, still as bemused as ever.

"About a minute ago."

"How'd she escape?"

"How does Dessie usually escape?"

Konan winced. "Poor Hidan…

"Not poor Hidan!" I screamed. "Hidan deserves what he got! He's a stupid ass! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! He can just roll over and die for all I care! I hope some bitch blows him to a thousand little tiny pieces and buries him in a hole in some godforsaken forest that only deer visit!"

Konan stared. "What did he do?"

I opened my mouth to make up some lie, but before any words could come out, the door to the kitchen was thrown open and Hidan – shirtless, covered in blood, and looking pissed as hell – stormed in. He picked me up and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I kicked and screamed and hit him as hard as I could, but he ignored me. Instead, he headed towards the exit.

In the doorway, he paused, looked over his shoulder at Kisame and Konan.

"Dessie and I are going to be busy for the rest of the day, so piss off and stay clear of our room!"

I was still screaming and he carried me out of the kitchen and to the bedroom. As Hidan closed the door behind us, I heard Kisame saying loudly, "Love Guru Bother Technique – successful!"


	8. From Bad to Worse

** Chapter Eight: From Bad to Worse**

**Kate**

Have you ever heard of the phrase "out of the frying pan and into the fire"? I think that describes my situation perfectly. Of course, when I first woke up, I didn't realize just how bad things had become. The last thing I remembered was being attacked by not one, but two giant spiders. I think I had screamed and jumped on Tobi's back… And then Tobi gracefully tripped…

I wrenched my eyes open and sat up. A wave of blood rushed to my head and I groaned, wishing I hadn't been so sudden. Once the dizziness passed, I looked around. IT was dark here – wherever here was – and the only sunlight came from a hole in the ceiling. I blinked and, as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I realized that I was in an underground room.

It was an ancient room with stone pillars holding up the ceiling. The floor was made of tiles and deep, green vines crept along the cracked walls. There was hole in the ceiling on one corner where the roots of trees and plants filtered down into the room. Dirt covered the floor and a few weeded grew up between the tiles.

"Where are we?" I murmured.

"Tobi is a good boy…"

I glanced at the figure, clad in a black cloak with red clouds, curled up beside me. His orange mask stood out vividly in the darkness, reflecting what little amount of light there was in here back at me. Tobi was still sleeping.

"Tobi…" I whispered, shaking his shoulder. "Tobi, wake up."

He muttered something about lollipops and rainbows before rolling over in his sleep. I sighed and slouch back, rubbing the side of my head uselessly.

"Where are we…?" I whispered yet again.

"Leaping lizards!"

Tobi leapt to his feet, his hands raised as if he was about to hit something (or someone). I cringed and ducked out of the way, but, after looking around wildly, Tobi seemed to calm down and he lowered his fists.

"Tobi had a bad dream."

"Did it have anything to do with lollipops and rainbows?" I asked, getting to my feet now that the danger had passed.

"Yes!" cried Tobi, grabbing me by the hands. "How did Kate know? Is Kate psychic?"

"Er…"

"Tobi had a bad dream where he was sucking on a lollipop and playing on a rainbow when the evil devil man came a stole Tobi's lollipop. Tobi chased him to the end of the rainbow, but the evil devil man got away…"

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry…" I stammered. "Must have been awful."

Tobi sniffled and wiped a tear from his eyes. "It was so sad."

I glanced around nervously. "So, um, Tobi – do you know where we are?"

"Tobi doesn't know a thing," he said proudly. "Tobi is just as lost as Kate."

I sighed and felt tears spring to my eyes. Quickly, I wiped them away. I didn't want Tobi to see how upset I was. It didn't matter. Tobi wasn't even looking at me. He wandered around the room, inspecting it carefully. When he was done, he returned to my side and said, "Is Hannah-Nunu okay?"

"I don't know."

"Tobi hopes his Nunu is okay."

"I'm sure she is," I said. "Deidara was with her."

"That's why Tobi is concerned."

A small smile flitted across my face. "So how are we going to get out of here?"

"Tobi doesn't know."

I sighed. "Yeah, well, Kate doesn't know either… Maybe we should move… Go… Somewhere…"

"Door."

"Huh?" I stared at Tobi in confusion, but his orange mask wasn't facing me. Instead, it was turned in the direction of the wall far to my left where, in the shadows of a pillar with creeping vines hanging low is that it was completely hidden, there was an open doorway.

"Oh… I didn't see that before…" My voice trailed off into nothingness.

Tobi started forward, skipping delightedly and clapping his hands. He stopped in front of the vines and – in one swift movement – slashed through them. The vines fell to the floor, limp, and the gaping hole was revealed.

"Tobi is so clever," he said excitedly. He made a hand sign and a burst of flame appeared, illuminating the passageway.

He hurried down the hallway and I followed him, my feet dragging reluctantly. The walls were made of stone – one slab of rock on top of the other, building crooked walls that seemed to slant inward. Moss covered the stones and cobwebs clung to every inch of the hall. A cold draft of air filled the passageway and I wrapped my arms around my shoulders.

"I wish Kisame was here…" I whispered softly.

"Did Kate say something?" asked Tobi. He was far ahead of me in the passageway, but he stopped and turned around at the slightest sound of my whisper.

"No…" I said.

He waved and continued walking.

Kisame… I sighed. We'd been dating for a few months now. He's a half-shark, half-man pervert who takes delight in tormenting me. He's blue and kind of scary looking and carries around a giant sword that eats people's chakra (thank Warg and Jashin and God that I don't have any of that). But even though… I still feel safe with him.

I glared up at the back of Tobi, which was barely visible throughout the darkness. _That_ idiot leaves me at every moment possible. Did I really have a thing for him?

"Urg…" I groaned. "St – AH!"

My foot hit a rock and, before I knew it, I was pitched face first onto the dirty, slimy ground. My head it the stones and I lay there for a moment, completely disoriented.

"Is Kate okay?" asked Tobi, walking back down the passageway. "Tobi heard Kate scream."

"I'm fine…" I said, sitting up on the ground. "Though I'm probably filthy now."

There was a pause.

"Tobi thinks – KATE LOOK OUT!"

Something – probably Tobi – slammed into me. And, once again, my head slammed against the ground and I saw the stars. Something whistled overhead, and, before I could get to comfortable, Tobi rolled over onto his back, taking me with him. Suddenly, I found myself lying on top of him.

"What are you doing!" I screamed, trying to wrestle him off me. "I have a boyfriend, you know – HEY!"

Tobi rolled over again, and again, and again, and again. He pulled me with him and I rolled and rolled and rolled until I didn't know up from down and left from right. It was all just so… confusing.

And then Tobi stopped.

I was underneath him, and he was on top. His arms supported him and he looked around the hallway wildly, as if looking for something. I lay beneath him, petrified.

"Tobi thinks it's done," said Tobi.

"Wha… What… What…?" I gasped, still trying to work out what in the world had just happened.

Tobi sat up and shifted off me. I practically leapt to my feet and, the moment my head stopped spinning, I wailed, "Just what were you doing, you crazy person!"

"Tobi just saved Kate's life."

I blinked. "How! From what!"

Tobi didn't reply. He bent over the ground and grasped hold of something. He pulled on it and, once it had come free, he turned to show it to me. It was long and narrow with something pointy at the end.

"What is it…?" I asked slowly.

"A poisoned dart," said Tobi. "A very bad person is trying to kill Tobi and Kate."

"It could be a booby trap…" I said. "It doesn't look like anyone has been here in years and years…"

Tobi considered this. "Then someone doesn't want Tobi and Kate to go this way…"

"Yeah…"

Tobi grinned. "Then that means Tobi will go that way!"

"Wait… What!" I cried, jumping to my feet. "Why would we go a way that is so clearly dangerous and will probably result in our painful deaths in a place where no one can ever find us! I don't want to die! Tobi, I don't want to die! I'm too young to die! And I just got a boyfriend who I love very much – I don't want to die!"

"Do–" Tobi paused mid speech and cocked his head slightly to the side, listening.

"What is it?"

"Shh…"

I stopped and listened, but I couldn't hear anything. "There's nothing…"

"Shh…"

And then I heard it. I heard it, alright. Loud and clear. It was a deep noise, like the kind you heard in the Indiana Jones movies when a giant boulder comes out of nowhere and almost squishes him…

"Jashin! Warg! God!" I screamed, grabbing Tobi by the wrist. "Run!"

"What is it!" cried Tobi, stumbling after me as I dragged him down the hallway.

"We're playing Indiana Jones right now!" I wailed. "Now run a little faster!"

We ran and ran and ran. The passageway seemed to have no end. And then, suddenly, the passage way opened up into a larger one with a more expanse ceiling and wider wall, which were made a smoother stone. Tobi and I kept running and, from a passageway above the one we had just been in, a giant boulder rolled down and landed with a crack behind us.

"Oh…" I said slowly. "This was a bad way to run…"

"Run!"

Tobi scooped me up onto his back and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He sprinted down the passageway, the boulder rolling behind us. My heart was pounding and I kicked and screamed, willing Tobi to go faster. He was already moving at a rapid ninja speed, but that didn't stop the boulder.

And then, the boulder stopped.

Tobi kept on running for a moment and, when he realized what had happened, he came to a screeching halt. Good thing since the tunnel ended right there. For a second, we stood there staring at the flat, stone wall in front of us. Then, we turned and stared. The hallway had gotten too narrow for the boulder to move through and it had gotten stuck.

"Well," I said. "At least we haven't died yet. I don't know if I can live through another Indian Jones adventure."

"Tobi has a bad feeling about this…"

"What?"

Tobi wasn't looking at me. His eyes were fixated on the walls. I followed his gaze and stared at the moss covered stones. "Um…"

"Tobi thinks that walls were farther apart just a minute ago."

My heart skipped a beat. "No! It's the old Indiana Jones curse where they walls start coming closer and closer together or the ceiling comes down and Indiana Jones is about to get squished, but by some miracle he escapes every time!"

"How does Indiana Jones escape?" asked Tobi.

"A beautiful girl saves him."

"Tobi wants a beautiful girl… Is Hannah-Nunu nearby?"

"What!" I wailed as the walls slid in even closer. I could now spread my arms out and touched both walls at once. "Am I not good enough?"

"Kate's cute… but Hannah's beautiful…"

"Stupid Nunus," I muttered. "Tobi! The walls are getting closer!"

"Tobi knows! Tobi knows!"

The walls slid in even closer. I began to feel claustrophobic. My breathing came in short, swift gasps. I covered my eyes and sniffled uncontrollably, trying to hold back tears. "I don't want to die…"

"Tobi can't stop the walls from moving!"

"What are we going to do?"

"Tobi doesn't know!"

"Then Tobi had better figure something out!"

"Tobi is trying!"

"Try harder! AH!"

Right then the floor gave out beneath us and we plunged down into the darkness.

There's a glowing light. A glowing orange light. Why is there a glowing light? Can I touch it? No. No. That's bad. Remember the last time you touched a glowing light? Earth. The Fence. Earth. The Fence. Wargonia! War. War. War. War. Yep. Random glowing lights are bad things. Very scary things. Don't touch the glowing light.

But the last light was blue. This one is orange. Maybe blue lights are bad and orange lights are good…

Or maybe they're both bad. It's safe to not touch strange glowing lights. Safer. Safer. Don't touch.

"Can I touch it?"

"Tobi! Don't!" I cried, swatting his hand away before his fingers could touch the light. "Bad things happen when you touch glowing things."

"Oh… Right… Tobi forgot."

I nodded. I wrapped my arms around my torso and gazed upwards. There was no ceiling. The a high expanse upwards into blackness. We'd fallen, I'm pretty sure we did. Down, down, down… all the way here. We should be dead. It was a long way to fall. But we're not. There's something very wrong here.

"Is there any way out?" I whispered.

"Kate…"

I glanced over at Tobi. His eyes were fixed on something in the distance and I turned around, following his gaze. And I screamed.

They were dead. Dead. But they were walking. Drooling, ugly, pieces of work with moldy skin drawn tight over their flat faces. There was no need to ask what they were. The answer was obvious. Zombies.

"No!" I screamed and cowered behind Tobi. "Give me Indiana Jones back! I want giant scary rolling boulders and walls that try to kill me! Indiana Jones all the way!"

Tobi changed. He grew very still and his eyes turned dark. A shiver ran down my spine and, suddenly, I felt the strong desire to run to the zombies and hide behind _them_.

"Dear Jashin…" I whispered. "Madara…"

Yep. We just went from bad to worse.

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry it took me over a week to upload again. I sort of got addicted to watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (best show ever, Spike is to die for! Again, I have a thing for violent men with light colored hair). Anyways, HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL! I've already sent out my thanskgiving texts went went a little like this "Happy Thanksgiving! (don't you just love the holiday mass texts?)" hahaha it makes my wishes so meaningful. I think the mass texts are funny. And it gives me an excuse to text the guy I like. hahahaha Don't waste a golden opportunity!**

**Review! Or zombies will come attack you and Tobi will turn all evil right when you need him the most! Evil Tobi is never good!**


	9. Big Just Got Bigger

**Chapter Nine: Big Just Got Bigger**

**Hannah**

My first time flying had been a disaster. I hadn't thrown a huge fuss about it like Kate nor had I enjoyed it immensely like Dessie. I'd just sort of… stood there. Frozen in fear. Throughout the entire flight I stood rigidly next to Deidara and refused to move. I wouldn't look anywhere but the back of his head and wouldn't even blink until we were safely on the ground. Of course, it's fine now. I actually think flying is fun. The wind in my hair and the whole world small below me. It's fun.

"Do you see anything, uhn?" asked Deidara.

I kept my hand firmly on his arm (I don't have chakra to keep me attached to the bird) and stared at the miniscule world below. "Trees."

"Isn't Four's place at the top of the mountain?"

"We need to fly higher then."

"Uhn."

I scanned the forest below. The mountain rose steeply, its landscape turning into hills, valleys, and ravines. I was relieved we were up on Deidara's bird; I don't really want to climb those rocky cliffs to reach Four's place.

"I wonder where they are," I said thoughtfully.

"Where who are?"

"The others."

"Oh. Kate was with Tobi last I saw. She was, um, clinging tp him."

Deidara snickered. "I wonder what Kisame would say if he were here."

"Tobi would probably be dead. Or at least missing some valuable body parts…" I grinned villainously. "We should tell Kisame all about our little adventures when we get back."

"We a little exaggeration, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"You know it."

The bird soared higher in the air and the side of the steep mountain rose beside us. It seemed never ending. Even after hours and hours of walking we had not made a huge gain on the larger scale. The climb was near never ending.

"Up and up we go…" I said softly. "Where we stop nobody knows."

"We stop at the top, uhn."

"And where is that?"

Deidara thought about it for a second. "Up."

I won't bore you with the endless details of our flying. Deidara's bird flew up for hours before we found the summit. We talked… about stuff. Nothing you'd care about… It was enjoyable, but I won't bore you with all the details. Of course, the trip started to get cold. The higher we flew, the icier the air became. I could see my breath coming out in clouds. My body began to shiver maniacally and teeth clattered together.

"You okay?" asked Deidara.

"F-f-fine," I stammered. "I'm f-f-fine."

He grinned, his blond hair blowing in the wind. "No you're not. You're freezing."

"W-w-w-well, that's the w-w-way it w-w-works. W-w-w-we go up and it gets c-c-colder." I paused. My eyes grew wide as they were filled with an unexpected sight. "Deidara… Look…"

He followed my gaze and found himself overcome with the same sight. We had reached it. Finally, we had reached the summit. And there, on the highest peak, was Four's home. It was still far in the distance, but even form here I could tell that it was enormous and grand and…

"Is that thing made of gold?" asked Deidara.

I blinked. "Yeah, yeah. It is."

"Good thing Kakuzu isn't here," said Deidara. "He's have a heart attack and try to rob Four blind."

"Yep," I said cheerfully. "Good old Kakuzu, I miss him."

"But not Zetsu?"

"Kakuzu is special."

Deidara scowled and folded his arms. "Am I spcieal?"

"N-n-nope," I said through chattering teeth. "You're just you… Oh. L-l-look. It's snowing."

Indeed it was. Not only had the mountain become capped in snow and ice, but the gray clouds above us began to realize flakes of snow. I stuck out my tongue and let the flakes land. They melted almost immediately, moist on my tongue.

"I'm n-n-not really d-d-dressed for this."

Deidara grinned and, before I knew what was happening, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled my close to him. He opened his coat and draped it around me, hugging me close underneath it.

"Comfy, uhn."

I scowled and pushed him away. He snickered, but didn't let go.

"Let go of me," I said.

"You know you like it."

"Nope," I said grimly. "I'm not a huggy person. I'll freeze to death first."

"Really?" His arms loosened around me and he sounded almost disappointed.

I took advantage of his weak grip to push him away. He released me and stepped to the back of the bird, leaving me alone at the head. I gasped, suddenly left with nothing to hold on to.

"Deidara…" I cried. The bird shifted beneath me. I couldn't hold on. And I was pitched forward off the bird, plummeting down and down towards the ground.

Air whistled around my ears and my eyes watered. Down and down and down. "Deidara!" I screamed, until my throat blistered. "Deidara! I'm going to kill you! And if you let me die I'll haunt you for the end of time!"

\ An arm wrapped around my waist and, with a gasp of air, I was jerked upwards. I coughed and spluttered, clinging to arm desperately.

"Deidara!" I choked and coughed, my voice not coming out properly. "Dei… dara… I'll… kill… you… where's... my… frying… pan…?"

"Uh… Must have, um, lost it somewhere, uhn," said Deidara awkwardly. "What do you know… Sorry…"

"Deidara!" I gasped. "Give it to me!"

"Don't know where it is…"

I turned around and grabbed him by the collar. "Deidara!" I shook him violently. "Give!" His head bobbed back and forth. "Me!" His hair was flopping about crazily. "Back!" His one visible eye was rolling upwards. "My!" My breathing was in short gasps. "Frying!" A giant eagle attacked us. "Pan! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I let go of Deidara and fell backwards. The clay bird tipped to the side and I skirting towards the edge. I screamed and grabbed hold of the wing. I wrapped by arms around the clay. The wing beat rapidly and my body went up and down with it.

I couldn't really see what Deidara was doing, but I could hear the sound of multiple explosions in the background and the screeches of the eagle.

"Deidara…" I gasped, still clinging to the bird. "Help…"

He didn't hear me. Of course, he didn't hear me. I was going to fall. I had to move or I was going to fall. Desperately, I reached out a hand, using my legs to cling to the beating wing. I reached for something to grab on to. The bird tipped to the side, swerving to avoid the talon of the hawk. I screamed as I slid a little ways down the wing.

"Hannah!" Deidara cried out my name. For a second, I thought he was going to help me, but his time was preoccupied with fighting the giant eagle.

I clung to the clay bird and, shaking, I reached out a hand to grab hold of the bird's body. My fingers sunk into the clay, leaving deep indents. When I was certain I had a strong handhold, I dragged my body upwards. My legs slid up, clenching the wing tightly. The wing flapped and I felt the whole bird shift beneath me. I clung on tightly and willed myself to stay. Another hand hold and another slid forward. Closer and closer until I was lying on the bird's back, my hands dug into the clay and I gasped for breath.

"Hannah…"

I glanced up to see Deidara standing on the head of the bird. His little clay masterpieces flapped around his head, waiting for his command to fly at the eagle. For the first time, I got a good look at the beast attacking us. It was at least twice the size of Deidara's bird and could easily fit both of us in its beak at once.

"Deidara…" I groaned. "I can't hold on…"

He didn't hear me. He was too busy laughing maniacally as one of his bombs blew up the eagle's eye. The eagle howled in pain and jerked about wildly. Its body was wracked with pain and it wriggled and writhed in all directions.

"Help me… Deidara!" I screamed.

That got his attention. While the bird was occupied with its own pain, Deidara raced to me and hauled me to my feet, making sure he kept one arm fixed around my waist.

"Come on," he said, pulling me to the front of the bird. "Stand behind me and hold on."

I did as he instructed. "Where's my frying pan?"

He pulled it out of his coat (Jashin knows where he was keeping it) and handed it to me. I clenched the handle in my right hand and clung to Deidara's back desperately with my left hand.

The eagle had recovered and, with blood streaming from its eye, it was pissed. Deidara's mini birds still soared about his head and I remained behind him, wondering what one earth or the fence I could do with my frying pan. At the moment it was acting more like a safety blanket than anything else.

The eagle shot at us like a bullet, its talons exposed and ready to rip us to shreds. Deidara's clay bird dodge the first attack, but almost ran into the eagle's beating wing. With a movement that should be impossible for a bird of that size, the eagle whipped around and came for a second strike. Deidara sent one of his birds towards the eagle, but the eagle managed to dodge it and swat the bird away. The eagle had the yes for one thing and one thing only – us.

It's talon sunk into the clay of Deidara's bird. Deidara tried to blow up the eagle's feet, but the explosions had no effect. Even as blood dripped down the birds legs it kept a firm hold on the birds body, shaking it about violently.

"Hannah!" cried Deidara, grabbing my wrist. "Jump!"

"What!" I screamed, my voice getting lost in the wind.

"Jump!"

"No!"

"We have to!"

"Make me!"

"Insufferable!"

"What!"

"Insufferable woman! Jump!"

Deidara wrapped his arms around my torso and, with all the strength he could muster, he threw us off the bird.

There was nothing beneath us. Nothing above us except our goal and nothing below us except the ground. Far, far below.

Deidara kept one arm wrapped around my waist and raised the other. "Katsu!"

The clay bird exploded into a thousand pieces with a rush of fire and smoke. The eagle let out one final screech before he was ripped to shreds and fell towards the ground, already dead.

Deidara laughed maniacally. "I did it! It's dead!"

"You idiot!" I screamed, grabbing him by the throat. "We're going to die and all you can think about is beating that stupid bird!"

"Hannah! Let – go – of – me!"

As we plummeted towards our deaths, I kept my hands fastened around Deidara's neck and continued shaking him violently, hoping that before we hit the ground and splattered into tiny bits and pieces I would be able to knock some sense into that blond head of his.

I highly doubt I'll succeed.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>**A/N: My Thanksgiving gift to you. Three updates in one day. Kate, now Hannah, and now I'm working on Dessie. As warning, Dessie's chapter is one of her Princess dream ones. I had to have a filler for her chapter and this seemed the best option. I know some of you don't like those chapters, but, personally, I enjoy writing them. I apologize in advance, but anyways, I hope you enjoyed Hannah's chapter.**

**Now, I would like to point out that these three updates are my Thanksgiving gift to you. And in return, since it's Thanksgiving (a time of giving) you should give me some reviews! **


	10. Nightmares Keep On Going

**Chapter Ten: Nightmares Keep On Going**

**Dessie**

I am Dessie, the supposedly graceful and elegant and ladylike daughter of Leader. Since I am a nobleman's daughter, great things are expected of me. I'm supposed to be gentle, and kind, and beautiful (well, at least I have the beautiful part down). I disappoint my father in some way every single day, but I can hardly help it. It's not in my nature to be a nobleman's daughter. I want to fight. I need it. I crave it. The blood and guts and gore – it's enough to get any girl excited… A long bloody battle and afterward a hunk of guy to share the… Yeah, but as I was saying, um, I'm not cut out to be a lady. Heh…

I always dreamed of war, of proving myself and bringing honor to the family, and, during the summer of my twentieth year, my chance arose. The Huns were attacking China (yeah, I live in China now – I don't know when this happened). My father was injured in the previous war – to go now would mean certain death to him!

"Leader!" I cried, throwing myself at my father's feet.

Father stood over me, his expression grim. He was the only Chinese man I knew to have orange hair and facial piercings. However, he was a highly respected Chinese general in his time. Now, however, he relied on a crutch to walk.

"What is it, Dessie?" asked Father.

"You cannot go!" I cried. "You'll die!"

"It is for duty and honor."

"No!"

Mother stepped up beside Father and placed a hand on his shoulder. She was a beautiful mother with blue hair and an elegant paper flower in her hair. "You shouldn't yell at your father, Dessie."

"I know, I know," I said. "It's not ladylike. But surely, Father, someone else can go in your place…"

"No! I have no sons! I must go! I will go! And if I die, I will die with honor!"

And that was the end of that discussion – or so my father thought. In the middle of the night I snuck into his closet and stole his armor. Hair cut short (not my beautiful hair!) and dressed as a boy, I rode off into the night in the direction of the war. The blood of the battlefield was calling to me…

Camp was, um, a little different than expected. Um, how should I describe it? It was filled with men, Stinky, sweaty, disgusting, gross men. There weren't any Hotties at all! Whatever happened to my dream of a bloody battle and a sexy man afterwards! It's gone… gone… gone…

"Who's the girl?"

I straightened up and turned, stiffly, to stare at three men standing behind me. Kakuzu, that's what he called himself, looked like a mummy with his whole face covered by clothing with the exception of his bloodshot green eyes. The second guy (who cheerfully introduced himself as Kisame) was just as much a monstrosity as the first. His skin was a blue-gray color and he had _gills_. He sort of reminded me of a shark, And lastly, was a blond fur ball.

"Do _you_ have any right to call me a girl?" I asked incredulously.

Blondie cracked his knuckles. "Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."

Kisame snickered. "He likes to make things go boom!"

"You're all idiots," said Kakuzu. "You should just give him a knuckles sandwich and be done with it."

"What did I do?" I asked. "What did I do to make you hate me?"

"Absolutely nothing," said Kisame with a shrug. "We're just bored."

"Oh." I considered this for a second. "In that case…" I wound my fist back and let it loose – in Blondie's face.

He let out a cry of pain as he fell to the ground. He clutched his nose and rolled on the ground as blood spurted between his fingers.

I stood over the fallen Blondie and grinned. "That'll teach you to call me a girl, you asshole. I'm ten times more a man that you are… of course, that's not saying much."

"Shut up, you whore!" shouted Blondie, he leapt to his feet. "I'll blow you to little pieces!" He reached into a pouch fastened to his waist and pulled some clay out of it. He shaped the clay into some unknown form and, before I knew what was happened he threw it at me and screamed, "Katsu!"

I yelped as the clay exploded, spitting embers into my face. When the flames were gone, I rounded on Blondie. "You bitch!" And then I jumped on him, fists and feet flying in all directions.

"What is this madness?"

The voice was not loud, but it was commanding. It practically oozed authority and charisma. There was no way to deny that sexy, _manly_ voice. I leapt off of Blondie and turned to see the hunk who had spoken. Boy oh boy, I wasn't disappointed. The man was gorgeous. Black hair, blood red eyes, and a sculpted body to die for. Oh my Jashin, I am in heaven.

I was too stunned by the hotness of Commander Itachi to even care about the punishment and lecture he gave me. All I could do was drool of his sexiness and walk back to my tent in a daze. Throughout training camp I tried my hardest to impress him. My arrows never missed the target. My punches were precise. My kicks were powerful. I was the strongest, the fastest, maybe not the cleverest, but we can't all be perfect. And, by the ending of our training, I was voted, uncontested, the manliest man around.

Kisame clapped me on the shoulder and grinned, "How does it feel, Des, to be so manly?"

I grinned, enjoying my own inside joke. "And you thought I was girly when I first arrived."

"Our mistake," said Kisame with a shrug. "I think you've more than proven your manliness – though you haven't been with a woman yet. That's when you _know_ you're a man."

"Heh…" I said sheepishly. "I'm… in the middle of a war… it isn't time for a woman."

"There's always time for a woman," said Kakuzu. "A woman and making some money on the side."

"Hmph," said Deidara. "I'm still manlier than Des."

Kisame patted Deidara on the shoulder. "You can always go join a convent – then you'll be the manliest man around."

"Along with the only man," said Kakuzu.

We went to bed that night drunk in happiness and when we woke up the next morning it was to prepare for war. The Commander's father had called for aid and our troops set out to help him. We made our way through the mountain passes to a small village where the General's armies had been hiding. However, all we found was snow and blood.

"Damn," I said, kicking a fallen soldier's helmet. "We missed the battle."

"We haven't missed the war," said Kakuzu.

The stone faced Commander led us to a spot in the mountain pass where we could make camp. However, camp didn't last long… The Huns attacked. Commander Itachi led the troops well, but we were overwhelmed by the mass of the Hun army. At the very last second, I grabbed a canon and sprinted towards the Hun army. I had a clear goal in mind, I might not be the brightest thinker in the bunch, but sometimes I had have good ideas – and this, I would say, is one of my brighter ideas.

I set the canon up in the snow and grabbed my matches. The Hun army rode closer, their horses stampeding towards us. At the front… At the front of the army… I dropped my matches into the snow and stared.

He was so damn hot.

Short gray hair, slicked back behind his ear, violent purple eyes, and a body… dear God that body… I couldn't kill that body. It was too… perfect.

Slam!

The Hottie ran into me and knocked me to the ground. He fell of his horse too. Together, we rolled along the ground and came to a stop with him lying on top of me.

"You tried to kill us, bitch!" he cried.

"Kill you?" I asked. "Never. Not you…" I smiled and wriggled beneath him. "You're too sexy to kill."

"Eh?"

I rolled over so that I was kneeling on top of his, the snow falling in bundles all around us. "Hottie..."

"Hey, Des!"

I glanced over to see who was coming. Kisame, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Deidara were running through the snow towards me, their eyes were wide.

"What are you doing to Hidan?" asked Kisame, looking rather repulsed. "You do know he's the enemy."

I wrapped my arms around his neck (probably strangling him a little). "He's to hot to be an enemy. He's mine. I want him and he's mine. End of story."

"Is this chick always so fucking weird?" asked Hidan angrily.

"Chick?" said Deidara. "Des is a dude. A manly dude… Though apparently he's gay."

"I'm not gay!" I said indignantly. "I'm a girl, you idiot!"

"EH!" exclaimed Deidara, pointing wildly. "A girl… A girl… But you're in the army… And you're manly!" He looked about him and was rather outraged by the lack of surprise on everyone else's faces. "Don't tell me everyone else knew!"

"Well…" said Kisame slowly. "It was kind of obvious."

"You're too short to be a guy," said Kakuzu. "And you're curvy."

I smiled and glanced down at my beautiful chest. "I know. Sexy curvy."

Deidara groaned. "How did everyone know but me! Did the Commander know!" He rounded on Itachi, daring the Commander to say yes.

"Hn."

"Don't hurt the Hottie!" I cried, drive-tacking Deidara to stop him from hitting Itachi.

"Hey!" cried Hidan angrily. "I thought I was the Hottie!"

"You're both Hotties!" I exclaimed. I clasped my hands together and made moon eyes at the both of them. "You're so tall and handsome – with the body of a chiseled sculpture. You're both like gods of divinity!"

"Dessie, you're drooling."

I turned around and saw Leader standing there, looking faintly amused.

"Father!" I cried, throwing myself in his arms to give him a hug. "I missed you!"

The men behind me grew stiff and when I turned around I saw that they were saluting my father.

"Hey…" I said slowly. "What's going on?"

"Is this your father?" asked Itachi.

"Yeah…"

"He's the general of the Hun army," said Hidan happily.

"Wait… What?"

"You didn't know," said Deidara in surprise. "We pretended to be a part of the Chinese army and trained with them; instead, however, we planned to help the Hun army when Itachi's father called for aid."

"Wait… Itachi was going to betray his own father?"

Itachi shrugged. "Hn."

I smacked my forehead. "Even in dreams these things never change."

"So, Leader," said Hidan, walking over ad draping one arm around my shoulders. "Or should I call you daddy?"

I swear I saw Father's eye twitch.

"I think we should get married here," said Hidan. "In the middle of winter… he colder the better…"

"Marriage!" I cried, the truth of his words dawning on me. "When are we getting married! Just because I think you're hot doesn't mean I want to marry you, you shithead!" I punched him in the jaw and stepped away, raising my fists and preparing to fight. Hidan just laughed.

And then I was in a wedding dress, clothed in white with a crown of daisies on my head (courtesy of Tobi, who had originally made them for Hannah). Leader was wiping away a tear in his eye as he walked his daughter down the aisle. And at the alter of Jashin there was…

"!"

I sat upright, as if a bolt of electric energy had just shot through my body. An arm dropped into my lap and I looked at it through the darkness, scrutinizing it carefully. It was well made, each muscle carefully defined and toned. It was a man's arm. Slowly, my eyes followed the arm to the equally attractive shoulder and, eventually, to the head. And that oh-so-familiar face.

"Hidan!" I cried, kicking him in the shin underneath the covers. "Why are you in my bed!"

"Urg…"

Groggily, Hidan sat up. The covers fell away revealing his bare chest and, um, so much more. I screamed and fell out of bed, trying to get away from him. I landed with a heavy thump on the floor and, sitting there, I realized that I wasn't wearing much in the clothes department either.

"What did we _do_? I asked.

And then it all came flooding back to me.

My face started off as white then it changed to a deep red as I remembered everything. Finally, I got to my feet and, trying to keep the grin off my face, I said, "Don't think this changes anything. I still hate you."

Hidan snorted. "That's not what you said earlier."

"Ignore that. It was a one time thing."

"Um… You said it again in bed. And again… And again… Oh and that time too…"

"Shut up!" I grabbed a pillow off the bed and threw it at his head. He dodged it and caught hold of my arm, a sly grin on his face. He pulled me back into the bed and I slid under the covers (who am I to reject the warmth of sheets?).

"So why were you screaming?" asked Hidan. "Was I that scary?"

"Bad dream," I said darkly. "And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse – I woke up next to you."

Hidan snickered. "So what made the dream so bad? Was I in it?"

"Yes you were. You were evil and I killed you."

"And that was the scary part? Were you that sad you killed me, bitch?" He tipped his head back and let out a bark of laughter.

"No. The part that had me screaming was the fact that I was walking down the aisle towards Zetsu."

"Zetsu?"

"Zetsu."

"Zetsu's married to Hannah."

"I know, She was mouthing 'thank you' to me as I walked down the aisle."

Hidan laughed again. "Oh Hannah, she would do that. She's a good Donkey Bitch – leaving you to marry that cannibal and all. Though I don't know why, in his right mind, Zetsu would want to marry you."

"I don't know either," I said, nestling back against the pillow. "Maybe someone blackmailed him into it."

"Maybe that Blond Fur Ball."

"Zetsu would rather eat Deidara than listen to a word he has to say."

"Good point."

"It's all just a dream, anyways."

Hidan grinned slyly and, before my mind could properly register what was happening, he rolled over on top of me and said, "In reality, you're mine. All mine."

"You're a pervert," I said. "Did you know that?"

"And you love it."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, Hun."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The last line is a reference to Dessie's dear, not a term of endearment. This is a rare chapter for me, because romance is not my style. I can have nice little flirting relationships where a guy and a girl bully each other and makes joke etc, but romance is sooooooo not my style. So please forgive me for my poor writing on this part. However, here begins Dessie and Hidan's relationship and, hopefully, it will last longer than Dessie and Itachi's relationship. Also, Dessie's dream made absolutely no sense whatsoever. **

**Happy Thanksgiving!**

**Now, I would like to point out that these three updates are my Thanksgiving gift to you. And in return, since it's Thanksgiving (a time of giving) you should give me some reviews! Otherwise the Hun army will find you - and it won't be quite as romantic as Dessie's encounter.**


	11. Oopsie Daisy

**Chapter Eleven: Oopsie Daisy**

**Kate**

Zombies scare me.

Always have, always will.

I'll start off with the first time I ever met a zombie. It was on Halloween and my dad thought it would be fun to watch a scary movie. He's a great dad and all that, but not the brightest. He plopped his daughter down on his lap and put in the scariest, most gruesome zombie horror movie he could find. I was scared for life.

And, for pure amusement, Dessie thought it would be fun to dress up as a zombie every Halloween since fifth grade because she knew how much zombie terrified me. So, whenever we went out trick-or-treating, adults would open their doors to find Little Red Riding Hood running around on their porch screaming as a zombie staggers after her, moaning and groaning. We were banned from trick-or-treating anymore when we broke our third porch. Hannah just facepalmed herself and called us all idiots.

Anyways, the point is I hate zombie with a burning passion. So, when moldy, rotting, deformed zombies rose from the ground, I was petrified in fear. They moaned and they groaned and step by miserable step, they drew closer to me.

I shrieked and cowered behind Tobi. Of course, he wasn't Tobi then. He was Madara.

Madara and I had – er – some personal issues between the two of us. The first time we met, Kisame had locked Tobi and me in a closet and I tried to confess my love for him. Tobi panicked and changed into Madara.

From what I gathered, Madara was evil. Well, considering I spend my days with a criminal insane organization, I guess that's not saying much. But Madara is strong enough to draw the attention of the Akatsuki – which means he must be pretty strong… and pretty evil.

The zombies – in all their hideousness – were drawing closer. My heart skipped a beat and I inched closer to Madara. Between zombie and evil, I would always choose the evil.

"Help me!" I wailed, hiding behind Madara's legs. "Their going to eat my brains!"

Madara didn't say anything.

The first of the zombie reached us (they move at a terrifyingly slow pace) and reached out a rotting green-gray hand towards Madara. Without hesitation, Madara pulled out a kunai and chopped off the zombie's hand from the wrist down. The hand fell to the floor where it lay there uselessly for a moment and then became to twitch spasmodically.

"It's alive!" I shrieked.

"Shut up."

Still trying to back away from the wriggling hand, I scowled at Madara and cried, "Tobi was nicer! Tobi never told anyone to shut up!"

"I'm not Tobi," said Madara grimly as he sliced off another zombie's head.

"I want Tobi back! I want Tobi back! Change back to Tobi!" I screamed repeatedly.

"He can't protect you."

"Yes he can! Better than you! You're more likely to kill me in a very violent way than save my life!"

Madara raised his kunai and brought it down with a sharp jab into the eye socket of a drooling zombie. The zombie crumpled to its knees and groaned, while Madara turned to survey me carefully. "If you don't shut up right now – I _will_ kill you. And in the most violent and painful way I can think of."

As the zombie's severed head became to twitch and moan, I backed myself to the wall and said, "Tobi wouldn't kill me."

I swear, if Madara had not been busy dismembering zombies, he would have decapitated me then and there. Instead, he shot me dark glares between slices of his kunai. The phrase "If looks could kill" came to mind.

I kept my back plastered against the wall, making sure to keep an eye fixed on the squirming body parts of the zombies. The orange orb continued to glow in the corner of the room. It was almost more terrifying than the zombies. The memories of the last mysterious glowing orb I encountered came flooding back. The blue orb – Four had created that, he had probably made this orange orb too. Did the orange orb do the same thing? A new dimension? Did it lead to a place worse than Wargonia? Or did it lead back to Earth?

I don't –

"WAAAH!"

A cold, clammy hand grasped my ankle and tugged. I felt my foot sliding out from underneath me – I glanced down. The severed torso of a zombie. His dried guts spilling out onto the floor. There was no blood to spill, but the organs were still there.

The torso had an arm extended, the rotting hand clasped my foot firmly and tugged – its strength was incredible, considering it was dead.

"Madara!" I screamed, as my legs buckled beneath me. "Help!"

"Help yourself," he said dully.

I fell on top of the zombie.

The smell… oh the smell… It was awful. The reek of burnt flesh and rotten eggs and mold and all things dead and disgusting… I gagged. The body – the wretched body – wriggled beneath me.

A scream pierced my throat as I pushed myself away from the zombie. As I scuttled away, the zombie kept a firm grip on me. Never letting go.

But that was the least of my worries.

The smell, the odor, the stench – I couldn't handle it. Even if I had managed to get some distance between the zombie and mean – the disgusting aftertaste remained. The bile rose in my throat and – gag, gag – hot a burning and bitter – it came out. Retching and retching – the contents of my stomach came out.

"That's disgusting," said Madara as he chopped off another zombie head.

It _tasted_ disgusting. I sat up, choking on the vile taste in my mouth and turned to regard the problem at hand. The zombie.

"I hate you…" I said bitterly.

"Me?" asked Madara hopefully.

"No," I said. "I just dislike you with a passion. But I _hate_ zombies."

"Well," said Madara, completely unconcerned with my predicament. "Squisher did say there was going to be trials. We'll probably face our greatest fears. If I'm lucky, I'll be Tobi when that happens. Tobi's biggest fear is mice."

I aimed a somewhat vicious kick at the head of the zombie. Something went snap and the zombie snarled at me irritably.

"How do I kill them!" I wailed.

"I'll let you know as soon as I find out."

The zombie's grip grew suddenly harder and my leg began to groan beneath its fingers. I let out a shrill scream. "Find out faster!"

Something began to crack.

"Madara!"

He ignored me.

I kicked and kicked and screamed and screamed and fought and fought – but to no avail. The grip was like iron. Shackles. And slowly, but surely, the zombie was dragging me closer to him. The wretched odor grew steadily stronger.

The moment my leg was within reach of its head, the zombie cracked open its jaws…

"No!"

I swung up my free leg and – with all the force I could muster – whacked the zombie in the nose.

The zombie's had cracked back and the shock was enough to make it let go of me. I screamed and scurried away – until my back hit something. Slowly, heart racing, I turned and saw the twitching severed hand of a zombie.

A cry burst through my lips and I leapt to my feet, sprinting in the opposite direction (which just so happened to be in the direction of the fallen torso). As I raced towards it, the torso reached out an arm to grab me. I jumped into the air – trying to soar over the zombie's outstretched arm.

It didn't work.

The hand caught me yet again (really intelligent on my part) and my feet were caught up beneath me.

I went crashing towards the ground. Or, more accurately, I went crashing down into the glowing orange orb.

Oopsie Daisy.

* * *

><p>It's all broken colors.<p>

Colors from the imagination, but only in pieces.

Wait… That makes no sense…

I blinked.

And then realized I couldn't blink.

Well… This is weird.

Weird isn't the word for it.

This is… This is… I really don't know what this is. It is whatever it is. Whatever that is.

I think everything was white. White is made up of colors. Lots and lots and lots of colors. All different colors swirling together to make pictures.

They were the weirdest pictures I have ever seen.

Blue. That was the first thing I saw. Blue and grays and a little bit of green. There was nothing to taste here, but it reminded me a salt. And then the colors began to become more defined. A face – a so familiar face – with the sharp lines and bold gills. His hair was a blue as always and just as messy. He didn't have his sword with him. And his eyes were closed. He didn't see me.

"Kisame!" I cried.

His eyes remained closed.

"Kisame!"

"He can't hear you."

I whipped around, desperate to catch sight of who had spoken. There was no one there. I turned back to Kisame, only to find that he was no longer alone. The others were with him too now. Deidara and Hannah were clinging to each other, their mouths and eyes wide as if they were screaming in horror. Itachi was there too, looking bored. Leader and Konan were standing together; their mouths half open as if in deep conversation. Zetsu was kneeling, his mouth spread into a wide grin and a bit of blood stained his lips (I didn't want to know what he had been doing). Kakuzu was in a sitting position, his head bent over some unseen amount of money he was counting. And then there was Hidan and Dessie… Well, I'd rather not describe what position they were frozen in.

"Guys!" I cried. "Guys!"

They didn't answer. They were all frozen in position.

"What's going on here…?" I whispered helplessly.

"Give it a second."

It was a the same voice as before. I can't really describe it. Deep and high, light and dark, soft and hard, rough and smooth – it was indescribable.

"Give what a second? Who are you?"

"One-Hundred-And-Twenty-Five."

"Huh?" I glanced at the others. They were starting to disappear. Their faces, their bodies, their clothes – they were vanishing into nothing.

"What are you doing to them!" I cried. "Bring them back!"

"Don't worry," said the voice. "Where they're going, you're going too."

"And where's that?"

The voice chuckled deeply. The white and its broken colors seems to chuckle with the voice – filled with the same mirth.

The others were gone now. I didn't know where they were. Or where they were going. Or where I was going. From what I could tell, so far, I was staying here. Right here. I believed that right up until my hands started disappearing.

"What's going on!" I cried.

"Red rover, red rover, send Kate right over."

"What?"

"Red rover…" The giggled multiplied. "Red rover…" And then they stopped. "Send Kate right over."

My hands were almost entirely gone now. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I was nothing. And the world was white. So white…and colorful.

Colors from the imagination, but in pieces.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I want to get this straight right now. I do not follow the Naruto plot. At all. If you want to read the Naruto plot, then go read Naruto. It exists for a reason. I find it boring to recite the plot of someone else's story. I'm just taking the Naruto characters and throwing them into the hypothetical situation. So, please don't complain to me about not following the Naruto plot line. I never had any intention of following it. **

**Anyways, i hope you enjoyed your three-update-Thanksgiving. And guess what - here is where the plot really starts. **

**I actually like Kate and Madara together. Not Kate and Tobi (sorry, but they have no chemistry in my mind), but Kate and Madara. I might start developing my own plot line with the Tobi/Madara situation. Of course, Naruto has this whole new twist... Urg. Way to ruin 99.9% of fandom. Since that's already been blown - hey! Let's completely make it my own. **

**Read and review or you'll find yourselves being sucked into a glowing orange orb - and trust me, that thing leads to places you don't want to know. (or will know in the next chapter if you REVIEW). **


	12. Life Couldn't Get Stranger

**Chapter Twelve: Life Couldn't Get Stranger**

**Hannah**

Splash.

It ended with an orange splash.

Yeah, I know, that wasn't exactly how I envisioned my death. Falling, falling, falling… and then a splash of orange.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Why did being dead hurt so much?

It felt more like I was drowning. Drowning? That didn't make sense. If I was dead, I wouldn't be in so much pain.

And then it hit me – I was alive.

My eyes wrenched open, only to be flooded with salt water. The vision blurred and I waved my hands about wildly, trying to find air. I found it, soon enough. My head jerked upright and, with an overpowering gushing sensation, I was above water, gasping for breath and filling my lungs with life.

My feet touched a rocky bottom and I stood up straight, the salt water coming only to my chest. The ocean… That's where I was. The cloudless sky stretched out around me and a white-gold sun glittered warmly above the ocean's waves. There was a sandy beach to my left, the waves lapping upon the shore.

I blinked. Once, twice, three times and again. To make sure that what I was seeing was not a lie.

We had been on a mountain… Four's mountain… We'd been flying on the back of a clay bird when a giant hawk attacked us… Us… Deidara and I… we fell… But where had we ended up?

"Deidara?" I called out tentatively to the ocean. "Deidara?'

Did he fall to a different place? This was not the mountain we were just at. Maybe this is another trial…

A spray of water hit me in the back and I whipped around to see Deidara, his soaking wet blond hair matted to his face, thrashing about in the water. His arms flailed above his head and he cried, "Help! Help! I can't swim! Help!"

I made a fist with my hand and brought it smashing down on the top of Deidara's head. He froze mid-panic and let his arms fall to his sides.

"Even I can touch here, you idiot," I said dully.

He stretched out his legs and, sure enough, he found the bottom. Blushing slightly, Deidara stood upright and looked about slowly.

"Where are we, uhn?"

"If only I knew…"

"I think we're in the ocean…"

I sighed. "Well no duh. But what happened to Four's mountain? Where'd it go?"

"To hell if I know." Deidara shrugged and began to wade through the water. His movements were slow and a little exaggerated, but step by step he walked closer to the land, the water rippling behind him. I followed and together we made our way through the ocean towards land.

"Why don't we just swim?" I asked wearily.

"I don't know how to swim."

"That sort of takes away from the terrifying S-ranked criminal image."

"I'm terrifying without needing to swim, uhn."

"If you say so."

Deidara decided to ignore this jibe and focused on wading through the water. A minute or so later, the water levels dropped and we sprinted out of the water onto the ocean shore. The white sand squeaked beneath my toes as I dragged my way up the beach and collapsed in the sand for a good nap.

"Don't tell me you're worn out after just that, uhn," said Deidara disappointedly.

With a sigh, I sat up on the sand and surveyed the surroundings. "Where a we?"

"A beach."

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, Deidara, I couldn't figure that out for myself."

"You're the one who asked."

He plopped down onto the ground beside me. "I'm going to have a sandy ass when I get back up again, uhn."

"Charming. I probably have a sandy back right now."

Deidara leaned over so he could get a good look at my back. He patted my back, trying to brush off as much sand as possible. He eventually gave up and turned back to me, saying, "It's hopeless. You're a little sand monster."

"Sand monster?"

"The kind that go grr, uhn."

I grinned, but said nothing. I simply sat there and let the sun's warm rays beat down on my face, drying the salt water on my skin. I licked my lips and recoiled at the taste. The ocean was calm, lapping gentle on the shore. The tide was coming, I think, slowly growing closer.

"What should we do?" I asked.

"I don't know. Go somewhere, uhn."

"Where?"

"A town. I don't want to spend the night under the stars – it's never really been my style."

"I don't have any money."

"Me neither."

"Then we can't afford an inn."

"We'll use my good looks to enchant the innkeeper into letting us stay the night."

I pretended to consider this. "That might work, If the innkeeper's a woman all the better for us, but if it's a guy, he might just mistake you for a pretty girl and that's okay too."

"Shut up, Donkey Girl."

I scowled at the nickname Sai had given me last year. Deidara considered it an accurate nickname and used it as often as he could to annoy me. Of course, Deidara wasn't without his fair share of humiliating nicknames. "So says the Blond Fur Ball."

"You're just jealous of my beautiful blond hair."

"Not really. I like brown. It's a good, sturdy color."

"Boring."

I scuffed a bit of sand with my soaking wet tennis shoe. "Speak for yourself… Anyways, we have a more pressing issue than my dull hair color."

"Yeah, yeah. Where are we?"

"Don't know."

"We've been over this, uhn."

"We sort of… moved… One moment we were on the mountain – falling to our deaths after the giant eagle attacked us – and the next we're in the ocean…"

"Drowning," added Deidara. "From one misfortune to the next, uhn."

"It was shallow. And, thankfully, near land."

"Maybe as we were falling a massive gust of wind came a blew us into the ocean."

I turned to stare at Deidara.

"What?"

I stared harder, willing a hole to appear in the middle of his forehead.

"What?"

Maybe if I stared hard enough, he would grow a brain.

"It could happen."

"You're an idiot."

Deidara snorted and, to keep himself busy, dug his hands into the sand and began to press it together. I watched him for awhile as he scooped, scraped, compressed, and shoveled until an image formed. Walls, turrets, doors, moats… it was probably one of the most elaborate and carefully constructed sandcastles I have ever seen.

"Nice."

Deidara put the finishing touched on his castle and sat back to admire it.

"I expect nothing less from the Akatsuki's resident artist – though I'm amazed you haven't blown it up y–"

"Katsu."

The entire castle erupted in an explosion of fire. Sand sprayed in all directions. Moats, walls, turrets, doors, windows, they all came crashing down until all that remained was a pile of sand. Deidara and I received faces full of sand. And, as I spat out the gritty gains in my mouth, I said dryly, "I spoke too soon."

"Now that is art," said Deidara proudly.

"Only you would think that's art… Most people make sandcastles so they can last a long time."

Deidara grinned. "You sound like my old partner."

"Your old partner?"

"Sasori. He made little wooden puppets and called them art. The idiot thought that art should last forever. He was psycho. Turned himself into a puppet."

"Oh yeah, I heard about Sasori. Didn't his grandma kill him?"

"Yep."

"Tragic."

"Yep."

"SAKURA! SAKURA! You're running too fast!"

We froze. Slowly – almost painfully slow – our heads turned in the direction of the shouts. They were there. A pinkette and a blond. Their faces were so familiar – so vivid in my mind from our last meeting. Haruno Sakura, pink hair, green eyes, and a Konoha kunioichi. Uzumaki Naruto, blond hair, blue eyes, the Nine Tails jinchuriki, and a powerful young shinobi from Konoha. Wow… To think we'd meet them here of all places.

Deidara and I got to my feet. I reached for something at my side, but then realized that I had lost my frying pan during the fall. While Deidara kept a hand near his exploding clay, I stood next to him, feeling rather naked without my weapon of mass destruction.

Sakura and Naruto approached, sprinting across the squeaking sands. It was Sakura who spotted us first. She came to a halt, her eyes wide in shock and surprise. Naruto came to a stop beside her and shared her horror.

"To think we'd see you here, Nine Tails," said Deidara. "I never knew you were the beach type. Foxes always prefer forests."

Naruto stared.

"And Sakura," said Deidara, turning his attention to her. "I see your shrill voice hasn't gotten any better and your forehead hasn't shrunk at all."

Sakura unconsciously raised a hand to touch her forehead. She glanced at Deidara suspiciously.

"What are you talking about?" asked Naruto.

"Don't try and kid me," snapped Deidara. "I'd know who you were anywhere in the Fence, Wargonia, or Earth."

"Wargonia? Earth? The Fence?" asked Naruto, blinking rapidly. "What are you talking about?"

Sakura laid a hand on Naruto's shoulder and said, gently, "I think they need some rest."

"I don't need any shitty rest!" cried Deidara. "Don't you dare pretend like you don't know me, Uzumake Naruto! I only tried to kill you five or six times!"

"Y-y-you tried to kill me?" stammered Naruto. "Why'd you do that? When'd you do that? Why'd you do that? I'm to son of a baker, for Four's sake! What do you want with me!"

"Deidara…" I said slowly.

"What?" snapped Sakura. "You're going to lose it on us too? Be all, it's you! It's you! But wait, you don't know who I am! It's all crap and lies! I've never seen you before in my life, you _foreigner_."

I _really_ wish I had my frying pan right now.

"Sakura," I said dryly. "Your awful personality hasn't changed at all."

"What, bitch!"

"Look who's talking."

Naruto gritted his teeth and raised a fist threateningly. "How dare you talking like that to Sakura! Sakura is a million times to woman you're ever be! Look at that flat chest of yours and prove me wrong!"

"Naruto!" cried Sakura, swinging her fist at his head. Her hand struck him in the jaw and Naruto stumbled backwards a little.

Before Naruto could recover from the violent blow, Deidara stepped forward and grabbed Naruto by the collar, shaking him violently and shouting, "How dare you insult Hannah's chest! Hannah has a perfectly nice chest! Nothing like that ugly bear trap that your bitchy girl has!"

"What!" wailed Sakura, tears welling up in her eyes. "Naruto, make him stop."

"I-I-I w-w-will…" stammered Naruto. "As s-s-soon as he stops sh-shaking m-m-me."

I sighed. "Deidara, stop it."

Deidara, surprisingly enough, listened. He let go of Naruto and, almost immediately, Naruto crumpled to the ground in a pathetic heap while Sakura rushed to help him. Deidara stepped back to my side and said, under his breath, "Are you sure you don't want me to finish him off?'

"Don't."

Naruto had recovered from the shock and Sakura helped him to his feet, allowing him to put one arm around her shoulders. Sakura glared at us and snapped, "You're crazy. I don't think there's anyone that crazy in all of Seanova."

"…What?"

Sakura glared. "What what?'

"Seanova?" I asked. "

"Yeah…" said Sakura slowly, she was look at us like we were dumb. "That's where we are… The country of Seanova…"

I blinked and, slowly, turned to Deidara. "And just when I thought life couldn't get any stranger."

"Those accursed words, uhn."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: My updates are a lot slower for book two, but ';m trying to keep updates pretty consistent. I wrote all this while falling asleep at the computer, so just bear with me here. It's now 5:42 in the morning and now I really should get started on studying for my World Religion test. I need 100 on this... Sighs, I'm too lazy for my own good. Actually, writing a chapter for you isn't really laziness. I;m just a procrastinator. **

**Yeah, sleepy chapter. I should turn on some obnoxious music to keep me awake. Offspring here I come.**

**Read, REVIEW, and enjoy. Otherwise Deidara will go to Florida and blow up every sandcastle that a little kid made. Now, imagine those kiddies' faces when they see the pile of a sand left that once was their castle. Think of their little cutie wootie faces... and then think of the tears welling in their eyes and the wailing screams. Think of that... I remember, this is what happens when you don;t review.**


	13. Welcome to Seanova

**Chapter Thirteen: Welcome to Seanova**

**Dessie**

I awoke with a flash of orange.

Yeah… I thought it was strange too.

Normally when one wakes up it is too the sound of birds chirping, or the screaming of an alarm clock, or Hidan cussing me out because I got blood on his bed again (not my fault – I can't help it that rituals are a messy business and Hidan's sheets are a good way to wipe the blood off).

Anyways, back to the orange issue at hand.

There was a flash of orange and I opened my eyes, gasping for air. There was a light bulb suspended from the ceiling. It swung back and forth, rocking with the flow of the hammock. Wait a second… hammock!

I sat up in bed and looked about wildly. I was lying naked in a blue and yellow hammock that was hanging between two wooden pillars holding up the low ceiling. The floor was damp and kind of dank-smelling – there was none of the familiar smell of blood that accompanied Hidan's and my room.

And then it hit me.

There was someone in the hammock with me. Someone silver haired and muscular and, um, very manly.

What was going on here? I was pretty sure when Hidan and I slept together we were in our room… So why are we in a hammock! A hammock for Jashin's sake!

"Hidan! Hidan!" I hissed, punching him _lightly_ on the shoulder.

Hidan let out a cry of pain and rolled over in the hammock, trying to get away from me. Unfortunately, there is no rolling over in a hammock and the thing flipped over, depositing Hidan and me on the ground in a very painful way.

"You asshole!" I screamed, rubbing my aching legs. "What did you do that for!"

"What…?"

Hidan sat up and blinked. He stared at me. Then at the ground. The hammock. The floor. The ceiling. "What the fuck is going on here?"

"To hell if I know," I snapped. "This is your fault."

"How is this my fault!" asked Hidan angrily. "What did I do!"

"This is because I slept with you. Something was messing with my head – the end is coming! Me sleeping with you means the apocalypse is coming! And you're responsible, you Zombie Whore!"

"You logic sucks," snapped Hidan, getting to his feet. The sheets fell away and I turned around to avoid looking at him.

"Put some clothes on."

"Why? You've seen it all, bitch."

"Don't want to see it again."

He grinned confidently and leaned against the support beam. "Don't lie. You fucking loved it."

"I was drunk."

"Lies."

"Kakuzu bribed me."

"Why?"

"Kisame was being annoying as hell so I decided to sleep with you to shut him up."

Hidan scowled. "Stop lying, bitch."

"That one was actually the truth."

"Really? Damn. Well, you enjoyed it anyways. It was an extra bonus."

I got to my feet and began searching the room for my clothes. The only thing I could find was some weird looking outfit that reminded me painfully of some costume a girl would wear on Halloween to look like a horny pirate (I know this from experience). In the end, I put on the clothes and turned to face Hidan. He hadn't found much better than me and was dressed in pirate-ish looking pants and his scythe strapped to his back.

"You could wear a shirt," I suggested.

"Why?"

"My eyes. They burn."

"You suck at lying."

"Shut up."

I glanced around. "Where do we go?"

"Duh," said Hidan, pointing to a ladder leading up towards the ceiling. "Did my amazing body leave you blind after last night? No one will blame you." He gestured to his torso and smirked. "This is fucking _hot_."

"Zombie Whore. You'll regret this. I'll rip out your intestines and feed them to Zetsu. And then Deidara can do whatever the hell he likes with the rest of you."

I walked over to the ladder and started climbing. It ended at the ceiling, but, after a moment's inspection, I realized it led to a trapdoor and I quickly opened it. On the other side, there was sunlight. Blind, bright sunlight. I squinted and sat on the floor, staring about wildly as my eyes adjusted...

"Oh Jashin…" I said slowly. "What the hell… is going on here…?"

We were on a ship.

No joke.

We were on a real-as-shit pirate ship with the skull-and-cross-bones flag and white sails flapping in the wind. The boat rocked back and forth on the sea waves and the smell of salt filled the air. We really were… we really were on a ship. Sailing… and sailing…

"What the fuck?"

I glanced over my shoulder at Hidan who had crawled out of the trapdoor behind me. We both knelt of the deck, staring about us in wonder.

"I think…" I said slowly. "Something happened with the orange light…"

Footsteps came from behind us and we turned around to see Konan, dressed in a similar whorish pirate outfit to me, standing there. Her hands wereo n her hips and she looked grim. "You saw it too?"

"The orange?"

"Yes."

I nodded. "It woke me up from my beauty sleep."

A smile flickered across Konan's face. "I was talking to Leader – as normal as always – and then there was a flash of orange and we were standing there… dressed like pirates."

"Crazy…" I said.

"Where the hell are we?" asked Hidan getting to his feet. "Where the fucking hell are we!"

"On the sea, idiot," said Konan.

"That doesn't say anything."

"Other than that we have no clue."

"Then where are we sailing to?" I asked, standing up.

"Well…" said Konan slowly. "We don't really know since none of us can sai la ship…"

"Oh Jashin," I said.

"Are you all idiots!" asked Hidan. "You mean we're stuck some fucking ocean in the middle of Jashin-knows-were drifting around like fucking brainless jellyfish!"

"Jellyfish?" I asked.

"You got a problem with jellyfish?"

"No… But, really, jellyfish is the best you could come up with?" I smirked and shook my head in disappointment.

"What's wrong with using jellyfish…? They float… and they're as creepy as shit!"

I laughed. "Am I sensing a little fear here?"

"Fear!" said Hidan, his face turning a little red. "Who the hell is afraid of fucking jellyfish! They're just squishy – that's it! They're all creepy and squishy and stingy! Who's afraid of squishy!"

"Aw," I said. "It's so cute – Hidan's afraid of a little jellyfish!"

"Shut up, whore!"

"You two are so cute together," said Konan cheerfully.

We froze – Hidan and I – in mid argument. Slowly, we turned to stare at Konan, our eyes wide in identical horror. Or, at least, I thought it was identical. While I screamed, "Are you crazy!", Hidan grinned and said, "Yeah, my girlfriend's as hot as hell."

I stopped and turned to glare at Hidan. "What did you just say?"

"My girlfriend is as hot as hell."

I punched him in the jaw.

He stumbled backwards, clutching his jaw and glaring at me. When he recovered, he turned to me and cried, "It was a compliment, bitch!"

"Who the hell would want to be your girlfriend?"

"Apparently you would after last night."

I scowled. "It was a one time thing."

Hidan's frown switched to a cocky grin. He took two steps to cover the distance between us and placed his hands on my wrists. I tried to move, but he kept my hands pinned to my sides. "It was more than one time, baby."

"Don't forget, _baby_," I said coldly. "I know your weak spot."

[We'll have a pause in the story here to spare you some descriptions of extreme violence. All you need to know is that in the end Hidan was curled up into a ball on the deck of the ship while Konan and I walked away to find Leader.]

We found Leader at the helm. Apparently he was trying to figure out how best to look like a captain of a ship. With a massive hat on his head with feathers on the side, he kept one hand on wheel and the other in his coat pocket. When Konan approached he turned to her and said, "How do I look? Intimidating? Scary?" he caught sight of me and froze. "I mean… I just comes so naturally to me…"

"Too late, Leader," I said. "The damage is done."

Leader let go of the wheel and turned to me. "If you tell anyone – and I mean anyone – about this, I will cut you from naval to shin and let your guts spill out onto the deck of my ship. And I trust me – I have a sword now." He pulled a sword out of the scabbard at his side and waved it in front of my face.

"Right," I said. Then I turned around and caught sight of a silver head. "Hey! Hidan! Leader's practicing how to look intimidating!"

"Ha!" called back Hidan. "I knew it! His scary face is just a lie!"

Leader grabbed me roughly by the shoulder. "I'm going to kill you–"

Thankfully, my brutal murder was interrupted by a flash of light and the appearance of a very angry blue gnome.

Squisher stood a top of the steering wheel, his little bearded face crumpled into a pissed-off-as-hell expression. He paced up and down the steering wheel of a minute, muttering angry curses and insults under his breath.

"What's going on here?" asked Kisame, rushing to the helm with Hidan at his heels. Zetsu and Kakuzu appeared soon after.

"What's going on here!" cried Squisher, pointing a wild finger at all of us. "What's going on here! Shall I tell you! Shall I tell you!"

"Er… yeah…" said Kisame slowly. "Because we sure don't know."

"Don't know! Don't know!"

"I think he's lost it," said Zetsu thoughtfully. "Can we eat him?"

"Shut up, Plant," snapped Squisher. "I don't have time for you. What is _wrong_ with you people! Do you know what you've _done_!"

"Obviously not," said Leader dryly. "Not would you hurry up and explain it before we decide things would be much simpler if we just killed you."

"Can we?" asked Hidan hopefully.

"No you can't!" snapped Squisher. "I'm here because you stupid criminals have disrupted the balance of universes!"

…

…

…

"Say wha?"

Squisher facepalmed himself before rounding on Leader. "When you sent your little posy to Four's mountain – one of them – that bitch – touched the orange orb and sent you all to an alternate universe!"

"Orange orb?" I asked.

"Alternate universe?" asked Leader.

"Was it Kate?" asked Kisame.

"I don't know who the bitch was!" snapped Squisher. "All I know is that she and the masked idiot were fighting zombies and she jumped into the orange orb, which sent you all to the alternate universe of Seanova."

"Sea-what?"

"Seanova. It's a world that is mostly covered in water and is filled with islands."

"Well," said Leader. "Different worlds are nothing we haven't handled before – though I thought it was the blue orb that transferred us to different worlds."

"The blue orbs _do_ transfer you to different worlds," said Squisher impatiently. "The orange orb transfers you to a different reality. Where you are right now is an alternate reality of the world you come from."

"The Fence… but not the Fence…" said Kisame slowly.

"The what?"

"It's what we call our home world," said Konan helpfully. "What's an alternate reality…?"

"It means that all the people that lived in your world are in this one with the same names and the same appearances – but with completely different lives."

"Everyone…?" asked Leader slowly.

"Everyone – even you!" snapped Squisher. "Every one of you has an alternate self who lives in this reality and if you meet them it could complete destroy this reality!"

"Cool!" cried Kisame excitedly. "You mean there's another blue me!"

"Not cool!" screamed Squished, stomping his little foot on the helm. "You could potentially destroy this entire universe!"

"So?" I asked.

"So what?"

"So why do we care?" I said. "People die. As long as they're not us, I don't really care."

Hidan grinned and punched me on the shoulder. "That's my girl."

"I'm not your fucking girl," I said.

"Oh? You two are _finally_ together?" said Kisame happily. "The Love Guru is one-hundred-percent successful."

"You fail at everything you do," said Kakuzu.

Zetsu blinked. "Hidan and Dessie are together?"

"As of last night," said Konan cheerfully.

"They were doing it like little bunnies all night," said Kisame happily.

"Bunnies?"

"Do any of you care what I have to say at all!" screamed Squisher. "I'm talking about the destruction of a universe and all you can talk about is a new couple! They got together for one night – it will never last! They're doomed to fall apart! Probably ina day or two! They both psychopaths! What kind of relationship can be built of fucking craziness!"

_Snap_.

Well, there wasn't a literally snap – but there was the snapping nose of Konan as she finally lost all composure and grabbed Squisher by the throat. She held him in the air, throttling him while she said, in a low, deadly tone, "Don't you dare say their relationship won't last. They were made for one another. No one, not even you, can ruin their relationship."

"Um…" I said slowly. "I hate to break it to you, but we're not in a relationship – we just slept together."

"Shut up, Dessie!" screamed Konan, dropping Squisher so that he landed on the floor with a dull thud. "If I say you two are in a relationship, then you two are in a relationship. Otherwise I will _punish_ you."

"Er… right… We're totally dating," I said, grabbing hold of Hidan's hand so that Konan could see. "We're really in love."

"What happened to a _one time thing_?" whispered Hidan.

"She's scaring me," I hissed back.

He snickered. "Anything for you, baby."

"Love you the most, honey," I said with a sickly smile.

Konan beamed and clapped her hands with satisfaction. "You two are so cute together!"

"You all are crazy," said Squisher.

We all glanced down where Squisher sat on the deck, rubbing his head and glaring at Konan.

"Just tell us how to get back home," said Leader.

"I don't know," snapped Squisher. "And even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you."

"Oh," said Leader. "Well in that case…" Leader drew back his foot and, before Squisher even knew what was happening, Leader kicked him. Squisher flew through the air – a little blue ball with a beard – and landed with a splash in the ocean.

"Ten points for style," said Kisame cheerfully.

"He was useless," I said.

"We could have eaten him…" said Zetsu sadly.

"Maybe he knew how to sail a ship, though," said Kakuzu.

"Oh yeah…" said Leader. "We probably should have asked first. Er – Kisame, do you know how to sail a ship?"

"Why on the Fence would I know how to sail a ship?" asked Kisame. Then, slowly, it dawned on him. "Oh. So that's what this is about. It's cause I'm a shark, isn't it. Oh look at that Kisame – he's a shark, so obviously he knows how to sail. It's a sea thing! Well, guess what – I'm as ship-clueless as the rest of you – _and don't you forget it_."

"Fine," said Leader. "Then jump off the boat."

"What?"

"Well, none of us know how to sail a ship, and we're stuck in the middle of nowhere. If we don't find land soon we're all going to starve to death."

"Hey!" said Hidan and I indignantly.

"Well, most of us are going to starve to death," said Leader. "And since you're a shark you can swim well. Go jump in the water and push the ship."

"What!" cried Kisame. "This is prejudiced! There's no way I'm pushing this ship all on my own! We'd never get anywhere!"

"Good point," said Leader thoughtfully. "Hidan! Dessie! Help Kisame!"

"Hell no!" I screamed.

"Over my dead body!" cried Hidan.

"I figure that since you two can't die we don't have to worry about you drowning," said Leader with a shrug. "Now get to work."

"No!"

"Or I'll kill you all."

We glared at Leader. He ignored us and placed on hand on the wheel, trying to put on his intimidating face. "How do I look, Konan?"

"I've quivering in my boots," promised Konan.

"Konan," said Leader. "Why are they still here? Do I have to kill them?"

"Yes."

"Fine!" I shouted, turning around. "We're going! We're going!"

"This is fucking crazy!" shouted Hidan.

"This is prejudice against sharks!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ahahahahaha i had a lot of fun writing this chapter, so I hope you had as much fun reading it. I had to watch a couple of "Hidan's Moments" videos on youtube to make sure I had his character right - it's been so long since I've really written him. I hope I did okay. Konan was a bit OOC in this chapter, but, in all honesty, she doesn't have much of a character in the manga so I feel I can have some freedom with her character. I always imagined her to be passionate about relationships, so she's gets really pissed when Squisher says Dessie-Hidan won't last.**

**I HAVE A POLL ON MY PROFILE PAGE ABOUT THIS STORY. PLEASE ANSWER IT. IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO ME. THANKS!**

**Now, please review or Leader will push you off the back of the boat and make you push the ship all the way to port. Have fun! XP**


	14. Seeing Double

**Chapter Fourteen: Seeing Double**

**Kate**

"Mmm… Cookies… I want cookies… Kisame, will you bake me cookies? …No? Why won't you bake me cookies! That's it I'm breaking up with you! … Don't cry… I love you… But I won't eat fish cookies… They're gross… Chocolate chip… Chocolate chip!"

I bolted upright. "Where's my chocolate chip cookies?"

Red eyes stared back at me. Silent, unwavering, and completely unemotional. I hadn't seen those red eyes in a while, but they were unmistakable. Slowly, I broke eye contact with him and gazed about the room. It wasn't my room. Or anyone else's room. It was too clean, too nice. I was sitting in a bed with straight, white sheets and a fluffy pillow. On the bed next to mine lay Tobi; he was curled up on his side and, with mask still on, he was muttering something about ponies and rainbows (better not to ask).

"Itachi…" I said slowly. "Where are we?"

"Seanova in the town of Ahonok."

"Bless you."

"That wasn't a sneeze."

"You sure?"

Itachi said nothing. He didn't feel obliged to explain anything for me.

I sighed and shifted uncomfortably. The sheets rustled and the bed squeaked as I slid off the bed and walked across the room. I was wearing the oddest outfit: a long white dress with black-leather sandals strapped to my feet. I glanced over at Itachi and asked, "Who changed my clothes?"

"No one," said Itachi. "I found you in that outfit."

"Found me?"

"You and Tobi were unconscious in some alleyway."

"Oh." I swallowed, extremely glad that it had been Itachi who found me and not someone else. The conversation fell into awkward silence and I shuffled about the room. "Is there, um, a bathroom?"

"Down the hall."

I hurried out the room and found myself standing in a long hallway. There were several doors down the hall, each one with a different number on them. At the very end of the hall was a door marked with the word "toilets" on it. I opened it and slipped inside. When I was doing with my personal business, I headed back to the room, wondering if Tobi had woken up yet. I had gotten a whole two feet down the hall when – surprise! – guess who walks buy!

"Tsunade!" I cried.

She paused and stared at me. She was dressed in a similar fashion to me, except her dress was a blue-gray color. I smiled at her and waved awkwardly, "Hi, long time no see. How's Konoha?"

She stared.

"Um…" I said awkwardly. "What's up?"

"Do I know you?" she asked.

"Well, yeah… During the war against Wargonia… I healed people with you… The tents… Don't you remember me?"

Tsunade stared. "Are you feeling alright, Miss? Do you want to go lie down?"

"No… I'm fine…"

"The handsome young man brought you in, didn't he… You and that lollipop…" She took me firmly by the arm (she was as strong as always) and practically dragged me down the hall back to my room. She threw open the door and hurried in, shoving me back onto the bed. "Lie _down_, Miss."

"Ouch!"

Itachi came to stand by Tsunade. "Hn?"

"She needs rest," announced Tsunade loudly, and then, in a quieter voice, she said to Itachi, "She's absolutely insane."

"She's been through a lot," said Itachi. "She'll be alright in a little bit."

"Hmmm…" said Tsunade, glancing at me suspiciously. "Whatever you say." She turned around and marched back out into the hallway.

When she was gone, Itachi turned to me and said, "That is not the Tsunade you know."

"Huh?"

"We're in some sort of alternate reality called Seanova."

"Huh?"

"The Tsunade you just saw is an alternate version of the Tsunade we know. She's the owner of this inn."

"Huh?"

"Tsunade in a different life."

"Huh?"

"Hn."

"Huh?"

"Hn."

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

I screamed and leapt from the bed.

"Relax," said Itachi, sounding almost bored. "Tobi is awake."

Sure enough, Tobi was sitting upright in his bed. He was looking about wildly, and, finally, his eyes came to rest on Itachi and me. "Where is Tobi? Is Tobi okay? Where did Itachi come from? Don't tell Tobi that he is in another world again because Kate jumped into the orange orb!"

Itachi glanced at me suspiciously. "Hn."

"I didn't mean to!" I cried.

"Hn."

Tobi screamed. "Tobi was right! Tobi guessed right! Kate has doomed us all!"

"It was an accident!" I wailed, cowering behind Itachi. "Kate – I mean I – didn't mean to!"

"Hn."

"Where was Itachi?" asked Tobi suddenly. "On the mountain?"

Itachi shrugged. "I walked around waiting for some trial to show up. Nothing did."

"That's all you did?" I asked. "Walk around?"

"Yes."

"But we encountered tons of trials," I said. "Attacked by spiders – Hannah's terrified of spiders – and chased by rolling boulders and almost squished by moving walls and almost shot by arrows and almost eaten by zombies – it was terrifying."

"Hn."

"Itachi isn't afraid of anything," said Tobi cheerfully. "So no trials for him."

"EH!"

Itachi yawned. "Hn."

"Why is this so unfair?" I groaned. "I should have stayed with Itachi."

"Tobi is a good boy."

"Not that you're not great, Tobi!" I cried. "But, um, you're sort of scary when you turn into Madara…"

"Tobi isn't scary! Tobi is a huggable as a teddy bear!"

I glanced at Itachi for help, but he was busy rummaging in a bag by the wall. He pulled out a jacket and shrugged it on, making his way towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

Itachi paused and glanced over his shoulder. "Going to see if I can find news of the others."

"Do you think they came to Seanova as well?" I asked eagerly.

"Hannah and Deidara, maybe."

"Can I come with you?" I asked, hurrying after Itachi.

He look as though he strongly wanted to say no, but after a moment he gave up and 'hn'ed me a yes. I grinned and followed him out of the building. We left Tobi behind, which he seemed totally fine with, saying something about how we should leave him with his ponies (once again, better not to ask).

Ahonok was like no town I had ever seen before. It looked like a place right out of Seanova. The town was right on the edge of a bay. It was lined with docks where ships came in and out bringing merchandise from other islands. The ports were filled with the smell of fish and salt, and they were always bustling with people. The clothes I wore were of the same style as the other girls: a simple corset with a flowing skirt that fell just past the knees. Of course, I seemed to be the only person who was wearing white.

"Where are we going?"

Itachi shrugged.

"I'm hungry."

"Hn."

The thought occurred to me that we didn't have any money; however, that didn't seem to bother Itachi. He led me straight to a bar (there is something magnet about bars that make it so the Akatsuki cannot stay away). We got a table and sat down with an order of food on the way.

"You're not getting sake?" I asked, semi-disappointed.

"I don't drink."

"Oh… right…" I'd forgotten that fact.

We sat there in awkward silence. I scanned the room and, to my surprise, the bar was rather empty. There were a few old men sitting around, but for the most part it was deserted. Perhaps because it was the middle of the day and everyone was working, but I had never been in a near empty bar before. Usually I go with the whole Akatsuki and, well, we're enough to fill a whole bar.

"You know," I said abruptly. "Ahonok is Konoha spelled backwards."

Itachi stared.

"I mean, that's weird. For an alternate reality… right?"

"Hn."

I sighed. Why was Itachi so hard to make conversation with! My food arrived and I busied myself with eating, hoping it would fill the void of silence that stretched between us. My plan didn't work and instead, when I glanced up, I saw Itachi staring at me in disgust as I chomped rather enthusiastically on the fish fingers. Oops.

"They're really good," I lied. Personally I had never had more plain fish figners in my life.

"Hn."

"Do you ever say something besides 'hn'?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

I swallowed. "Not funny."

"Hn."

I scowled and folded my arms, glaring at him across the table. I tried to make my glare as icy as Hannah's, but that didn't work – I think I wound up looking like a flobbering fish. So I changed to try looking maniacally angry like Dessie – fail number two. Have you ever imagined a cross between a pissed off bear and a strangled puppy dog? Yeah, that was what my face looked like…

"This is sort of pathetic," said Itachi decidedly.

"Thanks…"

"Have you finished eating yet?"

I glanced down at the plate of limp looking fish fingers and sighed. "Yeah… I don't think I can eat another bite of fish…"

"How do you manage to date Kisame?"

"Huh?"

"Hn."

Itachi got to his feet and began walking towards the door. I hurried after him, afraid that if I took too long he would just leave me.

"No really, Itachi," I said. "What were you talking about?"

"Hn."

"Itachi!" I cried. "Tell!"

"Hn.

"Itachi!"

He opened the door to the bar and stepped outside into the salty air. We closed to door behind us and made our way down the street…

"Hey! Hey you! You two there!"

I stopped and turned to look over my shoulder – could that person be shouting at us?

I didn't get to look for long, because Itachi grabbed me firmly by the shoulder and steered me away from the voice. I glanced sidelong at him, but he wasn't looking at me. His face was fixed firmly ahead and he walked at a brisk pace – so fast that I was almost stumbling over my feet to keep up with him.

"Stop them! Stop them! Thieves!"

"Itachi!" I cried, the truth suddenly dawning on me. "We didn't pay."

"Run!" he said.

And that's what we did. Completely confused I sprinted down the street after him, my feet pounding on the sidewalk as we ran. The crowds parted around us, most of them shooting us confused expressions. We ignored them and kept on going. Run, run, run, run, run – down the street, down the road, keep on running – don't get caught. The whole point of being a criminal is you don't get caught…

SLAM!

I ran head first into someone. I staggered backwards, rubbing my forehead and groaning. I blinked a couple of times and, when my vision returned, I glanced up to glare at Itachi.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "Run."

"What?" said Itachi, clearly confused.

I glanced over my shoulder at the crowds of people. None of them were looking us. "Have they stopped?"

"Have who stopped?"

"Are you _insane_?"

"I beg your pardon?"

I surveyed him carefully – from his feet to his black eyes… Black eyes? Why does Itachi have black eyes? That's strange. "What happened to you?"

"What happened to me? I don't even know who you are!"

"You're crazy," I said decidedly.

"I'm crazy! You're the one running around saying that they're chasing us! Who's chasing us! I don't know! I'm just here to buy some rice, okay!"

"Rice?"

"Yes. The little white stuff that looks like larva except it doesn't move."

"… Rice?"

"Yeah… Rice."

"Kate. What are you doing?"

I stopped. My heart froze. I swear it was froze into a little iceberg in my chest. Slowly, very, very slowly, I turned around to see Itachi standing behind me. Stop. Turn. Itachi standing in front of me. Stop. Turn. Itachi standing behind me. Stop. Turn. Itachi standing in front of me. Stop. Turn. Itachi standing behind me. Hold the phone! Why are there two Itachi's!

"I-I-I-I-I-Itachi…"

"How do you know my name?"

"Hn."

And then, I fainted.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, so I put on my profile which asks who Kate should end up with. I put all the male Akatsuki members, because, well, some people might like some obscure pairing. What I did not expect was for someone to like Kate and Hidan together. Okay... I guess some people might like that... I'm trying to remember if they ever even had a conversation... Nothing is coming to mind... If you haven't answered the poll, please do! I'm planning on having some Kate and Madara scenes in the future, but I still like Kate/Kisame as a pairing. Whatever.**

**Review! Review! Review! Or Itachi will buy fish fingers from you and refuse to pay! Review!**


	15. The Dead Rise

**_This chapter is dedicated to WhiteTiger BlackWolf. I know she's had some difficult times, so I hope this can cheer her up a little. Enjoy the update!_**

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen: The Dead Rise<strong>

**Hannah**

"What do you think?" asked Naruto, grinning proudly. "Isn't Ahonok a beautiful town?"

"Stunning," I said dryly.

The whole place smelled of salt and fish. I hate the stench of fish. They smell dead and icky and gross. To make matters worse, everything here was damp. The sea mist drenched the land and soaked us to the bone. It was cold and wet and miserable – what in the Fence was _good_ about this town?

"I'm hungry," complained Deidara loudly.

Sakura giggled and glanced at him sidelong. I almost groaned aloud in exasperation. Apparently, after a whole twenty minutes in this world, Deidara had gained another fan girl. Did the list ever end?

"We can go to my home," said Naruto.

"Why so good about your home, uhn?" asked Deidara irritably.

"It's a bakery. We kind of make a living off of food," said Naruto with a shrug. "I'm sure Mom and Dad will have no issues with me giving you some food…"

"Mom and Dad?" I asked. "I thought you were an orphan."

Naruto glanced at me, rather confused. "No. My parents are alive. They've always been alive. Minato and Kushina – they're great people. You'd like them, I'm sure."

"They're dead," said Deidara decidedly. "The Nine Tails killed them."

"Nine Tails?" asked Naruto. "Isn't that a bit excessive? Most animals live just fine with one."

"It's a mythical demon fox," I explained.

"Oh. And it killed my parents?" Naruto seemed almost amused by this concept.

"In our world," I said. "It killed your parents. Or, more accurately, you father sacrificed himself to save the village and sealed the Nine Tails inside of you. Which made everyone hate you and you were doomed to a miserable life, but you're too optimistic and love anyone anyways."

"Eh?"

"Yeah."

"That sounds stupid," said Sakura. "So, is there another me in your world?"

"Yep."

"And… what's she like?"

I considered for a moment. "She's a lot like you – stalkerish and as annoying as hell."

"You shouldn't be mean to Sakura!" cried Naruto (apparently he was in love with her in this reality too – oh the amusement).

"We're mean to her in our world too, uhn," said Deidara.

"That's awful," said Naruto. "We're you bullies in your world?"

I almost laughed aloud. Deidara and exchanged amused glances before we turned back to Naruto and I said, "Something like that…"

"Let's get food, uhn," said Deidara. "I'm starving."

"Follow me," said Naruto. He led the way through the street and the rest of us followed. Sakura tried to strike up conversation with Deidara, but Deidara seemed more confused than anything else by Sakura's undivided attention in him. Eventually, Sakura gave up and hurried to catch up with Naruto.

"This is weird," said Deidara. "I still think we should kill the girl and kidnap the Nine Tails."

"How many times do I have to explain this to you," I said. "Naruto doesn't have the Nine Tails inside of him in this world."

"Well," said Deidara thoughtfully. "Maybe we could kidnap Naruto in this world and replace the Naruto in the Fence with this Naruto – no one would suspect a thing, uhn."

"Oh... That's not a bad idea," I said, a villainous grin spreading across my face.

"Who would have thought," said Deidara slowly.

'Thought what?"

"That there could be _two_ Sakura's who are this annoying."

I snickered. "I think it's funny that in another world Sakura has a crush on you – it's kind of cute. Maybe the Sakura in the Fence secretly finds you hot too."

"I think I'm going to have nightmares, uhn," said Deidara.

"It's all in a day's work."

Up ahead Sakura and Naruto had come to a stop outside of a building that was suspiciously marked with the word 'police'. I glanced at Deidara and he shot me a similarly confused expression.

"Maybe they've figured out that we're criminals…" I whispered.

"How?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe…" said Deidara slowly.

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe this is all a clever ruse by the people of Konoha. They pretend to be in an alternate reality to trick us and then they'll pretend to have crushes on us and be our friends – but when we're not looking they'll stab us in the back and steal our art. Ahonok is Konoha spelled backwards – in which case these Konoha people are stupider than I thought."

"I think Ahonok is Konoha spelled backwards because the author was too lazy to come up with a decent name."

"Or that."

Deidara sighed and, as we drew closer to the police station, he added in an undertone, "Go along with it. Worse comes to worse and I'll blow them all to hell."

"Deal."

Naruto and Sakura smiled as we reached them and Naruto said, "Sorry, but Sakura wants to make a stop at the police station before we go to the bakery."

"Why the police station?" I asked, pretending to be nonchalant (I think I succeeded).

"My dad is the chief of police," said Sakura.

"And does he have pink hair too, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Sakura giggled as if he couldn't have said anything funnier. "Don't be silly. His hair's brown."

"I think she dyes her hair," I said decidedly.

"Probably, uhn."

"I do not!" wailed Sakura. "This is one-hundred-percent natural!"

"Definitely dyed."

"Yep."

Laughing a little, Naruto led the way into the police station. It was pretty standard looking on the inside with a few chairs lined against the wall and a front desk with a stiff-faced secretary flipping through files. Police officers were walking about, talking amongst them selves and occasionally shooting a side comment at the secretary.

Sakura bounced cheerfully up to the front desk and cried, "Hey, Kurenai! What's up? How's Asuma?"

"Asuma?" I asked slowly.

"Yeah?" said Kurenai, glancing over me. Her expression was rigid and, as I met her red eyes, the phrase if looks could kill came to mind.

"Er… Is Asuma your husband?"

"Yes."

"In this world too," I muttered to Deidara. "Didn't Hidan kill Asuma in the Fence."

Deidara nodded. "Let's not tell her that…"

"No."

Sakura was engaged in a conversation with Kurenai (I don't understand how anyone could enjoy the company of a woman with a pen so far up her –

"Sakura!"

"Daddy!"

Oh my Jashin – Warg – God. I think I've just met Sakura's father in this world…

He was big, grim and scary. All at once I could completely understand why Sakura was so comfortable with the strict Kurenai, because her father was Ibiki. I think enough has been said. He had the same scar on his face, even in this world, except it was on the opposite side of his face. Like everyone else in this town, Ibiki wore pirate attire, but on his head was a blue scarf, which marked him as a member of the police force. Oh my… hell. Ibiki… fathered… Sakura… Wow… This is one for the record books.

"Hannah… Uhn… Are you as disturbed by this as I am?"

"Yes."

"My eyes… They burn…"

"Who would have thought Ibiki was capable of affection?"

"I always thought he was dead on the inside."

"Alternate worlds are scary things…"

"Yeah…"

Sakura broke of the hug with her father and stepped back to survey him carefully, an eager smile spread all across her face. "How has your day been?"

"You know," he said, ruffling her pink hair affectionately. "Good and bad. It's life."

"I'm sorry," said Sakura. "Naruto and I were at the beach and you'll never guess who we ran into!" She pointed at us over her shoulder and Ibiki followed her gaze, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as they fell on us.

"And who is this?" he asked.

"Hi," I said awkwardly. "I'm Hannah."

"Ibiki. And who are you?" he asked, staring at Deidara.

Deidara just sort of shrugged. "Person."

"That's an awful name."

"Well, um, yeah – it is. Because it's not my name…"

"You lied to me?"

"No… I just odn;t want… Urg – my name's Deidara, uhn."

Ibiki smiled (a twisted expression which you are better off not knowing about) and said, "There, now that's better. Where are you from?"

"They're from an entirely different world!" cried Sakura excitedly. "A world where's there's a whole different me!"

"Though the personality hasn't changed all too much," I said helpfully.

"Is my dad in that world too?" asked Sakura.

"Er…" I hesitated. "Yeah… But he's not your dad in our world…"

"What! Blasphemy!" cried Ibiki. "You liars!"

"Hey!" Deidara said indignantly. "You're the one who asked. It's true. In our world you're a scary as shit man who is in charge of torture for Konoha." He stopped and snickered. "Though Hannah's threats are scary enough to shut you up."

I resisted the urge to facepalm myself. Way to get us killed Deidara…

Thankfully, before Ibiki could decide how best to dismember us, he was interrupted by the arrival of two fellow police officers (people I didn't recognize). Between them, they held a red-haired boy with almost feminine features. The boy was glaring about the police station, looking angry enough to murder everyone on sight (believe me, I know when people are serious about mass murder).

"He look a little crazy…" I muttered to Deidara.

No response.

"Hey, Deidara," I said, turning to him irritably.

But Deidara wasn't looking at me – or anyone. His blue eyes were wide in shock and staring, unwaveringly, at the red-haired boy. I glanced at Deidara and then at the boy. What was this? Love at first sight?

"Hey, Fur Ball," I said, waving a hand in front of Deidara's face. "Snap out of it."

He blinked. "He's dead…"

"Who's dead?" I glanced at the red-haired boy. "He looks very much alive to me."

"Sakura killed him."

"Oh…"

And it hit me. I'd heard the story before from Kisame. He was telling us about past Akatsuki members. The dozen or so that Kakuzu had killed, Orochimaru who quit, and… and…

I stared.

"Sasori?"

The red-head raised his eyes to meet mine. "Shut up, bitch."

I snorted. "He certainly sounds like one of the Akatsuki."

Ibiki turned to stare at me. "One of the what? Do you know this guy?"

"No."

Deidara shrugged. "I knew him in our world… Him and his puppets…"

One of the guards snapped. And I meant literally snapped. Its eyes started to glow and its body twitched about wildly – almost like it was having a seizure. Then, out of where its hand should be, a knife – dripping in poison – emerged and slit open the other guard's throat. The other guard choked, gagging and gasping for air, and then, a moment later, he collapsed to the ground. Dead.

…

"He hasn't changed at all," said Deidara happily. "He still likes playing with dolls."

"Puppets," corrected Sasori. "Don't call my art _dolls_."

"You call that art?" scoffed Deidara. "Art is a fleeting thing. One moment it's there and the next – BANG – it's gone. Beautiful and brief."

"Art is eternal, you moron," snarled Sasori. "What is the use of something if it dies so quickly. My puppets will never disappear. They will last for ever and ever… immortal."

"Boom! Boom! Bang!" cried Deidara (he was grinning despite the heated argument). "Explosions are art!"

"Puppets are art. Explosions are tasteless noises and useless fires."

"Art is a BANG!"

Ibiki, Naruto, and Sakura stared, They somewhat resembled guppies, cluelessly gawping at Deidara and Sasori. I sighed, by now I was used to the Akatsuki bickering, though, to be fair, I had never witness one of Deidara and Sasori's epic art debates before.

"He killed him…" gasped Ibiki. "He killed him…"

I glanced at the fallen body of the police officer and shrugged. "So it goes."

"Things don't go like that!"

"They do in my world." I turned to Deidara, who was still arguing heatedly with Sasori. "We need to go."

"Can we take him with us?" asked Deidara, pointing at Sasori excitedly.

"No, you can't!" shouted Ibiki. "He's a criminally! He's a murderer! You think we'll just let him loose on the streets to kill like some sort of animal!"

"Well," said Deidara slowly. "Yeah. You let us walk about free."

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><p><strong>AN: Exam week. I have a French exam tomorrow so I'm not studying that hard. Yay! Sasori has come back from the grave... well sort of. In this reality he was never dead.**


	16. Cheap Rip Offs

**Chapter Sixteen: Cheap Rips Offs**

**Dessie**

"I'm dead."

"Not as dead as I am."

"I'm deader."

"I'm deadest."

Across the ship's deck came the echoing sound of boot falls. I probably would have opened my eyes to see who it was, but pure exhaustion took over every ounce of my being and I just sort of lay there, like a drowned fish.

"Why are you three not working?"

I sighed. "We're all dead, Leader."

"You're talking, aren't you? If you can talk, you can work. Get your asses moving."

There came a groan from beside me, and Hidan rolled over to lie on his stomach. "Okay, that's as much movement as you're getting out of me."

"Even my gills hurt," groaned Kisame.

"Pathetic," declared Leader. "All of you are pathetic. We're almost to port too."

"Then dock this shitty ship for yourself," said Kisame. "Surely a great captain like yourself can sail his own ship."

"Shut up."

I let out a low moan. My back hurt like hell. "Just tell Kakuzu that he can make a lot of money by being a ship merchant – that'll get him moving."

"Just because money is involved, doesn't mean Kakuzu will automatically learn how to sail a ship," snapped Leader. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Kakuzu!" shouted Hidan.

"What, Zombie?"

"According to Dessie you can make big bucks in the merchant business! Sailing a ship around to sell merchandise and all that shit!"

There was a pause. And then, Kakuzu shouted back, "Why didn't you say so in the first place!"

I kept my eyes closed and waited. I imagined myself somewhere far, far away. On the beach of some tropical island… with an ice cold martini in one hand… and surrounded by hot guys… and one of them giving me a back rub… ohhh how much I need a back rub… those strong masculine hands… it would feel so nice on my aching back… Mmm…

"How does Kakuzu suddenly know how to sail a ship?"

"Hi, Konan," said Kisame sleepily. "Dessie is magical… If only she could have worked her magic sooner…"

"I achy…" groaned Hidan.

"Leader, I'm going to sue you for back problems in later life."

"I wouldn't try," said Konan. "You'd be amazed how many court cases Leader has won. Everyone tries to sue us. It's all our fault because we're dangerous S-ranked criminals. Leader always wins."

"Oh goodie…" I murmured.

"You're all useless," said Leader.

"And whose fault is that?" asked Kisame.

"Yours. Train harder."

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><p>And that was how we arrived in Elberi, a little portside town in on the island of Erif. Hidan, Kisame, and I remained lying on the deck, as useless as – in Hidan's word – jellyfish. Kakuzu steering the ships and ordered the others around. Others meant Zetsu because Leader and Konan were too proud to work and everyone else was too exhausted to move.<p>

Finally, I was kicked awake by a very irritated Leader.

"Get up, Useless."

"What?"

"We have arrived."

"Arrived where?"

"I don't really know – that's why you have to get up."

"Huh?"

Leader sighed and then kicked me again in the side – this time harder. "Get up. Get ready. You're going ashore to find out where we are and if any other members of the Akatsuki are here."

"I don't want to."

"Get up of I'll carve a massive hole in your skull, rip out your brains and make you watch as dogs devour it."

"Right. I'm up."

I got to my feet and found that Hidan and Kisame were also sitting up (apparently they had received similar death threats from our oh-so-lovely Leader). Kisame kept dozing off and almost falling over, before catching himself and jerking awake at the last moment. Hidan had deep shadows under his eyes and kept letting loose streaming of curses at every opportune moment.

"Well, this is fun," I said gloomily.

"Come on," said Leader. "We have to all fit in this stupid little row boat. Otherwise I'm making you three swim to shore."

We got to out feet and made our way across the deck. Apparently Kakuzu had lowered the anchor and we were sitting ducks in the bay outside of Elberi. The ship had, fortunately, come with a row boat, which we could use to go ashore. Whiel Zetsu stayed behind to look after the ship, Kakuzu happily nominated Hidan as the designated rower and, since no one except Hidan objected, he was forced into the position.

"Dessie," complained Hidan. "You're a failure of a girlfriend."

"I'm n–" I began to say and then glanced at Konan. "Just because I'm your _girlfriend_ doesn't mean I can't exploit you for manual labor. Now row, slave."

"Bitch," said Hidan.

"Ignoring Hidan," said Leader. "We have a purpose here in Seanova. Konan and I are going to search the east side of the town while Kakuzu and Hidan search the ports and Kisame and Dessie search the west side. We want to find out as much information as possible about this world and if any rumors have come up concerning the others."

"What if they're on a different island?" Konan asked.

"We'll find them eventually," said Leader. "Either that or find a way home and leave them here to rot."

"It is Kate's fault for jumping into the stupid orange orb," said Kisame cheerfully.

"We don't know if it was Kate," I pointed out. "It could have been Hannah."

"Please," said Kisame. "As if Hannah would be that stupid."

"This is your girlfriend we're talking about here," I said. "You're calling Kate stupid?"

"Yep, and I love her for it."

Hidan groaned. "My arms are falling off. Kisame switch places with me!"

"Hell no. This is for the greater good."

"I am the greater good, you Fish Fry!"

I snickered. Hidan spun around and kicked me in the shin. I clutched my leg, cringing in pain, while he glared at me.

"Hey, Hidan," said Leader from the back of the boat. "You stopped rowing."

"Shut up, I'm rowing, you shitty leader, I'm rowing."

Eventually, we reached the dock and tied up the boat. The dock owner (who looked suspiciously like Kabuto) tried to get us to pay, but after Kakuzu severed his head from his body, the dock owner was much more willing to give discounts. Then, the group separated, with Leader and Konan heading off the search for news of the others. Hidan, Kisame, Kakuzu, and I stood around awkward.

"We should probably go check out the west side," said Kisame.

"I don't want to," I said. "We're not going to find anything."

"How do you know?" asked Kakuzu.

"We haven't been here long enough for word of the others to spread. Besides, the best place to hear news is a bar."

A slow, sly grin spread across Hidan's face as he turned to regard me. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"If what you're thinking involves getting very, very drunk…"

Kisame laughed. "I'm in."

"I am too, as long as I'm not paying," added Kakuzu.

Kisame led the way as we headed through the streets looking for a good bar. We found one, named The Green Dragon, and slipped inside. It was later in the afternoon and most of the men had come for a post-work drink. We managed to find a table and sat down with orders for a first round of sake on its way.

"Haven't done this in a good long while," I said appreciatively.

"Shame we don't have the others here," said Kisame sadly. "It's always funny when Deidara and Zetsu get drunk."

The drink arrived and I grabbed a bottle, chugging down about half of it in one swing. "Now this is the stuff. Even in alternate realities – the alcohol is _good_."

"You're a drunkard," said Hidan between gulps of sake.

"Look who's talking," said Kisame.

I was about to use some witty and highly successful comeback, but was interrupted by the arrival of a familiar face – a familiar face, which, unfortunately, I would rather not know. One look at the long, spiky white hair, the black eyes, the wart on his nose, and the weird facial markings and I screamed.

Without thinking, I threw myself behind Kakuzu and buried my face in my hands, hoping that the man wouldn't see me. We have a long history – one which I would prefer not to come up.

"Thou shalt no partake in the consumption of alcohol!"

"Shut up, Old Man," said Hidan. "If I want to party and get drunk, then I'll party and get drunk."

"Thou has sinned against the Lord."

"Who the fuck is 'the Lord'?'

"The Lord Almighty! The One! The Creator! He made me and he made you–"

"Hell no," said Hidan. "No one fucking made me except my mother and that shit of a man who stuck his prick in her. If you so much as mention the One in my presence again, Lord Jashin will smite your atheist ass!"

"He means it," I said from my shelter behind Kakuzu.

"Er, Dessie," said Kisame slowly. "I hate to ask… But why are you hiding?"

"Do you know who that is!" I wailed.

"Er… No."

"Jiraiya."

"So?"

I sat up – braving the sight of Jiraiya's old and ugly face – and cried out indignantly, "I met him twice in our world and both times were at a brothel!"

Hidan cracked up laughing. "The whore's worst nightmare."

"Shut up, shithead!"

I drove across the table and grabbed Hidan by the throat. I attempted to strangle him to death, while he sat beneath me, laughing maniacally as I shook his head from side to side. Between the two of us, we don't really take murder attempts seriously.

Jiraiya, on the other hand, did. "Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not kill!"

"I'm not killing him," I said, keeping my hands firmly fixed around Hidan's throat. "He's very alive."

"Dessie and Hidan trying to kill each other is practically them saying 'I love you'," supplied Kisame helpfully.

"I think it's hot," said Hidan.

"No one asked you opinion, Zombie Whore," I snapped and went back to throttling him to death while Kakuzu and Kisame looked on rather amused.

"The Lord says thou shalt not kill," repeated Jiraiya.

"New flash – the Lord also says so not commit adultery," I said. "But you have sex stamped across your forehead."

Jiraiya puffed out his chest and looked highly offended. "I will have you know that, despite my age, I am still a virgin."

"Lies."

"It's true."

"Liar. You tried to sleep with me multiple times."

"I have never seen you before in my life!"

"More lies."

"Dessie," said Kakuzu, sounding almost bored with the entire fight. "Don't forget that in this reality, Jiraiya has no clue who you are. He could very well be a pathetic virgin."

I stared. And stared. And stared. "Not possible."

"Very possible," said Kisame. "We could run into a Hidan who is a devout Catholic."

"Blasphemy!" cried Hidan. "I'll kill that son-of-a-bitch non-believer!"

"Um…" said Kisame slowly. "You'll kill yourself?"

"Hell no," I snapped. "I'll kill the Catholic piece-of-shit myself."

Kakuzu groaned. "The philosophy of Jashin: When there's a problem – kill it."

"I like that philosophy," I said. "It solves a lot of problems."

"And then it creates some when you have the authorities and Konoha and Suna and the rest of the world chasing after you to get revenge," said Kakuzu.

"Well… Yeah… It has its downsides."

"What are you all talking about?" asked Jiraiya with a puzzled expression slapped across his face. "Who is Jashin? Why are you being chased?"

"Who is Jashin!" cried Hidan, leaping to his feet. "How could you not know about the might and power of Jashin? The almighty god who will smite all who do not bow down to him and his profound teachings! All hail Jashin! The god of mass destruction and carnage!"

And while Hidan launched into a long a complicated explanation of Jashin and his religious teachings, I settled down for a long drink of sake.

"Shouldn't you be raving about Jashin with your psychopathic boyfriend?" asked Kisame.

"I think he's got it covered," I said, glancing over at Hidan who was now shaking Jiraiya by the collar and waving his scythe threateningly in Jiraiya's pale, frightened face. "It's like karma… Jiraiya in the Fence tries to sexually assault me and in this reality Hidan verbally assaults Jiraiya with talk of Jashin."

"That is enough to traumatize anyone," said Kisame.

KA-BOOM!

We stopped and froze.

The sound had come from somewhere outside. Further away, but not far enough that we couldn't reach the source of the noise in a couple of minutes.

KA-BOOM!

"Am I the only one who thinks that sounds a little like Deidara?" asked Kisame.

"It sounds like the Blond Fur Ball," said Hidan. "Another one of his fucking art projects."

KA-BOOM!

"It… It… It's the Ikustaka!"

I glanced over my shoulder at Jiraiya, who was cowering underneath the bar table, his hands fastened over his head.

"Jashin Bless You," I said.

"I don't want to be blessed by that psychotic god of yours!" wailed Jiraiya.

Hidan kicked Jiraiya and the old man scuttled in pain. He tried to flee from us, but Kakuzu grabbed Jiraiya by the collar and lifted him from the ground to eye level.

"Who are the Ikustaka?" asked Kakuzu.

Jiraiya cringed in pain. "May the Lord forgive your souls…"

"Shut up and answer the question."

"They're a criminal organization. They're evil. Evil! They come to towns and demand tribute of money and women. And if they don't get what they want, they massacre half the town!"

"A criminal organization?" asked Kisame.

"The worst!"

Kakuzu dropped Jiraiya. With a crash he landed on the floor, and scuttled away like the turtle to hide under a different table (one that wasn't surrounded by crazy Jashin-worshippers, giant shark-men, and a violent old man with five hearts).

"Ikustaka…" repeated Kakuzu slowly.

"They're a fucking criminal organization," said Hidan. "That's our fucking job."

"Shut up," I said. "You're better looking with your mouth shut."

"They sound like rip offs…" said Kisame. "Cheap rip offs at that. Iksutaka and the Akatsuki… They even have our name backwards!"

"Those shitheads…"

Just then the door to the bar flew open. All heads turned in the direction of the entrance as the orange haired Leader, Konan, and Zetsu stormed into the room, their faces twisted in rage. The moment Leader caught sight of us, he marched over, his entire body quivering as he came to a stop in front of us.

"You… You… You bitches!" he cried. "I gave you a job to do! I gave you one miserable job – and what – WHAT! – do you choose to do? Completely ignore my instructions and go to get drunk at the nearest bar! I'm going to kill you! All of you! I'm going to rip your heads off their necks and play water volley ball with them! And then I'm going to use your innards as part of Konan's new soup recipe and eat it for dinner for the next few months! I'm gonna–"

"Leader, the Ikustaka are attacking," said Kakuzu.

" –rip you to – Wait… What!"

"The Ikustaka are attacking."

"Who the hell are the Ikustaka!"

"A criminal organization that terrorizes this reality," said Kisame, helpfully.

"Ikustaka…"

"Their name is Akatsuki spelled backwards," I added.

"Ikustaka…"

"They're fucking whores," said Hidan.

"They sound like fucking cheap rip offs who want to steal our thing!" cried Leader.

Konan nodded her head in agreement. "We should kill them."

"Can we?" asked Hidan excitedly.

"Can we eat them?" asked Zetsu. "But they probably won't taste good. Like that cheap stuff you buy at the grocery store. Some food is better than none. But crappy food isn't worth the bother… Be appreciative of what you can have." Zetsu's black side pulled a face. "Euch."

"You can eat them, Zetsu," said Leader. "And Hidan and Dessie can sacrifice them to Jashin – and whatever the hell you want to do to this cheap organization. I cannot stand – I cannot stand cheap copies of our noble organization. This is disgusting. This is… is… RIP THEIR HEADS OFF!"

Leader turned around and, with the rest of us following him, stormed out of the bar. Everyone watched us go with their mouths wide open in horror and surprise – none of them knew exactly what to say.

As we exited the bar, I heard Kakuzu muttered to Kisame in an undertone, "They forgot to give us the bill."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yay! It's hit the weekend, which means I have one exam left: Calculus. And I'm good at math (I'm a junior taking Calculus) - so all's good. So, I spent the morning working on an update for you. Except my mom decided to turn on the Christmas music - which is not good music to listen to while writing this fanfiction. So I have my music blasting in my ears, trying to down out the annoying Christmas music. And I'm sitting at the dinner table writing, but I'm so short that I tend to sit on my legs to make myself taller. But that gives me really painful pins and needles. Urggg.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. The Akatsuki just like getting drunk. I had a little Jiraiya bashing in this chapter... But hey, it's a fake Jiraiya. I actually don't mind Jiraiya's character, but it's the Akatsuki and they bash just about everyone so... whatever. **

**REVIEW! OR LEADER WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF! (its a great battle cry)**


	17. CItachi

**Chapter Seventeen: C-Itachi**

**Kate**

Itachi and Itachi.

There are two Itachis (double the hotness).

Itachi… and Itachi. Identical in every sinlge possible way, down to the last wrinkle – except the eyes. One Itachi – our Itachi – had red eyes, whereas this new one had black eyes.

"This is weird," I announced.

The people around us in the street were giving us odd glances, as surprised as I was at the identicalness of Itachi and Itachi. Some girls were practically drooling over the sight, and I can't say I blame them.

"Whoa…" said the black-eyed Itachi in horror. "Hey – it's me!"

I blinked and glanced at Itachi. "Itachi… it's Itachi."

"Hn."

"You know," said the fake Itachi. "My mother always said that there is one person in the whole world who looks exactly like you – I just didn't think I'd ever meet him!"

"Hn."

The fake Itachi stared at Itachi excitedly, waiting for him to say something. Itachi just stared back blankly, completely unconcerned.

"He doesn't say much to anyone," I said, patting the fake Itachi on the shoulder. "The only person who can understand the 'hn' language is Kisame and he's not here."

"Kisame?"

"He's a big shark guy – and my boyfriend."

The fake Itachi looked even more confused than ever – I don't understand why, I was being helpful and explaining things to him.

"So," I said, beaming at the fake Itachi. "Nice to meet you. Are you from around here? Is your name really Itachi or are we just assuming it's Itachi? Did you kill your family in this reality too?"

The fake Itachi blinked once and stared at me in mute horror. "What are you talking about?"

"Sorry," I said, clapping my hands together. "I'm just so excited. But when you meet your alternate self, doesn't the world self-destruct or something?" I glanced inquisitively at Itachi.

"I'm not the expert on alternate realities," he said.

"Sorry," I muttered. "But you're just really smart…"

Itachi stared at me for a moment, his face as mask as always. Finally, he said, "It is probably just a myth."

"Let's hope so," I said. "I don't really feel like destroying a reality."

"Hn."

"Though," I added thoughtfully. "We could cross that off our list of things to destroy."

"We have a list?"

"I think Dessie made one once on a rainy day…"

"I won't ask."

The fake Itachi was trying – and failing – to follow our conversation. His head went from side to side to side as he listened to each one of intensely. When Itachi and I had finished talking, the fake Itachi leaned forward and said, excitedly, "What are you talking about?"

I glanced nervously at Itachi. "Can I tell him?"

"Hn."

I didn't know what that meant, so I took it for a 'yes' and decided to fill the fake Itachi in. "We're part of a criminally organization who was told by a blue gnome named Squisher to go find some god named Four for reason that I'm not entirely sure of. We had to climb a mountain of challenges and I ended up falling into an orange orb which transported us all to this alternate reality and we don't know how to get back home."

"Oh."

Silence.

Slowly, very, very slowly, a wide grin spread across the fake Itachi's face. "That's so awesome!"

I stared. And stared. And stared some more. And then I screamed.

"Itachi! Itachi! Itachi!" I cried, cowering behind him in fear. "The fake you is smiling – oh my Warg/Jashin/God – he's _smiling_."

"Hn."

At that moment, I gained an immense amount of respect for Itachi. He was so brave to stand his ground against the fearsomely _real_ smile on the fake Itachi's face. It defied all truths. It defied they very existence of reality – Itachi does not smile. I don't care if it's a fake Itachi or the real one – Itacho _does not smile_.

This event was going to give me nightmares for weeks.

The fake Itachi seemed concerned and he took a step forward. Carefully, he patted me on the head and offered me a lollipop he had extracted from his bag. "There, there, Little Girl. A little lollipop will make it all better."

My screams doubled.

"Is she okay?" asked the fake Itachi nervously.

"Hn."

The _real_, unsmiling Itachi stared at his double blankly. And, thankfully, Itachi came up with the most normal and predictable response: "Hn."

I love the old Itachi.

Then I glanced at the fake Itachi and shivered. It was all so… so… wrong.

But then the real Itachi took over. He turned to his double and said, "Would you help us?"

"Of course!" cried the fake Itachi excitedly. "Anything to help the other me!"

"We're looking for some companions of ours who may have come to this world with us. Can you help us find them? Ask around?"

"Sure thing," said the fake Itachi. "There's some inns that are good gossip spots – I'll find something for you! But, um…" The fake Itachi paused. "Who am I looking for exactly?"

"The Akatsuki," said Itachi. "An orange haired man with lots of piercings, a blue haired woman who likes paper, a half-and-half man who likes to hide inside of a plant, a half shark half man, a blood thirsty guy who walks around shirtless, a guy who only shows his eyes and likes money, a blond fur ball, an apathetic girl who is extremely good at blackmail, and a psychopathic girl who yells a lot – that's everyone."

The fake Itachi stared.

Itachi sighed. "Just ask around for anyone who likes to murder things."

"Okay…"

Itachi gave the fake Itachi the information about where we were staying and then, with a huge grin and on overly enthusiastic wave, the fake Itachi departed, leaving me alone in the street with the wonderfully 'hn'ing Itachi.

"I won't sleep again for weeks," I said as we made our way back towards the inn. "Did you see that smile!"

"Hn."

"My thoughts exactly."

"Hn."

"How can you understand me so well?"

"Hn."

I sighed. "I can only pretend to know what you're 'hn'ing about for so long."

"Hn."

"It's good to know it's you."

* * *

><p>Tsunade practically ran into Itachi's arms when we returned to the inn. She was near tears and blubbered desperately into his shoulder for a good few minutes before Itachi managed to get her to calm down enough to make full sentences.<p>

"He's… so scary…" she whispered. "Like a thing from my nightmares…"

"Who is?" asked Itachi, automatically tensing and preparing for the worst.

"He'll… never let go… never… he just clings on… It's torture!" The tears started spilling over again and I patted Tsunade uncomfortably on the shoulder.

"Just tell us where he is and we'll take care of him," I said. And, with a glance at Itachi, I added, "Well, Itachi will. I'll mostly stand there and scream whenever he gets close."

"Hn."

"Where is he?" I asked (hopefully translating Itachi's 'hn' properly – one can never tell).

"Upstairs…" whispered Tsunade. "In… In your room…"

Itachi had already started up the wooden stairs of the inn. I hurried after him, nervously clinging close just in case some sort of nasty was going to jump out at me (like they often did). We reached the landing and headed down the hall towards our room. The door was closed, resting peacefully without a care in the world.

Slowly, Itachi raised a hand to the door and turned to knob. I held my breath as Itachi pushed the door open and stepped inside–

"Itachiiiiiiiii! Itachi is back!"

Something big, dressed in black, and wearing an orange mask jumped on top of Itachi, wrapping his arms around Itachi's neck with overwhelming enthusiasm.

"Hn."

"Tobi missed Itachi!"

I stepped inside after Itachi and closed the door behind me. "Hi, Tobi." I glanced around the room, but there was nothing in there except our beds and Tobi. "Where's the monster Tsunade was walking about?"

"What monster?" asked Tobi, detaching himself from Itachi and looking about the room wildly. "Was that what Tsunade-chan was so afraid of? She ran out crying and Tobi didn't know why!"

I blinked and glanced at Itachi.

He pointed at Tobi.

I stared at the man in the orange mask, and, after a moment of deep thought, I realized. "Oh. Tsunade was crying because of Tobi."

Tobi gasped. "Tobi made Tsunade-chan cry! Tobi is a bad boy! Tobi is a bad boy!"

Itachi, rather bored with the whole scene, made his way across the room to sit in his wooden chair in the corner. Meanwhile, Tobi was dealing with a self-crisis that defied the very essence of his Good Boy existence.

"It's okay, Tobi," I said, trying desperately to comfort him before he went all Madara on us and tried to destroy the whole inn. "Tobi is a good boy- Tsunade just doesn't understand that about you yet."

Tobi sniffled. "Really?"

"Uh… Yeah…"

"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi paused for a second and then added, "But Tobi wants to know where Itachi and Kate went."

"Oh!" I cried, jumping up and down excitedly. "You'll never guess who we met, Tobi!"

"Who? Who? Who?" asked Tobi. He started copying my movements and jumped up and down repeatedly with me. "Tell Tobi! Tell Tobi!"

"Tobi has to guess," I said.

"Uh… Hannah-Nunu!"

"Nope."

"Dessie-Nunu?"

"Nope."

Tobi thought _really_ hard and then said, "Deidara-senpai?"

"Try harder," I said.

"Leader!"

"Nope."

Tobi pouted. "Tobi doesn't know… Why doesn't Tobi guess… Konan?"

"Nope."

"Uh…"

"We ran into me," said Itachi, unable to take our playful guessing game any longer.

"You met Itachi?" asked Tobi in confusion. "but Itachi was with Itachi and Kate all along."

"Not this Itachi," I explained, grinning from ear to ear. "A fake Itachi – like a clone of him! They were identical in every single way. Except for the eyes. The clone had black eyes."

"Kate means…"

"There are two Itachis in this reality! Our Itachi and his clone!" I paused for a second and considered this. "You know… It'd be easier if we just called him C-Itachi."

"Tobi is confused. C-Itachi?"

"You know… short for Clone Itachi..."

"Isn't it Dessie's job to come up with weird nicknames?" asked Itachi from his seat.

"Well… yeah…" I said slowly. "But someone has to do it in her absence."

Tobi sniffled and suddenly he let out a wail of, "Tobi misses Dessie-Nunu!"

"Uh…"

"And he misses Hannah-Nunu! And Deidara-Senpai! What can Tobi do without his Nunus? Who will play with Tobi? Who will call Tobi stupid and dodge his hugs? Who will beat Tobi with a frying pan and kick him in his weak spot?" Tobi was starting to whimper as tears welled up behind his mask. "And who will teach Tobi all about art? And who will try to kill Tobi at every opportune moment?"

"Um…"

Tobi started to wail. He collapsed on the bed and pounded his fists on the sheets, and screamed and cried for his Nunus and Senpai.

I glanced nervously at Itachi.

He stared back at me.

"Um… Should we do something about this?" I asked.

"Hn."

I didn't need to Kisame to translate for me. Sighing, I edged my way across the room to stand next to Tobi. Awkwardly, I patted his flailing leg and said, "Yeah…. I'll take care of it."

"Hn."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sighs, short chapter. Most of this chapter was filler to get it to a decent length. The point is 1) they met C-Itachi and 2) He's looking for the Akatsuki and that's all we care about. The rest is just for fun. I have to say, this wasn't my favorite chapter and I had to force myself to write it. I can't remember what's in Hannah's next chapter... let me see... Oh yeah. Hmmm... Should be interesting. I had a crappy day so my enthusiasm isn't that high. I'll probably just go to bed and write tomorrow morning... **

**REVIEW! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW OR C-TSUNADE WILL COME AND CRY ALL OVER YOUR CLOTHES AND MAKE THEM AN ICKY MESS! DUn-DUN-DUN! (this is probably the lamest threat I have ever come up with. Just goes to show what an off day I'm having)**


	18. A Messed Up Situation

**Chapter Eighteen: A Messed Up Situation **

**Hannah**

Well, we find ourselves in a strange situation. Let's summarize everything real quick so we can see just how messed up this situation is:

One – Deidara and I were transported to a sort of alternate reality

Two – we met Naruto and Sakura and they didn't want to kill us; in fact, Naruto invited us to his home.

Three – we stopped by the police station to see Sakura's dad (who, in this reality, is Ibiki)

Four – Ibiki had Sasori under arrest

Five – Sasori killed a cop with one of his poisonous puppets

Six – Deidara actually wants to take Sasori home with us.

"This isn't a pet store," I said. "We can't just pick out our favorite people in the alternate reality and take them home with us."

"You sure we can't?" asked Deidara; he sounded positively disappointed.

"Who else did you want to take home?" I asked, exasperated.

"Well…" said Deidara slowly. "I thought we might find an alternate reality Tobi who isn't nearly as insane. Then we could take him home and leave our Tobi here, uhn."

I considered this. "That sounds reasonable. Okay, we can do that."

There was a sudden cry of pain from across the room. Deidara and I spun around to see Ibiki clutching his shoulder. There was light cut through his jacket where Sasori's puppet had decided to inflict eternal suffering on Ibiki too.

I sighed. Oh look, I have something more to add to the list:

Seven – Sasori just poisoned Sakura's dad

Sakura didn't take Messed Up Situation Number Seven very well. She screamed and rushed to her father's side, trying to examine the wound carefully. Naruto stood in the middle of the room, rooted to the spot and unable to understand what exactly was happening.

"I don't think they're going to let us take him home," I said.

"I've got a solution, uhn," said Deidara. He pulled something out of his side pouch and waved it about in from of my face.

"Idiot," I said, grabbing him by the wrist so that he was force to hold whatever it is still. I squinted. It appeared to be some sort of vile… or a needle. "What is that?"

"Antidote," said Deidara triumphantly. "From my time as partners with Sasori, uhn."

"And…" I said slowly. "You think the poisons he uses in our world is the same as the poison he uses in this world?"

Deidara stopped, considered this, and then shrugged. "Oh yeah…"

"Help him!" screamed Sakura. "For god sake! If you have a way – help him!"

"It's worth a shot," I said.

Deidara took a step forward and stood over Ibiki, waggling the antidote about. "He's the deal, uhn," he said. "I'll give you this antidote, but in return you have to let us take Sasori with us. We'll take him off your hands and make sure he doesn't kill people… much."

I sighed. "Don't add the much part!"

"Fine…" choked Ibiki, blood spurting up between his lips.

"Alright," said Deidara. He pulled the cap off the antidote, which reveals a long, very pointy needle. Without a moment's hesitation, Deidara stabbed the needle into Ibiki's shoulder and released the antidote into Ibiki's system.

Ibiki let out a scream of pain (having a needle plunged into you cannot be pleasant), but he stopped coughing up blood and his breathing eased up. Apparently Sasori's medicines were the same in this reality.

"You could have been nicer about that." I said.

"I could have," said Deidara. "But it's much more fun this way."

"Revenge?" I asked.

"Shame it isn't our Ibiki."

Ibiki was sitting up now, and I figured it was time to go now before Ibiki changed his mind. Deidara grabbed Sasori and Sasori grabbed his puppet, and all three (or four) of us headed for the exit. Deidara made sure to wave good-bye to Sakura and Naruto. I think we all liked them a lot better when they weren't trying to kill us.

"Well that was fun," said Deidara as we reached a street corner that was far enough away from the police station.

"I think you need to redefine your sense of fun," I said. "Death, poison, underhand deals – it's just all in a day's work."

"Who are you people?" asked Sasori.

Deidara and I glanced at each other and then at Sasori.

"You can tell him," I said.

Deidara sighed. "Fine. Hi, Sasori-dono." He waved awkwardly. "We're from an alternate reality and in that alternate reality you were my partner in a criminal organization. But then you were killed by that pink haired bitch, Sakura, uhn. I think that's it…"

Sasori stared.

"Oh!" said Deidara. He grabbed me by the shoulder and pushed my in front of him for Sasori to see (though I suspect Deidara was also using me as a shield). "And this is Hannah. She's… um… Hannah."

"Great introduction," I muttered.

"Okay, okay," said Deidara. "I'll do this properly. This is Hannah. She and two crazy friends of hers came from another world called Earth. They were originally sold as fake prostitutes, but after some world jumping and a war with Wargonians – who worship a god that we thought Dessie made up – we let them become proper Akatsuki whores."

Sasori stared.

"It makes more sense when you get the full story, uhn."

Sasori stared.

"You're both crazy," he announced and then turned around and walked away.

"Hold up!" said Deidara, hurried after Sasori. "I bought you from the police! You're mine! That antidote is hard to come by. One of a kind! You can't just walk off!"

"Watch me," said Sasori.

"I have a question," I said, waving my hand in the air to catch their attention.

Sasori and Deidara stopped and turned to stare at me. "What is it?"

"From the stories Deidara told me, isn't Sasori supposed to be middle-aged?"

Deidara glanced at Sasori critically, but Sasori didn't look a day over fifteen. "Maybe it's the alternate reality that messed up the time frame…"

"But everyone else we've met has been their normal ages," I pointed out.

"Right."

"I'm a puppet," said Sasori bluntly.

Deidara's jaw dropped. "Oh my Jashin. He's _exactly_ the same! Hannah! We have to take him home with us! Then we can show him to Sakura-ho and say _take that, you pink-haired bitch_! And she'll be all _what happened? I killed him!_ And then I'll say _Bitch, we're Akatsuki – don't mess with us!_ Uhn!" Deidara grinned at me, nodding his head enthusiastically.

I slapped my forehead with my hand and sighed. "You're having too much fun with this."

Sasori turned to me and asked, "How do you put up with him?"

"There is a reason the Akatsuki has drinking parties so often."

For a moment, Sasori and I shared in equal pain. Then, Sasori turned to Deidara and announced, "Fine. I'll stay with you for the time being. But if you bore me – I'm leaving."

"Oh good," said Deidara. "Because there's never a boring moment in the Akatsuki, uhn."

"You know," I said. "You complained about your old partner to me all the time – saying how annoying he was, but, in actuality, you missed him, huh?"

Deidara's face turned pink. "I don't know what your talking about."

"If I were Kate," I said. "I'd say it was cute. But I'm not, so I'll just smirk at you knowingly and hold this over you like blackmail." I smirked.

"Hannah!" whined Deidara.

I continued smirking.

"I still think you people are weird," said Sasori.

"OH MY GOD!"

I swear I jumped about ten feet into the air at the scream. I looked about wildly, trying to figure out who was yelling at the top of their lungs for some undoubtedly stupid reason. Deidara and Sasori looked as confused as me. And then, suddenly, Deidara's eyes widened and his mouth formed a perfect 'o'. He pointed at someone behind me and I turned around to see what Deidara was looking at.

Itachi.

A happy Itachi.

He was standing in the middle of the street pointing at us and jumping up and down excitedly. When he realized he caught our eyes, he grinned and waved his arms like a maniac. "Hey! Hey! It's you!"

I glanced at Deidara and then pointed at myself. "Us?"

Itachi nodded excitedly. "It's you! It's you! The other me said to look for a blond fur ball and an apathetic girl who likes blackmail!"

"The other me…?" I said slowly.

Deidara groaned. "Why does everyone recognize me as the blond fur ball?"

Itachi sprinted through the crowd and, before I knew what was happening, he enfolded Deidara and me in a giant bear hug.

Yes, I'm stunned into silence as well.

"What the hell!" screamed Deidara, pushing Itachi off of him. "Has this new reality replaced your brain? I knew it," he added, turning to me, "Itachi has finally snapped."

"No, no, no, no," said Itachi, waving his hands about to stop us. "I'm not the Itachi you know. I'm the Itachi from this reality. I ran into the other me earlier today and he said to go find the other members of the Akatsuki. And I like being helpful. Being helpful is good. And to think, I found you guys!" Itachi grinned enthusiastically.

"Deidara…" I said slowly.

"Yeah…"

"Are you scared?"

"Very."

"Are the Akatsuki all like this?" asked Sasori. "Because if so, I want out of here right now."

"No!" cried Deidara, grabbing Sasori by the arm. "This, um, fake Itachi isn't part of the Akatsuki. He's the version of Itachi in this reality. Our Itachi is badass and kicks ass, uhn."

"It's true," I added.

"Never mind that!" cried the fake Itachi. "I have to take you to see the other me! He'll be so happy!"

"Some how I doubt that," I muttered. "Ten bucks says he goes 'hn' at the sight of us."

"I'm not taking that bet," said Deidara.

"Come on! Come on!" cried the fake Itachi.

He wouldn't take no for an answer. So, before any of us could resist, he led us through the town (getting lost several times). I had no idea where he was leading us, but apparently to wherever Itachi – the real Itachi – was. Eventually, the fake Itachi led the way into an inn and, almost immediately, we were confronted with the familiar face of Tsunade.

"What are you…" she said, staring at Itachi in horror. "I thought you were upstairs dealing with the monster."

"What monster?" asked the fake Itachi.

"Do we get to kill it?" asked Sasori.

"Um…" I said. "This is Nitachi, Itachi's twin brother. We're coming to visit Itachi. What room is he in?"

Tsunade gave us the room number, but she kept glancing suspiciously at the fake Itachi and Sasori. "Are you here to help get rid of the monster?"

"Um, sure," I said. "Thanks."

I quickly led the others upstairs and down the hall to the room she had instructed us to. I knocked on the door, somewhat nervous as to what we might find on the other side. I didn't have to spend much time worrying, however, since almost immediately after I knocked, the door flew open to reveal the wide-eyed face of Kate.

She blinked. "Hannah!"

"Hi," I said. "The fake Itachi found us."

"C-Itachi?" asked Kate.

I stared. "Um? C-Itachi?"

"It's short for Clone Itachi," she explained. She glanced at C-Itachi behind me and waved. Then, she stepped back to let the rest of us through the doorway.

The room they were staying in had only two beds. Itachi was sitting in a chair in the corner looking extremely severe and Tobi was bouncing up and down on one of the beds, giggling excitedly. He stopped at the sight of me, leapt to his feet, and screamed, "Hannah-Nunu!" before bear-tackling me to the ground.

"Tobi…" I groaned, trying to push him away and failing. "Get off of me."

With a wave of his hand, Sasori had his puppet rear up and wriggle its knives for Tobi to see. Tobi promptly got off of me and stared at Sasori in horror.

"Sasori is supposed to be dead," said Tobi.

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, getting to my feet. "This is the Sasori from this reality."

"So, he's like C-Sasori!" cried Kate excitedly.

"Call me that again and I'll set my puppet loose on you," said Sasori.

"Um, sorry," said Kate, backing away to cower behind Itachi.

"Hey, Itachi," said Deidara. "You clone nearly gave us a heart-attack in the street. I thought you were actually smiling."

"Hn."

"Damn," I said. "I should have made you take that bet."

"No one is that stupid."

I surveyed the room. "Where's the monster?"

"Huh?" Kate glanced around in confusion, and then understanding filled her eyes. "Oh. You talked to C-Tsunade on your way in."

"Yeah…"

"She thinks Tobi is a monster because he hugged her to death."

"Oh. Understandable."

Tobi sat on the floor, gazing up at me adoringly. When he caught me eyes, Tobi's grin widened and he said, "Tobi missed Hannah-Nunu."

Sasori sighed. "Tell me he isn't part of the Akatsuki."

"He was your replacement," said Deidara cheerfully.

"The Akatsuki was seriously lacking in options…" muttered Sasori (privately, I agreed with him).

"So have you seen anyone else?" asked Kate.

I shook my head. "What about you?"

"Nope."

Deidara tipped his head to the side and said, thoughtfully, "I wonder what kind of shit they got themselves into."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, in order to make up for the extremely lame last chapter, I made this one. Hopefully it made you laugh and you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. On another note, I got needlified by a cactus today. We're on holiday in Arizona and during a hike, my hand hit a cactus and I had a dozen big fat yellow needles embedded in my hand. I had to pull them out. It was rather painful and I think some of the tips remained in my hand. Ow. So typing is not as fun as it used to be. Fun.**

**REVIEW! OR I SHALL SEND AN ARMY OF CACTI AFTER YOU AND YOU SHALL KNOW THE PAIN OF BEING NEEDLIFIED! **


	19. The Ikustaka

**Chapter Nineteen: The Ikustaka**

**Dessie**

"Hey, man, is it just me, or is this lame?"

"No," said Kisame, scratching his head with a blank expression on his face. "It's not just you."

"This is fucking ridiculous," added Hidan.

Yeah, you're probably confused right now and waiting for me to explain what the hell we are talking about. Well, we, the Akatsuki, have finally met our counterparts, the Ikustaka, and let me tell you – they are as lame as shit. Like the Akatsuki, they seem to travel in pairs. The pair standing in front of us now looked like a queer and an ape man. The first one (the queer) was tall, thin and dressed in ridiculous gray furs. His hair was long, longer than mine, and pure white in color. And, he wears black eyeliner – I think his status as a queer is complete. Then, his partner (the ape man) stands at about seven foot tall, muscular, and speaks in as little words as possible. Yep. This is the Akatsuki's counterpart. I think I will die of shame – know Leader is.

"Can we eat them?" asked Zetsu, and, for once, the white half and the black half agreed.

"I support Zetsu," said Konan. "Though I don't know how he'll manage to swallow…"

"Who are you people?" asked the queer. "What are you doing standing in the Ikustaka's path? Don't make us destroy you." He flipped his white hair over his shoulder and attempted to glare down at us.

"I'm going to puke," I groaned.

"Try puking on his face," said Hidan. "It might improve him."

"I've lost all faith in humanity," said Kakuzu gloomily.

"I didn't know you had faith in humanity in the first place," said Kisame.

"What little I had is lost," said Kakuzu. "Which goes to show just how scarring this is…"

"Who are you people?" roared the queer while the ape man waved his fist in our general direction. "How dare you say such things about the Ikustaka!"

Leader coughed. "I'll handle this." He stepped forward, separating himself from the rest of us and turned to face the Ikustaka.

The remains of the street was filled with a sudden silence. We were somewhere in the middle of town, having found the Ikustaka amongst the ruins of their explosion. The citizens of Elberi were around, though they were in hiding. They listened to our confrontation intensely, trying to figure out what side we were on.

"We are the Akatsuki," announced Leader. He glanced from side to side. "Or most of it. We are missing a few of us. Itachi and Deidara and Hannah… and Kate…"

"And Tobi," I said helpfully.

"We're just not mentioning him," muttered Leader under his breath. He turned back to the Ikustaka and continued. "We know we are not the most respectable people in the world. We kill, we cheat, we drink, we swear, we sacrifice people to our crazy gods – but even we have our limits. You – a queer and an ape – have crossed the line. How _dare_ you walk around under the name Ikustaka – which is the reverse of Akatsuki – and look like _that_. We cannot accept sham criminals like you!"

"Hell yeah," snapped Hidan. "I'm going to curse you to hell and back."

"The Akatsuki," scoffed the queer. "What kind of name is that? You sound like cheap rip offs of the Ikustaka."

I swear I saw a vein in Leader's forehead explode. "_We_ sound like cheap rip offs! You're the ones who parade around with a shitty name like Iksutaka! I'm going to tear you to shreds! I'll neuter you and feed your dicks to Zetsu and make you watch! Then I'll cut you open and rip out your innards and put the queer's intestines in the ape and the ape's intestines in the queer! Then Kakuzu will sew you back together and make you walk around like that! But not before I fucking rip your heads off!"

The queer blinked. "You're insane."

"Damn right!" snapped Leader. "But at least I'm _properly_ insane, you fake."

"JoJoJo!" cried the queer, turning to his companion. "Can you stand listening to these rats?"

The ape shook his head.

"Wait!" I cried, raising one hand in the air. "Wait a second! Wait a second!"

Everyone turned to stare at me, their eyes wide in surprise.

I pointed at the ape and cried, "His name is _JoJoJo_?"

"Um…" The queer looked confused. He flicked his hair to bide his time before he answered. "Yeah? And my name is Durman. Is there anything wrong with that?"

Hidan doubled over laughing. "His name is JoJoJo. That's great. JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo. And Duuuuuuurman. So smart…"

"Shut up, Hidan," said Kakuzu. "It's not funny when you do it."

JoJoJo sniffled. "You hurt my feelings."

Silence.

"That's it," said Leader. "I cannot spent one more minute listening to you two make criminal organizations seem like a mockery. We, the Akatsuki, will kill you in the name of all properly insane criminal organizations – in any world, reality, or universe!"

"Hell yeah, bitches!" cried Hidan.

The Akatsuki charged, and the Ikustaka prepared to fight.

Hidan and Kisame ran in first, being the oh-so-intelligent people that they are. Kisame raised his sword above his head and – with tremendous power – brought it crashing down in the direction of JoJoJo. JoJoJo caught the sword with his bare hands and tossed it aside. Kisame drew back his fist and brought it smashing into JoJoJo's jaw. JoJoJo went flying backwards while Kisame raced to pick up his sword again and face JoJoJo.

At the same time, Hidan swung his scythe at Durman, attempting to take Durman's head off. Unfortunately, Durman was not at pathetic at he looked. With a flick of his white hair, Durman set of a series of explosions that would have killed Hidan had Hidan not been immortal. For the fun of it, Hidan took on the brunt of the flames and emerged from the smoke, swinging his scythe and laughing like a maniac.

"Are you watching your honey?" asked Konan from beside me.

I glanced at her and scowled. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't deny it," said Konan. "You two make such an adorable couple! You should go help him! I bet you two would be even cuter if you fought and killed a cheap rip off Ikustaka member together!"

"Konan… You're a little too enthusiastic about this relationship thing."

She nodded.

Finally, Leader got to his feet and threw off his pirate hat. Konan caught it and watched, excitedly, as Leader announced that it was time he joined the fray. He stormed forward and confronted Durman in battle. At first, Leader used his pirate sword (he probably thought it made him look cooler and more intimidating – well, I wasn;t going to be the one to tell him otherwise). Durman gladly met Leader in battle and the first blow shattered Leader's ridiculous sword into a thousand pieces.

"Hey!" shouted Hidan. "I was fighting that shithead!"

"Leave it," I said. "Don't you want to watch Leader's epic battle?"

"Hell no," said Hidan, grouchily. "I would rather have my own epic battle. Jashin won't be happy."

I considered this. "Good point. How about we go kill JoJoJoJoJo…Jo…Jo… Is that enough Jos?"

"Close enough," said Hidan.

I sort of hung back and tried to avoid JoJoJo's extremely powerful punches as Hidan rushed into the fight. I didn't have ninja speed to dodge with and I was pretty sure one of those punches would knock me into next week. Besides, Hidan and Kisame were more than a handful for JoJoJo.

"Ten bucks says Kisame kills him and Hidan tries to kill Kisame in revenge," said Kakuzu.

I glanced to my side. Apparently Kakuzu had snuck up while I wasn't paying attention.

"How do you know I won't jump in there and kill JoJoJo…Jo myself?"

"Because you can't even say his name."

"That doesn't make sense."

Kakuzu shrugged. "But you know it's true."

"Jo…Jo…Jo…" I said slowly. "Is there another Jo in there or is it just three?"

"It – is – Jo – Jo – Jo!" screamed the ape as he dodged Kisame's sword and Hidan's scythe at the same time.

"JoJoJoJo!" I called back.

"No!" he roared, throwing a punch in the direction of Hidan's head. "Three Jos!"

I blinked. "JOJOJO! There – damn it – I said his name right! Now I'm going to go kill him!"

I sprinted forward, pulling a long, metallic spike out of my pocket as I did so (a useful weapon). JoJoJo saw me coming and drew back his arm, ready to throw a punch, but before he could get anywhere near me, Hidan jumped forward and side-tackled me to the ground.

"What are you doing, you shithead!" I screamed, whacking him on the back of the head repeatedly.

"He was going to kill you…" said Hidan slowly.

"You idiot! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" I kicked him in the shins and slipped out of his gasp. "How dare you stop me from killing someone! I;m breaking up with you, asshole!"

(Somewhere in the background, Konan was preparing to throw a fit. Thankfully, Zetsu took the courtesy of restraining her)

"You bitch!" shouted Hidan, getting to his feet. "How dare you break up with me! I just tried to save you life!"

"I'm immortal, you idiot!"

Hidan stared. "Oh yeah…"

I kicked him between the legs. "I hate you. Get the hell away from me!"

Kakuzu walked through the wreckage of the street and held out a hand to Kisame. "You owe me ten bucks. You said they wouldn't last a week. I said they wouldn't last a day."

Kisame sighed and started rummaging through his pockets before he found the money. Reluctantly, he handed the cash over to Kakuzu. Then, he turned to me and snapped, "You couldn't have made it last a little longer, could you?"

"You…" I said slowly. "You… You were betting on how long my relationship would last!"

"Oh dear," said Kisame.

"Run," advised Kakuzu.

They both turn tails and fled in the opposite direction while I chased after them, screaming curses at them and waving my Extremely Sharp Spike of Doom and Destruction over my head threateningly. Leader was still fighting Durman and seemed not to have noticed our distraction. Hidan was curled up on the ground, clutching his manly bits, while JoJoJo stood rooted to the spot, completely clueless as to what just happened.

Kisame was laughing like a psychopathic shark as he ran in circles around the ruins. "Run, run as fast as you can – you can't catch me – I'm the monster shark man!"

"Don't mess with the gingerbread man song!" I screamed, jumping over a pile of rubble. "He was an epic piece of food! Monster shark man can't compare!"

Kakuzu groaned. "Dessie! Do you even remember why you're chasing us?"

"It has something to do with money, I'm sure!" I screamed back.

I'm pretty sure Kakuzu would have facepalmed himself if he wasn't so busy running away.

"You broke up with Hidan and we made a bet on how long your relationship would last," supplied Kisame helpfully.

I screeched to halt. "Oh yeah…"

Unfortunately, when I came to a stop, it was in the middle of the fight between Leader and Durman. Durman had just let loose of wave of fire and Leader had just tried to blow up half the town. I just so happened to be in the middle of all that shit.

Smart move, Dessie.

Immortality has its perks, but stopping pain was not one of them. The flames and the explosion blasted through my body and – by Jashin – it _hurt_.

"Fuck damn it!" I screamed. "Do you people mind!"

Durman stared. "She's… still alive…"

"Damn right I am, you shithead," I snapped. I stormed across the rubble until I came face to face with Durman. I drew back my hand and – BAM! – slapped him right across the face.

"I was in the middle of some serious thinking when you decided to set me on fire," I snapped. "Do you know how rare it is for me to think seriously!"

Durman was still gaping at me like a lost guppy.

"Asshole," I snapped. "Do you mind?" Then, I turned my back on him and marched back over to where Hidan was curled up on the ground moaning and groaning.

But I never reached Hidan.

Behind me, Durman let out a low whistle and said, "That is some woman."

He came from behind me and – before I knew what the hell was going on – he scooped me up in his arms and carried me away from the Akatsuki. JoJoJo followed us. It wasn't until he was a safe distance away that Durman stopped and turned to Leader, smirking.

"I'll spare your lives today, because of this immortal woman."

"What do you want with her?" asked Leader, genuinely curious.

Durman smirked. "I'm going to make her my wife!"

…

"Hold the fucking phone!" I screamed.

"What?"

"I thought you were queer!"

"What?" said Durman, He flicked his white hair out of his eyes. "What could have possibly made you think that?"

I screamed. "Hidan! Leader! Konan! Kisame! Kakuzu! Someone! Save me! Save me from the queer and his ape man assistant! I don't want to go with them! I don't want to go with the scary queer!"

Durman ignored my screams and, together with JoJoJoJoJoJo – I don't really care how you say his name! – he ran off into the forest. I paused in my kicking and screaming long enough to see the Akatsuki disappear from view.

Well, this isn't good.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: What? You didn't actually think I was going to let them stay together? I'm not that nice. Besides, it was getting too mary-sue for me. Yuck. And Leader was so badass in this chapter. I wasn't crazy about him before I wrote this story, but the more I write the more I love him. I'd totally let him be my Leader. **

**Now review and tell me all your thoughts! Hell! Tell me your Christmas wish list! Otherwise Leader is going to go all badass on you and switch your intestines with someone else before ripping off your heads! **


	20. Sticks and Stones

**Chapter Twenty: Sticks and Stones**

**Kate**

Anohok was a huge town – I have no idea how we're going to find the rest of the Akatsuki in here. However, there's no point in sitting around expecting the Akatsuki to show up at the inn. So, being the only reasonable person around, decided to send everyone else out into the town while he stayed at the inn (just in case they do manage to find us there). Deidara still thinks Itachi only stayed to get some piece and quiet.

"Isn't this such a pretty town!" cried C-Itachi happily.

"Do we have to keep him with us?" asked Hannah under her breath.

"I can take care of him for you," said Sasori. "My puppet hasn't killed anyone recently."

"You just killed the guy at the police station," said Hannah irritably.

I shuddered. "Great… Another psycho killer to add to our list."

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yeah," I said. "Except Tobi has the evil criminal mastermind Madara inside of him."

A dark shadow passed over my head, blocking out the sun. I squeaked and turned around just in time to see Sasori's puppet rearing up and preparing to strike.

"Kate" cried C-Itachi. "Look out!" He lunged forward and tackled me at the last minute, knocking me out of the way before the puppet could slice me open.

"Thanks..." I murmured, pushing C-Itachi off of me and turning to scowl at Sasori. "He just tried to kill me."

"I have to say," said Deidara. "That was one of his more pathetic assassination attempts, uhn."

Hannah sighed. "Sasori, do you mind not trying to kill my friend?"

"She's annoying," said Sasori bluntly.

"What?" I cried. "What did I do!'

"Don't ask," said Deidara, patting me on the shoulder comfortingly. "Sasori just kills people for fun."

"Why do you sound so happy about that?" I asked miserably.

C-Itachi got to his feet and smiled. "I'm sure he's just playing around – Sasori wouldn't actually kill you."

There was some scattered laughter from the Akatsuki and Hannah and Deidara exchanged nervous smiles. Me, however, my eyes were fixed on C-Itachi. I squinted at him, trying to figure out what was wrong with this picture.

"Hannah…" I said slowly.

"What?" she asked.

"Why don't I feel anything when I look at C-Itachi?"

Hannah blinked. She looked at C-Itachi and then back to me, her eyes widening in horror. "Kate? Are you feeling alright? You don't have a fever do you?"

"What's so strange?" asked Deidara.

"You don't know…" said Hannah slowly. "Normally when a guy saves Kate's life she falls head over heels for him."

I shuddered. "But I don't feel anything when I look at C-Itachi – except for maybe fear because he looks so much like Itachi."

"Maybe Kate doesn't feel anything for C-Itachi because she's dating Kisame," said Tobi.

Hannah and I laughed.

"That's a good one," said Hannah. "Anyways, seriously, there's something wrong here… Maybe it's the end of the world."

I shuddered and turned to stare at C-Itachi. I examined his face carefully. Other than the eyes he looked exactly like Itachi, I thought Itachi was hot when he wasn't being scary and I'd had a crush on Itachi before. This should be easy, right? I squinted, trying to force the feelings to rise up in me.

"Kate…?" said C-Itachi slowly. "Are you alright?"

"Why – aren't – I – attracted – to – you!" I wailed.

"Er…"

"And you wonder why I tried to kill her," muttered Sasori.

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Hannah. "You know what? I'm hungry. Deidara – get me food."

Deidara scowled. "Why do _I_ have to get you food? Why don't you make C-Itachi get you food? He's probably _happy_ to, uhn."

"Because you're the only one besides Kate who knows what I like," said Hannah.

"Then why don't you send Kate, uhn?"

"Because then Sasori will kill her."

Deidara snickered and glanced at me. "Sorry, Kate. But it is kind of funny."

"Say that only after he tries to poison you," I muttered.

"I was his partner," pointed out Deidara. "He tried to kill me every single day for the sake of his _art_."

"Art is eternal," said Sasori. "If you can die so easily, then you don't deserve to be art."

"So he tried to turn me into one of his human puppets," said Deidara. "Day… afer day… after day… after day… uhn – why do I was you back again?"

"I don't know," said Sasori. "So then can I leave?"

"No."

"Damn."

Hannah crossed her arms and scowled at Deidara impatiently. "It's nice to see your touching reuinion, but I'm hungry. Deidara, go buy me food, You can take Sasori with you."

"Tobi wants to buy food for Hannah-Nunu."

"No," said Hannah bluntly. "You're going to buy me some yucky sugary stuff."

Tobi pouted (I think, it's hard to tell when he's wearing a mask). "It's because Hannah-Nunu is so sweet."

Hannah rolled her eyes. "Deidara…"

"Okay, I'm going, uhn," said Deidara. "Sasori, you're coming with me. We need to sort out this art issue once and for all."

"You're buying food for her?" asked Sasori. "What are you? Her bitch?"

The effect of these words was immediately. Deidara turned a bright shade of red and started spluttering reasons why he would never be the bitch of "that heatless demon queen". Hannah just smiled knowingly while Tobi giggled maniacally and clapped his hands. I sighed and hoped that Deidara wouldn't blow us all to smithereens. And C-Itachi was just plain confused.

Eventually, Deidara and Sasori left, still arguing about whether Deidara was Hannah's bitch or not.

"I like these arguments much better than the art ones," said Hannah cheerfully. "But I think Sasori wins every time."

"You just like the idea of Deidara as your…" I hesitated. "Bitch."

"Is Tobi Hannah-Nunu's bitch?" asked Tobi eagerly. "Tobi wants to be Hannah-Nunu's bitch!"

"No."

"Aw…"

"Is he alright in the head?" asked C-Itachi nervously.

"No. His mother dropped him on his head when he was little," said Hannah. "He was never quite right since then."

"His mother?" I asked. "I thought it was because you hit him over the head with a frying pan a little too many times."

"Alas," said Hannah (I think C-Itachi was pretty horrified at this point). "I lost my frying pan in the ocean. I guess we'll have to find a new one… I feel so empty inside without one."

"A frying pan?" asked C-Itachi.

"Hannah-Nunu knows how to deal out punishment," said Tobi. "She looks so evil while doing it too." He turned to look at Hannah and I swear that his one visible eye was practically in the shape of a heart.

"He's a bit of a masochist," explained Hannah with a shrug.

"Apparently so is Deidara," I said. "And Zetsu…"

"Not Zetsu," said Hannah, shaking her head. "I don't usually beat cannibals over the head with a frying pan."

"Cannibal?" asked C-Itachi, even more confused than before.

"Well, not really," said Hannah. "He's a plant."

"Or half plant," I added. "He lives in a plant, I think. Or maybe the plant is part of him… A Venus flytrap too. Oh. And there's two of him. Or two halves on him… Okay – I think I got this. He's half Venus flytrap. A quarter black. And a quarter white."

"I don't think that's it," said Hannah. "It's more like he's half Venus flytrap, a quarter good, and a quarter evil – but the evil and good shows on the outside."

"What does this have to do with cannibalism?" asked C-Itachi.

"Well," said Hannah, "We're explaining why he's not a cannibal, because he's a plant. Or half plant. Maybe he's half-cannibal?"

"Oh," I said. "That makes so much more sense."

Tobi nodded in agreement. "Zetsu is so much less scary when Zetsu is only half cannibal."

"I'm glad we figured that out," said Hannah. "And that I'm only married to half a cannibal."

"Married?" repeated C-Itachi blankly.

"It's a long story," said Hannah. "Involving one of the Akatsuki's many drinking parties and a very, very shitty honeymoon."

"But I thought Deidara was Hannah's bitch…"

Hannah sighed. "Deidara's my bitch, Zetsu's my hubby, and Kakuzu is my home boy."

"Kakuzu?"

"He's some eighty year old guy who steals people's hearts to prolong his life. He and Hannah are partners in crime," I explained. "They managed to scam millions out of the black market."

"Oh…"

"What is Tobi to Hannah-Nunu?" asked Tobi excitedly. "What is Tobi?"

"Um…" Hannah shrugged. "Tobi is my… pet…"

Tobi's one visible eye crinkled in a smile and he clapped his hands eagerly. "Tobi is Hannah-Nunu's pet! Tobi is Hannah-Nunu's pet! Can Tobi be a dog?"

"Sure…"

Tobi jumped up and down and squealed in delight.

"I think we came back at a bad time, uhn."

I glanced up to see Deidara and Sasori making their way back down the street. Deidara was holding a plastic bag filled with different foods stuffs while Sasori had his arms folded and his nose stuck up in the air as if refusing to have anything to do with the plastic bag.

"What's you get me?" asked Hannah.

Deidara pulled something out of the bag and tossed it to Hannah. She checked the label before opening it and saying, "See. I was right to send you."

Sasori muttered something about "bitch".

"We would have come back sooner," said Deidara. "But there was a crowd in the middle of the street and they wouldn't move, uhn. Some bitch had the nerve to get herself stoned in such an inconvenient place."

"Oh," said Hannah, taking a bite out of a candy bar. "That's annoying."

"Someone's getting stoned!" I cried in horror.

"Yeah…"

"You didn't help her!"

Deidara stared. "Were we supposed to?"

"YES!" I screamed. I looked about wildly and then, before anyone could stop me, I sprinted down the street in the direction Deidara and Sasori had come from. It didn't take me long to find the crowd – they were standing in the middle of the road, taking up the entire width of the street. There was no room to get by them, so I charged right in and, crying "Excuse me!" at the top of my lungs, I somehow managed to get to the center of the crowd.

The crowd had formed a circle around a middle-aged lady dressed in black. Some stones lay about her and she had cuts and bruises on her forehead and her hands. She looked so pitiful and pathetic.

"What are you doing!" I cried, trying to face the crowd.

"We're punishing the witch!" one of them cried (I didn't see who).

"Why?" I cried. "A witch? What proof do you have?"

"She's criminal! A traitor!"

I blinked. They were all around me. Men and women and even some children. They all held stones, poised to throw. Their eyes were filled with hate and violence. They didn't care who was standing in the middle of the circle – just as long as they were _someone_ for them to throw rocks at.

"She's just some woman…" I said slowly. "Why would you hurt some poor woman?"

"She's a criminal!"

I turned around, trying to see who had spoken, but no one was giving themselves away.

"But don't stone her!" I cried. "That's cruel and inhumane!"

"She's siding with the criminal!" someone shouted. "Just stone her as well!"

I blinked. "Wait! What?"

The first stone hit me in the wrist. It stung, but I don't think it drew blood. The second stone, however, struck my knee and created a huge, bloody gash. I glanced up, desperately seeking help and, in the front row of the crowd, my eyes found the Akatsuki.

"Hannah! Deidara! Help!" I wailed.

Hannah rolled her eyes. "You got yourself in this situation. I don't really feel like getting rocks thrown at me by random strangers."

"I'm not _your_ bitch," said Deidara.

I don't even think Tobi saw me and Sasori was actually throwing rocks at me. (I've decided I don't like him very much).

"I'll save you Kate!"

Before I knew what was going on, C-Itachi leapt into the circle and cried, "Stop! Don't hurt these women!"

The shower of stones didn't stop.

"Stop!" cried C-Itach in vain. "Or… Or… Deidara will kick all your asses!" He pointed wildly in the direction of the blond fur ball.

The entire crowd turned to face Deidara, their eyes narrowed in suspicion. Deidara blinked and then raised his hands, backing away slowly. "I didn't say anything like that, uhn."

"He's threatening us!" someone screamed. "Stone him too! Show him who's boss!"

Hannah snickered while Deidara sighed and reached into his side pouch.

"Fine, uhn. I'll show you all – ART IS A BLAST!"

[I'll save you the gory details as Deidara blew the crowd to pieces. I think the majority of them managed to get away before Deidara killed them all. However, the hospital was going to be very busy for the next few days.]

"That took too long," said Sasori after Deidara had cleared the crowd. "You didn't even kill them all and your method was insufficient. How can you possible call that art?"

I missed Deidara's response as I turned to the woman lying in the street. I helped her to her feet and said, "Are you okay?"

"Thank you…" she murmured. "Thank you so much. If there's anyway I can repay you…"

"I don't need anything," I said with a comforting smile. "It was just too horrendous to just stand by and watch."

The woman smiled back. "You're a good girl…" She glanced behind me at the others. "It's a shame you have such untrustworthy friends."

I shrugged. "You get used to it."

She said nothing, but her mouth remained in a disapproving frown. Finally, she turned to me and said, "I should be going. The girls are waiting for me. Thank you… I won't forget this…"

"No problem, really…"

With a quick wave of farewell, the woman hobbled off in the opposite direction. When the woman was out of earshot, Hannah came to stand behind me. She sighed and shook her head.

"You should have asked for money."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I promise you this is related to the plot. ... Why is Kate the only nice main character?**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! I recommend listening to Christmas in Hollywood by Hollywood Undead. Best Christmas song ever. Anyways, I'll try and update tomorrow, but no promises. **

**You know what would be the best Christmas present ever? REVIEWS! Please review... or you'll get coal in your stocking... dundundun**


	21. Consequences of Unfaithful Friends

**Chapter Twenty-One: Consequences of Unfaithful Friends**

**Hannah**

We ended up going back to the inn that night with nothing to show. There was absolutely no sign of the other Akatsuki members – which I find hard to believe because it's hard to hide the presence of Zetsu or Kisame and, well, Hidan and Dessie are sort of memorable. As we were reporting our findings to Itachi, he suspected that the rest of the Akatsuki might not have come to this world with us. After much discussion and some assassination attempts, we decided to call it a day, go to bed, and try again in the morning – just in case.

The inn was full and there wasn't enough space in that one room that Itachi rented. However, Tsunade was so thankful that Itachi "got rid of the monster" (we hide Tobi in the closet whenever Tsunade comes by) that she offered to share her own room with Kate and me. And, might I add, Tsunade has the best damn room in the whole inn.

"This is way better than they guys' room," said Kate.

"There's only one bed though…" said Tsunade. "Which means you'll need to sleep on the floor. I have futons for you."

"Thanks," said Kate with a smile. She and Tsunade moved to the closet to pull out the futons, which were rolled up. I sat in a small wooden chair in the corner and watched them work. They were doing fine without me.

"So how are you enjoying your stay in Ahonok?" asked Tsunade.

"Good…" said Kate slowly. "But, you know, we ran across a crowd in the street. They were stoning some poor woman…"

"What'd she do?" asked Tsunade.

"Well… I'm not entirely sure…"

"They said she was a criminal," I said. "They seemed like they had a good reason to stone her. But no – Kate had to jump in and be the hero."

"But stoning is wrong!" wailed Kate.

"You should have asked for money," I said, shrugging.

Tsunade blinked. "You have a twisted image of right and wrong, don't you?"

"When you spend enough time with the Akatsuki, right and wrong stop mattering." I hopped out of the chair and helped Kate put my futon on the ground, while Tsunade went to get sheets from the closet.

"I still see right and wrong," said Kate.

I smirked, thinking of a certain chicken whose name shall not be mentioned. "Most of the time."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What's what supposed to mean?"

Tsunade tossed the sheets to me and I started putting them on my bed while Kate found a spot for her own futon.

"Anyways," said Kate, deciding to ignore my comment. "Tsunade – are public stonings common in Seanova?"

For a moment, Tsunade hesitated. Then, it seemed as if she had given up. She nodded uselessly. "Seanova has suffered… Seanova has no distinct power to rule over it. Corruption is everywhere. The Ikustaka, pirates, religious sects… All these factions seek power and it creates conflict everywhere. Our world suffers because of it."

"Oh…" said Kate slowly, while I remained silent.

A small smile crossed Tsunade's face. "This world is rotten." And then she switched out the light.

We slid under our sheets and closed our eyes, though, I am sure, none of us were sleeping. I lay there and stared at the crack of light under the doorway. I didn't know what was going on outside the door, but there were footsteps on the outside and a shadow would fall over the crack and then disappear as quickly as it had come. I don't know how much time passed as I lay there, but the clock kept on ticking and the night wore on. I might have fallen asleep and I might not have – I don't really know. What I do know was that at some point in the pitch black night someone snuck into our room and grabbed Kate.

Yeah. I know what you're thinking – who the hell would grab _Kate_ of all people? I don't really know either. But one moment there was silence and the next Kate was screaming and kicking.

I sat up and whipped around to see what was going on. Behind me stood two people dressed in black. They wore tight fitting black clothes with masks fastened over their faces to conceal their identities. They were both women – one was tall and bony with her arms wrapped around Kate, keeping Kate captive, while the other was shorter and curvier.

"What do you want?" I asked.

They didn't speak.

I reached for the frying pan that was always at my side and then remember that I had lost it. I had never felt so useless.

"Let her go!" cried Tsunade. "She's done nothing wrong!"

The black-clad figures were backing away – towards the window. They were going to leave! And take Kate with them.

I didn't think. I just reacted. It took me two steps to cross the room. I grabbed the wooden chair in the corner and swung it around – aiming for the head of the woman holding onto Kate. Her companion, however, leapt in front of the woman and the chair smashed into her face. The mask shattered and the girl collapsed to the ground unconscious.

I gasped.

The face… Oh hell… The face was so familiar. That long purple-black hair and those innocent features… Oh hell – it was Hinata.

I tore my eyes away from the bloody gash on her forehead and turned to stare at the other woman. However she had disappeared and, along with her was Kate.

"Shit."

The light flickered on. Tsunade was still sitting in bed. Her eyes were wide and she was staring at me and the unconscious girl lying at my feet in horror.

"Can you get the guys?" I asked. "We have a bit of an emergency on our hands."

She nodded mutely and, without another word, she slipped out of bed and raced across the room – throwing the door open and flooring the room with light. I blinked – adjusting myself to the darkness – and then I turned my attention to Hinata.

"Sorry…" I said. I walked over to Kate's bed and began pulling the sheets off. I ripped them into the long strips and used to strips as ropes to tie the unconscious Hinata to the end of the bed. Hopefully the wood would be strong enough to restrain her. When I was sure I had tied Hinata tightly enough, I sat on the ground in front of her and waited. It took only another minute for the rest of the Akatsuki to show up.

"Is she gone?" asked Sasori (he sounded positively pleased).

"Yes."

"What's Hinata doing here, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"You _know_ her?" asked Tsunade incredulously. "What did she do with Kate? What's going on here?"

"We know her… Sort of… I think…" I said slowly. "We did. But then we don't. It's complicated."

Itachi snorted (I didn't know he could snort). "When is it not complicated?"

"Good point."

Tsunade remained still, staring at the bound Hinata nervously. "What are you going to do with her?"

"We can't do anything to her until she wakes up," said Itachi with a shrug.

"Well…" I said slowly. "Technically you can… I mean… It's awful, but there are things…"

Itachi stared at me blankly, uncomprehending.

Deidara patted me on the shoulder and shook his head. "Itachi will never understand those things. He is above such petty things, uhn."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course he is. My mistake."

Tobi crouched next to the unconscious Hinata and prodded her in this ribs carefully. She twitched, but did not wake. He poked her a couple more times for good measure; then he got to his feet and said, "Tobi thinks Hinata is still sleeping."

"Yes, Tobi," I said wearily. "We all know that."

C-Itachi squinted at Hinata nervously. "Who is she? And why is she covered in blood!"

"I hit her over the head with a chair," I said bluntly.

C-Itachi cringed. "Why?"

"She was trying to run off with Kate – what did you think I was going to do? Tap her on the shoulder and ask her nicely to put my friend down?"

"Yeah… but there's so much blood…"

"Not really," said Sasori. "It's just a head wound."

Tsunade looked close to tears and C-Itachi moved across the room to pat her comfortingly on the shoulder with a trembling hand. The rest of us, however, turned to survey Hinata with grim expressions.

"You have to wonder…" said Deidara slowly.

"Wonder what?"

Before Deidara could reply, Hinata's eyes fluttered open and an agonized groaned escaped her lips. Then, suddenly, realization struck her. She straightened up and glanced about wildly. She tried to pull away from the ropes that bound her to the end of the bed, but apparently I had done a good job with my knots.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Hinata. "Let me go, you fucking whores!"

I sighed. "Oh the wonders of an alternate reality – what did they do to you, Hinata?"

Hinata tensed. "How do you know my name, bitch?"

"Doesn't matter – where's your friend taking Kate?"

"Shut the hell up! I'll never tell an ugly bitch like you!"

"Fuck, whore, bitch, hell – you and Dessie would be best friends, uhn," said Deidara.

"Who's Dessie?" snapped Hinata. "Tell me!"

"You're not in a position to be making demands," said Itachi thoughtfully.

"Shush," I said. "It's amusing to see how long it takes her to figure that out."

"You're quite evil," said Deidara approvingly.

"It's one of my finer qualities."

"I'd hate to see the rest of them, uhn."

Itachi sighed and decided to ignore Deidara and me. He instead turned his attentions to Hinata. He stood over her, his red eyes flashing dangerously. I had no clue what sort of things she was sees in his jutsu, but whatever it was, it terrified her. Her face changed from one of determined bitterness to absolute misery. But the time Itachi stepped away, Hinata was gasping for breath and tears were streaming down her face.

"You… what are you?" whispered Hinata. "A demon?"

Tobi knelt before Hinata and smiled, his left eyes crinkling with delight. "Nuh-uh. Hinata-chan needs to play nice. Itachi is just a nice senpai who wants to find Kate-chan."

I stepped forward and kicked Tobi in the side. "Move. It's my turn to deal with Hinata."

She glared at me, her white eyes flashing with newfound rage.

I sat down on the floor in front of her, my legs crossed. "Hi. My name's Hannah."

"Get away. I'm not telling you anything."

And then, I did it. I did what I'm so good at. I leaned forward until our faces were only inches apart and, under my breath, I murmured the most vile, loathsome threat I could think of. And, when I was done, I leaned back and observed Hinata with a warm smile splashed across my face.

"You're and evil bitch," she hissed.

"I quite agree," I said cheerfully. "Though, my evilness can hardly rival Leader. If you think I'm scary, you obviously haven't Leader yet."

She shuddered.

"So," I said. "Where's Kate?"

Hinata glared.

"I make good on my threats."

"She's been taken by an all-female organization called the Daughters of Darkness."

I beamed and patted Hinata on the head. "There's a good girl. So what can you tell me about the Daughters of Darkness?"

"That's such a lame name," said Deidara. "Why do we have to have an author who sucks so much when it comes to creativity, uhn?"

"Shut up," I snapped. "Quit breaking the fourth wall." Then, I turned my attention back to Hinata. "Tell me about the Daughters of Darkness."

"They were formed to fight against the evils of Seanova," said Hinata.

"That's what they say!"

I blinked and turned my attentions to Tsunade. Tsunade was standing in the corner, her arms wrapped around her body as if she was giving herself a comforting hug. She was still shaking, but her blue eyes were filled with hatred as she gazed at Hinata.

"The Daughters of Darkness might have originally formed to fight evil, but now it's just another power hungry organization that seeks for control over Seanova! You massacre the men of villages!"

"Men are evil!" screamed Hinata. "They beat women and rape us and exploit us!"

Tsunade drew herself to her full height. "The Daughters of Darkness killed my father."

"And this world destroyed my family!"

"Oh," said Deidara, leaning over to whisper in my ear. "Cat fight, uhn."

"Shut up," I said, pushing his head away. "Hinata. What do the Daughters of Darkness want with Kate?"

Hinata hesitated. "There was a prophecy… That a girl with short blond hair would come… She would be kind and generous… and she would have unfaithful friends. So when Ama was being stoned in the square for involvement in the Daughters of Darkness and Kate came to save her, Ama knew… that Kate had to be the one."

"What is Kate supposed to do?" I asked. "In the prophecy?"

"She's going to save Seanova from the Demon of Blood."

"Why?" exclaimed Deidara. "Why does our author have to have such crappy name!"

"Fine," I said, rolling my eyes. "Let's just call it the Demon of Hemoglobin."

"That's even worse, uhn."

"The Demon of Vital Fluids?"

"Okay, forget it."

I turned my attentions to Hianta. "So let me get this straight… Kate – our Kate – is going to save your world from this Demon of Vital Fluids?"

"The Demon of Blood," said Hinata. "Yes."

I'm not sure who laughed first – it might have been Tobi – but suddenly all of us were cracking up with fits of mirth. Deidara leant against the wall and banged his fist against the wood. Tobi was rolling about on the floor giggling maniacally, while I threw my head back and let out unrestrained guffaw. Even Itachi managed a small smirk.

"What's so fucking funny?" demanded Hinata.

"This is _Kate_ we're talking about," I said. "Kate can't even save herself."

Tobi nodded. "Kate-chan is so useless…"

"She can't be that bad," said C-Itachi.

"She is," said Itachi firmly. "I don't even know why we keep her around."

"Because Kisame would kill us if we got rid of her," said Deidara. "Though, to be honest, I don't feel like saving her, uhn."

"Yeah," I said, nodding in agreement. "Saving Kate would be too much effort."

"We need to save her!" cried C-Itachi.

Tsunade nodded. "Who knows what those Bitches of Darkness are doing to her?"

"Am I the only one who finds it funny that the boy-obsessed Kate ends up being kidnapped by an all-girl organization?" I asked.

"Sucks to be her, uhn."

"And you wonder why you're called unfaithful friends!" cried Hinata in outrage.

"We don't wonder," I said shrugging. "I think it'd be more productive to let the Daughters of Darkness look after Kate and see how long it takes them to realize how useless she is and return her." I glanced around the room and sighed. "Where's Kakuzu when you need to make a bet with him?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! I find it kind of amusing at how serious the first half of this chapter is (building up background and plot) and then the second half is all lols. Actually, as I read this chapter, I've come to realize what the overall plot is. YAY! Now I need to go work on finishing my outline so I can tell you how long this story is going to be. Yay! **

**Anyways, please review. Otherwise you will be attacked by the Demon of Hemoglobin - and, according to the stories, it leaves no survivors! **

**No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?**

**...CHEESE! **


	22. Immortality, Bitches

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Immortality, Bitches**

**Dessie**

I hate getting kidnapped. I don't even know why it always happens to me – I mean, I'm not the nicest person in the world! I kick and hit and bite my captors. I scream and swear at them. And, when that doesn't work, I make fun of them. I'm a bitch o kidnap – and I know it. So why does everyone have to come and kidnap me! Go kidnap Kate or something… she's as meek as a mouse and goes along with whatever the captor says.

"How you doing, Baby?"

I scowled. "Shut the hell up. I'm not your baby."

Durman pouted his lips and flicked his hair over his shoulder (so queer… so queer…). "Don't act like that, Baby."

I would have kicked him right between the legs – it was really tempting – but Durman and JoJoJoJoJoJo decided to tie me up, at least, according to Durman, until I realized my undying love for him and agreed to marry him. I glanced around the room. Durman and JoJoJoJo were friends with the innkeeper and she's given them a nice room with two queen-sized beds and a TV. Durman had tied me up to a chair and shoved me in the corner. Then, he sat down right in front of me and started telling me how much he loved me and how amazing I was. It's enough to make any girl barf.

"It's not happening, shithead," I said.

"But we were made for each other," said Durman. He reached out a hand to stroke my hair and I tried to bite his fingers off. He pulled his hand away from my gnashing teeth and frowned. "I don't like seeing you tied up, but when you're like that…"

"Don't lie," I said. "You like seeing me tied up – it turns you on."

Durman grinned. "Maybe a little…"

"Pervert."

"You're the one who brought it up!"

"That doesn't mean you should agree with me – I have no interest in perverts."

Durman sighed. "What kind of man are you interested in, Baby – I'll become anyone for you!"

"Freak."

"Seriously."

I considered for a moment. "Idiots with short hair, bad tempers, and violent personalities."

Durman cringed. "Not the hair! Can't you see the appeal to beautiful, luscious, long hair!"

"No. See. It will never work between us!"

"Baby," said Durman, his voice trembling in passion. "We'll make it work."

Before I could come up with a good response, the door to the room opened and the hulking JoJoJoJoJoJo walked in. He stood there, in all his ape glory, with a white bandage plastered across the bridge of his nose. It was a souvenir from one of my wild, violent fits during the kidnapping.

I smiled. "Welcome back, JoJoJoJo – blah-de-blah – Jo. How's your nose?"

JoJoJoJoJo ignored me.

"Personally, I think it looks better this way."

Tears welled up in JoJoJoJoJoJo's eyes. "Why are you mean like that? It' not nice."

"Because I think it's funny," I said cheerfully.

"JoJoJo," said Durman irritably. "Go away."

"You don't want me either?" asked JoJoJo, wiping away some tears.

"I am busy sorting out a little disagreement with my future wife," explained Durman impatiently.

"Er – this is more than a little disagreement," I said. "I – fucking – hate – you."

"Nothing we can't fix with a little couple's counseling!"

I sighed.

JoJoJo shot me a look of death and wiped the tears away from his eyes. Then, he turned on his heels and marched out of the room, leaving me alone, once again, with the frightfully queer Durman.

"So, Baby," said Durman. "I know a really good counselor."

"You're a fucking fag."

"He's on the odd side," continued Durman. "But he gets results, and I think you'll like him. He understand women, you know."

"Is he gay?" I asked.

Durman shrugged. "How would I know?"

"Because you two should be lovers."

Durman sighed. "Baby, don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be."

"Are you really part of the Ikustaka?" I asked.

"Yeah…"

"But aren't they supposed to be this hardcore criminal organization? What are they doing with a queer like you?"

Durman growled angrily. "I'm evil."

"No," I said. "You're not. Obviously you haven't met Itachi yet. Itachi is evil. Badass and evil – and really, really, really hot." I smiled dreamily. "Really… hot…"

"I'm hot!" cried Durman indignantly. "And evil. Way more evil than this Itachi will ever be!"

"Blasphemy!"

"You want to try me, Baby!" cried Durman, jumping to his feet and waving his fist in my face. "Do you want to try me!"

"You're nothing but a big, fat idiot!" I said. "I'm trying you – and I'm not seeing anything worth noticing!"

"I'll prove it!" howled Durman, his voice getting higher and higher pitched. "I'll show you just how evil and badass and hot I can be! And then, you'll be down on your knees begging me to marry you!"

"Over my dead body!"

Durman decided to ignore this last statement. Instead, he picked me up and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I screamed and struggled against the ropes that bound me, but they wouldn't budge.

Durman patted my ass and said, "Are you ready for the show?"

"Fucking fag…" I muttered. "All guys are fucking fags…"

* * *

><p>"<em>I crave the flesh of that sacred crow – charred and dripping in fat – I love the sight of that baby lamb – spinning on the rack. – I say, burn, burn – burn, baby, burn<em>!"

If my hands were tied securely behind my back, I would be slapping the palm of my head against my forehead right now. Instead, you'll have to use your vivid imaginations to picture me doing the world's biggest facepalm.

Durman, however, was yet to notice my exasperation. He was grinning demonically from ear to ear and skipping around the rooftop, clapping his hands and singing The Dictators' "Burn, Baby, Burn!" at the top of his lungs. I stood behind him, my arms and legs bound tightly, imagining the humiliation if any of the Akatsuki saw me now – I was kidnapped by _him_!

"_My guitar players likes to know the bone – and suck the marrow out – he plays a Marshall stack twenty feet tall – and grills a porter house – I say, burn, burn – burn, baby, burn!_"

"You're a freak," I announced.

"A whole city," said Durman proudly. "I annihilated a whole city in less than three hours."

"Lame," I said. "Leader could wipe out half the world in a matter of seconds – and Itachi in even less time than that."

"Itachi is a faggot."

"Say that after he sharingans your ass."

"What?" Durman stopped his dancing and turned to stare at me in confusion.

"Exactly. He's badass like that."

In the streets below us, as the city burned, the citizens ran about, screaming. Smoke billowed in the air, rising in dark fumes from the crackling flames. Even from my spot on the highest rooftop, I could feel the blazing heat from the fiery inferno. I watched, unemotionally, as the citizens – mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, lovers, children, friends – fled their hometown into the surrounding hills.

"Why?" I asked.

"Huh?" Durman glanced over his shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

"It's so pointless…"

"What?"

I rolled my eyes. "If you're going to wipe out an entire fucking town, you should at least have a plausible reason. For the sake of art… A sacrifice to Lord Jashin… For the greater good… Because your hungry… To earn money… There should at least be some remotely plausible reason!"

Durman stared. "I just proved to you my evilness – aren't you impressed?"

I fought against the ropes that bound me, drawing blood around my wrists. "Hell no! Who would be impressed with just this? Go win a fucking war for me – then I'll be impressed. Teach me immortality, so _just in case_ I get in trouble, I won't die. Don't be a fucking pointless queer who burns cities to watch the inhabitants squirm – you might have killed some Hotties in this fire!"

"Hotties…?"

My right eye twitched. "Don't mess with my Hotties, you fucker!"

And right about then and arrow hit me in the shoulder.

The pure shock of the blow caused me to topple over. My head smashed against the concrete roof, and, I think, a gash opened up on my right temple, spilling red liquid onto the ground below me.

"Ow…" I groaned.

"Are you alright, Baby?" asked Durman, rushing to my side.

"Get the hell away from me, I'm fine," I said, squirming to sit upright. Blood was spilling from the wound in my shoulder. Durman gripped the shaft of the arrow and, before I could think, he yanked the arrow out of me, bringing a flood of red liquid with it. I shuddered in pain, but, moments later, the wound began to heal itself. Now, I don't know about you, but having your body heal itself rapidly is the most uncomfortable and painful experience even. It's agonizing as your skin stitches itself back together – almost more painful that being stabbed in the first place.

"There," I said, when the healing was done. "As good as new – now get away from me."

Durman didn't hear me. His eyes were fixed somewhere behind me, his expression grim.

I glanced over my shoulder and tried to catch a glimpse of what had captured Durman's attention. I lost my balance and toppled over again. However, I landed facing the direction of three men.

One of the men I recognized as JoJoJoJoJo. His short brown hair was ruffled and messy and his clothes were scorched from the flames. He was covered in a thin layer of sweat induced by the heat of the fire.

On JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo's left, was a tall, rail-thin man who was practically bald. He wore a blind fold over his eyes, his round nose peaking out beneath the black fabric. He was dressed like a monk, with thick brown robes tied at the waist with a rope and, in his right hand, he held a knobbly wooden staff.

To the opposite side of JoJoJoJo was a short, broad shouldered man clad entirely in black. He had black pants, black books, and a black jacket, with a black hood pulled up over black hair. He had this whole dark aura around him. If there was one word I could use to describe him, it would be "black" (real creative, I know).

"What are you doing here?" asked Durman coldly.

"We could sense the smoke from miles away," said Mr. Monk Man.

"And you came to help?"

"We came to see who was causing the ruckus. We should have known it was you – only you could be this stupid."

"Finally!" I said, the side of my face smushed against the concrete. "Someone who agrees with me!"

Mr. Monk Man noticed my existence for the first time (impressive considering he was blind) and did a double take. "Durman… Who is this?"

"My future wife," said Durman proudly. "She's fantastic isn't she?"

"She looks sort of…lopsided…" said Blackie.

"And even lopsided I look a thousand times better than you," I snapped. "Ugly."

"She's always mean like this," said JoJoJoJoJoJoJo sadly.

"Now, now, play nice, Baby," said Durman, patting the side of my head comfortingly.

"Why is she here?" asked Mr. Monk Man.

I struggled to sit up again (unfortunately, I needed Durman's help), but once I had regained some of my dignity, I glared at Mr. Monk Man and Blackie. "The question is – who are _you_?"

"They're also members of the Ikustaka," explained Durman. "The monk is Aram and the other is the Crow."

I blinked. "The Crow?"

Blackie stared at me underneath his hood.

A wry grin spread across my face. "That's great! It's almost lamer than JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo! The Crow! Who do you think you are? Someone scary?" I let out a shriek of laughter and – so overcome with mirth – I fell over again and rolled about on the floor.

The Crow looked ready to shit himself with rage.

"You're such a poof!" I cried. "One of those poof who thinks that by giving yourself such a lame-ass name like _the Crow_ will suddenly make you cool! Ah! So lame!"

The Crow didn't say anything. He simply pulled a knife out of his side-bag and plunged the blade into my chest right where my heart ought to be (I'm not really sure if it's there).

…

Yeah, I'm confused to.

Not about the possible-lack-of-a-heart-part, the bit where he randomly stabs me.

"What the hell, man!" I cried, the blood dribbling down my chest. "Way to ruin a perfectly good shirt! And that fucking hurts!"

They stared.

And stared.

And stared.

"Why aren't you dead?" asked Aram.

I rolled my eyes. "Immortal, bitches. Get with the band wagon here – everyone's doing it."

Durman grinned proudly. "That's my future wifey!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: We started reading Paradise Lost in English class - I love it to pieces. Only on Book Two so far, but Satan is badass, poor guy. All he does is rebel against God and his whole existence goes to hell... literally. Anyways, Dessie has a moment of empathy for the rest of humanity... It's a sign of the apocalypse! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Run for your lives! Not even the Love Square can save us! **

**... Um... I need to go to bed. Right now... Before I destroy humanity as we know it.**

**And some bitch messed with my coffee today. She made me throw out a full mug of black coffee and it pissed me off. No one - and I mean NO ONE -fucks with my coffee.**

**Nothing really went on in this chapter except that Durman and Dessie talked and Aram and The Crow showed up. Yep. And they burned a town to ashes - but no one really cares about that. **

**Review. Otherwise Durman will watch you burn, bitches!**


	23. Daughters of Darkness

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Daughters of Darkness**

**Kate**

I think that I had been dreaming about chickens. Nice chickens, good chickens – one chicken in particular. Mr. Nibbles… I dreamt of the good old days when I was six-years-old and spending the summer playing on my grandparent's chicken farm. Why is it that I've always had a sort of affinity for chickens? I loved all chickens (but not roosters, roosters always scared me with their crowing). Mr. Nibbles, however, was special. He was strong and proud and majestic and handsome and just all around wonderful. We spent so many days together over the summer… We played games and laughed (well… I laughed, but I'm sure if he could Mr. Nibbles would have laughed too). Anyways, it was one of the best summers in my life.

Until… The bull. That bull was a b-u-t-t-h-o-l-e. I was just walking across the paddock in a short cut back to the farmhouse from my day at the henhouse and the bull just happened to be there. And he didn't like me. He charged. I screamed. I ran. He chased. I thought he was going to kill me… then, the heroic, fantastic Mr. Nibbles showed up. I'll never forget that moment – like a superhero (without the cape) – Mr. Nibbles stood between me and the bull. He squawked. Once. And then turned tail and ran. The bull chased after him…

The world grew dark. My dream seemed to melt away…

And then I woke up, the world with Mr. Nibbles was all a dream. He was dead. That b-u-t-t-h-o-l-e bull killed him.

I sniffled and wiped a tear away from my eye. Then, sitting up, I realized that I was not in the Akatsuki hideout.

"Hello?" I called out timidly.

Then, it all flashed through my mind – the mountain, the spiders, the zombies, Madara, Seanova, C-Itachi, the kidnapping. I squeaked and instinctively pulled my knees to my chest. The sheets that covered me fell away, revealing my blue jeans and bare feet. I was sitting in a bed – more of a cot really – in a small room. The room was, for the most part, dark, but a small ray of light fell through a crack in the window, illuminating part of the room. The room was fairly plain. Wooden walls, wooden floors, with a patterned rug spread across the ground. The bed was pulled into the corner next to a small table with a lamp on it.

Timidly, I reached out a hand and switched on the lamp. The light flashed and I blinked away the impending blindness.

"Where am I?" I murmured.

As if on cue, the door opened and two young women stepped inside. One was rather plain faced, with some serious acne issues. Her watery eyes made it seem like she was about to burst into tears (and maybe she was). The other was mildly pretty, with long brown hair and green eyes. They were both dressed entirely in black.

"Go find Madam Ama," said the pretty girl daintily. The other girl nodded and left, closing the door tightly behind her.

I realized I was shaking. I grabbed hold of the bed sheets and pulled them up over my legs, as if they offered me some sort of protection. Then, I said in a trembling voice, "Who are you? Where am I? What's going on?"

"Don't be afraid, Lady, " said the girl softly. "I'm Elise."

"Er… Lady?" I asked. "I'm Kate… Just Kate."

"Nice to meet you, Lady Kate," said Elise with a smile. "I hope you find your stay here to be quite pleasant."

"Um… I was _kidnapped_ wasn't I?"

"We saved you," explained Elise. "From those unfaithful and treacherous people."

"Unfaithful and treacherous people?" I asked blankly. "You mean my friends?"

"How can you call those friends?" asked Elise, her voice filled with horror.

"Well, they may seem about crude… and violent… and murderous… and criminally insane… But they're nice people on the inside, really… Actually, they're not. They're cold-hearted and cruel… But they're, um, they're…"

"You can't make any excuses for them," said Elise icily. "They're evil. Madam Ama told us all. Your friends are criminals! Villains! Come to take over Seanova!"

"Not really…" I said. "They really just came here because of a glowing orange orb… My fault."

Elise decided to ignore this comment and continued to rant about how despicable and vile the Akatsuki were. However, I didn't have time to respond as the door to my room opened and the watery-eyed girl entered, Behind her came the old woman from the square – the one who I had saved from being stoned to death. Like the girls, the woman was dressed entirely in black. Her withered, wrinkled face stretched into a wide grin at the sight of me.

"We meet again," she said softly.

"Uh… hi?"

"Are you comfortable?"

"I guess so…" I patted the mattress. "I'd be more comfortable at home though… Where I'm not surrounded by kidnappers – not that I'm complaining," I added quickly, "I just miss my friends."

The old lady scoffed. "Friends? What friends? They're treacherous."

I sighed. "So I've heard… But… They did you kidnap me…"

"To rescue you from such dangerous people."

"I've lived with them for over a year," I said. "I hardly think their dangerousness matters to me now. I'm sort of used to it."

She nodded gravely. Then, glancing over her shoulder, she nodded at the two girls and they left. Elize gave me a small farewell wave before closing the door behind her. The old lady turned to regard me grimly. "Kate… It is time I tell you of you destiny."

I blinked. "My destiny? Is it to save the chickens of the world from evil bulls?"

The old lady stared. "No…"

"Oh."

"You are the Lady Chosen, the savior of my people."

Silence.

"I am the leader of a group known as the Daughters of Darkness. We are an organization formed over a hundred years ago by women who survived the raiding and sacking of their home villages. While all the men were killed, the women were raped and tormented – however, they were allowed to live. These women banded together and formed the Daughters of Darkness, determined to correct the wrongs of this world. I lead this group now."

Silence.

"Twenty years ago, a prophecy was made about the arrival of a young woman with blond hair, blue eyes, and unfaithful friends. She would be kind and honest and just, but she would be accompanied by evil. But this girl, this Lady Chosen, would save Seanova – and our people – from the Demon of Blood."

Silence.

"The Demon of Blood is said to be evil incarnated. As dark as night, as enraged as fire, and as insane as the moon, the Demon of Blood would destroy our home and, eventually, threaten the very existence of our world. But the Demon will not succeed, because the Lady Chosen will stop the monstrosity."

Silence.

"Lady Kate…?" Ama stared at me nervously. "I know it's a lot to take in…"

A giggled escaped my lips and, for a moment, it sat in the room, followed by a dead quiet. Then, I grasped my stomach and doubled over, cracking up with body-shaking laughter.

"What's so funny?" asked Ama.

"Me?" I shrieked between laughs. "Me? Save… the… world!" My laughter doubled.

"Why is that funny?"

"Because it's me. I'm pathetic. I can't save anyone – I couldn't even save a chicken!" My laughter shifted to tears as the memory of Mr. Nibbles came to mind. I sat on the bed, the sheets pulled up to my waist, laughing and crying all at once while Ama stared at me in mute horror.

"Er… I should, um, go…" said Ama awkwardly.

"Mr. Nibbles!" I wailed. "Why am I so pathetic!" I laughed. "Can you imagining me saving the world! From the Demon of Blood! Jashin… Warg… God! That's so scary! I don't even believe it!"

Ama quickly headed towards the door. She practically threw it open and stepped outside. She had barely been gone a minute when Elise slipped back into the room (maybe Ama was afraid I might go crazy or something).

"Are you okay?" asked Elise.

I nodded, wiping away my tears. "It's just really funny."

"So why are you crying?"

I shrugged. "I'm insane."

"Do you… not want to stay here?" asked Elise. She sounded almost miserable.

"Well…" I said. "I don't think any of us actually know where our home is – not even Leader. But I want to see my friends… I haven't seen my boyfriend in almost a month!"

"You have a boyfriend?"

I grinned, the memory of my blue, blue boyfriend instantly cheering me up. "Yep. Don't you?"

"Most women in the Daughters of Darkness aren't involved with men…"

I gasped, my jaw dropping wide open in horror. "How do you _survive_? Guys… Are guys…"

"You have a boyfriend…"

"That doesn't mean I can't be attracted to other guys… Dessie would throw a fit. She couldn't live without her Hotties… This would be more Hannah's thing… But she'd be bored if she didn't have a Deidara to torment."

"Dessie? Hannah?"

"Insane. More insane than me. And they're evil."

"Then why do you want to go back to them?"

I picked at a loose strong on the seam of my jeans. "Because they're my friends. All of them. Even that psychotic split personality Zetsu who wants to eat me… I want to see them again…."

"But we need you here…" said Elise softly.

* * *

><p>The Daughters of Darkness decided to greet me properly. As it turned out, they lived in a small village between two mountains. I didn't know the exact location in relation to Ahonok, but it couldn't have been too far away since I had only been asleep for a day. Of course, it was hard to pry any detailed information out of the Daughters (even when they were drunk).<p>

They brought me to the big bonfire in the middle of the village my first night there and gave me a seat of honor. They fed me and gave me alcohol. I ate and drank and had fun. Elise was my constant companion, always chattering away. I couldn't help but notice, however, that Ama kept her distance.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"No…" said Elise slowly.

"So why is she avoiding me?"

Elise shrugged. "She's always had this very firm image of what the Lady Chosen should be like. She might be… er…"

"Disappointed?" I suggested.

"I was going to say surprised."

"Sure you were."

After the meal had ended, the entertainment began. Several Daughters dressed in black with dark paints decorating their faces came out to form a circle around the fire. A few other Daughters brought out instruments and began to play a tune, which they danced to. The dance was pretty – filled with swirls and twirls and flips and spins – I enjoyed it immensely.

That was, of course, until one of them extended her hand to me and invited me to join the dance.

I suck at dancing. End of story.

Dessie used to drag me out of the dance floor during Homecoming and Prom in high school just so she could laugh at my coordination (or lack thereof). She would waltz around me shouting "Here comes Kate the Lummox who dances like a bull in a China shop!" (I'm not kidding here).

However, the Daughters of Darkness did not take no for an answer. They forced me to dance and, unfortunately, they had to pay the consequences, I tripped and accidentally landed on one of the tables, knocking it over and spilling floor all over Ama and her elderly friends. The Daughters just laughed it off and continued to dance with me. It wasn't until I stumbled into one of the Daughters and she stepped onto the hot coal at the base of the fire that they decided it was best for me to just sit down.

"I warned you…" I muttered as I went back to join Elise at the table of honor.

"It's okay," she said. "Not everyone is blessed with dancing talent."

I didn't need super hearing to know what the Daughters were saying about me – _this was the girl who was going to save the world_?

"That's what I've been telling you," I said gloomily. "I'm useless. I just want to go home."

Elise patted me awkwardly on the shoulder. "I'm sure they'll come a rescue you."

I laughed. "That's even more unbelievable than the idea of me saving the world."

"You have really shitty friends, don't you?"

"Yep."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ahhhhhh Poor Kate... I had a bad weekend. Both my teams (Saints and Packers) lost in the playoffs while both were favored to win... What are the odds! Urg. Urg. Urg. So I spent Saturday and Monday watching chick flicks and eating cereal (it was the closest thing to comfort food we had in the house). Yeah... But guess what! FRIDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! (It's nice to be young enough to get excited about these things still). So I hope you enjoy this chapter and - as a birthday present - REVIEW!**

**(review or you'll get bad karma when YOUR birthday comes around)**


	24. Bar Fights and Rumors

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Bar Fights and Rumors**

**Hannah**

"She's a little bitch," announced Deidara irritably. "Why won't she just tell us where the Daughters of Darkness are hiding?"

"Because she doesn't know," I explained wearily. "She can't tell us something she doesn't know."

"Yes, she can," said Deidara.

"You know that made no sense, don't you?"

"What are you talking about, uhn?"

"Don't play dumb with me."

"She's right you know," said Sasori. He was sitting on top of a low brick wall looking down on us as we argued for the hundredth time. "Deidara, it's wrong for a bitch to rebel against his master."

I snorted and jerked a thumb in Sasori's direction. "Why did he have do die? I like this guy."

"Tobi didn't die. Does Hannah-Nunu like Tobi?"

"No."

Tobi looked like he was about to cry, water welling up in his visible right eye. "Why is Hannah-Nunu so mean to Tobi!"

"She's mean to everyone," said Deidara. "She's just this little ball of evil."

"I pride myself on that."

The six of us, Itachi, C-Itachi, Sasori, Tobi, Deidara, and me, were sitting on the edge of a park. Sasori was perched on the brick wall, while the rest of us stood beneath. Tobi sat on the grass by a flower bed and attempted to make yet another flower crown for me. Deidara and continued our dispute while the other looked on in slight amusement.

"Why do you two always fight so much?" asked C-Itachi curiously.

"Because she's evil," said Deidara. "Her goal in life is to make mine a living hell."

"Is it working?" I asked.

"No."

"Liar," said Sasori, running his fingers through his red hair.

"Shut up."

We had left the inn early today and went about town searching for clues as to where the Daughters of Darkness might have set up camp, since Hinata refused to tell us (even my threats hadn't worked). The Akatsuki really had no interest in finding Kate, and I couldn't really blame them, but C-Itachi had complained for so long and, combined with boredom, we all set out to find clues about Kate. After a good eight hours of searching, we turned up with nothing. So, we decided to take a rest in the park before trying again tonight. Of course, Deidara had insisted a bar would be a better lace for rest, but Itachi and I both agreed that a bar stop would bring an end to our investigation all together.

As the sun started to hang lower in the sky, Itachi announced, rather abruptly, that it was time to continue the search. We split into two groups: Deidara, Itachi, and Tobi, and Sasori, C-Itachi, and me. My group headed to the south side of town where the seedier sections of Ahonok existed. The buildings were run down and the streets smelled of excrements. The people who mulled about in the streets looked as filthy as they smelt and their grubby hands reached out towards us, begging for food and money.

"Is there, um, a bar around here?" I asked.

"Why?" asked C-Itachi. "Thought the other me said no bars."

"We're not going to drink," I said. "We're going to gather information. What better place to hear people talk?"

Sasori nodded. "I'm not interested in getting drunk."

"Me neither." I rolled my eyes. "This one time I got drunk… And then that time… And that time… Yeah. I don't get drunk anymore."

Sasori coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'alcoholic', but I couldn't be sure. I didn't bother to explain to him that my alcohol consumption compared to the rest of the Akatsuki made me look completely sober.

We found a crooked looking bar and slipped inside, trying not to draw attention to ourselves. However most of the people who came here knew each other like the backs of theirs hands, and the three of us stuck out like a sore thumb. We slid into a booth and order a sake each and that was it.

"Can I help you?"

A thick necked man with a curly black beard and beady eyes came to stand to the head of our table. His pot-belly was only a few inches away from my head and I could smell a foul odor coming from him.

"With what?" I asked curiously.

"You know what."

"Obviously she doesn't," said Sasori, sounding almost bored. "Otherwise she wouldn't have asked."

"Don't play games with me."

"We're not," said C-Itachi. "We really don't know what you're talking about."

"Maybe he wants us to hire him," I said thoughtfully. "To paint the fence or something."

The man's face began to turn a light shade of pink.

"What fence?" asked Sasori.

His face stared turning a bright red.

"Cook?" I asked. I glanced at the man and said, in the direction of his pot-belly, "Are you any good in the kitchen?"

The face was now purple with rage bubbling just beneath the surface.

"I don't think so," said Sasori.

"Sorry, sir," I said, with a pleasant smile. "Your services aren't needed today."

"I'm not your fucking maid!" roared the man.

I blinked. "I know. I just said we don't need you today. Why are you still standing there?"

A hideous scowl crossed his face and he made a crude gesture in our general direction. He leaned over and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt (a real original move, you know) and practically lifted me out of my seat.

"What did you just say, bitch?"

"I wouldn't do this if I were you."

"Are you threatening me?" he growled.

"No."

It wasn't me who had spoken. It was Sasori. Slowly, with his innocent, sixteen year old face, he got to his feet and surveyed the man wearily. "She's not threatening you. I am."

"You!" snarled the man. He dropped me back into my seat and formed a fist with his right hand as he turned to address Sasori. "You're even more pathetic than she is."

"Really?" said Sasori. "What's that behind you?"

The man didn't have time to look as the blade of one of Sasori's puppets slit open a hole in the man's shoulder. The cut wasn't deep, but, knowing Sasori, it was enough. The man gasped and clutched the wound, gasping for air while pain shuddered through his body.

"Pleasant, isn't it," said Sasori with an eerie smile. "The poison is spreading through your veins."

Foam was forming at the man's lips and he gasped for air. He legs buckled beneath him and he fell to the ground twitching at Sasori's feet.

"I warned you," I said.

The entire bar was dead silence. People were staring at us in horror. The barmaid's jaw was somewhere at about floor level and some men were half way out of their seats, wondering if they should come and stop us. I smiled at them all and waved. The men lowered themselves back into the seats and turned to whoever was next to them and started up a hurried conversation.

"Scared me shitless. They killed him so easily…"

"Heartless…"

"People like that should be locked up."

"Are they members of the Ikustaka?"

I stopped and glanced sideways at Sasori and C-Itachi. Neither of them showed any signs of hearing what I'd just heard. Sasori was sipping his sake quietly while C-Itachi looked ready to shit his pants. I sighed and turned to address the room.

"Did someone just saw Akatsuki?"

Silence.

"Speak. Whoever just asked if we're members of the Akatsuki – speak."

Silence.

"Don't make me set Sasori on you."

A chubby man raised a trembling hand into the air. "Uh… I just asked if you were members of the Ikustaka…"

"Ikustaka?" I asked. "Who are they?"

"Um… A criminal organization that terrorizes towns for money and booze… No one's been able to handle them…"

"But did you hear," said someone from the other side of the bar (a thin, elder man with a silver beard). "In Elberi some people fought two Ikustaka members and in the end the Iksutaka went running away with some broad."

I blinked. "Who fought them?"

The old man hesitated. "A group… a guy with lots of piercings… a woman with blue hair… er… a plant-man and a guy with lots of stitches… a blue man and, um, some crazy guy who talks about his god all the time… That's what the rumors said, wasn't it?" He glanced at the people around him for some support and they nodded enthusiastically.

"Really?" I asked. "You're not lying?"

The old man shook his head violently, terrified that I might sic Sasori on him (Sasori makes for a wonderful threat).

A grin spread across my face as I turned back to C-Itachi and Sasori. "We need to find the others."

"Why?" asked C-Itachi curiously.

"Because," I said. "I just found the rest of the Akatsuki."

* * *

><p>"You're kidding, right?" said Deidara.<p>

I shook my head. "The rest of the Akatsuki are here. In some town called Elberi. They fought some criminally organization called the Ikustaka."

We were back at the inn, standing in our room with Tsunade and the bound and gagged Hinata (no one wanted to listen to her swearing and cursing at the moment). Tsunade and C-Itachi looked anxious at the discovery of the rest of the Akatsuki, while the rest of us (excluding Hinata) were quite eager.

"Isn't Ikustaka Akatsuki spelled backwards?" asked Itachi.

"It sounds like the sort of lame shit and alternate reality would pull, uhn," said Deidara thoughtfully.

"Exactly," I said. "And the old man described the other Akatsuki members perfectly… Except Dessie. He didn't mention her…"

"Maybe Dessie got left behind," said Deidara, smirking. "She'll be sitting at the hideout in our reality all by herself… Bored out of her mind…"

"Don't think about it," I said, shaking my head. "Imagine if that really did happen. She'd throw a fit and destroy half of the Fence. We just bought that damn hideout too."

Tobi giggled delightedly. "Dessie-Nunu would hate to be left behind. She'd miss out on all the fun."

"So… we're going to leave for Elberi?" asked Sasori.

"I guess so," I said. "Well, Itachi, Tobi, Deidara, and I are…"

"I'm going," said Sasori bluntly. "It's either that or jail again. If I have to see that pink-haired brat time or her scarred father one more time, I will kill everyone."

"Er… Yeah. Sasori can come too," I said, nodding my head in form agreement.

Deidara tried to hide his smile of happiness.

"I'm coming too," said C-Itachi firmly. "I want to find Kate as quickly as possible."

"Kate?" asked Sasori.

"The blond girl who was kidnapped by the Daughters of Darkness and we were trying to find out about them when we discovered the rest of the Akatsuki," I supplied helpfully.

"Oh right. Her."

"Is it just me or do I detect resentment, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Why do you say 'uhn' all the time?" asked Sasori. "It's annoying. Stop it."

"I don't say 'uhn' all the time, uhn."

I smirked. "Hate to break it to you – well not really – but you do kind of say 'uhn' all the time… Like after every single sentence…"

"Lies." Deidara paused and thought about it. "I didn't say 'uhn' after that sentence, uhn."

"Okay," I said. "Allow me to correct myself. You say 'uhn' after every _other_ sentence. Because, you know, that's just so much better."

"Then it's only fifty percent of the time," said Deidara. "I just cut my numbers in half."

"Remind me why we're talking about this," I said.

"I forgot, uhn."

On the other side of the room, Tsunade did a face palm. "Well," she said. "I'm not coming, I have an inn to run."

"Good," said Itachi. "You can take care of Hinata. We don't need her any more."

"She's more like useless baggage," supplied Deidara.

"We could always kill her," said Sasori.

"We're not killing her!" cried C-Itachi in horror. "Bad Sasori! You've had enough killing for one day! Down, Boy, down!"

"What am I," asked Sasori, "A dog?"

"Something along those lines," said Deidara. "I think you're a cocker spaniel."

"He'd be a pit-bull," I said. "And then you'd be a Chihuahua that just yaps all day and doesn't shut up so the pit-bull comes along and sits on your and squishes you. The end. Now can we get back to the main topic already?"

"We're going to Elberi," said C-Itachi. "To meet up with the rest of the Akatsuki and then find Kate."

"Right…"

"Do we have to save her?" asked Sasori.

"It's annoying," I said. "But Kisame would kill us if we just left her…"

"We have to save her!" cried C-Itachi. "What if they're torturing her and hurting her right now!"

"They think she's the savior of the world," I said. "They're hardly going to kill her. If anything they'll treat her like a pampered princess."

"It'll be fine if we leave her for now," said Itachi calmly. "We should find the rest of the Akatsuki before they leave Elberi and then we'll turn our attention to Kate."

"There we go," I said. "Itachi, always the voice of reason."

Tobi thrust his hand in the air and waved it about wildly.

"Er… Tobi?" I asked.

"Tobi has a question."

"Yeah?"

"Where's Elberi?"

A kind of dead silence filled the room as everyone glanced around awkwardly, silently asking the question. Tsunade was shaking her head and Deidara stood there, scratching the top of his head cluelessly. Finally, C-Itachi found the nerve to answer Tobi:

"That's a good question…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Meh. One of those transition chapters... I tried to throw humor in it, but the main point is - they're going to find the rest of the Akatsuki! Yay! And now... I should go write Dessie's next chapter... hmm...**

**Review or Hannah will set Sasori on you! And he shows no mercy. His face may be absolutely adorable, but secretly... he's... a... killer... (dundundun!)**


	25. The Ways of Jashin

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The Ways of Jashin**

**Dessie**

"I'm bored…"

"Shut up."

"But I'm bored."

"I don't care."

"You should care."

"But I don't."

"You're an asshole."

"So I've heard."

I groaned and rolled over on the grass. My hands and legs were bound together tightly and, no matter how much I squirmed, I couldn't wiggle free. Durman and JoJoJoJoJoJo had gone out scouting and I was left at the camp alone with the Crow and Aram. The Crow spoke very little and glared at me most of the time. Aram, on the other hand, couldn't glare because he was wearing his stupid blindfold. Unfortunately, he couldn't cover up his ears and he had spent the last fifteen minutes listening to my complaints.

"Are you always this annoying?" he asked irritably.

"Yes. You can ask any of the Akatsuki – I'm one awful bitch."

Aram snorted. "I know bitches. The Iksutaka is led by the queen bitch and there is no way you can possibly compete with her."

"Oh?" I said, rolling over on the ground so I could stare up at the bandages that covered Aram's eyes. "There's a bitch you think it bitchier than me? Now this I got to see. And by that I mean meet her, kick her ass, and then take my title back."

"Good luck with that," said Aram. "She will murder you alive and eat your heart for dinner."

"What is this?" I asked. "Snow White? Am I Snow White – surrounded by little perverted men – and she's the evil queen who stands in front of a mirror and goes 'mirror, mirror, on the wall who is the fairest of them all?' And then the mirror replies 'Sorry, whore, but Dessie is the hottest bitchin' babe of them all.' And, because she's so jealous of my good looks and wonderfully sculpted chest, Queen Bitch Wannabe tried to kill me in all these pathetic ways, but then my Princely-Hottie kisses me awake and we made Queen Bitch Wannabe dance to death in fiery iron shoes?"

…

"What the fuck?"

I stopped and thought about what I just said. "Hey, it made sense in my head."

"I think the sense was lost from the transition from you brain to your mouth."

"That tends to happen a lot…"

The Crow yawned. He was stretched across the massive tree roots of an old oak that reached towards the sky (one of many in this vast forest). He looked rather bored with the whole affair and seemed more interested in sleeping than actually making sure I didn't escape.

"How do you stand being his partner?" I asked.

Aram grinned. "You get used to it after awhile."

"But…" I said. "The Crow… Who the hell came up with a name like the Crow?"

Aram hesitated and then lowered his voice so that only I could hear. "I think he came up with it himself…"

The words had barely come out of Aram's mouth when a knife came flying through the air and – barely missing Aram's nose – embedded itself in the trunk of a tree nearby. He leapt (even if he was blind, he could sense things) and then said, darkly, "Were you trying to kill me, Crow?"

From his spot at the base of the tree, the Crow shifted and said, "If I were trying to kill you, you'd be dead."

"Well that's lame," I said. "Even lamer than your name. It was a yes or no question. Don't try to be all mysterious with your 'if I wanted to, you'd be dead already' shit. No one gives a damn about it."

The Crow glared at him. His scowl distorted the tattoos on his face, making him look like some sort of boogie monster that hides under kids' beds. I smiled. "I would wave, but my hands are tied up. Are you having fun?"

The Crow ignored me.

"He just trying to look tough," I said to Aram cheerfully. "I'm sure on the inside he's a big marshmallow."

Aram rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he's not."

"What would you know," I said.

"Well… He has been my partner in crime for two years."

"Maybe so," I said. "But I have this special talent of amazing insight – and I can see his fluffy inside. All sweet and gooey… Mmmmm… I'm kind of hungry now. Crow! Come over here so I can taste your yummy-yummy marshmallow innards."

…

"Yeah, I get that reaction a lot."

"Are you really a member of a criminal organization?" asked Aram.

"I think," I said. "The real question is – are _you_ really a member of a criminally organization?"

"Um…yes?"

"Oh. Okay then."

"What about you?"

I shrugged. "Only on bad days."

"What are you on good days?"

"A whore."

"Really?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Er… yes…"

I blinked and then a slow grin spread over my face. "Okay, okay, bad question. Yes, I'm a member of a criminally organization. I'm the apprentice Jashinist."

"Apprentice?"

"I've only been a Jashinist for six months… My _master_," (the word made me laugh), "has plenty of years on me."

"But your immortal."

"Yep. Immortal and badass – it's like a mandatory quality of a Jashin-followers… That and being sexy as hell… And swearing a lot… And being hot-headed… And violent… But mainly the immortal, badass, and sexy part…"

"Right…"

I didn't have a chance to say any more to Aram, since, through a gap in the trees, came Durman and JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo. They came to halt in front of Aram. Durman smiled fondly at me, squatted on the ground beside me, and proceeded to pet my head as if I was some sort of puppy dag. JoJoJoJo, however, glanced at Aram and said, "She wasn't too mean to you, was she?"

"She was… interesting…" said Aram thoughtfully.

"Thanks," I said. "I'll take that as a compliment. Now can you get this queer freak off of me!"

Aram kicked Durman lightly and Durman moved away from me, looking positively heart broken.

"So what do you have to report?" asked the Crow. He had finally gotten up from his bed amongst the tree roots and he came to stand beside JoJoJoJoJo – determinedly keeping a distance from me.

"We found a village," said JoJoJoJoJo.

"A village?" asked the Crow, a twisted smile crossing his face. "What kind of village?"

"A poor country village," said Durman cheerfully. "With lots of women."

"Oh," said Aram, sitting up excitedly. "Lots of women? My favorite kind of village."

"What are you doing chasing after poor village women when you have a perfect specimen of the female gender right here?" I asked, wriggling about seductively on the ground (hard to do with your hands and feet bound, but I thought I pulled it off pretty well).

"Er… Do you want us to attack you or something?" asked Aram (not that he could see my suggestive poses).

"Well," I said. "Not particularly. But I'm insulted you're not tempted by my hotness."

Aram opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a word out, Durman leapt between Aram and me and cried, "She's mine, asshole!"

"And that, Dessie," said Aram. "Is why I can't call you a Hottie."

"That and he can't see," added JoJoJoJoJo.

Aram smirked. "Please, a true man like me doesn't need to see a woman to know she's sexy as hell."

I grinned. "I like him. Why couldn't you kidnap me from the Akatsuki and propose – I would much rather marry you than this queer."

Aram shrugged. "I'd cheat on you on our honeymoon."

"That's okay," I said. "I'd make out with the first Hottie I saw. Screw marriage vows."

JoJoJoJoJo slapped his forehead. "They're like birds of a feather."

"No!" cried Durman, wrapping his arms around my head. "She's mine! Mine I tell you!"

"Anyways," said the Crow. "What are we going to do about the village?"

"Oh right," said Durman.

"Can I go?" I asked eagerly.

"No."

"Why not?" I asked, whining a little. "I need to make some sacrificed to Jashin. I haven't made any in a long time and he doesn't like to be ignored."

"You _want_ to go massacre a village?" asked JoJoJoJoJo confusedly.

"Didn't you hate Durman for burning an entire town on dust a few days ago?" asked Aram.

"Yeah, because he burned the village for no reason at all. He might have damaged a beautiful Hottie – and that – _that_ is just unforgivable. I will never forgive anyone who hurts a Hottie… Well, there was Dark-Hottie… When Bloody-Hottie killed him, bit I forgave Bloody-Hottie because Bloody-Hottie was just that hot."

…

"You'll just run away if we let you go massacre the village," said JoJoJoJoJo.

"I won't, I promise," I said. "How about you give me a ten minute head start and then you come and kill everyone else!"

The Ikustaka exchanged thoughtful glances.

"I'm kind of curious to see her fight," said Aram.

"That's my woman," said Durman appreciatively.

"Untie me," I demanded. "Give me my spikes and let me unleash hell on this town filled with women who are supposedly more tempting than me!"

"They're not, I promise," said Durman.

"Shut up, queer. You were looking at the men the whole time."

Durman flicked his silvery hair over his shoulder and scowled. "I don't know what you're talking about."

However, they untied me and gave me back my spikes. The spikes (about a foot and a half long metal rods with extremely pointy ends) were my weapon of choice. I figured they worked well for drawing blood and inflicting lots and lots of pain on my victims. Hidan was still trying to figure out a way for me to share my pain with my victims (I don't have chakra connections), but for the time being, I just kill and kill and kill until there's no one left to kill. Not very artful, but it's effective.

I held on spike in each hand and grinned at the Ikustaka. I glanced down at my clothes and the grin faded. I was still wearing the pirate-chick dress from when I first arrived (curse you alternative reality that only supplies me with one set of clothes). "This would look so much more badass if I wasn't wearing a dress that looks like it belongs at a costume party…"

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

My grin had returned and, with a laugh, I skipped away in the direction of the village sing (to the tune of the Barney theme song):

"_I hate you, you hate me, I'm gonna hang you from a tree, with a spike through your head, and a spike through your stomach – ha ha Jashin's glad your dead!" _

The village wasn't far away, it took me only five minutes to skip there, which meant I had five more minutes to do my killing spree before the Ikustaka arrived. I smiled, that was plenty of time. Still skipping, I twirled the spikes in my hand and entered the village.

"Who are you?" asked one woman, her eyes wide in horror

"Tell Jashin I said hi!" I said, and killed her. I stopped and turned to the next girl with a grin. "Hi. How you doing today?" Kill the next one. "And what about you?" Next one down. "Jashin is going to love me!" Next one. "Way more than that idiot Hidan." And the one after that. "Don't you think?"

One woman charged at me with a sword. I ducked under her wings and them stabbed her in the stomach. She let out a cry of pain and crumpled to the ground at my feet. I didn't have time to move before a girl ran a knife through my heart.

"Oh fuck!" I cried, cringing in pain. "That hurts."

I rounded on the girl, my eyes flashing in irritation. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts to be stabbed in the heart?"

The girl stared at me in mute horror.

"No?" I grinned. "Should I teach you?"

I stabbed her in the heart and then skipped away and she fell to the ground.

I'll spare you poor readers the details of my killing spree. Hey, Jashinism is not a pretty religion and certainly not a religion for the faint hearted. I don't know how many people I killed in five minutes. Maybe five or six, maybe ten or eleven. I didn't keep track. I just skipped through the village and killed whoever I saw. The funny thing was, everyone I killed was a woman. There wasn't a single man in this whole village. It was sort of disappointing… I wasn't going to find any Hotties here…

After my five minutes were up, I was successfully covered in blood. I danced in a circle, laughed, and threw my head back to sing:

"_I'm singing in the rain – Just singing in the rain – What a glorious feeling – I'm happy again – I'm laughing at clouds – So dark up above – The sun's in my heart – and I'm ready for love!_"

My laughter doubled.

"Are you insane!" screamed one girl.

I stopped skipping and singing and dancing and turned to stared at her. I blinked. Then grinned. "Why yes, yes I am."

She gasped and then, before I could kill her, she turned around and fled in the opposite direction. I chased after her, shrieking and giggling with maniacal laughter (I think the Akatsuki might possibly have a bad influence on me). She ran across the village into a reasonably large hut in the center. She stepped inside, apparently not realizing that I was following. She slammed the door behind her, but before it could close all the way, I slipped in after her. She went to the backroom and threw open the door, but before she could scream anything, I threw one of my spikes at her back and it drove itself through her chest.

"Well," I said. "That was quite the chase." I pulled the spike out of her back, stepped over her body, and surveyed the people in the room. "Hello. How are you today?"

"_Dessie_!"

I stopped and stared. There were two girls in the room. One was a semi-pretty girl (she was nothing compared to me) who looked absolutely horrified at the sight of me… like she was about to wet herself at any moment. The other was…

"Kate?" I asked, my jaw dropping in disbelief.

"Dessie," said Kate, rising from the bed she had been sitting on. "What are you doing here?"

I blinked. "It's a long story… Involving pirate ships, swimming, drinking, kidnappings, marriage proposals, and two criminal organizations…"

"Sounds interesting," said Kate.

The girl next to Kate gasped. "You two _know_ each other."

"Yeah," said Kate with a grin. "She's my best friend. Dessie, this is Elise. Elise, this is Dessie."

"She… She just killed Ruki…"

I glanced at the dead body at my feet. "Oh. Sorry about that. If I knew Kate was here I wouldn't have killed so many…"

Kate sighed. "Dessie, you can't just go around killing people in the name of Jashin."

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong…" Kate sighed. "Why can't you understand this?"

"Because Jashin's words are law. And he says kill, so I kill. And he made me immortal so I can't really go back on him…" I shrugged and accidently sprayed blood across the walls from the sudden hand movements. "Oops."

Elise looked ready to faint.

"Should we help her?" I asked.

BANG!

Kate didn't get a chance to reply as an old woman came sprinting into the room, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Lady Chosen! Lady Chosen! The Demon of Blood is attacking! The Demon of Blood has come with minions and is attacking the village!"

She saw me. Stopped. And screamed.

"The Demon! The Demon! It is the Demon of Blood!"

I blinked and pointed at myself. "Did you just call me a demon of blood, bitch?"

Elise fainted.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: review.**


	26. The Demon of Blood

**Chapter Twenty-Six: The Demon of Blood**

**Kate**

Hold the phone.

Let's just review the situation.

One: Elise is lying on the floor unconscious.

Two: I'm sitting on the bed, staring open-mouthed.

Three: Dessie is in the doorway, covered in blood.

Four: Ama is standing just outside the room screaming.

Five: She thinks that Dessie is the Demon of Blood.

Six: The Demon of Blood is supposed to destroy the world.

Seven: The Lady Chosen is supposed to stop the Demon of Blood.

Eight: I might be the Lady Chosen.

Aw man, this isn't good. This _really _isn't good.

Dessie was standing there, wiping some blood off her forehead and staring at Ama in complete confusion. A heavy scowl was plastered across Dessie's face and in each hand she clutched a long, black spike, both of which were pointed at Ama.

"What did you call me, hag?" asked Dessie.

Ama was trembling and backing away. Her eyes flickered from Dessie to me and then back to Dessie. "Please… Lady Chosen… Help… Stop it…"

"Did she just refer to me as _it_?" Dessie asked me.

I shrugged, still trying to make sense of exactly what was going on. "Dessie…"

"What?"

"Did you really massacre the entire village?"

Dessie paused to consider this. "Not all of it. I was kidnapped by the Iksutaka and they let me loose on the village so I could sacrifice to Jashin-sama. But they came and helped with the killing – why?"

"Er… Dessie… There's a prophecy about… us…"

"Really?" Dessie perked up at this. "A prophecy about gorgeous me? What? Am I going to rule the world? Marry some powerful Hottie? What? What?"

"You're going to destroy the world."

…

"Cool!" Dessie clapped her hands excitedly.

"But I'm going to stop you."

…

Dessie grabbed her stomach and doubled over with uncontainable laughter. She gasped for air and surfaced for a second to stare at my face. Then, her laughter returned and she bent over again, giggling maniacally. Ama had stopped panicking and could only stare at the Demon of Blood, who was currently kneeling on the floor, punding her first against the ground.

"Yeah, yeah," I said flatly. "I know."

"_She's_ going to destroy the world?" said Ama incredulously.

"She can be quite frightening when she wants to be," I said. "All you have to do is insult her chest size."

Dessie immediately sobered. She straightened up and glared at me. Thrusting a thumb at her chest, she said, "Just look at these luxurious and well-sculpted breasts – they're _divine_. Appreciate them, bitch."

Ama stared at Dessie in mute horror, while I crouched over Elise's fallen body and felt the girl's forehead hesitantly. Almost as soon as my hand made contact with her head, Elise's eyes jerked open and she sat bolt upright.

"You're awake!" I said happily.

"The Demon of Blood…" whispered Elise. Her eyes fell on Dessie and her face started to pale. I was afraid she was going to faint again, but she seemed to regain herself and the danger had passed.

"Don't worry," I said wit ha comforting smile. "That's Dessie. She's my friend."

"She's been murdering the whole village!" wailed Ama.

"Well, yes…" I said slowly.

"In the name of Jashin-sama," added Dessie. "If any of you are interested in converting, I'll be more than happy to tell you of the wonderful news! Jashin-sama can make you immortal!"

"Why would I want to join the religion of the god who wiped out my sisters!" screamed Ama.

Dessie paused and thought about this. "Power."

"You killed them for power!"

"Immortality is a bitch like that."

Ama looked as if she wanted to scream or shout or cry or throw something very hard at Dessie's head. "Are you really human?"

"Surprisingly… yes."

I sighed and helped Elise to her feet. Elise seemed almost reluctant to touch me, but in the end she leaned on me with one arm slung around my shoulders. However, she stared at Dessie nervously, as if afraid Dessie might snap at any moment and kill us all…which, knowing Dessie, had a high probability of happening.

"So how did you get here?" I asked. "Are the others here too?"

Dessie shrugged. "I was kidnapped by the Ikustaka. The others are back in a town called Elberi – Kisame, Hidan, Leader, Konan, Zetsu, and Kakuzu. Kisame misses you by the way. Won't shut up about it."

A smile stretched across my face and I fought back a giggle. "Really?"

"Yeah. Yeah. It drove us all insane – so how did you get here?"

"I was kidnapped too."

"By?"

"The Daughters of Darkness – these people." I pointed at Ama and Elise.

"Oh. Then I don't feel guilty for killing half of them," said Dessie with a shrug. "I thought they'd saved your life or something."

"Don't say that!' I wailed. "They're nice people!"

"Who just happened to kidnap you," said Dessie cheerfully. "Well, you got the better end of the bargain. I have some idiot, ape-man named JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo, a clichéd villain called the Crow, some flirtatious, blind monk, and…"

A scream pierced through the room before Dessie could finish her sentence.

My heart froze as, behind Dessie, I saw Ama crumpling to the ground, a sword sticking through her chest. As she fell away, the woman standing behind her came into view. She had long white hair and was dressed in ridiculously tacky gray furs – and, as much as I hate to say it, she was prettier than me.

"Ama!" cried Elise as tears tumbled from her eyes. "Ama!"

Dessie glanced over her shoulder and groaned. "And that guy."

"Hello, Love," said the murderer, flicking her white hair gracefully. "You look so gorgeous when you're drenched in blood."

"Kate," said Dessie. "Meet my kidnapper."

"Fiancé," he/she corrected.

"She's a guy!" I asked, incredulously.

Dessie nodded gloomily. "His name is Durman. He's confused as to sexual orientation at the moment and thinks he's attracted to me. I'm waiting for him to come out of the closet so I can get back to the others."

"That's not very nice," said Durman. He waltzed across the room; his arms open wide as if he was going to hug Dessie. She tried to duck out of the way, but she was too late and he enveloped her in a frighteningly warm hug.

"I'm not going to marry you," said Dessie bluntly. "Now get off."

"Make me," said Durman stubbornly.

"Hidan's going to be jealous," I observed.

"I already broke up with him," said Dessie, still trying to wrestle Durman off of her.

"You were together?" I asked.

Dessie blinked. "Oh right. You weren't there. We slept together, but then he was annoying me so I dumped him."

I stared. And stared. And stared.

"Dessie!" I wailed, almost dropping Elise in my shock. "You have to tell me these things sooner! Do you know how long Kisame and I have been waiting for you and Hidan to get together! Why did you break up so easily! You two were perfect! How could Kisame let this happen!"

"Well," said Dessie with a shrug. "To be fair, I broke up with Hidan in the middle of being kidnapped by Durman."

"She was won over by my amazing charm and good-looks," added Durman helpfully.

I sighed. "Why do I miss so many entertaining things when I'm gone?"

"Because I'm awesome and all the awesomeness happens around me," said Dessie.

A wry grin spread over my face and I shook my head. "Ah. But you didn't meet C-Itachi."

"C-Itachi?"

"In this reality there is another version of the Akatsuki members," I explained. "I refer to them as Cs because they're copies of the Akatsuki – ingenious really…"

"You should leave the nicknaming to me," muttered Dessie.

"And while Itachi and I were walking through Ahonok we ran into… _another Itachi_."

Dessie's jaw dropped open and she let out a squeal of delight while trying to beat Durman off of her. "Let me go! Let me go! I _need_ to see this double Hottie fest! Not just one, but _two_ Itachis! Original Hottie and Copy Hottie!"

"No!" cried Durman, still keeping his arms wrapped around Dessie. "Don't leave me, my love!"

"Got off me, Ugly!"

Elise tugged on my sleeve and, as I glanced in her direction, she whispered, "Lady Chosen… We need to get out of here…"

I hesitated. "I can't leave Dessie…"

Right then, Dessie decided to kick Durman in his weak spot. Durman let out a howl of agony and sunk to the ground writhing in pain. Dessie stepped on top of him and cried, "I'm King of the Hill, asshole!"

"Well," I said. "That solves my problem. Dessie!"

She stopped jumping up and down on Durman's fallen body and turned to stare at me. "What's up, Kate?"

"We're escaping."

"Oh goody. I was getting bored of these cheap rip-offs anyways."

Giving Durman one last final kick aimed at Durman's head, Dessie led the way as we raced out of the building. The village was littered with dead bodies. Women with their heads half several, their bodies burnt to bits, and giant holes in their chest, lay scattered about. It was hard to tell who was Dessie's victims and who was the Ikustaka's victims.

Dessie was smiling and skipping through the mass carnage, completely oblivious to the horror. Elise was sobbing on my shoulder and I was trying not to look at any dead body in particular. Just pretend it's red Kool-Aid, I reminded myself. Then it's not so bad…

"Hey, Sunshine – are you all finished here?"

A man dressed in monks robes with a blindfold plastered over his eyes approached through the murder scene. He was smiling cheerfully and waving at Dessie as if she were an old friend.

"Hey, Aram," said Dessie. "Did you find any women to prey upon?"

"Lots," said Aram. "Though none as fine as you."

"Oh good," said Dessie, and, when the unsuspecting Aram was close enough, she kicked him in the stomach.

"Come on!" she called out the Elise and me. She leapt over Aram's fallen body and sprinted towards the shelter of the forest with Elise and me in hot pursuit.

I can't tell you how far and how fast we ran. Dessie, as always, ran with the wild insanity of a rabid bear, while Elise, leaning on my shoulder, and I moved with more a crooked lope. Elise seemed terrified of Dessie (I can't imagine why) and whenever Dessie doubled back to see how we were doing, Elise hid her face and trembled violently.

"It doesn't look like they've followed us," said Dessie. "But I can't imagine they'd let me go that easily."

"Durman seemed quite persistent," I agreed.

"We can always hide," said Dessie.

"Where?"

She shrugged and, after a moment's thought, she hurried ahead to see if she could find a spot to spend the night. Elise and I were left alone beneath the towering – almost ceiling-like – canopy. The trees in this forest had grown fat with prosperity, their trunks wide and thick, with smooth, brown bark. Their branches did not start until half way up the tree and they were long and spindly, forming a web that wove the separate trees together.

"Your…friend…" whispered Elise. "She's scary."

"She's insane is a better way of putting it," I said. "But don't worry, she's actually not the scariest of my friends."

Elise stared at me, open mouthed.

"Oh, it's true," I said. "If I had to say… the scariest is probably Itachi. Not C-Itachi, he's not scary at all, but the real, original Itachi is pretty scary. He wiped out his entire clan, you know. Except his little brother, who now travels the world and is determined to destroy Itachi – It's really sad when you think about it... I used to have a crush on Itachi, but Kisame, my boyfriend – he's half-shark, half-man – is way cooler."

…

"Oh, and Leader is scary too. He has several different bodies that can all kill people in different ways!" I made a face. "Konan's scary too, when she wants to be. Mostly she just gets upset whenever someone messes with Leader. Like that time that Kisame and I tried to marry them."

…

"And Deidara is this crazy psychopath who likes to blow things up and call them art… I guess he's scary too… Though not as scary as Kakuzu. Kakuzu is scary, old, and merciless."

…

"Oh and then Hidan – though he seems less scary when Dessie's around, because then they just fight all the time. You know who's scary? Zetsu. He eats people." I shuddered. "It's really gross."

…

"You're just as insane as they are."

And Elise fainted…again.

"Did I say something wrong?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hmmmm, not entirely satisfied with this chapter. One of those "From Here to There" Chapters. I tried to make it entertaining. I seriously kill off too many people. It's like "Hi there, my name is -" Two seconds later. - has died. Great... I have some actual comments to make right now, so please ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO THIS! I've been asked if people can redo my drawings of my characters - yes, yes you can. I am absolutely awful at drawing, I never once claimed to be an artist and I'm all too aware of my flaws. So, if you want to do drawings of my characters - go ahead! I'm flattered anyone cares enough about this story to bother drawing any aspect of it... It still amazes me that people really do like my stuff. Wow... Let's just sit back and appreciate this... **

**THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE STUCK WITH ME ALL THE WAY AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE JUST STARTED READING MY WORK! I LOVE YOU ALL AND I GIVE YOU ALL CYBER HUGS! *insert big hug here***

**(And now, to return my hug, you should review... or Durman will hug you instead.)**


	27. Confusing Reunion

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Confusing Reunion**

**Hannah**

You're probably wondering how we ended up standing outside the most expensive inn in Elberi. Well, that's a fair enough question. In fact, as I stood outside staring up at the three-story high building with fancy decorations and intricate designs carved into the side of the building, I had to wonder just how our search for the other Akatsuki members ended up here.

"This place is the shit, uhn," said Deidara appreciatively.

"Do you really think the Akatsuki would be staying here?" I asked. "I doubt Kakuzu would be willing to spend that much money on an inn…"

"But the fat guy at the tavern said they'd be here," said C-Itachi, thoughtfully.

"Yes," I said, rolling my eyes. "Because we should always listen to what fat guys tell us."

Before an argument could break out, Itachi pushed open the door of the fancy inn and stepped inside. Deidara hurried after him and the rest of us followed, with a skipping Tobi bringing up the rear. The inside was just as grand and expensive looking as the outside. The people who worked there were dressed in fire clothes with the austere attitude of professionals. It made the Akatsuki look like cavemen by comparison.

"Definitely not here," I said, and Deidara nodded in agreement.

"Can I help you?" asked one of the workers. He strode across the room, his head held high, and came to a stop a few feet away from us, as if he was afraid to get too close.

"We're looking for the Akatsuki," I said.

He glanced at us, suspiciously. "Who?"

"Have you seen anyone with bright orange hair and piercings?" asked Itachi.

The man hesitated. "Maybe."

"They're here?" asked Deidara incredulously. "Kakuzu's disappointed me, uhn."

"Can you show us to their rooms?" asked C-Itachi with an award-winning smile.

"No."

C-Itachi blinked in confusion. "Why not?"

"Just tell them Hannah's here," I said. "They'll tell you to let us in."

"I'm I the only one who still can't get past the fact that Kakuzu let them stay in an expensive place like this, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Yes," I snapped. "Now shut up." I turned back to the man. "What's your name?"

"Yahiko."

"Listen, Yahiko," I said. "If you don't show us to the Akatsuki's rooms right now I will report you to your superiors and they will know you left unhappy customers." It took me two steps to cover the distance between us and, in a voice so low that no one could hear me, I whispered the rest of the threat to him.

As I stepped away, I saw that his face was pale. H e swallowed nervously. "I still can't show you to the room."

Silence.

"What the hell!" cried Deidara. "No one can survive Hannah's threats!"

"I think he just did," said C-Itachi.

"Impossible, uhn!"

"I could just kill him," offered Sasori.

"No," I said.

"Sasori scares Tobi…"

"Hannah!' Deidara was practically yelling. "You're losing your touch! How come he isn't cowering in fear?"

"Shut up, Deidara," I said dully.

"But–"

"Shut up."

"N–"

"Shut up."

"W–"

"Shut up."

Deidara scowled and folded his arms; however, surprisingly, he did not utter another word.

"Anyways," I said, turning back to Yahiko. "Just tell the Akatsuki Hannah is here and she wants to see them."

"No."

"I'm killing him," decided Sasori.

"No!" I cried, but it was too late.

Sasori whipped out one of his puppets and set the contraption on Yahiko. Yahiko somehow managed to keep a straight face as he threw himself out of the way of the puppets knives. As Yahiko lay on the floor, the puppet turns around and prepared to strike again.

"What's going on here?"

The voice was familiar and the commanding attitude that cut through the air, startled us all into silence. Sasori stopped trying to kill Yahiko and, slowly, he turned to stare at the person who spoke.

Standing at the bottom of the staircase was the tall, orange-haired Leader.

He looked the same as always: grim, stern, and powerful. The only exception was that he was dressed in a long, billowing black cloak, gray pants, a loose-fitting white shirt, a leather hat with a big, fluffy feather, and brass-buckle boots with a sword strapped to his side. He looked like a corny pirate.

"Leader," said Itachi stiffly.

"That's your leader?" asked C-Itachi. "He doesn't look all that powerful."

Leader's right eye twitched and, without warning, he appeared in front of C-Itachi with his sword drawn and pointing directly at C-Itachi's throat.

"Say that again, you cuttlefish."

I slapped my forehead and sighed. "Leader… Don't tell me you've been practicing that pose for the past few hours."

Leader stiffened and said, hurriedly, "Of course not. Heh. Who would do a silly thing like that?"

"It was for the past week."

Konan appeared, waling down the stairs. Like Leader, she was dressed in pirate get-up, but the outfit was more like a skanky Halloween costume than real pirate attire.

"Konan-chan!" cried Tobi, waving his arms about wildly. "Hi! Konan-chan!"

She ignored Tobi and walked across the room to give me an awkward 'hello' hug. "Where have you been?"

"A town called Ahonok – it's not far from here."

"Never heard of it," said Leader.

Yahiko took advantage of the distraction to sneak away. I can't say I blame him.

"Isn't Ahonok Konoha spelled backwards?" asked Kakuzu as he walked down the stairs.

I caught sight of him and smiled – life isn't nearly as fun without my partner in crime.

"Kakuzu!" cried Deidara, jabbing his finger violently in Kakuzu's direction. "You disappoint me! How dare you spend our money on an expensive inn like this one! Aren't you supposed to be a greedy bastard, uhn?"

"Idiot," said Kakuzu, joining the group at the bottom of the stairs. "We're staying here for free."

"Uhn?"

"Since Leader saved the town, they love us here," explained Konan. "We're sort of like celebrities – so the inn offered to let us stay here for free."

"Ah. I thought it was weird that you would be staying here," I said.

"THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! ZETSU! HIDAN! THEY'RE HERE!"

The all-too-familiar big, blue shark-man came sprinting down the stairs, jumping the last ten steps and landing, with a crash, on the ground in front of me. His black eyes were glowing with excitement as he looked about maniacally, searching for something… or someone…

"Where is she?" asked Kisame, eagerly. "Where's my Kate?"

"Er…"

Slowly, Kisame's smile started to fade. He looked at all our faces and the truth started to dawn on him. "Where's Kate…?"

"She was kidnapped," said Sasori, almost cheerfully.

"By the Daughters of Darkness," C-Itachi supplied.

"She was kidnapped," repeated Kisame. His face was blank, empty, devoid of emotion. Then, suddenly, it changed. He straightened up and, eyes flashing, he cried, "Why did you let her get kidnapped!" He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me violently. "Why did you let this happen? Where is she? When can we save her?"

I couldn't respond as he shook me.

"Don't scramble her brains, uhn."

Kisame released me and stepped away, scowling. "Where's Kate?"

"We're don't know…" I said. "But we'll find her… Probably."

"What happened to that bitch now?"

I didn't have to look to know who had spoken. Silver hair, purple eyes, and a foul mouth – Hidan had arrived.

"She was kidnapped," I said.

"Well that makes two of them."

I blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Dessie was kidnapped too."

The voice came from the ground and, when I looked down, I was that Zetsu – in all his plant-like glory – was rising from the ground. He smiled at the sight of me, his pointy teeth glinting in the light of the room. "Hi, Hannah…" his white half said shyly.

"Dessie was kidnapped again?" asked Deidara exasperatedly. "She really has to break this bad habit, uhn."

"Oh," said Zetsu's black half. "It's you."

"You know you missed me," said Deidara.

"No. No, we didn't."

"Yeah… On second thought, it's you. You would never miss me." Deidara sighed. "I was hoping you had died, uhn."

"You can't have everything in life," said Zetsu.

I sighed. "Fuzzy and warm reunion, isn't it?"

"You want to know what would be a fuzzy and warm reunion?" asked Kisame. "If we found Kate. I could make that _really _fuzzy – so fuzzy it'd be a hairball!"

"Um…"

"Or we could go find my girlfriend," said Hidan.

I stopped. Blinked. And stared. "What?"

"She's not your girlfriend anymore," pointed out Kakuzu. "She broke up with you before she was kidnapped."

"It's void," said Konan stubbornly. "If she was being kidnapped, it's void."

"Actually," said Leader. "She broke up with him and _then_ was kidnapped."

"Who's side are you on!" snapped Konan.

Leader raised his hands defensively. "I'm just stating the facts."

"What?" I repeated blankly. "What are you people talking about?"

A small smile crossed Kisame's face (the first since he learned of Kate's disappearance) and he grinned smugly. "The Love Guru was successful."

"For two days," added Kakuzu.

"I don't know what is harder to believe," said Deidara. "That the Love Guru was successful or that Hidan and Dessie lasted long than a day."

…

"Tobi is confused."

"We're all confused, uhn," said Deidara. Suddenly, he turned and patted Itachi on the shoulder. "Looks like Dessie has finally replaced you."

"Hn."

"Oh, don't worry," I said. "Itachi will always be the number one Original Hottie."

Silence filled the room.

"Hey," said Kisame slowly. "Why are there two Itachis?"

* * *

><p>Well, I'll save you all the boring 'Let's get you caught up on the situation' conversations. Leader brought us all to a conference room (the inn has a conference room!) where we sat around a table and Leader convened the meeting. Everyone told their stories and we call got caught up on the situation, setting us up for the next question:<p>

"What do we do now?"

"We go search for the missing girls!" cried C-Itachi passionately.

There was a pause. We laughed. Hey, criminally insane Akatsuki, remember?

"Why does everyone laugh whenever I suggest rescuing someone?" asked C-Itachi.

"It's too expensive," said Kakuzu.

"Too much effort," I added.

"Dessie will probably get bored of being kidnapped, kick her captors in their weak spots, and then come back on her own," said Konan.

"She's a bitch like that," said Hidan proudly.

"But…" said C-Itachi slowly. "What if she doesn't escape? What if they kill her?"

"She can't die," said Leader. "Literally," he added with a glance at C-Itachi's disbelieving face. "She's immortal."

"My handiwork," said Hidan.

"Th-then what about Kate?" asked C-Itachi. "She's not immortal. And she's probably not going to escape her captors…"

"True…"

"It's still expensive," said Kakuzu. "Travel fees."

"She's annoying," added Sasori.

I glanced sidelong at Kisame. He was sitting in silence (which was rare for him). His head was bowed and he had a sort of cross-eyed expression on his face.

"She's just a girl!" cried C-Itachi.

"She's also the most useless member of the Akatsuki," said Zetsu's black half.

"Actually," said Deidara. "I think Tobi is more useless."

"Deidara-senpai is mean to Tobi!"

"And that's something new, uhn?"

"Hannah-Nunu! Make Deidara-senpai stop being mean to Tobi!"

"Why?" I asked. "I think it's funny when Deidara bullies you."

"Hannah-Nunu!"

Kisame's hand twitched in the direction of his sword. This sort of dark aura was radiating around him (this is not normal). His head was still bowed, but a shadow crossed his blue face, making him seem purple.

"Can I kill him?" asked Sasori.

"We're off topic!" cried C-Itachi. "We're talking about Kate!"

"Give up," advised Konan. "It's impossible to keep them on topic."

Leader nodded in agreement. "Try bringing them to a bar and holding a meeting – all they want to do is get drunk."

"Good idea," said Hidan, getting to his feet.. "Who's up of some sake?"

"I'm in," said Deidara.

The two of them started heading towards the door, but C-Itachi leapt in front of them.

"Don't you care about Dessie at all!" asked C-Itachi incredulously. "Weren't you her boyfriend!"

Hidan scowled. "Look, shithead, don't talk to me about Dessie. You have never met her before. I have spent a year and a half fighting with her. When I say she's a bitch, I mean she – is – a – bitch." He paused and then added "Fuck you" for good measure.

"Hidan wins over C-Itachi. Deidara, pay up," said Kakuzu.

"Damn it," said Deidara, rummaging around in his pocket for some cash. "C-Itachi, I'm never betting a cent on you again – you pussy."

Leader sighed. "Can we finish this meeting yet?"

"What meeting?" asked Tobi.

"The meeting we're in right now!"

"Tobi is in a meeting right now?"

"I'm going to k–"

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP – SIT DOWN – AND DECIDE HOW WE'RE GOING TO SAVE KATE AND DESSIE!" Kisame was standing up now, his sword raised above his head as if he was preparing to take some heads off (and, knowing him, some limbs too). "I AM SICK OF YOUR STUPID ARGUING! WE ARE GOING TO SAVE KATE… AND DESSIE! THERE IS NO DEBATING IT. ANYONE OBJECTS AND HE WON'T HAVE A DICK IN THE MORNING!"

…

Deidara sat down.

Hidan followed suit.

One by one, the Akatsuki all sat down. We all stared mutely at Leader, waiting for him to start. Leader was staring at Kisame, waiting for the shark-man to put down the massive sword. Appeased that everyone was taking this seriously now, Kisame put down the sword and took his seat. He smiled in the direction of Leader, waiting for the meeting to begin again.

"So… um…" said Leader. "Right. Kate and Dessie."

"Kate is with the Daughters of Darkness," supplied Konan.

"And Dessie is with the Ikustaka," said Leader, nodding his head.

"Two girls," said Itachi.

"I guess we're going to have to split up again," said Leader wearily.

"Weren't we just separated for weeks?" asked Deidara. "And now we have to separate _again_?"

"Yep."

"As long as Zetsu isn't in my group, I don't care, uhn," said Deidata. Then, he added thoughtfully, "Or Tobi."

"I don't want to be with the pussy," said Hidan, pointing in C-Itachi's general direction at the same time C-Itachi said, "I don't want to be with him," and pointed at Hidan.

"Shut up," said Leader. "_I _decide who's going where. End of story. Hidan, Konan, Hannah… Itachi, C-Itachi," (he smiled maliciously), "and Kakuzu. You're all going to go find Dessie."

"Why do I have to be in a group with the pussy?" asked Hidan.

"Why do I have to be in a group with this idiot?" asked C-Itachi and Kakuzu.

"Shut up. This means that Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Zetsu, Kisame, and I will go find Kate."

"Did you make those groups that bad on purpose?" I asked.

"Revenge is a dish best served with annoying people on the side."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks to Kibi Tosame who has made a fanart of Kate - you should all go check it out, I have the link on my profile page. *sniffles* It makes me so happy to get fanart! I've had a really crappy, stressful week and it makes me happy to know that people love my stuff enough to want to draw my characters... I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! I've never met any of you, but I LOVE you. Whenever my life is crappy I can just come home, write, update and - voila! - you wonderful people will review. You have NO IDEA how much I love your reviews. I love your "hellos", you random comments, your fangirl(boy)isms, your weird stories that are completely unrealted to this fanfic - I LOVE THEM ALL! WAAAAAAH! (I'm being usually emotional... and it's not even that time of the month...) **

**Anyways, I just want to say thank you. Thanks to all of you who have read and review this story and my other story (which is so close to being 2000 reviews, I'm DYING to hit that goal)... I LOVE YOU ALL! **

**LOVE.**

**LOTS OF LOVE.**

**(now review... or Kisame will show you how pissed he gets when is love is missing)**


	28. Wash Away the Blood

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Wash Away the Blood**

**Dessie**

I hate caves. This is a new found fact. Before tonight I had never had any issues with caves. In fact, you could say that I was on good terms with caves. Then, after fleeing from the Ikustaka with some bitch named Elise who faints every two seconds and Kate, running through the forest, finding a small, cramped cave, spending the night there with nothing but a small torch Elise had brought for light while it poured down rain, I learned to hate caves.

"This is hell!" I cried.

"Shush," said Kate, raising a finger to her lips. "What if the Ikustaka is still looking for us? They could hear you."

I rolled my eyes and flopped onto my back. A rock on the floor of the cave dug into my spine, but, at this point, I stopped caring. "Who can hear us yell over the sound of the damn rain?"

Sure enough, outside the sky was pouring buckets with the clap of thunder in the background and lighting illuminating the forest.

"What idiot would look of us in this rain?" I asked. Then, actually considering my question, I corrected myself. "Durman would be that big of an idiot."

"He seems to really like you," said Kate.

"Why do I get all the weird ones?" I asked.

"Durman? And Hidan." she said. "Who else?"

"Jiraiya."

She shuddered. "I remember him."

"That ugly bastard stalked me every time I went to a whore house."

"Why… did you go to a whore house?"

Kate and I glanced in the corner of the cave. Elise sat there, her arms wrapped around her shoulders and curled up in a little ball. She was shivering from the cold and, with a pale face, she resembled a drowning fish.

"It's a long story," said Kate hurriedly.

"We used to be fake whores," I explained. "The Akatsuki would sell us to a brothel to make some quick cash and then we would run away from the brothel. But then the brothels caught on to the scam and we had to stop. Now we're just regular Akatsuki whores."

"We are not!" cried Kate indignantly.

I rolled my eyes. "So you say. You're dating Kisame. Hannah has a harem with Deidara and Zetsu… and I think Kakuzu gets in there some times."

"And you make out with Itachi regularly."

"And I slept with Hidan," I added thoughtfully.

Kate groaned. "How did I miss this? Why do all the exciting things happen when I'm not there!"

"Quit getting separated so often then."

"At least you'll always be there to find me – even if you come soaked in blood."

From her corner, Elise made a noise that sounded like something between a scream and a cough. Kate and I turned to look at her and she twitched, eyeing me fearfully.

"You don't have to be so scared of Dessie," said Kate soothingly. "She doesn't kill pointlessly."

Elise stared at Kate blankly, uncomprehending.

"She's a Jashinist," explained Kate.

"I used to worship Warg, but then he turned out to be a douche and I switched to Jashin."

"She just has to sacrifice to Jashin to keep her immortality," added Kate.

"Slaughter makes the world a better place," I said cheerfully.

Elise was trembling.

"Dessie," said Kate. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Sure it does," I said. "I kill people. People make this world shitty. Less people in this world. The better the world is."

"What if you kill good people?" asked Kate.

"There are no good people."

"Then shouldn't you kill yourself?"

"Impossible," I said, shaking my head. "I'm immortal."

"You can't undo it?"

"Nope. Permanent contract."

"Sucks."

"Not really," I said. "I get to remain young and sexy for eternity. While your breasts go all saggy and gross, mine will remain plump and firm and irresistible."

Kate sighed. "You pervert…"

I realized that Elise was still staring at me in horror and shaking violently. I glanced down at my clothes, wondering what could be scaring her so much. I decided it was the dried blood all over me. So, I got to my feet and said, "I'm going to wash the blood off in the rain."

"What if someone sees you?" asked Kate.

"Do you really think they'll be searching for me in this?"

"One word – Durman."

"What's the likelihood of him seeing me while its pouring down rain I nthe middle of the night?"

Kate shook her head. "Fine."

Grinning, I stepped out of the mouth of the cave. The rain was coming down in buckets, pelting against my skin like bullets. It felt nice. The blood-water began to drip down my arms and legs, falling off onto the forest floor. Wiping my long, drenched hair out of my eyes, I walked around beneath the trees and, after a moment's hesitation, I scampered up the rocks to stand on top of the cave.

The view was fantastic. I couldn't see all too well, but whenever there was a flash of lightning, which illuminated the forest, the trees, with their thick trunks and wild branches, looked silver. I tipped my face upwards towards the stormy sky and let the rain batter my face.

Nice and clean… until the next Jashinist slaughter came around. Hopefully next time Hidan would be with me – it's much more fun to kill people with someone else. And Hidan was especially fun, because he goes crazy when massacring people.

I blinked.

Scratch that. I hate Hidan. It'd be much more fun to go on rampage with Deidara.

"Hidan is an asshole," I announced to the rain. "He should go jump off a cliff… and actually die."

"Who's Hidan?"

I groaned. There was no point in turning around. I knew who was there by his voice and his voice alone.

"Shit fuck Warg damnit," I said. "Way to ruin the moment."

"Who's Hidan?" he repeated.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

"I couldn't let you leave," he said. "Even if I have to battle wind, rain, thunder, and lightning – I cannot let my true love escape."

"Durman," I said. "You're gay. Admit it. There's nothing wrong with being gay."

"For the last time," he growled. "_I am not gay_."

And then a girl screamed.

I didn't know if it was Kate or Elise, but, without so much as a glance at Durman, I leapt off the ledge and landed, with a thud, on the ground in front of the cave entrance. Peering inside, I saw the image of a man dressed in the cliché black standing over the bloodied corpse of Elise and a cowering Kate.

"Oh good," I muttered. "Kate. How can you be scared of an idiot with the name 'the Crow'?"

The Crow shot his Glare of Mass Murder at me.

Kate, her face completely white, turned her head to stare at me. "Dessie! He has a knife!"

"Well, yes," I said. "Criminals generally do have sharp, pointy weapons with them."

"Dessie!" screamed Kate. "Do something!"

I sighed. "Fine. Crow, do you like chickens?"

The Crow furrowed his brow in confusion. "No…"

I smiled. "Problem solved." Then, I turned around and began walking away. I didn't feel the need to watch as Kate beat the chicken-hater into a pulp.

Unfortunately, as performed my epic hero sequence (me strolling through the forest with the rain pounding down and thunder cracking around me), Durman decided this would be a good time to knock me out and kidnap me… yet again.

I really have to break this bad habit.

* * *

><p>And now, because this is a really short chapter and the author hates having chapter under 2,000 words, time for a random plot interruption also known as Another One Of Dessie's Crazy Dream Sequences:<p>

Dun-dun-dun

I'm running up stairs.

Dun-dun-dun

Looking extremely heroic.

Dun-dun-dun

And then I tripped.

Dun-dun-dun

The moment is over.

Someone, a shadowy figure, was standing at the top of the stairs. He laughed. It was one of those crazy evil laughs that characters make when they're having crazy evil thoughts.

"You're an asshole," I announced.

"Run faster. Or you'll lose him."

"Lose who?" I asked.

"Run faster."

"I hate unanswered questions!" I screamed. I got to my feet and started running upstairs again – only this time, I was running towards the shadowy figure. I could only see his silhouette, but it was a very sexy silhouette. It made my Hottie sense tingle.

However, before I could reach him, the shadowy figure disappeared.

"Too late," he said, now standing even further ahead of me. "You have to try harder if you want him back."

"You're a whore!" I screamed. And then added, "But you're hot."

He laughed again. The same sexy, crazy, evil laugh. "You have good taste."

"I know."

Then, the world melted away and I was falling through a hole. Down… down… down…

_Do you like chickens_?

Kate likes chickens.

_We eat chickens for dinner._

Kate will kill you.

_Deep fried chicken._

KFC?

_KFC is a lie._

You're a lie, bitch.

_I'm your conscience, bitch._

I don't have a conscience – I'm guilt free.

_That's what you think._

That's what I know. I'm a murderess and proud.

_No. You feel guilty about it._

Nope. Not a thing.

_No. You're ridden with agonizing guilt._

Should I just kill you as well to prove it?

_… That isn't necessary…_

That's what I thought.

And then I landed face first in a patch of grass. I lay there for a moment, breathing in the fresh scent of flowers and dirt. Then, slowly, I sat up. The patch of grass was actually part of a meadow that stretched on and on as far as could the eye could see, with an impossibly blue sky spanning across it.

"Well," I said. "Isn't this pretty."

_I see dead people._

As if on cue, the faces appeared. Pale, transparent things with gaunt expressions and white eyes – they had large gashes at their necks and chests, as if they had been sliced open by a long spike. Some of them were missing limbs and others were missing heads. There were dozens of them, maybe even hundreds and they all formed a circle around me.

"Hi," I said, waving awkwardly. "Are you guys enjoying the meadow too?"

They didn't reply.

_They're here to see you._

"Are they?" I asked. "Well that's nice… But why are they all dead? Am I dead too?" I blinked. "But I'm immortal… Unless – Hidan! That asshole! He told someone the secret how to kill me!"

_You're not dead._

"Oh… Then why am I here?"

_These people are here for you._

"Why?"

_They hate you_.

"Why?" I smiled. "I'm a good little girl – I always get presents from Santa on Christmas."

_You killed them._

"…Oh."

_They want revenge._

"That's it?" I asked. "That's _so _stupid. That plot line is so overused. Sasuke, the Nine Tails, Leader, Konan, Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji – can we come up with something original please?"

_Don't make fun of the dead._

I rolled my eyes. "You're all idiots. Yes, I killed you. Sucks to be you. Do you want to know the secret to staying alive?"

_…Yes…_

"Become immortal, whore."

_I'm face-palming myself, you just can't see._

"Then that was a waste of a face-palm."

_Just wake up already._

* * *

><p>My eyes snapped open and I sat bolt upright. Unfortunately, bolt upright meant banging my head on a crate I was lying next to.<p>

"Fucking hell!" I cried. I tried to raise a hand to rub my aching forehead, but, once again, my hands were tied up by thick rope.

"You're awake?"

I glanced up to see the smiling face of the extremely feminine Durman.

"I missed you," he said, and flipped his white hair.

I screamed. "What do I have to do to get away from you! I want the dead people back! Give them back! They were nice! They were almost sane!" And, in a desperate attempt to knock myself out again, I slammed my head against the crate.

…Not my brightest idea.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: ...I think this chapter is the most random chapter I have ever written. And, trust me, I have written a lot of random chapter. My response to writing this is... What. The. Fucking. Hell. Was. I. Thinking!**

**Anyone have any answers?**

**Anyways, thanks to those of you who review the last chapter- I love you! And thanks to those of you who actually went back and reviewed Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki to help me reach my goal of 2000 reviews - I wasn't expecting that!**

**And for the traditional threat: REVIEW OR THE RANDOM DREAM SEQUENCE WILL COME FOR YOU!**


	29. Burn, Baby, Burn

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Burn, Baby, Burn**

**Kate**

Run. Run. As fast as you can, you can't catch me – I'm the gingerbread man.

That's always been Dessie's favorite song. She likes to taunt people with.

Oh God, _Dessie_.

I run from the baker and I run from his wife – you'll never catch me, not any of you.

Oh Jashin, _Dessie_.

Run. Run. As fast as you can, you can't catch me – I'm the gingerbread man.

Oh Warg, _Dessie_.

The last thing I remember is blood. Lots of it. As the man in black sliced poor Elise to shreds. And Dessie's expression of mild horror as Durman knocked her unconscious. He picked up her fallen body as if it were made of feathers and carried her off into the rainy forest.

I don't remember much after that.

But when I awoke, I was alone. The rains had stopped and the sun had risen. It was just me alone in the cave… and Elise's blood-stained remains. I might have cried. I'm not sure. I didn't bother to bury her. I just ran… and ran… and ran. Like that gingerbread man. I now understand why Dessie loves him so much. That gingerbread man has wise words.

The tears were flowing now. As I fled wildly through the forest. The trees – with their sharp branches – snatched at my clothes and skin. Nipping and drawing blood. I barely noticed.

"Help!" I cried. "Someone! Help! Please! Anyone!" The last word came out as a croak. "Help!"

Now, before you get depressed and think Poor Kate, She's Going to Die Out There All Alone In The Wilderness – I assure you, I live. …You were all worried about that, right?

Anyways, I'm going to pretend you were and then kindly explain to you that I was not alone for long. You see, the Akatsuki, by some miracle that I suspect involved blackmail, death threats, and violent fights, had been looking for me. And, on his flying explosive bird, Deidara found me.

"Look what the cat dragged in, uhn."

Through my tears, I gazed upwards to see the vast bird drift to the ground and settle on the forest floor beside me. Standing on the back of his bird with a permanent scowl on his face, Deidara regarded me carefully.

I blinked.

"You know," said Deidara. "I'm only doing this to win bonus points with Hannah."

I blinked.

"Close your mouth, you look like an idiot, uhn."

"Deidara…" I whispered. "What are you doing here?"

He scoffed. "Kisame threatened to chop all our balls off if we didn't find you."

I smiled. "He's a wonderful boyfriend, isn't he?"

"Yeah, yeah. Only half of us are looking for you. The other half is looking for Dessie, uhn."

"She's with the Ikustaka again," I murmured.

"Again, uhn?'

"We escaped," I explained. "But they found us again. And Durman won't let his 'fiancée' go."

"Uhn."

We stood there awkwardly. I wiped away my remained tears and presented Deidara a weak smile. He continued scowling, but extended a hand in my direction, offering to help me up onto the bird. Relieved, I accepted his invitation and let him lift me upwards – and then drop me.

I landed with a _splat_ on the muddy forest floor.

"What was that for!" I cried.

"Like hell I'd help you," said Deidara. "Your bitchy boyfriend had me searching for you all through the shitty storm, uhn."

"So you drop me in a mud puddle!" I wailed.

"You don't have a giant spiky sword strapped to your back, uhn."

I glared.

Deidara stared back impassively.

Finally, with a heavy sigh, I got to my feet and scampered onto the back of his bird. I knew better than to stand up and cling onto him. Instead, I sprawled out on the birds back and dug my fingernails into the clay. I felt the birds wings flap beneath me and, before I was mentally prepared, the ground left us behind.

"DEIDARA!" I wailed. "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME!"

He let out a maniacal laugh. "No, duh, bitch – uhn!"

* * *

><p>I don't know how long we were up in the air, or how long we traveled. I clung onto the bird for dear life and prayed to whatever god might be listening that we would land safely. Thankfully, we did. With a dull thud, the clay bird nestled onto the ground and Deidara lightly leapt from its back. I remained with my face buried in the clay, breathing heavy sighs of relief (I don't like flying…)<p>

"You're back."

"With a present, uhn."

I stiffened at the all too familiar voice and, slowly, raised my head from the back of the bird. Over its wing, I could see the wide-eyed expression plastered all over that lovable blue face.

I opened my mouth, but, unable to find the right words, I shut it again.

He, on the other hand, had nothing but things to say.

"Kate! Kate! Kate!" he cried, covering the ground between us in a matter of seconds and, leaping up on the back of the bird, he swept me up into his arms in a gigantic bear hug. "I missed you so much! There was no one to fool around with when I got bored! Ah! You have no idea how much I missed you! And – oh my Jashin-Warg-God – Hidan and Dessie hooked up! They even almost had a proper relationship for a day! You would have loved it! Why weren't you there? Kate? Why weren't you there? It was so lonely and boring without you! Leader's never separating us again, you hear me? Never!"

"Kisame…" I gasped. "You're… suffocating…"

He stopped his fawning and stared down at my face, which was slowly turning a deep shade of purple.

"Oh. Oops."

He set me down gently and stood in front of me, practically hopping from side to side with glee.

I smiled up at him. "I missed you too…"

"I'm surprised he didn't kill you with that welcome, uhn," observed Deidara.

"He didn't kill her?" A certain dislikeable red head materialized at Deidara's shoulder, staring at me stiffly.

Kisame glanced over his shoulder, caught sight of Sasori, and let out a low, menacing growl. Sasori stared back, as if completely unaffected by Kisame's animalistic glowering.

I took the opportunity to glance around. Deidara's bird had landed in some sort of courtyard where the ground was made of padded dirt and it was surrounded by stone walls on three sides, the fourth was lined with empty stables. Beyond the walls was the scenery of an old time town, similar to Ahonok, but different at the same time.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Elberi," replied a voice from beneath me. I glanced over the side of the bird and saw that half of Zetsu was sticking out of the ground. Through the leaves of his Venus flytrap, he was grinning up at me hungrily.

"Er, hi, Zetsu," I murmured. "Long time no see."

"We almost missed you."

"Oh…"

My eyes shifted unconsciously to Kisame, who was still glaring daggers at Sasori. I reached out a hand and lightly tugged the sleeve of Kisame's shirt.

"Where is everyone?" I asked.

"Dessie's been kidnapped," explained Kisame. "Konan, Hidan, Hannah, Itachi, C-Itachi, and Kakuzu all went looking for her."

"I met her," I said, a frown flickering across my face. "She was doubly kidnapped by the Ikustaka."

Deidara snorted. "She needs to get out of that stupid habit of being kidnapped."

"I don't even know why people target her," said Kisame. "It's not like she's the most pleasant captive." He grinned demonically at me. "If anything I'd kidnap Kate – she's quite and cute and very _willing_."

A warm blush covered my face.

"Imagine I'm vomiting my guts out, uhn," said Deidara loudly.

"We might join you," muttered Zetsu.

I gasped. "What's this? What's happened while I was away? Deidara and Zetsu are actually agreeing on something!"

"That just goes to show how unbearable your relationship is," muttered Deidara.

"You're just jealous that Hannah never looks at you like that," said Kisame proudly.

Deidara mimed vomiting.

* * *

><p>In celebration of my return, Kisame decided we should all go out for sake (chances are he was planning to go out for sake anyways and I was just a bonus excuse). Leader, Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Zetsu, Kisame and I crowded around a table in the local bar and summoned the first round of drinks.<p>

Leader looked at his bottle suspiciously before taking a tentative sip. Then, determining that it wasn't poisoned, he downed the rest in one go. Zetsu drank with a similar enthusiasm, holding one drink in each hand (I didn't know he had hands) and taking turns chugging from each one. I don't know how Tobi managed to do it since I didn't see a single bottle of sake approach his face, but somehow he ended up completely drunk within the first five minutes. Deidara, being the lightweight that he is, was the second to get wasted. He slouched over his seat and gave slurred lectures to Sasori about how explosions were better than puppets. Kisame, who was no stranger to drinking, gulped down bottle after bottle, at first seeming completely unaffected, but soon his movements became sloppy and he seemed groggy. I saw next to him, slowly sipping my own sake.

"You're a horrible drunk," Kisame told Deidara cheerfully. "You're as drunk as a skunk."

"Shut up," said Deidara. "You're even more wasted than me."

"Lies," said Kisame. "At least I can still spell my own name. K-I-S-M-E."

"Idiot," slurred Deidara as he pointed a shaky hand in the general direction of Kisame's forehead. "You spell it K-I-S-A-M-E and I'm D-E-I-D-A-R-A."

"You know," I said. "For a drunkard, Deidara's pretty smart."

"Whose side are you on?" asked Kisame.

"Yours!" I cried.

"She's on my side," said Deidara proudly. "Everyone's on my side – because no one cares about a big, fat, blue beast like you."

Kisame's right eyebrow twitched. "What did you just say?"

"Big. Fat. Blue. Beast."

Kisame leapt across the table and tried to straggled Deidara to death. (Un)fortunately, Deidara ducked Kisame's gasp and then proceeded to try and kill Kisame.

"Should we try and stop them?" I asked tentatively.

"Nah," said Zetsu. "If we're lucky Kisame will kill Deidara and the new can have Hannah all to ourselves."

"Oh… right…"

"We're hungry," said Zetsu suddenly. "We're going to find someone to eat. Tell us if Deidara dies so we can eat his remains."

I blinked and decided it was better not to justify that with a response. So I just watched at Zetsu melted into the seat and disappeared. He was funny like that.

The table was practically empty now. Leader had gone off in search of some new bodies and Tobi had followed some "white bunny" out of the bar and Warg/Jashin/God knows where he disappeared to. And now that Kisame and Deidara were trying to behead each other, I was left sitting awkwardly at the table with Sasori.

"Hi," I said. "What's up?"

Sasori stared.

"Aren't you going to drink anything?" I asked.

"I have better things to do than drink."

"Oh... Like what?"

"Make puppets."

"Oh… That's an interesting hobby."

'It's not a hobby."

I nodded nervously. "Then what is it?"

"Murder."

My heart dropped out of my chest and landed with a squish on the floor (not literally). A shiver ran down my spine as I stared at Sasori's impassive face. In a squeaky voice, I said, "That was a joke… right?"

"No. Everyone should be puppets. Puppets are good. People are bad. The world would be a much better place if everyone was an emotionless puppet." Sasori spoke as if he was explaining things to a child.

"Puppets?" I repeated blandly. "Why puppets?"

"Why not puppets?"

"Er…" I glanced around for an escape route and, thankfully, my eyes fell upon the bathroom signs. I bolted to my feet and said, "Toilet," before fleeing across the room, trying to get as far from Sasori as possible.

_That guy is crazy_, I thought as I wove my way through the crowded bar. _Absolutely insane. Even crazier than Zetsu or Hidan or Kakuzu_.

WHAM!

Lost in my thoughts, I accidentally walked straight into the chest of some guy. I took a step back and, peering at his face, I said, "Sorry."

The guy grinned – he had the most charming smile – and said, "No problem."

I stared.

"Um… Can I help you?" asked the guy awkwardly.

A deep, red blush covered my cheeks and I looked down at my sneakers, scuffing the ground awkwardly. He was really _cute_. Golden curls, bright blue eyes, and a winning smile – he was so adorable!

"No… I… You… Hi." My face was so red and I couldn't even spit out coherent sentences – I must look like an idiot!

The guy laughed (such a cute laugh). "Hi. I'm Hotaru." He held out a hand in greeting.

Trembling slightly, I took his hand. "K-Kate."

"Nice to meet you, Kate."

All I could manage in response was "Mm."

"So," said Hotaru. "You come here often?"

I giggled, trying to push the blush away from my face. "No. I'm from… out of town."

"Me too," said Hotaru with his award-winning smile.

"Oh. Where… are you from?"

"Somewhere."

A smile flashed across my face. "Me too."

He laughed, and I felt a glowing pride grow within my chest. I had managed to make him laugh – accomplishment!

"What bring you to Elberi?"

"Um… visiting…" I said softly. "You?"

"I–"

Hotaru never finished his sentence because, at that moment, a cubby, middle-aged man accidentally bumped into Hotaru and spilt his sake all over the left side of Hotaru's shirt.

"Sorry," said the man.

And then Hotaru set the man on fire.

And I mean _threw_.

Before anyone really knew what was happening, Hotaru punched the man in the guy and flames ignited the man's shirt where Hotaru's fist had just been. The man screamed in agony.

"Help me! Help me!" cried the man, batting his stomach and trying to dash out the flames.

"You brought this upon yourself," said Hotaru. "You spilled damn sake on my shirt. Do you know how much this damn thing costs! More than your fucking life, I can tell you that!" Hotaru laughed maniacally. "Burn, Baby, burn!"

The man screamed as the flames ate him alive.

I stared.

I don't think I like Hotaru very much anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Poor Kate, she has almost no skill in picking guys. Sorry, I haven't updated in two weeks - they have been hell weeks. But guess what! MARDI GRAS BREAK IS HERE! Party it up! hahaha and write. I promise I'll write. So, the sooner you review, the sooner I'll update. Also, check out my profile to see all the AMAZING FANART people have drawn. Do it. You know you want to. It's just a click away...**

**Review, or Hotaru will find you. (Need I say more?)**


	30. The Aftermath

**Chapter Thirty: The Aftermath**

**Hannah**

"I'm fucking bored."

I sighed. "If you say that one more time, Hidan, _it_ is coming out."

Hidan shot me the finger. "Don't be a bitch, Hannah – that's Dessie's job."

"Didn't you lose it?" asked Konan.

"Kakuzu got me another one," I said, shrugging.

"It's more entertaining watching her beat the shit out of Hidan and Deidara," said Kakuzu, justifying his act of near-kindness.

"Kakuzu!" cried Hidan. "How could you help that bitch but not me – I'm your fucking partner!"

"So?"

With a serious of hand signs, Kakuzu summoned the dreaded frying pan and handed it to me. With an emotionless face, I hoisted the frying pan over my head and made a deadly swing in the direction of Hidan. He jumped out of the way, laughing maniacally at my failed attempt. Apparently, this time Hidan was serious about not getting hit.

I tried to hit him again, but he danced out of the way. The fight carried on for a few minutes where I chased him, trying to break his skull open, and he ran away, laughing, and weaving in and out of the forest trees.

Then, Kakuzu's tentacles wrapped themselves around Hidan's limbs. Hidan let out a shriek of horror and struggled wildly.

"Kakuzu! What are you doing, you dumb shit!"

I grinned and slammed the base of the frying pan against Hidan's skull.

"Ow."

Kakuzu realized Hidan and I slung the frying pan over my shoulder, looking triumphant. Konan seemed faintly amused, Itachi didn't care – but C-Itachi, on the other hand, looked mortified.

"You could have killed him!"

"No, I could've," I said. "He's immortal."

"At worst he might have lost some valuable brains cells," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "He can't really afford to lose those…"

"True," I agreed.

"But it's awful!" cried C-Itachi. "How do you think it feels to be beat over the head with a metal frying pan!"

"It's not that bad," said Konan.

"It kind of tickles," added Hidan.

"It's funny more than anything else," observed Kakuzu.

C-Itachi blinked. "It's a _metal frying pan_."

"So?" said Konan. "If we were defeated by such a pitiful weapon, we couldn't call ourselves Akatsuki. It's just more entertaining to let Hannah hit us."

"Just like it's funny to let Dessie kick me between the legs," said Hidan proudly.

Kakuzu snorted.

"Yeah…" I said slowly. "Because you totally _let_ her do that."

"I do!" cried Hidan indignantly.

"Sure…"

Before Hidan could decide which one of us to kill first, Konan strategically pointed out that we should continue walking – we didn't want to fall too far behind the Ikustaka.

Since C-Itachi and I weren't shinobi, we couldn't compete with the others for speed. So, I clambered on to Kakuzu's back and he carried me as they ran. And, in the case of C-Itachi, we all figured it'd be entertaining if Hidan carried him. We ran beneath the reaching branches of the trees, gazing as the beautiful scenery sped by, and trying to ignore the stream of Hidan's cursing.

"It's a lovely holiday…" I muttered.

"Fantastic," added Kakuzu irritably. "Now you know how I feel _every single mission_."

"You poor soul," I said, resting my chin on his shoulder and sighing. "He's giving me a headache."

"He's giving us all a headache," said Konan.

"Can we kill him and ditch his body?" asked Kakuzu. "I'll do the honors."

"That's Itachi's area of expertise," pointed out Konan.

"Hn."

"I think that was a yes."

"Hn."

"That sounds more like a no," I said.

"Damn," muttered Konan. "I knew I should have taken more lessons from Kisame."

"Kisame lies," I said.

"He _edits_ – there's a difference."

"Yes. Instead of Itachi saying 'of course', he says 'duh, you stupid idiot'."

"I like Kisame's edits."

"Your souls will be devoured by Jashin! He'll feast on your flesh and suck the marrow out of your bones! And then you will spend eternal torment in his stomach – until he craps you out and devours you again! Bitches! Whores!"

"That's disgusting," I said.

"When isn't Hidan disgusting?" asked Kakuzu.

"Good point."

And then the conversation stopped dead.

We stepped through the thick forest of trees into a clearing and into hell.

The clearing contained a small village with wooden houses cluttered together and pastures of animals and a big bonfire pit in the center of the town. But that wasn't what stopped us in out tracks. The bodies. There were so many of them. They littered the ground – the bodies of numerous females, all covered in blood. Some were missing limbs, others heads. It was a massacre.

"Damn," said Hidan. "Someone was having a good day."

"I don't think they were sacrificing them to Jashin," said Konan.

"What a waste," said Hidan, shaking his head. "Jashin would be proud of this slaughter."

"It's awful!" cried C-Itachi, his arms wrapped around Hidan's neck. "They're dead! They're all dead!"

Irritably, Hidan dropped C-Itachi to the ground. C-Itachi landed with a heavy thud.

"Fucking annoying," muttered Hidan. He walked away and began wandering amongst the dead bodies. He kicked a couple in the sides and tasted the blood of others. (C-Itachi was retching at the sight).

"Quit being so pathetic," said Kakuzu. "It's boring."

"Boring!" cried C-Itachi. "These people are _dead_. They were _killed_. So _cruelly_."

"Not my problem," said Kakuzu.

C-Itachi turned his wide eyes to me. "Hannah! Surely you understand! You're not a shinobi like them…"

I raised one eyebrow in his direction. "Why did you even come with us?"

C-Itachi shook his head. "I… I don't know." His eyes flicked in the direction of Itachi, who was gazing at the white face of a little girl impassively.

"He's worse than the rest of us," added Konan, almost cheerfully. "He killed his whole family."

"You're… you're monsters…" whispered C-Itachi.

"Well, _duh_."

C-Itachi looked like he was about to cry. I thought he was going to cry. His eyes were glistening with tears – he seemed broken hearted, like we had just told him Santa Claus was a lie.

"Hey! Bitches! Come over here!"

I tore my eyes away from C-Itachi. Hidan was standing beside a little house, a wide grin spread across his face. Curiously, we wove our way through the scattered bodies (Kakuzu walked in a straight path, even though he had to step on some limbs in the process). As we drew closer, the full view became apparent. Hidan was standing over a dead body, but the dead body happened to be lying in the middle of a triangle inside of a circle.

"Dessie…" I murmured.

Hidan nodded. "That bitch, sacrificing people without me."

"So the Ikustaka were here," said Kakuzu.

"Isn't she supposed to be kidnapped?" asked C-Itachi, trembling slightly as he stared at the blood symbol. "Why is she helping them?"

"Why shouldn't she?" asked Konan. "She's just getting some rituals done while being kidnapped – quite resourceful."

"But…"

"My apprentice," said Hidan, almost emotionally. "She's growing up so fast… Making ritual sacrifices all on her own!"

"You're repulsive," I said.

"Hell yeah!"

"At least we know Dessie is alive," said Konan with relief.

"And still killing," I added.

"Hn."

I rolled my eyes in Itachi's direction. "You know you're secretly happy. Kisame always says you like Dessie the best."

"Even though she practically raped him?" asked Kakuzu in surprise.

"Hn."

"We're not Kisame," said Konan impatiently. "Speak human language, please – take a leaf out of C-Itachi's book." She glanced at the pale face of C-Itachi and then added, "Or not… I'd hate it if you became like that."

"We'd kick you out of the Akatsuki," added Kakuzu.

"With a frying pan," I muttered.

"Oh no," cried Hidan, his voice laden with sarcasm. "Not the frying pan."

"Watch it," I said, pointing the frying pan at his head. "If I beat you long enough and hard enough I might destroy all of your brain cells."

"Bitch, it only tickles."

"Eventually it will have an affect."

"Why are you all so cruel to each other!" cried C-Itachi desperately. "Are you really friends?"

Kakuzu groaned. "You know, Itachi, your double is really starting to get on my nerves."

"Hn."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!"

"Look," I said, scratching the back of my heed. "Don't talk about what you don't understand. People like us can't be measured by regular human standards. Hell, knocking someone brains out is a sign of affection with us."

"And kicking someone between the legs is practically saying 'I love you'," added Konan.

"Hell yeah," said Hidan. "We're greedy, selfish, murdering sons-of-bitches, and guess what – we don't give a damn."

C-Itachi looked at a loss for words, but, in the end, there was no need for him to come up with an answer, since the silence was interrupted by the sound of applause. Deep, rhythmic clapping – almost sarcastic – filled the dead village. We all spun around wildly, searching for the source. It wasn't hard to find. Standing on top of a bloodied corpse, was a white-haired, extremely feminine man. He had stopped clapping now and with a smile, turned to address the bulky, ape-like man next to him.

"It looks like we have company, JoJoJo."

"_You_," snarled Hidan, pointing in their direction as if he hoped to stab them to death with his finger. "Durman! Where is Dessie!"

Durman flicked his hair over hiss shoulder. "My wifey isn't here at the moment. The Crow and Aram have taken her ahead to meet the leader."

"Your _wifey_," snapped Hidan. "Like she would ever marry a homo like you!"

"Homo?" I asked. I glanced at Durman and nodded. "That makes so much more sense!"

"I know, right?" said Konan excitedly. "Durman keeps going on and on about Dessie – but really she's just a smoke screen to hide his secret love for – JoJoJo!"

Durman's face was contorted. "What does everyone keep saying I'm gay!"

"Asshole," said Hidan. "If you keep wearing white furs and flicking that stupid hair – _of course everyone is going to assume you're fucking gay_!"

"It's not a bad thing," I said reassuringly. "But I would make our lives a whole lot easier if you just realized it and let Dessie go."

"Maybe we should hold an intervention," said Konan excitedly.

"Hell no!" cried Hidan. "I'm not sitting down and holding a fucking intervention with the Ikustaka."

"It would cost a whole lot less money that chasing after the Ikustaka," said Kakuzu reasonable. "I'm willing to try and intervention."

"I don't need an intervention!" cried Durman. "I'm straight! Straight, I tell you! Tell them, JoJoJo!"

"Well…" said JoJoJo slowly. He avoided meeting his partner's ferocious gaze. "It can't hurt…"

If I had to describe Durman at that moment, I could not compare him to anything than a ticking time bomb. His face was messed up with his eyebrows narrowed and the right one twitching wildly. His lips were fixed in a permanent growl, his white teeth glittering.

I started the count.

One…

Two…

Three…

Durman snapped.

"YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I'LL KILL YOU ALL! I'LL MURDER YOU WHERE YOU STAND! FOR THE LAST TIME! I AM _NOT_ GAY!"

I rolled my eyes. "_Sure_."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I love Mardi Gras. No shit. It's amazing. I just got home from four hours of dancing on top of a ladder and getting beads and other shit thrown at me - and I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY! hahahahaha I love a good carnival. Aaaaaanyways. This chapter is seriously just a here-to-there chapter, which is why it's so short. I tried to make it clear why Dessie and Hannah appear so strong... They're average compared to the Akatsuki and, yes, te Ikustaka too. The Ikustaka though were created for amusement. **

**Check out my profile page for links to awesome fanart! I love you all!**

**Review! Or no carnival for you!**


	31. A Traitorous Man

**Chapter Thirty-One: Traitorous Man**

**Dessie**

Rana was everything every girl wanted to be. She was beautiful, smart, popular, charismatic – and a little busty. Who _wouldn't_ want to be her? No one. But, little did onlookers know, that Rana harbored a deep secret. She had absolutely no romantic feelings for her handsome and extremely sexy boyfriend, Kiyoshi. Instead, Rana only had eyes for her plain (borderline ugly) childhood friend, Masanori. But, much to Rana's horror, Masanori was actually madly in love with an ugly shut-in girl who lived down the road. Filled with a jealous rage, Rana devoted herself to destroying the shut-in girl's life – resorting to petty pranks.

"Why doesn't she just burn the ugly bitch's house to the ground?" I asked.

"Because that's wrong, love," said Aram. "You can't just go around burning people's houses to the ground."

"Why not? Durman does."

"Well, Rana is not a criminal."

"Yes, because taking nude photos of someone and blackmailing her to stay away from your crush is _totally_ legal."

"Rana's just taking the law into her own hands."

I rested my chin in the cup of my hands and stared intensely at the TV screen. "I don't understand."

Aram was sitting on the squishy blue sofa next to me. He leant back casually and draped one arm around my shoulders. After my tenth escape attempt had been thwarted, I gave up on that plan and resigned myself to watching weekend TV dramas with Aram (I don't understand how he watches TV dramas either, but somehow he seems to know exactly how hot everyone of the characters are). He was a little too cuddly for a criminal, but I didn't mind – he made a good pillow when I got sleepy.

"What don't you understand, love?" asked Aram.

"Why does she obsess over Ugly when her boyfriend is so damn drool-worthy?"

"It's a matter of heart," explained Aram. "Let's say, for instance, that you were a plain girl–"

"But I'm not."

"Let's say you are. If I had a choice between the plain you and some super, ultra, sexy girl with a boring personality – I'd choose you. Because your personality makes up for the plainness."

"That's stupid," I said. "You should pick the super, ultra, sexy girl."

"Hypothetical. We all know I'd actually pick her."

"Actually, you'd pick me – because in reality I'm the super, ultra, sexy girl – with my bitching awesome personality."

Aram laughed. "That too."

Rana was currently trying to scratch the shut-in girl's eyes out because the girl had met with Masanori in secret.

"You have to stick you thumb in properly," I told Rana curtly. "Stick it in and dig."

"Kinky," said Aram cheerfully.

I grinned. "You know you like it."

For across the room, the Crow shot us a scathing look. He seemed ready to puke his guts out – whether it was because of the crappy TV drama or Aram's and my mock flirting, it was hard to tell.

The scene changed and now Kiyoshi was confronting Masanori about Rana's love. Masanori had no clue what Kiyoshi was talking about, while Kiyoshi looked ready to punch Masanori's face in. Soon, they were in a massive shouting contest about who knew and understood Rana better.

"Shut up already, you idiot!" I screamed. "You're a damned Hottie and she's a psycho bitch who can't work up the guts to burn down the competitions house! Get the fuck over it!"

"Shut up," snapped the Crow from across the room.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Make me."

The Crow stared at me. His eyes narrowed, daring me to say that again.

I leaned forward and put my hands on my hips, careful so that the Crow could get a full view of my confident grin. "You see, you're too afraid to try."

The Crow got up, walked across the room, and, before I could protest, picked me up and carried me to the closet.

"Put me down!" I screamed, kicking wildly. "I know your weak spot!"

I tried to knee him between the legs, but he caught my knee and pushed it away.

"Once is more than enough," he said dully. And then he dropped me in the closet amongst the shoes and coats, then he slammed the door shut behind me and locked it.

Now, dear reader, before you die of confusion, let me explain some things. While I was unconscious, the Ikustaka dragged me through the godforsaken forest to their ship in some forgotten cove where no one can find us. The leader and the rest of the Ikustaka were away from the ship at the moment, so, while waiting for the others to return, Aram set up the TV (I don't know how he got it working, so don't ask). The Ikustaka's badass ship with built for badasses. It was designed with no way to escape. Even the closet that the Crow had locked in was thick and heavy so that I couldn't break out of it – taking the "naughty corner" to the extreme.

I banged my fists on the inside of the door and yelled, "Hey! Crow! Aram! Let me out! I want to see the end of the show! What happens to that ugly bitch? Does Rana burn down the fucking house?"

No one answered.

"Assholes!"

I sat down amongst shoes and crossed my arms angrily, waiting for one of the jerks to open the door.

"I'd be worried they might forget you're in there."

I stiffened as an all-too-familiar voice joined me in the dark of the closet. Keeping my arms stubbornly crossed, I didn't have to see to know who was stuck in the closet with me.

"What do you want, Squisher?" I asked.

Almost immediately, a blue light filled the closet, illuminating the musty coats and grimy shoes. And – sitting on top of a particular ugly pair of rain boots, was the little blue gnome know as Squisher, the Almighty Four's Right Hand Man.

"Is that anyway to address your betters?" asked Squisher indignantly. "Here I am, taking time out of my busy schedule to come make sure you're alive – and how do you greet me? _What do you want, Squisher_?" He poorly imitated my voice, making it high and squeaky. "The nerve."

"You're as much of a little shit as ever," I observed irritably.

"A little shit!" cried Squisher.

"Yep," I said. "That's you. Kind of like something Kisame would shit out when he's eaten too much fish."

Squisher narrowed his eyes in my direction. "I could just leave."

He turned, as if to walk through a random door in the wall, but I reached out a hand and caught him by the collar. Growling, he turned to glare at me. He didn't resist, though I knew he was more than capable.

"Can a gnome not come and go as he wants around here?" asked Squisher angrily.

"No," I snapped.

"What do _you_ want?"

"What's the deal with the prophecy?" I asked.

Squisher blinked, and then glanced away. After a moment, he said airily, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I shook him violently by the collar and snapped, "Don't lie to me, you little shit."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?"

"Answer the damn question."

Squisher sighed and, with his little blue hands, he grabbed hold of mine and forced me to let go of his collar (I won't go into the gory details, but let's just say his methods hurt… a lot).

"Are you referring to the prophecy where the Demon of Blood will destroy this reality, but, at the last moment, will be stopped by the Lady Chosen?"

I gritted my teeth. "Is there any other?"

"Perhaps."

"Like what?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out when it happens," said Squisher, almost cheerfully.

"And you wonder why I call you a little shit?" I muttered under my breath, and then, louder, I added, "So is it true? Am I the Demon of Blood?"

Squisher shrugged. "Yes."

My eyes narrowed suspiciously. "And is Kate the Lady Chosen?"

He shrugged again. "Yes."

"Did Four know about this when he brought us here from the Fence?"

Squisher glanced at me sidelong, a brilliant mischief glinting in his eyes. "Yes."

"What the hell was Four thinking!" I asked, exploding in anger. "Does he want to destroy this damn reality? Why do we have to do this? Why can't someone from this reality destroy it? Or are they so pathetic that they have to bring in the big guns from a different reality? Send us back! I want to go back! You little shit! Jashin will eat you alive!"

Squisher yawned. "Are you done yet?"

I leapt at him, but he disappeared into thin air. And, even though I couldn't see him, I could hear his final words, "Don't question the will of Four."

I groaned and rolled over, a pair of high-heels digging into my back. I covered my eyes, even though the room was dark. "Well, Dessie," I said grimly. "Look like you have to destroy yet another world – I should make a business of it and charge people. Leader is right – you just can't find any good criminal jobs with decent pay these days."

Just then the door to the closet flew open and the dark, tattooed image of the Crow stood above me. His black hood was covering his black hair and the inked designs on his face were vivid against his pale skin.

"Hello, Sunshine," I said with a smile. "What can I help you with today?"

He didn't say anything, just grabbed me roughly by the wrist and hauled me to my feet. I staggered into the room and saw that Aram was no where in sight and the TV was off.

"So," I asked. "What happened to Rana?"

The Crow ignored me and, keeping a firm grip on my forearm, he hauled me across the room, out the door, and down the hall of the ship. I don't know where exactly we were headed, but we seemed to be walking towards the back of the ship. We came to a halt outside a fancy pair of oaken doors. The Crow threw them open and we stepped in to a finely decorated room. And when I saw fine, I mean _fine_. The bed was hidden behind silk curtain and the side table was laced with gold. A heavy, rich desk with a leather chair rested on the other side of the room. Everything shimmed and shone and glittered – it was an expensive room.

I turned to the Crow with a mad grin and said, "Is this where I get to sleep – _man_, you sure know how to treat a girl well."

And then I realized we weren't alone in the room. Behind the silken curtains were two people. I could only see the shadow of them through the silken curtains, but they seemed, um, rather _intimate_ – if you know what I mean.

"Maybe we should leave them their business," I said, scooting towards the door.

The Crow didn't seem to mind, however, he marched right across room and threw open the curtains to reveal the two figures. Thankfully, they were both fully clothed. The first one I saw was the woman, with deep brown hair cropped short and sorrowful purple eyes. She wore a simple kimono and moved with a deadly grace that reminded me of a viper. Her purple eyes rested on my lightly, and a smile toyed about her lips.

"So this is the brat Durman brought with him?"

"He's not here," said the Crow gruffly.

"Shame."

The second figure moved, stretching and yawning before he wrapped his arms around the woman's waist. I could'nt see his face, which was resting against the back of the woman's neck.

"Who are you?" asked the woman grandly.

"Why should I tell you, bitch?" I asked.

Her eyes tensed slightly, but a second later, she brushed it off with a laugh. "No one Durman brought you – he has this strange masochistic obsession with women who can whip him into shape."

"Sounds kinky," I said. "But I'm more of a sadomasochist. Tough luck for him."

More laughter.

The woman tipped her head to the side and surveyed me quietly. Then, she said, "My name is Yuriko. I'm the Ikustaka leader."

"You're no nearly as scary as Leader," I announced. "He's seven times the leader you'll ever be… literally… There's seven of him…"

She laughed harder.

The man finally moved. His raised his head from her neck and said, wearily, "All your laughing is making it hard for me to fall asleep. Hold still, woman."

I think my jaw hit floor level.

"What?" asked the man irritably. "You never seen anything this hot before?"

I blinked.

"_What_?"

And then I leapt on him.

Before anyone even knew what was going on, I was sitting on his chest on top of the bed, pounding my fists into his face and yelling a series of curses at the tops of my lungs.

Everyone was too stunned to do anything.

"You cheating son-of-a-bitch!" I howled. "You traitorous bastard! I'll kill you! I'll cut you up into tiny pieces and sacrifice each piece to Jashin-sama so that he can throw you into a world of torment! No! On second thought, I'll feed each piece of you to Warg! He'll feast on your flesh and won't give any to Jashin-sama – _Hidan, you liar bastard, how dare you cheat on me with that whore_!"

The bloodied face of Hidan stared at me in blank horror.

"Who are you?"

I stared. "Um… Your ex-girlfriend?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I wrote this in an hour. All for you, my loves. hahaha literally, it was for you. I was pouring myself some tea and I said - Fallen, you need o sit down and write the damn chapter - you owe it to everyone who had ever read your damned story. So, I sat down and wrote for an hour and voila! Here it is. This was a fun chapter to write! Dessie, Dessie, Dessie. Aram has grown to be loved in my heart. **

**Anyways, REVIEW OR THE CROW WILL THROW YOU IN A CLOSET WITH SQUISHER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA**


	32. Good Bye Hair

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Good Bye Hair**

**Kate**

"BURN ALL YOU DEMONS! FACE THE FIRES OF YOUR OWN DESTRUCTION! I WILL SEND YOU ALL TO THE FIERY PITS OF HELL WHERE YOU WILL FACE INFERNO AND WEEP IN MISERY! CRINGE! CRY! CRUMBLE! KNEEL BEFORE THE MASTER OF DESPAIR – OR FACE THE PENALTY OF _DEATH_!"

Some woman in the corner of the room exploded into flames. She screamed in horror while her husband dumped his bottle of alcohol over her head. People were running in directions, heading for the exit or hiding under tables. Shouts, screams, violence – some people even tried to stop Hotaru, but he turned them all to ashes.

I stood stock still in the middle of pandemonium and stared.

"Why does this always happen to me?" I asked.

No one heard me. They were all running away from the spot in middle of the room where Hotaru was dancing in circles, waving his fingers in the air, spewing fire in all directions and laughing his head off maniacally.

"COWARDS!" he screamed. "PATHETIC! RUN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN OR THE FIRE WILL DEVOUR YOU ALL!"

One of the jets of flames from his fingers burst in my direction. I raised my hands to cover my face. For a moment, my hands felt as though they might catch on fire themselves, but then the moment past and the jet of flames had disappeared. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then, I heard a dark laugh from beside me. I looked over my shoulder to see the orange mask of Tobi. Only it was the _other_ him. The Madara version.

"Stop him!" I cried, waving a hand towards Hotaru. "He'll burn the place to the ground!"

"And I care, why?" asked Madara.

"Because… Because…" I blinked. I couldn't come up with an answer. "I don't know! Because that's what they always do in the movies and the books! You're supposed to save people and buildings and all that."

"But I don't care."

I threw my hands up in the air and sighed. "I give up."

"Good. Oh. And your hair's on fire."

My eyes widened and I raised a hand towards my blond hair, only to feel the intense heat of the flames. I screamed and batted the flames with my hands. The flames subsided for a moment, only to rise back with a vengeance. I screamed and danced on the spot (similar to Hotaru's crazy dance, only with less insanity).

"Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!"

Madara laughed villainously.

"Madara!" I screamed. "Put it out!"

He patted me once on the back of the head (it was more of a whack than a pat, now that I think about it). The fire all but disappeared and, with a sigh of relief, I patted my hair to see how badly distorted it had become.

"Aw man," I groaned. "I was growing it out! Why can't I get it cut normally for once!"

"What happened last time?" asked Madara, sounding rather bored.

"You remember," I muttered darkly. "Tobi set it on fire."

[See _Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki_ for reference]

"The world is obviously trying to tell you something," said Madara wisely.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't care. That's for you to figure out, isn't it?"

Hotaru had hopped on one of the tables and was now chugging down a bottle of sake, while trying to burn a hole in the wall. The bar was almost empty now, except for a few people who had chosen to cower under the tables – they were now sneaking towards the exits, hoping that the pyromaniac madman didn't notice them.

"He's starting to get on my nerves," muttered Madara.

"Oh good," I cried. "Please, kill him."

Madara glanced at me skeptically. "Since when do you enjoy watching people die?"

"Only when they burn my hair right when I'm in the middle of growing it long."

"_Madara_."

I doubt he fought for my sake. In fact, everything I logically know about Madara tells me he would never fight for my sake. But still, as Madara stood heroically in front of me, staring apathetically at Hotaru and challenging Hotaru to a fight, I could not help but think that Madara looked really cool right then. With his short, spiky black hair and fire-red eye – even though he wore Tobi's orange mask, there was no way Madara could ever be mistaken for Tobi.

Madara was obviously the strong of the two. With his rippling arms and masculine body, he made the small and skinny Hotaru look like a shrimp. Throughout the fight, as he threw Hotaru across the room, I could not help but think that Madara resembled some great Greek hero…

That was until Hotaru decided to laugh a giant fireball that blew up half the room.

I screamed and covered my head as bits of wood and mugs and debris came crashing down on top of me. I crouched on the ground for a while, my hands plastered over m y forehead. Then, after the rubble had stopped falling, I lifted my head and saw, standing amidst the ruins of the bar, Madara and Hotaru.

Hotaru looked ready for revenge, while Madara… Madara just looked plain bored.

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU LOWLIFE BEGGAR SCUM!" howled Hotaru, pointing wildly at Madara. "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DEFEAT ME! THE FIRES WILL CONSUME YOU UNTIL SUFFERING HAS NO MORE MEANING IN THIS WORLD! THEN THE FIRES WILL TURN YOU OVER TO DEATH ITSELF AND DEATH WILL LET YOU TASTE THE AFTERLIFE!"

"Shut up," grumbled Madara, rubbing the side of his head. "You're giving me a headache."

I felt a warm blush rise to my face. _Madara is so cool_, I thought, almost dreamily.

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!"

Madara yawned beneath his mask. "Ah. So dull."

"YOU–"

I didn't get a chance to hear what other insults Hotaru threw at Madara, because, at that moment, someone grabbed me from behind and pressed the cold, hard blade of a knife to my throat. I tried to scream, but the knife blade caught my cries and I swallowed away the shock.

"Surrender! Orange-Mask! Or your woman dies!"

I couldn't see the man behind me, but I could hear his rough, scraggly voice. Hotaru paused in his attempts to kill Madara long enough to stare at my kidnapper.

"What are you doing here, Kenta?" asked Hotaru irritably.

"I thought you might need some help," said the deep-voiced Kenta, not unkindly.

"LIKE HELL I NEED YOUR HELP!" yelled Hotaru at the top of his lungs (he had a lot of a vocal power for such a short, scrawny person). "JUST BACK OFF AND LET ME KILL THIS GUY ON MY OWN!"

"From what I saw it looked like he was getting the best of you," said Kenta calmly.

"SHUT UP!"

Hotaru sent a blast of fire in our direction. I screamed, terrified that Kenta would keep my hands restrained and use my precious face as a shield against the fire. However, Kenta leapt nimbly out of the way.

"You'll have to try better than that, Hotaru," said Kenta. "It's almost disappointing."

"JACKASS!" screamed Hotaru.

He raced across the rubble in our direction. For a second I thought he had changed targets, but, at the last second, Madara appeared out of nowhere and kicked Hotaru in the jaw. Hotaru went flying through the air and crashed into the last standing brick wall of the bar. It crumbled to pieces.

"Aren't you supposed to be fighting me?" asked Madara.

My face turned red like a tomato. "He's so cool…"

"I assume you're not talking about the pyroidiot," said Kenta dully. "Why is he wearing an orange mask?"

"It's not his mask," I explained. "It's Tobi's mask."

"Who's Tobi?"

I shrugged (harder to do that you think when a knife is pressed to your throat). "The owner of the mask."

"That doesn't answer anything," muttered Kenta.

"And yet it answers so such," I said cheerfully, still watch as Madara (with all his rippling muscles) pounded upon the skimpy Hotaru.

"ASSHOLE! DEMON! BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! THE FIRES WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!" howled Hotaru between Madara's punches. Hotaru's face was beginning to resemble a squashed pumpkin.

"This is sort of amusing," said Kenta.

"Don't you think he's handsome?" I asked, gazing at Madara dreamily.

"No."

"Well," I said gloomily. "You _are_ a guy, you can't possibly understand… unless you're gay – are you gay?"

Kenta snorted. "Who do I look like to you? Durman?"

"I don't know what you look like," I said softly. "My back is turned to you."

"Oh right," said Kenta thoughtfully. "You're my hostage."

"I shouldn't have reminded you…" I muttered.

"No. It's good. What's your boyfriend's name?"

"Kisame," I said. "But he's not here."

"Then who's the one fighting Hotaru?"

"Madara."

"So you have a boyfriend but you're lusting after this Madara?" asked Kenta. "Damn, your love life must be complicated."

I rolled my eyes. "You have no idea. See, first I had a thing Patrick, then Dan and Mark and Steven and Henry and… Jo-Jo and Eddie and Mark the second and Matt and Mattie and Oliver and Edward and Mark the third and David and Scott and Renwick and Joe and Phillip and Geoff and Hayden and Adam and Brett and Finn and Tobi and Itachi and Sai and now Madara… But Kisame's still my boyfriend."

Silence.

"Damn."

"So what about you?" I asked. "What's you love life like?"

"Well," said Kenta thoughtfully. "It can't compare to yours. See, I had this childhood friend and Anya who I've always loved… but in between there was Yuki and Setsu and Satsuki and Eimi and Arisa and Fumiyo and Tsukiko and Sara and Hinata and Tsubuki and Tomiko and Risa and Rika and Rina – they were a set – and Hana and Amiyu and Chiyo."

I blinked. "Wow… Kenta… We're like Love Life Soul Mates!"

Kenta laughed, a deep, throaty laugh. "I know! I wish we had time to sit down of sake and discuss the bowels of our complicated love lives, but, unfortunately, our companions are fighting."

"And you have a knife pressed to my throat," I added helpfully.

"Sorry about that," said Kenta. "Necessary thing."

"Oh, don't worry about it," I said. "I understand. When you've been with the Akatsuki for long enough near death experiences are a regular thing."

"It's the same with the Ikustaka."

I paused. Forgot to breathe. And then said, "Ikustaka!"

"Hey! Madara!" shouted Kenta, his voice reaching across the ruins of the bar and interrupting the heated fight between Hotaru and Madara. They both stopped mid blow and turned to stare at Kenta, who pressed the knife even close to my throat. "Madara – if you don't stop this instant, I'll kill the girl!"

Madara stared at me.

My face started to grow warm.

"Whatever. She doesn't mean anything to me." Madara threw another blow at Hotaru.

All the blood left my face.

"Scratch that," I announced. "I don't like him anymore."

"I understand your pain," said Kenta comfortingly. "One time Amiyu used me to make her boyfriend jealous… or as it Arisa? One of them did. It was quite painful. I lay in bed for two whole weeks until Hotaru set fire to the building and I had to evacuate."

"He, um, sounds like I good friend…"

"He is," said Kenta proudly. "When he's not trying to kill everyone."

"And how often is that?'

"Er…"

"Hey! Asshole with the dark hair! What are you doing to my girl!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see, standing a top a massive pile of bricks and stones, the hulking figure of my very blue boyfriend. He looked sort of pissed off. I smiled at him, to show him that I was okay (maybe it would calm him down a little, he looked kind of scary standing there with his massive sword held high over his head).

"That would be your boyfriend?" asked Kenta.

"Yep!"

"He… looks kind of blue…"

"He always looks like that."

"Oh…"

"Let her go, asshole," bellowed Kisame. "Or I will rip your head from your neck and serve it for the sharks to dine on."

"Is he some sort of shark fanatic?" asked Kenta.

"Probably," I said. "But I think the fanbase expanded it a little and now the author just likes to make random shark jokes to keep the old gag running."

"Ah. Tell her she needs a new Kisame joke."

"That would be Kisame the Love Guru."

"He doesn't look like much of a Love Guru," observed Kenta.

"Well," I said. "When he's holding a giant sword above his head, he kind of looks more like a murdering lunatic than a Love Guru…"

Kisame charged. Kenta jumped. I fell flat on my face.

Something was going on above my head. I don't know what. I lay face down on the ground and tried to image that I was an ostrich. A nice ostrich that can burry her head in the ground and pretend there is nothing bad in the world. La-dee-da, oh look at the time – do you think that violence is over yet? Probably not. That's okay. The ground is very comfortable. Make like an ostrich. Or a possum. Maybe I'm a possum. Playing dead because no one cares about dead things… except vultures. Then they eat them… Ew. I'll stay an ostrich.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

My head jerked up. It looked like ostrich time was over. However, one look at the scene in front of me and I wished I had stayed an ostrich.

The one screaming his head off was Hotaru. Kisame had successfully managed to lob Kenta's head off (as promised). The head now lay a few feet to the right of me and the body law a few feet to the left.

I screamed.

And then fainted.

Yeah, I don't know how I manage to live with the Akatsuki either.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This chapter is dedicated to Cloud Travel Today - thanks for my first insulting review! It made my crappy day so much better, because - guess what - I have AMAZING and LOYAL reviewers who have helped me reach my goal of 2,000 reviews and they've kept with me throughout this story too - so, tell me how crappy my writing is and I can update my fanfiction and smile all the way. Have a nice day!**

**I don't feel like doing the traditional threat-to-review. Is that a threat in itself? A breaking of tradition... dun dun dun.**


	33. Masters of the Night

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Masters of the Night**

**Hannah**

"Fifty on Hidan," I said thoughtfully. "And sixty on Konan."

"I'll bet fifty for Durman," said Kakuzu. "But there's no way I'm betting JoJoJo over Konan. Konan not the only girl in the Akatsuki for no reason."

"I know," I said. "She's the only one who doesn't have the title 'whore' attached to her membership."

"But you make such a good whore," said Kakusu. "You make lots of money."

Kakuzu and I were sitting at the base of an old oak tree on the outskirts of the massacred village. Itachi was leaning against the side of the tree to next to Kakuzu, looking faintly bored with the whole affair, while C-Itachi paced the ground in front of us, fretting madly about things I don't understand. In the village, amongst the corpses of the Daughters of Darkness (we finally figured out who they were) Konan and Hidan were fighting Durman and JoJoJo.

Hidan had taken it upon himself to slaughter Durman – which was only fair since Durman had kidnapped the love of Hidan's life (Dessie should be honored). The fight seemed evenly matched, though, for the most part, it had been yelling insults at each other and cursing and bragging about who Dessie loves more so far. Durman had thrown a couple of punches and Hidan at made a couple of scythe swings. Other than that, neither had moved from his original position.

Konan and JoJoJo on the other hand were much more exciting. They ran about the village wildly, Konan doing all sorts of crazy things that I can't even describe with her paper while JoJoJo used his massive and unrealistic strength to counter her attacks. However, Konan obviously had the upper hand and it was only a matter of time before JoJoJo fell.

"What are they doing!" wailed C-Itachi. "They'll kill each other!"

"Well," said Kakuzu impassively. "That was the idea."

"Kill is never a good idea!" cried C-Itachi. "Everyone is a living, breathing human being! We're all the same! We all feel the same! How can we kill someone who is just like us!"

"For money," Kakuzu said bluntly.

"Because they're going to kill us first," I added.

"Hn."

"He means because they're about to do something stupid that will destroy the world as we know it," I translated helpfully.

C-Itachi stared at us for a second before he returned to his fretting.

"If he keeps pulling his hair out life that he's going to go bald soon," I muttered.

"Any bets on how long that will be?" asked Kakuzu.

"Five days," I said.

"I say four."

"That's not funny!" cried C-Itachi.

"We're not laughing," I said. "We're betting money on it. It's a very serious matter to whichever one of us loses."

"Just like you're betting money on your friends' lives!" cried C-Itachi, waving a hand in the direction of Hidan and Konan (Hidan and Durman had finally started physically attacking each other and it looked like they were evenly matched… that is until Hidan managed to slice open Durman's cheek).

"It's over then," I said. "Hidan's won."

"It's not over yet," said Kakuzu.

We watched as Hidan made the circle with a triangle in it and brought out with black spear. Durman was helpless on the ground.

"You know," I said. "It's a shame he never got to come out of the closet while he was still alive."

"We can put 'Durman – may he be a reminder to all closet dwellers' on his tombstone."

"Aw," I said. "Isn't that sweet."

"No."

"Good. I hate sweet things."

"You two are repulsive," snapped C-Itachi.

I gritted my teeth. "You know, C-Itachi. You're really getting on my nerves. Why the hell did you come along with us if all you're going to do is complain and complain and complain about how evil we are? We're a criminal organization – of we're evil."

"But… I thought you'd be one of those good criminal organizations…"

(Insert massive face-palm here)

Instead of responding, I watched as Hidan stabbed himself over and over again while Durman rolled about on the ground, writhing in agony. Konan and JoJoJo had disappeared. Hidan struck the final blow and, wiggling in delighted agony, he watched Durman die at his feet.

"It's a shame," I said.

"_Is that all you can say_!" cried C-Itachi incredulously. "You despicable! I hope you die at the hands of the Akatsuki yourself some day! God knows it–"

I never got to find out what God knew, because – at that very moment – Itachi stabbed C-Itachi in the stomach with a kunai.

Everything went very still. Kakuzu and I stared blankly at the two Itachi's unable to comprehend the bizarre scene in front of us. Itachi was… killing himself? Yeah. Stranger things have happened.

C-Itachi's eyes were very wide and his mouth was hanging open. A little bit of blood appeared in his mouth seconds before his legs collapsed beneath him.

"Itachi," I said. "You killed Itachi."

"C-Itachi," corrected Kakuzu. "Good. He was getting on my nerves."

"He was getting on all our nerves," I said.

"Hn."

"Still," I muttered. "I will be forever scarred with nightmares of Itachi killing himself…"

"You make it sound like he committed suicide," said Kakuzu with faint amusement.

Konan emerged from behind a building, wiping the blood off her hands with a piece of paper. Apparently JoJoJo wouldn't be a problem anymore. Hidan was jumping up and down on Durman's dead body, cackling something evil about Girlfriend-Stealing-Bastards. Yep. Stranger things have happened.

* * *

><p>"Why do we have no money?"<p>

"Don't remind me. I'm going to kill someone if you remind me again."

"Get over it, Kakuzu."

The two of us were sprawled on a bench in a park of a nearby village. As it turned out, Konan had interrogated JoJoJo before killing him and managed to uncover the location of the Ikustaka hideout. Konan, Hidan, and Itachi had gone to search for information and a means of transport, while Kakuzu and I lounged about in the park (we were supposed to be looking for an inn to stay the night, but since we were completely broke, searching was redundant).

"We should earn some money," muttered Kakuzu.

"How?"

"The way we usually do."

"Giant black market scams that get every single crook and con pissed off at us?"

Kakuzu smirked. "The other one."

"Stealing candy from a baby?"

"Try again."

"Hired professional?"

Kakuzu nodded once. "Think of it as Return of the Masters of the Night."

I laughed. "You've become rather fond of that title, haven't you? Though it lost its grandeur after Tobi stole it. Remember at the celebratory parade in Suna after we defeated the Wargonians?"

"Didn't Itachi win the award?" asked Kakuzu grouchily.

"Probably. He wins everything."

We sat in silence for a moment, staring as two kids – a boy and a girl – played tag of the green grass lawn of the park. They giggle and laughed and smiled, glowing in the radiance of one another's presence.

"Want to go find someone to kill?" I asked.

"Only if they pay me."

"Deal."

We got to our feet and left the park. We walked side by side along the rocky trail, which, as we left nature's sanctuary, transformed into a sidewalk. Eventually, we found a sketchy-looking bar on the side of the road and slipped inside. Almost immediately the entire population had heard of the new arrivals. Bustling with excitement, the entire bar was paying rapt attention as we squeezed through the crowded room to the counter.

"Hey," said Kakuzu gruffly to the bartender.

"What ya want?"

"A job."

"We ain't hiring."

Kakuzu snorted. "Not that kind of job."

"What other kinda job is there?" asked the bartender, scrubbing a dirty looking glass with an even dirtier looking cloth.

"Hitman."

Silence was left between the two men. The bartender eyed Kakuzu suspiciously and then spared an after thought for me. I met his gaze firmly and in the end it was him who looked away.

"Hitman," repeated the bartender. "Why would you say a thing like that?"

"Just give me a damn job before I rip your head off and feed it to your customers."

"Er… right." The bartender ducked under the counter and began searching for something. A minute later he resurface, holding a stack of papers in his hands. He skimmed the contents of the top paper and said, "Someone wants you to kill a guy for a ring."

"For a ring?" I asked, somewhat incredulously.

"It's not just any ring," said the bartender. "It's the Ring of Four."

"Four?" I glanced at Kakuzu inquisitively.

"Never heard of it," said Kakuzu with a shrug.

"Me neither."

Kakuzu turned back to the bartender and said, "How much is the employer willing to pay for said ring?"

"Ten thousand."

Kakuzu didn't miss a beat. "We'll take it."

"Who do we have to kill?" I asked.

On the paper the bartender handed over there was the image of an old man with thinning silver hair, loose, wrinkled skin, dressed in monk's robes on the page.

"He looks easy."

* * *

><p>Never judge a book by its cover is a wiser saying than you will ever know.<p>

Finding the old man at his shrine for Four was easy (apparently Four is a god). Breaking into his shrine was easy (it's open for visitors at any time). Locating the damn ring was easy (he wore it on his finger). The hard part – the part we never expected – was when Kakuzu tried to steal the ring, the old man (Futshuji) was a master martial artist.

Within two seconds of grabbing Futshuji by the throat and starting to crush the man's neck, Kakuzu found himself sprawled on the floor at Futshuji's feet.

"Wow," I said. "That was _fast_. I've never seen you in such bad shape, Kakuzu."

"Shut up," said Kakuzu, staggering to his feet. "The bartender lied and said he was just an old man. I'd like to see you fight him."

"Well if you can't beat him – I certainly can't."

Futshuji's eyes flickered between us, unsure which one to strike first. He was standing in the middle of his bedchamber, the huge four-poster bed behind him with a glass window overlooking the city. His eyes were narrowed with concentration.

"Who are you?" he asked. "Why have you come?"

"If we told you that," I said. "It would ruin all the fun."

"Who are you?" repeated Futshuji stubbornly.

Kakuzu didn't give me any time to answer. In one slick movement, he detached his right arm from his body and hurled it at Futshuji. Futshuji didn't have time to dodge at the hand fastened around his neck and refused to let go. Futshuji's eyes bugged out, but, a second later, he brought his hand crashing down on a pressure point in Kakuzu's arm and the hand relaxed.

"Don't take me lightly," snarled Futshuji.

"I wasn't planning on it," said Kakuzu before letting out a jet of wind that ripped a hole in the side of Futshuji's bed chamber. It would have ripped a hole in Futshuji too if he hadn't leapt out of the way at the very last second.

"Damn," murmured Kakuzu, but he didn't know the half of it.

Not only had Futshuji dodged Kakuzu's attack, but, amidst the smoke and dust, he scampered across the room and grabbed me by the wrist with one hand clamped around my throat.

"Don't move," Futshuji hissed, his hot voice sticky against my ear. "Or I'll snap your throat in two."

The smoke cleared and Kakuzu stood on the other side of the room, staring at the scene before him.

"Really?" asked Kakuzu dully. "You're going to threaten the girl?"

"I'll kill her," warned Futshuji. "If you don't tell me why you're here."

"Go ahead," said Kakuzu. "She's expendable."

There was a sharp intake of breath from Futshuji. "I mean it!" When he realized Kakuzu wasn't about to budge, he turned his attention to me. "Girl, tell me – why are you here."

His grip on my throat eased so that I could talk and, icily, I said, "To kill you." And then I took a leaf out of Dessie's book and slammed the back of my heel between Futshuji's legs. He dodged, but dodging my blow required him to release my throat. I pushed him away and leapt across the room to Kakuzu's side.

"Asshole," I said. "Way to be heartless."

Kakuzu smirked. "I was bluffing."

"Liar," I said. "You're a way better bluffer than that."

"You can take care of yourself."

"Yes, but that's beside the point."

"What did you want me to do?" he asked. "Get pissed and threaten to chop his head off like Kisame? Or go on a violent rampage like Hidan and curse the guy out? Or maybe I should've just blown up the whole damn room."

"Good points," I said. "You're right – your way is best."

"What are you two conferring about?" asked Futshuji, eyeing us suspiciously.

"You know, Kakuzu," I said. "You should just kill him. No more messing around."

"Fine, fine. As payment for not being desperate enough to save your life."

"It's almost payment."

With a laugh, Kakuzu leapt across the room and engaged Futshuji in combat yet again. I won't bore you with the details. Kakuzu threw a punch, Futshuji. Futshuji kicked, but Kakuzu blocked it – _boring_. Basically, in the end, Kakuzu ripped Futshuji's head off, stepped over the puddle of blood to pull the ring off Futshuji's finger and then we left.

"All this trouble for a little ring," I said, inspecting it carefully as we strolled down the street away from Futshuji's humble abode (it was a three story mansion).

"We need to pay the bartender a visit," muttered Kakuzu.

"Because he lied to us? Are we going to rip his head off too?"

"Probably."

"I have a better idea," I said.

"What?"

"Do you know what the black market price for this thing is?" I asked.

"Ten thousand?"

"Uh-uh-uh. I asked around while you were searching for Mr. Futshuji the Badass Old Man. Fifteen thousand."

Kakuzu's eyes lit up at the thought. "You mean the bartender shorted us."

"Definitely."

Kakuzu smirked. "And I supposed you've already found us a buying customer."

"Of course," I said, a demonic smile crossing my face. "Who do you take me for?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Guess what! This story is, at this moment, 99 reviews away from 1,000! YAY! Countdown to 1,000 reviews! (I love you all! Everyone who has ever review, thank you and keep up the good work on your end and I'll keep up the good work on mine!). hahaha Anyways, I think we should all sit back for a moment a consider exactly how far away from the plot of Naruto I have gotten... The thought makes me laugh. My logic is: If you want the plot of Naruto, go read Naruto. I'm just borrowing the characters, that's all. **

**Review! Or you will face the furry of the Masters of the Night! **


	34. Hidan and Yuriko

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Hidan and Yuriko**

**Dessie**

"You bastard! You cheater! How dare you do this to me! I will beat your face black and blue!"

Yuriko (that sluttish whore) was standing in front of me, her hands placed on her hips. Her short brown hair was slightly mussed up (where _my_ Hidan's hands had been) and her kimono was crinkled. Despite her disheveled appearance, she was quite beautiful (that doesn't mean she isn't a whore though). Hidan stood behind her, his bare chest exposed and his bleeding nose clutched between his finger (I'm proud to say I am the cause). The two of them stood in front of me, who was currently kneeling on the floor with my arms and legs tied up – so that I wouldn't try to kill Hidan again. Unfortunately for them, tying me up did not mean that I couldn't scream my lungs out.

"Someone shut her up," muttered Hidan.

"I will not be silence, you cheating asshole!" I screamed. "Even Itachi didn't cheat on me!"

"Itachi?"

"Don't play dumb with me!"

"She seems to know you," said Yuriko, eyeing Hidan suspiciously.

"I've never seen her before in my life!" exclaimed Hidan.

"Liar!"

"Shut _up_," snapped Yuriko.

I glared. She glared. Sparks seemed to fly between us. Hidan was too busy tending to his nose, which was now gushing blood, to notice.

"I don't have time for your raving," said Yuriko, waving me off (which means she surrender to me while trying to look cool). "I don't even want to fight with you."

"Don't want to fight?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "How boring. Fighting and killing are the only worthwhile things in this world."

A small, almost amused smile crossed Yuriko's face. She watched me carefully for a second, before saying, "And that's why you're the Demon of Blood who will one day destroy this world."

"And then the Lady Chosen will stop me."

"Not necessarily," said Yuriko. "It was predicted that there would be a Demon of Blood who would destroy this world and the Lady Chosen who would save it. The two would fight and the winner would determine the fate of Seanova."

"Fun…"

"Dessie," said Yuriko. "Join the Ikustaka and help us rule the world." She extended a hand to me with a warm smile on her face.

"No thanks," I said, smiling sweetly in return. "I'm already part of a criminal organization and, to be honest, they're way more crazy, insane, and hardcore than you can ever be."

Yuriko's eyes narrowed. "You're rejecting my offer?"

"Yep. Though, you should have seen this coming – why would I accept the offer of some bitch who tied me up?" I thought about this for a second. "You probably have some bondage fetish. Sorry, but I'm not into the whole S and M thing."

I swear I saw her left eyes twitch. She looked practically murderous, but I continued smiling sweetly back, thinking that the moment I am free of these bonds I would sacrifice her to Jashin. And make Hidan pay the price for cheating on me – that bastard.

"You should join," said Hidan (his noce had finally stopped bleeding). "We need you on our side."

"As if I would ever be on the same side as a cheating bastard," I said, my sweet smile fading into a glare of death. "And why are you so hell bent on me joining you anyways? If you cheat on me, you obviously don't need me – or my glorious chest."

"Where did the chest comment come from?" asked Yuriko confusedly.

"I can't have cheated on you," said Hidan wearily. "I don't know you."

"What?" I growled. "Did you get amnesia or something? And, Yuri, my dear, you have to admit that these breasts of mine are absolutely splendid – especially when compared to those little peaches of yours."

"I'm a C cup!" cried Yuriko indignantly.

"Sure you are. Anyways, Asshole," I said. "Answer the damn question."

"Why do I want to destroy the world?" asked Hidan. "Because this world is a bitch."

"Life's a bitch in heels," I said. "Why does it matter?"

"This world – with all its warring factions – murdered my sister."

"I don't think a world can physically murder someone…"

"We were caught in the middle of a war between the Okensai and Kikensai – and one night the Kikensai decided to raid the rumored meeting place of the Okensai – only that rumored meeting place was near the orphanage where my sister and I lived! The Kikensai set fire to building and the fire spread to the orphanage. I was out begging in the streets when it happened and by the time I returned, the orphanage had burned to the ground with my sister in it! I hate this corrupt world the most! And I will burn it all to the ground in revenge!"

I yawned.

"Don't yawn at me, bitch!" snarled Hidan. "How dare you seem indifferent! My sister! My beloved little sister died!"

"That's nice. My mother died. My father abandoned me. And the people who raised me died too. It's all part of the bitch called life. Get over it."

"How am I supposed to get over it!"

I frowned. "Hidan, I never took you to be such a weak person. I would never sleep with a guy so whiny and pathetic. Aren't you supposed to be stubborn and willful? What the hell happened to that side of you?"

"Don't call me pathetic!"

"I'll call you whatever I want to call you, you cheating bastard."

Yuriko sighed and pressed the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "I can't put up with this anymore – she's giving me a headache. Hidan, love, go find the Crow and him throw her in the brig. You and I need to talk."

Hidan cheerfully left the room and a minute later (a minute I spent smiling at Yuriko and plotting her very violent death) he returned to the black-clad, depressing Crow. I smiled brilliantly at the sight of the Crow and cried, "Hello, dahling! How have you been? Did you miss me?"

The Crow scowled and glared.

"I think he secretly missed me," I told Yuriko.

"Just get out of here," she snapped.

With just one arm, the Crow lifted me from the ground and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He turned around and headed out the door of the captain's chambers.

"This is indecent!" I cried, trying to kick him in the stomach while I struggled like a dying fish against his iron grip. "Let me walk at least!"

The Crow said nothing and Hidan closed the door behind us as we left.

I couldn't see where the Crow was taking me, but he carried me through the hallways and down a flight of stairs until we reached the dark and dank cells that must have been part of the brig. The Crow grabbed a set of keys off the hook and unlocked the first cell. Without as much as a care for my wellbeing, he threw my into the cell, closed the door and locked it, and the left.

I sat in the cell, my arms and legs still bound with rough ropes.

"This sucks!" I screamed to no one in particular. "Should the Demon of Blood really go through such treatment! I'm the bitch who will destroy your fucking world and you with it! Show some damn respect, would you? I'll turn into a giant Godzilla and eat you all alive! I swear it!"

No response. Not that I expected one.

"So bored!" I hollered. "At least give me something to entertain myself with! Like a game device! Or somebody to kill! Jashin needs his sacrifices! Warg damn."

The cell was boring. I don't know how long I was in there for, but I napped for a little while, rolled around on the floor like a worm, and cursed out every human being I know – and still I was confined to the dark cell.

"This sucks!" I shouted.

"I know."

I froze and, rolling over onto my stomach, I stared up at the door of my cell. His purple eyes glowing in the dark, Hidan stood with his hands clutching the cell door and his face pressed against the bars.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"What do you want, you cheating bustard?" I turned my head away from him, tilting my chin upward.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he said. "I didn't mean it. I'm supposed to be infiltrating the Ikustaka and I couldn't break my cover."

"You weren't looking for me?" I asked irritably.

"I'm sorry…"

"Asshole. Whenever I go missing you're supposed to get pissed off, come hunt me down, kill my kidnapper, and then curse me out and tell me that if I ever get kidnapped again you'll sacrifice me."

Hidan blinked. "I-I do that?"

"I supposed Leader told you not to look for me. I have this annoying habit of getting kidnapped."

"Right…"

"I'm not even that kidnappable, you know. I kick and scream and beat my captors up."

"Yeah. I know."

I grinned. "Hidan! It's glad to have you back! I was so worried about you – being with that whore, Yuriko, and all."

Hidan nodded. "Yeah." He hesitated. "Dessie… You know… you should join me. If you help the Ikustaka we could complete the mission Leader gave me together. It's no fun being here without you."

I tilted my head to the side and stared at him. A small smile toyed at my lips and I nodded. "Yeah. Anything would be fun with you by my side."

"Right, right," said Hidan. "So I can let you out of your cell and we'll tell Yuriko that you've decided to join us."

"Yes!" I cried. "Untie me, please! These ropes are a pain in the ass."

Hidan pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the cell. He stepped inside and, pulling a knife from his belt, he cut off the ropes. The second I was free he flung his arms around my neck and gave me a gigantic bear hug.

"I missed you," he said.

I smiled. "But now we're back together and we can sacrifice that bitch to Warg."

"Right," said Hidan, releasing me and leaning back with a wide grin. "Warg will be appeased."

I punched him in the face.

"To hell with you!" I screamed. "That idiot Hidan would never want to appease Warg! Warg is the sworn enemy of Jashin! Jashin who reigns supreme and shall one day devour your sad, pathetic soul! Don't you dare pretend to be Hidan, you bastard!"

While the fake Hidan sat on the ground in pure horror, I darted towards the door of the cell and slammed it shut behind me. I stuck my tongue out at Hidan and sprinted towards the stairs.

I didn't get very far though. The Crow was waiting at the exit. Before I could take ten steps, he caught me around the waist and carried me back to the cell. He let the fake Hidan out and threw me back onto the floor.

"I told Yuriko she wouldn't believe me," said Hidan.

The Crow didn't respond.

"You imposter!" I screamed. "You're not Hidan! You'll never be Hidan! You're just a whiny, fake imposter! Pathetic! Loser! Go to hell!"

The fake Hidan ignored me, and, with the Crow following close behind, he left me in the bowels of the brig. I sat back on the ground and sighed heavily.

"I will kill you," I muttered. "I will tie these ropes around your neck and hang you from the mast of this damn ship. I will take you knife and cut your heart out and feed it to the Crow. I will slice you to tiny bits with Leader's sword and feed you to the shark. I will sacrifice you to Jashin and he will send you to a world of torment. You cannot live in this world. No one with his face can live in this world. You have invoked the wrath of Desdemona Lee, the Great and Might One, Follower of Warg and Current Follower of Jashin, Akatsuki Whore. Prepare to meet your doom."


	35. Bedtime Stories

****_**Summary of Events: In some random town that no one cares about the name of, Kate, Leader, Kisame, Sasori, Tobi, Zetsu, and Deidara met two members of the Ikustaka - Hotaru and Kenta. Kisame killed Kenta, however, when Kenta threatened Kate's life. **_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Five: Bedtime Stories<strong>

**Kate**

"Tobi thinks the grass is pretty. Tobi thinks the window is pretty. Tobi thinks the building is pretty. Tobi thinks the sky is pretty. Tobi thinks Hannah is pretty. Tobi thinks Dessie is pretty. Tobi thinks the ocean is pretty. Tobi thinks the flowers are pretty."

"Right," I muttered. "Everything is pretty."

"Tobi thinks Itachi is pretty. Tobi thinks rain is pretty. Tobi thinks the sun is pretty – though it hurts to stare at for a long time. Tobi thinks Deidara-senpai is pretty. Tobi thinks the mountains are pretty."

"You think Itachi is pretty?" I asked. "And Deidara?"

"Deidara-senpai is pretty like a girl," said Tobi cheerfully. "Tobi just wants to dress senpai up in a high school girl's uniform and bring him home!"

I decided it was safer not to respond to that little information sharing. Instead, I continued my patrolling through the town in silence. Tobi skipped along behind me, a foolish grin undoubtedly plastered on behind his orange mask.

We were supposed to be looking for Ikustaka members, but one look at Tobi would tell anyone that we weren't concentrating on our job too much. Kisame, Sasori, and Leader were back at some bar getting drunk and laughing and Tobi and my misfortune having drawn the short straws. Zetsu and Deidara were patrolling as well, though I doubt they were faring any better.

We turned right on an empty street. My heart skipped a beat as I realized how dark it was, and, unconsciously, I drew closer to Tobi.

"Tobi thinks the darkness is pretty."

"Tobi…" I said slowly.

"Yes?" he asked excitedly, almost jumping up and down in his hypernes.

"What is…?"

Cold hands grabbed hold of my shoulders.

I screamed and leapt about a foot in the air, hobbling away from the person behind me and gasping for air. Deidara stood there, grinning demonically and waggling is fingers in my direction.

"Did I scare you, uhn?" he asked.

"N-no," I lied (poorly).

"Honesty is the best policy," said Zetsu, materializing beside Deidara. In the shadowy alleyway I could see the faint outline of a misshapen Venus flytrap chewing on something large and lumpy.

"What are you eating?" I asked tentatively.

"We found some dying hobo on a street corner," said Deidara. "Zetsu was hungry, uhn. And we figured – waste not, want not."

I felt a little greenish.

"Tobi thinks Zetsu is pretty too."

"Thank you," said Zetsu between bites of hobo thigh. "We think you're pretty too."

"How can he be pretty, uhn?" asked Deidara. "He wears a mask all the time."

"It's about what's on the inside," said Zetsu's white half. "All that meaty flesh inside is good," agreed the black half.

Yep. Needless to say I don't understand how Hannah can remained married to, um, that.

"You know, Tobi," said Deidara thoughtfully. "Since you and Zetsu are all pretty – maybe you two should work in a group together and I'll take Kate, uhn. I'd rather have a girl who screams and does nothing than a cannibal."

I smiled. "It's nice to know my screaming and doing nothing is appreciated."

"That has got to be the most sarcastic comment I have ever heard from you, uhn," said Deidara thoughtfully.

"Deidara," said Zetsu, having finally finished devouring the hobo leg. "Are you saying you don't want to be partners with us?"

"Yep," said Deidara.

"Even the completely useless girl makes a better partner than us."

"Yep."

"_Deidara_," snarled Zetsu. He leapt toward Deidara, who hopped out of the way at the last second and pulled some clay out of his side pouch.

"Zetsu," said Deidara, already beginning to shape his clay piece. "I'm gonna blow you from here to the edge of this fucking alternate reality."

Zetsu opened his mouth wide and – _chomp _– bit down on Deidara's right hand with all his might. Deidara let out a cry of agony and jerked his hand away.

"You asshole, uhn!" cried Deidara. "You bit me!"

"You were going to blow us up," said Zetsu. It was, I had to admit, a fair point.

"Bang! Bang!" cried Deidara. "I'll blast you to bite size pieces id you ever bite me again!"

"We're willing to take that risk."

"Now, now," I said, waving my arms in a desperate attempt to capture their attention. "Can't we talk about this?"

"_You will all burn in hell for what you've done_."

I leapt a mile in the air as the curse from a thousand hells echoed throughout the alleyway. Zetsu and Deidara immediately ceased their arguing and tensed, waiting for the assailant to appear. Tobi, on the other hand, skipped about in a circle, giggling maniacally.

"Who is it?" asked Zetsu.

"What do you want, uhn?"

"Can you come a play with Tobi?"

For once in my life, I knew something the others didn't. Making sure to keep close to Zetsu and Deidara for safety's sake, I cried, "Hotaru!"

"Hotaru?" asked Deidara incredulously. "That nut from the other day?"

"The Ikustaka," added Zetsu.

"Yeah, but even for one of the Ikustaka he's pretty crazy," pointed out Deidara.

"_I heard that you sons of bitches_!"

"I'm a girl," I muttered.

"You hear that, uhn!" shouted Deidara. "She's a _girl_. You can ask Kisame if you don't believe us!"

"_I don't give a damn what gender she is! Just bring Kenta back!_"

"We can't bring him back," said Zetsu, sounding almost bored. "He's dead."

"Tobi can bring him back!"

We all stopped and turned to stare at the orange masked man who was currently doing somersaults in the street (don't ask me why, I don't really know).

"Tobi," said Zetsu. "Can you really bring Kenta back to life?"

Tobi blinked. "No. Where did you hear a silly thing like that?"

[Insert massive group face palm here]

"_So you're liars as well as murderers_."

"Oh yes," said Deidara, rolling his eyes. "Because you're completely white. Never killed a man at all or stood around laughing your head off while one burned to death."

"DON'T SHIT WITH ME YOU UHN-ING IDIOT!"

Hotaru came flying out of nowhere, his arms outstretched, eyes wide, and flames bursting in all directions. Deidara leapt out of the way at the last second, while Zetsu sunk into the ground and materialized somewhere else. I, unfortunately, was not a ninja and had none of these amazing ninja-like skills. The flames came right at me and all I could do was scream.

_WHACK_!

Someone – or something, you can never really tell nowadays – slammed into my side, forcing me out of the way of the flames. My head cracked against the pavement, but other than that, I was in one piece. Groaning, I opened my fluttering eyes and saw that, crouching beside me with one visible, wild eye was Tobi.

"Thanks, Tobi," I said.

Tobi stared at me, his blood-red eye narrowing.

I blinked. "Sorry. Thanks, Madara."

"That's better," he growled. He stood upright and regarded Hotaru, who stood on the other side of the street. I have to admit, Hotaru looked like an avenging angel. His golden curls were slightly mussed up and his beautiful face was darkened with rage. Flames danced around him, intensifying with each second that passed by.

"Someone has anger management issues, uhn," said Deidara irritably.

"SHUT UP! YOU ASSHOLE HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE ME! YOU WILL BURN UNTIL YOU SCREAMS REACH EVEN THE MOST REMOTE HELL! YOU WILL KNOW PAIN AND SUFFERING AND DEVASTATION AND MISERY – I WILL TORMENT YOU UNTIL ALL YOU CAN DO IS CRY AND SCREAM AND WEEP!"

Madara vanished from my side and, before anyone knew what was happening, materialized in front of Hotaru. He pulled back his fist and – _whack_ – punched Hotaru in the face.

Hotaru flew backwards, his flames disappearing and his back slamming against the brick wall of an old building behind him.

"Shut up," said Madara. "I get enough of threats to be tormented for a million years from Hidan and Dessie. Don't make me listen to your incessant screaming too. Besides, your threats aren't nearly as creative."

Hotaru picked himself up and, using his sleeve, wiped some blood trickling from his mouth. "You'll pay for that, asshole."

I covered my eyes and cried, "Don't kill him!" (I don't know which one I was speaking too). But in the end it didn't matter, because any fight between Hotaru and Madara came to a halt as someone lifted me from the ground and flew into the air. When I opened my eyes again, I was on top of the old brick building staring down into the alleyway as Hotaru, Zetsu, Deidara, and Madara stared up at me.

"Kate!" called out Deidara. "You look so small!"

"Shut up!" said the gruff voice behind me, pressing a knife to my throat. "Or I'll kill her!"

"Why!" I wailed. "Why do I always get kidnapped and threatened at knife point!"

"It's because you're useless," said Madara. "And for some reason the Akatsuki actually cares what happens to you."

"Not really," said Zetsu. "We keep her around until she fattens up a little."

I squeaked and grabbed hold of the arm holding me. "Help me! Mister! Help me! That crazy cannibal plant wants to eat me!"

"Let go of me!" snapped my captor.

I spun around, still clinging to his arm and balancing on the edge of the building, and stared up at his face. He was wearing a black hood over his messy black hair. Dark inked tattoos covered his face, tracing intricate designs across his cheek bones and the bridge of his nose. (He might have been handsome; it was hard to tell with the hood and tattoos).

"Help me!" I cried.

"No!" he said and then pushed me off the edge of the building.

I screamed the whole way down.

Thankfully, Zetsu was decently enough to catch me (Zetsu of all people!) and as I stared up at his half black and half white face and adorably soft yellow eyes, I thought I might just fall in love with him. Then he said: "I couldn't let my meal go splat on the pavement. It's unhealthy to eat off the ground."

Zetsu put me down and, with a little shriek, I scurried away to cowered behind Madara.

"Pathetic," muttered Madara.

"Hotaru!"

Our eyes followed the sound of the voice. The figure who had captured me had jumped down from the building and now stood beside Hotaru, his face grave.

"The Crow," said Hotaru through gritted teeth. "What do you want?"

"Where's Kenta?"

"Dead."

"How?"

Hotaru shot a killer glare in our direction. I waved nervously.

"Forget it," aid the Crow. "Hidan and Yuriko demand that you return."

"Fine. Fine. _Just let me kill them first_."

"No. Now."

The Crow turned around and walked away. For a moment, it looked like Hotaru was gong to disobey. Then, he rolled his eyes and hurried after the Crow. But, before he disappeared, Hotaru turned around and pointed wildly in our direction.

"I'll kill you!" he shouted. "On Kenta's grave, I swear it! I will kill you all!"

It might have been scary if he hadn't started laughing like a maniac.

"He's weird, uhn."

"Definitely."

* * *

><p>Leader was angry when he learned that we had let the Ikustaka get away. Not so much angry and furious and vengeful. So, after a series of death threats, Deidara, Kisame, Sasori, Zetsu, and Leader decided to retire for the night (death threats can be very tiresome). I remained at the bar, not because I was tired, but because Madara was sitting there by himself, holding a bottle of sake and looking very pensive. Awkwardly, I slid into the seat next to him.<p>

"Hi."

No response.

"So…"

Dead silence.

I bit my tongue and decided it was best just to spit it all out. "WhyareyouandTobisharingabody?"

Madara paused half way through a sip of sake (don't ask me how he's doing it since he's wearing a mask). "What?"

I inhaled deeply and, as slowly as possible, careful to annunciate each and every word, I said, "Why are you and Tobi sharing a body?"

"Oh." Madara put down the bottle of sake.

For a second, I thought he wasn't going to reply. We sat opposite each other with painful silence stretching between us. I shifted uncomfortably and Madara stared intensely at the table top. Then, finally, he said:

"Tobi was a stupid boy. He still is a stupid boy. He was weak, but he wanted vengeance against Konoha for the death of his family. So, he decided to summon me. Stupid boy. The only way to summon me was to share his body with me. We see the same things, hear the same things, smell the same things, say the same things – but we're too different people… Stupid."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. So I just sat there and nodded stupidly. "Uh-huh."

"Usually he's in charge of the body," continued Madara, ignoring my stupid head bobs. "But ever since we've come to Seanova, I've been coming into control more and more."

"Yeah."

"Four and Squisher are probably responsible."

"Yeah."

Madara glanced up at me, yanked out of his revere. "Are you an idiot? Don't sit there and nod your head. No wonder you're so useless to the Akatsuki."

"Yeah."

Madara stared at me, scrutinizing whether or not I was serious.

"You're a bigger idiot than Tobi."

"Yeah."

* * *

><p><strong><strong>**A/N: I didn't do an author's note last time because I was in a rush. I've decided to do the "summary" thing at the top so you don't forget what's going on in everyone's plots. For those of you who love Kate/Madara moments - this chapter is for you! hahaha I fail at writing romance. Whatever. umor story, not romance. I think, in accordance to character's backstory, this chapter is the furthest I've deviated the truth. Well, after the manga had the whole "I'm Madara - I'm not Madara" thing I just gave up and said "To hell with it, I'm making up the Madara-Tobi backstory." **

**Review! Or Leader will threaten the shit out of you and you'll have to go to bed out of sheer exhaustion. ... Lamest threat ever.**


	36. A Paper Bridge

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Kakuzu are searching for the Ikustaka who have taken Dessie captive. The group has already killed two Ikustaka members: Durman and JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo (I forget how many Jos there are).**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Six: A Paper Bridge<strong>

**Hannah**

Thank Warg/Jashin/God for Konan – the only one of us who actually bothered to question an Ikustaka member about the whereabouts of their base. It turns out that the Ikustaka's hideout was located in a cove on the coast of eastern Seanova. So, when all things were said and done, Konan rented us a ship and, with Kakuzu behind the wheel, we took to the seas.

"Thank Jashin the Akatsuki is not a pirate organization," groaned Hidan as he leaned over the ship's railing.

"Just make sure you don't puke on deck," I said. "Because you're cleaning it up."

Hidan's didn't reply as he retched over the side of the ship. When he resurfaced, his face was tinged with green.

I shrugged and walked across the ships deck. Itachi stood on the other side, his elbows resting on the railing and his eyes gazing over the sea. At least he didn't look like he was about to regurgitate his stomach.

"What's up?" I asked, leaning against the rail beside him.

"How much longer do you think it'll be?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid to ask Kakuzu or he might chew my head off. The only reason he's steering the ship is because Konan promised to pay him."

"Hn."

Silence fell between us.

"You think we'll get Dessie back?"

"Probably."

"Do you miss her?"

"Hn."

I raised one eyebrow in his direction skeptically. "So you are worried?"

"Hn."

"Not replying properly is even more suspicious, you know."

"Hn."

I sighed and decided to abandon Itachi to his internal musings. Instead, I ventured to the front deck of the ship, where Konan had hold of the wheel and Kakuzu used his wondrous tentacles to control the rest of the ship.

"Having fun?" I asked Kakuzu.

"Just think of the money," he muttered under his breath.

"He secretly enjoys it," said Konan.

"Of course he does," I said, shrugging.

"Think whatever you like. We're here," announced Kakuzu, dully. His tentacles did something funny and the ship came to a halt, drifting on top of the salty sea water.

Konan released the steering wheel and stepped across the deck. Her eyes were fixated on the cliffs before us. Like a jagged knife edge, the rocks jutted out over the sea, slicing splashing waves to shreds. The cliffs towered over us, their shadows swallowing the ship (named the Dead Maiden) whole.

"I don't see the cove," said Konan skeptically.

"It's hidden," said Kakuzu. "Obviously."

"Sorry," snapped Konan. "It's not like I make a hobby of hiding large objects."

"You're an S-ranked criminal," said Kakuzu. "The art might do you some good."

The three of us stared at the cliffs for a moment, while Itachi and Hidan joined our little group (though Hidan still looked a suspicious shade of green).

"Where's the damn cove?" asked Hidan.

"Hidden."

"So then how are we going to find it?"

Kakuzu considered this for a second. However, Konan responded in a heartbeat. "We're not. You are."

"Me?" asked Hidan, before darting to the railing and gagging repulsively. He hug limply over the railing and groaned like a dying animal. "I'll do whatever gets me off this fucking ship."

"You're immortal," explained Konan. "You can swim underwater and find a way into the cove without being seen by the Ikustaka,"

"Just because I'm immortal doesn't mean I don't have to breathe," said Hidan wearily.

"Yeah," said Konan. "But you can drown and still live."

Hidan groaned again.

"How does he find a hidden cove?" I asked.

"If I knew that, it wouldn't be hidden," said Konan wearily. "Hidan can find it… probably."

Hidan threw up one more time and, after a second's consideration, he stood upright, stripped off his shirt, and dove head first into the turmoil ocean. We all leaned over the railing to see if we could spot Hidan, but he was so far below the surface that not even a shadow was present.

"I hope he does wash up on the cliff," said Konan.

"That would make a bloody mess," agreed Kakuzu. "Don't get your hopes up though, he won't die."

"I hope he doesn't die," said Konan. "Otherwise Dessie would be alone for the rest of her life!"

Kakuzu snorted. "I'm sure she could find some new Hottie to latch on to."

Konan looked devastated at the thought.

"Or we could just say they're soul mates meant to be together for eternity," I said dryly. "I don't think it matters in the end."

"Why?" asked Kakuzu. "What happens in the end?"

"They lose their tempers and kill each other."

* * *

><p>Hidan showed up about an hour later, fully recharged and dripping buckets'-worth of water on the deck. He grinned triumphantly and announced that he'd found a side passage through the cliffs that led to the cove where the Ikustaka's ship lay anchored.<p>

Excitedly, Konan had Kakuzu lower the rowboat and we all filed in. Hidan and Kakuzu were in charge of rowing (because Konan insisted girls shouldn't have to row when big strong men were around and because Itachi is just far too cool to row). Complaining and grumbling all the way Hidan and Kakuzu (who was not being paid for his services) took us across the water in the direction of the deadly cliffs.

As we approached, a small opening came into view. At the bottom of the cliffs, where the water met rocks, what seemed like a crack had formed, opening up to be large enough to fit a full grown man. Using his ever handy tentacles, Kakuzu held the boat away from the cliffs and we all clamored out of the rickety boat and into the crevice. After tying up the boat semi-securely, we set off on our adventure through the cracks (sounds ominous).

"This is kind of creepy," I said after my right shoulder brushed the slimy wall. "You think there're dead things down here."

"Maybe the Ikustaka stows the corpses of their victims in here," said Hidan thoughtfully.

"Would they be skeletons?" I asked. "Or just decaying."

"Decaying," said Kakuzu. "The Ikustaka members aren't much older than you."

"How old is Hannah?" asked Hidan suddenly. "And the others?"

"I'm twenty still," I said. "Kate's twenty-one. And Dessie would be twenty-one except she's immortal."

"She'll be twenty for all eternity," said Hidan cheerfully,

"Two years younger than you for all eternity," added Konan dreamily.

"Elder superiority," said Hidan. I couldn't see his face through the darkness, but I was certain he was grinning demonically right now.

"Now if only Dessie actually listened to her elders," said Konan forlornly.

"Hn."

The conversation had only just come to a halt when we stepped out of the tunnel through the cliff and into the dim sunlight of a cove. The tunnel came out a few feet over the water level, with smoother cliffs walling the cove in. There were what appeared to be stairs carved into the cliffs on the other side of the cove and a white-sand beach below. The cove almost looked like an isolated paradise, except for the pirate ship planted in the middle.

"The Ikustaka," breathed Konan.

"So Dessie's somewhere in there," said Itachi.

"If they haven't decided to kill her already," I added.

Kakuzu sighed. "You're not supposed to be so cheerful about your friend's death."

"Is it a problem?"

"No. Just an observation."

"How did they get in here?" Konan wondered aloud.

"Probably some secret entrance," said Kakuzu with a shrug. "To do with the tide."

"How are we going to get onto the ship?" asked Itachi.

"Hell if I know," snapped Hidan irritably.

Konan smiled and stepped forward. With the merest tremor of her hand, millions of paper shards sprung out of nowhere and, as if given a life of its own, the paper began to connect itself. Round and round they swirled, joining, pasting, forming. Until, at last, the true image was revealed.

A bridge.

A bridge made of paper extended across the water from the entrance of the tunnel to the deck of the ship.

"Well, If our arrival was a secret," I muttered.

Konan smiled. "But it looks pretty."

"And it's fucking easier," said Hidan. "At least now you don't have to go through the drowned rat experience."

"Like you?" I asked.

"I was a zombie drown rat."

"Even better."

Konan stepped onto the paper bridge first. Her steps were easy and trusting – complete confidence in her architecture. I was less certain. I edged out across the paper road, careful, in case the entire structure should collapse beneath me. Kakuzu tried to appear completely at calm, through there was a slight hesitation in his steps that might not have been noticed if I hadn't known him so well. Hidan strolled across the bridge without fear (what does an immortal have to fear?). And Itachi… well, he was Itachi and nothing scares him.

We arrived on the ship without interruption. Despite the obvious "Hello, We're Here" display of Konan's bridge, none of the Ikustaka seemed to have noticed us yet. Perhaps they felt so secure in their secret cove that they didn't bother to keep a lookout.

"Over confident," said Kakuzu irritably.

"Leader would be murderous if we ever slacked off this much," agreed Konan.

Hidan shuddered. "Fucking Leader gives me fucking nightmares with his fucking threats."

"Could you possibly say fucking anymore times in one sentence?" I asked, rolling my eyes to the high heavens.

"Fuck yes."

"Fucker," muttered Kakuzu. "Can we get on with finding Dessie?"

"Kakuzu," I said, with mock surprise. "I didn't know you cared."

"She might give me a reward fee."

I laughed. "This is Dessie we're talking about. Money means as much to her as a pile of shit. The only time she'll ever give you money is if you have a hot car in exchange."

"I don't get it," said Kakuzu, wandering across the deck of the ship with the rest of us close behind. "So much money, but she gives it all away."

"Beauty is all that matters in this world," said Konan rolling her eyes. "Beauty and divine punishment – as Dessie says."

"Moron," muttered Kakuzu. "Money makes the world go around."

"Correction," I said. "Blackmail makes the world go round – and then you can use it to extort money from people."

"You're all idiots," said Hidan. "Jashin makes the world go round."

Konan sighed. "The eternal argument of the Akatsuki: how does the world spin?"

"Gravity," supplied Itachi.

"But that's such a boring answer," I complained. "You have to make up something villainous and crazy – like killing off one's own annoying family makes the world go round. Or 'my eyes make the world go round'."

Itachi stared.

"Don't worry about it," said Konan, patting my shoulder. "To Itachi creativity is a sin."

"Yay…"

"Who's there!"

Our heads snapped up to see a shadowed figure standing atop the wheel of the ship. I couldn't see his face clearly since it was covered by the shadows of the cove, but he seemed strong and imposing – definitely a member of the Ikustaka.

"You shit!" shouted Hidan. "You fucker! Give my damn Dessie back or you will know the wrath of Jashin!"

"Dessie?" asked the shadow man. "Did you just call her _your _girl?"

"Fuck off!"

"Sorry, man, but Dessie is my girl."

The shadow man leapt off the wheel and landed lightly in front of us. For the first time I could see his face clearly – he was blind. Or, more accurately, he had bandages wrapped around his eyes to prevent him from seeing. He was dressed like a monk with a sheer hair cut and thin brown robes.

"Who are you?" asked Kakuzu bluntly.

"Aram," he said cheerfully. "Dessie's lover."

"I thought that was Durman," I said.

"I stole her away," said Aram. "It's not like she was ever interested in Durman."

"Good point," I said. "So what does she see in you?"

"My good looks, charisma, and my skills in bed."

I nodded. "Fair enough. And what do you see in her?"

A wry smile spread across Aram's face. "Everything."

I grinned. "I like you. Alright, you can date Dessie."

"What!" cried Hidan. "You bitch! Don't give this asshole permission to date Dessie! That bitch will eat him alive! "

"Then isn't it a good thing if she dates him," said Kakuzu.

Hidan bit his tongue, regretting his words. "Can't we just sacrifice the asshole to Jashin and solve the problem?"

"I don't see why not," said Konan.

"Hn."

Hidan drew his scythe and pointed it directly at Aram. "Prepare to die, shithead. Jashin will feast on your bones and suck out the marrow."

"Charming," said Aram.

Hidan swung his scythe –

_Clang_!

The sound of scythe hitting sword echoed through the cove. Hidan blinked, surprised to find himself face to face with a woman dressed in a kimono. Her eyes flashed as Aram stood behind her, looking impatient.

"Yuriko," complained Aram. "I was going to fight him."

"I've got him," said Yuriko, pushing Hidan's scythe away with her katana. Then she caught sight of Hidan. Froze. Blinked once, and then recovered.

"Yeah," said Aram. "But I was going to fight him for the love of Dessie."

"Don't use your playboy antics to torment the enemy," said Yuriko wearily.

"But it works so well."

"Playboy antics?" growled Hidan. "You mean you're cheating on Dessie?" He glanced at Yuriko. "With this ugly wench?"

"Did you just call me ugly?" Yuriko's eyes narrowed. "Don't be a shit, Hidan."

Hidan blinked. "Bitch – how do you know my name?"

"Don't treat me like a moron, Hidan," snapped Yuriko. "I know a betrayal when I see one."

"What the hell?"

"Hidan…" said Konan slowly, her voice reaching all new levels of deadly. "Are you two-timing Dessie?"

"Jashin damn!" screamed Hidan. "I've never seen this ugly bitch before in my life!"

"When did your mouth get so foul, Hidan?" asked Yuriko. "Or was the kind you just an act?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" repeated Hidan. "If you don't tell me right now, I will cut your head off!"

I raised my eyebrow in Yuriko's direction. _It couldn't be…_ I glanced at Kakuzu and saw the same thoughts running through his mind. And, of course, Itachi had figured it out already. Konan opened her mouth to say something, but I caught her eye and shook my head. Let Hidan figure it out for himself. It's more entertaining this way.

"What's going on?" asked Aram.

"Hidan's betraying us."

"What?" gasped Aram. "As if Hidan could ever betray you."

"I can't betray the ugly bitch," said Hidan. "Because I don't know who the fuck she is."

"Is that supposed to be Hidan?" asked Aram.

"Yes."

"It's not."

"It is. I'd recognize his face anywhere – even if his speaking changed."

Aram sighed. "Yuriko. Let's go."

"What?"

"Let's go. Hidan will meet us later."

"I will not!" shouted Hidan. "Unless it's an opportunity to cut your heads off, I'm not coming with you anywhere!"

Yuriko seemed reluctant, but, after a moment, she reached some sort of resolve. With two steps she grabbed Hidan by the collar and pulled his lips onto hers. Pulling away, she said softly, "I hope you'll rethink your actions, love."

Then she and Aram leapt off the ship and disappeared into the ocean waters.

"They didn't put up much of a fight," said Kakuzu, rather disappointed.

"What the hell was that?" asked Hidan. "That bitch was crazy! She kissed me! The whore! The whore! I'll fucking kill her! And that playboy asshole dick too! I'll fucking kill them!"

I smirked. "Well that was interesting."

"Should we tell him now?" asked Konan.

"Nah. He'll find out soon enough."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I want to make a bet with you. Here's the bet: My school year finished the first week of June. I will finish this book (all 83 chapters) by then IF AND ONLY IF YOU ALL REVIEW EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER FROM HERE ON OUT. I mean sufficient number of reviews. I swear, I will finish fifty chapters in two months (you all know I can), but you need to help me too. You see, it takes a lot of support from you to do all this writing and want help. So, review, give me support, and I will turn out chapters like no tomorrow. So, can you do it? **

**P.S. I'm thinking of making a third book in the series just so it feels more complete to me.**

**Also, review or you'll get kissed by Yuriko (that ugly Hidan-stealing bitch)**


	37. A Loving Reunion

_**Summary of Events: Dessie is locked up in a cell on the Ikustaka's ship. She has just discovered the existence of C-Hidan and vows to kill him.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Seven: A Loving Reunion<strong>

**Dessie**

I can see him before me. That face… those purple eyes, usually filled with Jashin-worshipping violence but now soft and tender (Blargh!)… that face, belonging _only_ to my Bloody Hottie now worn by some stranger who doesn't even swear… I will kill him. I can see the knife on the floor, its edge sharpened to perfection. I can see the gun, loaded and dying to be smoking. I can see the rope, fitted perfectly for his neck. This Hidan can die, right? Bloody Hottie is immortal, but this is a different Hidan, the Hidan from this reality… It's a mortal sin! There can be only one! Even in an alternate reality there can be only one Hidan. I will travel to them all. Every single ultimate reality and kill every single other Hidan until only the Bloody Hottie remains. I will kill them all.

"Dessie!"

My heart twitches. How dare he use that voice! How dare he imitate him!

The footsteps draw closer. Boots on wood. And then, he comes into view. The same silver hair, the same purple eyes – but it's all a lie.

"_You_," I snarled.

The fake Hidan looked mortified. "Eh?"

"_You_." I repeated stubbornly.

"Yeah. Me. What about it, bitch?"

"_Why aren't you dead yet_?"

Hidan blinked. "Fuck. Have they brainwashed you?" He pulled the scythe off his back and, with one easy swing, sliced the bars of the prison to pieces. He stood in the hallway, staring at me.

I stared back.

And then sprang.

Arms outstretched, I reached for his throat. Hidan ducked at the last second and I slammed into the bars of the cell opposite.

"What the hell, bitch?" shouted Hidan. "Are you insane!"

"You will die!" I howled. "How dare you! How dare you! Warg is evil! Evil I tell you! But you walk around shout praise Warg like some dumb idiot!"

"Since when have I praised that shitty god?" asked Hidan. "His followers tried to kill me!"

I charged again. This time Hidan caught me by the wrist and twisted it around.

"Go ahead and break it," I snapped. "It'll heal in seconds."

"I _know_," said Hidan impatiently. "I've been immortal for years. You've been an immortal of months." He squeeze my arm and then threw my onto the floor with a painful whack. "_Don't think you've become the fucking master already, you shiity ungrateful apprentice_!"

I froze.

…

…

…

System rebooting.

"HIDAN!"

My arms acted on their own, wrapping themselves tightly around his neck and refusing to let go even though my brain was screaming _Run away! Run away! He'll probably end up molesting you or sacrificing you to Jashin!_

"Hidan!" I cried again (traitorous mouth). "Hidan! Hidan! Hidan!"

"Eh?"

"Where have you been? Why were you all messed up? Did you kill Yuriko? You didn't kill Aram, did you? He's pretty cool. The Crow is gone, but you can kill him too. He's annoying. Hidan! Where're the others? Hidan! Are they alive? They'd better be alive! I'll kill you if they aren't. Hidan! And this time I mean it! Jashin! I haven't sacrificed to Jashin in days! Hidan! We need to go on a killing spree!"

Hidan blinked.

"Well, say something?" I howled.

"Bitch!" snapped Hidan. "I'm still recovering from your multiple personality disorder!"

"I can't help it!" I screamed. "You were praising Warg the other day!"

"To hell I was!"

I didn't say anything. I stared at him, unable to believe it. Those eyes… They were filled with the same violent, mass murdering hatred that they usually are! That face – fuck, shit, hell, bitch – every other word a curse! Hidan! Bloody Hottie! He's back!

I kissed him.

Hey – it's not like we're dating or anything… So don't get any ideas, readers.

Then, I hopped out of his arms and sprinted up to the deck.

The light of day almost blinded me. I raised a hand to cover my eyes and squinted out across the deck. Konan and Itachi stood out their, their eyes scanning the area. When they caught sight of me their expressions changed (well, Itachi's stayed the same, but I'd like to _think_ his expression changed when he saw me).

"Dessie!" cried Konan, hurrying over excitedly. "Who found you? Was it Hidan? Did you have a romantic reunion?"

"Where'd the go?" I asked.

"Who?"

"The Ikustaka."

"Oh. They jumped off the ship right after we arrived. You should have seen Yuriko. She went ballistic at Hidan and then kissed him. She probably mistook our Hidan for C-Hidan."

I wasn't listening. Without so much as a pause, I sprinted towards the edge of the ship, launched myself from the railing, and dove deep into the water of the cove.

Being immortal is a funny thing. I can't die underwater, but I do need to breathe. So, as I swarm through the depths in the direction of the stairs entrance, my lungs began to feel the tightening pain. I was suffocating. But I wasn't dying. There's a difference.

The water was silent. Filling everywhere. My arms fell into a rhythmic stroke and my legs kicked desperately. Before long, my hands touched the rough stone of the wall and I pushed upwards, gasping for air as I resurfaced. I was next to the wall with the bottom of the stairs only a little ways away. I swam over and clambered up the slimy, damp steps.

JoJoJoJoJoJo was, apparently, the one who had carved the steps from the wall. It had been a birthday present to Yuriko since she was sick of having to crawl through the tunnel and take a rowboat ashore if she ever wanted to visit a nearby town. The steps jutted out three feet from the wall and were moss-covered at the bottom where the water lapped against with the rising and falling of the tide.

I sprinted up the steps, not caring if I slipped and fell (immortality makes one careless). My goal was somewhere up ahead. They were somewhere up ahead.

I reached the top of the stairs, and stepped out into a vast, green pasture. The grass had grown high, almost reaching my shoulders. It concealed the cove well and, if someone was wandering through the pasture he would not see the cove until he practically upon it.

However, the concealment did not work the other way around,

In the distance, I could see the remaining members of the Ikustaka hurrying through the grass. Yuriko, in her kimono, Aram, still blindfolded, and _him_.

"Stop!" I screamed, my voice falling still on the pasture. "Stop! Halt! Stop!"

I sprinted through the long grass, stumbling and ripping clumsily. The Ikustaka did, surprisingly, stop. And, as I approached, tearing grass from its roots in my haste, Aram called out, "Shouldn't you be with your rescuers?"

"Maybe she wants to stay with us," said the fake Hidan sarcastically. "Because she loves us so much."

"I don't know about you," said Aram. "But Dessie loves me a lot. We were lovers in a past life."

"Don't spread shit around," I snapped.

"I can see the love," muttered the fake Hidan.

"Shut up!" I howled at him. Suddenly, I raised a hand and pointed in the direction of Aram. "You can go. I have no quarrel against you. In fact, I kind of like you. Go."

Aram stood there mutely for a second. Then, after some consideration, he turned around and left, weaving through the blades of grass that only came up to his waist.

"Aram!" cried Yuriko. "Where are you going! Aram!"

"Sorry, darling," said Aram. "I'm not getting involved in your lovers' quarrel."

"_It's not a lovers' quarrel_!" Yuriko and I screamed in unison. "_Hidan does not love that whore_!"

Aram threw back his head and laughed. He did not stop walking, however, and he left us to our own devices.

"Crazy guy," muttered the fake Hidan. "I knew we shouldn't have hired him."

Yuriko was ignoring the fake Hidan and had turned her full attention to me. She drew her sword and pointed it in my direction. "Prepare to die."

"In your fucking dreams, whore."

Yuriko charged.

I reached for my spikes, but, at the last second realized they weren't in their usual place. They had been confiscated by the Ikustaka when I'd been taken captive… which meant that I was facing the fake Hidan and Yuriko completely unarmed.

… Not one of my brighter moments.

I leapt out of the way and Yuriko's sword came crashing through. She swung her sword back as she passed by and I raised my arms at the last second, managing to get away with only a deep red wound across the backs of my forearms.

Inspecting the wounds, I licked away the blood and, after a moment, the cut healed itself and the wound disappeared leaving blood as the only witness to its existence.

"What the heck?" said the fake Hidan.

"You dare to challenge me unarmed?" cried Yuriko.

"Yeah," I said, almost forlornly. "But, bitch, I'm . I bet I can outlast you"

Yuriko's eyes narrowed and, raising her sword. "Let's see you outlast me when I cut off your head!"

She leapt forward, sword singing as it flew through the air – crashing down towards my beautiful head.

_Clang_!

Sword and scythe met midair.

Yuriko almost dropped her sword. She leapt backwards to join up with the fake Hidan. I glanced in the direction of my savior. He looked extremely pissed off.

"What the hell is this?" he asked, pointing wilding in the direction of Yuriko and the fake Hidan.

"There's another you," I explained. "One that doesn't swear."

"Impossible," declared Hidan stubbornly. "Swearing is the reason behind my whole existence."

"I thought that was Jashin."

"To be a Jashinist one has to swear."

"Where did that rule come from?"

"I made it up."

I sighed and slapped the palm of my hand against my forehead. "Don't make up rules to our religion as we go!"

"Why…" whispered Yuriko. "Where are there two Hidans?"

I scowled and turned to her. "There're aren't two Hidans. There is my Hidan and there is that fake over there who only pretend to be Hidan."

The fake Hidan twitched. "Don't call me a fake. I'm not a fake – he's the fake!" He pointed at Hidan.

"Did you just call Hidan a fake?" I asked, tilting my head to the side. "Did you really point your fake finger at Hidan and call him a fake? Do you want to die?"

"Oh?" Hidan smiled. "This is getting fun. Bitch."

I turned to look at him.

He pulled one of my spikes out and tossed it to me. I caught it and turned to face the fake Hidan. Raising the spike, I regarded him carefully and smiled. "Sorry about this, but life's a bitch and they call her Dessie."

"What?"

I jumped in the air and plunged the spike towards his chest.

Unfortunately, the fake Hidan was not as much of a pushover as I would have hoped. He was armed with a knife and, as I tried to stab him to death, he parried my blows and even offered a few in return.

A lot of people compared fighting to dancing. It's a lie. Fighting is just that. A giant slug fest with lots of blood, guts, and gore. And someone always dies in the end. Thankfully, that can't be me.

Hidan (the real Hidan) and Yuriko were fighting to the side of us. Hidan was screaming and laughing like a madman, trying the get a slice of Yuriko's skin and the blood that comes with it. Yuriko was doing a good job of blocking him, but she was being pushed back. Sooner or later, she would have to fall.

"Jashin will feast on you tonight!" cried Hidan elatedly. "He does love young maidens!"

"I don't think she's a young maiden!" I shouted back. "When I met the whore and the fake for the first time, they were getting frisky in the captain's quarters!"

"Blergh!" Hidan made a sound of disgust. "Fake me – your taste is fucking awful!"

Hidan swung his scythe and – at that moment – Yuriko gave in under the scythe weight and collapsed to the ground. Her sword flew from her side, lost in the tall grass of the pasture.

The fake Hidan froze in horror.

That was his mistake.

He lost the slug fest and my spike sank deep into his heart.

After that, everything happened in slow motion. The fake Hidan's eyes grew really wide. His legs collapsed beneath him. Yuriko screamed. He reached out and arm to her. She tried to catch him. She missed. He fell. Face first. Into the dirt.

Yuriko howled.

"Asshole," I said dully. "There can only be one Hidan in existence. The rest can go to hell."

"You bitch!" screamed Yuriko, clutching the fake Hidan's body to her non-existent chest. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you! You! You! I'll kill you!"

"That's nice," I said.

She grabbed hold of the fake Hidan's knife and sprung to her feet. She didn't get any closer to me when a blast of fire filled the air. I probably would have been burnt to a cinder if Hidan hadn't pushed me out the way. I landed roughly on the ground, my right shoulder practically being yanked out of its socket. I lay on the ground, moaning and groaning, until the fire blast seemed to have subsided. I staggered to my feet, wincing at the pain in my right shoulder.

Amongst the flaming grass, Yuriko was no where to be found.

"Where'd they go?" I asked.

"The rest of the Ikustaka showed up," said Hidan grouchily. "They took the fake me too."

"Fuck. I wanted to kill the whore."

"Me too," said Hidan. "Damn. Jashin's going to be pissed."

"We can go on a killing spree as penance," I said.

A demonic smile spread across Hidan's face. "Sounds like fucking fun."

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><p><strong>AN: I'm holding you to our bet. I've held up my end of the bargain - now you hold up yours.**

**Hidan and Dessie reunion for you romantics. And the death of C-Hidan, which you all were waiting for. Don't worry, the Ikustaka will return. Dundundun.**

**Review, or you'll be a part of Hidan and Dessie's killing spree. **


	38. Here Comes Kakuzu

_**Summary of Events: Leader, Zetsu, Deidara, Tobi, Sasori, and Kate are in Elberi waiting for the rest of the Akatsuki to arrive after defeating the Ikustaka.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Eight: Here Comes Kakuzu<strong>

**Kate**

Elberi was only a slighter smaller town than Ahonok. We arrived there early in the morning and, almost immediately, Leader headed for the nearest inn. The word "Akatsuki" was enough to get us free rooms for the next week (apparently the Akatsuki had been popular in Elberi after they fended off the Ikustaka's attack).

While Leader sorted out the living arrangements, the rest of us headed down to the bar for a "couple" of drinks. Tobi, Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu, Kisame, and I settled down at a table. After a few minutes, Tobi tried tickling Deidara, which resulted in a couple explosions.

"Do you think Deidara will kill him?" I asked Kisame nervously.

"Probably not," said Kisame. He sounded almost disappointed. "If there's one thing Tobi is good at – besides being annoying – it's dodging Deidara's explosions. He's had a lot of practice."

"Even so…"

Kisame wrapped one arm around my shoulders. "You've been hanging out with Tobi a lot recently. Didn't he used to be afraid of you?"

"Tobi still is," I explained. "It's when he reverts to Madara that I talk to him."

"Madara?"

"You know… the evil guy who tried to destroy Konoha."

"Right." Kisame blinked. "Wait. You get along well with _him_?"

"Um… I guess so…"

"Peace loving Kate is rejected by the happy-go-lucky Tobi and then gets along well with the mass murderer!"

"Um… Yeah."

Kisame laughed. "We're a bad influence on you."

I took a quick sip of sake and nodded, but before I could reply, Leader arrived at the table and slammed his hands on the wood, making all the bottle of sake rattle.

"You look excited," said Kisame. "Did you see a nude picture of Konan?"

"What? No." Leader seemed sort of discombobulated. "I was talking to the inn manager."

"Yeah?"

"It turns out that there have been deaths in the Ikustaka."

"Besides Kenta?" asked Zetsu.

Leader nodded. "Durman and Aram are dead as well… at the hands of the Akatsuki."

"Must be Konan's group then," said Kisame, nodding.

"Have they found Dessie yet?" I asked eagerly.

Leader nodded. "Konan contacted me a couple minutes ago. They found Dessie. Killed C-Hidan. Scattered the Ikustaka. They're now on their way to Elberi to meet up with us."

"The Ikustaka are falling apart?" asked Zetsu.

Leader nodded and took the seat opposite me. "Get me some sake."

"Wow, Leader," said Deidara, returning from his pursuit of Tobi. "You usually don't drink with us, uhn."

"It's because Konan's coming back," said Kisame cheerfully. "He's so happy he has to get drunk."

"Aw," I cried. "That's so cute! Leader, I don't know why you and Konan aren't together already."

Leader scowled. "Don't say stupid things."

"I don't know why Leader's so embarrassed," said Kisame. "If I had a girl like Konan next to me all the time I wouldn't hesitate." Kisame winked. "If you know what I mean."

"Kisame!" I wailed.

He grinned and took a swing of sake. "But since I have a cutie like Kate, I guess Konan will just have to settle for Leader. Though," he added as an after thought. "It'd be nice if you chest grew in a little."

"True, True," said Tobi, materializing by Deidara's shoulder. "Kate's a flat as a washboard."

My face was as red as a tomato. "That's not funny!"

"You should get a chest as big as Dessie's, uhn," said Deidara. "Then Kisame wouldn't look at other girls."

"Too be of chests are off putting. A medium sized one like Hannah's is best."

Everyone paused and turned to see who had spoken. Sasori sat at the far end of the table, slowly sipping some sake. He stared back at everyone, his gaze level as though he had not said anything out of the ordinary.

"Hey, hey," said Deidara. "Sasori. Don't go hitting on my woman."

"_You're_ woman?" snarled Zetsu. "She's our wife."

Sasori stared. "Why are you so upset? I just said her chest was better than Dessie's."

"Don't worry about it," said Kisame, patting Sasori on the shoulder. "Zetsu is in a one-sided marriage with Hannah and Deidara is Hannah's bitch."

"I'm not her bitch, uhn."

"Sure you're not…"

"He's her bitch," said Leader bluntly.

"Unanimous vote," said Kisame. "It's settled.

"Leader and you are not unanimous!" snapped Deidara.

"Leader counts as fifty votes because he's Leader," said Kisame. "Do you dare argue with the unbending law of Leader-sama?"

Deidara glowered at Kisame for a second and then grabbed a bottle of sake off the table, downing the contents in one go. "Bring on the next round of drinks. Loser pays."

"You're on," said Kisame, grinning excitedly so that all his pointy teeth were on display.

I don't remember how many bottles of sake the Akatsuki finished off between them. Let's just say it was a lot and whoever lost the bet was going to have to part with a very large fortune. Good thing Kakuzu wasn't there.

"I've never felt this way before, uhn…" stammered a tear stricken Deidara.

"Us neither."

And with that, Deidara threw himself into Zetsu's arms and the two of them began sobbing hysterically.

"I need a picture to commemorate this," said Kisame.

"You're too wasted to take a picture," said Sasori with a little hiccup at the end.

"I should bring them to chapel," said Kisame thoughtfully. "They'd wake up with a massive hangover and rings on their fingers…"

"Zetsu's already married," pointed out Leader.

"Yeah. But it'd be really funny to marry Deidara and Zetsu…"

"You won't have a head in the morning," I said kindly. "A commemorative picture would be better."

"If only we had a camera."

"What are you plotting?" asked Deidara, pointing a shaking finger in our direction.

"You're as drunk as a skunk," said Kisame. "We were just saying how cute a couple you and Zetsu are."

Deidara smiled glowingly at Zetsu and snuggled closer against Zetsu's shoulder. "Me and a giant Venus flytrap. Who would have thought?"

The rest of us suppressed giggles.

"They're almost here," said Leader abruptly. He gazed at the ring on his finger and twisted it carefully. "Konan's excited."

"Why?"

"Apparently Hidan and Dessie are back together…"

I let out a squeal of delight and clapped my hands together. "Kisame? Did you hear that, Kisame?"

He grinned. "That's the power of the Love Guru at work there."

"Never mind," said Leader. "According to Kakuzu, Dessie's been screaming for the past hour that there is absolutely no relationship between her and Hidan… Though Kakuzu suspects they'll need a room to themselves when they reach Elberi…"

"So they're just sex friends?" asked Sasori.

"Sex friends isn't good enough," said Kisame, slamming his fist on the table top. "As good as sex friends are, Hidan and Dessie's connection is supposed to be deeper than that."

"It'll come…" I said softly. "Dessie likes being difficult…"

"So true," said Leader. "She always gets into fights and leaves blood over the hideout. And even when I tell her to clean up the blood splatters she tells me to just hire a maid."

"Why don't you just hire a maid?" asked Kisame. "It'd save us all a lot of trouble."

"We are independent and full grown criminals!" snapped Leader. "We should be capable of keeping the hideout clean!" He shook his head as if he had just witnessed some great tragedy. "There are no good criminals today. They're all lazy and stinky and smelly – and there are too many girly-guys to live with."

"Girly-guys?"

Leader pointed at Deidara. "How did _that_ become an S-ranked criminal?"

"What are you saying about me now, meanie?" said Deidara between hiccups.

"That you would look prettier in a sky-blue color," said Kisame sweetly.

Deidara giggled delightedly.

"I feel bad for Zetsu," said Kisame thoughtfully. "If things go on he's going to end up with a flat-chested wife." He paused before adding, "And one with a little something-something between her legs."

"Ew…"

"Please," said Leader wearily. "Just call it what it is. When you said it like that…"

"It sounds really kinky?" said Kisame. "But that's exactly why we call it something-something."

"Are we really debating what we should call it?" Zetsu asked.

"That reminds me," said Kisame. "Zetsu, do you have one? And if you do, how do you use it? I mean, you're a Venus flytrap and all…"

A slight pink blushed crossed the white half of Zetsu's face, while the black half grinned and said, "You spend that much time thinking about my dick?"

"Well, yeah," said Kisame with a shrug. "Kate and I have pillow talk about it all the time – don't we, darling?" He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and grinned.

I probably resembled a bowl of ketchup. "No! We don't! What p-p-pillow talk!"

"So, Zetsu," said Kisame, ignoring my question. "Is yours half black and half white?"

Zetsu smiled.

"You know," said Kisame. "I can always just ask Hannah."

"I doubt she's actually seen it," said Leader.

Tobi shuddered. "Hannah-Nunu would never do that kind of dirty thing!"

"Dessie-Nunu does that kind of dirty thing," pointed out Kisame.

"Hannah would know just for blackmailing purposes," said Sasori. He raised a hand to call for another round of sake at the table.

"It's a shame Kakuzu isn't here," said Kisame. "He would have decapitated us all by now."

"Why would I have decapitated you?"

We froze. Slowly, our heads turned in the direction of the deep, gravelly voice. Standing at the end of the table was – surprise, surprise – Kakuzu.

"Hey…" said Deidara, waving a hand sloppily in Kakuzu's direction. "What's up, _stud_?"

Kakuzu blinked. "Did he just call me 'stud'?"

"I think they're all drunk," said Hannah, materializing at Kakuzu's side. "That's probably why they're afraid of you. Think how much money they must be spending on drinks."

Eleven eyes (Leader, Kisame, Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, and Tobi's one visible eye) glared at Hannah. She smiled.

Kakuzu raised his hands and, almost immediately, black tentacles came spiraling out. I screamed. The Akatsuki – the ones sober enough – leapt out of the booth and started sprinting towards the exit. Unfortunately, there was no escaping Kakuzu's tentacles of death and destruction.

[Scene omitted due to extreme violence and suspected tentacle rape… Kakuzu objects to the mention of "tentacle rape". Correction: Scene omitted due to extreme violence and Tobi]

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><p><strong>AN: Short chapter. Oh well, it was more of a filler for the rest of the Akatsuki's arrival. Mwahahahaha Kakuzu and Hannah are an evil duo. **

**I did miss one day of update possibility, which probably means I'll update twice today if I can find time. As one wonderful person has called me, I am a Review Whore. I accept that statement proudly. Give me more reviews and I will update! I will sell my soul for reviews! Mwahahahahaha!**

**There's too much evil laughter in this AN. I'd better end it now.**

**Review or be exposed to Kakuzu's fearsome tentacles!**


	39. Decisions, Decisions

_**Summary of Events: The whole Akatsuki had arrived at a bar in Elberi after their adventures with the Ikustaka. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-Nine: Decisions, Decisions<strong>

**Hannah**

"…And then I killed him."

Dessie finished retelling her story with a giant flourish. She sat at the bat table, grinning proudly. Some people, like Kisame and Kate, listened excitedly, eager to hear the parts about Dessie and Hidan's reunion. They were sorely disappointed since Dessie only recounted the parts of the story that had a lot of violence and involved her kill things.

"So," said Kisame slowly. "You killed C-Hidan because he wasn't the Hidan you loved desperately even though he had the same face."

"What?" said Dessie, picking up a bottle of sake. "I killed him because he was annoying."

"He did look a lot like me," said Hidan thoughtfully. "And he had the same name… Maybe we were long lost brothers."

Konan slapped her forehead with her hand. "Hidan! How many times do we have to explain to you that C-Hidan was an alternate version of you?"

"There's only one me," said Hidan stubbornly.

"Exactly," said Dessie. "Which is why C-Hidan had to die."

"Because you love Hidan," said Kisame. "That's why you had to kill C-Hidan."

"No," said Dessie. "He just annoyed me."

I patted Kisame on the shoulder comfortingly. "We tried explaining this to them the entire journey home, but they refused to believe it."

"And we're not sharing a room tonight," said Dessie loudly. She glared in Kakuzu's direction.

"We're not?" said Hidan. He sounded positively disappointed.

"Anyone have any bets on how long their relationship will actually last?" asked Kakuzu.

"Three weeks," I said.

"Really? I was going to bet three days."

"I'll be generous and give them a week," said Leader thoughtfully.

"Don't be stupid," snapped Konan. "Their love is eternal. And since their both immortal, it literally is eternal."

"We're not dating though," said Dessie irritably.

"So you say," said Konan. "But we all know differently."

Before Hidan or Dessie could reply, Leader slammed his empty bottle of sake on the table, jerking everyone's attention to him. He regarded us all carefully before saying, "We're having a meeting. All of you sit down. Sober up. And listen."

"But I don't want to be sober…" said Dessie sadly. "I just want to get drunk and party."

"And spend the night with Hidan," added Kisame.

Dessie attempted to strange Kisame, but Leader silenced them with a cry of, "Stop it or I will hand you both – bound and gagged – over to Yuriko so she can torture and decapitate you as revenge for her dead lover!"

Dessie and Kisame sat down quietly. The whole Akatsuki, plus their whores, sat around a booth in the bar, all with very serious expressions on our faces (with the exception of Tobi who, even though his face was hidden by a mask, looked as if he was smiling). Leader sat at the head of the table with Konan on his right. Next to her was Sasori, then a still cuddling Deidara and Zetsu (I've already taken photos for future blackmail purposes). Then there was Kakuzu and me with Tobi trying to sit on my lap. On Leader's left was Itachi, Kisame, and Kate (the latter two holding hands under the table). Then Dessie and Hidan who were both trying to ignore each other.

"So what's the meeting about?" asked Kisame.

"What are we going to do now?" Leader was serious. His face was dead set with determination. Not because he was stressed about what we were going to do next, but because he knew how much effort keeping this meeting serious was going to take. Already the countdown had begun. Three… Two… One…

"We should get drunk ad fuck!"

"Or just fuck. Skip the drinking."

"Kisame! That's dumb. Drinking it the warm up to getting drunk."

"It's true. Alcohol always makes the partner look better."

"Someone bring on another round of sake!"

"I TOLD YOU ALL TO SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN OR I WILL DEPRIVE YOU OF ALCOHOL FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS AND MAKE YOU DO CHARITY PROJECTS – WHERE YOU DON'T EARN A SINGLE CENT!"

Dead silence.

"Good. Now, we have a situation. Some of the Ikustaka is still alive and they will not be happy. Undoubtedly Yuriko will want to kill Dessie and Hidan and Hotaru will want to kill Kisame. They're probably plotting their revenge right now."

"So are we going to hunt them down and kill the bitches?" asked Dessie eagerly.

"Another killing spree?" asked Hidan.

"Where we can cut off head and sacrifice people to the great and mighty Jashin-sama?"

"And spread the good message of Jashinism to the unenlightened?"

"Along with lots of blood."

"And death."

"And destruction."

Dessie clapped her hands excitedly. "We will create fear in their eyes like they have never know it before."

"They will cower before Jashin-sama and the scythe he wields."

"An eternity of suffering!"

The two of them exchanged frenzied glances and leaned forward eagerly, waiting for Leader's reply.

"Maybe… but we also have to figure out a way to get home."

"I love how excited Hidan and Dessie are about this," said Kakuzu dully.

"It's true love, I tell you." Konan had a sort of dreamy look on her face.

"You and Leader are true love," said Dessie. "Don't put me in the same group as this Zombie Whore."

"You haven't called him Zombie Whore in awhile," said Kisame thoughtfully. "Could this be a sign of changing feelings? You've grown more attached to him, so to hide your love you've reverted back to calling him Zombie Whore?"

"What is this!" cried Dessie. "A love intervention! Why don't we all go analyze Hannah's love life! She has Zetsu and Deidara and – I'm beginning to suspect – Kakuzu… Hell, she might even have Sasori!"

I suddenly felt the gaze of every Akatsuki member shift to me. Kisame leaned forward eagerly, a demonic grin spreading across his face.

"She's right, you know," said Kisame. "You are the true whore of the Akatsuki."

"I think she should date Deidara," said Konan. "They'd be so cute together."

"What are you talking about?" asked Deidara, slurring his words a little. "Zetsu is my one and only love."

"Damn," I said. "Where's the tape recording when I need it?"

"You know you should always have it on when we're around alcohol," said Kakuzu. "You just lost valuable blackmail."

"I know," I said sadly. "I still got a picture though.'

Kakuzu sighed. "That'll have to do."

"Hannah's getter more and more evil as time goes by," said Kate thoughtfully.

"One day she'll have giant minion army that will march on the peoples of Seanova," said Dessie. "And she shall be the ruling overlord."

"Where did you get a crazy vision like that?" I asked.

"I had a dream about it once," Dessie said. "You conquered the Fence and made Tobi your king – don't ask why. I was your most beloved general and Itachi was you advisor. But then Leader got pissed that you were a bigger leader than he was and he led a rebellion against you."

"Did I win?" I asked.

Dessie shrugged. "I woke up before I got to that part."

"You're dreams suck," said Hidan.

"That's because I didn't tell you about the ones where you and I somehow end up at the alter with a Jashinist priest."

"It's L-O-V-E!" called out Kisame.

"And then I run away screaming," said Dessie cheerfully. "Don't you think dreams always reflect inner desires?"

Kisame slammed his forehead against the table top. "And I try so hard…"

Kate patted him on shoulder. "It takes time…" She glanced at Dessie and Hidan who were busy arguing about whether Jashin would really approve of marriage in a church. "A long time…"

"Are we ever going to get back on topic or not?" asked Leader irritably.

"Oh yeah…" said Deidara slowly. "What were we talking about again, uhn?"

Leader sighed. "What. Are. We. Going. To. Do. About. The. Ikustaka. And. Four?"

"Kill them all," said Sasori.

"Killing spree!" shouted Hidan and Dessie together. "Make them beg for mercy from the great and mighty Jashin-sama!"

"We should just leave them alone," said Kate. "It's not like they're bothering us."

"We should probably kill them before they kill us," said Itachi.

"Where would even find a god?" asked Kakuzu. "If it costs money we're not doing it."

"Maybe a temple or something…" I said, drumming my fingers against the table top. "Or we could kidnap Squisher… Can we blackmail a god?"

"We don't think you can blackmail a god," said Zetsu, petting Deidara's blond hair affectionately.

"Why does Hannah insist on resolving everything with blackmail, uhn?"

"Blackmail makes the world go round."

"Money makes the world go round," corrected Kakuzu.

I shook my head. "You blackmail people to get money."

"So we blackmail people to get money and then steal away into the night like nothing happened. Have an easy and rich life conning people, die, go to hell, and then blackmail the devil?"

"Yep."

Tobi leaned across the table to poke Dessie in the shoulder. "Hannah-Nunu is kind of scary."

"I told you," said Dessie. "One day Hannah will be an evil overlord."

"I don't think Tobi will be her king though," said Hidan. "That'd be fucking scary."

"Did you know that the word fucking does show up on the proposed word list spell check," said Kate randomly.

"What?" cried Dessie. "Those cheap whores! When I want a word spelled properly, I expect my damn word to be on spell check! Does damn, whore, shit, and piss?

"What's spell check?" asked Itachi.

"A mythical device to help spelling impaired people," I said.

"Or people who can't type," added Kate.

"How did we get from hunting the Ikustaka to a mythical device involving spelling?" asked Leader wearily.

"I just want to get drunk," said Dessie. "Can I get drunk yet?"

"Not until we figure out an answer!"

Konan patted Leader on the shoulder and said, kindly, "Why don't we split up? Some can go south. Some can search for Four… And we don't have to decide straight away. We should figure out specifics before we depart. Find out where the Ikustaka are headed… Find where Four or Squisher might be…"

Leader nodded mutely. "Maybe…"

"That sounds smart!" cried Dessie. "In celebration of Konan's ingenious idea we should bring on the sake!"

"Yes," I said. "Because Deidara and Zetsu aren't wasted enough."

"Stupid," said Dessie. "You can never get too wasted."

"What about when you die?"

Hidan and Dessie laughed. "Who dies?"

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><p><strong>AN: Another short chapter. Sorry, they're kind of fillers. I'm between story arcs. And, trust me, the next arc will be a good one. But look! Fallen updated twice in one day! Aren't you proud of me! This does not mean you can break our bet. Make sure to review all the chapters! (I am a Review Whore and proud... maybe I should change my username to Review Whore?). **

**Today was fun. I went to Litfest today (day long writing workshopy thing that's connected to the writing school I go to after school). I read my poem about bitchy Snow White. I love bitchy princesses. They're fun to write. **

**Anyways, after that random off tangent note, REVIEW OR YOU WILL BE FORCED TO DRINK UNTIL YOU DIE! AND, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU ARE NOT IMMORTAL LIKE DESSIE AND HIDAN SO, YOU WILL ACTUALLY DIE. ... review.**


	40. A Little Love Story

_**Summary of Events: The whole Akatsuki is resting in Elberi for awhile as Leader reaches a decision.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty: A Little Love Story<strong>

**Dessie**

I stood over the mangled, bloodied body. I tipped my head to the side to examine it from a different angle. The shade of the forest trees with the golden sunlight falling through fell across the corpse like the shadow of prison bars. Blood spread in a puddle around the man's body, seeping into the starving ground, staining the blades of grass a deep, violent red.

"It looks pretty," I announced.

"Damn right." Hidan was leaning against the trunk of a tree, wiping the blood off his three-pronged scythe.

I glanced at my own bloody weapon and, after a moment, I knelt down in the grass and tried to wipe as much blood off the weapon and my hands as possible.

"You're getting better at rituals," said Hidan abruptly. "Though you're still to quick with the kill. You have to savor the opponent's pain."

I rolled my eyes at the blue sky before looking over my shoulder to grin at Hidan. "Whatever you say, _sensei_."

"You're still a bitch though."

I got to my feet and raised my spike. "Say that again to my face, Zombie Whore."

"You still are and always will be a BITCH!" shouted Hidan, lifting up his scythe.

I lunged, spike poised to sink into his chest. Hidan parried easily, his scythe pushing my spike away easily. I stumbled backwards, but managed to regain my balance on the edge of the blood puddle from our earlier sacrifice.

"You have to try better than that, _bitch_," said Hidan.

"!"

We both paused, mid fight, and turned to see where the wretched screaming came from. Standing between two trees, only a few feet away from us, was a petrified man. He looked like a local, dressed in simple pants and a grubby white shirt. His blond hair was messy and unkempt, matted with sweat from a hard day's work. He looked ready shit himself.

"Uh… hi…" I said, awkwardly raising a hand in greeting.

The guy took one look at the dead body behind us and ran away as fast as his scrawny, underfed legs could carry him.

"Well that was weird," I said.

Hidan shrugged. "Should we stop him?"

"Nah. Too much effort. We should just go back to kill each other."

"As if we could," said Hidan with a laugh.

"Yeah, but it's nice to act like we can."

I raised my spike and Hidan raised his scythe. The rest was history.

* * *

><p>The walk back to the village after of sacrifice and fight was actually pretty short. I remember it being much longer on the way there. However, as we walked back covered in blood from the wounds we'd caused each other, we received some add stares.<p>

"Are we really that weird looking?" I asked.

"We probably look like crazy-as-shit murderers," said Hidan.

"Well," I said. "We are crazy-as-shit murderers."

The two of us reached the center square of the town, which was near to the inn we were staying at. A large crowd had gathered around a platform in the middle of the square. As we approached, bloody and tired, we recognized the man standing a top of the platform, yelling excitedly. He had the same grimy face and labor-worn body, but, as his eyes fell upon us, a sot of light filled his eyes and he pointed at us excitedly.

"It's them! It's them! They captured and killed the Blackwater Alley Murderer!"

A cheer rose up from the crowd. They were all staring at us avidly and clapping and screaming and shouting. They ran over to us and offered hugs and kisses of congratulations. No one seemed to mind that we were covered in blood.

"Who's the Blackwater Alley Murderer?" I asked blankly.

"I have no fucking clue!" shouted Hidan, trying to push some overly fanatic woman off of him.

"A serial murder!" someone shouted. "He preys on helpless women!"

"My daughter!"

"My wife!"

"Yuki-chan!"

"He killed them all!"

"But you got revenge! Revenge for the poor victims!"

"Heroes! Heroes! My heroes!"

Through the wild crowd, I reached out a hand and somehow managed to grab Hidan by the collar an drag him away. The crowd chased after us, everyone inviting us to eat dinner at their homes and to accept payment.

"I don't need useless things like money!" I shouted over my shoulder as I fled through the streets with Hidan.

Eventually we managed to lose the crowd and, in a back alley, we stood gasping and panting for breath.

"This is wrong!" I screamed, my voice echoing through the alleyway.

"So fucking wrong," said Hidan, flopping down onto the ground. "People are supposed to fear and hate us!" He shuddered. "What is with this _love_ thing?"

"I don't know!" I wailed. "We're criminals! We're insane criminals that everyone fears! Why weren't they turned off by the blood? Why weren't they petrified at the sight of us? This is so strange!"

"I'll have nightmares about this day for the rest of my damn life," said Hidan.

"Fear!" I cried, waving my arms about above my head like the maniac I am. "Fear me! I am the Jashin-worshipping, ex-Warg-lover, Demon of Blood, Desdemona Lee – _Fear me_! Don't love me and hug me and kiss me – fear me! Run from me in terror! Scream and hate me! But never, ever love me!"

"Jashin does not condone love by random strangers. Fear is the only way."

A shiver went down my spine. "Seanova is a scary place."

Hidan nodded. "The people here just aren't normal."

I crept towards the end of the alleyway and peeked out into the street. "I don't see any of our stalkers…"

I trailed off, completely forgetting what I was talking about as my eyes fell upon the image of divine perfection. Those eyes! Such a deep and pensive color of brown! That hair! The color of salted pepper, light and soft, like bird feathers! That face! So carefully sculpted that it might belong on a statue of the Greek Adonis than a man! That body! So perfectly made that it put Hercules himself to shame!

"Dessie…" said Hidan slowly. "You're drooling…"

I grabbed Hidan by the shoulder and pointed excitedly in the direction of the god-man. "Look! Look! Isn't he _divine_?"

Hidan squinted in the direction I was pointing. He scowled. "He's ugly."

My jaw dropped to somewhere around floor level. "Are you kidding me! He's perfect! So handsome! So gorgeous! He's Greek Statue Hottie! And he's to _die_ for!"

Before Hidan could protest, I dragged him out from the alleyway to join me in my hot pursuit of Greek Statue Hottie, who had just entered a bakery on the other side of the street. Hidan and I crouched outside, waiting for Greek Statue Hottie to emerge.

"Why are we following this shithead?" asked Hidan.

"Don't call Greek Statue Hottie a shithead!" I yelled, punching Hidan in the side of the face.

Hidan fell backwards and landed on his ass. He sat there for a moment, rubbing the side of his cheek and glaring at me resentfully. I ignored Hidan and continued staring at Greek Statue Hottie excitedly.

"You're an annoying, fat bitch," said Hidan, getting to his feet.

I twitched.

"And you're ugly."

My jaw clenched.

"And flat-chested."

I leapt into the air and dive-tackled Hidan. He slammed into the ground, his forehead slamming against the concrete.

"How dare you call me flat-chested!" I screamed, pummel his face with punches. "I will have you know that this chest was given to my by the gods! How dare you insult this chest! Divine punishment will come to you and smite you!"

"Flat-chested whore!" shouted Hidan. "Flat-chested demon!" Flat-chested bitch!"

"Zombie Whore!" I screamed back. "I will kill you! I will kill you!"

"As if you could!"

After the continued punches and yelling had worn us out, I rolled off of Hidan on to my back. We lay on the sidewalk, staring up at the cloudy blue sky wearily.

"That cloud looks like a pygmy hippopotamus gone on rampage," I said.

"Where the hell do you see a cloud like that?" Hidan asked.

"Right there." I pointed up into the sky.

"That looks like a white blood splatter."

I snorted. "Okay. Well that one looks like a demon king reigning over his pathetic minions with a whip."

"It looks like a white blood splatter."

"And that one looks like a serial murderer cutting off the wrists off all his victims before me strangles them to death."

"Another white blood splatter."

I giggled and rolled over until my forehead brushed against his shoulder. I stayed there, too overcome with laughter to care that the position I was in could be referred to as "snuggling".

"It's hot," I said as the laughter died down.

"Ice cream?" asked Hidan.

I grinned and nodded, the side of my face rubbing against his bare shoulder. "Get me vanilla."

"Vanilla?"

"Because I'm so pure and wholesome."

Hidan scoffed. "And I'm a dancing fucker."

"Well, if you got up and did a jig we'd be okay then – since you're already a fucker."

"Fuck you."

"In your dreams."

We lay there for another moment in the middle of the side walk. People passed by, giving us nervous glances before they went on their way. Finally, Hidan pushed himself to his feet and said, "Stay here, vanilla."

"Whatever you say, chocolate!" I called back.

"I like strawberry, dumbass," Hidan shouted back as he made his way down the street.

"'Cause it's the color of blood?" I asked.

"Damn right!"

Still giggling uncontrollably, I gaze up at the sky, watching the fat, white clouds roll by. "I wonder what Greek Statue Hottie is up to…"

"Who's Greek Statue Hottie?"

My eyes flickered to the right and I saw, standing over me with a light smile on his heavenly face… Greek Statue Hottie!

I leapt to my feet and launched a hug-tackle in his direction. Greek Statue Hottie dodged at the last second. However, before I went crashing into the ground, he extended an arm to catch me.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're a little unsteady on your feet."

There were stars in my eyes.

"Not only is your face divine, but your personality is divine too!"

"Er… yeah…" He let go of me and I stood facing him, practically brimming with excitement.

"You're hot!" I cried excitedly. "Can I add you to my collection?"

Greek Statue Hottie hesitated. "I suppose so… but, do you mind coming with me first? I need some help…"

"No problem!"

He rested on hand on the small of my back and steered me towards a side alley. I went with him willingly, making his forcefulness rather unnecessary. However, before we could step into the side alley, a rage-filled voice came out of nowhere.

"Where do you think you're going, dick face!"

We turned around to see Hidan, holding two ice cream cones – one vanilla and one strawberry. He looked murderous.

"Hi, Hidan," I said, waving. "Guess who came over to hit on me! Greek Statue Hottie! Oh! You got me ice cream!" I stepped past Greek Statue Hottie to go get my ice cream, but Greek Statue Hottie grabbed me by the wrist to stop me.

"Where do you think you're going?" he snarled.

"It's hot," I whined. "I want my damn ice cream."

"You're coming with me first," said Greek Statue Hottie, steering me towards the alley.

"Fuck this," said Hidan. He stepped forward and kicked Greek Statue Hottie in the gut. Greek Statue Hottie fell to the ground, cursing. Hidan stood there for a second, staring down at his victim. Then, he handed me to two ice cream cones and said, "Hold these."

"Don't kill him!" I cried. "Don't ruin his perfection!"

Hidan ignored me and pulled his scythe off his back, pointing it at Greek Statue Hottie's throat. "I will make you suffer a pain that will have even Jashin-sama cringing in his throne."

"Jashin-sama?" asked Greek Statue Hottie.

WHAM!

I kicked him in the jaw. "Oh god!" I cried, looking about frantically. "I hurt his beautiful face! Hidan! What should I do? I hurt his beautiful face!"

"Why did you kick me then if you didn't want to hurt my beautiful face?" snarled Greek Statue Hottie.

"Because you didn't know who Jashin-sama was!" I screamed. "Jashin is an almighty god! Worship and fear him! Cower before his mightiness!"

"Is she for real?" Greek Statue Hottie asked Hidan.

Hidan grinned, his face bearing striking resemblance to the devil king. "Would you like to find out?"

By the time we had finished with Greek Statue Hottie (sniffle, his hotness has disappeared now – he will just be Former Greek Statue Hottie Who Is Now A Mangled Corpse) he was a wreck. Hidan took his strawberry ice cream from me and sat down on the sidewalk in front of the dead body to eat. I plopped down next to him and took a huge bite of my vanilla.

"Yummy," I said. "I don't think ice cream has nearly tasted so good as after a good killing." I took another bite of the ice cream. "Want some?" I asked, holding it out to Hidan. "Though it might be too pure and wholesome for a devil king like you."

Hidan licked the ice cream. He choked. "Gack! Too pure! Too wholesome! It's like poison!"

"Go die, Zombie Whore!"

Neither of us noticed the crowd that had gathered around us, staring in mute horror as the death and destruction behind us. They all seemed too stunned to do anything. Sooner or later, undoubtedly, someone would call for the cops and Hidan and I would have to flee. But, until then, we could enjoy our delicious ice cream on a hot, sunny day.

"They killed him…" said someone slowly.

"They killed the Blackwater Alley Murderer's Accomplice."

I blinked. "Hey – wait!"

"They're so thorough!"

"They'll make sure no one preys on our women again!"

"Heroes! True Heroes!"

Hidan and I exchanged frantic glances. We leapt to our feet and took off, sprinting down the road as the mod of our fans chased after us, singing out praises and begging for autographs.

"Why can't we do anything wrong!" I wailed.

"I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm fucking bad!" howled Hidan.

"Jashin damnit!" I screamed. "I want to go home!"

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><p><strong>AN: Some of you have been slacking in your reviewing duties. I have been achieving my updating goals, but the review have slowed down a little. Tuttut. (this is a message from the Review Whore, AKA Fallen Angels Still Have Wings) hahaha Still think I should change my name. I LOVE DESSIE AND HIDAN AS A COUPLE! THEIR DATES WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN! Sacrifice to Jashin. Get into fight. Stalk Hottie. Get into another fight. Eat. Get drunk. Kill someone. Then have a hot time in bed. XD**

**Review! Or you will fall victim to the Blackwater Alley Murderer and his accomplice!**


	41. Leader's Announcement

_**Summary of Events: The whole Akatsuki is resting in Elberi for awhile as Leader reaches a decision.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-One: Leader's Announcement <strong>

**Kate**

The meeting room the inn provided for us was too small to contain the Akatsuki. We all crowded in there, jammed into the little room. We should have gone to the bar and sat in a booth again, but Leader was convinced we would all get wasted if that happened (I wonder why he thinks that way). Leader had cleared a space at the far end of the room where he sat down in a desk with Konan at his side and announced that if anyone came within three feet of the desk, Konan would murder them all with paper – which only made the already cramped room even more cramped.

"Deidara, if you touch me again I will flay you alive and leave you out for the birds to eat," said Kakuzu irritably.

"I don't help it, uhn," snapped Deidara. "_Tobi, get off me_."

"Tobi has never felt so close to Deidara-senpai!"

"This is so wrong on so many levels," said Dessie as she tried to push Kisame off of her.

"Look," said Kisame, running his fingers through his dark blue hair. "As sexy as your are, Dessie – you are not the girl I want to push down."

"Damn straight!" wailed Dessie. "Sorry, Fish Fry, but I'd rather _Sasori_ push me down than you… not that Sasori could push me down."

Sasori's muffled reply came from somewhere around floor level, where Sasori was suffocating under the weight of Hidan and Hannah who were currently arguing about who should stand on Sasori's shoulders.

"What'd he say?" I asked.

No one heard me as Zetsu's Venus flytrap slammed into my nose. I stumbled backwards, pressing against the wall in my attempt to escape this zoo.

"Hn."

I glanced to my right to see Itachi squished against the wall next to me. Even though he was trapped between the kinky pose between Dessie and Kisame (my boyfriend and my best friend… wow…) and Zetsu who was currently trying to gnaw Deidara's leg off, Itachi looked as cool as ever. If I didn't know better I would have though he was standing some expensive club than in a tin meeting room with a bunch of rowdy criminals.

"How do you do it?" I asked breathlessly.

"Do what?" asked Itachi.

"It's because he's the Original Hottie!" shouted Dessie and she dug the palm of her hand into Kisame's cheek. "Get away from me! You smell like salt!"

"Kate!" cried Kisame. "I don't mean anything by it!"

"This is stupid," muttered Itachi.

Leader and Konan, completely unaffected by the mayhem before them, continued on with the meeting.

"So," said Leader. "We have stayed in Elberi for a week and now it's time to put together the information we've gathered.'

No one was listening. Deidara was now trying to blow Zetsu to smithereens since Zetsu had gotten Deidara's right leg clamped between his teeth and refused to let go no matter how much Deidara threatened. Kakuzu was trying to pull Hidan off Hannah (Hidan was attempting to rip Hannah's hair out). Sasori had slithered out from underneath Hannah and Hidan, only to run into a hyperactive Tobi, who had hug tackles poor Sasori – only to fall on top of the already muddled up Kisame and Dessie. The tangled mess went on for a couple minutes and, when they had emerged. Kisame and Tobi were in an unbreakable mess while Dessie found herself underneath Sasori.

"See," said Sasori. "I said I could push you down."

Dessie punched him in the nose.

Leader sighed and rubbed his temples wearily. "Is anyone even listening?"

No response.

"After some intense investigating," continued Leader irritably. "I discovered that the remaining Ikustaka members – Yuriko, Hotaru, Aram, and the Crow – have headed to the south of Seanova to seek refuge with a faction called… the Okensai."

He didn't even pause in his speech and just carried on with the information dumping.

"The Okensai is a sort of professional gang, run by a man known as the Boss and nothing more. They had business relations with the Ikustaka in the past, where the Iksutaka helped them with their ongoing war with the west's rival gang, the Kikensai."

Zetsu now had Deidara's entire foot in his mouth and Deidara was screaming in pain. Hannah, now free of Hidan, turned to face Zetsu and Deidara with a manically angry light to her eyes. Hidan and Kakuzu were now trying to strangle each other to death, which Kakuzu's tentacles fastening themselves around Hidan's limbs while Hidan ripped them to shreds. It became a competition of speed, to see which was faster – Hidan's knife skill or Kakuzu's tentacles. Kisame was now trying to free himself of Tobi, who had latched on Kisame like glue. Dessie and Sasori were in a battle of wills, trying to figure out who would break the awkwardly kinky pose first.

"Zetsu also uncovered some interesting information." Leader plowed on through his speech, ignoring the chaos around him. "Up in the north of Seanova, there is a monastery completely devoted to the god of Seanova, Four. Long ago, the Temple of Four used to have control over Seanova, but as the economy grew and people became more powerful, the monks' hold weakened. In the end, different factions – the Daughters of Darkness, the Ikustaka, the Okensai, and the Kikensai – sprouted all over Seanova. Seanova has become a never ending civil war."

Konan shifted uncomfortably behind Leader, eyeing the wild Akatsuki nervously, trying to figure out what on earth to do about the rabble.

Hannah was now beating both Zetsu and Deidara over the head with someone's shoe (it might have been Sasori's). Zetsu and Deidara were cowering before her, begging for forgiveness. Kakuzu's tentacles now had Hidan by the throat and were trying to choke him to death, but, even though his face was a deep shade of blue, Hidan still wouldn't die, which was only pissing Kakuzu off even more. Kisame's attempt to escape Tobi had knocked him into Itachi, who was now glowering at poor Kisame, who looked like he might melt on the spot under the poison glare. Dessie and Sasori were still in their battle of wills.

"Finally," said Leader. "Kakuzu and Hannah took on a side job during their rescue mission where they sold the Ring of Four on the black market – apparently money was more important to them than getting back home. The Ring of Four has moved west and was bought by a leader of the Kikensai."

"Um… Leader…" said Konan tentatively.

"What?" he snapped.

She hesitated and then stammered, "Are we going to split up?"

Hidan had managed to wriggle free of Kakuzu's hold and, kicking off of Kakuzu's chest, he launched backward into Hannah. Hannah fell flat on her face with Hidan sitting on top of her. Kakuzu chased after Hidan, still trying to murder him while Hidan screamed "Jashin will smite you!" at the top of his lungs. With Hannah gone, Deidara and Zetsu had returned to trying to kill each other. Deidara tried to shove mounds of clay into Zetsu's mouth. But then Zetsu bit into Deidara's wrist and the two were stuck in a deadlock. Tobi was now trying to hug Itachi to death (Itachi somehow managed to still look cool through all of this) while Kisame begged Konan for help – without crossing the three foot limit. Sasori and Dessie were still in their battle of wills.

"I've already decided," said Leader. "We will split up into three groups. One will head south to find the Ikustaka. One will head west to find the Ring of Four and earn us some money on the way. And one will head north to deal with the Monks of Four and see if they know a way home."

Konan nodded. "Right."

Tied of being ignored, Kisame took his frustration out by kicking Deidara in the ass. Immediately, Deidara and Zetsu released one another and rounded on Kisame in a fit of rage – _how dare he interfere with their fight_! Hannah was beating Hidan over the head with the Shoe-That-Might-Belong-To-Sasori while Hidan howled in pain. Kakuzu had been distracted by the sudden appearance of Itachi, who was still trying to pry Tobi off. Dessie and Sasori were still in their battle of wills.

"Kate, Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, and I will head north," said Leader.

Kisame was using his sword to protect him as Zetsu tried to gnaw Kisame's nose off and Deidara tried to blow him into the next life. Hidan had managed to disarm Hannah and threw the Shoe-That-Might-Belong-To-Sasori-But-Now-I-Doubt-It-Since-Sasori-Is-Wearing-Shoes-On-Both-Feet across the room. It slammed into the wall and landed on Itachi's head. Itachi was coolly surprised. Tobi had switched from latching onto Itachi to Kakuzu, who was mortified at the idea. Dessie and Sasori were still in their battle of wills.

"Dessie, Hidan, Konan, Itachi, and Sasori will head south to deal with the Ikustaka."

A fight had broken out between Zetsu and Deidara (Zetsu had "accidentally" bitten Deidara's pinkie finger). Kisame took the moment of distraction to escape – however, he escaped into the fight between Hannah and Hidan, who were currently trying to rip each other to shreds. Poor Kisame. Kakuzu was still trying to detach from Tobi, while Itachi was attempting to weave his way back through the rabble to the sanctuary of the wall. Dessie and Sasori were still engaged in the battle of wills.

"Then Kakuzu, Hannah, and Deidara will go west."

Deidara had complete abandoned his art and now hand both hands fastened around Zetsu's neck, trying to throttle the plant to death. Hidan was trying to dodge Hannah's attacks while throwing violent and Jashin-related curses at her. Kisame escape the fight behind him, only to trip over the Shoe-That-Does-Not-Belong-To-Sasori. Kisame picked it up, examined it, and then put it on his own bare, blue foot. Itachi had finally reached the safety of the wall and returned to his I'm-Too-Cool-For-You pose while Kakuzu had finally managed to get rid of Tobi and hurled Tobi across the room. Unfortunately, Tobi broke the three feet rule had he landed, face first, on Leader's desk.

Leader blinked. Once. Twice. Three times

"PAIN DAMNIT ARE YOU ALL TOO THICK TO GET SHIT THROUGH YOUR HEADS! I'M DEALING WITH A SERIOUS MATTER HERE AND YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER! THE NEXT PERSON TO MOVE WILL FIND HIMSELF HEADLESS WITH HIS EARS TAPED TO THE WALL SO THAT THEY CAN LISTEN TO ME FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

Dead silence.

It was as if someone has dug a whole for silence and buried it six foot deep with a gravestone craved with RIP.

No one dared to breathe.

"Good," said Leader, pushing Tobi off the desk. "Listen. The Ikustaka has fled south. Dessie, Konan, Itachi, Sasori, and Hidan will head south to death with them. Up north is a monastery containing monks devoted to Four. Kate, Kisame, Zetsu, Tobi, and myself will go deal with them. And then Kakuzu, Deidara, and Hannah will head west to get the Ring of Four from the Kikensai. Any questions?"

Silence rose from the grave.

"Why do I have to go with _him_?"

"I don't want to be stuck with that bitch!"

"Why are we in a group with the love birds?"

"Can't we just stay here?"

"I'm tired."

"SHUT UP AND RAISE YOUR HANDS IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION! OTHERWISE I WILL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUES AND SACRIFICE THEM TO FOUR IN ORDER TO FIND A WAY HOME!"

No one moved.

"Good. We leave tomorrow morning. Pack up. Sleep tight."

Leader got to his feet and pushed his way through the crowded room, Konan following close behind. Leader slammed the door closed behind him, leaving us all in stunned silence.

"Hey…" said Hannah slowly. "Why are Dessie and Sasori staring at each other so intensely?"

"Battle of wills," I replied.

"Should we stop them?"

"Nah," said Kisame.

"We're going out for sake," said Kakuzu loudly.

Without missing a beat, Dessie shoved Sasori off of her and leapt to her feet. "Sake? Who's paying?"

"She's up."

I giggled.

"We have too many wild meetings," said Kisame, scratching the back of his head. "They're almost ore wild that our drinking parties."

"Almost?" asked Itachi.

"Uhn," grunted Deidara. "I want to go drink."

"Tobi won't see Hannah-Nunu, Dessie-Nunu, and Deidara-senpai for a long time!" Tobi attempted to hug us, but we dodged his arms.

"We should have a going away aprty," said Hannah thoughtfully.

"Tobi loves parties!"

"Oh good," said Hannah. "Tobi can pay."

A look of dead crossed Tobi's one visible eye. Oh. Dear. Warg/Jashin/God. Akatsuki drinking parties can reach any price.

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><p><strong>AN: End of the Elberi Filler chapters! The Akatsuki is divided again - plot time! Sorry, but it'll be a looooong time before theyrre actually reunited. Oh well. I have a poll on my profile asking who Hannah should end up with (she can be practically paired with anyone). I half want to do a poll asking who Dessie should end up with just to see if anyone puts something besides DessieHidan. **

**DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! I'M HOLDING UP MY END OF THE BARGAIN! Review or Leader will show you the true meaning of PAIN and SUFFERING!**


	42. Fate's Plan

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Two: Fate's Plan<strong>

**Hannah**

I don't mind camping in forests. I know Kate hates it with a passion – she can't stand all the bugs. Dessie, on the other hand, loves it. She likes to go on bug killing sprees and comes back with mounds of dead bug bodies which we can "eat" for dinner. Let me rephrase: I don't mind camping in forests – as long as it's not with Dessie.

Deidara, Kakuzu, and I were all sprawled out on the grass underneath the starry night sky. We didn't have sleeping bags or tents (Kakuzu was too cheap to buy them – he used the excuse "to become more in tune with nature"). Kakuzu was more than comfortable sleeping on the ground; the knowledge that he had saved money gave him sweet dreams. Deidara and I, however, lay on either side of Kakuzu, wide awake and extremely uncomfortable.

"What do you think he's dreaming about?" I asked.

"Money, uhn."

"Not hot babes?"

"Since when has Kakuzu cared more about hot babes than money?"

I shrugged (an awkward movement when you're lying on your back). "Maybe in his subconscious somewhere he has a secret burning passion for hot babes."

"Uh… no, uhn."

"Why do you say 'uhn' so much?" I yawned, exhausted, but unable to close my eyes because of the severe jabbing pain in my back. I think I was sleeping on a rock.

"I don't say 'uhn'."

"Yeah, you do."

"No, I don't, uhn."

"You're doing it right now…"

"No, uhn."

I sighed. "Forget it… uhn."

"You're the one who does it," said Deidara grouchily. He shifted uncomfortably, the grass rustling beneath him. "What is the Kikensai?"

"A mob."

"Yay… I just love mobs, uhn."

I opened my mouth to reply when the still night air was pierced by a scream. Deidara and I leapt to our feet, ready for an attack, while Kakuzu lay at out feet, sleeping blissfully.

"Asshole," muttered Deidara. "I should kick him, uhn."

"Whatever you want, Uhn-King," I said, my eyes shifting from side to side in search of the danger. "Who screamed?"

"Maybe it was Kakuzu…"

"Just kick the sleeping lump."

Deidara happily obliged and Kakuzu jerked awake. Immediately, he grabbed Deidara by the foot and tried to sever said foot from the leg. For a second, I debated letting Kakuzu rip Deidara to pieces (it would have been funny to see Deidara hopping around like a madman), but the whereabouts of the scream was a more pressing matter, so I stopped Kakuzu by whacking him over the head with my tennis shoe.

'What was that for?" asked Kakuzu begrudgingly.

"I need the Blond Fur Ball alive," I said.

"Why?"

"We heard a scream."

"Why do we care if some bitch dies out in the middle of the forest?"

I sighed – explaining these things took too much effort. "One, as human beings we're supposed to care what happens to other human beings."

Kakuzu snorted. "Since when have you cared?"

"Second, what if the scream somehow relates to the Kikensai? We should investigate."

"What's the likelihood of that?"

"This is a story posted online and written for fun, so – for the plot's sake – the likelihood is very high." I paused and then continued, "Third, whatever is out there might stumble across us and slit out throats as well."

Deidara grinned. "He'll go boom before that can happen, uhn."

"Fourth," I said, pushing the word out before Kakuzu could respond. "There might be money."

Kakuzu got up. "Alright – which way do we go?"

"I don't know…" I turned to Deidara. "Which direction did the scream come from?"

Deidara shrugged. "I thought you were paying attention, uhn."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and pointed to our right. "How about over _there_? Where the big cloud of smoke is rising from an orange light that looks like it might just be fire."

I squinted in the direction he was pointing and, sure enough, saw the vague outline of gray smoke illuminated in the light of the half moon.

"I saw that," said Deidara. "I totally saw that earlier, uhn. We were just testing you, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu snorted. "Sure."

We picked up our backpacks and sprinted off towards the pillar of smoke. As we approached the glow of orange flames became clear through the gaps between trees. The fire was eating away at the base of a tree with several men sitting below, their eyes fixated on something up in the branches. For the most part, the men were all thick-set with mangy beards and muscles to spare – they resembled pieces of meat rather than actual men.

We drew closer yet until we saw the reason behind the fire. Up in the top of the tree, clinging desperately to the frail, spider-think branches, was a slender girl. Her long, brown hair was twisted and tangled with twigs protruding from all angles. Her face was grubby and tear streaked, which was no becoming on a small, underfed thing like her.

The men growled and hissed, telling her to come down before she roasted alive.

She shook her head mutely.

"Look," said Kakuzu. "They're not interested in us. We should go."

"What about the girl?" I asked.

"Since when do you care?"

I thought about it for a second. "I once had a cat. The cat got stuck up in a tree and died. She sort of reminds me of my cat… Maybe…"

Deidara snickered. "Hannah's one attempt at being noble, uhn. We might as well give it to her."

I nodded. "One noble act a year – that's my limit."

"Well, as long as we get it out of the way now," said Kakuzu dully.

"Yee-haw!" Deidara raised two finger to eye level and cried, "Katsu!" I have no idea where it came from, but a clay millipede somehow expanded in a puff of smoke. Deidara leapt on the millipede's back and, pointing at the startled men, cried, "Onward, uhn!" The millipede scuttled forward into the campsite, throwing the men into wild fits of confusion.

Kakuzu and I watched for a second. The men were screaming and waving their arms about as they ran in circles, screaming, "We're under attack! We're under attack! The giant bugs have risen for revenge!"

"Why are all our opponents idiots?" I asked wearily.

"It's more entertaining that way," said Kakuzu with a shrug. He glanced at the tree where the little girl was still clinging to the branches as the flames danced higher and higher. "Shouldn't you save her now?"

"What? Who?"

My eyes flickered to the tree. "Oh. Her. Yeah, I guess I should – you mind giving me a lift?"

"You want to perform your noble act of the year and then you forget about it entirely," said Kakuzu. "Make up your mind."

His black tentacles emerged, wrapping around my waist. They lifted me from the ground and, for a minute, I had the weirdest sensation of dangling in midair. It was almost like flying – _almost_. There was a lot of breathlessness involved. And then, Kakuzu and his magical tentacles put me down on a tree branch near the little girl. She had caught sight of me, her eyes wide with horror.

"Hey," I said, waving awkwardly (rescue attempts of random strangers really aren't my thing). "I'm Hannah."

Stare.

"Fuu…"

"Leader bless you."

"That's my name…"

"Oh…" (Yep. Rescue attempts _really_ aren't my thing).

"Why are giant bugs attacking the men?" asked Fuu softly. She refused to let go of her spider-thin branch.

"Well, it's not so much the giant bugs as Deidara… He's my bitch."

Fuu cringed at the use of the word 'bitch', apparently her childhood innocence had not left her yet (that's okay, a day or two with the Akatsuki and she'll be sprouting perverted jokes with the rest of us).

"How old are you?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

"Ten…"

"I'm twenty."

Fuu didn't say anything. Her eyes were getting steadily wider as time passed by. Finally, she said, "Shouldn't we get down from the tree?"

I glanced below me and found that the fire was crackling at my heels. Oh shit.

"Kakuzu!" I shouted.

No response.

"Hey! Kakuzu! We need down!"

Still no response.

"Fine, you asshole," I snapped (Fuu cringed). "Deidara! Blond Fur Ball! Get your ass up here and save me before I burn to death!"

The effect was instantaneous. The millipede scuttled up the tree trunk, weaving between the branches. Deidara's blond hair appeared beside me and he grinned at me mischievously.

"What's my reward for saving you?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said, hopping onto the millipede's head beside him. "Go save Fuu."

"We can't leave her to burn?"

"What was the point in coming here, idiot?"

"Oh right, uhn."

The millipede scuttled further up the tree to where Fuu was waiting. I helped her settle on the millipede's head. I kept on hand firmly fixed on Fuu's shoulder and the other clung tightly to Deidara's shirt. He lead the millipede back down to the ground where I saw that Kakuzu had the last living man by the throat and was questioning him for the whereabouts of their gold.

"We… don't have… any…"

"Liar," said Kakuzu and he snapped the guy's neck.

Fuu squeaked in horror.

"You suck at interrogations," I said, nudging the dead man's body with my foot. "It's all about playing games. You have to battle them let them think they've won, give them a sliver of hope – and then snatch it away. Crush them good and thorough." I grinned. "That's how it's done."

"Remind me not to get on your bad side, uhn."

Kakuzu ignored me. He crouched in front of poor Fuu who was trembling like crazy. Her head was turned away, as if she was terrified to look Kakuzu directly in the face.

"She looks poor," he said. "What was the point of rescuing her if we don't get a reward."

"Noble deed of the year," I reminded him.

"I-i-if you want a reward…" stammered Fuu. "Y-y-you can help me get my diamond back."

Kakuzu stopped and stared. "Diamond?"

Fuu nodded. "They stole it from me. And when I tried to get it back, they almost burned me alive."

"Diamond?"

"It's a family heirloom – worth ten thousand gold…"

"Diamond?"

Fuu nodded again. "Yeah…" She turned to me. "Why does he keep saying 'diamond'?"

"Hook, line, and sinker," I said. "Diamond, money, and Kakuzu will do whatever you want."

Fuu glanced nervously at Kakuzu. "He'll help me get the diamond back?"

I didn't have the heart to tell Fuu that while Kakuzu would get the diamond, that doesn't necessarily mean he'll get it for _her_. Most likely it would be for the black market merchant with the best price.

"Yeah."

"Who were the people trying to kill you, uhn?" asked Deidara thoughtfully (something I never considered possible for the Blond Fur Ball).

Fuu hesitated, but, biting her lip and steeling her nerves, she said, "The Kikensai."

…

I whacked Kakuzu and on the back of the head and snapped, "See, I told you. When you're in a cheap online fanfiction anything can happen. Even a random 'fateful' encounter between you and the Kikensai."

Kakuzu sighed and rubbed the back of his head irritably. "Stupid unoriginal author…"

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry, I missed a day - I had three tests today. So I spent all of yesterday studying for it. Thanks for you reviews, those of you who UPHELD YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN were great. Everyone else need to step up his or her game! Though, to be fair, I fell behind as well. I might not update regularly during the next week because of college tours, but I'll try to update twice a day on days I can... yeah.**

**Review! Or Hannah won't come to save you when you're stuck up a burning tree!**


	43. Whore Etiquette

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Three: Whore Etiquette<strong>

**Dessie**

Konan handed me some meat on a stick. Squinting, I inspected the food carefully, poking it with the end of my finger.

"What is it?"

"Chicken… I think."

I raised one eyebrow at her and she shrugged. Sasori, Hidan, Itachi, Konan, and I were standing in the middle of a market place in some town called Daesa. The streets were reasonably crowded and we shuffled about awkwardly between the crowds. Sasori had managed to "find" some money, and Konan had headed to the nearest food stall.

"It looks…funny," I said, raising the chicken to eye level.

"If you don't want it, I'll have it."

Hidan materialized beside me and, before I could protest, he took a huge bight out of one of the supposed chicken pieces. He chewed for a second, swallowed, and considered.

"Overall fairly good. I'm pretty sure it's chicken."

I glared. "Did I say you could have some of my food?"

"You didn't want it."

I stabbed him in the shoulder with the stick – "chicken" pieces still attached – and turned my back to him. Hidan cried out in pain and, by the slightly horrified expression on Konan's face, he pulled the tick out of his flesh.

"Look at this."

He hung on arm over my shoulder, placing the bloodied meat and stick in front of my face.

"You've ruined a perfectly good meal."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "That's your blood on the stick – doesn't that mean _you've_ ruined a perfectly good meal."

"There's a difference," said Itachi, pulling a piece of meat off his own stick. "Between the stabber and the stabbed."

"I think that distinction fades with them," said Sasori.

I stuck my tongue out at him. Unfortunately, Hidan hadn't stopped waving the bloodied stick in front of my face and my tongue licked against the blood.

"Ew!" I cried, trying to wipe my tongue off with the palm of my hand. "Zombie Whore blood!"

"You should be grateful," said Hidan. "It's not every day a bitch gets to taste my blood."

"Yeah," I muttered. "Usually you're the one doing the tasting."

"Is it just me," said Konan. "Or does everything in this conversation sound kinky?"

Sasori sighed. "It's not just you."

"Yay!" I said, throwing my hands into the air. "We're all perverts – can we move on to the next conversation?"

"Like what?" asked Itachi.

"What are we going to do about the Ikustaka?"

"Kill them all," said Hidan firmly. "The more gruesome the better. Maybe we could put spikes through them…"

"They're being protected by the Okensai," said Itachi. "It'll be had to get a hold of them."

"We can't barge into Okensai headquarters with spikes and scythes raised?" I asked.

"No…"

"Then I'm out of ideas."

Itachi sighed. A crowd of middle aged women came bustling down the street, examining the vegetable stalls. One of them caught sight of Itachi, pointed and giggled. The others soon followed suit and Itachi had his own mini middle-aged fan club created in just a matter of seconds. I have to say I was kind of jealous.

"Why don't we try to get close to one of them?" Konan asked "The Okensai's leaders."

"Get close?"

"Oh," I said, nodding my head in agreement. "She means 'get close' and in 'use whore-like methods to capture the guy's attention and use him to our advantage'."

"Thanks for enlightening us," said Itachi flatly.

"One problem," said Sasori. "Where are we going to find and Okensai leader?"

We fell into silence, each one of us thinking hard. We needn't have worried though, because, at that very moment, one of Itachi's middle-aged fan girls stepped forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, mister," she said (you have no idea how weird it is to hear a fifty-year-old woman call a guy in his mid twenties 'mister'). "I couldn't help but overhear… you're looking for the Okensai?"

"A leader in the Okensai," corrected Konan.

The woman ignored Konan – she only had eyes for Itachi. "There's one staying at my brothel."

"_Your_ brothel?" Sasori asked.

She nodded, not sparing even a glance for him. "I own a brothel, yes."

"There's a Okensai leader staying there…?" repeated Itachi.

"Yes."

"I wanna go!" I cried.

"Why?"

"I can infiltrate the brothel and meet up with the Okensai leader," I said. "Besides, I'm the one with the biggest chest here – I have to best chance of seducing him."

"I'll infiltrate," said Konan abruptly.

We all turned to stare at her, eyes wide with disbelief.

"You?" said Sasori. "Why you?"

Konan shrugged. "I haven't have any fun in a long time."

With a giggle, I clapped my hands together and cried, "I have a compromise! Konan and I will go to the brothel together and seduce this Okensai guy – the girls are gonna have some fun!"

"Oh Jashin," muttered Hidan. "This is going to end in mass carnage."

"So true," I said, cheerfully.

Hidan sighed. "Are you sure I can't just charge right in and kill everyone?"

"I want to do that too," I said. "But Itachi thinks it would be unwise."

"Since when do you listen so devotedly to Itachi?"

* * *

><p>I examined myself in the mirror, puckering my lips as I traced them with red stain. Standing back, I examined the deep purple kimono they had put me in. "Does this outfit make my boobs look big?"<p>

"Everything makes your boobs look big," said Konan wearily.

I grinned and stepped away from the mirror to regard her carefully (in her matching blue kimono). "I can't help it my chest is divine."

"It's fine with me," said Konan. "It means the perverts will be chasing after you."

"Aw," I said. "But it's funnier when they chase after you – then Leader will find them and kill them all."

"You just enjoying watching them suffer," said Konan, shaking her head.

"Don't you?"

"Well… yeah, but that's beside the point."

The door to the room opened Olga (the owner of the brothel) stepped inside. Her layers of fat jiggled wildly, stuffed inside a yellow kimono two sizes too small.

"Hey, Darling," I said, waving at her. "How are you tonight?"

"Don't be arrogant," snapped Olga. "Newbies should learn their place."

I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Look at this body of celestial origin – I belong on a pedestal at the top of your whorehouse."

Olga looked murderous while Konan had to bow her head to stop her smirking face from being visible.

"You're first customer is coming in," snapped Olga. "Behave yourself."

After some intense blackmailing, we had managed to get the Okensai leader as our customer. Konan and I sat on the ground, trying to look as enticing and as sexy as possible.

"How am I?" Konan asked nervously.

"Hot," I said. "I want to take you and ravish you right now."

"Pervert."

I grinned, but before I could respond the door to the room open and the leader of the Okensai stepped inside. Or, at least, I thought it was a leader of the Okensai. The all too familiar blond hair and blue eyes forced me to do a double take.

"Deidara!" I snapped. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Hannah?"

Deidara blinked. He stood in the doorway, staring at me stupidly. "Do I know you?"

"Dessie…" murmured Konan, touching my shoulder. "That would be C-Deidara."

I gave him the once over and, sure enough, he didn't have the same freaky mouths on his hands. No matter how identical he was to Deidara, he wasn't him. I leant over and whispered in Konan's ear, "This is going to be harder than I thought it would be. There's no way I can seduce a Deidara lookalike. It would scar me for the rest of my life."

Konan nodded.

"What are you two whispering about?" snapped C-Deidara.

"I was just saying how handsome you are," I said, adding a coy smile. "I was expecting our first customer to be some ugly old brute."

C-Deidara grinned, all worries gone, and slid across the room to sit between us. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and the other around Konan's shoulders. Pulling us close, he said, "Aren't I lucky to have two such beauties as you for the night?"

"Definitely," I leaned forward so that he could see exactly what I had to offer.

C-Deidara's eyes followed my chest, unblinkingly. It was only when Konan pressed a kunai to his thought that C-Deidara look away.

"What…?"

"Hey, Love," I said, patting his cheek fondly. "Did you get a good view?"

"Y-y-your not whores!"

"Really?" I asked. "I beg to differ – I'm just not _your_ whore."

"It's true," said Konan, pressing the knife closer against C-Deidara's throat and drawing blood. "She's Hidan's whore and his alone."

"I'm not his whore!" I cried indignantly.

"And if you touch her," said Konan. "He'll sacrifice you to Jashin."

"Who's Jashin?"

"Konan," I said. "Kill him. Then he will be enlightened to Jashin as he suffers eternal torment."

"I can't kill him yet," said Konan wearily. "We need him."

"What for?" asked C-Deidara squeakily.

"We need to find the Ikustaka," I said. "We hear the Okensai offered them shelter."

"W-w-why do you need the Ikustaka?" he stammered.

"Revenge," I said, and then added. "Not our revenge, theirs."

"Why are you hunting them down if they wan revenge on you?" asked C-Deidara, all fears momentarily forgotten. "Wouldn't it be better to run in the opposite direction?"

"Never," I said, running my fingers along the soft carpet. "We welcome the challenge. Let them come and fight us face to face – we will win… and then we won't have to worry about them stabbing us in the back while we sleep."

C-Deidara blinked. "That's…"

"Amazing, awesome – I know. I'm not just divine in looks, you know. I'm also divine in personality."

"She means divine as in having the worst personality imaginable," added Konan.

I smiled. "I never said I was a nun!"

"It's true," said Konan. "You make a better whore than a nun."

"Well, all those times you dumped Hannah, Kate, and I in brothels, I learned the art of whore etiquette."

"How did you learn to be a whore? Didn't you just kill your customers the moment they entered the room?"

I sighed dramatically. "Alas, they were all ugly. If but one of them was hot, I would have spared his throat."

C-Deidara shuddered. "You know…" he said slowly.

"Yes, darling?" asked Konan, pressing the kunai closer to his throat.

"I am in need of some bodyguards…" His throat quivered at knife point. "On my journey down south…"

"Sounds like fun," I said, cheerfully clapping my hands. "Konan? You interested?"

"Extremely." She removed the kunai and hopped off C-Deidara's back. She offered a hand to help him up. "It'll be a pleasure doing business with you."

C-Deidara bit his lip. "Yeah… The pleasure is all… mine…"

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><p><strong>AN: Whoooo! Break on vacation where I have internet access, which means... UPDATE, YOU DAMN REVIEW WHORE! So I did. Here you go. Is it just me or have my chapters been short recently? I'll have to fix that... Thank you to all my beautiful, wonderful, majestic reviewers! I love you all! **

**Now review, or Konan will cut your throat. XD**


	44. Plant King Zetsu

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Four: Plant King Zetsu<strong>

**Kate**

For the record, the Akatsuki and gypsies do not mix. It's sort of like putting evil spider monkeys and crazy rainbow snakes in a cardboard box together, shaking it up, and seeing what happens. The answer is complete and utter lunacy.

You probably want to know how we got involved with a gypsy caravan traveling north – I'd wonder too. Well, we were walking along the Main Road, figuring that no one would recognize us from insane criminals since we were from a different reality so it would be safe to travel in public. And it was. We were just one group among many. Completely invisible to the world.

That was until we encountered the gypsies.

They stared.

And stared.

And stared some more.

Until finally, Kisame turned to them and snapped, "What's your problem?"

Their leader – a tall, rail-thin man with dark skin and black hair pulled back into dozens of intricate braids that rained down his head and was dressed in bright reds and purples – stepped forward and said, "We have found him. We have found our savior."

"Eh?"

"The great god of all things plentiful and true – the Plant King Zetsu!"

…

"EH!"

Apparently, born to one of the women of the caravan was a baby who possessed a body half black and half white with cold yellow eyes and green hair. The tribe was, at first, horrified at the child and shunned him. One day, when he was four years old and the child could stand it no longer, he ran away from the tribe and hid inside a Venus flytrap. Somehow the Venus flytrap became infused with his body and when he returned to the caravan, lost and confused, the gypsies realized his magic – he was a god! Then, five months ago the Plant King Zetsu disappeared over night and since then the gypsies have been searching for him all across Seanova.

Overjoyed that they had found Zetsu again, the gypsy caravan invited us to travel with them, showering us with gifts and honors for returning their god to them. After a week of traveling together, we had grown used to the gypsies and Zetsu had grown used to being pampered. We settled down for our eighth night of travelling together in a clearing in a forest just off the Main Road.

"Damn," said Kisame, leaning over to prod the campfire with a sharpened stick. "Zetsu's got it good."

"I wonder who the original Zetsu was," I said, huddling close to the campfire, hoping it would chase away the brittle night air.

"Who cares?" asked Kisame, his voice booming. "As long as they think our Zetsu is their Zetsu."

"Shush," I said, touching his shoulder lightly. "If they hear you…"

"They're gypsies – what can they do?" Despite his words, Kisame lowered his voice (I'll say it was for my sake in order to save his ego).

"You think it was C-Zetsu?" I asked.

Kisame prodded the coals one more time before sitting back on the ground next to me. He wrapped one blue arm (who would have thought I'd have a boyfriend with blue arms) around my shoulders and said, "Probably."

"What do you think happened to him?"

"He probably died in some accident or by illness. Living in a Venus flytrap cannot be healthy."

"What if the same thing happens to our Zetsu?" I asked nervously.

"Then we'll be one weird thing less in the world."

"Kisame!" I wailed. "You can't call Zetsu a weird thing! That's mean! What if something really does happen to him! What if he dies! You don't want Hannah to be a widow, do you! And Zetsu… while he can be mean… he can be nice too… It'd be terrible if he died."

Kisame grinned at me, putting every single one of his pointy white teeth on display. "Don't worry. Plant King Zetsu will be fine – pinky promise."

I held out my pinky to him and waited, my face dead-set-serious.

He hooked his pinky with mine and we shook.

"Pinky promise."

A sloppy smile crossed my face and I leaned against his shoulder, gazing into the prancing orange flames. "You're so adorable."

"Adorable?" repeated Kisame. "Did you really just call me _adorable_?"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"Is there something right with calling an S-ranked criminal who chops of people's heads with a giant sword for a living 'adorable'?"

I blinked. "Probably not…"

"My point is proven."

"What point did Kisame prove?"

Tobi's orange mask appeared next to my face. I shrieked and skirted closer to Kisame, while he laughed and hugged me tighter. I spent a moment struggling and giggling until he finally let me go. Laughing until I choked and gasping for air all at once, I gave up my fight.

Tobi was sitting on the ground cross-legged, staring at Kisame and I intensely.

"Uh, yeah?" said Kisame. "What do you want, Tobi?"

"Leader is sleeping and Zetsu is being worshipped. Tobi is all alone with no one to play with him."

"Yeah…" said Kisame suspiciously. "What does that have to do with us?"

"Kisame and Kate should play with Tobi! Tobi wants to play House! Tobi can be the daddy, Kate can be the mommy, and Kisame can be the pet goldfish!"

"Goldfish," muttered Kisame.

"Kisame can be the pet piranha if he really wants," added Tobi.

"How about this," said Kisame. "I'll be the daddy, Kate will be the mommy and Tobi will be the annoying neighbor who we're trying to run off the property because he turns his sprinklers on at three in the morning!"

"Tobi doesn't have sprinklers… He has Zetsu water the gardens during the day…"

"Tobi," I said gently. "I think Zetsu's too busy being a god-king to care for your gardens."

Kisame snickered. "I still can't get over this. Plant King Zetsu."

I glanced sideways at Tobi. He was rocking backward and forward, his black gloved hands clutching his knees, so that he was curled up in a little ball. His one visible eye was crinkled with joy.

Madara would never do something as silly as that. Madara would be sitting straight up, regarding the flames with the upmost seriousness, considering the best way to deal with the current situation. He wouldn't bother talking to Kisame or me, too busy wracked up in his own villainous thoughts. If he were to talk to Kisame and me, it would be to goad us or insult us – never anything playful, and certainly not to ask us to play House.

Tobi rolled onto his back and, giggling, stared up at the night sky.

How did Madara end up in Tobi's body? He said Tobi summoned him. But how could a sweet thing like Tobi end up summoning Madara? Revenge? Impossible… Or was it?

"Why is Kate-chan staring at Tobi?"

I blinked, awoken from my reverie. Still lying on his back, Tobi's head was turned to the side, his one visible eye staring directly at me.

"Huh?"

"Kate-chan is staring at Tobi. Does that mean she _loves_ Tobi?" Tobi raised one hand to his mouth and chuckled. "But Kate-chan is dating Kisame. Could she have a forbidden love for Tobi?"

Kisame kicked an ember from the fire in Tobi's direction. With easy, Tobi dodged it, still clucking delightedly. "Kisame isn't happy! It must be true! Kate-chan is in love with Tobi!" Tobi bowed in my direction. "Sorry, Kate-chan, but Tobi only loves his nunus and Deidara-senpai."

"He's an idiot," muttered Kisame.

"Don't mind him," I said.

"I won't. Besides, Zetsu will eat him one day. And, if I'm lucky, Zetsu will cook him in a stew and let me have some too."

"Who are we cooking in a stew?"

Kisame and I glanced over our shoulders to see Zetsu approaching from behind us. Two gypsies accompanied him, one on either side. If I remember properly, the one with curly black hair was called Sosuke and the one with long brown hair was Yuya. Zetsu took a seat on the ground between us and Tobi, while his gypsy guards settled next to him.

"Tobi," said Kisame. "He's making up strange fantasies again."

Zetsu nodded. "Tobi does enjoy strange fantasies."

"Zetsu! Zetsu!" cried Tobi, hopping over to kneel on the ground in front of Zetsu. "Has Zetsu heard the news? Kate-chan is in love with Tobi! Even though she's dating Kisame, Kate-chan is in love with Tobi!"

Zetsu blinked and turned his head in our direction.

"Strange fantasies," repeated Kisame.

"We see."

And then Zetsu bit Tobi's leg.

Tobi cried out in pain and yanked his leg away from Zetsu. His head was bent over his leg, inspecting it carefully. For a second I thought he had transformed into Madara, but when he raised his head, he cried out, "Zetsu is a bad boy! A bad boy! Tobi doesn't like Zetsu anymore!"

Zetsu smiled. "We're hungry."

Tobi shrieked and ran to the other side of the blazing fire. "Stay away! Stay away! Zetsu should stay away from Tobi!"

Without a word, Zetsu sunk into the ground, disappearing from sight. A heart beat later, he appeared on the other side of the fire, standing behind Tobi. As Tobi screamed in fear, a demonic grin crossed Zetsu's face, enhanced by the orange glow of the fire.

Zetsu and Tobi had an amusing battle around the campfire, which ended with Zetsu trying to roast Tobi on a stick.

Before Zetsu could cook Tobi properly thought, the two gypsies leapt to their feet and Yuya cried, "Your Holiness! Such behavior is unfit for a god!"

Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, and I regarded the gypsies with surprise. So surprised, in fact, that Zetsu dropped Tobi into the fire and with a yelp, Tobi freed himself from the ropes binding him to the roasting stick and leapt out of the fire. He danced about in place for a minute, trying to dash out the flames.

"Zetsu wasn't serious," I said. "Tobi could easily escape whenever he wanted to."

"Cannibalism!" cried Sosuke. "It's unfit for a god!"

"It's not really cannibalism," said Kisame. "Since we don't know if Zetsu's a man or a plant."

"A man, obviously," said Sosuke. "Since he was born to the woman, Isa."

"Oh right," said Kisame. "C-Zetsu was born a man and then eaten by a Venus flytrap…"

"Does that mean our Zetsu is a man too?" I asked.

We both glanced back at Zetsu.

"C-Zetsu?" repeated Sosuke.

"_Our_ Zetsu?" said Yuya.

"Er…"

Other gypsies had begun to wander over, attracted to the presence of the Plant King Zetsu. Expressions of confusion and outrage filled their faces, watching us suspiciously.

"Well…" began Kisame, but he trailed off, not knowing where to go from there. "You see…"

"We, um, are so used to Zetsu being Zetsu," I said. "We can't imagine him being a god-king. So we separate the god-king Zetsu from the Zetsu we know by calling him C-Zetsu."

Understanding crossed the gypsies' faces and they nodded in agreement.

Kisame elbowed me in the ribs and, under his breath, he muttered, "Good job."

"Totally making that up as I go along," I whispered back.

"What are Kisame and Kate talking about?" asked Tobi. "C-Zetsu is the Zetsu from the alternate reality."

Kisame and I both rounded on Tobi with wild eyes.

"What are you talking about, you shithead!" snapped Kisame.

"Have Kisame and Kate forgotten?" asked Tobi. "We've already met C-Hinata, C-Itachi, C-Tsunade, C-Sasori, C-Naruto, C-Sakura, C-Ibuki, and C-Hidan. How is a C-Zetsu any different?"

Kisame laughed weakly. "He's a little… Crazy…"

They might have believed us. If, right then and there, Tobi had shut up and the conversation had died. But, of course, since when had the Akatsuki had such good luck? Oh no. The worst possible thing had to happen.

At that very perfect moment, there came a cry from the surrounding trees and, bursting through the tangle of branches and leaves, came a man. But not just any man – a man who was half white and half black with yellow eyes and green hair who looked as though he had been eaten by a Venus flytrap, but was too big to be swallowed whole and got stuck halfway through.

"Oh Jashin," I said.

"Oh Warg," said Kisame.

"Oh us," said Zetsu.

C-Zetsu stood before us, gasping and panting for breath. He straightened up and grinned at us all. "I'm home!" he cried. "Our rival gypsy caravan kidnapped me, but I managed to get away! I'm home!"

I'm pretty sure someone screamed.

C-Zetsu caught sight of us. I think he screamed too.

Slowly, understanding dawned on each of the gypsies' faces and they all turned to us with sharp and accusing eyes. I could see them mentally sharpening their weapons, planning some sort of punishment worthy of the divine Plant King C-Zetsu.

"Tobi, Zetsu – Kate, darling," said Kisame, addressing each one of us in turn. "I think we've worn out our welcome."

"You think?" I said, my voice squeaking a little.

"Someone get Leader," said Kisame.

"Yes."

Zetsu sunk into the ground and disappeared. The rest of us slowly turned to face the crowd of angry gypsies, nervously, Kisame waved at them.

"An honest mistake," he said. "Our Zetsu does resemble yours quite a lot…"

"Anyone could make a mistake like that," I said, shrugging. "We quite enjoyed your… hospitality… Um…"

"Good food," added Kisame.

"Uh-huh!" I said, nodding enthusiastically. "The food was great! Way better than any of us… could… make…"

The gypsy leader was standing at the front of the group a knife appearing in his hands – knives in all their hands. "Kill them."

I screeched.

Tobi turned.

Kisame ran.

Together we sprinted towards the forest, forcing our way through the branches, and zigzagging this way and that – here, there, anywhere to lose the gypsies that were snapping at our heels.

I tripped and some point, my hands scratching against a tree root. I didn't have time to inspect my blood palms as Kisame wrapped one arm around my waist and carried me like a sack of potatoes through the forest. I don't know how long we ran for or how fast, but eventually the gypsies and their knives disappeared. Tobi, Kisame, and I collapsed at the foot of an old pine tree.

"Well that was fun," said Kisame, rolling his eyes.

Tobi nodded enthusiastically. "Tobi likes fleeing from crazy colored people with knives."

I giggled. "What a time for the real Plant King to show up."

"Is that possible?" asked Kisame. "Are we really that unlucky?"

"Apparently."

"Damn. Remind me never to bet on us."

"I'd leave the betting and gambling to Hannah and Kakuzu," I said.

Kisame nodded. "They cheat."

"Cheating always help."

"Pain, Warg, Jashin, God, and the Plant King Zetsu – not you Zetsu, the other Zetsu! What did you all do now!"

We all turned to see Leader, looking extremely tired and extremely pissed off with some extreme bed hair, standing between two trees. Zetsu was a shadow behind Leader, looking slightly amused (or as amused as Zetsu can get).

"C-Zetsu showed up," I explained.

"Zetsu tried to eat Tobi," added Kisame. "They didn't think it was god-king-like behavior."

"And it was just plain rude," cried Tobi.

"Shut up, all of you," snapped Leader, rubbing his head. "I was having the greatest dream–"

"Was Konan in it?" asked Kisame.

"I said shut up! Shut up or I will bring you right back to the gypsies to cook and feed to their true god-king!"

We shut up.

"Now we're going to travel all on our own," said Leader. "Without our devoted escort. I'm not happy. I liked being pampered and cared for. And now it's gone. Whose fault is that?"

We said nothing.

"You can answer."

"Ours," said Kisame shakily.

"Correct. So, in payment of losing our devoted escort, I expect all of you to treat me like your own god – the god of pain and suffering who will show you the true meaning of torture, destruction, and agony if you do not serve me to my liking – _understand_?"

We nodded mutely.

"Good. Now, I want to finish sleeping. I want you all to lie down in a row and make a comfortable bed for me using your bodies. Anyone who objects will return to the gypsy camp to get me a pillow."

We obeyed without protest.

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><p><strong>AN: I LOVE YOU LEADER-SAMA! Now please don't teach me the meaning of pain. hahaha I love Leader best when he's being terrifying and grouching and when Kisame teases him about Konan. This chapter has a lot in it. Kisame/Kate moments, some hints at Kate/Madara, some random Tobiness, Leader in his terror, Zetsu in his proper place (being worshipped - he finally receives some love!), Leader gone ballistic, Kate being nice and then being an Akatsuki Whore intermittently, and the Akatsuki fleeing the scene of the crime (impersonation) heroically. Yep. **

**Sorry, I haven't updated, college tours! Tomorrow is a free day so I'll try to update at least once. I have probably defied the whole meaning of being a gypsy in this chapter and, in case any of you planned on giving me a lecture how real gypsies are nothing like that, I will tell you in advance: I don't care. This is Seanova, a random alternate reality that I made up on the spot - there, gypsies are however I want them to be. Yay!**

**Anyways, review! Or Leader-sama will drag you before the C-Zetsu-worshipping gypsies. **


	45. Ride That Sunset

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Hannah, Kakuzu, and Deidara met a girl named Fuu whose family heirloom, a diamond, was stolen by the Kikensai. As her one good act per year, Hannah decided to help Fuu.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Five: Ride That Sunset<strong>

**Hannah**

Sometimes I have to ask myself: how do I end up in these crazy situations?

I asked myself that when, back on Earth, Dessie got us arrested for prostitution (don't ask), and when Kate got us chased down the street by angry zookeepers (again, don't ask), and when Deidara got us caught by native cannibals (he made a bet with Zetsu), and when Zetsu got drunk and tried to consummate out marriage (Kisame's fault), and when Kakuzu got us in prison for cheating at gambling (we're usually flawless). The same question always runs through my mind: why me? What did I do wrong?

Of course, Dessie could answer immediately. "Because you're a bitch who enjoys watching other people suffer, it creates bad karma and bad karma always comes back to haunt you."

"Oh yeah, Dessie – then why don't you end up married, nearly eaten, and in prison more times than you can count?"

"Because I'm a perfect angel."

Yeah. Right.

Anyways (I'm ridiculously off topic here), I'm asking myself this time because, as I sit in a council room in the Kikensai's gigantic castle waiting for a meeting with one of the gang's sect leaders, I realized exactly how much shit I've gotten into this time – and, unfortunately, this time I can't blame anyone by myself.

This is why I only perform one act of kindness per year.

"Hannah," said Fuu softly, tugging at my sleeve. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said bluntly. "Spectacular."

"You look sort of pale."

"I said I was spectacular, didn't I?" I muttered.

The meeting room was basically a round table with several knobby wooden chairs tucked in around it. The walls were thick slabs of gray stone that imprisoned us in the dark, dank castle of the Kikensai. Overall, it was dreary.

I glanced about the room, my eyes falling on the heavy wooden door on the far end. It remained closed as it had been for the past hour.

The plan had been simple – though, in the end, I doubted it would be anything but. I would pose as Fuu's agent, who was willing to surrender all of her claims to the diamond as long as they met certain conditions. If they didn't agree to our conditions, we would take them before court with the cold, hard evidence we had collected. While I was blinding the Kikensai with my shimmering beauty, Deidara and Kakuzu would sneak into the room and capture the Kikensai leader who was dealing with me. Then we'd threaten his life for the diamond and the Ring of Four.

So far, only stage one of the plan was complete: get inside the Kikensai castle.

Fuu tapped her foot against the stone floor impatiently. Surprisingly, she was rather calm about the whole situation, though her eyes kept darting nervously towards the door.

I'm not sure how long we waited for (there wasn't a clock in the room), but, eventually, the door creaked open and four guards stepped in, dressed in a deep maroon. Behind them, a broad-chested man with thick, curly hair and a stubborn face marched in. He was dressed in rich garments of red and black. His head lifted high with pride and prowess. Yep. Definitely a leader of the Kikensai.

Fuu hopped the her feet, gazing at the man with a trembling fear.

I remained seated. "And I should call you?"

The man regarded me carefully, his brown eyes flashing dangerously. "Lord Hideki, Third Commander of the Kikensai."

"Sounds grand," I said, running my fingers along the wooden table top. "I'm Hannah. No title, sorry to disappoint."

"Huh." Hideki did not move from the door way. His guards were watching me carefully, their eyes every so often flickering back to Hideki. Fuu slowly slowered herself back into her seat.

"We came to offer terms," I said. "You can accept them, or suffer the consequences."

"Terms," repeated Hideki stiffly. "And what are these terms for?"

"You know very well." I got to my feet and stared at Hideki. I thought of Tobi trying to hug me for the hundredth time and hoped that the irritation and power filled my gaze – according to Kisame that glare was enough to send rocks scuttling back in fear.

"I assure you, I don't."

"Don't screw with me," I said, stepping forward. "You have something of Fuu's that is rightfully hers. We could have it back. Or we could offer you terms. If you decline – we can always take this to court. We have irrefutable evidence."

"Evidence of what?"

I gritted my teeth. Hopefully not all Kikensai officers were this dense. "Do I have to speak plainly? You have Fuu's diamond. We want it back. Since you're bigger and scarier, we're going to blackmail you into giving us what we want – okay?"

"Diamond?"

"Ah!" I slapped the palm of my hand to my forehead. "Please tell me you're not all this stupid. Get me someone who knows what the hell I'm talking about."

"You're the one rambling about some diamond no one has ever heard of!" snapped Hideki. He stormed forward and grabbed me by the wrist. "How dare you come in here and accuse the Kikensai of stealing from a poor brat like her! We have standards! We would cheat it out of her fair and square and watch her scream and writhe in agony but unable to do anything because we have scammed her so perfectly! So don't you _dare_ accuse the Kikensai of something as low and pathetic as _theft_."

I blinked. "Surprisingly," I said. "I agree. Theft is rather petty. I deal mostly in black market and gambling. What's scamming like when you're part of an organization the size of the Kikensai?"

Hideki stared, his mouth wide open. "Er… We're more of a black market…"

"But you must be able to do so on a large scale," I said. "I usually fix prices and some conning. My partner in crime is more of a bounty type – but trickery has always worked best for me."

"Right…" Hideki swallowed, managing to gain some control of his jaw. "Fuu…"

"Oh, right! Fuu!" I turned around and stared at Fuu. "What are you talking about? Thieves? The Kikensai is way more professional than that."

Fuu wasn't listening. She was staring at something on Hideki's hand. I followed her gaze and found the glittering object of attention fixed to his middle finger. A band of gold with a bbilue gem fixed in the center, the outline of the number four traced into the gem.

"Hey…"

_WHAM_!

Something sharp and silver whizzed past my head – inches from the arch of my nose – and embedded itself in the chest of the soldier nearest to me. His eyes were open wide and, slowly, they dropped their gaze to his chest, where a flower of blood blossomed.

"Oh." And then he dropped to the floor. Dead.

"Oh damn," I said. "This is not going to end well."

I turned around to see Fuu, standing atop the wooden table. Her kimono had been thrown off, revealing tight fitting black clothes beneath and a fantastic array of knives, daggers, and other exceedingly sharp weapons.

"That was supposed to hit you," said Fuu darkly. "You moved at the last second."

"I have an annoying habit of staying alive," I said. I bent my knee, lifting my right foot closer to the hand. "It comes from living with nutcases like Deidara and Hidan… and Leader and Kisame and Kakuzu and Itachi… and Tobi and Konan… and Dessie… Hell, we'll add Kate into the mix." My hand fasted around the ankle of the shoe and, slowly, I slipped it off my foot. "They're all crazy. They make a treacherous bitch like you look sane." I gripped the shoe. "Take it as a compliment." And then I threw the shoe at Fuu's head.

It hit her square in the forehead.

I dove underneath the table.

My head made contact with another skull. The meaty face of Hideki stared back at me.

Fuu recovered her balance and, with a cry of outrage, she hurled knives in all directions.

The Kikensai guards fell to the floor, drenching the room with crimson blood.

"You whore!" screamed Fuu, stomping on the table. "I'll kill you!"

"Hop off the table and I'll slice your legs off," growled Hideki. He gripped his broad sword in his hands and watched carefully underneath the cover of the table.

"I'll kill you both!" screamed Fuu.

Again, I ask myself: _how do I manage to get in these situations!_

I crossed my arms and my legs and sat underneath the table, glowering at Hideki.

"I don't fight," I said. "I just con. This is not exactly a situation I can con myself out of!"

"What do you do then when your enemies come after you!" snapped Hideki.

"That's when my husband, my bitch, and my partner in crime intervene."

"Your…"

SLAM!

Standing in the doorway – fists and clay ready for action – was Deidara and Kakuzu.

"See," I said. "And this is where my job ends."

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Deidara, staring around the room.

"Hannah," said Kakuzu. "What kind of shit did you get into this time?"

"Not my fault!" I shouted from underneath the table. "Fuu ended up being some crazy ass thief-assassin thing."

"I'm a mercenary!" snapped Fuu. "My master ordered me to retrieve the Ring of Four!"

"Crazy bitch," I muttered. I glanced at Hideki and sighed. "Watch this." Raising my voice, I turned towards the door and shouted, "Kakuzu! She was lying about the diamond!"

The effect was instantaneous. Have you ever seen Kakuzu when deprived of money? No? Let's just say it's a scene you would be better off not seeing. By the end of it, Fuu was mangled and tortured and in excruciating pain – but she was still alive.

Hideki and I slid out from underneath the table.

"That bitch," said Hideki darkly. "Why don't you just kill her?"

"I figured you'd want a hand at her," said Kakuzu.

"Thanks." Hideki took a step towards Fuu, but Kakuzu held out a hand to stop him.

"What?" asked Kakuzu. "Did you think this was free? Payment."

Hideki glared. "With what?"

"That ring. Give it here."

Hideki examined the ring on his finger. "I paid a fortune for this thing."

"I know," said Kakuzu. "We're the ones you bought it from."

"Eh?"

Deidara pulled out a wad of clay and, in front of Hideki, shaped it into a spider. "We can do this the easy way or the bang-you're-dead-and-we-take-the-ring-anyway way. Personally, I prefer the bang-bang way, uhn."

Hideki pulled the ring off his finger and threw it at Deidara. "Take it already!"

Deidara slipped the ring on his finger and laughed. "Well that was fun, uhn."

"Damn bitch," said Kakuzu, kicking Fuu in the ribs. "She lied about the money."

I patted Kakuzu on the shoulder. "I know it's hard to believe, but some people can lie about money."

"Let's get out of this place," muttered Kakuzu. "I can't stand another minute in this money-lying shithole."

With a farewell wave to Hideki, I followed Kakuzu and Deidara out the door.

"You were late getting here," I said. "Fuu was going crazy."

"While you cowered under the table?" asked Kakuzu.

"Hey, I threw a shoe at her head to get there." I shrugged. "Who do you think I am? Dessie? I don't go chasing after fights and trying to lob of people's heads in the name of Jashin or Warg or whatever hell god she's worshipping now."

"I think it's still Jashin," said Kakuzu.

Deidara stopped halfway down the hallway and, with a cry of 'katsu!' he blew up a door to our right. As it turned out, the door led to the outer battlement of the castle. We stepped out into the open air, the orange sunset sky, dying the evening. A few maroon clad Kikensai members were wandering about. They stared at us in horror, unsure what to do.

"Scram," snapped Kakuzu. His tentacles wiggled threateningly and the Kikensai obliged.

"I could have just blown them up, uhn," said Deidara.

"Why bother?" asked Kakuzu. "They're not paying you for it."

Deidara pulled a piece of clay out of his side pouch and, after moment, transformed it into a miniature bird. A second later and – in a puff of smoke – the bird became gigantic. Deidara hopped onto its back. He extended a hand towards me and hoisted me up too. Kakuzu had to jump on all by himself.

"Let's ride that sunset," I said.

"Out for all that I can get, if you know what I mean, uhn," said Deidara with a maniacal laugh.

"Where did you here that?" I asked, inwardly groaning.

"Dessie taught me," said Deidara. "TNT – I'm dynamite – TNT – and I'll win the fight – TNT – I'm a power load – TNT – watch me explode!"

I sighed. "I'm going to kill Dessie."

As Deidara attempted to sing the first verse, Kakuzu covered his ears and asked, "Can I help?"

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><p><strong>AN: And the moral of the story is DON'T DO GOOD DEEDS. They have a habit of turning around a biting you in the ass. I need giant posters that say: Fallen Angels Still Have Wings - Corrupting Fanfiction Readers And Twisting Their Sense Of Morals Since Summer 2011. hahaha that wasn't very good. Anyone got better?**

**TNT by AC/DC, best Deidara song ever. **

**Review! We all know the good old review plea: this time review of Fuu will hide in your bedrooms, wait until you're asleep, and then stab you in the throats. Yay! So review.**


	46. Bodyguards Worth Every Cent

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Dessie, Itachi, Sasori, Konan, and Hidan find a sectional leader of the Okensai - who turns out to be C-Deidara. Seduced by Konan and Dessie, C-Deidara agrees to hire the Akatsuki on as bodyguards in his journey south.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Six: Bodyguards Worth Every Cent<strong>

**Dessie**

C-Deidara of the Okensai, Second Commander of Southeast Forces and Lord of Makkaido tried to grope me for the hundredth time.

I kicked him in the balls.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I asked as he rolled about on the ground, howling in pain. "This chest of divinity was not made for you."

"So you say…" muttered C-Deidara. He got to his feet – albeit still staggering – and plopped himself down in the back of his cart.

We'd been travelling for a week, with Konan, Itachi, Sasori, Hidan, and I hired as C-Deidara's bodyguards. The road south, to the home of the Okensai, was long a weary, but so far no one had died, though if C-Deidara continued to try and molest Konan and I things might change real quick.

"How did we pick up the pervert?" asked Sasori. He sat in the back of the cart among C-Deidara's belonging. I think someone had suggested the idea of him walking and Sasori had glared the guy to death. So, while C-Deidara's minions drove the cart and the rest of us walked beside the vehicle, Sasori and C-Deidara shared a ride in the back.

"Satisfying my perverted desires is healthy," said C-Deidara. "A happy man is a healthy man."

"Until he gets too fat and dies of a heart attack," said Konan."

"Right," said C-Deidara. "Until then. But I'm not interested in eating until I get fat – just having sex."

"Did you know its possible to die from having sex too many times," I said.

"I've heard," said C-Deidara. "Want to try it?"

Hidan fingers the handle of his scythe.

"Nope. I'm immortal so I'd just have repeated rounds of sex until I grew bored – which, with you, would be pretty quick."

C-Deidara grinned. "So you're a hard woman to satisfy."

"That's right," said Hidan. "She is."

"The only one who can satisfy her is Hidan," said Konan helpfully. "They're immortal lovers."

"We're not lovers," I said irritably. "Can you imagine spending eternity with that thing?" I pointed in Hidan's general direction.

"Don't I get a say in this!" snapped Hidan. "As if _I_ would want to spend eternity with _you_. Bitch."

"Zombie Whore."

"Ugly."

"Fat!"

'Flat-chested!"

"Heathen!"

By the end of our kindergarten level insults, the two of us were on top of each other, trying to strangle the other. Of course after about ten minutes had passed and neither of us had died, we realized that immortality made that impossible, so we gave up on murder and made peace.

"I'm hungry," I declared.

"You're always hungry," said Sasori.

"Is she always like this?" asked C-Deidara.

"Like what?"

"Beats a guy up and then say she's hungry like nothing ever happened."

Hidan laughed. "No. Normally she's much, much worse. Generally involving severing people's limbs in the name of Jashin."

"Yes," I said. "Because you don't do that too."

Hidan grinned. "But that's what makes you such a bitch."

"Bitch, to them, is a term of endearment," said Konan, watching us dreamily. "Look at them. They're so in love!"

C-Deidara shook his head and laughed. "You people are all crazy!"

"You should know," said Sasori. "You're one of them."

"Huh?"

"Nothing," said Itachi. "We just know someone who looks strikingly similar to you."

I snickered. "Strikingly."

"Now that sounds interesting," said C-Deidara, wriggling closer to Konan. "Maybe I should meet him one day." C-Deidara stretched and then let one of his arms fall onto Konan's shoulders.

"Not if you want to remain in one piece," I said.

"It'd be amusing if he met Leader," said Sasori.

We all stared at C-Deidara, who was currently trying to grope poor Konan.

I doubled over laughing. "Oh my Jashin… Can that please happen? Someone call Leader and tell him to get his ass over here."

Itachi shook his head at me, and – if I didn't know any better – I would have sworn he smiled. But I know better. Itachi would never smile – that's what makes him so damn hot.

I grinned at Itachi.

"Hn?"

"You're still the Original Hottie," I said, cheerfully.

Konan punched C-Deidara in the face, stepped out of his grasp and cried, "Dessie! You can't say something like that when Hidan's around!"

"Why not," muttered Hidan. "The bitch stalks Hotties 24/7 – she doesn't care if I'm here or not."

"I can appreciate Hotties and not fall in love with them," I snapped. "It is my right to appreciate and absorb the beauty and raw sexiness that Jashin saw fit to place on Earth. I will kiss them as I see fit – what else are Hotties made for? I will stalk them as I see fit – I need to take in their full perfection. I will do whatever I damn want with them – _but that does not mean I love them_." I sighed and shook my head. "Damn, Konan, I expected you to know the difference between fangirlism and love."

Konan blinked. "Um…"

"Itachi is the Original Hottie, of course," I added thoughtfully. "My adoration for him goes beyond love. He's more like my personal obsession." I thought about it for a second and then turned to Itachi. "Hottie, if you ever get a girlfriend, I will personally make sure she suffers the thousand pains of hell and comes out looking like a mutilated worm with eyes, ears, nose, mouth, or any distinctive features."

C-Deidara looked a little green.

"Hn."

"I think he means he won't get a girlfriend," said Sasori.

"Oh wow," I said. "You speak hn-language?"

"Hn-language?"

"The language spoken by all Uchihas because they're incapable of regular human speech," said Konan. "Kisame is fluent in it, while the rest of us can only pick up a few phrases here and there."

"We can sign you up for classes if you'd like," I added.

"Er, no."

C-Deidara rested his chin on his hand and stared at Sasori curiously. From the other side of the cart, Sasori shot C-Deidara bemused glance.

"What?" asked Sasori stiffly.

"You know, sweetie," said C-Deidara. "You're kind of cute."

Sasori stared at C-Deidara for exactly two seconds and then jumped off the back of the cart.

"I'm male," said Sasori, before he hurried to stand by Itachi. He shuddered and said, "At least the real Deidara isn't like that."

"I know," I said cheerfully. "The only gender Deidara confuses is his own."

Sasori nodded. "He does look rather feminine."

We both glanced back at C-Deidara, who was now trying to persuade Konan to spend the night in his tent. I turned back to Sasori and Itachi and announced, "I never thought I'd say this, but I prefer our feminine Deidara to this, um, manlier Deidara."

"I know," said Sasori. "Even if he screams 'art is a bang' every few seconds…"

"And says 'uhn' after every sentence," added Itachi (because Itachi has every right to criticize on speech impediments).

"How about we just kill C-Deidara?" asked Sasori.

"Aren't we being paid to protect him?" I said.

Sasori shrugged. "We killed C-Itachi and C-Hidan. Why don't we just kill off all the C-Akatsuki and be done with it."

"But what if we don't meet C-Zetsu or C-Tobi," I said. "Then we wouldn't be thorough – it'd be a real disappointment and because of our lack of commitment to the task at hand Leader would fry all our asses and serve them to us for breakfast."

"I wish I could say that was just your imagination," said Itachi wearily.

I clutched my gorgeous ass and checked to make sure it was still there. "Leader can't serve this gift from the gods for breakfast," I said. "It's too perfect for such mediocre mouths of the Akatsuki – except for you, Hottie – you can eat my ass whenever you'd like."

"That was an odd point to walk into the conversation," said Konan (who had managed to escape C-Deidara with the help of Hidan. Hidan was now trying to rip C-Deidara's head off).

"I should probably stop him," I said thoughtfully. "It wouldn't be good not to be paid."

With a farewell wave to the others, I hopped into the back of the cart and grabbed Hidan by the scruff of his collar. Before he could lick up some of C-Deidara's blood, I threw him to the other side of the cart.

I paused. "Hey, Hidan."

"Yeah," said Hidan, groaning and rubbing his back.

"If you drink some of C-Deidara's blood – will it affect our Deidara?"

Hidan stopped and thought about it. "I don't know… Do you want to find out?"

I grinned and grabbed C-Deidara by the elbow, hoisting him up. He looked rather panicked as I dragged him over to Hidan and Hidan leant over to lap up some of C-Deidara's blood.

"Here," I said, excitedly handing Hidan my spike. "Oh I hope this works."

"It'll be fun," said Hidan, nodding enthusiastically. "We can torture Deidara from miles and miles away!"

"Maybe we can hear him scream from here."

"We could make C-Deidara our pet and every time Deidara misbehaves we can taste some of C-Deidara and torture Deidara." Hidan drew Jashin's symbol on the floor of the cart with his foot.

"So much blood." I giggled. "He'll hate us."

Hidan stabbed himself in the left arm.

C-Deidara howled and fell over, clutching his sleeve as blood pooled out. "You crazy shitheads!" he wailed.

"Can you hear Deidara?" I asked.

Hidan cocked his head to the side and listened. "Nope. Nothing."

"Maybe you should try again."

Hidan stabbed his right arm.

More screams of agony from C-Deidara. We still couldn't hear anything from Deidara.

"Maybe if you stabbed a vital organ," I said.

"Dessie! Hidan!"

We turned around to see Konan standing at the edge of the cart, glaring at the two of us.

"Oh hey, Konan," I said. "We were just seeing if Hidan drank C-Deidara's blood would it affect our Deidara."

"That's a great idea," said Konan. "If Deidara was near enough for you to see if there were results."

I blinked. "Well… Maybe if we hit a vital organ Deidara will scream loudly enough."

Konan sighed. "Dessie, I thought you were supposed to stop Hidan from killing C-Deidara – otherwise we wont get paid."

I paused. "Oh right…"

Konan rolled her eyes. "Why do I bother?"

C-Diedara pulled himself into an upright position, gasping and clutching his bleeding arms. He leered at Hidan and I, practically screaming as he said, "You two are crazy! Insane! Batshit insane! How could you kill your employer! Why would you do that! The Boss will have your heads on silver platters – I'll make sure of it!"

I sighed and waved his comments away with my hand. "Relax. It was for the sake of science."

"Science!" cried C-Deidara.

"Yeah. You know… experimenting in the name of Jashin."

"No, I do not know." C-Deidara growled. "You may be hot, but girl – you are a fucking insane bitch."

My eyes narrowed and slowly I got to my feet. "You do not describe me as hot, dear Clone of Deidara." I kicked him in the jaw. "You call me divine! Gorgeous! Breath-taking! Stunning! Perfect! I am beyond the simple description of 'hot'! Shithead!"

C-Deidara was rolling on the floor of the cart in pain again.

"Someone kill her," said C-Deidara, through gasps of pain.

"I'd rather kill you," said Sasori.

"Aw," said Hidan. "I think the pretty bitch doesn't like being called a pretty bitch."

"I'll kill you too," said Sasori, glowering in Hidan's direction.

"I'd like to see you try, shortie," said Hidan.

"Yes, Hidan," said Konan wearily. "Because you're such a _giant_ yourself."

"I'm five foot ten," said Hidan, thrusting his thumb at his chest proudly. "A whole three inches taller than _you_, bitch."

I scowled. Sasori scowled too.

"How tall are you?" I asked.

"Five-five."

I snorted. "I'm five exactly."

Sasori glanced at me pityingly. "I think we should chop off their legs. Then they won't be bragging about their height."

"Agreed."

"Isn't someone going to do something!" wailed C-Deidara from his spot on the floor.

"Are you still there?" asked Itachi, stepping coolly over C-Deidara's body.

"I'll kill you too…" muttered C-Deidara.

"Hn."

I grinned. "That translates as 'Not until after I find your family and every single person you care about, send them to seventy-two hours of hell in their minds, then give them seventy-two hours of hell in this world, and then send them to seventy-two hours of a slow and painful death. Then, I'll hunt you down, rip out your eyes, your tongue, your ears, yours nose, and tear your dick to shreds. After that you're more than welcome to find me – though I doubt you could so anything, shithead.'"

Konan rolled her eyes. "You know, C-Deidara. You may have hired us as bodyguards – but the only people we're protecting you from are ourselves."

Hidan let out a cackle of laughter. "Best damn bodyguards ever."

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><p><strong>AN: I UPDATED! YAY! I did nothing but write today. Now, tomorrow, I have to do all my homework because I'm a lazy bitch. So, I expect a ton of reviews to motivate me to get all my homework done EARLY so I can spend the last few hours of the night writing the next chapter for YOU. Also, for those of you who are confused, C-Deidara is not the leader of all of the Okensai, just a section of it. There is a leader of ALL of the Okensai - we just haven't met him yet. **

**Now, review - or the Akatsuki will come be YOUR bodyguards.**


	47. The Sin That Is Female

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**After an encounter with gypsies and the Plant King C-Zetsu, Kate, Leader, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame approach the Temple of Four.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Seven: The Sin That Is Female<strong>

**Kate**

I have never understood the appeal of building a monastery on top of a mountain. I mean, I know the monks are trying to separate themselves from the temptations of society – but does it really have to be on top of a mountain?

We arrived at the Temple of Four after three weeks on the road. Leader had been abominable throughout the whole trip, making us wait on him hand and foot. I had to restrain Kisame several times to stop him from strangling Leader on the spot (not that my restraints were actually successful and not that Leader would actually be strangled – I was more afraid for Kisame's sake than Leader's).

However, the servitude to Leader ended when we reached the top of the mountain. Kisame, who had been forced to piggyback Leader up the mountain, dropped Leader on the spot and ran up the dirt pathway, jumping and shouting for joy.

The temple was about the tree line of the mountain, where the air was thin and the ground rocky. The structures themselves – huge cubic buildings (made of the belief that Four favored squares to triangles and domes) – were magnificent, protruding from the mountain top like massive white glaciers. It was summer, so the snows had not fallen yet, but the air still had bitter bite to it.

Upon arrival, we were greeted by an old monk in brown robs decorated with the black outlines of squares (apparently Four's symbol). The monk raised his hands. He formed a right angle by raising his thumbs and pointer-fingers. Then he connected the two L-shapes together, creating a square.

"Um…" said Leader. "What's that?"

"It is the Love Square," said the monk. "Spreading the great god Four's message of love."

Kisame snorted. "I never would have thought Four was such a nice guy."

"Squisher is the image of love and compassion," I said, giggling.

Either the monk didn't hear us or pretended not to hear us, because he continued on. "We were forewarned of your arrive by the great god. Please, some this way."

The monk led us not into the temple, but on a side road hidden by crevices in the rocks. The road took us around the mountain to the back side of the temple, where we climbed a long flight of stairs and entered a large, square building. Up another flight of stairs. Down another corridor. We saw not a single soul besides the old monk.

"Maybe there's no one here," muttered Kisame.

"I wonder what happened to everyone else then…" I whispered.

Zetsu smiled. "Maybe he killed them all. Did he save the bodies? Can we eat them?"

Kisame shuddered. "As long as I'm not part of that 'we' – I don't care." He paused. "Kate either. Kate, you're not allowed to eat any dead human bodies."

"Don't worry," I said. "I have no intention of joining the cannibalism parade."

"It's a parade now?" asked Zetsu. "We don't make a very big parade."

"I want to join the parade!" cried Tobi, practically jumping up and down with excitement. "Parade! Parade! Parades are fun!"

"Not this parade," muttered Kisame.

"Parade! Parade! Parade! Parade!"

"Shut up!" roared Leader.

The old monk glanced back at us, wondering what we had been chattering about. Kisame fixed him with a toothy smile and – afraid of the shark – the old man quickly looked away. A minute or so later, we reached a bronze door. The old man knocked on it once and then pushed it open. He stepped back and allowed us inside, one by one.

Inside was a simple square office with a square desk at the far end with square curtains covering a square window. Sitting at the square desk was a short, square man with big eyes and a square nose. Basically, it was a square.

"Hello," said the square man. "I'm Hiroba, the head monk in the Temple of Four. We heard you were coming."

"Who told you?" asked Leader.

"We looked into the fountain of Squisher and he revealed you to us."

"Squisher…" muttered Kisame. "That blue asshole?"

Hiroba glanced at Kisame, one eyebrow raised questioningly. Apparently he decided not to answer, and instead continued talking, "So why have you come here?"

"We're from a different world," said Leader bluntly.

Hiroba blinked, already the disbelief forming on his face and the words "get out you crazy fool" forming on his tongue. He didn't say it however, as Leader plowed on with his explanation.

"We had encounters with glowing blue orbs before, which caused us a lot of trouble and Deidara – one of our members – decided the best option was to blow up the orbs. Which, apparently, Four thought was impossible. So Four invited Deidara and some other members to visit him on his mountain. Except these two idiots–" Leader pointed in Tobi and my direction. "– decided to touch the glowing orange orb. And we came here."

"I didn't _decide_ to touch it," I said. "I fell."

"On purpose or not," said Leader. "It results in the same thing."

"So the great god Four brought you here," said Hiroba, drumming his fingers on the desk top. "And you've met Squisher."

Leader nodded grimly.

"Well, we're more than happy to have anyone the great god Four brought to Seanova stay with us. However…" Hiroba hesitated. "There is a slight problem…"

"Does that slight problem have anything to do with the reason why we were brought around through the hidden path?" asked Zetsu.

Hiroba stopped drumming his fingers. He scanned the room, looking at each Akatsuki member in turn, his eyes finally coming to rest on me. "There are no girls in the Temple of Four."

…

"How do you _survive_?" asked Kisame incredulously.

"It can't be all bad…" said Zetsu.

"Hannah couldn't stay here," said Kisame.

"Oh." Zetsu frowned. "We would hate it here."

"Tobi doesn't like the Temple! Tobi's nunus are female!"

Leader sighed and rubbed his temples wearily. "I think you all are missing the main problem here."

"What's that?" asked Zetsu.

"Kate's a girl."

All eyes turned to me. Kisame smiled knowingly, while Zetsu frowned as if he had discovered something disgusting in his food… like his latest human prey had just eaten a salad for lunch.

"We cannot allow girls to stay in the temple," said Hiroba firmly. "The men can stay, but the girl must leave. Women are too tempting to remain in the presence of our monks."

"They're not very well trained monks," I muttered.

"And where's Kate supposed to stay?" asked Kisame.

"There's a village at the bottom of the mountain – it's about a day's walk away."

"Yes," said Leader wearily. "Because that's so helpful."

"Well, she can't stay here."

The room was inundated with silence for a moment. I shifted uncomfortably, knowing that all eyes were on me and they worked to solve this predicament.

"Tobi wonders why we don't just dress Kate up as a guy."

I blinked, paling at the idea of me strutting around in guys' clothing. I glanced at the others, expecting them to laugh aloud. Leader looked ponderous, while Zetsu looked slightly less repulsed at the salad. I turned to Kisame as a last resort, hoping he would vehemently reject the idea of me in guys' clothes. But Kisame was nodding and eyeing me appreciatively.

"Kinky," he said, nodding.

"Kisame!" I wailed. "I don't want to be a guy!"

"And I don't want you to be a guy either," he said. "I just want you to dress like one."

"But…"

"We can't stay here unless you dress like a guy," said Leader firmly. "Kate. From now on, you're a guy."

"Hold on!" cried Hiroba. "I haven't agreed to this yet!"

"Why not?" asked Leader.

"It seems like a reasonable idea to us," said Zetsu, eyeing Hiroba hungrily.

"A woman has not set foot in this temple for over a hundred years – I'm breaking enough rules simply allowing you in my quarters. Imagine the sins I would commit if I let her stay the night!"

"She's the Lady Chosen."

Hiroba paused and turned to stare at Kisame. "What?"

"The Lady Chosen who will stop the Demon of Blood from destroying Seanova," said Kisame. "That's her."

"Kisame…" I whispered. "There's no way anyone would believe that."

"But it's true."

"That still doesn't mean they have to believe it."

Leader nodded. "I certainly don't."

"Thanks."

"The… the… the Lady Chosen?" stammered Hiroba. "Are you really?"

I shrugged. "I guess so."

"You can stay! You can stay! If you dress up as a boy, you can stay! I had no idea how involved in Four's great master plan you were!"

"Right…" I hesitated. "But, I don't have any boys' clothes…"

"Oh! Oh! Tobi has clothes that might fit Kate!"

He produced a black shirt and black pants (Tobi's favorite dress-style besides the Akatsuki cloak). I slipped into an empty room and changed in clothes two sizes too big. When I returned, they all scrutinized me thoroughly.

"At least your hair is short," said Kisame.

"You can thank Hotaru for that," I muttered.

"You'll pass," said Horabi.

"Wait!" I cried. "you're saying with just pants and a shirt, I look like a guy!"

"Well," said Kisame. "The clothes do sort of drown your figure."

"What figure?" asked Zetsu.

I debated asking Kisame to hack of Zetsu's head for me, but I decided to be the better person. Instead, I sigh and said, "Fine. I'm a guy. Named… Kay…"

"Kay," snorted Kisame. "How unoriginal."

"And what should we name me?"

"Felix."

"Felix?" I repeated. "Why Felix?"

"I've always liked that name. It's a good name. Dessie had me read Frankenstein. Felix and his gorgeous Arabian wife." Kisame smiled approvingly.

I groaned. "Trust Dessie to get you to read Frankenstein. Did she tell you that you'd find the monster uniquely relatable?"

Kisame blinked. "How'd you know?"

"Because it's Dessie," snapped Leader, cutting across any more conversation. He turned back to Hiroba. "Where will we be staying?"

"In the living quarters with the monks."

"Good thing Hidan isn't here," muttered Kisame. "Or they'd all be dead in the morning."

I giggled. "He and Dessie both."

"They'd probably run down the halls at midnight covered in blood and murdering all the heathens."

"Or what about Kakuzu," I said. "He'd rob them poor in the middle of the night."

Kisame gasped dramatically. "Jashin-Warg-Zetsu-Four-God! How could he rob a temple!"

"Or Deidara," I continued. "Boom! Boom! Boom! What temple?"

"Or Hannah," said Kisame. "She'd happily dress as a guy and then con them for everything they're worth."

"Or Konan," I said. "Who would walk in with all her womanly pride and murder anyone who tried to touch her with paper."

"Or Itachi," said Kisame. "Who would scare them all shitless as soon as he looked at them."

"Or Sasori," I added. "Who would kill them all with his poison puppets."

"When you think about it," said Kisame. "We're probably the best group to come here – we won't kill the monks… immediately."

"I don't know," I said, lowering my voice. "Zetsu might have a late night snack."

"Yummy, yummy."

We both collapsed in a fit of giggled and – from his conversation with Hiroba – Leader shot us both murderous glares. Kisame grinned and waved back.

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry it took me a week to review. This week has been disastrous for my love life and the crunch time if coming up for my school literary and art magazine (which I am editor-in-chief of). So, yeah, I've been busy. But since it's Friday - THIS IS FOR YOU! **

**Read. Review. Or feel the wrath of Four!**


	48. Drunks Make For Easy Prey

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**After discovering Fuu was actually a thief, Hannah, Kakuzu, and Deidara defeated her and stole the Ring of Four. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Eight: Drunks Make For Easy Prey<strong>

**Hannah**

I traced my fingers around the rim of the sake bottle and sighed. "Well, that could have gone better."

"What are you talking about?" asked Deidara. "We got the ring, didn't we? Uhn."

"Yeah. But I was almost killed by Fuu on the way."

"That's because of your own inadequacies," said Kakuzu.

I sighed. "I want my frying pan back."

"Uhn?" Deidara stopped chugging down his sake. "You don't have it any more?"

Kakuzu snorted. "Aren't you observant? She lost it when we arrived in Seanova. She's been using her shoe as a replacement."

"A failure of a replacement," I muttered. "I throw it at the enemies head and then I have the slight problem of having to hop everywhere because I only have one shoe."

"Why don't we just buy you a new one, uhn?"

"Hell no," snapped Kakuzu. "Do you know how much money a good frying pan costs?"

"Um…"

"A lot," I said. "Those things get to be rather pricy. Kakuzu, you sure we couldn't just steal one?"

"Hmm…"

"I'll go! Uhn!" cried Deidara, waving a shakingly drunk hand about.

"Go where?" I asked.

He giggled and slipped underneath the table – careful to take the bottle of sake with him. "You'll see."

He crept about the floor of the bar – dodging for one table to the next – heading closer and closer to the kitchen.

"How much you bet he fails," said Kakuzu.

"I don't even know what he's trying to do."

"I think he wants to steal a frying pan for you from the kitchens."

"Oh." I glanced over as Deidara slid through the door and disappeared from view. "He'll probably end up blowing the place up."

"So I'd win."

"Oh no. He'll blow the place up and then take the frying pan from amidst the rubble."

Kakuzu smirked. "That's probably true…"

"So I'll take you up on that bet." I tossed and large amount of money on the table and waited for Kakuzu's response.

He glowered at me for a moment and then dropped the same amount on the table, adding to the pile.

"You never could back down from a bet," I said cheerfully. "Look, Kakuzu. Look at all the money you'll be parting with."

Kakuzu scowled. "Sadistic woman."

"Only when it benefits me."

Before Kakuzu could reply and flying pan slammed down on the table top. I jumped a little while Kakuzu looked unimpressed. Deidara slid up from beneath the table into the seat next to mine.

A sloppy grin splashed across his face, he said, "Look, Hannah! I got you a frying pan, uhn!"

I smirked and raked up all the cash on the table. "Thanks, Deidara."

Kakuzu glowered. "You know," he said, picking up a bottle of sake and downing half of it in a minute. "Remember that time Hannah was hit in the head and she thought Deidara was her husband and Tobi was her son." He paused for snother drink. "Excuse me – she was married to Dei-Dei."

"Urg." I buried my face in my hands. "Don't remind me."

"Hannah was very scary then, uhn," said Deidara. He called for more drinks.

"It was your fault," I snapped. "You're the one who decided to blow up my parents house and I got whacked over the head with a piece of debris."

"I fixed it, uhn."

"By hitting me over the head with another piece of debris."

Deidara grinned and, using his left hand, scooted the stolen frying pan a little closer to me. "Forgive, uhn?"

I picked up the frying pan and gripped it tightly. It felt comfortable and easy. "It' a nice frying pan. Probably cost a lot of money."

"Don't worry," said Deidara. "I stole it."

Kakuzu nodded approvingly and gulped down the rest of his drink.

"Only in the Akatsuki," I said. "Is stealing more legal that buying."

"I'll chop off all your limbs if you buy anything that expensive," muttered Kakuzu.

"Tut-tut," said Deidara. "Your threats are nothing compared to the Oh-Great-And-Mighty-Leader-Sama's."

"No one's threats compare to the Oh-Great-And-Mighty-Leader-Sama's," I said.

"Yours could give his a run for his money," said Kakuzu.

I smiled. "I just blackmail. Leader's violent."

"Blackmail," said Deidara, opening another bottle. "It's as black as your heart, uhn."

"Damn," said Kakuzu. "That's some black blackmail."

"Please." I waved away their black words. "It's all amateur work. Kakuzu, you should know better."

"He's too drunk to know better, uhn," said Deidara.

Kakuzu had stopped paying attention to the conversation. He had pulled the Ring of Four out of the bag and began examining it carefully. He ran his fingers over the solid gold circlet and traced the gem with the carving of the 4.

"Do you have any idea how much this is worth?" said Kakuzu.

"We're not selling it, uhn," said Deidara. "I want to go back to the Fence."

"The Fence," I said with a sigh. "Who came up with such a stupid nickname?"

"Are you sure we can't sell it?"

"No. And I think that was Dessie, uhn."

"Think of the money…"

"Dessie would come up with such a stupid name. Earth, Seanova, Wargonia, and… the Fence. It just flows so well." I rolled my eyes.

"All that cash…"

"I like the Fence," said Deidara. "It's, uhn, fencish."

"So profound…"

"I'm just going to sell the damn thing. You can steal it back."

Kakuzu got to his feet, but before he could make two steps, Deidara grabbed him by the wrist and I raised my new frying pan of horrors above my head.

"You're not going anywhere with that ring," I snapped. "Now, _sit down_."

Kakuzu glared, but he sat down. Deidara pried the ring from Kakuzu's fingers and handed the ring to me. Kakuzu continued his glower of death as he drowned his money-sorrows in a bottle of sake. Deidara decided it'd be fun to join and, within a matter of minutes, they were both completely wasted.

"Hannah... Hahy... Hann…ah…" Deidara giggled. "You're name's so fun…ny. Han…ah. Hannnnn… Ahssss….. Han Ass. Hand Ass. Uhn!"

I sighed and rested my head on my fist, waiting for one of them – or both – to pass out.

Deidara decided it'd be fun to "snuggle" and I found myself trapped between Kakuzu and Deidara, both of whom were trying to hug the life out of me.

"Kakuzu," I groaned. "I like you better sober."

"But I am…" Kakuzu hiccupped. "Don't be… a… stick…"

"In the mud… uhn," added Deidara, reaching for another bottle.

"I think you've had more than enough," I said, pulling the bottle away from Deidara.

"No. No. No. Never enough."

"She's a stick," said Kakuzu firmly.

"She's not a stick," said Deidara, abruptly letting go of the bottle (I almost fell out of my seat). "She's just looking after me."

"No she's not," said Kakuzu. "She just doesn't want t deal with two passed out drunks."

"She doesn't want me to die of alcohol poisoning, uhn," said Deidara. "Because she loves me."

Kakuzu laughed.

I sighed and pressed the palm of my hand to my forehead. "Whatever."

"Don't be so indiff… indiv… indiffer… in… diff…er…ent." Deidara grinned proudly. "Don't be so indiffer."

"I think you mean indifferent," I muttered.

Kakuzu was still laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny, uhn?"

"The idea of Hannah acting out of love," said Kakuzu. "Diabolical women aren't capable of love."

"You're a poor drunkard," I said. "And besides, how would you know the romantic tendencies to diabolical women? Are we speaking out of past experiences?"

"Konan," said Kakuzu. "Why do you think Leader's always stressed? She obviously doesn't put out enough."

"And Dessie," said Deidara. "She's too evil to admit she loves Hidan."

"That's stupid," I said. "By your definition Kate's a diabolical woman because she doesn't do enough kinky stuff with Kisame."

Kakuzu and Deidara collapsed into fits of drunken laughter (remind me never to go to a bar with just to two of them again).

"Kate's evil!" cried Deidara.

"I knew there was a reason she survived us so long."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in the chair, arms crossed and surveying the two carefully. Alcohol did funny things to the Akatsuki, I can tell you that. The weirdest things come up in our conversation – for example, Kate being evil. In what world or dimension is this possible? (Please tell me, I would like to know).

"Maybe there's a C-Kate somewhere," I said thoughtfully. "Who's a criminal mastermind."

Deidara snickered.

"And good, kind C-Hannah fights hard to save her people from the clutches of the villainous C-Kate," said Kakuzu between gulps of sake.

"Urg." I scrunched up my face in repulsion. "I see why Itachi had to kill C-Itachi."

"Yay! For crazy murders! Uhn!" Deidara raised his bottle of sake in the air and clinked it again Kakuzu's.

"You're both idiots," I announced, shaking my head.

"Aw, Hannah," cried Deidara, leaning frightfully closer to me. "Don't be like that, uhn."

I raised one eyebrow. "Like what?"

"A bitch," said Kakuzu helpfully.

I sighed. "Remind me why I talk to you two."

"Because of our charisma," said Kakuzu with a hiccup.

"Ignore him," said Deidara, his face only a few inches from mine. "He's just a drunken asshole, uhn."

"Well, that's true."

"You know… Hannnnnnah…" Deidara smiled. "You're really pretty."

I sighed and turned to Kakuzu. "Can you get this idiot away from me?"

Kakuzu was occupied with chugging down yet another bottle of sake. He finished and slammed the bottle on the table, saying, "You know the good thing about having five hearts? You can drink as much as you like and not worrying about dying."

Deidara was sneaking closer, trying to figure out a way to hug me or something. I pushed him away with my right hand and scooted my chair as far away from him as I could get. Eagerly, Deidara scooted closer.

"I like a girl who plays hard to get, uhn."

"It's not hard to get," I snapped. "It's not getting."

"Don't be like that, baby, uhn." Deidara reached for me, the mouths on his hands liking their lips excitedly.

I yelped and snatched my frying pan from the table, swinging it around towards Deidara's head. He caught it – mid blow – and wrenched it out of my hands.

"Now, now, uhn. Don't be so mean."

"You're drunk," I muttered. "You're not supposed to fight seriously when you're drunk."

Deidara cackled. "That's the only time I fight seriously, uhn."

"Kakuzu!" I cried.

Deidara leaned over and kissed me.

Mind you, it was a drunken kiss. Very sloppy. It lasted about three seconds. Then I kicked Deidara in the ribs and he fell off his seat.

Laughing between winces, Deidara rolled onto his back and grinned at me. "I love you, Hannnnnah."

…

"Well that was interesting," said Kakuzu. "I should have filmed it and sold the tape. Who knows how much Kisame would have paid for it."

[Hannah is currently in a state of shock and cannot respond. Please leave a message and she'll get back to you as soon as she has registered what just happened.]

"Was it really that big a deal?" asked Kakuzu. "It's not like we didn't all know it anyway. Though your bitch is rebelling against the natural cycle of things." He sipped another bottle of sake. "How many of these things do you reckon I've gone through?"

[Hannah is currently in a state of shock and cannot respond. Please leave a message and she'll get back to you as soon as she has registered what just happened.]

"Aren't you boring."

Kakuzu finished the bottle of sake and the lay his head down on the table and went to a deep, drunken sleep.

He hadn't closed his eyes for a minute when the doors to the bar flew open and seven men dressed in red and blacked stormed inside. They started yelling at the barmaids and the customers. People screamed and raced towards the exit. The soldiers grabbed the people by the cuffs of the collars and threw the people across the room. Nobody leaves.

Eventually, the men's eyes came to rest on the Akatsuki's table.

"That's them."

The Kikensai soldiers rampaged across the room and surrounded the Akatsuki. Not that we were difficult prey. Kakuzu was fast asleep. Deidara was unconscious on the floor. And I was in a state of shock.

One of the soldiers laughed and waved a hand in front of my face.

I blinked.

[Hannah is currently in a state of shock and cannot respond. Please leave a message and she'll get back to you as soon as she has registered what just happened.]

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><p><strong>AN: Urg. Don't get me started on my rant. It's 4:45 in the morning. I slept in to 3:30 today and I sat down and wrote this for you. You should thank me. Now I have to go do French homework and study for a Chemistry test. Urg... Can I just fail Chem? hahaha Anyways, on a topic that's actually related to the story, Deidara/Hannah development actually happened! What? Fallen Angel actually wrote something remotely romantic? Yes! It's a miracle! I know! It's a sign of the Apocalypse! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! **

**Anyways - YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND IN YOUR SIDE OF THE BET! WHAT IS WITH THIS FALLING NUMBER OF REVIEWS! DISAPPOINTMENT! YOU HAD BETTER REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR THE KIKENSAI IS COMING FOR YOU! And we all know they won't be nearly as nice as the Ikustaka. **


	49. The Cult of Dessie

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Dessie, Hidan, Sasori, Itachi, and Konan met up with C-Deidara and have arrived in Amani, the home city of the Okensai.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Forty-Nine: The Cult of Dessie<strong>

**Dessie**

I kicked a rock and it skirted along the wooden dock and landed with a heavy plunk in the ocean. The city of Amani was a portside town and the home of the Okensai, a powerful yakuza gang that controlled the southern part of Seanova. (Just to give you a quick summary). Half the city smelt like salt and fish and other seafood equally repulsive. Thankfully, the wealthier part of town lived as far away from the port as possible, so we were saved – for the most part – from drowning in the wretched smell of fish.

Today, however, C-Deidara had some work for the Okensai in the docks and he demanded his bodyguards to be present. Itachi and Konan decided to take a day off (AKA Skip the smelly fish port) while Sasori, Hidan, and I accompanied C-Deidara. Now we stood awkwardly at the edge of a dock, watching C-Deidara make underhanded deals with ship captains.

"When are we going to meet the real leader of the Okensai?" I asked wearily.

Despite living in Amani for a week, C-Deidara had yet to introduce us to his boss – the leader of all the Okensai, not just a section leader like C-Deidara. Every time one of us brought up the topic, C-Deidara would skillfully dance around the answer and say he had more work to do. Annoying shithead.

"Soon," said Sasori. "Or C-Deidara may find a scorpion in his bed. One with deadly poison that makes you regurgitate your insides."

"That sounds lovely," I said cheerfully. "Maybe we should try it some time. Hey, Hidan! You feel like puking out your guts?"

Hidan glanced up from where he was crouching on the edge of the dock, prodding a dead fish with a stick. "What?"

"Sasori knows a poison that makes people puke their insides out," I said. "Want to try it?"

"Can I taste Sasori's blood and then try it?"

Sasori scowled.

"Why don't you taste C-Deidara's blood," I said. "That should be interesting."

"Do you two enjoy torturing C-Deidara in Deidara's place?" asked Sasori.

"Yes. Only Deidara could withstand torture better. It's not as fun if the victim gives in too easily."

C-Deidara apparently had finished talking to the ship's captain. He strolled back along the dock and – when he caught sight of me – he cried out in delight.

"Dessie! How are you today?"

"You would think," said Sasori. "That after Hidan and Dessie tortured him time and time again, he would stop trying to flirt with her."

"Are you kidding?" asked C-Deidara. "It's about the breasts – not the personality."

"I told you," I said. "Looks are everything."

"I thought personality was supposed to be everything."

Hidan laughed. "If personality is everything then this bitch is a piece of shit on the bottom of C-Deidara's shoe."

"Why does it have to be my shoe?"

"Because your shoe is more insulting than mine."

C-Deidara's eyes narrowed. But instead of throwing a punch, he walked over to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "How you doing, baby? I know this nice place where they don't mind if we take a little roll in the grass…"

I punched him in the stomach. "Asshole. You can't afford me."

Hidan snickered smugly. So, just for good measure, I kicked him between the legs.

"I'm going for a walk," I announced. "Don't follow me or you'll end up like him." I pointed to Hidan who was rolling around on the ground howling in pain and clutching his privates.

Sasori smirked while C-Deidara gulped and said, "Sure…"

"Good boy." I turned around and stalked over, eager to get away from C-Deidara. Every moment I spent with that shithead was another moment I missed the real Deidara. It was kind of disappointing not to hear "uhn" every few seconds and listen to him shout death threats at anyone and everyone. There are some qualities in people you just can't replace, you know?

The ports of Amani seemed to expand on forever. Ships and boats filling the rocking salt bay water. The molten sun beat down upon me. I yawned and stretched, standing on tiptoes to reach towards the sky.

"You look comfy."

I spun around.

There – standing on the edge of a dock – was the oh so familiar bandaged face of Aram.

"You!" I cried.

"Dessie," said Aram pleasantly. "I missed you, love."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, waving away his comments. "I missed you too. Why are you here?"

"Silly," said Aram. He stepped closer and ruffled my hair fondly. "We're all here."

"All…"

"YOU BITCH! I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE AND LAUGH AS YOU BURN INTO THE INNER PITS OF HELL!"

I sighed. "Really?"

"Sorry," said Aram, shrugging. "When he's not insane with revenge he's really a nice guy."

Hotaru landed on the ground next to Aram, his legs bent, poised like a cat, ready to strike at any moment. Aram waved his hand half heartedly and Hotaru stood upright, glowering at me and Aram.

"Yuriko said she wanted Dessie and the other Hidan alive," said Aram. "We can't do that if you send Dessie to hell."

"Oh, it's fine," I said, waving away Aram's comments. "I'm immortal."

Aram blinked. "So you want me to se Hotaru loose on you… like a wild animal."

"Sure." I shrugged. "It would be interesting."

Hotaru cackled and – before Aram could stop him – launched a column of flame in my direction.

I yawned and didn't bother to move. The flames crackled around me, scalding hot and agonizing. I didn't mind though. Pain was nothing new.

"Is that all you've got?" I asked as the flames subsided. "The air might be a little warmer…"

"Stupid whore!" snapped Hotaru. "I'll kill you!"

"How many times do I have to explain this?" I asked wearily. "I'm fucking immortal. You cannot kill an immortal. Get it through your thick skull, idiot."

Hotaru opened his mouth to reply, but I cut across him.

"Aram, who do you hang out with shitheads like Yuriko and Hotaru?" I sighed. "And here I thought you were _decent_."

"Ah, sorry, Love." Aram scratched the back of his head nervously. "Honestly, I only stayed because of Hidan."

For a moment, I had not idea what he was talking about. But then, my eyes narrowed. "C-Hidan?"

"C?" Aram shrugged. "He blackmailed me into joining them. But you killed him. Now I'm here for… I have no idea why I'm here."

"Dessie!"

I didn't have to turn around to know what shithead was running up behind me from the direction of the dock. Undoubtedly two other people were with him – one an annoying copy of a blond and the other a psychopathic puppeteers.

"Hidan," I said. "What do you want?"

"You're being attacked!" snapped Hidan. "I'm coming to rescue you!"

"Who said I needed rescuing?" I asked.

"Well…" Hidan paused. "Aren't you being attacked by the Ikustaka?"

"I wouldn't really call it attacking. Aram is my lover and Hotaru just throws fire at me – I _am_ immortal, you know."

Hidan's face turned a vivid shade of red and he cried, "_Your lover_!"

Sasori sighed. "That's all you heard, wasn't it?"

"How can she have a lover in the Ikustaka?" cried Hidan. "They're our enemies! They've evil! We're supposed to kill them! Jashin damn them!"

I shook my head in Aram's direction and sighed dramatically. "He's just so sensitive."

Aram stared at Hidan. "You know, the resemblance is really frightening. Between your Hidan and our Hidan."

"My Hidan's better," I said bluntly. "And hotter."

"They're identical!" cried Hotaru. "How can one better hotter than the other!"

"Hotness is not just about looks," I said, waving away Hotaru's comment. "It's about personality. You're Hidan had such a dry and dull personality – he was a shell of my Hidan."

"And I suppose your Hidan had just a stellar personality," said Aram.

"Shut up!" shouted Hidan. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here! Or I'll rip your hearts out and feed them to Jashin-sama!"

"Ah. I see."

"See what? Asshole!" Hidan grabbed Aram by the collar. "Don't fuck with me!"

"Hidan! Put my lover down!" I punched Hidan in the stomach. He doubled over and dropped Aram, who landed on the ground with a heavy crash. Hidan straightened up and glowered at me.

"What the hell is your problem?"

I gritted my teeth and raised my fist to eye level. "What is _my_ problem? What about you? Jashin will kill you! And you! And you! That's all you ever talk about! Quit beating up other people's lovers!"

"He's not your lover!" screamed Hidan. "Jashin forbids you from loving anyone who isn't Jashinist!"

"So basically that means I can only love you because you're the only Jashinist I know!"

"I can't help that, bitch! You should get out more!"

"Fuck you, shithead!"

"You know," said Aram, getting to his feet and brushing some dirt off his robes. "This is kind of fun."

Hidan and I paused in our screaming to stare at Aram incredulously.

"What are you talking about?" asked Sasori. "It's all one giant headache."

"And they're kind of scary," said C-Deidara. "Thankfully, Dessie's hot enough for me to overlook the psychopathic part."

"It's true," I added, nodding enthusiastically. "I am extremely hot."

"I already know that, Love," said Aram. He paused and, after a moment, he turned to Hotaru and announced, "Sorry, but I've decided to join the cult of Dessie."

Hotaru went from white to red in a matter of seconds. He stared at Aram blankly and then – as the rage built up – he let out a terrible cry of: "YOU TRAITOROUS ASSHOLE – I WILL SEND YOU TO HELL AND BACK – LET THE FIRES CONSUME YOU – THEY WILL DEVOUR YOUR FLESH – YOU WILL KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF PAIN – JUST WAIT UNTIL YURIKO FINDS OUT – SHE WILL TORTURE YOU UNTIL YOU CANNOT EVEN SCREAM THE NAME OF YOUR BELOVED DESSIE!"

I yawned.

"You're threats are nothing," said Hidan, scratching his head wearily.

"Leader and Hannah are much scarier," said Sasori.

Hidan shivered. "Fucking nightmares."

"SHUT UP! I'LL BURN YOU TOO! I'LL BURN YOU AND LISTEN TO YOUR SCREAMS AS THE SUN RISES!" He flipped us off and then darted down a side alley and disappearing from sight.

We stared after him in mild surprise, none of us quite sure what to say after that good old death-threat-and-flight routine.

"So Dessie has a cult now," said Sasori.

I sighed dramatically. "Well, I can't help it that men find me irresistible."

"I'm not part of any cult!" snapped Hidan.

"What about Jashin's cult?" I asked.

"Well, yes. But no other cult besides Jashin's!"

"He's not just part of the Dessie cult," said Sasori. "He's the president."

"Oh!" cried Aram, raising his hand in the air. "Can I be Treasurer?"

"You'll have to ask the president."

"No!" screamed Hidan. "You're not part of Dessie's cult! You're one of the Ikustaka!"

"I just quit," said Aram. "So my time, my heart, my being – they all belong to you, Dessie." He knelt on the ground before me and took my hand in his. "Do what you may with me, my beloved idol."

I grinned. "I could get used to this."

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><p><strong>AN: Dessie really does have a cult following. It could be a religion of its own. Dessiism. hahahaha Weird name. Anyways, thanks for all your review for the last chapter - please review this chapter with the same, um, vigor? That's a horrible word. Enthusiasm! Let's go with enthusiasm. Please review this chapter with the same enthusiasm.**

**Or the Cult of Dessie will come and find you when you least expect it.**


	50. Blue Things

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Leader, Zetsu, Kisame, Madara, and Kate have arrived at the Temple of Four, only to discover that women are not allowed in. Kate has to dress as a boy named Felix to stay there.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty: Blue Things<strong>

**Kate**

I do not like being a boy. Remind me next time I'm on Earth to thank my mother for birthing me a girl. The monks managed to find me better clothes than the ones Tobi had given me, and now I wore kaki shorts and a black t-shirt. Kisame thought the whole thing was hilarious and spend endless hours teasing "Felix" about how short he was. I woke up this morning before Kisame and decided I should go put for a walk before the teasing returned. The temple grounds were gorgeous, filled with lush gardens and flourishing plants. I strolled along the pebble path, hands thrust in my pockets.

"Felix can't help that he's short," I muttered. "He may be twenty-two, but he's genetically structure to be only 5"3. If you want to blame anyone – blame biology and that ridiculous rule of genetics."

Of course, no one answered. So instead I adjusted my voice to be deeper and continued the conversation:

"Your boyfriend is a jerk, Kate," said Felix.

"I know, I know." I sighed dramatically, my voice much higher as I spoke as myself. "He can be sweet. It's just because you're around."

Felix snorted. "I suck at making friends."

"That's not true!" I cried. "You're really nice and funny and smart and cute – don't forget the cute."

"So… You're saying that you're cute."

"No! I'm saying you're cute!"

"But I'm you and you're me. So if I'm cute, then so are you."

"Oh shut up," I snapped, while Felix sniggered behind my back.

"Kate… What are you doing?"

My head jerked up. I didn't see anyone on the path and I looked to my right to see the masked face of Tobi standing beside a very square rose bush.

"Talking to Felix," I said, stepping off the path to join Tobi.

His one eye blinked. "Aren't you Felix?"

"Felix is the male version of myself," I said. "He's very rude."

Tobi glanced at me suspiciously, and then – after a moment's thought – he shrugged. "Whatever."

I ran my fingers against the crimson petals of a rose. "You're not Tobi, are you?"

"No. I'm Madara today."

"How'd that happen?"

Madara hesitated. "I don't know. I woke up as myself."

"Scary," I murmured. "I would hate to wake up as myself. It's so frightening."

"I know," said Felix. "But that's okay. I wake up as you for you now."

Madara glanced at me sidelong, as if he were trying to puzzle me out. Apparently he wasn't successful, because he shrugged and said, "Tobi and I have been switching more and more since we arrived in Seanova."

"I wonder why," I said.

"The inter reality travel probably broke whatever jutsu was allowing Tobi control over you," said Felix.

Madara blinked. "Why is Felix smarter than you?"

"We may share a body, but that doesn't mean I have to be as stupid as she is," muttered Felix.

"He's rude," I said. "So Tobi's had less and less time in charge of his own body…"

"Yes."

Any further conversation was interrupted by the arrival of an old monk gardener. He wore the same brown robes with square patterns as the head monk. He was hunched over, dependant on a crooked cane, his bald head glittering in the sun.

"Oh. Hi," I said, waving.

"You're such a suck up," said Felix.

"You're such a grump."

The old monk shot me a curios glance, but he decided against mentioning it. He leaned against his cane and regarded Madara and I carefully.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Madara."

"Ka – Felix."

"Such nice names," said the old monk softly.

"Kisame gave me mine," said Felix and I added, "He wanted to name our first child that, apparently."

Madara snorted. "And here I never knew Kisame was gay."

My face turned beet red while Felix cracked up laughing.

"That's nice," said the old monk.

"Yes, yes," muttered Madara irritably. "That's all very _nice_. What do you want?"

"Madara!" I cried. "That's rude!"

"But it's so true," said Felix.

The old monk chuckled. He tilted his head to the side and smiled at us rather airily. "How would you like to dream?"

I paused. "What?"

"A dream, like a whisper, fades and disappears – how would you like an unforgettable dream?"

"I actually remember quite few of my dreams," I said. "I had this one dream once where I was a mermaid and Hannah and Dessie were evil sharks who chased me around the ocean and tried to eat me – that was before I met you guys," I added.

"Maybe this was a premonition of your homosexual love for Kisame," said Madara.

"Wow," I gasped. "I never thought of that."

"Look," said the old man. "Are you coming or not?"

"Sure, sure," I said, stepping away from the rose bush. "Where are we going?"

The old man didn't reply – his mysterious demeanor had mysteriously returned. He turned around and hobbled along the pathway. I glanced at Madara and, with an exchange of shrugs, we followed the old man. He led us through the pristine garden to a stone house between to twisted elm tree. There was no door to the house and it only looked large enough for one room. However, when we stepped inside, there was a staircase that descended into the deep ground. The old man headed down without hesitation, which Madara and I hesitated and then followed.

The staircase was dark and dank, with what I suspected was mould growing on the walls. I don't know how far we walked down for, but the staircase seemed never ending. My sandaled feet slipped and slid along the stairs. At one point, I almost fell onto the old man's back, but Madara caught me at the last second and warned me not to "let my clumsiness break other people's necks".

"I'm not that bad," I muttered.

Madara didn't respond.

"I wonder if this is…" I lowered my voice, "Safe."

"Probably not."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"And satisfaction brought it back," said Felix.

"Did you come up with that all on your own?" I asked skeptically.

"Yes."

"Wow. Who would have thought Felix was a closet poet."

"I have many talents you don't know about."

My foot missed a step and I stumbled forward. Madara grabbed me by the shoulder again, pulling me upright. He needn't have bothered, since the next step down was the bottom of the staircase, a hall which led to a worn wooden door. The old man led us inside – to a room of gray stone. There was nothing in the room – no shelves, no furniture, no pictures – except for a stone basin in the middle of the room.

As we drew closer, we saw that the basin was filled with a glowing lightning blue liquid. The old man approached without fear while Madara and I instinctively drew back.

"Do not be afraid," said the old man. "It cannot physically harm you."

"We have bad experiences with glowing blue things," said Madara.

"It starts with a W and ends with a argonian," I added helpfully.

The old man glanced at us suspiciously, but simply said, "Draw closer."

Madara had regained his pride and marched up to the basin, while I took a tentative step forward, followed by another and another, until I was standing at the basin's edge, peering in to the swirling lightning blue.

"To dream, you must only touch the essence."

"I would prefer not to." I didn't miss a beat.

"It won't kill you," said the old man.

"That's what you say," I said. "I know plenty of people who have been killed as a result of glowing blue orbs… and glowing orange ones too. Glowing stuff is always suspicious."

The old man rolled his eyes. Then he grabbed my by the back of my neck and shoved my face into the basin.

I opened my mouth to scream – realized I was drowning – realized I could breathe – saw the images flashing before my eyes – Dessie stands over a battlefield, drenched in blood – she throws up her hands and cackles – Deidara kneeling amongst dead body – an explosion of limbs and heads – Deidara wiping blood from his hands – Hannah screaming – Leader lying face down next to the battlefield – Konan standing over his body – Kisame running across the field – hopping over the fallen – Tobi prodding a severed head – Kakuzu crawling on the ground – Hidan pulling a spear out of his throat – Itachi's foot resting on the chest of a dead man – Sasori clutching his ruined puppet – Me – tears running down my grimy face.

My head was yanked out of the basin and I tumbled to the floor. I lay there, in the glow of the blue liquid, gasping for air and running my fingers through my dry hair.

Madara stood over me, his eye scowling.

"What…" I coughed, salt streaming down my face.

"The old man disappeared when I pulled out of the basin," said Madara gruffly.

"Oh." The tears wouldn't stop flowing. I ducked my head and buried it my arms.

"She's crying," said Felix.

"I can see that," said Madara.

"You traitor," I hissed.

"I'm only being honest," said Felix, shrugging.

"What did you see?" asked Madara, helping me to my feet.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and, after some intense sniffles, I wiped away the remnants and Felix said, "A war."

"That's not very specific."

"Our war. With lots of tragedy."

Madara nodded. "Do we win?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. Dessie was… happy. In an evil way."

"Well that's nothing new," said Felix. "Hannah was screaming. Now _that's_ unusual."

"What else?"

"Oh you know, it's war. Deidara was devastated, Konan was miserable – I think Leader was dead." Felix shrugged.

Tears had returned to my eyes again and, this time, there was no stopping them. I cough, once, and the tears were running nonstop. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and – when I reached out my arms to Madara for comfort – he pushed me away. My tears doubled. I turned my back to him and the basin, sprinting up the stairs and back to the garden. I didn't know where I was running or why. My feet pounded across the garden grass and down the wooden halls of the monastery.

"Ouch!"

I slammed into the shoulder of a monk. He stumbled backwards, glaring at me reproachfully.

"Sorry," I gasped through my tears.

"She's really not," said Felix.

The monk stared at me, eyes wide. "You're… a g–"

I didn't pause to see the rest, but continued sprinting down the hallway. I grabbed a door handle to my right and threw the door open. I scrambled inside and slammed it closed behind me. I stood there, gasping for air and choking on my own mucus.

"Kate?"

The blue of Kisame's face stared at me worriedly.

I threw my arms around his neck and bawled.

"Don't die! Don't die! I don't care how many heads you chop off in the process – don't die!"

"What…?"

"There was this man and he was old and blue and lots of blue and everyone died!"

"Um… Right."

I sobbed onto his bare blue shoulder.

"Kate…"

"Yeah."

Kisame grasped my shoulders and pushed me back. I stepped away and – with sudden horror – I realized he wasn't wearing anything.

I screamed.

Kisame clamped a hand over my mouth. "I'll go put some pants on."

I nodded mutely, trying to look anywhere else but the spot between his legs.

He removed his hand and inched across the room. I turned around and crossed my arms, staring determinedly at the door.

"Whoaza," said Felix. "Did you see the size of that thing."

"Ah! Felix!" I wailed. "Shut up!"

"But… It was blue. Did you _see_?"

"Yes, yes – I _saw_."

"Kate," said Kisame. "Who are you talking to?"

"Felix," I called back. "He's being a jerk."

"Oh. He was impressed by the size of it – wasn't he?"

"Shut up."

Kisame laughed. "It's okay. We all know Felix is gay. Just know that I don't want a two guys and one girl threesome."

"Kisame!"

There was heavy knock on the door.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Zetsu. We heard screaming."

"Oh." I glanced nervously behind me as Kisame pulled a shirt over his head. "Yeah… There was an… incident…"

"What kind of incident?" asked Zetsu. "Did someone die?"

"No… it was a clothesless incident…"

"Oh." Zetsu sounded positively disappointed. "So it's just a sex related thing. Boring."

"Ah!" I cried. "No! It wasn't like that!"

"What? Zetsu?" said Felix, howling with laughter. "As if Kate is capable of that!"

"Shut up!"

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><p><strong>AN: This is, um, a weird chapter. I blame it on being Friday. **

**Review! Just because I updated two chapters in one day - REVIEW THEM BOTH! Otherwise the old man will come and drown you in a bowl of shiny blue liquid. Dundundun**


	51. Glittering Gold

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Hannah, Kakuzu, and Deidara stole the Ring of Four from the Kikensai, only to be chased down and captured by the Kikensai in a bar.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-One: Glittering Gold<strong>

**Hannah**

Stone room. Check. Tied to a chair. Check. Hand bound behind back. Check. Ropes extra tight. Check. Chair bolted to floor. Check. Been sitting here for several hours. Check. Bored out of my mind. Check.

Ah. Remember the good old times when I end up interrogated by random stranger? Well, apparently they're back. Reminds me of my first meeting with Tobi and that Giant Blond Fur Ball (they tied me to a chair and interrogated me for four or five hours with Deidara threatening to blow my head off the whole time and calling me 'bitch' like a broken record).

The good old times…

"Arg!" I cried out to the dead silence. "So bored! Someone come in here and beat me or something!"

As if on queue the door opened and two men strutted in. Hmm… How to describe them… The first was fat and short, like a Christmas ham, and the second was tall and thin, like a stork or a bamboo stick.

"Well aren't you an odd couple," I said, almost cheerfully.

"Shut up," said the fat one guffly.

"What's you names?" I asked.

"I'm Mano and he's Endo."

"Right."

"Mano!" snapped Endo. "You're not supposed to be friendly with the prisoner."

"B-b-b-but," stammered Mano. "She just looks so helpless. She's only a little girl/"

"This really is like the good cop bad cop routine," I said warily. "You've got to be kidding me. Can't you guys come up with something original? Why don't you just both be mean? It'll be more entertaining that way."

"Oh," said Mano, the sympathetic look falling off his face. "I can do that."

"Good."

He slapped me.

My head jerked to the side violently. Pain spasm across my face – flashing red. I turned back to face him, my eyes narrowed slightly.

"Well that's a vast difference."

He slapped me again. "Shut up. Don't speak unless you're answering a question."

I shrugged (awkward when bound by ropes).

"Your friends have already confessed," said Endo firmly. "We are here to test your loyalty. If you pass, we'll spare you. If you fail, we were teach you the true meaning of suffering."

I tipped my head back and laugh. I laughed and laugh and laugh – like a maniac hyena, like Dessie. The laughter shook my body and, soon, I was doubled over, choking on my own mirth.

Mano slapped me.

"What's so funny?" asked Endo sharply.

"Deidara and Kakuzu… confessing…" My laughter renewed.

"Why is that funny?"

I straightened up and met their eyes. "Listen. The Akatsuki bow to no one. We are the Akatsuki. We will take pain. We will take suffering. We will take torture beyond agony – no matter how hard you try to torture us, _our leader is a million times worse_." I shuddered. "He breaks our bones for a hobby and tries to poison us when we're not good. He makes us wait on him hand and foot and – if we fail at that – we're sent on ridiculous mission that have a high chance of our deaths. If we get into fights, he hangs us by our finger nails in the basement, knowing that we're all terrified of blue orbs that appear down there." I shook my head. "You cannot torture me better than Leader – he makes Zetsu eat plants!"

"What…"

"But that's not all. He'll stop Hidan and Dessie from killing and he'll even kill people in front of them, while they're bound to the wall. And then he'll feed Kisame shark fin soup and take away Deidara's clay. He's cruel and evil and he knows everyone's deepest darkest secrets and knows exactly how to use them against us. I may be an evil bitch, but I am nothing – _nothing _ – compared to Leader."

I smiled. "So. Torture me and interrogate me to your deepest desire. But know this – the Akatsuki never confesses. We have been trained to be invincible." I paused. "Though I doubt that was Leader's purpose."

"Uh…"

Endo swallowed.

"You can keep interrogating if you want," I said. "But it won't do you much good."

Mano and Endo glanced at one another. Mano slapped me once more and then they headed straight for the door. It was only after they had left that I realized I had chased away my only source of entertainment.

"Wargjashingodpaindamn," I muttered. "I should have fed them the bullshit story about my dying aunt. Or maybe it was a sister."

I don't know how long I was alone in the room for this time. Maybe days. Maybe hours. Maybe it was only a couple minutes – it's impossible to keep track when you're bored. The seconds seem to last days.

Eventually – after an uncertain amount of time had passed – the door to my prison opened and Endo stepped in, his fat wobbling dangerously. Clutched in his pudgy right hand was two sets of iron. He locked the manacles around my wrists and ankles, then untied me. I staggered to my feet and followed him out the door.

"So where are we going?" I asked.

He didn't respond, his face grim.

"Um… right." I sighed. "So bored."

"You won't be for long."

"Well, that sounds ominous."

"It was supposed to."

"I hate vague ominous things. It's like you're trying too hard."

"Are you always this infuriating?"

I shrugged. "I'm bored."

Mano led me along a series of stone passage ways and up several flights of stairs. Eventually we reached a heavy wood door and Mano pushed it open, revealing the outdoor roof of the castle (yes, the Kikensai live in a castle). The castle basically had two roofs, one halfway up the building that encircled the taller part. Sort of like a cowboy hat, but with a thicker brim. There was a crowd on the first roof now. Men and a few women dressed in black and red were crowded around a sort of platform, shouting and hollering in loud voices.

Mano led me towards the crowd and, as I drew closer, I realized that Deidara and Kakuzu were both standing on the platform, to the right of a giant guillotine (how old fashioned). Several men stood behind Deidara and Kakuzu – ensuring they didn't make any funny movements. To the left of the guillotine, stood a tall, muscular man with a thick neck and beady black eyes. He was dressed the grandest out of the group, entirely in black with several gold decorations around his neck and wrists.

I was pushed up onto the platform and forced to stand beside Deidara, closest to the guillotine.

"Hey," I said, waving a shackled hand in Deidara and Kakuzu's direction.

Deidara grinned back, supporting a black eye. Kakuzu didn't even glance my way, he was too busy eyeing up the man's finery.

"Who's he?" I asked.

Deidara followed my line of sight and then said, "Shang. He's the leader of the whole Kikensai, uhn."

"Oh. Aren't we special."

"Not really," said Deidara. "I think he plans on killing us, uhn."

"Oh dear," I said. "That's quite concerning."

"You think I can steal his gold before I die?" asked Kakuzu.

"Probably. Are you going to bribe the devil?"

"No," scoffed Kakuzu. "I'll take my money with me to hell and then use the power it brings me to supplant the devil and take over his job."

"That's clever," I said thoughtfully. "Can I be your right hand man."

"Woman, uhn."

"Right hand woman," I corrected myself.

"Sure. You're diabolical enough."

I smiled and shook my head. "And people say nothing good will come of being evil."

"People say that, uhn?"

"They're all dead now," I said, reassuringly.

"You three!" bellowed Shang. "Shut up!"

"Ah," I cried. "But it's so boring! Can't we whisper while you talk?"

"No."

I sighed and slouched over wearily. And this is why I hate being kidnapped.

Shang stepped in front of the guillotine and raised his hands for silence. Almost instantaneously, the rowdy Kikensai soldiers stopped talking and watched Shang intensely.

"These three people." Shang pointed in our direction. "Have dared to steal from the Kikensai."

A roar rose up amongst the crowd, several people shouting for our heads.

"Oh joy…" I muttered.

A soldier prodded me in the back as a warning.

"We have captured them and conquered them!" shouted Shang (I almost burst out laughing at that line. Deidara snorted.) "But they are still withholding information from the might Kikensai!"

The crowd jeered.

"So," said Shang, turning to address us. "I have a proposition. I will save you from this grisly guillotine." He waved a hand at the deadly machine behind him. "One of you. Only one of you can rescue his – or her – neck. All you have to do, is tell me why you wanted the Ring of Four."

If he expected us to jump at the chance to save our lives, he was sorely disappointed. Kakuzu was practically drooling as he stared at Shang's gold necklace with an onyx pendant and Deidara was busy muttering about he would blow the whole damn castle to smithereens.

"You know," I said. "This isn't going to work."

"What do you mean?" asked Shang.

"You won't be able to kill us," I said, shrugging.

Shang's eyes narrowed. "Watch me."

"I can't watch you, since you can't kill us," I repeated. "Wargjashingodpain – why doesn't anyone understand this?"

"They haven't spent enough time with the Akatsuki, uhn," explained Deidara.

"I wonder how much I can sell that onyx for," said Kakuzu thoughtfully.

"Well, they'll learn soon enough. Prices for onyx are down at the moment in Seanova. He probably bought it while it was cheap and assumed most people wouldn't pay that much attention to the prices on precious gems."

Kakuzu groaned. "Damn. I should've checked that. What about gold?"

"Can I show them?"

"Not yet. Gold prices are about the same. Reasonable, but you can do better. What about his gold and silver bracelet with garnets? Garnets and silver are up."

"All of you!" snapped Shang. "Shut up unless you're going to give me a reasonable answer!"

The audience booed. I couldn't tell if they were booing us or booing Shang. Either way, Shang seemed pretty pissed off.

"I will tell you again," he said, pacing across the platform. "Two of you will die. One of you will live. If you want to keep your life – tell me why you want the Ring of Four!"

I yawned. "I've _told_ you. You can't kill us."

"What are you!" he howled. "Immortals!"

"No, no," I said, my chains clanking. "That's only two Akatsuki members. We can die. It's just… _You_ can't kill us."

Shang's eyes narrowed. "Are you challenging me?"

"No," I said, growing bored with the argument real fast. "I'm stating the facts."

"She's very factual," said Deidara. "When she's not trying to con someone… Which I guess if half the time, uhn… This isn't helping, is it, uhn?"

"No, Deidara," I said, sighing. "It's not. Just keep your mouth shut from now on unless you're threatening someone."

"Oh. Uhn. Hey, Shang. I'm going to put clay into your dinner tonight and after you digest it, I'll blow you to little tiny pieces from the inside out, uhn!"

I smiled. "That's better."

"WHY ARE YOU ALL SO IMPOSSIBLE!" howled Shang. "DON'T YOU DARE THREATEN THE MAN WITH THE GUILLOTINE!"

"And," I said. "Don't you dare threaten the woman who will not die by your guillotine."

"SHUT UP! I will give you one last chance! Tell me why you want the Ring of Four or I will kill all of you!"

"Is there money involved?"

Deidara and I paused and turned to stare at Kakuzu. He wasn't even looking at us. He was staring at Shang's bracelet.

"Isn't you life enough?" asked Shang incredulously.

"Hello no," said Kakuzu. "Money is everything."

"He means it, uhn."

"Deidara," I said. "Remember what I said about not helping unless you're threatening people."

"Right." Deidara turned back to Kakuzu and shouted: "You traitorous asshole! How dare you sell is out for money! I'm going to blow you from here to fucking Wargonia!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Kakuzu. "So, Shang, how much we talking about?"

"Um…"

"How about all that jewelry you're wearing right now? I'll do it for that."

"Er… No…"

"Fuck it. No deal then." Kakuzu folded his arms – chains clinking menacingly – and turned back to Deidara and me. "So how should we kill him. I can take out his heart while he's still alive and feed it to him."

"Oh sounds fun," I said.

"Alright! Alright!" cried Shang as the crowd roared with laughter. He pulled the onyx necklace off his head and dangled it in front of Kakuzu. "Tell me why you want the Ring of Four."

"Because we come form a different reality in a world called the Fence and Four transported us here for reason we don't know and – in order to get back home – we need the ring – now give me the gold."

Shang yanked the necklace away. "And you expect me to believe that."

"Actually," I said. "It's the truth – why is the truth so unbelievable?"

Deidara shrugged (he's not allowed to say anything).

Shang sighed and handed the necklace to Kakuzu, who snatched it up greedily. "You'll get the rest when you prove this to us. For now," Shang turned to Deidara and me with a demonic grin, "I have an execution to deal with."

"Oh joy."

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><p><strong>AN: Prom tonight! I look hot! hahahaha So, in honor of my hotness, you should all review - or Shang will show you the true power of his guillotine!**


	52. Welcome to the Cult

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Dessie, Hidan, Itachi, Konan, and Sasori are joined by Aram, who decided to betray the Ikustaka to join the Cult of Dessie.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Two: Welcome to the Cult<strong>

**Dessie**

"Only you," said Konan shaking her head.

I shifted uncomfortably (I hate sitting cross legged on a wooden floor for long periods of time). "Only I what?"

"Only you could kill off the leader of the Ikustaka's lover and then come back from an encounter with them and have one of their members as your lover."

I snickered. "Apparently I have a religion now. Dessiism with cult followers."

"Does that make you a god?" asked Itachi.

"Maybe… But I can in no way match up to the great god Jashin… or Warg," I added. "Maybe I'm like a minor god. I _am_ immortal."

Sasori snorted. "Superiority complex?"

"She;s just aware of how beautiful and fantastic she is," said Aram pleasantly. "It's becoming to see a woman so honest about her qualities. Most are like 'oh no, I'm not that great' or 'oh, I look so ugly' – it's almost repulsive."

"So what?" said Konan. "You want me to go around saying – 'I'm so amazing, I'm so perfect, you should all worship me, I'm Leader's angel'?"

"That would be scary."

"Precisely."

We were sitting in a traditional Japanese room – the type with paper walls and sliding doors – waiting for C-Deidara to finish his meeting with the other Okensai leaders and to introduce us to the boss. We were sprawled about in the room. I sat at the far end with Aram, and, after me legs grew tired, I lay down and rested my head in Aram's lap. Hidan sat a couple feet away, glowering at Aram every chance he got. Konan joined Hidan's glaring, deciding that Aram was an intrusion in "the Akatsuki's most perfect couple". Itachi and Sasori couldn't care less and sat on the opposite side of the room, both looking rather bored.

"Your have pretty hair," said Aram, running his fingers through the tangle black mess attached to my head.

"How would you _know_?" snapped Hidan irritably. "You can't see. You have that stupid, fucking blindfold on."

Aram smiled. He raised his free hand and wriggled the fingers in Hidan's direction. "It's called _feeling_."

"Isn't that kinky," I murmured, drowsily.

"Well," said Aram. "You would know all about my magic fingers."

"I would use the word _magic_ to describe them."

I kicked my right leg up into the air just in time to knock Hidan's scythe of its path. The scythe slammed into the wooden beam inches above Aram's head.

"Whew," said Aram. "Someone has a bad temper."

"Bad temper!" I screamed, leaping to my feet. "Hidan! Quit being such a shithead!"

"Fuck you, whore!" snapped Hidan, also jumping up. "One moment you're like 'Hidan, I love you! I'll fuck you for eternity' and then you said you're dumping me and then you say you don't want anyone else and now you're clinging to this fucking occult guy who thinks its hot to be blind!"

"Shithead! Do you think I'm serious! What do you understand! Fuck you! I'll rip your heart out and eat it for breakfast!"

"I'll just grow another one over night!"

"And I'll eat that one too!"

"How long are you going to eat my heart for, bitch!"

"Eternity if that's what it takes to _send you to hell_!"

"Hell has no meaning for Jashin's most loyal! I will be forever rewarded in the afterlife!"

"And I'll be right there will you, shithead, eating your heart even if you don't have one anymore!"

"Do I even have a heart in the afterlife!"

"I don't know! Why don't you ask someone who's _dead_?"

"Do you know any dead Jashinists?"

I paused. "No. Do you?"

"No… They're all immortal."

"Then how do we find out if you have a heart in the afterlife?"

Hidan frowned. "Like hell I know.

"Maybe the Jashinist afterlife is similar to the regular afterlife and then we can just summon a normal dead person and ask him."

"Oh. That's good."

"Um…" said Sasori. "We're you two ready to kill each other a second ago."

"Shush," I said, waving a hand in Sasori's direction. "We're hypothesizing here."

"You see! You see!" said Konan excitedly. "They are the _perfect_ couple. They never actually kill each other!"

"Yes," said Aram. "Because that is the ideal foundation for a relationship."

"In the Akatsuki, it is," said Itachi.

Aram grinned. "Oh, you people are scary."

"I know," I said, plopping onto the ground right where I stood. Hidan hesitated for a moment and then sat down next to me. I didn't even glance at him. "The Ikustaka are pale shades of the Akatsuki."

Aram nodded. "I know. No wonder you wanted to kill us all."

"Not you," I said. "We had so much fun torturing the Crow together."

"Oh yes – he's such a stick in the mud." Aram cackled. "I'll miss tormenting him…"

"Maybe he'll convert and join the Akatsuki's side too," I said thoughtfully. "Or we could just defeat the Ikustaka and keep him alive so we can torture him." I turned to Hidan. "And we can use him for our experiments."

"Our last one died," said Hidan disappointedly. "They lose too much blood if you stick them with the pointy end enough times."

"So tragic," I said.

"The Crow might be happier if he died with the rest of the Ikustaka," said Aram decidedly.

"But that's too nice!" I cried.

"True. Who knows, maybe you'll get to keep him."

"Oh yay!" I clapped my hands together and grinned at Hidan. "We might get our own pet! How long do you think he'll last?"

"As long as you don't tie him up and leave him in the bathroom like the last one," said Itachi.

"The last one…"

"Yeah. Leader wouldn't let us leave him in the storage room and Kakuzu threatened to tentacle rape us if we put him in the living room, so we put him in our bathroom. But then he screamed all night long so we cut out his vocal cords. But then he kicked the wall all night so we had to cut off his legs too. That's what killed him."

"Who would have thought," said Konan, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"It doesn't kill me," I said, shrugging. "I forget how mortal other people are."

Aram tilted his head to the side and said, "Is it just me, or is this conversation getting more and more twisted by the second?"

"It's not just you," promised Sasori.

"It's Jashinism," I said. "What did you think it was going to be – _oh look at me! I'm a Jashinist – aren't I cool? I don't mass murder people, but since I call myself a Jashinist, I must be a Jashinist_." I rolled my eyes. "We killed people for immortality. End of story."

"It's all highly religious," added Hidan.

Before Aram or anyone else could find the proper words to express the pure ecstasy and profoundness of our religion (I' sure that's what they were about to do), the door to the room slid open and C-Deidara stepped inside. His eyes fell on me and his face grew into a wide grin.

"Dessie! Baby! How are you?"

"And here's another member of the Cult of Dessie," said Konan wearily.

"Fucking pervert," muttered Hidan.

"And the president of the cult defends his love," added Aram. "I supposed I should join in. Um… Hey, C-Deidara. Try not to rape of goddess, will you?"

"I don't need unwilling girls," said C-Deidara, flicking his blond hair over his shoulder. "I'm hot enough to get whoever I want."

"Except Dessie," said Konan.

"She's worth it just to gaze at," said C-Deidara, his eye fixated on somewhere below my head.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, waving away his gaze. "We all know I'm hot."

"What did the Boss say?" asked Itachi.

"He's just taking a quick break and then he wants to meet you," said C-Deidara. "He's coming here."

"Oh," said Aram excitedly. "We should all be on our best behavior!"

"Your sarcasm isn't missed," said C-Deidara flatly.

He briskly organized us into rows (me directly to his right and Konan to his left, with Hidan, Aram, Itachi, and Sasori sitting behind).

"Why can't I be in the front?" asked Hidan.

"Shut up," I said. "You're not hot enough to be in the front."

"Bitch, I'm ten times hotter than C-Deidara."

"Yeah," said Aram. "But you're not nearly as big of a pervert. Perverts always win – get used to it."

"So why aren't you in the front again?" asked Sasori.

"Correction," I said. "Perverts always win until I kick them in the dicks." I smiled at C-Deidara. "Please remember than when you try and sneak into my room tonight."

C-Deidara laughed. "And, um, where did you hear that…"

Hidan pulled his scythe out of the wall – just in case.

Just as Hidan sat back down, scythe poised, the door opened and a stocky man with medium height walked in. He was reasonable young, maybe thirty, with curing black hair and green eyes. He wore a simple gray kimono with a sword strapped to his side – the fitting image of a samurai warrior.

"Boss," said C-Deidara gravely.

"Deidara."

"Hey!" I cried, waving excitedly. "Nice to _finally_ meet you. We were waiting here for fucking forever."

Boss blinked. He stared at me for 2.67 seconds. Then at Konan for 1.34 seconds. Then he turned to C-Deidara and said, "Why are there women here?"

C-Deidara gulped. "They're… part of the Akatsuki…"

"Women do not belong in the meeting rooms," said Boss stiffly. "They should be feminine, delicate creatures who tend to domestic chores and care for their husbands' homes. Women should be seen, not heard."

"Yes, Boss." C-Deidara bowed his head – stealing a glance at my chest as he did so. "Dessie, Konan, I guess you have to go."

"Oh hell n–" began Hidan.

I got to my feet. "Oh we'll go – after I fucking cut off Mr. I'm-So-Fucking-Good-I-Can-Insult-Just-About-Fucking-Anyone-Even-Divine-Women-Such-As-Desdemona-Lee-And-The-Angelic-Konan."

…

"That's a really long name," said Aram.

"Women are not suited for serious matters!" snapped Boss. "The Okensai is a man's organization! Women do not belong! Go home and wait for us to finish!"

Konan scowled. "Do you know the meaning of pain, Boss?"

"Because we can fucking teach it to you!" I snapped. "How about I make you dickless – then you can spend your life as a woman in a kitchen as see how much you fucking enjoy it. Having a dick is your fucking weakness – don't treat it as a superiority complex!"

"She should know," said Sasori. "Superiority complexes are her specialty."

"Exactly!" I turned to Boss and flipped him off. "How dare you – you slimy meatball not worth any woman's attention – how dare you try and kick me – Desdemona Lee the goddess of goddesses, divine's beauty given to the worlds by the gods themselves – out of a meeting!"

And with that, I punched the Boss of the Okensai in the jaw and knocked him to the ground.

He sat there, eyes wide in horror, and stared at me. His mouth moved soundlessly, unable to form a coherent response.

"Well," said Konan. "That's one way to knock someone speechless."

"I'm quite good at it," I said, shaking my stinging hand about wildly.

Boss stared at me blankly.

"Damn," said Sasori. "Not another one."

"Another what?" asked Konan.

Boss rubbed his chin and stared at me. "_What a woman_."

"Oh."

"Wait," I said slowly. "What's going on here?"

"The Cult of Dessie has gained another member," said Sasori.

"Hn."

"I don't get it," I said. "I thought he wanted women to remain in the kitchen…"

"Apparently his type is the opposite," said Konan.

"Jashin damn you!" cried Hidan, jumping to his feet and waving his scythe above his head. "Quit joining the fucking cult!"

"You'll just increase Dessie's ego even more," added Sasori.

"Terribly unhealthy," said Aram getting up. He walked past Hidan and extended a hand. "Welcome, Boss, to the Cult of Dessie – where we take all weirdos, whackos, perverts, and psychotic killers that come our way."

"Hurray," Hidan muttered. "We should have fucking business cards."

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><p><strong>AN: ... Just review. I can't even threaten you right now. **


	53. The True Nature of Evil

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Kate is disguised as a boy (who has developed as her split personality Felix) while she, Kisame, Leader, Zetsu, and Tobi stay at the Temple of Four. Only the head monk Hiroba knows she is a girl. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Three: The True Nature of Evil<strong>

**Kate**

The dining hall was packed – not just with bald, square monks, but with rumors as well. Rumors of a girl living inside the Temple of Four disguised as a monk. Chatter flew around the dining hall like a massive food fight. The monk who had seen the supposed girl was a rail thin man by the name of Gang. He had not gotten a good look at the girl – but she was definitely dressed as a monk and definitely female.

"She was crying!" shouted Gang, standing atop one of the tables. The other monks crowded around him, listening vehemently.

"Why was she crying?" someone asked.

"I don't know!" snapped Gang. "But she was definitely female."

"Women are not allowed inside the temple!"

"Who let her in?"

"We should find her!"

Amidst all the chaos, the Akatsuki sat on the edge of the dining hall, our trays placed in front of us. Zetsu prodded the food suspicious and muttered something about 'unsanitary'. I cowered behind Kisame, hoping Gang wouldn't think to look my way.

"What did you do?" said Leader irritably.

"This food is terrible," said Zetsu.

"I was, um, upset," I said.

"Meaning she start bawling her eyes out after we saw the end of the world," said Felix, prodding his grits tentatively.

"And Gang saw you crying and recognized you as a girl?" asked Leader.

I nodded.

"Can we eat one of the monks?" asked Zetsu.

"She can't help it," said Kisame. "She's Kate. She cries every two seconds."

"There are so many of them that they won't notice if one goes missing."

Felix took a huge bite of grits and – with a full mouth – said: "I know. Why did I have to end up the split personality of a cry baby?"

"Is Kate going to join the Multiple Personality Club?" asked Tobi, glancing at Zetsu (who was staring at the crowds of monks and drooling).

"I'm not turning cannibal if that's what you mean," said Felix, waving his spoon at Tobi.

"Ew!" I cried. "Who do you think I am?"

"It's not like Tobi is a stranger to multiple personalities," said Kisame. "We have Tobi-Madara and Black-White Zetsu and now Kate-Felix. Why are all the split personality people in one group?"

"Think of it as a Multiple Personality Anonymous group," said Felix.

"Oh good," said Kisame. "I've always wanted to do an intervention. Can I be a guest speaker?"

"This is your fault," I muttered, still trying to hide behind Kisame's blue shoulder and Gang announced his suspicion of the new arrivals (AKA us).

"Why?"

"You're the one who wanted me to dress like a boy and name me Felix."

"I think it's a good name," said Kisame. "And technically it was Tobi's idea."

"What did Tobi do now?"

Before anyone could answer, a young monk appeared at the table's edge, watching us nervously. He couldn't have been more than thirteen and he looked ready to wet himself when he realized we were all staring at him.

"What?" snapped Leader.

"Master Hiroba wants to see Felix in his office."

I blinked and glanced at Kisame. He grinned – showing all his teeth – and nodded his head once.

"What does the old coot want?" asked Felix.

"I-I-I don't know."

Leader scowled. "Felix, go see Hiroba. If he does anything stupid – I will deal with him."

The young monk turned as white as a sheet.

Felix grinned and cackled his knuckles. "If he does anything stupid – _I_ will deal with him."

Kisame burst out laughing. The whole hall dipped into silence as everyone turned to stare at the blue shark-man who was pounding his first on the table top and cackling with mad laughter.

"What?" I asked, slipping out of Felix Mode.

"That's so… unlike you…" said Kisame between laughing fits.

"Asshole," said Felix.

I got to my feet and followed the young monk out of the dining hall. All eyes followed me until the heavy square door slammed shut behind me and the young monk and I were alone in the corridors. He led the way up several flights of stairs until we reached Hiroba's office.

Hirboa – as square as always – was sitting behind his desk. He frowned as I entered the room. I closed the door and, slowly, turned to face him.

"Hi," I said, waving awkwardly.

"What did you do?"

"I don't know what you mean…"

"Gang saw you. How did he know you were a girl?"

"Um… How do you know it was me? Maybe he though Tobi was a girl and that's why he was wearing a mask…"

"Yeah right," muttered Felix.

"Shhh."

"He saw you," said Hiroba firmly.

"He saw me crying… and guessed. He's, um, a very good guesser." My face was turning redder by the second. Kate, the Queen of Lame Excuses.

"I would rather expel you from the temple altogether," said Hiroba firmly. "Gang is… an important member of our community. You are a stranger and a girl at that. You do not belong here."

I nodded mutely.

"Are you and Gang gay?" asked Felix.

My eyes widened in horror. "Felix! You don't say things like that!"

"Why? You thought it too."

"Yes – but I didn't _say_ it."

Hiroba's mouth moved soundlessly. Suddenly, he turned a vivid shade of purple and cried, "What kind of outrage is this! What are you thinking!" He sprung to his feet and stormed across the room. Spluttering with rage, he grabbed me by the wrist and twisted.

"Ah!"

Pain shot up my arm.

"Stop! Stop!" I cried. "Hurts! It hurts!"

"_Don't you dare spread rumors_," snarled Hiroba. "Don't you dare! Or I will _murder_ you in your sleep. The _moment_ your eyes close and your drift away – I will be there. With a knife."

"Stop! Please!"

With my free hand, Felix grabbed Hiroba's by the throat. Hiroba gasped and released me, scrabbling at my hand – trying to get Felix to let go.

"Don't fuck with us," said Felix. "We may look innocent and feminine, but we are hell. You look to your god – but he will not save you. Four brought Kate to this world. Four named Kate the Chosen Lady. Four needs Kate. He doesn't need you. We don't need you. If you dare threaten us again – we will find you. But we won't kill you. Oh no! That would be too easy. But, you know…" Felix smiled. "Kate, do you remember that number Dessie and Hidan pulled on that assassin from Suna? The one where they tried to see how many organs they would take out before he died? Piece by piece. Keeping him alive with Kakuzu's help."

"Oh yeah," I said, shuddering. "I had nightmares for weeks."

Felix laughed and pushed Hiroba backwards. Hiroba stumbled and fell flat on his butt.

"We know hell. Would you like to as well?'

Hiroba was paralyzed to the spot.

Felix turned towards the door and opened it. I stepped out into the hallway, but before closing the door, I called over my shoulder, "Have a nice day!"

* * *

><p>The Akatsuki were meditating.<p>

Well, most of us were. Leader had order us to "blend in" with the monks to hide the fact that I was a girl. So he sent all of us down to the garden at noon to mediate (of course, Leader himself was not included in this order). It was a mistake. The Akatsuki are not made for sitting still for long periods of time. Within the first five minutes, boredom struck.

Tobi fell asleep instantaneously. He lay sprawled out on the grass, drooling and snoring. He kept twitching at odd moment and I think he was having a dream about Dessie and Hannah – he murmured something about "nunu" and "flowers".

Kisame tried to meditate at least. He sat still. Then scratched his shoulder. Sat still. Peeked out of one eye. Sat still. Yawned. Sat still. Pulled out some grass. At that point he gave up and started digging a hole in the garden to see if he could reach the other side of Seanova (as he told me later).

To my surprise, Zetsu got really into the whole mediation thing. He was completely zoned out and didn't even notice when Kisame tried to throw pebbles at his head. He really became "one with nature" – so much so that the monks tried to water him.

I was fine with the meditation. I once had a hippie dictator for an English teacher and she made us meditate every day before beginning class. However, Felix grew bored real easily and started ranting about how he should mess with Hiroba.

"Did you see Hiroba avoiding you?" asked Kisame.

"Yeah!" cried Felix. "Did you see him skirting around me? He looked ready to shit himself."

"That's not nice!" I cried.

"He threatened to kill us."

"Well... yes…" I sighed. "Am I supposed to just let you mock him? He might actually kill us then."

"Don't worry," said Kisame, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "I'll stay with you tonight and if he tries anything – I'll cut off his head."

"Oh Kisame," said Felix. "I didn't know you felt that way!"

"Not you," said Kisame, quickly removing his arm. "I'm not interested in men."

"It's not like I actually have a dick," said Felix irritably.

I covered my ears and cringed. "Why is this conversation so awkward!"

"Kate's virgin ears can't take it," said Kisame smugly.

"Whoa!" cried Felix. "You two still haven't done it?"

"Aren't you Kate?" asked Kisame. "Don't you know these things already?"

"Well, yeah…" Felix shrugged. "I just wanted to shout that so all the monks who are pretending to meditate but are actually eavesdropping on our conversation will think you're gay."

"Ah." Kisame sighed. "It's so sad there're only monks here. How can I play Love Guru if there're no women!"

"Oh," I said. "Didn't we tell you? Hiroba and Gang have a little romance going on."

"What!" cried Kisame. "Seriously?"

"Yeah – that's why he threatened to kill us."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "You _told_ Hiroba you know about his secret love for Gang?"

"Felix did."

Felix shrugged. "Hnesty is the best policy."

"Liar," said Kisame.

"Alright – but it sounded good when I thought about it."

Kisame grinned and – after a moment – the grin widened into a truly demonic smile.

"What are you thinking?" I asked suspiciously.

"Oh. Nothing." Kisame cackled. "I was just thinking we should help that shitty rumor spreader – Gang – realize his love for the head monk." Kisame paused and added, "It is against the laws of Four to have romance within the temple grounds? And I think I heard something about especially with guys. Those homophobic bastards – you must really hate them, Felix. I guess we'll just have to help them understand the true and passionate love of homosexuals."

Felix laughed. "Kisame, now _that _is evil."

"Well, I am a member of a highly hated criminal organization."

I sighed in resignation. "You two are the true nature of evil."

"The Love Guru's trusted She-Cupid isn't going to help?" asked Kisame, leaning closer to me.

"Of course I am," I said. "Hiroba hurt my wrist."

Kisame laughed and ruffled my hair fondly. "There's my little evil criminal girlfriend."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Go check my profile for amazing fanart (NixxH most recently). Thanks for your reviews for the last chapter. Let's just say I had a crappy yesterday and end it at that. I've realized the more I write this story the more evil my characters get. I mean, if you read the very beginning of book one, Dessie, Hannah, and Kate are not that bad - just a little unorthodox. Now, Dessie does torturous experiments, Hannah scams people for all their money and enjoys putting them in situations that will most likely result in their deaths, and Kate has a split personality who enjoys cruelty and violence. I'm trying to think if there are any eviller OCs that I know of. Nothing is coming to mind. Anyone got any? **

**Review! Or Felix will come and do a little Hidan-Dessie style experimentation on you.**


	54. The Law of the Kikensai

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Hannah, Kakuzu, and Deidara were captured by the Kikensai and Kakuzu has agreed to give information in return for money - leaving Deidara and Hannah to face the dreaded guillotine!**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Four: The Law of the Kikensai<strong>

**Hannah**

"Kakuzu! I am going to show you the true power of art! Uhn! I'm going to bury you in clay! Uhn! And I mean _bury_! Uhn! You won't even be able to breathe! Uhn! And then, when one of your hearts has died from suffocation! Uhn! I will blow up another one! Uhn! And then another! Uhn! And another! Uhn! And another! Until you have no heart left! Uhn! And you're just dead! Uhn!"

Kakuzu paused in his fawning over his newly acquired gold and silver bracelet. "You don't know how many hearts I actually have, do you?"

"Does it matter! Uhn! I'll kill them all! Uhn!"

I sighed. "He says 'uhn' even more when he's mad."

"You've very relaxed about this," said Kakuzu.

I yawned. "I already said Shang can't kill me. Or Deidara for that matter."

"Okay!" shouted Shang, storming across the stage and grabbing me by the back of the neck. "That's enough out of you! All you do is talk and talk and talk – you haven't _done_ anything."

"But that's the whole point," I said. "I never have to do anything."

Shang twitched. He released my neck – which ached quite a bit now – and stepped away. "Soldiers – chop off her head!"

Two Kikensai soldiers appeared behind me and grabbed me by the arms. As they propelled me towards the guillotine, I didn't put up much of a fight. I shot Kakuzu am "Are You Really Going To Put Me Through This?" glare.

"I might give you some money in the afterlife," said Kakuzu. He glanced at the bracelet again. "Then again maybe not."

"Well," I said. "I'm touched you actually considered it."

"I lied."

"Yeah, but you don't usually lie about money – it's moving."

"Not as much as you head will be!" shouted Shang, adding in a villainous cackle for the hell of it.

They made me kneel behind the guillotine and place my head below the blade. I rolled my eyes in Kakuzu's direction and he smirked.

"You're annoying," I told him.

"Is it really that concerning?" he asked.

"Inconvenient."

"Any last words?" asked Shang, a gloating grin plastered across his face.

"You can't kill me."

"We'll see about that!"

Shang raised his hand. The guillotine sprung to action. The blade plummet down. For a second – and I mean a really brief second – I honestly thought I was going to die. I know. It's terrible, isn't it? Unfortunately, in that very brief second, I screamed. It wasn't a high pitched full on scream – more like a yelp. I really might just die.

The blade never touched my neck.

See? I said he couldn't kill me.

The guillotine exploded into a thousand pieces and the blade went spiraling away from my neck to land somewhere over the castle wall (perhaps it decapitated a Kikensai soldiers returning from town – I'll never know). A hush fell over the crowd that had been only seconds before screaming for my death.

I sat up and rubbed the back of my neck.

Kakuzu was staring at me, one eyebrow raised skeptically. "What happened to that ironclad confidence of yours?"

"Shut up. I'd like to see you remain silent at a guillotine."

"Not happening. I would never be so stupid."

"I'm alive, aren't I?" I snapped. "Who would actually save you?"

Shang was scarlet. He drew his sword and pointed it directly at Deidara's throat – all of his soldiers copying the motion. Deidara stood inside a ring of enemies – a dozen pointing objects all waiting to strike.

"What do you have to say for yourself!" cried Shang.

Deidara laughed. "Art is a BANG!"

"Well," I said. "I don't have to do anything. Want to go loot the castle while Deidara finished off here?"

We didn't get off the platform. Deidara blew up Shang and his loyal guards while laughing like a psychopathic pyromaniac. The moment Shang's severed and bleeding head landed on the platform, a sort of terrified silence filled the roof. The Kikensai soldiers stared at Deidara – their eyes filled with fear and… respect!

"Hannah1 Hannah! Uhn!" cried Deidara. "Did you see that? I killed them all! They're all dead! Every single one of them! Dead! Dead! Dead!" He doubled over with mad cackles. "I blew them to tiny little pieces – Bang! – you should have seen there faces! Uhn!"

"I did," I said, reassuringly (he did save my life, I should act a little thankful). "They had no idea they were about to be two-bite pieces for Zetsu."

Kakuzu kicked a bloody finger off the platform. "Where's Zetsu when you need him?"

"Maybe we could turn the Kikensai into cannibals and make them eat the remains," I said thoughtfully. "Waste not, want not."

"That's disgusting, uhn," said Deidara. "The world is better off without more Zetsus."

"Good point."

I shifted uneasily under the Kikensai's stares. I started to edge of the platform, shuffling as fast as shuffling could carry me. I didn't get very far.

"Do you know our laws?"

I paused and turned to see who had spoken. A plain man with brown hair, brown eyes, and a forgettable face stood at the front of the crowd, his face grave.

"Uh. No," said Deidara.

"Does it have something to do with cutting off our heads?" I asked.

The man shook his head. "The Law of the Kikensai states that whosoever defeats the previous leader in battle becomes the leader of the Kikensai."

I blinked.

Kakuzu stopped inspecting the remains from the explosion for the rest of Shang's jewelry.

Deidara stared.

"Say what again?"

"You kill our previous head. You our now out leader."

Deidara's mouth formed an 'O' shape. Then, slowly, the realization dawned on his face. He turned white. Then red. Then – slowly – a grin started to spread. "Hell yeah!" he said. "Seanova really knows how to appreciate art, uhn!"

"I don't think it's the art they're appreciating," I muttered.

"Don't worry, Hannah," said Deidara. "You can be my woman, uhn."

I sighed. "If I had my frying pan right now…"

Deidara turned to the Kikensai and – for some reason known only to him – snapped his fingers and cried, "The girl wants her frying pan. Bring it, uhn!"

As two soldiers scuttled off, I rolled my eyes at Deidara. "You've been leader of the Kikensai for a whole two seconds and already you're ordering people around."

"Just call me Leader, uhn."

Forehead meets palm. "Idiot…"

"Also," said Deidara. "As my first decree, I order you to bring this slimy traitorous bastard to the brig!" Deidra thrust an accusing finger in Kakuzu's direction. And, after a paused, he added, "And make sure you talk all his money too."

"Right away, Leader," said one of the soldiers.

A group approached Kakuzu, but they didn't get much closer than a few feet. When it comes to money – Kakuzu makes Leader look like a timid puppy rabbit. He unleashed all the fury of his five hearts – fire, water, earth, lightning, wind – a pile of beaten and bruised and – for the most part – dead bodies around him.

"Damn it," said Deidara. "Why do you have to be so ridiculous, uhn?"

"Don't touch my money, asshole," snapped Kakuzu.

"You probably could have jailed him if you'd let him keep his money," I said, shrugging. "Your fault – not mine."

Deidara sighed. "It's not punishment if I let him keep the gold, uhn."

"Good luck separating them," I said, shrugging.

Before Deidara could devise a suitable plan to get revenge on Kakuzu, two soldiers returned carrying with them my frying pan. I took the heavy metal cooking tool from them and weighed it in my hands.

"Looks good," I said.

"Good, uhn. I worked hard to get that for you."

"Thanks."

I whacked Deidara over the head.

"Ow!" he cried, rubbing some blood off his forehead. "What the hell was that for!"

"Your ego was getting fat. I'm helping whip it into shape."

Some of Deidara's 'loyal' soldiers jumped onto the platform, their swords drawn and ready to attack me at a moment's notice.

Kakuzu laughed. "Imagine if they did attack you – Deidara would murder them."

"It'd be kind of funny."

The soldiers dropped their sword tips slightly and exchanged nervous glances. Deidara was too busy running his fingers through his blond hair to make sure it wasn't stained with blood to notice.

"Warg damn you," said Deidara. "Why'd you have to hit me? Uhn?"

"There's only one leader," I said. "And that's Leader. It's sort of why his name is 'Leader'."

"Actually," said Kakuzu. "His name was originally Nagato, but he changed it to Pain – or Pein, whatever spelling you prefer – as he grew from a war torn orphan to a twisted leader of a criminal organization. Then we were forced to call him Leader out of respect for the almighty and powerful Pain-sama, the god of the new world."

I blinked. "Did he pay you to slip that into the story somewhere?"

"Damn. You're good."

"I just know you too well."

* * *

><p>"Just blow them all to pieces!"<p>

"But… Leader…"

"Don't call me Leader, uhn." Deidara glanced fearfully in my direction. "I am the Great and Mighty Deidara! But not Leader!"

"Of course… Great and Mighty Deidara… Um… We can't etrieve the stolen merchandise by just, um, _blowing them all to pieces_ – we don't even know where the thieves are."

Deidara leaned back in his chair and scowled at the messenger over the table top. A mound of clay covered the table, where Deidara had been constructing his special explosives while the Kikensai soldiers explained the current state of affairs. So far, Deidara's answers had all been the same – "Just blow them all to pieces!"

"I'll take care of it," said Kakuzu, ushering the messenger to the exit. "The Oh Great and Might One got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"I heard that, uhn!" shouted Deidara.

Kakuzu waved away Deidara's comment and practically shoved the messenger outside the hall. Before anyone else could come in with complaints, Kakuzu slammed the doors shut and locked them, leaving Deidara, Kakuzu, and myself alone in the stone room.

I sat at Deidara's right hand, flicking away pieces of clay. They rolled off the table and landed on the floor, sometimes rolling under a chair or between the crack in the floor. Hopefully he would try to blow anything up anything soon – otherwise we'd have a hole-in-the-floor problem.

"You know," I said, squishing on of the clay pieces with my thumb. "I don't think the Kikensai like you very much."

"They'd better," said Deidara. "Or I'll blow them all to pieces!"

"You can't solve the world's problems by blowing everything to pieces," I said.

"Sure you can, uhn."

Kakuzu snorted. "Yes. Because your problem of your unrequited love can be solved by blowing Hannah to pieces."

"Don't give him any ideas," I muttered.

"I can blow Zetsu to pieces," said Deidara thoughtfully. "No more rivals, uhn."

"No offense, Deidara," I said. "But you make a crappy leader. You should go back to be a mindless minion who blows things up for fun."

Deidara nodded. "I miss the old life, uhn."

"We can't leave yet," said Kakuzu grimly.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Leader hasn't given us any orders."

Deidara cleared his throat. "I order us to leave, uhn."

"I said _Leader_ – not the uhnning-pretender-who-thinks-he's-leader."

"Uhnning?" I repeated blankly. "I never realized how much of an uhnner Deidara is until now."

"Don't you uhn me, uhn."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Anyways, I told Leader we had control of the Kikensai and the Ring of Four, but he hasn't given us any orders yet."

"So… We have to stay put?" I flicked a clay ball at Kakuzu's head, but he swatted it away instantaneously.

"Yes."

"Why can't we just blow them all up, uhn?"

I stood up and – gripping the handle hard – slammed the frying pan on top of his head. "Because, you uhnning uhnner – _you cannot solve all your problems by blowing everything up_!"

"Yes," muttered Kakuzu. "But you can by hitting them over the head with a frying pan."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I updated! Not review before you must face the frying pan AS WELL AS Deidara's clay of fearsomeness. (that was a lame threat - I am uninspired).**


	55. Boss's Woman

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**The Boss of the Okensai falls in love with Dessie after she punches him and he decides to join the Cult of Dessie.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Five: Boss's Woman<strong>

**Dessie**

I have been in my share of Face-to-Palm worthy situations, and – just to be perfectly clear – this is one of them. The Boss of the Okensai, the Wolf of the Yakuza, the Southern King, was kneeling in front of me, his usually harsh brown eyes filled with devotional softness. Three minutes earlier he was wanting about how women belong in the kitchens and now he's begging me to be his woman…

Did I miss something here?

"What the hell is your problem!" I cried, kicking him in the knee.

"Ow!" Boss rubbed his knee. With glowing eyes, he stared up at me and said, "Such a strong kick… Where did you get such a kick? It's incredible…"

"Shut up, asshole!" I snapped, punching him in the jaw.

Boss fell to the floor, but a second later he was up again, grinning and begging for more.

"Are you a cockroach!" I cried.

"The correct term is masochist," said Itachi helpfully.

"I don't like masochists," said Hidan. "I'm supposed to be the only masochist in this story."

"You're a sadomasochist," said Konan. "They're completely different things."

"I don't want a masochist to join the Cult of Dessie!" I wailed.

"Wake up," said Sasori. "The Cult of Dessie is nothing but masochists."

"It's so true…" said Konan.

"The Cult of Dessie?" asked Boss.

"It's a sort of religion," explained Konan. "Where Dessie is worshipped like a goddess. Hidan's the president, Aram's the treasurer, and C-Deidara is the secretary."

"I'm not the fucking president!" shouted Hidan.

"I'll be the president then," said Boss, thrusting his hand in the air.

"Hell no," snapped Hidan. "I'm the fucking president."

"Um, you just said you weren't."

"I said – I _am_ the fucking president."

"It's okay," said Konan, patting Boss on the shoulder. "You can be the Vice President."

"Oh good."

I rolled my eyes and kicked Hidan between the legs for good measure.

"No!" cried Boss, falling to his knees before me. "That should be me!"

"Desdemona Lee," muttered Konan. "Renown for emasculating men, attracting masochists, and attracting the weirdest of the weird."

"No," I cried. "I don't want to be known for such weird reasons."

"Yes," said Konan, rolling her eyes. "Because being known for having bog boobs, a violent temper, and a collection of Hotties is so much better?"

"Hell yeah!"

"And inconsistent religions," added Itachi.

"I switch religions because Warg was being an asshole," I snapped. "Don't bring the immortality incident into this."

"Immortality?" asked Boss.

No one bothered to explain it to him.

Instead, I turned to Boss and put my hands on my hips. I surveyed him – the new Vice President of the cult dedicated to me – and said, "What can you offer the cult of Dessie?"

Boss blinked. "What do you mean?"

"You heard me – what can you offer to the Cult of Dessie? We don't except worthless people. Hidan is a fucking immortal Jashinist. C-Deidara offers the power of the Okensai that he commands. Aram… Aram's just awesome."

Somewhere behind me, Hidan tried to lob off Aram's head.

"Well," said Boss slowly. "I am the boss of the whole Okensai. I can place the whole yakuza at your disposal…"

I tipped my head to the side and thought it over for a minute. "Well, I guess that's okay. Alright. You are officially allowed to enter the Cult of Dessie." I punched him in the stomach.

"Yay!" Boss coughed and clutched his stomach stiffly. "Happiest moment… of my… life…"

"He must have had a sad life," said Sasori.

"He's a fucking asshole," said Hidan.

"I think it's kind of cute," said Konan, with a meaningful look in Hidan's direction.

I ignored them and continued. "We are looking for a group called the Ikustaka. They dared to impersonate my Zombie Whore and now they must pay."

Konan giggled. "Did you notice her use of 'my'?"

"I'm not a Zombie Whore!" snapped Hidan.

Konan sighed in resignation. "Apparently not."

"The Ikustaka?" asked Boss. "You don't like them?"

I shook my head.

"Well what a coincidence! They're currently staying under our protection – would you like to see them?"

I grinned. "Only if I can kill them."

"Well, of course."

"Then bring them to me."

Boss got to his feet and moved opened the screen door to the room. He said something quickly to someone outside and then returned. "They'll be here in a second."

"Oh good. I've had some pent up anger recently – generally relating to one pervert."

"For once," said Hidan. "It's not me."

"Not me," said Aram. "She could never be mad at her lover."

Hidan tired to throttle Aram to death.

"Which means," said Konan, sending her paper t separate Hidan and Aram before they did too much damage. "That she's talking about C-Deidara."

"Who me?" said C-Deidara, his eyes fixed on Konan's chest.

Before Konan could murder C-Deidara for his lecherous behavior, the door to the room opened and – led by guards – the remaining Ikustaka members entered the room. Yuriko came first, her head held high and her eyes flashing. Behind her was the Crow, as dark and tattooed as ever. Then Hotaru, still fuming about the other day.

Yuriko took one look at me and cried, "You _whorish bitch_!"

I raised a fist. "Want to see just how big of a bitch I can be?"

"She can be a huge one," said Sasori. "You don't know how big of a bitch she can be."

"She killed the love of my life," snapped Yuriko. "Can she possibly be any bitchier?"

"You'd be surprised," said Sasori, shrugging.

"Oh great," said C-Deidara. "Don't tell me Sasori's thinking of joining the Cult of Dessie."

"We don't want any more damn members," snapped Hidan.

"Oh," I said. "Sasori's welcome to join."

"I don't want to join your club," said Sasori.

"He's much more into Hannah's group of minions," said Konan. "Kakuzu's her man, Zetsu's her boy, and Deidara's her sugar daddy."

"Actually," said Sasori. "I was thinking of joining your origami club."

Konan snorted. "You hate origami. It's not art, remember?"

"Damn. You caught me."

"I don't understand half of this conversation," said Boss.

"The point is," I said. "You should dispose of the Ikustaka and rid me of the problem."

Boss smiled adoringly. "Of course."

* * *

><p>Well, with Hotaru, the Crow, and Yuriko dead, that brought our mission to the south to a close. Which meant we had a few days of relaxation while we waiting for our orders from Leader. So far he had been silent. So – guess what – we all went out drinking. Hidan, Sasori, Konan, Aram, Itachi, C-Deidara, Boss, and me.<p>

"You know," said Konan, pointing a shakingly drunk finger at me. "I don't like this."

"Don't like what?" I asked.

"You and this cult."

"It'll all go to her head," said Itachi. "Bad things will happen."

"Thanks, Hottie," I said. "I can't help that I'm irresistibly gorgeous… and humble too. It's one of my finer qualities."

"I'd hate to see the rest of them," muttered C-Deidara.

"I'll ignore you."

"No," said Konan. "What bothers me is that this cult interferes with Dessie and Hidan's perfect relationship!"

"Here we go again," muttered Sasori. "Konan ships couples like there's no tomorrow."

"Excuse me of liking some romance – the Akatsuki's too dull without it. Besides, I only ship Desdan, Kisate, and Hanara."

I rolled my eyes and reached for more sake.

"Anyways," said Konan. "Hidan and Dessie were made for each other. They're both violent, they both curse, they both love to kill – they're like the male and female versions of each other… except Dessie's more Hottie obsessed."

"Because they are _fucking hot_," I said.

"Yeah, yeah," said Hidan, chugging down the remainer of his drink. "Just don't drag me on anymore Hottie hunts."

"You kill the prey."

"He didn't know who Jashin was. And he tried to mug you."

"He was a badass kind of Hottie."

"See!" cried Konan, pointing at us. "Their conversations just flow so well! They just so happy together! And so cute!"

"Is she deluded?" asked C-Deidara.

"Duh," I said. "She's a fangirl."

"And proud," added Konan.

"I don't like it either," said Boss. "I don't like sharing my woman with anyone – particularly not Hidan. He just looks like a douchebag."

"Oh he is," I agreed, taking a long drought of sake. "I like to call him a Zombie Whore."

"See," said Konan. "They even have pet names for each other."

[Insert group facepalm here.]

"I'm not a fucking douchebag," said Hidan. "I'm a Jashinist!"

"Which means the exact same thing," said Boss.

"Go shit yourself, asshole!"

"That's your comeback?" asked Boss, reaching for more sake. "What are you? Eight?"

"At least my comeback isn't about your lame comeback. Well, now it is. Fuck."

"You're digging yourself into a deeper hole."

"And you're just a fake member of Dessie's Cult!"

Boss laughed. "Whatever you say, Mr. President Sir."

"I could beat your face in right now if I wanted to!"

"Dessie," said Sasori. "You should probably do something before they destroy the bar."

"Why?"

"Oh yeah? You want to try it?"

Hidan reached for his scythe. "I'm not paying for the cleaning fees when your blood is smeared all over the fucking walls."

Sasori shrugged. "Because when they destroy the bar we can't drink anymore."

"Maybe it'll be your blood – then you'll pay!"

"Oh right."

I got up, grabbed them both my the hair and smashed their foreheads together. When I let go they both fell back into their seats, disoriented and rubbing their heads.

"Hidan. Stop."

"Why me?" asked Hidan.

"Boss is our host," I said. "He can do whatever the fuck he wants."

Hidan lowered his voice and mumbled something that vaguely resembled "Jashin can do whatever the fuck he wants."

"Don't Jashin into this," I snapped. "The god has better things to do than protect your manhood… Not that it was much of a manhood anyways."

"Hey! Don't fuck with my manhood!" Hidan paused. "Aw shit."

I doubled over, clutching my stomach, and trembled with uncontained laughter. "That's great. Hidan's true genius at work here." I giggled. 'Sorry, my precious Zombie Whore – it's a little too late for me to _not_ fuck around with your manhood."

"Hold it! Hold it!" cried Boss, jumping to his feet – knocking the table and causing a bottle to crash to the floor. "What is this about fucking!"

"You didn't know?" asked C-Deidara. "Hidan and Dessie have slept together. Doesn't matter to me. Virgins are annoying. The more experience the better."

Aram kindly hit C-Deidara over the head for me. "What Dessie and Hidan do behind closed doors in none of our business."

"It should be your business," muttered C-Deidara. "Aren't you her lover?"

"Oh right…" Aram's eyes suddenly teared up and he stared at me in horror. "Dessie… Love… How could you do this to me? After everything we've been through… And then you run off with some Zombie Whore who means nothing to you. Sure, you met him before you even knew me, but you think you'd have the ability to see into the future and know that an amazing lover like me was just around the corner."

I flipped him off.

"She slept with me because she loves me!" Hidan shouted, grabbing Boss by the shirt collar. "You're just some shithead she can use to her advantage!"

"We have something deep!"

"Learn your place!"

I sighed. "Not again."

And then I kicked them. On the backswing, my foot hit Boss in the jaw and in the arc, it struck Hidan right between the eyes.

"Screw this," I said. "The Cult of Dessie is formally disbanding. You all are too much fucking trouble." Then I sat down and helped myself to another bottle of sake.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: WHEW! Spent all afternoon yesterday at Jazz Fest listening to the Foo Fighters LIVE! AMAZING! Sorry I couldn't update before now, my internet was out at my house. I had to make a quick drive to Starbucks last night so I could have internet to do my homework. But now I'm at school and I can update for all my adorably cute fans! I'll try and update sooner as well, but only if you all REVIEW. **

**REVIEW OTHERWISE DESSIE WILL THINK YOU TRIED TO MESS WITH HER SAKE AND UNLEASH THE HORRORS OF THE EX-CULT OF DESSIE ON YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA **


	56. True Love For The Win

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Kate and Kisame suspect a romance between the head monk, Hiroba, and rumor monger, Gang, while they stay at the Temple of Four.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Six: True Love For The Win<strong>

**Kate**

The monks had been kind enough to find us an empty room for Leader to conduct our meeting. After Zetsu searched for any possible spies, we settled down in our seats around a square table and turned to face Leader.

"I have some news," said Leader gravely.

"Well, duh," said Kisame. "We kind of figured. Why else would we be here?"

"Tobi has to pee."

Leader closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "Can't a criminal mastermind do anything these days without having his motives questioned?"

"But I'm not questioning your motives," said Kisame. "I'm just pointing out that they're obvious…"

I elbowed Kisame in the ribs. He glanced at me and I cupped my mouth in my hand, whispering, "I'd shut up right now before Leader decapitates you and puts your head on a spike."

Kisame's eyes shifted towards Leader, who was burning with rage – so much so that I could have sworn he was smoking – and nodded. "Safe and mute."

"So," I said, leaning forward with feigned enthusiasm. "What's the news?"

"You're such a suck up," said Felix.

"Shush."

"But in reality you think Leader is a fucking douche."

I slapped a hand over my mouth. Too late. Damage done. Thank you, Felix. Leader is now going to murder me alive.

To everyone's surprise, Leader did not kill me on the spot. Instead, he breathed in a deeply and said, "Anyways."

"What is this?" asked Felix. "A sign of the apocalypse."

Leader gritted his teeth. "The moment we leave this fucking temple I expect that alter personality of Kate's to be gone. If I so much as hear one more thing out of Felix – I will rip out Kate's tongue and boil it for dinner."

I kept my mouth clamped shut.

"Good. Now. Where was I?"

"News…" said Zetsu.

"Tobi needs to pee."

"Alright. Well, I've heard back from Konan and Kakuzu," said Leader.

"How are they doing?" asked Kisame. "I bet they've both failed miserably at their tasks."

"After the three hours long rant from Konan about how Dessie and Hidan are made for one another and Boss, C-Deidara, and Aram have no right to interfere – we finally go to the point."

"Sounds like Konan."

"Yep."

Leader nodded wearily. "Apparently Dessie has captured the heart of the Boss of the Okensai and he is putty in her hands. She used her influence of Boss to capture the Ikustaka and have them killed. Except for Aram who decided to join our side. Oh and Dessie momentarily formed her own cult – but she got fed up with the guys fighting over her and disbanded it."

"Her own cult? Her ego must be huge," said Kisame. "Why'd she disband her own cult?"

"They threatened the sake."

"Oh."

"So Dessie somehow managed to gain control of the Okensai and they're staying there for the time being until I actually give them orders," said Leader. "So far I've been ignoring them."

"Why?" asked Zetsu.

"Tobi _really_ needs to pee."

"Because Hannah, Kakuzu, and Deidara have not only found the Ring of Four, but Deidara has become the leader of the Kikensai."

Kisame choked on air – coughing and spluttering and spluttering and coughing. I patted him on the back.

"Deidara? Leader? Of the Kikensai?" Kisame laughed harder. "They're doomed. They're all doomed. And I thought the Okensai had it bad."

"Apparently Deidara killed the previous Kikensai leader, which automatically makes him the next leader," said Leader.

Zetsu cackled.

"What?"

"Think about it," he said. "Deidara the leader of the Kikensai and Dessie in control of the Okensai…"

Kisame tipped his head back and joined the laughter. "So this is why Leader hasn't given them any instructions."

Leader grinned demonically. "Don't you think it'd be funny?"

"Funny?" I repeated blankly.

"Okensai versus Kikensai," said Kisame. "Dessie versus Deidara."

"Oh !" I cried. "Seanova is doomed."

"Exactly," said Leader cheerfully. "And now I think it's time for us to leave the Temple of Four. We should go watch the destruction of Seanova properly."

"Only if we get popcorn," said Kisame.

"Can Tobi use the bathroom?"

"So we're leaving soon then?" asked Zetsu. "When should we be ready by?"

"As soon as possible," said Leader. "The Okensai and the Kikensai are about to have their annual meeting to discuss the affairs of Seanova. We want to arrive in time for that – otherwise we'll miss their first meeting."

"That would be terrible," agreed Kisame. He glanced sidelong at me. "What do you think, Kate?"

I kept my mouth clamped shut and shook my head. I must protect my tongue from Leader at all costs.

"Look at this," said Kisame, rounding on Leader. "You've scared her into silence."

"Apparently I've scared Felix into silence too," said Leader, sounding quite pleased.

I fastened my hand over my mouth before Felix could spew out another of his 'witty' comebacks. Silence is good. Silence is golden – it saves lives. Especially my life.

"Even Felix is afraid of the mighty Leader-sama," said Leader proudly.

"You're so full of it…" muttered Kisame.

"Excuse me?" said Leader. "Did the fake shark over there say something?"

"You heard me."

"I did? I'm not quite sure. It sounded like you said something that might cause you to lose a testicle or two."

"TOBI REALLY NEEDS TO PEE!"

…

Leader blinked and stared at the orange masked man sitting at the far end of t he square table. "Um… We're not a daycare – Tobi is a good boy. He can go to the bathroom whenever he wants."

Tobi didn't need to b told twice. He leapt to his feet and made a beeline for the door, slamming it vehemently behind him.

"Well," said Leader. "That was interesting. What were we arguing about again?"

"No idea," said Kisame, shrugging.

I sighed. Tobi, the best peacemaker this world has ever known.

* * *

><p>Leader informed Hiroba of our plans to leave that very afternoon. I wasn't allowed to go with Leader and Zetsu because I was considered "too dangerous" with Felix inside of me.<p>

So instead, Kisame and I finished packing up before heading downstairs. We lounged about in a small living room with the luggage while Tobi fooled around in the kitchen and Leader and Zetsu dealt with the Head Monk of All Things Square.

"I don't like having a split personality," I announced. "It makes people dislike me."

Kisame shrugged. "You can't help it that your split personality is a homosexual douchebag – well, maybe you can help the douchebag part."

"Thanks," I muttered. Then, I paused. "Speaking of homosexuals – if we leave today, we won't have time to perfect the love of Gang and Hiroba."

"Aw, damn," said Kisame. "They had so much potential for a perfect love."

"We haven't left yet," I said.

"Come on," said Felix. "We have to make them pay for being assholes to us."

Kisame gasped. "Felix! You don't understand the point of the Love Guru! The Love Guru has no ulterior motives except to spread the love to everyone and everything!"

"What a load of bullshit," said Felix. "If you really cared, you'd be more careful about the relationships you chose – do you think Gang and Hiroba really love each other?"

"Felix!" I cried. "That's horrible! Why would we do that if they didn't love each other?"

Felix laughed. "Because you're an insane criminal and his whore."

Kisame paused to think about it. "He has a point…"

"Kisame!"

"Kidding, kidding," said Kisame quickly. "Besides if you were my whore, you would have slept with m already. How long to I have to wait before you're ready?"

I buried my face in my hands and shook my head. "I can't wait until we leave this place. Felix, _go away_."

He grinned. "Never, Love, this is just too much fun."

"Whoa," said Kisame. "Did Felix just call you 'love'? Is there something kinky going on between you two?"

I screamed and covered my ears. "Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images. Bad mental images."

"This is ridiculously funny," said Kisame.

"I know," said Felix. "I have so much fun teasing her."

"Me too," said Kisame. "It makes her so adorable."

Felix snorted. "You're such a sadist."

"Hey," said Kisame. "No matter what you hope, I am not being your seme."

"What do I look like to you?" Felix paused and glanced down at my hands. "Scratch that. What do I sound like to you? A uke? Fuck no."

"True," said Kisame. "Go find your own uke. Actually – don't. That'd be really creepy. Using Kate's body for your homosexual activities."

"Actually," said Felix. "Wouldn't they be straight activities, since Kate's a woman."

"This is too confusing," said Kisame.

"My brain hurts," I moaned.

The door to the living room opened. Kisame and I turned to see who it was and Tobi poked his head in through the kitchen (who knows what he was doing in there). Leader and Zetsu walked in – followed by two all too familiar faces.

"What are they doing here!" asked Kisame.

"Hiroba insists we bring them with us," said Leader. "To make sure we protect the interests of the great god Four. May I introduce you to C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji."

"Ah-hem," said C-Shikamaru, coughing loudly. "It's just Shikamaru. I don't know where the C comes from."

Leader glared at C-Shikamaru, but said nothing. I blinked and stared, wide-eyed, at the pineapple-styled hair of C-Shikamaru and the chubby, round body of C-Chouji.

"I will never get over this," I said.

"I'll say," said Felix. "And to think I saw enough of Fatso and Lazy-Ass back in the Fence."

"You didn't exist in the Fence," said Kisame.

At the mention of 'fat', tears sprung to C-Chouji's eyes and he sniffles. "That's not very nice…"

"Oh God," said Felix. "He's a wimp now, too."

I sighed. "Could my split personality be any more of a jerk?"

"Nope," said Kisame cheerfully.

Leader sighed. "Can we just get out of here before Felix drives me insane?"

"Right!" Kisame hopped t his feet and picked up our belongings. A couple of hand signs and the luggage disappeared into some unknown place where they could be summoned at any time (which certainly made travelling lighter).

C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji led the way out of the temple with the rest of us trailing behind – Leader, Zetsu, and Tobi in the lead with Kisame, Felix, and I at the bag. We lagged behind, our eyes scanning the monks who wandered about the temple grounds. Felix's eyes fell on Gang, who was watering some flowers, and he elbowed Kisame in the ribs excitedly. Kisame nodded once and, while Felix snuck off in the direction of Gang, Kisame headed somewhere else.

"Gang!" I cried, as I approached the monk. "How are you…?"

Gang paused in his work and raised his dark brown eyes to meet mine. "Hello? Can I help you?"

"We're leaving," I said.

"Yes."

Silence stretched between us and I was overwhelmed with the lack of anything to say. My mouth moved soundlessly, but nothing came to mind. "Um… Er… Well, Gang…"

"You're fucking lame," said Felix. "You're supposed to ask him if he's gay for Hiroba."

Gang dropped the water can.

"Well then," I said. "Why don't you just ask him – since it's so much easier for you!"

"I will!"

Gang's face was a vivid shade of purple.

"Gang," said Felix. "Are you gay for Hiroba?"

He blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. His face was transforming from purple to green and then to white. "Where did you hear such bullshit?" asked Gang.

"We knew," said Felix. "Shrugging. It was obvious."

"It's a lie! A lie!"

"It's okay," I said, patting Gang on the shoulder. "Hiroba has the same feelings for you."

Gang pushed my hand away. "Get away from me, _bitch_. You're a female – I know you're a female. I don't know how you deceived Hiroba, but you can't deceive me – you're a woman!"

"Fuck that," said Felix. "_I'm_ not a woman."

"He's a homosexual in a woman's body," I explained.

Gang blinked. "Isn't that all women?"

"That's not true!" I cried. "What about the straight men trapped in women's bodies? They deserve credit too!"

Gang's mouth moved soundlessly, trying to form words, but he was too bemused to think (at least that's what I think had him so silent). Thankfully, he was saved from coherent thought by the arrival of Kisame. And Hiroba.

"What's going on? I thought you were leaving!" cried Hiroba as Kisame dragged him across the ground, grinning demonically and laughing.

"Over here!" I said, waving.

Hiroba's eyes fell on me, and then slid to the stunned face of Gang. Hiroba screamed.

"What are you trying to do! What are you psychopaths trying to do!"

"We're not psychopaths," said Kisame. "I'm the Love Guru and she's my precious She-Cupid."

"Isn't that the same thing!"

Kisame pushed Hiroba towards Gang and – grinning – said, "Now tell each other you love each other and we're all good."

Hiroba pushed Gang away and cried, "What are you on about!"

Kisame frowned. "Do you have to be so difficult?"

"Yes!" snapped Hiroba. "I _don't_ know what you're talking about."

A crowd of monks had begun to gather around us, watching the whole spectacle rather curiously. A couple of them snickered and I supposed our hunch wasn't the only one.

"Fine," said Kisame. He reached for his sword and pointed the spiky thing right as Hiroba's throat. "Confess your love for Gang or I'll kill you."

Hiroba turned as white as a sheet. "You don't mean that…"

Kisame nicked Hiroba's shoulder with the sword, which ended up as more of a gaping wound. "Who says I don't mean it?"

"Hiroba!" cried Gang, rushing to the other monk's side. "Are you alright!"

"Ah-ha!" cried Kisame. "You see! That is a deep and intangible love! Now confess your feelings for each other before I decide to rip open Hiroba's other shoulder."

Gang's mouth dropped open. He stared at Kisame. Then at the sword. He closed his mouth and sighed. "Fine. Hiroba. I'm deeply in love with you. I have been in love with you for years."

Hiroba, who looked like a ghost, inches from death, stammered, "M-m-me too."

"There we go," said Kisame with a huge grin. "All lovey dovey again."

Felix cackled. "The full power of the Love Guru and his She-Cupid!"

And with that the three of us – two of us – hurried after the rest of the Akatsuki. It was time to blow this popsicle stand.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm disappointed in 83% of you. Out of 285 hits only 20 people reviewed. WTF! Shame on you. Kate is disappointed in you. Hannah is irritated with you. And Dessie is just pissed off. Shame on the 83%. Did you forget our promise? I will finish by June 1 and you will review like crazy. I have... *quickly checks plan* twenty-six more chapters to write... Aww shit. I'd better get moving. BUT I WILL FINISH ON TIME! Provided you all REVIEW. You will love the next chapter. I haven't actually written it yet, but you will love it - because something exciting is going to happen. But first -REVIEW OR FACE FELIX'S RAGE!**

**(Also, new poll - for the fun of it!)**


	57. Love Is In The Air

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Deidara is now the leader of the Kikensai. **_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Seven: Love Is In The Air<strong>

**Hannah**

"I don't like being leader."

I sighed as yet another Kikensai client left, disgruntled. "You can't tell them all that explosives are the only way to rule and they should learn to solve their own problems."

"Why not?" asked Deidara. "It would make everything so much easier."

We were sitting in the great hall, once again. This time Deidara had set up targets and kept throwing clay darts that explode on impact. Tattered pieces of targets lay scattered about on the stone floor. On the bright side, Deidara's explosions scared away some of the people who came to us with their problems – which meant I didn't have to listen to "Blow them all to smithereens" quite as often.

"You know," I said. "You don't have to do this."

"Really? Uhn. Then we can leave the Kikensai?"

"No."

Deidara looked positively crestfallen.

"But," I continued. "You can appoint someone else to do this boring job."

Deidara stopped half way through throwing a dart. He paused and considered the suggestion. "That's not a bad idea, uhn. Go tell Kakuzu he's been promoted."

"Kakuzu?" I repeated. "Why Kakuzu?"

"Because I'm still pissed at him for betraying us, uhn. I can't think of a better torture than this."

I rolled my eyes and, having resolved that problem, Deidara returned to trying to blow up the targets. I left him to his extremely important task and decided I should warn Kakuzu of his impending doom. There was, of course, only one place Kakuzu could be: the treasury.

After Deidara had gained control of the Kikensai, the first thing Kakuzu did was inspect the treasury. It was full. Full to the brim with gold and silver and other valuable trinkets that Shang undoubtedly stole. Kakuzu was in money-grubber heaven. He spent most of his time in the treasury now, hoarding the gold and refusing to let anyone (even Deidara who was not to be trusted with explosives and money) near it. I was the exception. As his partner in crime, he had to allow me access – otherwise he'd find himself missing a few brain cells.

I pushed open the steel door to the treasury (Kakuzu never locked the door since everyone was too terrified of him to come anywhere close to the treasury) and stepped into the lush room, filled with glittering gold. Kakuzu was sitting at the back – behind a wardrobe of silken dresses – counting the contents of a chest of gold coins.

I wove through the piles and mounds of riches, pausing to examine an emerald studded crown before plopping myself in a bronze chair beside Kakuzu.

"Having fun?" I asked.

"You have no idea."

"I can imagine."

Kakuzu paused in his counting to spare me a skeptical look. "Money's only important to you because it means you've scammed someone else to get it."

"Ouch," I said. "That's harsh."

"But true."

I shrugged, "Oh. By the way, Deidara fails at being a leader so he's unloaded all his problems onto you – congrats, you got a promotion!"

Kakuzu glared. "And I don't suppose you would have recommended the promotion to him."

"Perhaps."

"Evil woman."

"I can't help it," I said shrugging. "It's funny to see people's suffering faces, they always look so surprised… Does this make me a criminal?"

"Yes, you're the baddest girl around." Kakuzu pushed a stack of ten coins to the side.

"You know that could be taken in a really kinky way," I said.

"But you're not Dessie, so you're not going to make a stupid joke about it."

I shrugged. "I could pretend to be Dessie." I crossed my arms, tilted my head to the side and said, "Oh my Jashin, you fucker – I'm not just the _baddest_ girl around, I'm the shit-damn-naughtiest girl around. And don't you forget it."

"That was frighteningly good."

"I've had years of practice."

"Mmm."

We sat in silence for a moment. Kakuzu continued counting his coins – almost oblivious to my existence. I plucked the gold and emerald crown off its perch and balanced it on the palm of my hand.

"Can you do impressions?" I asked.

Kakuzu snorted.

"Itachi?" I guessed.

He rolled his eyes in my direction. "Fuck off bitch or Jashin is will smite you where you stand and you will spend eternity in Jashin's divine stomach being slowly digested!" Kakuzu tipped his head back and laughed maniacally.

I grinned. "Hidan. Add a few more 'fuck's and 'shit's and it'd be perfect."

"Your turn."

"I already did Dessie."

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow in my direction.

"Fine, fine." I bit my lip, and then a slow grin spread across my face. "Oh. My. Pain. Dessie and Hidan were a match made in heaven! Even a thousand pieces of paper could not be filled to describe the perfection of their love!"

Kakuzu shuddered. "Fan girl Konan." He paused to finish a stack of ten coins and then stood up. He clapped his hands together, giggled, and cried, "Tobi loves his nunu! Will Hannah-Nunu play with Tobi!" Kakuzu skipped in a circle. "Tobi needs flowers! Tobi wants to make a flower crown for Hannah-Nunu! Will Dessie-Nunu like a flower crown as well?"

I was doubled over with laughter as Kakuzu came to a halt, the joyous face replaced with a scowl.

"Damn," I said. "I didn't have a video camera ready."

"Good," said Kakuzu. "Because I'd break your arm if you did… and the camera too."

"It's nice to know breaking my arm is your first priority," I said. "Oh – I got one." I straightened up, putting the crown on my lap as I stared vehemently at Kakuzu. "Should we eat you? I think we should. We don't know. Maybe. We're hungry enough. Not we're not. We just think we are. We're right. Right, we are." I laughed. "We are so clever. We are. We are. But should we eat him?"

"Shut up. Zetsu."

"You know you thought it was hilarious."

Kakuzu glared at me.

"You're laughing on the inside," I said, running my fingers along the edge of the crown.

"You forgot the part where he's unsure if you love him or not even though you're his wife." Kakuzu plucked another gold piece from the chest and inspected it carefully.

"Why do you have to ruin everything?" I asked, adding a heavy sigh. "My love life is this giant pile of horse shit."

"Horse shit?"

"Too generous? Should I describe it more as a giant implosion of nonsensical and complicated feelings that I don't really care about?"

Kakuzu snorted. "And you're ranting about this to me, why?"

"Because you're like me," I said.

"A sadistic woman who enjoys others sufferings?"

"Well… you have the apathetic, I-don't-care-about-your-shit thing going for you."

Kakuzu counted out another stack of ten. "True. Fine. Lay your love problems on me. Chances are I won't be listening."

"Oh good," I muttered. "You're the one who brought it up."

"Talk."

"Fine. Zetsu thinks he's my husband."

"He is your husband."

"Yeah, but no one actually cares… except him."

"Only when we can tease him about it," said Kakuzu. "Or tease Deidara about it."

I grinned. "That's always funny. And then they get into giant fights and try to gouge each others eyes out."

"S and M?"

"Shut up. So where was I? Zetsu. Husband. Too clingy – way to clingy. And he's a cannibal. I don't do cannibalism."

"So Zetsu's a no?"

"Could you imagine marrying a cannibal – there'd be some dinner issues."

Kakuzu shrugged. "I live with a cannibal. How much of a difference can there be?"

"You don't have to make out with a guy you just live with."

"Oh right." Kakuzu paused. "That time you and Zetsu got married… We never asked, though we talked about it all the time behind your back – did you and Zetsu do it?"

"You talked about it behind my back?'

"Don't avoid the question."

I threw my hands up in the air exasperatedly. The crown slid off my lap and I caught it with my foot before it could hit the ground.

"Nice catch."

"No."

"No?"

I kicked the crown in the air, hoping it would hit him in the eye. He caught it easily. "No what?"

"No, we didn't sleep together. I think we might have made out though – it's in the suppressed memory file."

Kakuzu inspected the crown carefully. "This is really valuable."

"Way to pay attention to my problems."

"Money is more important."

I grinned "Yeah. But this money isn't going anywhere, so we can talk about my problems for now."

"Fine. So Zetsu is a no. Who's next? Deidara?"

"He kissed me."

"Really? So he finally grew some balls."

"Charming. Yes. It was while you were passed out drunk."

"Smart move on my part."

I leaned back in the chair and drummed my fingers on the bronze arm rest. "So he likes me to."

"That uhnner."

"I can't like an uhnner. That's just…wrong."

\ Kakuzu considered it for a second and then nodded. "You're right. An uhnner and a sadist would be a terrible pair. He's your bitch. He can't be anything other than that." Kakuzu paused. "What about Sasori?"

I stared. And stared. Then tipped my head back and let out a laugh.

"You've got to be kidding me."

Kakuzu shrugged. "Maybe. He probably has some massive club of fan girls somewhere who like the crazy puppeteer type."

"Yeah. I don't see the attraction." I resumed drumming the chair with my fingernails. "What about you? Who's your deep love?"

"Money."

I grinned. "Besides money."

"Ways to get money."

I rolled my eyes. "What about Ms. Wendy? I thought you had a thing for her."

"She was a way to get money," said Kakuzu firmly.

"Right," I said. "She inherited Dessie's giant fortune when Dessie didn't need it anymore."

Kakuzu shook his head in mute horror. "I don't get it. She had all that money… and then she just _gave it away_. All that money…" A deep shudder ran across his body and he twitched uncomfortably. "All that money."

"Dessie's never cared about that stuff. She just cares about beauty and strength."

"Crazy bitch."

"Yep."

The silence returned between us and Kakuzu resumed his money counting. I watched him for a second. The gold and emerald crown was still clutched in his hand.

"Can I see that crown?" I asked.

He didn't even glance back as he tossed the cross to me. I caught it lightly and examined the glittering emeralds carefully. They reflected the dim light of the treasury room and projected my distorted face back at me. I stuck my tongue out.

"What are you doing?"

I glanced up. Kakuzu's back was still turned. "How do you know I'm doing anything?"

"Because you're you. It's suspicious."

I shrugged. "It's sadly true." I paused. "So, your ideal woman is one with lots of money?"

"Yep."

I bit my lip. A wry smile melted across my face and, lightly, I picked up the crown and dropped it on my head. It pressed through my long brown hair against my skull.

"I now own this crown," I announced. "I'm rich. Now you can date me."

Kakuzu glanced at me over his shoulder. He raised one eyebrow skeptically, and then shrugged. "Sure."

I almost dropped the crown.

"What?"

"You said we can date. Sure. Whatever. You're only asking to solve you love triangle problems."

I pulled the crown off my head. "Well, yeah. I wasn't serious."

"Of course not. You'll never be as rich as Ms. Wendy."

"Well excuse me for not having a weird rich brat for a boss."

"It's okay," said Kakuzu. "I'm agreeing to date you despite your poverty – you should be complimented."

I scoffed. "So why am I not jumping for joy?"

"I don't know. I don't understand the minds of poor people."

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><p><strong>AN: Review. Love you all.**


	58. In True Yakuza Style

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**The Boss of the Okensai has fallen in love with Dessie. Konan, Itachi, Sasori, Hidan, and Dessie remain with the Okensai until they receive further directions from Leader.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Eight: In True Yakuza Style<strong>

**Dessie**

I stood in front of the mirror and twirled. Once. Twice. Three times. Just to make sure I got the full effect.

"Hidan?" I said, my voice almost sing-song. "What do you think?"

"You look stupid."

"Shut up. Who asked your opinion?" I twirled again and ran my fingers over the soft material. "I think it looks fantastic."

Hidan was sitting cross-legged in front of the door, arms folded and a scowl to scare puppies fixed on his face. I had been playing dress up all morning with the clothes Boss had brought me, and, for the fun of it, I dressed Hidan in the traditional Japanese yakuza attire – black pants and an open shirt, I'd even found some fake tattoos to stick on his back and arms and chest. He looked absolutely perfect for the role of my bodyguard – not that the asshole appreciated it.

"You're so ungrateful," I told him.

"You look like a whore."

"I look like a boss's wife."

"It's the same fucking thing."

I turned to Hidan and pulled on of my spikes out. I pointed it at his head and said, "Hidan, you had better tell me I'm hot or I will sever your head from your body and hide it where you can't find it!"

Hidan snorted. "I am my head. How can I not find myself? Stupid bitch."

"Fine," I snapped. "I'll hide your body then."

"As if you could."

"Watch me, shithead."

Before Hidan and I could get into yet another fight, the door to the room slid open and Konan, following by a grumpy Sasori and an emotionless Itachi, entered the room. Konan took one look at me and a wide smile spread across her face.

I was wearing a long, traditional purple kimono with my hair pulled up by chop sticks. I looked sexy and badass – if I do say so myself. (And if Hidan tells you otherwise, ignore him).

"Dessie, you look so gorgeous!" cried Konan.

"I know."

"And vane," added Hidan. "Let's not forget vane."

"Shut up – no one cares what you have to say." I aimed a kick at Hidan's head, which he easily dodged. "I actually really like this kimono," I said, inspecting the sleeves. "I can see where Yuriko was coming from – I feel so _hot_. The kimono emphasizes the breasts."

Sasori slapped his hand to his forehead and sighed. "Trust Dessie to think it."

"Hey," I said. "Hannah has the same habit!"

"It's a habit everyone has around you," said Itachi.

I grinned. "I'm just that inspirational."

"Sure…"

Konan inspected Hidan's clothes carefully, prodding one of the exposed tattoos on his arm. "Are these real?"

"Hell no," snapped Hidan.

"He didn't want to get real ones," I said, sighing.

"Because they look stupid."

"They make you look like a real yakuza," I said, clapping my hands together and twirling on the spot. "Tattooed and fierce – you could almost be my real bodyguard."

"You don't need a bodyguard," said Sasori. "You're immortal."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious," I said flatly.

"I think it's romantic," said Konan. "A beautiful woman, promised to the Boss of a yakuza group, but she's secretly in love with her devoted bodyguard."

"It's not really a secret," said Sasori.

"I'm not really devoted," said Hidan.

"Maybe it's a secret that you're not really devoted," I said thoughtfully.

"Or that I'm not really your bodyguard."

"Oh!" I cried. "That sounds intense! A yakuza boss's woman who pretends to have a bodyguard who people think is in love with her, but in actuality they hate each other and he's only pretending to be her bodyguard."

"Why is he pretending to be your bodyguard?" asked Konan.

I shrugged. "Because it's funny."

"That's a terrible reason."

Before I could come up with an insanely witty retort (you know it was coming), the door to the room slid open again and Boss came racing in. He screeched to a halt when he caught sight of me and, mouth hanging open, his eyes flicked over me.

"Damn," he said, nodding his approval. "You're hot."

"I know," I said. "Do you like my bodyguard?"

Boss didn't even glance in Hidan's direction. "Sure."

"I designed his outfit."

Boss turned to survey Hidan and then turned back to me. "He looks like a real wild yakuza rebel."

"I know!" I cried excitedly. "I so have yakuza fashion sense down."

"Deep, deep down," said Hidan.

"What do you know about yakuza fashion sense?" snapped Boss. He glared daggers at Hidan for a few seconds and then inched closer to Dessie, his right hand seeking something.

"Absolutely nothing," said Hidan proudly.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore!" I snapped, slapping Boss's hand away in the process. He looked practically dejected.

"Anyways," said Boss, massaging his hand. "So I received a message from the Kikensai. According to some bitch who sounded like she would rather torture me with railroad spikes than actually talk to me, invited me to a meeting with the new Kikensai leader."

"New Kikensai leader?" repeated Itachi.

"The Kikensai have a rule that tthe strongest must lead. Apparently someone defeated Shang and now the Kikensai is under new management."

"Shang?"

"He was the old leader," said Boss. "A crazy psychopath who liked the guillotine a little too much."

"The guillotine?" I said with a laugh. "Isn't that a little old fashioned? Who would actually die by guillotine?"

"Dessie," said Konan with a sigh. "Nothing can kill you."

"Yeah, but a guillotine is especially pathetic."

"Well, it doesn't matter now," said Boss. "The new leader can't be much worse than Shang."

"Oh it could be worse," said Sasori. "It could be some psychopathic nutjob who thinks it's funny to kill people in the most gruesome ways – _and _who has no idea how to rule."

"I have the feeling that was a prophecy of some sort," said Konan wearily.

"Doom and destruction?" I asked excitedly.

"Will there be death?" asked Hidan.

"And blood?"

"And guts? I really like it when the guts spill out."

"That's the best part!" I cried, grinning at Hidan. "And then you can find fun ways to play with them."

"While the sacrifice is still alive?"

"Of course."

We both snickered, wide grins spreading across our faces. Hidan was fingering his scythe. I clenched my fists, trembling with anticipation.

"Jashin-sama will be appeased," said Hidan.

"I can't wait!" I wailed. "Can we just go kill people now?"

"Let's."

We both turned towards the door, drawing our weapons, when Boss stepped in front of us, his face split into a malicious glare.

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice deep and deadly.

"Killing spree," said Hidan innocently.

"You're going to just walk out of here," said Boss. "On a killing spree. _With my woman._"

"Yeah," said Hidan, tilting his head to the side and smirking. "You got a problem with that?"

"It's the same as having an affair!"

"Wait!" I said, raising a hand in the universal symbol for 'stop'. "How is murdering a bunch of people the same thing as having sex?"

"It's… it's…" Boss hesitated. "They're both… intimate."

I slapped my hand to my forehead and sighed. "Why are all the men attracted to me idiots?" Then, I straightened up and punched Boss in the jaw. His eyes rolled backwards and he fell to the floor. I stepped over his body and turned to Hidan. "You coming?"

Hidan grinned. "Serves the fucker right."

"Shut up."

"Make me."

I drew one of my spikes and aimed it as his throat. "You want to try it?"

"What are you going to do? Kill me?"

"No, just cut out your vocal chords and hang them around my neck as a trophy."

"That's disgusting," said Konan.

"As if you could."

I lunged forward, spike aimed for his jugular. He caught my wrist and spun me around. My left leg swung up, catching him on the side of the head. He jerked backwards and grabbed hold of a knife from his side pouch. The knife jerked towards my throat.

Hidan tripped.

Or, more accurately, Boss tripped him.

Hidan let out a cry of surprise and, his arms still wrapped around me, we went crashing to the floor next to Boss.

"Ow…" I groaned. I tried to roll over but two arms hand me trapped. "Hey! Zombie Whore! Get your fucking hands off me!"

Hidan let out a low moan. "That fucking hurt…"

"No shit," I said, pushing his arms away. "Get off me."

He let me go and I staggered to my feet, brushing the mass of black hair out of my eyes. "Well that went well."

"You're an idiot," said Sasori helpfully.

"And you're an asshole," I said with a smile. "We all get along like that."

"So," said Konan with a sigh. "Now that we've gotten all our issues out of the way…"

"What issues?" asked Hidan.

"I don't have any issues," added Boss.

"…We should probably decide what to do next." Konan shot Hidan and Boss both glares of death before continuing. "Why does the Kikensai want to meet with us?"

"We have a peace treaty between the Kikensai and the Okensai," said Boss, getting back to his feet. "They probably want to reestablish the rules with the new leader."

"New rules are boring," I said.

"Mass carnage is better," agreed Hidan.

"Carnage?" said Sasori. "That's a big word for you."

While Hidan tried to lob off Sasori's head, I continued. "Why do we want peace with the Kikensai? We are yakuza – peace is _so_ not our style. We should fight and conquer until Seanova is our own!"

"But…" began Boss.

"No buts!" I cried, thrusting my index finger in his direction. "Are you a man or not? War and battle! I don't want a weak man who bends his knee to every wanna-be mob that comes our way! Conquer! Doom! Destruction! Death! Chaos! That is our war cry – everything else is just cowards' _shit_."

Boss stared at me, wide-eyed. For a moment, he was speechless. Then, his lips parted and he cried, "That's _my_ woman!"

"She's not your woman…" muttered Hidan irritably.

"Shut up," I said, punching Hidan in the temple.

"We will meet with the Kikensaim" said Boss, growing more and more confident by the second. "And when we do, we will run them to ruin on the battlefield."

I grinned. "And Jashin-sama will be appeased!"

Hidan blinked, rubbing his temple as he sat up. His eyes were filled with a mute awe as he gazed up at me. "You're doing this for Jashin-sama?"

Konan sighed and exchanged exasperated glances with Itachi.

"The Okensai is screwed."

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><p><strong>AN: Please don't kill me. I had an... eventful... week last week and had no time. 1) the literary and art magazine I an editor-in-chief of came out 2) I got a job 3) my love life is a mess (think along the lines of black hole of doom and despair). I think that's about right... Please don't kill me. **

**REIVEW OR HIDAN AND DESSIE WILL MASS MURDER THE LOT OF YOU (and you know they'd do it)**


	59. Cold, Heartless Meanies

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Leader, Kate, Kisame, Zetsu, and Tobi along with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji from the Temple of Four travel south to see the encounter between the Okensai and the Kikensai.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Nine: Cold Heartless Meanies<strong>

**Kate**

Why is it that every time the Akatsuki has nothing better to do – they go out drinking? Literally. That's all we ever seem to do in order spare time. Drink, kill people, drink, steal, drink, pull scams, drink, kill more people, drink, plot to take over the world, drink, kill a few more people, and then end the day with a good old drink. (I'm not exaggerating here).

So, after departing from the Temple of Four with our two _good_ friends C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji, Leader headed straight for the nearest town where we settled down for the night and had a drink. The next day, we slept in because everyone had a hangover, and then left for the next town – which we arrived at, got drunk, hangover. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

We were on our fourth town in yet another bar when the event (now known as the Epiphany to the Cold Hearted Meanies). The scene begins with this: me, between a rock and a hard place. To my right, a drunk and perverted Leader. To my left, a drunk and perverted Kisame. I'll let you guess which one is the rock and which one is the hard place (and, no, I am not like Dessie and mean hard place in that kinky way). Basically, when Leader gets drunk, he gets gropy. And since I was the only female in the area, I was the prime groping target. Of course, Kisame (AKA the boyfriend) didn't like that. So while Leader kept trying to feel me up, Kisame kept swatting Leader's hands away and shouting violent death threats. Yep. Just another good old night out.

C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru sat across the table from us, shooting Kisame and Leader suspicious glances. Apparently such lecherous tendencies were exactly why the Temple did not allow women.

C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru were a funny pair. C-Chouji was, of course, on the chubby side, so he dieted constantly, refusing to eat anything until he felt faint and Kisame decided it would solve all our problems just to shove a chunk of cheese into C-Chouji's mouth every few hours. After several instances where teeth were lost, C-Chouji decided it would be better if he just ate. However, every night when went out drinking, C-Chouji would consume mass amounts of alcohol, and start eating like a food demon, so I don't really understand the point of dieting.

C-Shikamaru wasn't much better. He was, according the C-Chouji, a peace loving naturalist, who liked nothing more than to sit in the forest and call animals to him – except for deer. He hated deer. There was something creepy about their dearness that C-Shikamaru couldn't stand. C-Shikamaru was tolerable (albeit he drove Zetsu insane, preaching vegetarianism). And when he got drunk (Kisame forced C-Shikamaru to drink) he falls straight asleep. Creepy.

Leader's hand snuck onto my shoulder again and began sinking lower. I cringed away and seconds later Kisame karate chopped the hand.

"Don't touch me!" wailed Leader. His eyes started tearing up and, to comfort himself, he reached for another bottle of sake.

"Don't touch my girl!" snapped Kisame, his cheeks slightly pink. He wrapped one arm tightly around my shoulders, his hand sngearching for something.

"I have an idea," I squeaked. "How about neither of you touch me."

"But you're my girl," said Kisame, the corners of his mouth dropping down.

"Don't be so possessive," said Leader, slapping Kisame lightly on the shoulder. "What is yours is mine."

"No." Kisame took another long drink of alcohol.

I sunk further down in the seat, my face turning a brighter and brighter shade of red. Why must they always get drunk?

"No?" repeated Leader darkly. "Did you just say 'no' to a _god_?"

"Not this again…"

"I am _Pain_. I am _suffering_. I will rule this world with an iron fist, teaching misery and despair to those who don't understand it – and you _dare_ say no to _me_."

Kisame didn't answer, but instead called for another bottle of sake.

"Don't ignore me!" cried Leader, grabbing Kisame roughly by the shoulder. "That's worse than telling me 'no'."

Kisame pushed Leader's hand away.

"You fucking Fish Fry!"

Leader leaned over my lap and punched Kisame in the face. Kisame fell out of the booth and landed on the floor – the bottle of sake shattering beneath him.

Silence filled the bar. People turned to see what all the commotion was. Kisame got to his feet and tried to wipe the dripping sake off his clothes. When that failed miserably, he straightened up and stared at Leader.

"You're drunk."

Leader laughed. "Look who's talking!"

"At least I _know_ I'm drunk," said Kisame. "You need to calm down."

"Fuck you," said Leader. He got to his feet and pointed at Kisame. "You're not man enough to calm me down."

"That made no sense," said Kisame with a bellowing laugh.

"It made sense to me," snapped Leader. "And since I'm a god that's all that matters."

"Please don't declare yourself a god," I said softly. "We have enough gods to curse without you help. Jashin, Warg, the Great Plant King Zetsu, God himself…"

"Shut up," said Leader, flipping me off. "I don't pray to Jashin."

"Did you just give my girlfriend the finger and tell her to shut up?" asked Kisame.

Leader rolled his eyes in Kisame's direction and scoffed. "What's mine is yours, right?"

"Wrong."

And then Kisame punched Leader in the jaw. Leader flipped over the back of the booth and landed into the booth next to ours – on top of a group of bulky men. For a moment, no one dared to breathe. Then, one of the men got to his feet and said, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Shithead?"

"Don't talk to a god like that," said Leader.

The men smiled and proceeded to beat the stuffing out of poor, drunk Leader.

Zetsu, at least, decided to help Leader out and decided that he would eat Kisame if Kisame didn't save Leader. Next thing we know, Kisame and Leader are in a bar fight with a group of random strangers who look as though they could crush a man's skull with one hand. And it didn't help that Kisame and Leader where exceedingly drunk.

Zetsu happily took Kisame's place and sat next to me. I shifted further away from him, taking over Leader's seat at the table. I think the seat was going to a good cause – I would rather be trapped between a perverted Leader and a drunk Kisame than next to Zetsu. Even on Zetsu's best day.

"So, um," I said, fiddling with the sleeves of my jacket. "What's up?"

"We're hungry." Zetsu licked his lips.

I inched further away. "Yeah… I wonder if they have any good food here."

"We doubt it. It's a bar. All they serve is cheap crap."

"Cheap crap might taste good…" I murmured softly.

Zetsu raised the eyebrow on his black side skeptically. "We never settled for cheap crap. Only high quality humans can satisfy us."

"Of course." I hesitated and then added, "By the way, I think I fall under the category of 'cheap crap'."

Zetsu blinked. "We don't think you're cheap crap. You're a delicacy. Not as good a delicacy as Hannah, but certainly not cheap."

"Uh…" I shuddered. "Thanks, Zetsu. I think."

"You're welcome," said Zetsu cheerfully. He eyed the pretty barmaid carefully and said, "She might be yummy."

"Yeah, yeah," I said quickly. "She would make a great lunch. Or that fat man at the bar – he'd be really filling. Or maybe that couple in the corner. If you ate the girl, the guy might volunteer himself just so he can die with her." I paused and blinked. "Am I really selling off my own species to save myself from being eaten?"

"No," said Zetsu. "If you were selling them, we'd be paying you. You're just giving them away."

"That's very comforting."

"We're always glad to help."

I glanced around the bar to see if there were any other delicious people for Zetsu to eat instead of me. In the far corner a brightly colored orange mask caught my eye. I hesitated and then slid out of the booth.

"Where are you going?" asked Zetsu with semi curiosity.

"I'm going to go see what Tobi's up to."

"Oh," said Zetsu, immediately losing all interest. "Have fun."

I headed across the bar, weaving between the drunken chaos as some people placed bets on Kisame and Leader's bar fight. Tobi was at the back of the bar, almost hidden from view. I had barely reached him when Tobi clapped his hands together and cried:

"Kate! Kate wants to play Hide-And-Seek!"

"What?"

Tobi threw open the back door to the bar and sprinted outside. I stuck my foot between the door and the door frame before it could close properly.

"But I don't want to play tag!"

There was no response.

If I was any other member of the Akatsuki, I would turn around and let Tobi run around for several hours before he realized no one was playing tag with him. Unfortunately, I'm me. Which meant I stepped outside after Tobi and began the game of tag.

It didn't last long.

Tobi ran away from me for ten minutes, successfully and easily evading every Hide-And-Seek tactic I possessed. By the end of ten minutes, I could barely breathe and I was on the verge of collapse. Tobi simply giggled at my pain and then waltzed away, waiting for my next strike. I was almost ready to give in, when suddenly Tobi stopped moving at the edge of an alleyway. Gasping for air, I hobbled down the street and grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Tag!" I cried.

Tobi turned and, through his one visible eye, glared at me.

"Oh shoot," I said, immediately removing my hand and holding it away from me as if it were infested. "I didn't realize… I'm sorry… Um… Madara."

"Yeah." Madara turned back away from me.

"We were playing Hide-And-Seek," I explained.

"I know," said Madara flatly. "I see everything Tobi sees."

"Oh. Then you could've played along a little when I tagged you…"

Madara's red eye stared at me.

"It would have been nice…"

He continued to stare. He didn't blink.

"You know that's really creepy," I said, shuddering. "Could you… Could you look away?"

Madara turned away from me again, completely nonplussed by my reaction.

"You should stop stalking me," said Madara.

I sucked in my breath and scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"You keep showing up," said Madra. "You should just get over your crush on me – it will never amount to anything."

I balled up my fists. "Who says I have a crush on you?"

"It's obvious."

"Hardly! I have a boyfriend – a nice, albeit perverted, violent, drunken, boyfriend – I don't need you! Why would I like you? You… You're a jerk! You're a poopyhead! You walk around like you own the world, but in reality you're stuck inside the body of a hyperactive idiot who everyone enjoys to torment – what is so cool about that? Why would I like you? Kisame is way better. At least he is himself one-hundred percent of the time!"

"Yep," said Madara. "You definitely have a crush on me."

"Who could possibly like a cold, heartless meanie like you!"

Madara chuckled softly. "But you like cold, heartless meanies."

"That's not true!" I cried. "I liked Tobi for the longest time – and he is the farthest thing from a cold, heartless meanie!"

"That just means you like the other half of me as well as me – two men in one body – wouldn't you love it? And it's not like you're a stranger to split personalities. Isn't Felix a cold, heartless meanie too?"

I scowled. "Felix may be gay – but he's only gay for Kisame, jerk."

"I don't know," said Felix. "Show me Madara's face and I'll tell you who I'm gay for."

"Felix, go away!"

"He's gay for me," said Madara firmly. "Us cold, heartless meanies have an attraction for each other."

"You!" I bit my lip and, after a moment's consideration, I turned around and headed back to the bar. A few paces away, I turned back around to find Madara still watching me with his smug red eye. I raised my middle finger and pointed it at him.

"Fucking asshole," I said, and then left.

I told this story to Dessie and Hannah later, after the whole adventure was over. If I remember correctly, Dessie was impressed I had the guts to flip off Madara and Hannah was disappointed that I didn't get a video of him saying "cold, heartless meanies". Kisame, too, when I told him, couldn't believe Madara could ever say anything so humiliating as "cold, heartless meanies". But, dear readers, I assume you, this event did happen. Madara really did say that and, even more surprisingly, I had the guts to flip him off.

(Note: it was me and not Felix – don't believe him even if he tries to take credit.)

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><p><strong>AN: Yeah... That was my fault it took me so long to update. I got addicted to How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris is amazing! Just saying. **

**Review - or Madara will show you the true meaning of "cold, heartless meanies"**


	60. The Sadistic Queen

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Deidara has taken control of the Kikensai, but, while he attempts to rule (and fails at), he doesn't know that Kakuzu and Hannah have agreed to date (albeit jokingly). **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty: The Sadistic Queen<strong>

**Hannah**

Up and down. Up and down. Side to side. Right to left. Right to left. Side to side. Up and down. Up and down. Side to side. Right to left. Right to left. Side to side. Up and down. Up and down. Side to side. Right to left. Right to left. Side to side. Up and down. Up and down. Side to side. Right to left. Right to left. Side to side. Up and down. Up and down.

"Deidara," I finally said. "Stop pacing."

He stopped in the middle of the room, his wide blue eyes turned on me.

"If you so much as move another step, I will decapitate you," I said.

Deidara didn't move. He remained rooted to the middle of the bedroom, right next to the end of his gigantic four-poster bed with silken sheets. Kakuzu stood at the far end of the room, his half visible face furrowed in thought. He was leaning against the oaken dresser where all Deidara's new clothes were contained. Kakuzu's muscular arms were crossed over his chest, his biceps bulging. He looked menacing. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or he just naturally looked like that. Maybe I should ask him.

"So why are you so concerned?" I asked.

Deidara folded his arms and shook his head. "The Okensai."

"Them again?" I asked wearily. "What do they want?"

"A meeting," said Deidara. "In the neutral town of Rui in a week. The message just came this morning, uhn."

"Okay," I said. "Then go."

"I don't trust them, uhn."

"Why not?"

"Because," said Kakuzu with an exasperated sigh. "He heard rumors that the Boss of the Okensai has been bewitched by an evil, but irresistibly beautiful, gold-digging witch."

"Sounds frightening," I said. I turned back to Deidara. "You're afraid of _that_?"

"That's not how they said it, uhn," said Deidara. "According to the stories, she's a tall and elegant beauty of a woman with curves to die for and hair the color of the devil's heart. She pretends to be a seductive glory in the presence of the Boss, but in secret she practices witchcraft to dark evils and has captured the Boss under her spell. He is now entranced by her and unable to escape her chains – he even brings her to blood of handsome young men to bathe in so she may retain her beauty." Deidara shuddered. "You know I'm at the top of that list, uhn."

"Terrifying," I said. "I'm quaking in my boots."

"You're not wearing boots," said Kakuzu.

"My point exactly."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "The Okensai probably just want to talk territory and peace treaties. It's not like they're going to start an all out war – they're yakuza, they're not made for battle."

"Neither is the Kikensai," I said.

"I hate the tactical stuff, uhn," said Deidara. "Can I just blow them all to pieces?"

"No."

"Damn."

"So what do we want from the Okensai?" asked Kakuzu. "Money? Valuables?"

"Land?" I added.

"Who wants land?" asked Deidara.

"You can sell it," said Kakuzu.

"And it's easy to cheat people while you're selling off land," I said. "Like selling it off twice and all that good stuff – and long as you can dodge all the lawsuits and find a loophole or two."

"You've got this all figured out, haven't you?" said Kakuzu.

"Of course – what is the point of joining a second criminal organization except to broaden your horizons of how to cheat honest people out of their honest money?"

Kakuzu smirked. "Aren't you evil."

"Duh."

"You know," said Deidara, sitting back onto his red-silk bed. "I have to wonder, uhn. Who is more evil? You or Dessie?"

"Kate," I said firmly.

"Seriously, uhn," said Deidara.

"I _am_ serious."

"Hannah's eviler," said Kakuzu. "She can smile cheerfully as she tears a man's dreams to shreds and robs him of his fortunes. She devours the minds of hardworking men and then leaves them alive to wallowing in their own misery. Dessie kills men. Hannah destroys them."

Deidara shook his head. "Dessie. Hannah is terrible and frightening and amazing, uhn, but Dessie – she knows how to torture. She likes the experiment too. Have you ever watched one of Dessie and Hidan's experiments? They keep the son-of-a-bitch – or daughter-of-a-bitch – alive for as long as possible while experiment the best ways to cause not only physical pain, but mental pain as well – have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of someone as he watches his guts spill onto the floor and then fed to Zetsu, uhn?"

"Nope. But Hidan and Dessie's victims always die soon enough. Hannah leaves hers alive so that they must live for decades with the pain – either than or resort to suicide."

"Dessie can make pain so much that the victims experience it even after death, uhn!"

Kakuzu blinked. "And how would you know that?"

"Uhn…"

I sighed and tapped my right foot against the floor. "I maintain: Kate is the evilest of the three of us."

"And where do you figure that one?" asked Kakuzu irritably.

"Simple," I said. "She seems good. People hope she will always be as nice and compassionate as she seems, but in reality, she is just as cruel and cold-hearted as the rest of us. Between the choice of her own death and someone else's - she will always choose the someone else. Even if that someone is Kisame. Or one of us. And she has more potential to be evil than any of us, because she keeps her evilness pent up inside of her and its waiting to burst forth."

"That doesn't seem that evil, uhn," said Deidara.

I shrugged. "Wait. Just wait. One day you will see who is truly evil."

"I'm curious now," said Kakuzu. "You'll be video taping it, right?"

"Of course," I scoffed. "As if I would miss the opportunity to film Kate in the epitome of evil."

"It would be rather amusing," said Deidara thoughtfully.

"Speaking of amusing," I said. "Kakuzu – we have things to do."

Kakuzu pushed away from the dresser and walked across the room to stand beside me. "Now?"

"Of course."

"I'm lost," said Deidara. "What are you doing, uhn?"

"We have a date," I said. "We're going to go rob people of their money without them realizing."

Deidara blinked. "That's a date?'

"Yep."

"Why are you calling it a date? Don't you usually do that anyways, uhn?" He slowly rose from the bed and regarded us suspiciously (apparently even the slow Deidara could pick up on this one).

"Well," I said slowly, scuffing my foot against the wooden floor boards. "It's different because now we're dating."

Ah, readers, if only you could actually see Deidara's expression at that time – it was perfect. I don't know if I can describe it with justice, but I will do my best. He looked, I suppose, like a deer in headlights. His blue eyes got really wide – almost like saucers. He stared at me, his mouth hanging open like a fly catcher, his tongue lolling about in his mouth uselessly. His plate-like eyes flickered to Kakuzu and slowly, Deidara's mouth closed. He twitched, his left eye shuddering, and then moved his lips soundlessly. I don't know what he was saying, but I'd like to imagine it was something _really_ foul. Deidara's body started to spasm continuously and, finally, he grasped himself by the shoulders, wrapping his arms around his torso, and shook himself violently. When he was done, he staggered for a second and then straightened up. His eyes narrowed and he said:

"_Kakuzu, you low down fucker, I will burn you into hell. I will burn you so hard and so deeply that you will be nothing more than a brand on the fucking ground of hell. And I will follow you there so that in your afterlife I can cause you a million more pains that I can even think of at this moment, uhn. I will fucking screw you over so hard that you won't have the balls to scream anymore. You fucking eunuch_!"

Deidara leapt across the room and tackled Kakuzu to the floor. Kakuzu punched Deidara in the jaw and Deidara tumbled off of Kakuzu. Before Deidara could get back to his feet, Kakuzu jumped up. He kicked Deidara hard in the stomach and then turned and fled, sprinting away as fast as his excessively muscular legs could carry him.

A second later, Deidara was running as though hell itself was chasing him. He disappeared down the halls after Kakuzu, leaving me alone in Deidara's bedroom.

I considered it, for a moment. I could fall asleep here and let the boys figure out their own issues – the bed did look awfully comfortable. But, then, if I did fall asleep, I wouldn't be able to watch Deidara and Kakuzu try and beat each other to a state of near death. That would be disappointing.

With a sigh, I headed down the hall after them. It wasn't hard to figure out where'd they'd gone. There were huge chunks missing from the stone where they threw punches and bits of exploding clay. I followed the trail of mass destruction and arrived on the lower roof of the castle.

Deidara and Kakuzu were, expectedly, on the roof. And they had attracted quite the crowd of Kikensai soldiers. Deidara was on the back of one of his gigantic clay birds, a group of smaller bombs with wings circling around his obnoxiously blond head. Kakuzu was on the ground, his arms folded as his five black monsters with white masks stood behind him like a ominous army. Streaks of blackened rubble and pools of water lay on the ground between them.

"This looks serious," I said.

One of the Kikensai soldiers (I think his name was Naru) turned to stare at me. "You think? The leader and his right hand man are fighting!"

"Well, yeah," I said, shrugging. "That's normal. I'm more concerned about the building collapsing."

"Surely they can't," said Naru.

I laughed. "Piece of cake. But Kakuzu would only do it if you paid him. A lot. Castles can always earn him a bit of money if he sells them."

Naru stared.

"Well," I said, yawning. "I don't think I can stop them."

"Why not!" cried Naru. "You're their friend."

"Correction," I said. I pointed to Deidara. "He's my bitch." I pointed to Kakuzu. "He's my boyfriend… of sorts."

I turned around and walked across the room to the platform which had formerly hosted Shang's guillotine. The throne that Shang had so enjoyed was still there. I hopped up onto the platform and sat down in the throne. I rested my legs on one arm rest and my head on the other. I turned to watch the fight as Deidara currently tried to take out Kakuzu's water-controlling heart. The wind-controlling heart got in the way and Deidara was forced to fly backwards to avoid the blow.

"I think Kakuzu's going to win," I said.

Naru stared at me. "Aren't you concerned?"

"No. Deidara will probably lose another arm and Kakuzu another heart, but they'll both be alive in the end… hopefully."

"And what if one of them dies!"

I thought about it for a second and then tipped my head back. "That'd make a great story."

And it did make a great story. Only it wasn't the story of How Kakuzu Lost Yet Another Heart or How Deidara Lost His Third Arm or How Kakuzu Killed Deidara For A Girl – no, it was story of how I warned my nickname: The Sadistic Queen.

I don't know where it came from.

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><p><strong>AN: I feel bad for being a slow updater and since I'm stuck in a coffee shop, I've decided to update (hopefully) three times today. My condition is, however, that you review EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER THAT I UPDATE. None of this "I'll just review the last chapter crap" - it's annoying. (though I'm guilty of doing it too) - but you SHOULD review every chapter - because then I'll love you. And I love loving people - it's full of love! **

**So review - or Deidara will vent his frustrations on YOU. (And believe me, you don't want that, you'll most likely end up dead).**


	61. Drama On The Road

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Dessie, Konan, Hidan, Sasori, Itachi, and Aram are headed with the Okensai for the town of Rui to meet with the Kikensai. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-One: Drama On The Road<strong>

**Dessie**

I hate travelling. Even to this day, I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I used to love it. But there is far too much drama that happens every time the Akatsuki travels. Vacation in Suna, trips to Earth, visit to Wargonia… it really isn't worth the effort. The trip that really sent me over the edge, of course, wasn't to Konoha, Suna, Earth, or Wargonia – it was travelling to Rui with Boss.

Boss is what one would call a _clingy_ man. He's possessive, freaking out every time I talk to another guy (I can't help it 78.6% of the people I know are male). He _always_ wants to talk to me, kiss me, hug me, hold hands with me, love me – he won't leave me alone for two seconds, even though he has important boss work to do.

It drives me insane!

"Fuck off, asshole!" I cried, kicking Boss in the side.

He toppled to the ground and lay there for a moment, writhing in pain. Then, he sat up and gazed at me adoringly. "You're so cute when you're pissed off and trying to hurt me."

I kicked him again and then ran away.

"Konan!" I wailed, cowering behind her as Boss got back to his feet. "Hide me!"

"This is your problem, not mine," said Konan irritably. "You're the one who thought it would be fun to be Boss's woman."

"That's because I thought dating a yakuza Boss would make me hotter," I said sadly.

"Well that was your own stupid decision," said Konan. "Not my problem."

Boss caught sight of me and his face lit up. He practically skipped down the road, his arms outstretched towards me. "Dessie! Hug! You're so cute when you pretend to be disgusted by me!"

"I'm not pretending," I wailed.

"Sure, you're not." Boss laughed.

Hidan hit Boss over the head with the flat end of his scythe. Boss crashed to the floor again. He sat up, glowering at Hidan and rubbing his temple. "It's not nearly so hot when you hit me."

"Eat shit," said Hidan.

I stepped out from behind Konan and decided it would be safer to cower behind Hidan instead. "It's not hot when I do it either. I generally beat the shit out of people and leave them for dead. Or near dead. I can't always tell the difference."

"But it's sexy," said Boss. "A woman who can defend herself."

"I thought you said a woman has no place in war," said Konan.

"Most women," said Boss. "But Dessie is not most women."

"Well that's true," said Konan. "How many women do you meet who kiss random strangers who just so happen to be hot and have never seen her before in life?"

"You'd be surprised," said Boss.

"Or women who switch from being Wargonist to Jashinist and gaining immortality in the process?"

"Well that one is rare," admitted Boss. "But I meant personality. So strong, so confident, so sexy…"

"Well," I said. "I am extremely sexy."

"And here she goes again," said Konan weirdly. "Someone shut her up."

"Hey!" cried Boss. "Don't got telling my woman to shut up."

"Fuck you," said Hidan. "She's not your woman – you don't want a bitch like that for your woman. She's insane. She likes blood. She worships a god of death and destruction. She tortures people for fun and performs gruesome experiments on the for pleasure. She's hot headed. She's violent. She likes sex. She'll cheat on you with any Hottie she sees. She swears every two words. She'll call you a Zombie Whore one moment and then have crazy, bloody sex with you the next. She's wild. She's stubborn. She's unmanageable. She can't cook. She can't clean. Basically – she's a failure of a woman and a success at a psychopath. You don't want a bitch like that as your woman."

I blinked and then kicked Hidan in the back. "Don't say such bad shit about me!"

"Aw," said Konan. "It's true love."

I stopped trying to kick Hidan's brains out and turned to stare and Konan. "How did you get _true love_ out of that speech!"

"But Hidan's just describing his perfect woman," said Konan.

"How is that his _perfect_ woman?" I asked. I turned to Hidan and prodded him in the side with my toe. "I think we need to talk about your definition of perfect."

"Think about it!" cried Konan. "Insane. Likes blood. Worships a god of death and destruction. Tortures people for fun. Gruesome experiments. Hot headed. Violent. Likes sex. Swears… a lot. Wild. Stubborn. Unmanageable. It's like a female version of Hidan."

"Dear god no" I groaned.

"Wouldn't that be like falling in love with myself?" said Hidan. He paused to think about it. "Actually, that might not be so bad."

"Hell no," I said, giving him one last final kick before retreating back to Konan's side. Both men – Boss and Hidan – were on the ground. Boss was sitting on his legs, checking his rapidly bruising forehead for blood. Hidan lay sprawled out on the ground, shuddering in pain from his tender ribs.

"Baby…" said Boss.

"Go away!" I screamed. I hesitated and then turned around, storming to the front of the group.

Sasori and Itachi were there. Neither one of them spoke, even though they had been walking together for the past two hours. I crept up between them and linked my arms with theirs. They both gave me exasperated glances and then sighed in surrender.

"What's going on back there?" asked Itachi.

"Boss was being a creeper. Hidan's an asshole. Konan's annoyed. What else is new?"

"Hn."

Sasori shrugged. "I don't know hwy you haven't killed Boss yet and taken the Okensai for yourself."

"Not my style," I said. "I'm not a leader. I just like to run around like a maniac by frigtmyself and do stupid crap."

"You sound like Hidan," said Itachi.

I glowered in his direction. I had had enough of similarities between Hidan and me for today.

"Hn."

"You could always just be a puppet master," said Sasori.

"That's more Hannah's style," I said firmly. "I am the master of crazy stupid shit. Put me in charge of a group – they will fall into the pits of hell with me. Or because of me. I wouldn't put it past me to kill my own followers."

"True."

"Hn."

"Don't be stupid, Itachi. We all know I'm gorgeous."

"Hn."

"I don't _think_. I _know_. Shesh." I rolled my eyes and put my hands on my hips. The dirt road crunched beneath my shoes as we trudged along.

"Hn."

"You just said I was surprisingly self-understanding for someone who considers herself to be the hottest creature on the planet. Now you're saying I have no self awareness?"

"Hn."

"Asshole."

Sasori blinked. "You got all that out of 'hn'?"

"It takes practice," I said. "I'm not nearly as good at it as Kisame. I think he took classes on how to speak Uchiha. I've been learning though, I can get general meanings."

"Strange people."

"So what's the problem?" asked Itachi.

"What problem?"

"The problem that made you run away from Hidan, Konan, and Boss."

"Oh." I shrugged. "Stress. I hate traveling. I sued to love it. But now I hate traveling. Either that or I just hate travelling with those people." I rolled my eyes. "They're all so fucking annoying. Konan won't shut up about how Hidan and I are meant to be together – which obviously we aren't!"

Sasori coughed.

"What?" I snapped. "You agree with Konan? You think Hidan and I are soul mates? You think we should get married? Have a Jashinist wedding?"

"I just coughed."

"Shut up! Listen, you shithead – you have never seen a Jashinist wedding – it's a fucking blood fest – half the wedding guest die during the ceremony and then the rest die in the reception!"

"Wouldn't you enjoy that?" asked Itachi.

"Of course I would! But I don't want a husband who knows what happens in the wedding – otherwise it'll be hard to kill him during the reception!"

"So," said Sasori. "You don't want to have a Jashinist wedding because Hidan might die during the reception."

"I never said that!"

"Translating. There should be a class on how to speak Dessie too."

"Fuck off."

"Anyways," I said. "Konan's a pain. Hidan's a pain. He's all like – no one else can come near you. This guy looks like he's hitting on you. I can't even say _good morning_ to Aram anymore. Speaking of Aram – where if the shit?"

"He's off hitting on one of Boss's sisters," said Sasori.

"Oh. I hope she isn't as clingy as her brother."

"Problem number three?" asked Itachi.

"Yep. At first, I thought Hidan was overly possessive, but that was before I met Boss. The guy's a fucking maniac – he makes _me_ look sane. He complete abandons his job to stalk me. He wants to be with me every single second of the day – it's like I can't breathe!"

"You don't need to breathe," pointed out Sasori.

"Everyone needs to breathe!" I snapped. "I just won't die if I don't."

"So basically," said Itachi. "He's suffocating you, but since you won't die no matter how much he suffocates you, it gives him permission to suffocate you even more."

"Yeah!" I cried. "Like that!"

"That made no sense," said Sasori flatly.

"It's because you can't understand our higher minds," I said, removing my arm from Sasori's and wrapping both hands around Itachi's forearm. "Don't get sad and jump off a cliff over it. Or maybe you should. That would be funny."

"I have a solution," said Itachi.

"To Sasori's depression?"

"To your Boss problem."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Kill him."

I sighed. "Why does everyone tell me to kill him?"

"Don't you love killing?" asked Sasori. "What's the problem?"

"Because I'm using him," I said. "I don't want to lead the Okensai so instead he's my little puppet to controlling the Okensai. Except I think he does a worse job that I would…"

"So then kill him," said Itachi. "You can just be the head in name and I'll do all the leadership work."

"Aw," I patted Itachi on the shoulder. "You're so sweet. But for once I'd like to solve something without killing everyone in my way."

"Why?" asked Sasori again.

"Because it's boring to kill everyone every time."

"Why not?" asked Itachi. "Death is a solution to everything."

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow at him. "How did you figure that one out?"

"Think about it. If there's someone annoying you, kill him. Then you don't have to deal with him any more. If there's a giant war – just kill both sides. Then there won't be anyone left to fight – they're all dead. If the world if being polluted – just blow the world up, then there won't be a world to pollute."

"Those are crappy solutions."

"I never said it was the best solution – I just said it was a solution to everything."

I nodded thoughtfully. "Make sense."

"You know," said Sasori. "I think that's the longest speech I've ever heard Itachi say."

I thought about it too. "I think I've heard longer."

"When?"

"I forget."

"Then it doesn't count. Apparently the speech wasn't important enough to remember."

"Either that or the author is too lazy to look back over her work and figure out exactly what the longest speech Itachi has ever given was."

"Let's go with the unimportant option – that way we can say we heard Itachi's longest speech."

I shrugged. "Sure."

"Hn."

"So," I said. "The solution to my problem is to kill Boss. Well, I don't see a problem with that. Thanks, Itachi." I stood up on tip toe, took Itachi's face in my hands and planted a kiss on his lips. Itachi received it stonily, shaking his head as I pulled away.

"You're still doing that?" he asked.

"How can I reject the Original Hottie when he looks so desperate to be kissed?" I grinned. "You know you love it."

"Hn."

"_You Son of a Bitch_!"

All three of us turned to see who was screaming. Boss was sprinting along the road, running at us full speed, his weapon brandished in front of him.

"_How dare you kiss my woman, you fucking shithead_!"

I sighed. "See what I mean?"

"What me to kill him?" asked Itachi.

"No, I'll do that on my own time."

"Hn."

As Boss came closer, I drew back my fist and waited. And waited. And waited. Then, I punched him in the nose.

I think I broke it.

Serves him right.

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><p><strong>AN: Third and final chapter for today. REVIEW. THEM. ALL. OR. YOU. WILL. FIND. THAT. ITACHI. HAS. A. SOLUTION. TO. MY. SHORTENED. REVIW. PROBLEM. **

**Have a nice day!**


	62. What Men Will Say In Bed

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Kisame, and Tobi have left the Temple of Four, joined by C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji. Leader has cut off communication with the other Akatsuki groups in order to keep the surprise 9and therefore amusement) when the Okensai and Kikensai meet. Unfortunately, that means Leader doesn't know where the two groups are meeting.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Two: What Men Will Say In Bed<strong>

**Kate**

Leader was in a bad mood. We had been travelling for almost a week now and we all were at the ends of our ropes – Leader especially. As we trudged along the dirt road south, our shoulders hunched and our heads bowed, we all groaned and moaned in unison.

Except for Leader.

"Konan is worth a million of you. A million of each of you. She's organized. She's productive. She's effective. And she's powerful. She would have discovered where the Okensai and the Kikensai were meeting and would have a plan of battle all mapped out. My life would be so much easier if Konan was here. But _no_. Instead I get stuck with you lazy shits. None of you are the least bit usefully – dead weight, that's what you all are. Konan isn't dead weight – she's like negative weight. She takes care of the dead weight for me."

Kisame rolled his eyes and mouthed something in my direction.

My face warmed and I quickly looked away. My eyes flickered in the direction of Tobi, who was currently running in circles around C-Chouji and screaming different names of food (C-Chouji was on a diet).

I'd been acting like this since the incident outside the bar where Madara had teased me about liking him. It made my face warm every time I thought about it. Me? Like Madara? As if. I scoffed. Felix and I have one true love – our (actually my) boyfriend. Well… Actually that was the problem.

You see, dear readers, looking back on the whole situation, there is perfectly clarity in my mind who I loved at that time, but to the me back then – everything was hazy. Madara was cool and scary, but he was a cold, heartless meanie and we all know I have feelings for cold, heartless meanies (that defines most of the guys I know). But then there was Kisame – who was pretty heartless, but less cold. Did I like Madara? Did I like Kisame? I didn't know. In all honesty, at that time, I couldn't have answered the question.

As the sun hung low in the sky, Leader took us off the main road and into a nearby forest. We moved through the trees carefully until we reached a clearing in the strangled branches. Leader paused and then turned to face the rest of us. A triumphant smirk, plastered across his face, Leader announced:

"You're all useless."

"Thanks," said Kisame. "That makes us feel a lot better about ourselves."

Tobi sniffled. "Tobi is a good boy."

"So," continued Leader, ignoring their comments. "I've decided to make you all useful. C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji and I are going to spend the night here. In this forest. The rest of you – get lost. Go make yourselves useful. Come back before the sun rises."

I stared.

Kisame stared.

Tobi stared.

Zetsu stared.

"Um…" said Zetsu slowly. "We need to make ourselves _useful_?"

"How do we do that?" I asked.

Leader waved a hand carelessly. "I don't know. Go figure out where the Okensai and the Kikensai are meeting."

"Can't you just ask Konan?" asked Kisame.

"No. That would mean I can hear everything she says and she'll nag me for instructions. My plan to let the Okensai and Kikensai clash would be destroyed if any of them knew about the others."

"Yes," said Kisame wearily. "Because Konan is so _useful_."

"Shut up," said Leader. "Go. I don't want to see any more of your useless faces tonight."

"Tobi doesn't want to go."

"What happens if we don't go?" asked Kisame.

"Then I will rip your arms off and give them to the Great Plant King C-Zetsu and his tribe to sacrifice to their gods."

Kisame sighed. "Fine. Whatever." He turned to me and grinned. "I can think of a million better things to do."

My face was becoming a red tomato again and I quickly looked away.

"Kate's been really red today," said Tobi cheerfully. "Is Kate sick?"

I didn't have the heart to tell Tobi that the other person living in his body was the cause of my embarrassment. Him and Kisame.

"Let's go," I said. I kept my gaze fixated on the ground and I hurried through the forest, Kisame, Zetsu, and Tobi following behind me. I didn't get very far before Kisame wrapped his arm around my waist and hoisted me into the air. I screamed, my arms and legs flailing wildly.

"What's up with you?" asked Kisame.

"What are you doing!" I cried.

"Carrying you. We're going to run."

Tobi giggled. "Someone needs to take a chill pill."

Zetsu shuddered. "Tobi. If you ever use that phrase again, we will eat you."

"That's comforting," I said. "Kisame, can't someone else carry me…"

"You want Zetsu to carry you?" asked Kisame, grinning. "Well, you have more guts than I thought."

I cringed. "On second thought, you can carry me."

"Good girl." Kisame swung me up onto his back and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I barely got a chance to hold my breath and he was off, sprinting through the forest with his ninja-speed, Tobi and Zetsu close behind us.

It didn't take long to reach the nearest town, which, surprisingly, turned out to be one of the largest towns in the north, so large, in fact, that it could have been called a city. The City of Towns (as we shall now know it as, since I can't remember the actual name) was a crowded place, lit up with the nightlife. As we reached the town's limits, Kisame lowered me from his shoulders and the four of us – Tobi, Zetsu, Kisame, and me – strolled through the City of Towns and its illuminated streets, completely at a loss as to how we should be useful.

"I could bash in some heads," said Kisame thoughtfully.

"We could eat some people," said Zetsu.

"Tobi could make flower chains!" cried Tobi, clapping his hands together enthusiastically.

I sighed. "I don't think that's what Leader had in mind…"

"Who cares what Leader had in mind," said Kisame. "He's not here to tell us otherwise."

"He looks yummy," said Zetsu thoughtfully.

"Who does?" asked Kisame.

"Over there."

Kisame and I followed Zetsu's indication. I scanned the crowd trying to figure out what guy Zetsu considered to be delicious. None of the men seemed more exceptional than the others. There was a hefty guy with a black beard – maybe Zetsu liked the chunky ones. Or there was a stick-thin, bald man with seedy eyes – but didn't Zetsu like more meat on the bones? There was a fat man, but he was sweaty and greasy – Zetsu hates those types. They don't go down easily according to him.

"I don't see your meal…"

No answer.

I glanced around and, amongst the bustling crowd, I couldn't see Kisame or Zetsu or Tobi. No orange mask. No blue face. No Venus fly trap. It's not like they're hard people to find!

"Kisame!" I cried.

No response.

"Kisame! Kisame!"

Nothing.

"Tobi! Zetsu?"

There was a loud laugh from somewhere to my right. A group of middle aged women. No sign of the others.

"Kisame!" My voice squeaked a little. "Madara!"

"Are you lost?"

I spun around, gasping for breath. "Madara?"

No. There was no orange mask. A tall man – somewhere in his mid-twenies – dressed in a blue kimono was smiling kindly at me. His black eyes crinkled and he extended a hand to me. "Do you need some help?"

I nodded mutely.

"Come with me."

I took his hand without question and he led me through the streets of the City of Towns. I didn't pause to wonder why he didn't ask me what my friends looked like or their names. He just kept on walking, keeping a tight grip on my hand, and I followed him – thankful that I was no longer alone.

The man led me into a three-story building. The downstairs was filled with booths where men of all ages, shapes, and sizes were seated. Beautiful women walked about, serving the men sake. Men would grab the women's asses and breasts and make lewd jokes, while the women flirted back.

"Where am I?" I asked, turning to the man with wide eyes. "I thought you said you'd help me?"

"I did."

"Are my friends here?" I asked.

"No."

"Then why are we here!"

The man smiled. "Welcome to my whorehouse. Make yourself at home."

I swallowed back tears.

"_YOU SON OF A BITCH!_" screamed Felix.

The man stepped back, blinking rapidly. "What?"

"How dare you take _me_ – _me with all my fucking awesomeness_ – _to a place like this_! I am far and above any of the low lives who come to a shitty joint like this! Make me a _whore_ will you! I have a boyfriend – and, _bitch_, he is big and blue and one hell of a beast!"

The man slapped me across the face.

"Shut up."

"It wasn't me!" I cried. "It was Felix! Hit Felix! Hit Felix!"

"Don't blame me, you traitor," said Felix. "Besides, I feel what you feel. He slaps you – the _asshole_ slaps me too."

I wiped the tears out of my eyes. "I don't want to be a whore…"

The man's jaw was somewhere around floor level. He shook his head and snapped, "Someone take this maniac upstairs. Her first customer will be with her soon."

"Wait!" I cried.

One of the prostitutes took my firmly by the wrist and led my upstairs. For a second, I tried to struggle, but I soon gave in and let her lead me like a dog by the leash. She opened the door to an empty room on the third floor and guided me inside.

"I don't want to be a whore," I said softly.

"Well," said the prostitute. "No one does."

"Yeah – but I'm really bad at it."

"You've tried before?"

"Lots and lots of times." I sniffled. "They all ended badly."

The prostitute glanced at my suspiciously. "Well, if you're lucky, you'll be found by a Kikensai or Okensai soldier and he might buy you if he likes you enough."

"Kikensai or Okensai?" I repeated.

"Then again," said the prostitute thoughtfully. "They're all moving towards Rui."

"Why Rui?"

"Well," said the prostitute under her breath. "I'm not supposed to know, but the Kikensai and Okensai are meeting in Rui soon to discuss the situation of things."

"How do you know this?" I asked. My tears had suddenly stopped.

The prostitute smirked. "You'd be surprised what men will say in bed."

I opened my mouth to respond, but before any words could come out, the door to the room opened and a fat, bald man swaggered in, his eyes burning with lust.

"Good luck," said the prostitute before she slipped out of the room, locking the door behind her.

"Hello," said my customer.

"Hi." I inched further away. "What do I do?"

"Beat him over the head," said Felix firmly. "Or I could do it for you. I don't mind."

"No. No." I shook my head. "Maybe. Okay, yeah – do it."

Felix grinned. As the customer drew closer Felix leaned forward, seductively showing off my near-non-existent boobs (thanks, Felix).

"You ready for some fun?" asked Felix.

"Yeah…"

The second the customer was within rage, Felix spun around and kicked the customer in the nuts.

A high-pitched scream came from the customer and he fell to the ground, clutching his balls.

"Now what?" said Felix thoughtfully.

I spun around wildly and caught sight of an open window.

"I hope we live!" Felix cried and sprinted towards the window. He grabbed the frame and – without hesitating – he threw us out of the window.

"FELIX!"

I grabbed the window sill.

We hung there, clutching the frame and hoping to God-Warg-Jashin-Pain-Plant King Zetsu that we wouldn't die.

"Help!" I moaned.

"You should have just let us fall," said Felix. "I'd rather be dead than be a whore."

"There are better ways to escape a whorehouse than death!" I wailed. "Dessie and Hannah have helped me escape plenty of times."

"Yeah," said Felix. "But you're not Dessie or Hannah."

"Don't remind me…"

"KATE!"

I glanced over my shoulder, trying to see who was calling my name. Big and blue, Kisame stood in the street below – amongst a crowd of passers-by – watching me dangle from a third floor window.

"Help me!" I cried.

"Jump!" shouted Kisame.

"Why!" I wailed. "I can just hang here all day!"

"Quit being such a sissy," said Felix. He let go of the window.

I screamed.

We fell.

Down. Down. Down. Down.

Into Kisame's strong, blue arms.

I'm not sure which one of us hugged him. It might have been Felix. But I was the one who kissed him. I swear. (No matter what Felix says).

"Kisame," I said firmly. "I love you."

"Love you too." said Kisame.

"He was talking to me," said Felix.

"I was talking to Kate," said Kisame. "I'm not gay."

"And technically I'm not a guy," said Felix. "So we're all good."

"I was talking to Kate," said Kisame firmly. "So, um, what was Kate doing in a whorehouse?"

"Felix made me!"

* * *

><p>We returned to Leader later than night. He, C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru, had enjoyed a pleasant evening of sake with a nice long sleep. Zetsu, Tobi, Kisame, and I returned disgruntled and exhausted. Apparently after we had gotten separated Kisame had insisted that they all search for me – which meant Zetsu didn't get to eat and Tobi didn't get to "be a good boy". Kisame was in a bad mood because his girlfriend had spent the night in a whorehouse. And I was in a bad mood because Felix had somehow spun up a whole tale where I had been dying for some good sex and dragged him to a whorehouse even though he told me time and time again that Kisame would not like that. And, worse yet – Kisame believed Felix over me!<p>

"So," said Leader. "Did any of you find anything useful?"

"My girlfriend's a whore," said Kisame darkly.

"We're hungry…"

"Tobi isn't a good boy!"

"My split personality is a jerk."

Felix gasped. "And my other personality is a prostitute!"

Leader sighed and gritted his teeth. "So basically – you're all still useless! I gave you _one job_! One job for four of you!"

"Five."

"FOUR! And in return I get nothing! I just wanted to know where the Kikensai and Okensai are meeting! But _no_ – you're all too useless! One thing! _One fucking thing_! And this is why Konan is worth all of you!"

"Rui," I said.

"What?"

"They're meeting in Rui."

Leader blinked. "How do you know this?"

I shrugged. "The things men will say in bed."

Kisame's eyes practically bugged out of his head. "WHAT!"

"I can't believe this," said Leader exasperatedly.

"I know!" cried Kisame. " I was kidding earlier – but who would have thought that my girlfriend was actually a whore!"

"Not that," said Leader. "Who cares about that? At least we know Kate isn't completely clueless in bed. I'm more surprised that out of all of you – _Kate was the only useful one_."

There was a pause.

Tobi screamed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So guess what! We can have covers for our stories now (Image Manager) -Ah! I want a cover... Anyone want to make one for me? Please... Please... Please... I'll update more often... Please... Anyways, love you all! Review!**

**REVIEW! OR FELIX WILL UNLEAS HA CAN OF BUTT WHOOPING ON YOU!**


	63. PennyPincher

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**Deidara has taken over the Kikensai and has planned a meeting with the Okensai in order to destroy them**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty.-Three: Penny-Pincher<strong>

**Hannah**

Deidara is a frightening person. Sure, he's a psychopathic idiot, but he's still quite frightening. When we left the Kikensai to travel to Rui, he brought two Kikensai leaders – Hami and Daisuke – with us. Then, he set explosives throughout the castle and announced that if anyone tried to leave the castle in his absence, the whole thing would explode and they would all die. And, if anyone tried to betray him while he was gone, he would blow them all sky high and sit back with a bowl of popcorn and watch. Needless to say, none of the Kikensai betrayed us.

The journey to Rui was terrible.

For starters, Deidara was still pissed at Kakuzu, who "betrayed" Deidara and had now become "a slimy piece of shit not worth existing on the bottom of Deidara's shoe". He said it, not me.

Deidara had developed the habit of trying to kill Kakuzu whenever he thought Kakuzu wasn't paying attention. Unfortunately, Kakuzu was always prepared. In a way, I supposed he was one of the few people equipped to date me. He could pull a scam just as well as I. He could survive Deidara and Zetsu's jealousy. And he could survive my idea of amusement. Hey! Anyone else would be dead after a second… Maybe I should try dating a regular person… It'd be interesting…

"Hannah-sama!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see the apprehensive face of Hami. He was a short, boyish-looking man who was too eager for his own good. Apparently he, along with the rest of the Kikensai, revered me to the point of near god-worship. (Maybe I can add my own name to the list of God-Jashin-Warg-Hannah. It has a nice ring to it.

"What is it, Hami?" I asked.

"Do you need help?" asked Hami nervously. "Are your feet tired? Do you need me to carry you?"

"No!" cried Daisuke. "I'll carry Queen-sama!"

"Not the Queen-sama thing again," said Kakuzu wearily. "It'll go to her head."

"Who do you think I am?" I asked. "Dessie?"

"That's true," said Kakuzu. "This would be so much worse if you were Dessie."

"You know," said Deidara loudly. "I bet Kakuzu blackmailed Hannah to be his girlfriend, uhn."

"Actually," said Daisuke. "I think it was the other way around."

"They're both equally incapable of love," said Hami thoughtfully. "The Sadistic Queen is just scarier."

"How many times have I told you to _stop calling me that_," I snapped.

"More than enough, Queen-sama."

I slapped a hand to my forehead and sighed. "I give up."

"I think they're both capable of love," said Daisuke suddenly. "They both just suck at expressing it."

"I don't love her," said Kakuzu.

"They why are you dating her! Uhn!" cried Deidara.

"I _told you_," said Daisuke. "He does love her, he simply can't say it."

Deidara was already rummaging in his side pouch for some clay. Another massive fight that would result in wasted time and mass destruction was about to ensue.

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "This whole 'Let's Bludgeon Each Other To Death For Hannah's Sake' is getting old. We should mix things up a bit."

"Oh," cried Hami. "The Sadistic Queen has something up her sleeve."

"Shut up," I said.

"Shouldn't my minions fear me more than Hannah, uhn?"

"We only follow you out of fear and respect for Queen-sama," said Daisuke.

"Sorry, Deidara," I said. "I'm just scarier than you. Anyways, rather than kill each other to prove your love."

"I don't love you," interjected Kakuzu.

"Why do you both run to the nearest village and whoever brings me back the most gold loves me the most."

"That's a stupid game, uhn," said Deidara.

"But this is your chance to prove that you love me the most," I said. "Now get going. You have until sunset."

Deidara groaned and glanced at the sky, the sun was already beginning to touch the horizon. He rolled his eyes and pulled a bit of clay out of his pocket. With a cry of "Katsu" the clay expanded into a giant bird and he hopped onto its back. "Uhn." And with than farewell, he flew away.

"Do I have to go?" asked Kakuzu. "I'm already dating you."

"Yeah," I said. "But it will be amusing. And think of all the gold you'll get."

Kakuzu consider this for a second and then shrugged. "See you later." And he followed Deidara in the direction of the nearest village.

I watched the two of them disappear and then turned back to Hami and Daisuke. "Well this will be interesting."

"Would you like some tea?" asked Hami, rummaging through his back for a thermos.

"And a chair?" asked Daisuke. A chair materialized out of thin air and he dusted off the seat for me.

"Don't mind if I do." I sat down and leaned back, while Hami placed a cup of steaming hot tea in my right hand. "Thanks."

"Anything for you, Queen-sama," said Hami.

"So," I said, taking a sip of the tea. "Who do you think will win – Deidara or Kakuzu?"

"Kakuzu," said Daisuke flatly. "No one can beat him when it comes to money earning."

"Kakuzu," agreed Hami.

I shook my head. "Idiots. Deidara will win. I bet you fifty dollars. Deidara will win."

Daisuke blinked. "You think Deidara will get more money than the conning, scamming, cheating, money-loving Kakuzu?"

"Of course not," I said. "But Deidara will win this bet."

"Because he loves you more?" asked Hami.

I laughed. "What's that got to do with it?"

"But, um, this is a competition to see who loves you more."

"It is?" I took another sip of tea. "This was just to stop them from killing each other. It was getting kind of boring."

"Oh."

"The Sadistic Queen is too clever for us."

"Shut up."

Deidara and Kakuzu both returned before sunset, leaving a pillar of smoke behind them. They returned as I expected them to: Kakuzu with a mountain of gold and Deidara with barely any (he spent most of the time laughing like a maniac and blowing the town to tiny little pieces).

"See," said Hami. "Kakuzu won."

"Shush." Daisuke elbowed Hami in the ribs and shook his head. "Don't point out the Sadistic Queen's wrongs."

I rolled my eyes. "Amateurs." Without so much as a pause, I extended my hands towards Deidara and Kakuzu. "Give me the money."

Deidara handed me his small amount without hesitation, while Kakuzu glowered at me.

"What?" he asked.

"Give me the money," I repeated.

"Why should I?"

"That was the competition," I said. "Whoever gets _me_ the most money – wins."

"Why would I give you the money?" asked Kakuzu.

"Because you love me."

Kakuzu laughed. "That's a good one."

I turned my back on Kakuzu and his mountain of money in the sack slung over his shoulder. Hami and Daisuke were watching me, wide-eyed and impressed.

"You owe me fifty. Each."

"You bet on me, uhn!" cried Deidara. "You knew I loved you the most, huh? Well, I don't blame you – Kakuzu is a doublecrossing shithead of a loser, uhn."

"Idiot," said Kakuzu. "She bet on you because she knows me too well."

I nodded. "Aw, aren't we such a cute couple – we understand each other perfectly! It's so adorable! We should get matching outfits and go on dates to a cute little coffee shop!"

"You're making me sick."

A shiver ran down my spine. "I'm making me sick too."

"But!" cried Deidara. "I won the competition! I love Hannah the most – so why are you fawning over Kakuzu, uhn!"

I blinked. "When did I say I was going to date the winner. So you love me most. Whatever. Kakuzu doesn't love me at all."

Deidara blinked. "What, uhn?"

"You heard me."

Deidara's eyes narrowed. At first, he glared at me. Then, slowly, his blue eyes turned to glower at Kakuzu (who was counting his money). "THAT'S IT, YOU CHEATING TRAITOR! UHN! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! UHN! YOUR BRAINS WILL SPILL OUT OF YOUR HEAD! UHN! AND ONTO THE SIDEWALK! UHN! WHILE YOUR STOMACH IMPLODES! UHN! SPRAYING THE WALLS! UHN! LIKE A WORK OF ART! UHN! FUCK YOU! UHN! YOU FUCKING! UHN! ASSHOLE! UHN!"

Kakuzu paused. "Fuck. You made me lose count."

"DON'T IGNORE ME! UHN! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A SHITTY PENNY-PINCHER! UHN! YOU'RE A LONELY MISER! UHN! AND YOU'LL DIE ALONE! UHN! AND IF YOU EVER FIND SOMEONE! UHN! I WILL BLOW HER TO THE NEXT LIFE! UHN! AND PAINT THE WALLS! UHN! WITH HER BLOOD! UHN!"

"What if that someone is Hannah?" asked Hami.

I settled back down in my chair and sighed. "Here we go again."

"You made me lose count," repeated Kakuzu blankly.

"GO TO HELL! UHN!"

Kakuzu punched Deidara in the jaw.

Deidara flew across the clearing a smashed into the trunk of a tree. He flopped onto the floor and lay still for a moment. Then, he leapt to his feet, blood trickling from his lips, and waving a clay piece in the air.

"Katsu!"

A giant bird appeared and several smaller birds. Deidara hopped onto the big bird's back and sent two of the smaller explosives spiraling at Kakuzu's head. Kakuzu hardened his skin and the birds exploded uselessly against his head.

"YOU SHIT! UHN!" screamed Deidara. "YOU FUCKING CHEATER! UHN!"

"Don't mess with a man counting money," snarled Kakuzu.

He tensed as five black masks tore their way out of his back. A low growl emerged from his lips and the black tentacles ripped away from his insides and formed five ghastly ghouls behind him. His back sewed itself shut and he stood before Deidara, ready for a fight.

"BRING IT ON, PENNY-PINCHER! UHN!"

One black beat opened its jaws and spewed out a whirlwind. Deidara's bird flew out of the way as the wind whipped through the forest – knowing down trees and ripping up roots. Then, another black beast flew in front of the other and added a tunnel of flames to the whirlwind, lighting the forest on fire.

Deidara flew higher and, as he soared directly above Kakuzu's head, he let another of his clay-animal creations plummet to the ground. Kakuzu almost missed the attack and, at the last second, he threw up his hardened arm to protect himself.

A mass explosion erupted through the forest – trees, plants, animals, fire, ash, rocks, smoke – flew in all direction. Chaos. Destruction, Death. Pain. When the smog cleared there was a giant crater in the middle of the forest with a disgruntled Kakuzu in the middle.

"Do you have anymore of that tea?" I asked.

Hami nodded mutely and began preparing me another cup.

"So," I said. "Have any bets on who wins this one?"

Daisuke shuddered. "You know," he muttered to Hami. "On second thought, the Penny-Pincher and the Sadistic Queen make a good couple…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: What? An update two days in a row? It's a miracle! What is Fallen on? I don't know, but whatever it is, it must be good! So, guess what, Psycho Kay has written a fanfiction of this fic. Fanfiction is the only thing I can think to call it. YAY! I love you all - have I ever told you that? I love you all so much! (please forget you ever saw this emotional and sappy scene of me bawling my eyes out and professing my love to my readers). **

**Now review! Or Hannah will tie you up and drop you down into the middle of one of Deidara and Kakuzu's epic battles where only bits and pieces of you will be found the next day. **


	64. How To Start A War

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**A meeting between the Kikensai and the Okensai is about to occur in the town of Rui.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Four: How To Start A War<strong>

**Dessie**

"I'm bored."

"You've told us a hundred fucking times."

"Well maybe the hundred and first time would change."

"It didn't."

"I'm bored."

Hidan gripped his scythe and gritted his teeth. "So you've fucking said."

I shrugged. "Hundred and second time lucky?"

We had arrived in Rui the day before yesterday and still – nothing. We'd heard reports that the Kikensai were to arrive today and we were going to meet them in this very inn. So far, no sign of them. Which led to a lot of boredom.

Konan was making origami in some remote corner of the room, while Itachi was reading a book given to him by one of the innkeepers. Sasori was making another one of his death-inducing puppets. C-Deidara was sleeping. Aram was making tea. Hidan was sharpening his scythe. Boss was flirting with me. Big surprise.

"So," said Boss. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Hopefully preparing for a war with the Kikensai," I said firmly.

Boss sighed. "We can have a night of relaxation before the war really begins."

"There is no relaxation in war," I said firmly.

"What do you know of war?" asked Aram as he stirred the tea daintily.

"What do you know of tea making?" I snapped back.

Aram smiled. "My father was the owner of a popular tea shop back in my hometown. I learned from a young age."

"Was he also a blind monk?" asked Boss skeptically.

"No. I learned that on my own."

I yawned. "Aram – make me some tea."

"I already am," said Aram. "I knew your royal highness could not stand to see me with something she didn't have."

"You know me so well."

"Isn't Aram just a fucking saint," muttered Hidan.

"I'm making you tea too."

"Who said I wanted tea!"

Aram titled his head to the side and was silent for a moment. Then, he snorted and continued his tea making.

Hidan stopped sharpening his knife and glowered at Aram.

"It doesn't help," said Konan. "He's blind."

"He's not blind," said Hidan. "He just wears a blindfold over his eyes because he thinks it makes him cooler and attractive to women."

"Actually," I said. "It's his personality that makes him attractive to women. He probably has an army of fangirls somewhere who have shrines to him built into their closets and stalk youtube videos of him constantly. Not only is Aram insanely hot, but he is a bad-body flirt – which will never cease to attract the ladies."

Hidan scowled. "I'm a bad boy."

"No," I said. "You're a murderer."

"Actually," said Aram. "I think Hidan goes beyond murderer. He's crazy psychopath with a loud-mouthed, violent, bat-shit insane personality who kills countless people to appease his god who probably doesn't even exist."

"Jashin does exist!" cried Hidan, leaping to his feet and raising his scythe above his head. "You will pay for your blasphemy!"

"Careful," I said. "Or you might wake to have an army of Aram-fangirls standing over your bed and planning to torture you for countless hours and then blow you into tiny pieces and bury you in a pit in some godforsaken forest in the middle of nowhere."

"Who cares about fucking fangirls!"

"I care about them," said Aram, lifting a hand into the air.

"No one cares about you!"

"Correction," I said. "The fangirls care about him."

"You have you fangirls too, Hidan," said Konan supportively.

Hidan mimed vomiting. "Who the fuck wants fangirls?"

"You have more than Aram," added Sasori.

Hidan paused in his puking and slowly turned to stare at Sasori. Then he glanced at Aram and back to Sasori. "Really?"

Sasori nodded. He screwed an arm to his puppet and inspected it carefully.

"In your face!" shouted Hidan, rounding on Aram. "I am the fucking boss!"

Boss coughed loudly.

"I have way more fangirls than you, you shitty blind monk! They probably take one look at my handsome face and muscular body and think – _damn_ – Hidan is a million times better than that stupid tea-making moron! I bet my fangirls worship Jashin and make daily sacrifices! What do you fangirls do? Drool and worship at self-made shrines in dark closets!"

Aram gave the tea one last stir and then poured it into separate mugs. "here you go, Dessie."

Hidan laughed. "Your closet-fans are no match for my bitching awesome murderesses! We could make an army of Jashinists and completely _crush_ your fangirls. Those stalkers wouldn't know what hit them! And then my fangirls would bathe in your blood!"

"Here, Hidan," said Aram, offering a cup of tea.

"Yes!" said Hidan, snatching the tea from Aram. "Bow before the fangirl master!"

Aram handed another cup to Boss and then made one for himself. The three of us – Aram, Boss, and I – sat on the floor, happily sipping our tea, while Hidan stood about up, a cup of steaming tea in one hand and a scythe in the other, ranting about the Master of Fangirls and his army.

"This is all pointless," I said.

"Shut up, bitch," said Hidan. "The men are talking here."

I kicked him between the legs. He fell to the floor and dropped his hot tea, which splashed on all over his face. I watched for a moment, amused, as he writhed on the floor. Then, I turned back to the others and said, "Your armies of fangirls are all useless – my army of fanboys can completely massacre you all on the spot."

"And that's settled," said Aram, sipping his tea.

"This is quite good," said Boss.

"Why thank you."

"We should replace Hidan with you," I said. "You'd be much more useful."

Hidan groaned in response.

Boss had another drink of his tea. "Where is the Kikensai?"

"I don't know," I said. "Apparently punctuality is not their strong point – that should make them easy to beat in battle. They'll probably be late to show up."

"Lame joke," said Konan.

"It wasn't a joke."

"You know," said Boss. "I'm not really sure how to start a war."

Before I could reply, there was a grunt from the corner of the room. We all turned around just in time to see C-Deidara jerk upright, his blue eyes wide and gasping for breath.

"The tender lumplings are attacking!"

"Should we ask?" wondered Sasori.

"No," said Konan. "It's best not to ask."

"Hn."

C-Deidara looked around, blinking. His eyes fell on me and a sly smile spread across his face. "Hey, baby."

A knife embedded into the wood barely and inch from C-Deidara's face.

"AH!" C-Deidara looked about wildly. "What the hell!"

"Don't flirt with my woman," said Boss flatly.

"What's a tender lumpling?" I asked.

Konan shrugged. "Ask C-Deidara."

"Hey," I said. "What's a tender lumpling?"

"I can't tell you, Boss with kill me."

Another knife landed on the other side of C-Deidara's head. He screamed.

"Tell her," said Boss.

"Alright! Alright!" wailed C-Dediara. "It's an innocent child! An innocent child!"

Itachi's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "The innocent children are attacking?"

C-Deidara nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Those damned tender lumplings are so suspicious! Who knows exactly what they're thinking? Do you? No! They act all innocent and cute, but maybe they're really planning on dismembering you as soon as you back is turned!"

"You know," said Konan. "I don't think the innocent children are actually thinking that…"

"I see," I said softly.

Hidan rolled over on the floor, still cringing in pain. "See what?"

"Those innocent children are really eerie," I said softly. "They could be plotting our deaths and we would never know it."

"Please tell me you're not seriously considering this, Dessie," said Konan.

"We don't really know what the innocent children are thinking!" I cried.

"This is stupid," said Konan.

"Have some tea," said Aram, offering her his cup. "It helps soothe the Oh-My-God-My-Friends-Are-All-Fucking-Insane-Mood."

Konan hesitated before taking the tea. She took a long sip and then sighed in relief. "You're right."

"I still don't get it," said Itachi.

"That's because the tender lumplings have fooled you," said C-Deidara. "You were so blinded by their cuteness that you cannot comprehend the possibility of them being evil. Dessie and I are immune because of our own cuteness – it makes the tender lumplings seem less awe-inspiring."

"Cute?" I said.

"Yeah." C-Deidara smiled at me. "You're adorable."

I borrowed one of Boss's knives and threw it at C-Deidara. It landed in the wooden floor boards barely avoiding C-Deidara's cock.

"I'm not cute," I said. "I'm _fucking gorgeous_."

"You nearly neutered me!" cried C-Deidara.

"It was the tender lumplings," said Aram.

"Shut up!"

"No," I snapped. "You shut up – you have no judge in appearances – can't you tell the difference between cute and _inhumanely gorgeous_!"

"What…?"

"Shut up!"

"Why…"

"No! You don't have the right to talk!"

"But…"

"I will take off your dick!"

"SHUT UP!"

C-Deidara and I paused. We turned to stare at Bossm who was gripping his teacup and glowering at the two of us. (By this time, he had finished his tea so the calming effect no longer worked).

"Boss?" I said.

"Shut it." Boss gritted his teeth. "I have a more pressing matter than degrees of attractiveness! How the fuck do I start a war! I don't know how to start a war! Someone tell me how to do it! Show me! What do I do? What if the Kikensai show up and I ended up making an even bigger peace treaty with them!"

"I doubt that'll happen," said C-Deidara. "They hate us as much as we hate them."

"I said _shut up_!"

"Right."

I lifted my right hand tentatively in the air.

"Yes?" said Boss, turning to me with a frighteningly kind smile. "What is it, dear?"

"Um… Starting a war isn't that hard…"

"Isn't it?" asked Boss. "And how would you know?" The teacup shatted in his hands.

"Well," said Konan. "She did start a war with Wargonia."

"I helped," said Hidan.

"No one asked _you_," snarled Boss.

"I can explain," I said, getting to my feet. "Starting a war is easy. First off, you can never be the one to start it. That way, when all is said and done, you can point a finger at the other guy and say – _it was all his fault_. So, all you have to do is throw insults at one another until the other guy gets so pissed off he can only _not_ want to kill you. It might help to insult his inability to fight like a man."

Boss stared at me blankly.

I sighed. "Zombie Whore – get to your feet."

"Me?" said Hidan.

"Yes, you."

Hidan hopped to his feet. "What do you want, Bitch?"

I turned to Boss. "Watch and learn. You might want to take out a pad and take notes. You won't find as an amazing teacher as me ever again."

"Huh?"

I turned back to Hidan and placed my hands on my hips. "You hear that?"

"Hear what?" asked Hidan, looking from side to side.

"It's music," I said. "The intense music that plays in old western movies when the cowboy finally faces the outlaw and they both have their guns at the ready, but neither has fired a shot yet so it's just silence and anticipation. Then a tumbleweed rolls by and a slight breeze rustles their hats, but neither moves, because whoever fires the first shot is liable for arrest. And the scene is so intense as the towns people hold their breath and the cowboy's woman gazes at him longingly, praying to whoever will listen that he has the faster draw. And the music is playing – with the rising guitar music and the rattlesnake and the dunDUn – then back to the guitar and the dunDUN!"

"FOR JASHIN'S SAKE! CAN WE JUST FUCKING KILL EACH OTHER ALREADY!"

I smiled and turned back to Boss. "And that's how it's done."

[Insert moment of long silence here]

"Yeah, Dessie," said Konan. "No one could pull that off, but you."

"Oh." I considered that for a moment. "I guess I'm just that awesome."

"There's no way I can do this," said Boss firmly.

"Yes," I said, stomping my foot on the floor for effect. "Yes, you can. You are the leader of the Okensai – you are Boss! And not just boss in a boss way, but boss in the boss was that you are the boss of bosses who cannot be anymore boss even if he tried – I mean, you don't have any name other than boss – that's pretty boss."

"Yep," said Boss firmly. "No way."

I leapt forward and grabbed him by the collar of the shirt. "Don't be fucking useless – or I'll start a damn war with you! And I'll break up with you in the process!"

"No!" cried Boss. "No! Not that! Anything but that!"

"Don't be a fucking cry baby! The only person can do that is Hidan and that only because I just kicked him in the balls!"

"Don't leave me! I'll do anything! Kill anyone! Just don't leave me! I've never met a woman like you! I don't need anyone else! I don't want anyone else! Dessie!"

I dropped Boss to the floor and crossed my arms. "Fine. But you must start a war for me. I don't date guys who don't start wars over me."

"Itachi didn't start a war over you," said Konan.

"Itachi's the Original Hottie," I said. "He's an exception."

"Hidan didn't start a war over you," added Konan.

"C-Deidara," I said. "I'll be needed that knife back."

"But you dated!" cried Konan. "Even if it was for less than two days… You still dated."

C-Deidara handed me the knife.

"If _anyone_ ever mentions those two days again," I said, gripping the handle of the blade. "I will decapitate him or her."

"But," said Hidan thoughtfully. "Those two days in bed… they were _good_."

"Does she do the kinky stiff?" asked Aram.

Hidan grinned. "Oh yeah…"

I stabbed him in the chest.

And then the door opened.

A portly man stepped inside and announced the arrival of the Kikensai before stepping back to allow our enemies in.

Knife still embedded in Hidan's heart, I turned to see who had come. Blond Fur Ball. Money-Obsessed Con Artist. Evil In The Form Of A Sarcastic Bitch. And two random guys I don't know.

"Hey," said Hannah. "You two haven't changed at all."

"Is this the part where they go off and have sex covered in their own blood, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Konan spat back up some of her tea. "I did not need to know that."

"Unwanted mental images," said Aram.

I released the knife, leaving it in Hidan chest, and stared at Hannah. "What are you doing here? Where's the Kikensai?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Hannah. "We are the Kikensai."

Well, _shit_.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Alright. I am inspired. It was 11 o'clock at night. I had just gotten home work, I took a shower, I had some tea, and I sat down to write a chapter. It's now midnight. I am updating. I will post this and then sit back down to write another chapter. And another chapter. I have no idea what time it will be when I finish, but I will not sleep until done. Deal? Deal. All I ask is you review. I think you get the better end of the deal. I might not update straight away, but the next to chapters will be posted in the next 24 hours or so. **

**SO - REVIEW! BECAUSE I AM WORKING MY ASS OFF FOR YOU TONIGHT SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS CLICK THE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE! OTHERWISE YOU WILL FACE DESSIE'S KICKASS FANBOY ARMY!**

**Now, to make another cup of tea (Prince of Wales is the best tea ever!)**


	65. Welcome to Rui

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**A meeting between the Kikensai and the Okensai is about to occur in the town of Rui.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Five: Welcome to Rui<strong>

**Kate**

This entire chapter is all Dessie's fault.

And she's not even in it!

Now, I'm sure after the much awaited meeting between the Kikensai and the Okensai, you're all like "Who cares about Kate's chapter? Skip it! Skip it!". Well, I honestly can't blame you. This chapter… It's Dessie's fault.

See, the story goes as such:

Scene: Leader, Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, C-Chouji, C-Shikamaru, and I are on the long and winding road through the prairie lands of Seanova, approaching the town of Rui where the Kikensai and Okensai are to meet. After weeks of traveling on this road together – we all hate each other and want to kill each other. (Except for Kisame and me, because we're dating.. We're good like that.)

Tobi: Tobi wants his Nunus

Leader: Shut up.

C-Shikamaru: What is a Nunu?

Kisame: That is the universal question.

Zetsu: Actually, the universal question is whether or not Kisame and Kate have done it yet.

Leader: That's actually a very good question. It doesn't seem that way.

Note: Why is this Dessie's fault? 1) She is one of the Nunus that Tobi won't shut up about 2) Keep reading.

Tobi (jumps up and down and waves his hands in the air): Oh! Oh! Tobi knows! Tobi knows! Pick Tobi!

Leader (sighs): What is it, Tobi?

Tobi: Dessie-Nunu told Tobi everything.

Note: See, this is all Dessie's fault.

Tobi: The reason why Kisame and Kate's kisses and sex scenes are omitted is that Kate is editing the narration. And being sweet, innocent Kate – or so she wants to seem – Kate edits out all mention of her making out with Kisame or getting _down and dirty with the shark boy and his blue_ [omitted].

Note: The italics are Dessie's words, not Tobi's.

Zetsu: That actually makes sense.

Kisame (grins broadly): I could tell you all the stuff we do in bed. [omitted]

Kate: You're not supposed to say that! It's a lie! They're all lies!

Note: They're all lies.

C-Shikamaru: That still doesn't answer what a Nunu is.

C-Chouji: Maybe it's an animal of some sort.

Kisame (snickers): They're definitely animals.

Tobi: Tobi really misses his Nunus. There's a big hole in Tobi's heart where his Nunus ought to be.

C-Chouji: Is he serious?

Leader: Yes.

Tobi is now sobbing hysterically over the absence of his Nunus.

Zetsu: Maybe Tobi needs something to take his mind off of Hannah and Dessie.

Leader: Oh no.

C-Chouji: That might not be that bad of an idea.

Kisame: That's a terrible idea. Terrible. Let's do it.

Kate: Why?

Kisame (whispers): Because maybe Leader will snap and kill Tobi for us. That would be entertaining – and we would have to hear about Nunus all the time.

Kate (also whispers): That's horrible. Horrible. Let's do it.

Kisame: That's my girl!

[Omitted]

Tobi: Tobi knows a great game!

C-Chouji: What game?

Tobi: Dessie-Nunu taught it to Tobi.

Kisame (cheerfully): Well this can't be good.

Tobi: The game is to write a story!

Leader: This is stupid. Only losers with nothing better to do with their lives write stories. They sit at home all day at their computers and don't do anything productive so they can write random crap from their _imaginations_ to entertain the masses. Entertaining the masses will not end the pain and suffering in this world! Only more pain and suffering can bring an end to pain and suffering! People will suffer so much that they will not want any more pain and suffering so they rebel against pain and suffering and become good and peaceful and never touch pain and suffering again – but in order to achieve pain and suffering, someone – me – much teach people the true meaning of pain and suffering.

C-Shikamaru: Um, have you ever heard of a therapist?

Note: I blame Dessie for Leader's painfully long speech, since she inspired Tobi to bring up the whole thing anyways.

Tobi: Tobi wants to play the game! Tobi wants to play the game!

Kisame: Fine, Tobi. How do we play?

Tobi: We each take a turn to say a sentence and together our sentences make up a story.

Kate: Oh. I've heard of this game.

Zetsu: Is it fun?

Kate: No…

Zetsu: We won't play it.

Tobi: But Tobi wants Zetsu to play! The game won't be fun if Zetsu doesn't play!

Kisame: Zetsu, just play.

Zetsu: Only if Zetsu gets to eat later.

Kisame: Fine.

Zetsu: Yum.

Leader: I won't play.

Kate: Just play. What can go wrong?

Note: I will come to regret this comment.

Tobi: Tobi will start off! Tobi will start off!

Leader: Okay, Kisame, you can start us off.

Kisame: Um… Okay… Once there was a fish. Is that a full sentence?

Zetsu: We think so… Um. Once there was a delicious meal with two legs.

Tobi: Wait! Wait! The sentences have to be connected!

Zetsu: You didn't tell us that.

Tobi: Tobi's telling you now!

Zetsu: Fine. The fish didn't taste very good.

Kate: The other fish weren't happy with the bad tasting fish.

Leader: So they killed him.

Tobi: That's terrible.

Kisame: Terrible. Let's do it.

C-Chouji: Er… Right… The mother fish held a funeral for her bad tasting son.

C-Shikamaru: Lots of fish who felt guilty showed up for the funeral.

Tobi: But then – when everyone was crying for the bad-tasting fish's sake – suddenly a light shone down from heaven and a voice said – rise you poor fish – and the bad-tasting fish rose from his coffin and the voice said – you shall taste good, gooder than any fish who came before you and…

Kisame: That's more than one sentence.

Kate: No, he just said 'and' a whole bunch.

Kisame: Isn't that cheating?

Kate: Probably.

Kisame: That's terrible. Terrible.

Kate: Let's do it.

Kisame: My turn! So the fish-who-used-to-taste-bad-but-was-now-good-tasting-thanks-to-the-mysterious-voice-in-the-sky…

C-Chouji: That was Four.

Kisame: A voice called the Great Plant King Zetsu.

Zetsu: We make a guest appearance.

Kisame: And since the stupid fish's name is so damn long his mother decided to rename him Fred.

Tobi: Tobi is pretty sure that wasn't a sentence. Can Kisame restart his sentence in the form of a sentence.

Kisame: I don't remember what I said.

Tobi: Something about a fish-who-used-to-taste-bad-but-was-now-good-tasting-thanks-to the-mysterious voice-in the-sky…

Leader: WHO FUCKING CARES!

Zetsu: Our turn! The Great Plant King Zetsu was hungry so he decided to eat the now delicious tasting Fred.

Kate: Fred was, um, good?

Zetsu: Good-bye, Fred.

Kate: Good-bye, Fred.

Tobi: That's not part of the story!

Note: This is still all Dessie's fault. Never. Teach. Tobi. Stupid. Games.

Leader: The Great Plant King Zetsu decided to teach his subjects a lesson, so he invoked pain and suffering upon them all!

Tobi: Well that's not very nice.

Leader: Shut up. It's not your sentence.

Kisame: Hey, C-Chouji. I'll trade you my next sentence for your next sentence.

C-Chouji: No.

Kisame: I'll pay you.

C-Chouji: Four does not allow bribes.

Kisame: Like hell he does.

C-Chouji: He does not allow bribes from fish men who do [omitted] with their girlfriends.

Kate: C-Chouji didn't actually say the last bit, I swear… THIS IS ALL DESSIE'S FAULT!

C-Chouji: The other fish did not like pain and suffering.

C-Shikamaru: Fred's mother lead and uprising amongst the fish.

Tobi: The gallant uprising lasted a long time and many valiant fish died, but they fought on and, eventually, they triumphed and they killed the evil god who inflicted pain and suffering upon them and…

Leader: The Great Plant King Zetsu killed them all!

Zetsu: Win for the Plant King!

Tobi: You can't do that! You can't do that! That's cheating!

Zetsu": We're a god. We can do whatever we want.

Leader: I'm Leader. Don't fuck with me.

Kisame: And now it's my turn. All the fish were dead and the Great Plant King Zetsu found himself without any subjects.

Zetsu: So he had to find new subjects to eat.

Kate: Ew…

Kisame: Kate, it's your turn.

Kate: Oh. Um… Ew…

Kisame: does 'ew' count as a sentence?

C-Shikamaru: Who cares? Just finish this story already.

Leader: They all died except the Plant King Zetsu and he reigned in a world of pain and suffering. The end.

Tobi: That was two sentences! Cheater! That was two sentences!

Leader: Who cares! The story's over!

Note: Just to make this clear: Once there was a delicious meal with two legs. The other fish weren't happy with the bad tasting fish. So they killed him. The mother fish held a funeral for her bad tasting son. Lots of fish who felt guilty showed up for the funeral. But then – when everyone was crying for the bad-tasting fish's sake – suddenly a light shone down from heaven and a voice said – rise you poor fish – and the bad-tasting fish rose from his coffin and the voice said – you shall taste good, gooder than any fish who came before you and… So the fish-who-used-to-taste-bad-but-was-now-good-tasting-thanks-to-the-mysterious-voice-in-the-sky… (That was Four.) a voice called the Great Plant King Zetsu and since the stupid fish's name is so damn long his mother decided to rename him Fred. The Great Plant King Zetsu was hungry so he decided to eat the now delicious tasting Fred. (Good-bye, Fred. Good-bye, Fred.) The Great Plant King Zetsu decided to teach his subjects a lesson, so he invoked pain and suffering upon them all! The other fish did not like pain and suffering. Fred's mother lead and uprising amongst the fish. The gallant uprising lasted a long time and many valiant fish died, but they fought on and, eventually, they triumphed and they killed the evil god who inflicted pain and suffering upon them and… The Great Plant King Zetsu killed them all! (Win for the Plant King!) All the fish were dead and the Great Plant King Zetsu found himself without any subjects. Ew…They all died except the Plant King Zetsu and he reigned in a world of pain and suffering. The end.

This is all Dessie's fault. And so is this:

Tobi: '''SMOTHER!

C-Shikamaru: Make it stop! Make it stop!

Leader: I could kill it!

Kisame: That's terrible.

Kate: Terrible.

Leader: If either one of you says 'Let's do it' one more time, I will lock you both in a cage with _it_ and leave you there for all eternity!

Zetsu: Let's do it.

Leader (moment of mental spasm): Whatever.

Tobi: 'REEVENAFISHANDYOUDON''REDATINGAFISHANDYOUDON'TUNDERSTANDHOWTHEFISHFEEL!

C-Chouji: Look! Look! Everybody look!

Leader: What…

C-Chouji: We've arrived at Rui!

Scene: Leader, Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, C-Chouji, C-Shikamaru, and I are standing on a hill in the middle of the road staring down at a small town with thatch-roofed buildings. The town of Rui.

Kisame: Thank Warg…

Zetsu: You mean thank the Great Plant King Zetsu.

Kisame: I've heard enough about the Great Plant King Zetsu for today.

Zetsu: You can never hear enough about the Great Plant King Zetsu.

Note: !

Leader: What was that!

Kate: I think half the town just blew up…

Note: That was Dessie's fault too.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This chapter was insanely fun to write. I hope it was just as insanely fun to read. Also, started this chapter at 12:04 and it is now 1:11 - THE SAGA OF THREE CHAPTERS TONIGHT CONTINUES! (And I love this chapter so much I couldn't wait to update).**

**REVIEW! FOR THE LOVE THE GREAT PLANT KING ZETSU! REVIEW! **

**On to the next chapter. By the way, this chapter is brought to being with the help of BARNEY STINSON'S GET PSYCHED MIX from the awesome TV show How I Met You Mother. Watch it. **


	66. And So The War Begins

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.**_

_**A meeting between the Kikensai and the Okensai is about to occur in the town of Rui.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Six: And So The War Begins<strong>

**Hannah**

Okay, so after that extremely weird detour from the actual plot – let's refresh. Deidara, Kakuzu, Hami, Daisuke, and I arrive in Rui, representing the Kikensai and planning on starting a war with the Okensai and, in doing so, taking over Seanova. Great plan, even though the Kikensai has no clue how to fight a war since they're a gang – but, since the Okensai is yakuza, we can only hope that they're worse amateurs at warfare than we are. Great!

Well, we arrive at the meeting place in Rui. Open the door. And – surprise, surprise – Dessie is trying to kill Hidan.

The surprise isn't that Dessie is trying to kill Hidan, the surprise is that they're even there. Where we ought to be meeting the Okensai. With Konan and Itachi and Sasori… and some guy who looks like Deidara.

"Who is he, uhn?" asked Deidara, pointing a finger sharply at his identical twin who was sitting in the corner of the room with his head sandwiched between two knives buried in the wall (apparently this Deidara was a sissy either that or actually skilled enough to dodge enough – which would be an improvement).

"This?" said Dessie, practically jumping up and down with excitement. "This is C-Deidara. Be careful, he's a pervert."

C-Deidara got to his feet and brushed off his pants. He held out a hand to me and smiled winsomely. "Don't listen to the babe with obscenely large breasts – I'm not that bad."

"I see," I said, avoiding C-Deidara's hand.

"I'd be careful if I were you," Daisuke whispered to C-Deidara. "The Sadistic Queen will get revenge if she wants – and it won't be pretty."

"The Sadistic Queen?" said Hidan, pulling the knife out of his heart and licking his blood off. "Where'd that come from?"

Next to me, Hami shuddered in mute horror.

I sighed. "Please don't tell me you're going to give him the nickname of the Blood Sucking Fiend."

"I would never do that…" said Hami, laughing nervously.

"So," said Dessie. "Are these your minions?"

"Yep. You like?"

Dessie shrugged. "Meh. My minions are better. Did you ever meet Aram?"

"Sure."

"_My _minion is hot and funny. Beat that."

"Yeah," I said. "Mine are just stupid. But I have two."

Dessie grinned and shook her head. "Silly Hannah. My minions formed a cult dedicated to me – Aram, Hidan, Boss, and C-Deidara."

"Boss?"

Dessie gestured to a man in his late twenties with curling black hair and green eyes. He waved awkwardly.

"He's the boss of the Okensai," said Dessie proudly. "And my current boyfriend."

"It's a tragedy," said Konan.

"Wait," said Deidara. "Wait. Dessie's dating the leader of the Okensai?"

"Boss," corrected Boss, getting to his feet. He came to stand next to Dessie and wrapped an arm around her waist. "And, yes, Dessie's my woman.

"Tragedy," repeated Konan.

"No way. Uhn." Deidara shook his head.

"Why no way?" asked Dessie. "Sure, he's not as hot as my usual type, but Boss isn't _that_ bad looking."

"Hey!" said Boss indignantly.

"Not that, uhn," said Deidara, waving away Boss's comment. "You see, _I_'m now the leader of the Kikensai."

"Whoa," said Dessie. She blinked. And then – less than a second later – doubled over, clutching her stomach, and trembled with uncontrollable laughter. "That's so weird. And to think we were going to start a fucking war with you!"

Deidara started cracking up too. "I know, uhn! Can you imagine it? You and me at war? The Bang-And-Drop duo fighting on a giant battlefield, uhn! It's not possible!"

[For Bang-And-Drop reference, see _Survival Guide to the Criminally Insanae Akatsuki _ Chapter Seventy-Thre: Don't Mess With The Dess.]

So, while Dessie and Deidara were rolling on the floor with laughter, the rest of us gathered in a circle to drink tea that Aram made and catch up on the situation. And, since we had Boss, C-Deidara, Hami, and Daisuke who had no idea half of what our history was, we had _a lot _of explaining to do. And, even after all that explaining, Dessie and Deidara were still laughing like idiots.

"And… and…" said Dessie between giggles. "We would have been all like – _you son of a bitch, this is my land_ – _not it's not, you're not from around here_ – _neither are you, you son of a bitch_ – _why do you keep calling me son of a bitch _– _because it sounds fucking awesome – you got that right_."

Deidara grabbed his tomach with one hand and pounded the floorboards with the other, still barking laughs. "That doesn't make any sense, uhn!"

"That's why it's so fucking funny! Us mortal enemies!"

"Bang and Drop forever, bitches, uhn!"

"You know," said Kakuzu. "That still sounds like some sort of sick sex move."

"Dear Insert Name Of Whatever God You Wish," said Aram. "I hope it is – that'd be one awesome sex move."

"You could never do it," said Hannah.

"Why not?"

"Because only Deidara can do the Bang and Drop."

C-Deidara grinned.

I sighed. "I mean the original Deidara from the Fence. Only him."

"And," said Hidan slowly. "How do you know only Deidara can perform this sex move, Hannah? Has he tried it out on you?"

I blinked. "Sorry to disappoint, Hidan. But I'm faithful to my boyfriend.

Dessie stopped laughing. She scuttled cross the floor on all fours and flung her arms around my neck. "Hannah! What is this I hear? You have a boyfriend! Tell! Tell! Who is the unfortunate son of a bitch? What did he do to deserve you? Tell me all! Tell me everything! Have you had sex yet? Is he any good?"

A slow smirk drifted across my face. "Oh yes, Dessie. He's _great_ in bed. He knows all these kinky sex moves that _your_ boyfriends could never think of."

Dessie released my neck and leaned back thoughtfully. "Kinky sex moves? Like what? Do they have names? The good old-fashioned reverse cowgirl? Or reverse cowboy?" She went on to describe several extremely nasty sex positions that I would rather not repeat. "Or is it all new? Do you have new names for it? If not, can you describe it to me and I can name it for you?"

I felt like regurgitating my breakfast.

"And here I thought you had run out of ways to disgust me."

Dessie smiled and went on to describe several more weird and kinky stuff. Most of which I suspect Hidan had a hand in since he was sniggering in the background the whole time.

"No, Dessie," I said with a sigh of resignation. "Kakuzu and I have not done any of that… stuff."

"I knew it," said Dessie. "You're not perverted enough to invent a super kinky sex move!"

Konan screamed.

"What?" asked Dessie, glancing around wildly. "What'd a miss?"

"Well, fuck," said Hidan. "Who would have thought."

"Thought what?" asked Dessie.

"Did she really miss that?" asked Sasori.

"Miss what?"

I shrugged. "Dessie has this way of missing the little details."

"What detail?"

"I wonder how long we can keep her in the dark for," said Kakuzu. "I bet fifteen minutes."

"I bet two seconds," said Aram. "Dessie, Kakuzu and Hannah are dating."

Dessie screamed.

Aram extended a hand to Kakuzu. "Cough up."

"I can't believe my boyfriend sucks at gambling so much," I said, mockingly shaking my head.

"Oh shut up."

Konan gasped. "It's the couple's first fight."

"No it's not," muttered Deidara darkly. "They fought all the way here, uhn."

"Actually," said Hami. "You and Kakuzu fought all the way here. Hannah just sat back and watched."

"With popcorn," added Daisuke.

I nodded. "The popcorn was good, wasn't it, minions?"

"Great!" replied the minions.

Dessie's mouth moved soundlessly.

"So wait," said Konan. "Hannah and Kakuzu are dating, but Deidara's still in love with Hannah."

"I'm not in love with anyone, uhn."

"Shut up, Blondie," said Konan. "The fangirl has work to do."

"I was always rooting for you," said Hidan, patting Deidara on the shoulder. "This whole Hanuzu thing came out of fucking nowhere."

"Hanuzu?" scoffed Sasori.

"You got a problem with this?" asked Hidan.

"You call it Kakunnah," said Sasori.

"That sounds like the name of a Hawaiian island," said Dessie softly.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Sasori.

"She's in shock," said Itachi, slowly waving his hand in front of Dessie's eyes. "She'll come round in a seconds of two… Now."

Dessie's head jerked up. "Fuck. No. Bitch. No. Fuck. No. Shit. No. Hell. No. Bitch. No. Whore. No. Fuck. No. Shit. No. Asshole. No. Fuck. No. Whore. No. Hell. No. No. No. Fuck. No. No. No!"

"I think she doesn't like Hanuzu," said Hidan.

"Because Kakunnah is better," said Sasori. "She's a Deinnah fan."

"Fuck no," said Hidan. "She's a Hanara far, obviously."

"Am I the only one whose really confused?" asked Leader.

"Oh," aid Aram. "I can explain. You see, Deidara has been in love with Hannah for a very long time, but he's never been able to admit it even though Hannah knew – Deidara is very obvious about his love affections. But without anyone – not even Dessie, apparently – Kakuzu moved in on Deidara's territory and stole Hannah right from underneath Deidara's nose. But…" Aram paused and tilted his head to the side. "Isn't Hannah married to Zetsu? So isn't Kakuzu moving in on Zetsu's territory? Does Zetsu know? No? Oh Insert Name of Preferred God! Zetsu is going to _kill_ Kakuzu."

"How do you know all this?" asked C-Deidara.

"Dessie tells me everything during our pillow talk," said Aram as he dodged the knife Boss hurled at his head.

"Pillow talk is fun," Dessie said. Suddenly she smiled. "I understand."

"Understand what?" I asked.

Suddenly, Dessie grabbed her stomach and doubled over with laughter again. "Oh Hannah, I understand you so damn well."

"Understand me so damn well what?" I asked.

"You silly stupid girl," said Dessie, patting me on the knee.

"What?"

"You'll figure it out what day."

"Yes," I said flatly. "Because I want to take lessons on my love life from _you_."

"Why?" asked Dessie. "I'm happily dating Boss."

I rolled my eyes. "You don't even know his real name."

"Sure I do…" said Dessie slowly. "It's… It's…" She turned to Boss. "What is your name?"

"Boss. Well, at full, it's Fred Boss, but everyone just uses my surname."

None of a knew the Fred coincidence yet, but by the time we heard the full story, needless to say it lead to several inside jokes that came up every time we'd all had a few too many drinks. Anyways, with that side note aside, back to the important part.

"What is so funny, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Dessie waved away Deidara's comment. "Aw, Hannah and Kakuzu are just so damned _cute_."

"WHAT!"

Deidara's left eye started twitching (the one no one can actually see).

"You two are adorable," said Dessie, squeezing Kakuzu and my cheeks fondly. She released us and we were both to shocked to punish her for it right then and there (believe me, there was retribution later).

"What are you talking about?" asked Kakuzu.

"So cute," said Dessie.

"That's it!" Deidara leapt to his feet and pointed a violent finger at Dessie. "That's it! That's it! That's it! Uhn!"

"What's it?" asked Dessie.

"The Bang and Drop is _over_."

Dessie gasped. "You would never!"

"I would, uhn. You brought this upon yourself, you bitch!"

Dessie got up and grabbed the knife from Hidan. She pointed it at Deidara. "How dare you destroy the Bang and Drop! I'll kill you, you Blond Fur Ball! I'll kill you! Life isn't the same without the Bang and Drop! It was just… it was too epic for words!"

"Wow," said Aram softly. "All this over a sex move?"

"I don't think this is about the sex move," said Itachi.

Aram shook his head. "That must be one hell of a sex move."

Hidan scowled. "Dessie and I never did the Bang and Drop…"

"You only dated for two days," said C-Deidara. "How many kinky sex moves could you two have done!"

Hidan dipped his head and snickered. "We're two perverted immortals who won't die from over exertion. Shit went down."

"You broke the Bang and Drop first!" cried Deidara. "You traitor! You traitor!"

"It's the fucking Bang and Drop!" screamed Dessie.

"Yes, it fucking is!" Deidara grabbed some clay out of his bag and before anyone knew what was going on, a giant bird filled the meeting room.

"You wouldn't dare!" howled Dessie. "You damn Blond Fur Ball, you wouldn't dare!"

"Watch me!"

That was when the building exploded and war began.

It was all Dessie's fault.

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><p><strong>AN: 'MGOINGTOBED**

**Review.**

**Just. Review. Because Fallen says so.**


	67. Well, Fuck

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Seven: Well, Fuck<strong>

**Dessie**

We spend a week traveling on a long and painful road to Rui. And then we have to leave. Apparently the inhabitants of the town don't like strangers who blow up half the town. It wasn't even my fault! Deidara's the one with the stupid explosive clay, I just happened to be the one who goaded him into blowing up half the town… But _no_. Rui kicked us out and kept those idiot bumbling _morons_ of the Kikensai (and Hannah).

"This sucks!"

Konan sighed heavily and shot me a glare over her shoulder. "This is your fault."

"What's my fault?" I asked, shaking my fist in Konan's direction. "I dare you to say it again!"

"This is all–"

"Oh shut up already." Boss rubbed his forehead wearily and shook his head. "Maybe we should just call this stupid war off."

"No!" I cried, grabbing Boss by the shoulders and shaking him violently. "You can't! Do you want to be treated like shitty cowards by Deidara for the rest of our lives? Are you a man? A _real man_ would fight! A _real man_ would win! A _real man_ would massacre the Kikensai troops and trample over their bodies while laughing his head off in the process! A _real _man would bathe in their blood and make red finger paintings in his spare time! Are you a _real man_, Boss, hm? Are you?"

"Who would be a real man in that situation?" asked Aram.

"Hidan," said Konan firmly. "Hidan is a _real man_, worthy of Dessie."

"Shut up," said Boss. "I am a real man. Of course we're going to war. I was just considering all options."

I released Boss and stepped back, grinning broadly. "There's a good Boss."

"Oh my Dessie," said C-Deidara. "The rumors are true."

"What rumors?" asked Sasori.

"You didn't know?" C-Deidara shrugged. "Apparently Dessie is an elegant and evil witch who used her magic to seduce Boss and is trying to defeat the Kikensai to satisfy some old grudge. They're calling her the Demon of Blood."

"Wow," said Konan. "They're surprisingly accurate."

I shrugged. "I fit my name. What else can I say?"

"You're an evil bitch who will end up destroying the world," said Hidan. "Again."

"Wargonia deserved it," I said with a shrug. "I was a faithful Warg-worshipped before they chained me up and tortured me."

"And then you switched to Jashinism," said Hidan.

"That was fairly clever on your part," said Konan. "You could have told the rest of us though…"

"Hell no – that takes all the fun out of it."

"I have no idea what any of you are talking about," said Boss.

"They're talking about the war Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame started when they were skipping worlds," said Aram, shrugging.

"How do you know all that again?" asked Konan.

"Pillow talk," said Aram.

Konan squinted at Aram and then at me. "I can't tell if you're lying or telling the truth."

"Truth," I said.

"Lying," said Boss.

"A bit of both," said Aram.

C-Deidara grinned. "Every time she and Aram talk about sharing a bed, it's actually me they're talking about."

Boss punched him in the jaw.

"Hidan's been quiet on the matter," observed Itachi.

"That's true…"

"Normally," said Sasori. "Hidan would be yelling and cursing at everyone in sight. And trying to murder Aram and Boss and C-Deidara."

Hidan had been walking a few yards behind us, staring off into space as he walked. At the sound of his name, Hidan glanced up. He saw all of us staring at him and grinned demonically. "What are all you fuckers staring at?"

"You're unusually quiet."

"It's out of character for you," said Itachi.

"I'm thinking," snapped Hidan.

I gasped. "That's even more out of character."

"Shut up."

"So what are you thinking about?" asked Konan. "This rarely happens so we're genuinely curious."

"I'm not," said Boss.

"Well," said Hidan slowly.

The rest of us were on tiptoe, waiting to find out what deep and philosophical thought he was going to say (admit it, you're curious too). And then:

"I don't feel anything when I look at Dessie anymore."

…

"Wait!" I said, waving a hand above my head. "Wait! What are you talking about?"

"What feelings?" asked Konan.

Hidan tilted his head to the side. "Well, when I looked at her, I used to feel this annoyed and itchy sensation. Now, I feel nothing."

"Nothing!" cried Konan.

"Annoyed and itchy," repeated Sasori.

"Even I don't feel that," said C-Deidara.

"Well," said Aram. "You just feel arousal. So we don't count you."

"Arousal is better than… um, an annoying and itchy sensation."

"True."

A scowl crept onto my face. I crossed my arms and glowered at Hidan. "What did you just say, you son of a bitch?"

"Annoying and itchy. But not anymore."

"Fuck you!" I screamed and then punched Hidan in the stomach. He gasped for air and doubled over, clutching his gut. I kicked him in the ribs and continued screaming. "How dare you feel nothing for me! I'm a fucking god! I'm fucking divine! I'm _hot_! I'm _gorgeous_! And yet you aren't turned on by this sexy body!" I kicked him again. "Fuck you, asshole! You…You don't even deserve to be a Zombie Whore! You're just a regular whore!"

"She's upset," said Konan joyously. "It's love."

"I think she's more pissed about the fact that he doesn't think she's hot than the fact that he doesn't love her anymore," said Aram.

"Fucking shithead! Are you gay! How can you not be attracted to these breasts! They are perfect! They were made by the gods! And yet you shun them! You say _no_ to them! Fuck you – you can never have them."

"I already have, bitch," muttered Hidan.

I kicked him between the legs.

"I think your boobs are smoking hot," said C-Deidara. "Does that mean I can have them?"

Konan tried to throttle C-Deidara with a paper chain she made. The paper was surprisingly strong. C-Deidara was turning a bright shade of purple. Thankfully, he was saved by a surprising arrival. While I was beating the shit out of Hidan (that scumbag) and Konan was slowly murdering C-Deidara as the others watched – a familiar group approached us from the main road.

"Hey, Dessie!"

I stopped kicking Hidan and glanced up. "Kate!"

Coming closer from a little ways down the road was Kate, Zetsu, and Kisame (apparently Leader and Tobi were a little further back). Kate grinned and sprinted along the road, flinging her arms around my neck. "Long time no see!"

"Same here," I said, hugging her back. "What's up?"

"A lot," said Kate, letting go and stepping back. "I have a split personality now!"

"What?" said Konan, stepping forward to give Kate a quick hug of her own. "How'd that happen?"

"The Temple of Four made Kate dress up as a dude," said Kisame. "So now we have Felix – a gay man trapped in a chick's body."

"Doesn't that just make him a chick?" asked Sasori.

"Apparently not."

"Fuck you, assholes."

I blinked and turned to stare at Kate. I'm pretty sure that comment came out of Kate. Except Kate never said anything like that. Kate was nice and polite. What the hell!

"That was Felix," said Kisame.

"Oh," I said. "Hi, Felix."

Felix flipped me off.

I shuddered. "This is so weird seeing Kate do these things."

"Actually," said Kate proudly. "I flipped Madara off."

The rest of us laughed.

"Aw, poor Kate," said Kisame, patting his girlfriend on the shoulder. "That must have been a nice dream."

"No!" cried Kate. "It really happened."

"Maybe that was Felix's influence," said Zetsu.

"It wasn't! I really – of my own free will – flipped off Madara."

"He was being a shit," added Felix.

Leader, Tobi, and two monks who looked like Chouji and Shikamaru appeared in the distance, Leader was lecturing Tobi about being an embarrassment to criminal organizations of the worlds (on all levels of alternate realities). Leader was in midsentence when he caught slight of Konan. He mouth formed an 'O' shape and then, a sloppy grin spread across his face (yes, Leader can wear a sloppy grin – ).

"How have you been?" asked Leader, as he approached us.

Aram leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Are they dating?"

"Not openly," I muttered back. "But they're like an old married couple."

"Dessie-Nunu!"

Eyes wide, I turned around. Before I could dodge, Tobi flung his arms around my waist and hug-tackled me to the ground.

"Tobi…" I groaned, trying to detach him from me. "Hi… No – _get the hell off of me_!"

"Tobi missed Dessie-Nunu."

"Yeah," I said. "I can tell. Hidan! Get him off of me!"

"Why?" asked Hidan.

"Why?" I screamed. "Why! What is wrong with you!"

"I think it's funny," said Hidan. A grin spread across his face. "The bitch of bitches get what is coming to her – you can suffer, whore."

"Did you just call me a whore!" I howled. "Did you just call me a whore! You're the whore, you fucker! You're the whore!"

"I owe nothing to you, _whore_," said Hidan.

In the end, Aram removed Tobi from me. The second Tobi stopped binding me, I leapt across the dirt road and attempted stab Hidan to death. Unfortunately all this did was make a huge bloody mess in the middle of the road (immortality is a bitch like that).

"So," said Konan, ignoring the scene beside her. "Why didn't you reply?"

Leader blinked innocently. "Reply to what?"

"I sent you a ton of messages," said Konan. "Asking for instruction and giving you an update on the situation."

"Did you?" asked Leader (his meekness was suspicious). "I think these things are broken. I haven't heard anything for weeks."

Sasori snorted.

"He ignored us," said Itachi.

"Probably because he thought it'd be funny to watch Deidara and Dessie battle each other to the death," added Sasori.

Leader swallowed. "Why would I do something like that?"

"Hey," said Kisame. "What is Deidara doing here?" He prodded C-Deidara in the ribs. "Isn't he supposed to be leading the Kikensai?"

"That's C-Deidara," said Konan. "We found him when looking for the Okensai."

"Amazing," said Kisame. "They look identical."

"C-Deidara doesn't say 'uhn'."

"It's an improvement!" cried Kisame.

"That's because he hasn't tried to grope you yet," muttered Konan.

"What!" cried Leader. "C-Deidara tried to grope you?"

"It's okay," said Konan. "C-Deidara's now just another Dessie stalker."

"Speaking of Dessie stalkers," said Kate. "What's up with Dessie and Hidan? They seem weird." She glanced over to where Hidan was sitting on top of me, smirking his face off while I screamed and kicked the ground. "Well that's normal. But Hidan's smugger than usual."

"Apparently he's over his annoyed and itchy feelings for Dessie," said Konan glumly.

"Annoyed and itchy…" repeated Kate.

"What?" cried Kisame. "Hidan stopped liking Dessie! Impossible! It's a lie! A lie, I tell you!"

"It's not a lie, Fish Fry," said Hidan. He was currently sitting on my back while I lay helplessly on the ground, my face smushed against the dirt. Hidan grinned again and slapped my ass. "Nothing! I'm a heartless, murderous psychopath again! Isn't it fucking great?"

"No," groaned Kisame. "All the Love Guru's hard work…"

Kate patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure it's temporary."

"Nope," said Hidan. "Jashin would be proud – I have over come temptation."

"Didn't you sleep with her?" asked Aram. "So didn't you succumb to temptation first?"

"Hey!" snapped Hidan. "It's the long run that counts."

"Well," said Sasori thoughtfully. "When you're immortal the long run is more important."

"So," said Leader. "Have you met with the Kikensai yet?"

"Yes," said Konan. "We're going to war with them. We're returning to the Okensai to make plans."

Leader tried to suppress a grin. "That's terrible. How are the Kikensai? Easy to defeat?"

"You know," said Sasori. "You can just come out and say you know Deidara is the head of the Kikensai."

"What?" said Leader. "Deidara's the head of the Kikensai? Who would have thought?"

"You."

"And you're going to war with him?" Leader shook his head. "That Akatsuki is falling apart. We must remained strong. Hopefully one day we can move past this conflict."

"This is stupid," said Sasori.

Konan shrugged. "Just let him have his delusion."

"We should go try and persuade Deidara against the war," said Leader.

"Of course," muttered Sasori.

"Kisame, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi," said Leader. "We're heading into Rui."

"Are we going to see Hannah?" asked Kate eagerly.

"Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi, jumping up and down wildly.

"Yes…" said Leader. "We have to convince Deidara that a war with Dessie is a bad idea."

I tried to sit up, but Hidan was still weighing down my back. I coughed and shouted to the ground. "Deidara's a fucking shithead – he deserves to die. The battlefield is too good a death for a shitheaded psychopath like him."

"Of course," said Leader. "But he is a part of the Akatsuki."

"Leader's being a shit," I muttered to the ground.

Hidan slapped my ass again. I tried to kick him, but my legs flopped around uselessly.

"I hate you," I said.

"I feel nothing for you," said Hidan proudly.

As Leader, Zetsu, Kate, Kisame, and Tobi departed, I lay on the ground, still coughing on the dirt.

"You know," said C-Deidara. "We should probably help Dessie."

"We could," said Aram. "But this is too funny."

Konan shook her head. "I'm still pissed about her letting Hidan slip through her fingers."

Hidan grinned stupidly.

They left me there for another hour. They continued walking down the road and I was left with Hidan sitting on my back. That son-of-bitch was still gloating about how the annoyed and itchy feeling was gone and no matter how much I tried to convince him that I was as sexy as hell, he refused to listen.

Well, fuck.

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><p><strong>AN: Mwahahahahahahahaahaha The question of the year: who has Dessie actually slept with? Any guesses? **

**Review. Otherwise Hidan will sit on you and never get up. (that's a terrible threat, but it's a horrible experience - just ask Dessie)**


	68. No Sharing Secrets

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Eight: No Sharing Secrets<strong>

**Kate**

Dessie looked, um, unhappy. I felt a bit guilty about leaving her with Hidan-who-no-longer-loves-her sitting on her back, but the whole situation looked really funny… I feel no guilt! Well, I feel very little guilt. On the bright side, I was on my way to see Hannah. Hopefully she was in a better mood than Dessie.

Zetsu had gone ahead to meet up with the Kikensai and organize a meeting place. He returned quickly enough and led us through the streets of Rui, a reasonable sized town, to a small bar (surprise, surprise). We found a booth in the bar and, sure enough, sitting in the booth sipping bottles of sake were Deidara, Kakuzu, and Hannah (and two other random people I didn't recognize).

"Hannah!" I cried, moving across the room to hug her.

Unfortunately, Tobi beat me to it. He jump over a table and flung his arms around Hannah's neck ad wrapping his legs around d her waist.

"Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi. "Tobi missed Hannah-Nunu! Tobi needs Hannah-Nunu to survive! Hannah-Nunu!"

"Get off me," grunted Hannah, try to push Tobi away. "Who let this _thing_ in here?"

"Not me, uhn," said Deidara.

"He just follows me around," said Leader, sliding into the seat next to Kakuzu.

"Hey, Dei-Dei," said Kisame, sitting next to Leader. He patted the seat next to him and I joined him while Zetsu bashfully took the seat next to Hannah and C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji joined him.

"So who are you friends?" asked Kisame, gesturing to the two men sitting between Deidara and Hannah.

"Hami and Daisuke," said Hannah, still trying to pry Tobi off. "They're my minions."

"Minions?" asked Kisame. "Aren't you moving up in the world?"

"I'm the one who's the leader of the Kikensai, uhn," muttered Deidara.

"You're just a figurehead," said Daisuke. "The Sadistic Queen is the true power behind the Kikensai."

"The Sadistic Queen…"

"Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi.

Hannah sighed. "I get a crappy nickname."

"You secretly like it," said Kakuzu.

"Whatever you say, Penny-Pincher," snapped Hannah.

"Why don't I get a cool nickname, uhn?" asked Deidara. "I want a cool nickname."

"Is it just me or has Deidara gotten more pathetic while we were gone?" asked Kisame.

"I've been through an ordeal, uhn," said Deidara. "It's fucked with my head."

"What ordeal could make you this pitiful?"

"Hannah and Kakuzu."

Leader considered this for a second and then nodded. "I see."

Deidara nodded, the corners of his mouth dropping miserably. "Zetsu understands my pain!"

"We do?"

Deidara blinked. "That bitch-who-fucks-anything-remotely-attractive didn't tell you, uhn?"

"Dessie was busy when we visited," said Leader, smirking a little.

"We're still confused," said Zetsu.

"Don't tell them," said Hannah. "It's better if you don't."

"Tell us what?" asked Kisame. "Now I'm really curious."

Deidara slammed his head on the table top. "Hannah and Kakuzu are dating!"

How should I describe this next part… I'm not really sure exactly how to do it justice. The scene goes a little like this: Leader spat up the sake he had just drank. Kisame screamed like a little girl. My mouth dropped to somewhere around floor level. Tobi shrieked and released Hannah immediately. She hit Tobi over the head and he fell onto the floor. Zetsu blinked, then leapt over the table in an attempt to eat Kakuzu's head. Then I started babbling something about congratulations while Kisame said they should have talked to the Love Guru sooner. Leader was still trying to figure out what was going on. Kakuzu tried to fend off Zetsu. Deidara was threatening to blow up the bar while downing his sorrows in alcohol. Tobi was unconscious. C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji were confused. Hami and Daisuke ordered more sake. Hannah yawned.

And then it hit me.

Oh.

"Hannah…" I said, shaking my head.

"What?"

I smiled. "What are we going to do with you?"

"Do with me what?"

Everyone stopped what they were doing (even Zetsu) and turned to stare at me.

"What are you talking about?" asked Kakuzu.

"I see," I said. "I see, Hannah.

"See what?"

"Dessie was the same way, uhn," said Deidara. "She said she knew what was going on and started laughing her ass off, uhn."

"I don't blame her," I said, trying to suppress a smile. "Oh Hannah, oh Hannah, oh Hannah – what do we do with you?"

"What?" She stared at me, open mouthed.

Hami whistled. "The Sadistic Queen's friends can be even more sadistic."

"No," said Hannah flatly. "This is Kate – Kate is _not_ sadistic."

"Too late," said Kisame. "Tobi already ruined Kate's pure and innocent narration. The readers already know Kate does kinky stuff in bed."

"I do not!" I cried. "That was Dessie making up lies and feeding them to Tobi!"

"Tobi believes Dessie-Nunu before he believes Kate," said Tobi firmly.

"Oh," said Hannah. "So I can say all the things I've walked in on Kisame and Kate doing in the bedroom."

"No!" I leaped across the table and fastened a hand over Hannah's mouth. "Never!"

"Remember that time," said Leader. "That Dessie and Hidan caught Kisame and Kate doing it in the living room."

Deidara shuddered. "I've never been able to sit on that sofa again, uhn."

"We couldn't make it to the bed room," said Kisame with a snicker.

"Don't encourage them!" I wailed.

"And that time in the kitchen," said Zetsu. "We could barely eat the juicy thigh of a prostitute we brought home from our last mission."

"I don't know which part of that was more disturbing," said Leader. "The part where they did it in the kitchen or the part where you eat the thigh of a prostitute."

"I know," said Kisame. "Who knows what's been going on around that thigh…"

"Okay," I said loudly. "War's starting soon – what's up with that?"

"That bitch-who-is-as-ugly-as-shit-yet-guys-still-sleep-with-her is going down, uhn," snarled Deidara. "I'm going to blow her into tiny pieces – so tiny that not even Zetsu can eat them."

"We wouldn't count on that," said Zetsu.

"Why do your conversations go from one disturbing to the next?" asked C-Chouji gloomily.

Kisame shook his head and laughed. "And half of us aren't even here. Imagine how kinky this would get if Dessie had a say."

Leader sighed. "You know, I almost miss having everyone together."

"I know," I said. "It's been a long tine."

"Don't you miss Konan's fangirling," said Kisame. "And Hidan's violence."

"And Dessie's perversion. And Sasori's psypathicness."

'And Itachi's 'hn's."

I sniffled. "I miss them so much…"

"Not that much," said Leader. "I can live without most of them."

"But they made drinking parties so much more fun, uhn," said Deidara, grabbing another bottle of sake.

"Especially when Dessie and Hidan tried to kill each other," said Hannah.

"They didn't have to b drunk to do that," said Kakuzu.

"Yeah, but it was always more special at drinking parties," said Kisame. He took a long drink of sake. "Now I'm left trying to drown my sorrow at the bottom of a bottle."

I patted his arm. "I'm sorry. But I don't think you'll find what you're looking for down there."

"I know!" wailed Kisame, burying his head in his arms. "They're not here! Why aren't they here? They belong with us!"

Deidara nodded. "Hidan, Konan, Sasori, Itachi – even that bitch-who-has-a-sex-obsession-problem."

"I even miss that bitch," said Kisame.

"I don't miss that bitch," said Leader firmly.

We stared.

And stared.

And stared.

"Fine," said Leader, wiping a tear from his eye. "I miss that bitch! Are you happy now!"

Hami blinked. "I'm confused."

Daisuke nodded. "I didn't know the Akatsuki were so emotional. It's kind of touching…"

SLAM!

Leader grabbed Daisuke by the back of the neck and whacked Daisuke's head against the bar table. Daisuke lay there, not moving.

"Do you think the Akatsuki is weak?" asked Leader icily. "Us? Weak?"

"He didn't say weak!" cried Hami. "He just said emotional."

SLAM!

Leader beat Hami's head against the table too. Hami slumped forward, twitched slightly, and then stopped moving.

"Anyone else agree with them?" asked Leader. "Is the Akatsuki weak? Hm? Are we emotional and weak?"

C-Shikamaru shook his head soundlessly.

"You're tough and frightening and so scary…" said C-Chouji quickly.

"Are you making fun of us?" asked Leader.

"N-no…"

SLAM!

(Do I really need to describe what just happened? C-Chouji + Leader's strength + table top = C-Chouji is unconscious).

C-Shikamaru slowly slid out of his seat and sat on the floor underneath the table, his knees pulled up to his chest. He didn't come out for the rest of the night. I can't say I blame him.

"So," said Leader, leaning back in his seat. "Anyone else?"

"Well," said Kisame. "Anyone left conscious and with a set of balls is in the Akatsuki – so no."

"And me?" I squeaked.

"You got a problem?" asked Leader.

"No…"

"Exactly."

I sighed and took another sip of my sake (this was my second bottle).

"So," said Leader. "What's your plan for war?"

"No idea," said Kakuzu. "The Kikensai is a gang – they have no clue how to fight a war. Which means – we're fucking screwed."

"Yay…" muttered Hannah.

I snickered.

"What's so funny?" asked Zetsu.

"Oh nothing." I giggled. "I just know the secret to Kakuzu's and Hannah's relationship."

"What secret?" asked Hannah. "I don't even know about it?" She glanced at Kakuzu. "Do you?"

He glanced at me. "I have a hunch."

"Oh," I said. "You're pretty smart."

"Of course."

"I'm confused," said Hannah.

"You'll find out eventually," I said. "Why spoil the surprise?"

"What surprise?"

I grinned. "Oh, Dessie and I are going to have so much fun with this."

"Evil," muttered Deidara.

"That's my girl," said Kisame, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "Now, Kate – can you tell me what the secret is?"

"No."

"Come on…"

"No."

"Please." He put on the puppy-dog eyes.

"No."

"Damn."

I glanced across the table, where Zetsu and Deidara were conferring over something in low voices. No doubt plotting something – that was the only reason they ever talked. Hannah kept glancing over in their direction, a sly smirk plastered on her face. Yep, definitely the Sadistic Queen.

"Are you sure you can't tell me?" asked Kisame.

"Not telling," I said firmly.

"Why not?'

"No secret sharing," I said. "It's not allowed.'

"Please."

"Hannah, Dessie, and I are best friends," I said. "I'm not allowed to tell anyone Hannah's secrets."

"But she doesn't even know what her secret is!"

"That doesn't matter."

Kisame sighed and order up some more sake. "Then I'll just have to get you so drunk, you _have _to tell me."

I finished my bottle of sake and reached for another one. "Still not going to tell you."

"We'll see about that."

I won't tell you how drunk I got that night (very). But after a couple more drinks I forgot everything else. Apparently I missed Deidara and Zetsu's attempt at teaming up on Kakuzu. They failed miserably according to Kisame. Halfway through trying to blow up Kakuzu, Deidara changed targets as Zetsu attempted to eat Deidara's leg. The two of them fell on the ground and ended up exploding half the bar – which led to the Kikensai being thrown out of Rui too.

But, like I said, I was completely blacked out by this point. Thanks, Kisame.

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><p><strong>AN: Thanks 1tE5o6 for the cover of Survival Guide To The Criminally Insane Akatsuki! It looks awesome! God, I'm lying in bed at 7 in the morning uploading this chapter and I feel so tired. No, Fallen - no sleep! Urggggggg.**

**Anyways, review! Or Leader will unleash his wrath upon you! **


	69. Lovey Dovey

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Nine: Lovey Dovey<strong>

**Hannah**

Have you ever seen Deidara try to rally some unenthusiastic troops to war? No. Well it's the funniest thing I have ever seen (and believe me, I've seen some funny shit). He had the Kikensai line up in neat rows and got up on a platform and started yelling at them to preserve their honor and protect what was important to them, while they shouted out insults. Unenthusiasm is a bitch.

So, in the end, Deidara had some of his exploding clay placed in last nights dinner, which everyone ate. Then, he threatened to blow them all to smithereens if they didn't participate in the war. Ah, the joy of terrorist activity to get cooperation. It's effective.

Trying to teach and rebellious army how to be an army is an exhausting task, which, I have to say, Deidara approached skillfully. However, the stress of it all left a toll on poor Deidara. He started flipping out at random moments and at random people. Some of those people including Kakuzu and me.

"Why are you slacking off, you lazy bitches!" screamed Deidara.

"Um," I said. "We're working on battle tactics."

"Who needs battle tactics!" screamed Deidara. "Each side just charges at the other, uhn! What do we need tactics for?"

"You really don't know anything about war, do you?" said Kakuzu.

"I'm training an army here, uhn! Of course I know about war!"

"Yeah…"

"Shut up! Uhn! Shut up!"

"We're just trying to help. We want to win too," I said.

"No you don't! You're both useless! Slackers! I should have fed you clay too – then maybe you'd work properly, uhn!"

"I would have just removed it," said Kakuzu. "At least you were smart enough not to bother."

"What do you know, uhn! You're useless! You couldn't have removed my clay even if you'd tried!"

The fight went on like this for a week or so. Somehow it ended up with Deidara demanding that Kakuzu and I did not actually have any feelings for each other and we should go on a date to prove exactly how lovey dovey we actually were (yeah, I;m not sure how we reached this point either).

And that, dear readers, is how this short saga begins.

Kakuzu and me – on a date. In a little teashop. At a small circular table with a pink table cloth. Eating little heart-shaped pastries. Sipping from delicate teacups. With Deidara sitting across from us, glowering in our direction as he made sure we were 'lovey dovey enough to be together'.

"Well," I said. "This is, um, nice."

Kakuzu examined the tea cup carefully. "This might actually be worth something."

"No wonder the tea here is so expensive," I said.

"Lavender tea," said Kakuzu with a shudder.

"Don't mock it," said Deidara stiffly. "It's _cute_, uhn."

"Deidara," I said slowly. "I think you and I have to work on your definition of cute."

"Don't address me," snapped Deidara. "You and Kakuzu are on a romantic date, uhn, pretend I'm not here."

"It's hard to do with you glaring at us the whole time," I muttered.

"Pretend I'm not here!"

"Okay, okay…" I turned back to Kakuzu and sighed. "So, baby, what's up?"

"You know," he said. "The usual. Preparing for war against some good friends of ours, trying to find the best way to obliterate them from existence."

"Sounds like fun," I said. "Can I join you?"

"Sure." Kakuzu sighed. "Except this jerk who calls himself the leader of the Kikensai – he's a real ass – won't let me work. Instead he forces me to go on a lame date to a lame teashop."

"Oh," I said. "I know what guy you're talking about. He's a real shit. The kind of shit that comes out of the rear end of a cow. Manure type shit."

"_If you say another word, I will feed you dangerous explosives, uhn_."

"You're not here, remember?" I said.

"Yeah, uhn, but that doesn't mean you can talk shit about me!"

"We're not talking shit about you, we're just talking about you," I said. "And you just so happen to be shit."

"This is not lovey dovey!" cried Deidara, pounding his fist against the table. "I expect lovey dovey! Uhn!"

I sighed and slowly turned to Kakuzu. I surveyed him carefully. After arriving in Seanova, he had abandoned the whole mummy wrap around his head. He wasn't wearing his ridiculous Akatsuki robes (sorry, Leader, I know you designed them – but you have to admit, they are terrible). Come to think of it, it was probably a whole six months after our arrival in the Fence that any of us actually saw Kakuzu without his ridiculous mummy hat. Now he sat before me with mussed up brown hair, bright green eyes, tanned skin, with stitches run across his arms and parts of his face. He was no where near Dessie's definition of handsome. But, you know, I could live with dating him – even if he was somewhere in his eighties.

I scooted my chair along the table until I was sitting next to Kakuzu, face to face with Deidara. I intertwined my hand with Kakuzu and smiled at him. "How's your tea?"

Kakuzu blinked, stunned as if he had been hit over the head with a frying pan. Then, a slow smile crossed his face. "It's good – I have to say, even better than Aram's."

"I know," I said. "And Aram had some good tea."

"He doesn't seem like the tea making type," agreed Kakuzu.

I picked up my tea cup daintily and raised it to my lips. I took a careful sip before setting it back down on the saucer. Meanwhile, Kakuzu helped himself to a heart-shaped biscuit. He took a huge bite of the cookie, spilling crumbs everywhere.

I giggled. "You're making a mess."

Kakuzu raised one eyebrow. "Am I?"

"You've got some on your cheek." I leaned over and licked a biscuit crumb off his face.

"That's it! Uhn!" Deidara slammed his fists on the table.

"What?" I asked, pulling away from Kakuzu. "You asked us to be lovey dovey."

"That – that – that…" Deidara scowled. "That was not lovey dovey!"

Kakuzu yawned. "Whatever."

"Don't act so casual!" screamed Deidara. "You're on a date! Uhn!"

"What do you want from us?" I snapped. "Do you want us to stop being lazy and help you win this war? Because that's what we've been trying to do all along! Or would you rather we go on this stupid date that none of us want to be on!"

"Ah-ha!" Deidara pointed at me roughly. "So you admit it! You admit you don't like Kakuzu!"

"When did I admit this?"

"You don't want to be on this date, uhn!"

I sighed. "Yes, because I don't want to be on a date with my boyfriend while you stare at us judgingly it means I don't like him."

Deidara paused and thought this over. "Yes…"

"No."

"You know," said Kakuzu, examining the tea cup again. "This actually is good tea. I don't think the cup with worth anything, but if we steal some of the tea it might actually be valuable – this is the traditional Seanova tea."

I rolled my eyes. "My first romantic date – and we talk about the value of tea."

"Do you have a problem with that?" asked Kakuzu.

"Nope. I think I know a merchant who will give us a good price – with the right persuasion."

"I'm impressed," said Kakuzu. "We've been here only a month and you're already making friends with the dodgy merchants. But, you know, I know a guy too – and I bet he'll give us an even better price than yours."

I grinned. "You want to be?"

"Winner gets the price difference?"

"Deal."

We started to rise from our seats when Deidara slammed his fists on the table yet again. "Wait right there, uhn."

"What did we do this time?" I asked wearily.

"How could you ignore me!" cried Deidara, grabbing Kakuzu by the collar of his shirt. "I'm preparing for a war here and you two just abandon me! What kind of friends are you! Uhn?"

"We're, um, getting money to support your war," said Kakuzu.

"You don't need money to support a war, uhn!"

Kakuzu turned to stare at me. I stared back at Kakuzu.

"The Kikensai are screwed," I said firmly.

"Yep."

"What's that supposed to mean!" cried Deidara. "What are you two plotting this time? Do you want to overthrow me, uhn? Like everyone else! You're all planning to kill me! Every one of you! Well, you can't kill me if I kill you first! Weapons don't work if you're already dead, uhn!"

I sighed and patted Deidara comforting on the shoulder. He stopped screaming and stood there, gasping for air and trying, in vain, to calm himself down. The teashop was dead silent as the lovey dovey couples were staring mutely at the three of us.

"It's okay, Deidara," I said, still patting his shoulder awkwardly. "You might not be the best at war, but Kakuzu and I will help you. War is not all about brute force. While brute force is important, trickery and deception are important too. Deidara, you're good at brute force. That's great – blow armies out of our way. For the deceptions – rely on Kakuzu and me. Remember, never doubt the Masters of the Night."

Deidara had finally calmed down. He lifted his head and let his blue eyes meet mine. "Are you sure?"

I smiled. "Of course – what else am I here for?"

"Thanks, uhn."

I nodded once, and then screamed: "Now!"

Kakuzu whacked Deidara on the back of the head and Deidara fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Well," I said, thrusting my hands in my pockets and stepping away from Deidara's body. "That was successful. Plan Ditch The Whining Lunatic Step One – complete."

"Step two?" asked Kakuzu.

"Right."

We stepped over Deidara's body and headed towards the exit. As we stepped out of the door, I glanced back at Deidara, waved, and then linked arms with Kakuzu. The door slammed shut behind us, leaving Deidara amongst the frilly pink tables and darling couples (bleh).

Kakuzu and I had the whole trip planned. First, we hitched a ride with a cart driver (Kakuzu threatened to chop off the man's hands if he didn't let us ride for free). We traveled with the nice man to the nearest town, which happened to be in the mountains. We left him there (both hands intact) and made our way to the local hot springs inn. Now, we could have been nice, regular people and paid the inn owners – but that would be boring and expensive. So, instead, we smeared dirt on our faces and clothes before appearing, withered and exhausted, at the inn door.

"What's wrong!" cried a short, chubby woman with gray-streaked brown hair.

I coughed and leaned wearily on Kakuzu's arm.

"It's my wife…" gasped Kakuzu. "She's sick… I'm sorry…" He bowed his head. "I wouldn't come if we weren't… I'm sorry… I'll understand if… If…" He swallowed. "If you can't take us. But she's…" He sniffled. "The illness came down a couple days back… She hasn't be improving… I'm afraid, so afraid."

I gagged on the air and buried my face in his shirt. "Kaku…zu…" I choked.

He placed a hand on my forehead. "Shush, love – it'll be okay."

"Oh, you poor dears!" cried the innkeeper, rushing forward to give me a hand. "Please, come in. It's fine – you don't have to pay anything. How can I leave a poor thing like you out in the cold – do you think me heartless?"

"Thank you!" cried Kakuzu. "Thank you – you see, Hannah. This nice woman…"

I smiled weakly at her. "Thank… you…"

"Don't speak," she said kindly. "I'll show you to your room."

And that, dear readers, was the beginning of my lovey dovey first date with my boyfriend.

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><p><strong>AN: First, REVIEW EVERY CHAPTER YOU DAMN LAZY PEOPLE! I LOVE YOU ALL, BUT JEEZ - IT TAKES YOU TWO SECONDS TO REVIEW AND IT MAKES ME MISERABLE WHEN YOU DON'T - I KEEP WONDERING IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME OR SOMETHING! I WORK HARD ON THESE CHAPTERS AND YOU CAN'T DO ME THE ONE FAVOR OF REVIEWING! So, if you haven't reviewed the last chapter - go review it, now. For me? And then review this chapter as well. **

**Second, I have actually written up to chapter 71 and I'm working on 72 - so as long as all you nice people review - I can update whenever I want. I'm because I'm not above saying "I'll Update When I Get Lots Of Reviews For The Previous Chapter", I'll say this: "I'll Update When I Get Lots Of Reviews For The Previous Chapter."**

**Third, this chapter is dedicated to Jynxy119 who went back and reviewed Every Single Chapter of book two. Awww, I love you too, Jynxy119! And everyone else who has review every single chapter. You're all wonderful!**

**Fourth, REVIEW OR KAKUZU AND HANNAH WILL TIE YOU TO A CHAIR IN THE TEASHOP AND MAKE YOU EAT HEART-SHAPED BISCUITS AND DRINK LAVENDER TEA WITH HAMI AND DAISUKE (random minions)!**


	70. Itachi's Friend

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy: Itachi's Friend<strong>

**Dessie**

I collapsed in the seat opposite Hidan and glared. He wasn't paying attention; his eyes were fixed on the pretty barmaid. Hidan waved a hand excitedly, calling her over (supposedly for sake – though I'm sure he had _other_ motives).

"War is exhausting," I said, loudly.

"I hear you," said Aram. "All the – this is how a troop moves – this is how you avoid bombs – is exhausting. You'd think they'd pick it up faster."

"Not everyone is a genius," I said grimly.

The barmaid – whose chest is _clearly_ flatter than mine – appeared with the first round of drinks. Aram, C-Deidara, Konan, Hidan, Sasori, Itachi, and I reached for our sake. The barmaid left – I watched Hidan suspiciously. He wasn't looking at the barmaid. Probably playing hard to get. Who'd fall for such crappy tactics?

"It's a shame Boss isn't here," said C-Deidara. "He could use a break."

"He's still trying to figure out how to fight an open war," said Sasori.

Konan nodded and turned to me. "I don't know how you expect the Okensai to win this war – they're amateurs."

"They have to win," I said flatly.

"Why?"

"For my pride."

"I don't think anyone feels like dying for your pride," said Itachi.

"So? That's their problem, not mine."

"Ah," said Aram. "The bitch that is the Demon of Blood – she rises once again with an uncaringness in her heart."

I shrugged. "I don't know these people. Why should I care if they die?"

"Because they're dying for your cause," said C-Deidara, taking another sip of sake.

"And I care why?"

"Don't try explaining it to her," said Konan. "We've all given up long ago." She sighed. "Remember the good old days when Dessie had a tiny part of her that actually cared whether other people died?"

"Those days existed?" asked Hidan.

"I think they did… once long ago."

"Hidan corrupted that out of her," said Itachi.

"No he didn't," I said darkly. "He did not such thing. It was all me. I corrupted myself. Hidan had nothing to do with it. Fuck off!"

Konan blinked and glanced sidelong at Aram. Aram shook his head grimly.

"So anyway," said Konan loudly. "Drinking – this is our break from war!"

"Finished," said Aram, slamming his empty bottle of beer on the table. "Get me another."

Hidan turned to find the pretty barmaid again. I kicked him in the shins and while he was cringing in pain, I caught the attention of a cute bartender with curly black hair and bright red eyes. He came over with the next round of drinks.

"Cheers!" I said, toasting my next bottle to him.

There was a crash and the sound of breaking glass. I turned around to see what had made the noise. Itachi was sitting at his seat, eyes wide, and staring at the bartender.

"Um," I followed Itachi's gaze to the curly-haired bartender, and then back to Itachi. "What's up?"

"Hn…"

Itachi's lips moved soundlessly.

"You have to communicate better than that," I said.

"Shisui…"

The bartender blinked. "Do I know you?"

I turned to Shisui. "Is he dead?"

"What?" asked Shisui.

"He's C-Shisui," said Hidan.

"He can't be C-Shisui if the original Shisui is already dead," I explained. "Then he's just Shisui. Ever wondered why we don't call Sasori, C-Sasori?"

"Because that's just plain weird," said Hidan.

"If you call me C-Sasori, I will kill you."

"Well," I said. "That too. But mainly because there's no reason to call him C-Sasori. There's no one to get him confused with. Besides, other than not knowing some background details, their basically the same."

"I really will kill you," said Sasori, downing his second bottle of sake. "C-Shisui – we need another round of drinks."

As Shisui went to fetch some more bottles, we all turned to Itachi and leaned forward.

"So," said Konan. "Who is Shisui and how did he die?"

"Hn…"

"Oh!" I said eagerly. "I actually understood that one! He said Shisui was his childhood friend in the Uchiha clan. Shisui had really powerful eyes that were envied by everyone. One of his eyes was taken out by an asshole called Danzo and Itachi found Shisui bleeding and dying. Shisui gave his second eye to Itachi for safekeeping – ew – and then committed suicide to protect the secret of his eyes."

"You got all that from just one 'hn'," said C-Deidara.

"I dated him for awhile," I said. "You pick up some 'hn's here and there."

Shisui had returned with more sake. We took the bottles and invited Shisui to sit down with us. He hesitated at first, but we managed to convince him. Shisui was forced to sit between Itachi and me. I wrapped an arm around Shisui's shoulders and grinned.

"You know," I said. "You're kind of hot. Can I call you the Undead-Hottie?"

"But I'm not undead," said Shisuti slowly.

"Not to you," I said. "But to other people, you've risen from the grave of suicide, so as of now – you're the Undead Hottie." I turned to the table and pointed. "These are my friends – Original Hottie, also known as Itachi."

"I can just call you Itachi, right?" said Shisui.

"Hn."

"That was yes," I translated. "In fact, he would prefer Itachi and he will sharingan your ass to seven different hells if you ever call him Original Hottie."

"I didn't say that part," muttered Itachi.

"I'm just going for dramatic flair." I grinned and ruffled Shisui's hair fondly. "Next we have Konan, our paper butterfly queen."

"That's quite the title," said Shisui.

"Yeah," I said. "But she's worth every syllable. And then we have Aram – avoid him. He may look like a simply blind monk, but actually he's a blind monk who can kick your ass any old day and has a way with the ladies."

Aram grinned. "If my eyes weren't covered in bandages, I'd be winking at you right now."

Shisui glanced at me nervously.

I laughed and pointed at the next person. "This is C-Deidara. The C stands for copy because he's the alternate version of our friend Deidara, who we are currently entering a war with. C-Deidara is an even bigger pervert than Aram and if you have any women precious to you, keep them far, far away from C-Deidara."

"Ah," said Aram. "C-Deidara, causing an increase in women's protection rights since he reached puberty."

C-Deidara snickered. "Don't worry, at the moment I'm only pursuing the Demon of Blood, and she is quite the handful. I don't have time for other women."

"Which I'm glad for," said Konan.

"Who's the Demon of Blood?" asked Shisui.

"We'll get to that," I said. "Right now, we're just moving along the table. Next is Scorpion-Hottie, Sasori. He's a cold-blooded killer who uses puppets as murder weapons. He's kind of scary when you first meet him, but once you get past the blood-thirsty part, he's actually quite sensitive."

"Sensitive?" repeated Sasori.

I nodded. "And you're really cute."

Sasori scowled. "I need to work on my terror factor."

"Give up," said Konan. "Dessie is a terrible measure for how horrifying someone is – I mean, she's turned on by Hidan."

I slammed a knife into the back of Konan's seat, narrowing missing her shoulder. I turned to her and smiled. "What did you say?"

"Nothing…"

"That's what I thought you didn't say." I turned and pointed at the next member of the group. "And that… thing… Well that thing isn't worth your time."

Shisui glanced at me and then at Hidan. Then, he leaned over and muttered to Konan: "Is it just me or is there some sexual tension over here?"

A huge grin spread across Konan's face and she patted Shisui on the shoulder. "I like you."

Of course, I wasn't paying attention to that conversation. Hidan and I were in the middle of a staring contest – each of us trying to bore a hole into the other's forehead. Neither of us was successful (unfortunately). Suddenly, Hidan's eyes jerked to the side, breaking off the competition. I was about to celebrate my victory, when I realized Hidan had broken off eye contact to catch the attention of that fucking bitch of a barmaid.

"That's it!" I screamed, jumping across the table to grab Hidan by the throat. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What are you talking about, you crazy bitch!"

"You! You! Quit staring at every fucking bitch who walks by! It's fucking disgusting! Fuck!"

"I just want some fucking sake!"

"Fuck you! Don't fucking lie to me!"

"Fuck no!"

"Fuck!"

"Fuck!"

Everyone else stared at Hidan and I blankly as I tried to throttle him to death and he tried to do the same to me. Except neither one of us could die, so the whole situation just looked plain stupid.

"Is this, um, normal?" asked Shisui.

"Hn."

"Meet Hidan and Dessie," said Konan, a small smile creeping at the corners of her mouth. "Hidan – the Jashinist, murderous psychopath, and Dessie, the Demon of Blood. They're having romantic issues at the moment."

Hidan had managed to throw me off the table, but I dragged him to the ground with me. The two of us rolled about on the floor, throwing punches and trying to gouge each others' eyes out.

"So," said Sasori leaning forward and taking another gulp of sake. "Itachi actually has friends. Hard to believe."

"What?" asked Konan. "We don't count?"

"You're more like roommates," said Sasori. "The original Shisui actually befriended Itachi for reason other than that Itachi can murder hundreds of people in a matter of seconds."

Konan nodded. "Well, that's true."

"The original Shisui?" asked Shisui.

"Just go with whatever we say," said Konan. "The explanation takes too long and is too complicated."

Aram grinned. "It took up lots of pillow talk time."

Back on the floor, Hidan was trying to pull out my hair while I was trying to scratch his face to shreds. Then, I got a good kick on his groin and Hidan rolled over, groaning. I jumped on top of him and tried to crush his windpipe with my knee, but he managed to kick me in the back, knocking me over.

"Are they going to finish any time soon?" asked Shisui nervously.

"No," said C-Deidara. "That's what makes Dessie so sexy – she just never stops."

Shisui blinked. "Is there anyone at this table she _hasn't_ slept with?"

Konan lifted her hand in the air.

"Right…"

I had my legs wrapped around Hidan's waist and my arms wrapped around his neck. He held his breath (not really necessary) and walloped me in the stomach with his elbow. I released him and fell back, coughing. He got to his feet and stood over me. He stepped on my gut as hard as he could, knocking the wind out of me. I choked on air and then grabbed him by the ankle and threw him to the ground. He missed the floor and hit the bar table instead. Sake flew in all directions, shattering on the floor.

"Oh shit…" I said, staring at the sake and then up at everyone. "We can order a new round…"

Itachi stared at me blankly. He red eyes were clear enough – get more sake now or welcome a whole new world of suffering. Yep. Time to go.

"Barmaid!" I cried, spinning around to catch her attention. "Barmaid! We need another round – _now_!"

"In a moment!" she called back.

"I said _now_, you stupid whore!"

She glared at me, before scuttling to the counter to grab us another round of drinks.

I sighed and slunk back into my seat beside Shisui as Hidan lifted himself back into his spot. C-Deidara patted Hidan on the shoulder comfortingly. "In retellings, Dessie can always be sixteen men twice your size."

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><p><strong>AN: REVIEW or I will personally stick your head in a blender, press on, and then serve you up as a blood, guts, and bones smoothie for Zetsu!**


	71. Mr Nibbles In The Sky

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-One: Mr. Nibbles In The Sky<strong>

**Kate**

Leader, Kisame, Zetsu, Tobi, C-Shikamaru, C-Chouji, and I were permitted to stay in Rui for the time being (we were the only Akatsuki not kicked out of Rui at this point). We had found a nice inn to stay at and were rather comfortable. The only issue was, money was in limited supply – which is where this whole incident originates from.

One day, Leader had opened the kitchen doors of our rooms to find that there was no food. Frustrated and hungry, Leader sent Zetsu, C-Chouji, C-Shikamaru, and I out to the market to replenish out nourishment stock. Why did Leader choose to send us?

1) C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru's constant prayers to the Great God Four was getting on Leader's nerves.

2) He didn't want to see any more of Kisame's and my cuddling episodes.

3) If he was to witness one more second of Zetsu's moping over Hannah's new relationship with Kakuzu, Leader was going to destroy the rest of Rui just to shut Zetsu up.

So, the four of us left the inn and ventured down to the buzzing marketplace of Rui. We wandering amongst the bustling stalls of the food section and picked different fruits, vegetables, and meats, filling the basket C-Chouji carried with foods. To be honest, C-Shikamaru, C-Chouji, and I did not of the shopping. Zetsu just trailed behind us, his head bent and a permanent scowl fixed on his face – sulking.

"You could smile a little," I said.

"We don't want to," snapped Zetsu.

I sighed and picked up a carton of fresh strawberries (or so the label said). "Do you think Leader likes strawberries?"

C-Shikamaru shrugged.

"He likes sandwiches," I mused. "Konan's always in the kitchen making him one for lunch or dinner… or even breakfast."

"That somehow seems sexist," said C-Chouji.

"Probably," I said. "But this is Konan and Leader – it's just natural. If anyone ever asked Dessie to make him a sandwich…"

"We don't even like shopping here," said Zetsu suddenly.

C-Shikamaru glanced over his shoulder at Zetsu. "You're talking now?"

Zetsu bared his teeth and let out a low growl. "We want a fat preacher or a tender child – these fruits and veggies – they're cannibalism!"

"What?"

I patted C-Shikamaru on the shoulder and sighed. "He's a grumpy pants."

"Do people really say that?" asked C-Shikamaru.

"I think it's cute," said C-Chouji.

"Thank you." I smiled and added the strawberries to the cart. "We should get some cheese and bread for Leader's sandwiches."

"You know," said C-Chouji. "The Great God Four doesn't approve of bad language. So many people use the F-word, and the C-word, and the S-word, the P-word, the M-word, the T-word, and the other C-word nowadays. It's not healthy for society. We will rot if young people continue to sprout such disgusting words left and right. Standards will disappear everywhere and soon people will be walking about naked with not a care in the world!"

(I later told Dessie about this conversation and she laughed. She didn't think hot guys walking around naked was a bad idea).

"The other C-word?" I asked.

"Fuck, cunt, shit, piss, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker," said Zetsu.

I turned to stare at him. "I never knew you were one to cuss like that."

"The words C-Chouji can't say," said Zetsu. "Dessie told them to us – the seven words you can never say on TV."

"Oh, right," I said slowly. "I think she told me about that once… And then proceeding to say nothing but those seven words for a full day…" I shuddered. "We were chased out of the mall by a mob of angry parents."

"Dessie sounds like the epitome of the youth who rots our society," said C-Chouji passionately. "She sleeps around, she swears like there's not tomorrow – she's a demon. A devil that will send our youth away from Four and his benevolent teachings!"

"Dessie really isn't like our youth," said C-Shikamaru.

"Dessie isn't really like anyone…"

"We're hungry," said Zetsu.

I loaded four different kinds of cheese into the basket and moved on to the breads. "Do you think Leader likes any kind of veggies on his sandwich?"

"That's cannibalism," muttered Zetsu.

"We're not all plants here," said C-Shikamaru wearily. "I can eat lettuce all I want."

Zetsu gasped. "You demon!"

I cringed and tossed a loaf of wheat bread in the basket. "Hannah and Kakuzu's relationship is having a terrible toll on Zetsu."

"What?" snapped Zetsu. "No it's not. We don't care. We don't care at all. Our _wife_ can date whoever she wants."

"Right…"

"Don't mess with the Great Plant King Zetsu."

"You're not the Great Plant King…"

"But we're the alternate version of him. We're just as great."

I checked the contents of the basket one more time. "I think we're done here. That looks like enough food to last us, right?"

C-Chouji scanned the basket and nodded. "Leader won't kill us for that…"

"Kill us?" I asked.

Zetsu stopped sulking long enough to add: "Leader won't kill Kate and us – he'll only kill you two."

"Cs are expendable," I added. I patted C-Shikamaru on the shoulder comfortingly. "Sorry. We'll do our best to make sure Leader doesn't kill you, though."

I led the way to the checkout of the market, where we paid for the days shopping all at once. C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji wandered behind me, muttering bad things about the heartless Akatsuki (I can't say I blame them). Zetsu followed them, his head bent in frustration and his lips plastered in an immovable frown.

The cashier rung up our shopping and totaled it. As he placed the food in bags, he turned to me with a cute smile and said, "That'll be twenty-two gold pieces."

"Right," I turned to Zetsu. "Pay the man."

Now, dear readers, you remember how, at the beginning of this story, I told you that money was a problem? Well – this is where that problem returns. Because, Zetsu lifted his head and – after a moment – paused in his sulking long enough to say: "I don't have any."

"Oh." I turned to C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji and smiled, albeit a little desperately. "You have money, right?"

"Nope."

"No… I thought you did."

The cashier was glaring at us. His cute smile was gone and was replaced with an equally cute scowl.

"Well…" I said slowly. "We have a bit of a situation here."

"No money. No food," said the cashier flatly (gods, he was cute).

"Well…"

"No."

"But…"

"Get out of here."

"Don't reject… I didn't even get to ask you out…"

"What?"

Zetsu darted forward and grabbed the bags off the counter. He glanced at the cashier and then sprinted away. I blinked – then followed him, legs pumping as fast as they could, the poor miserable things. I think C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru were following us. It was hard to tell. We dodged in and out of the streets, groups of people bowled out of our way. The cashier might have been chasing, but there were definitely some cops. They might have had weapons. I don't know. Gods damn it – why do I always end up chasing away the cute guys! Is it because I hang out with criminals?

"Zetsu!" I wailed. "Wait up!"

As we reached the outskirts of the town, Zetsu screeched to a halt on a rolling green hilltop. I stopped beside him and bent over, clutching my knees and gasping for breath.

C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru caught up – both of them struggling to find air.

"This is what I was talking about," coughed C-Chouji. "The corrupted youth. You're _stealing_ from the hard working merchants."

"Oh shut up," said Zetsu. "We're hungry."

"Try not to eat him," said C-Shikamaru.

"See," said Zetsu. "C-Shikamaru's fine with us stealing – it's only C-Chouji who has a problem. We can just eat the problem – problem gone."

I sighed. "Zetsu, not every problem can be solved by eating it."

"It's worked for us so far."

I glanced along the landscape. The town lay to my right – the cops were drawing closer, determined to get the food back and put handcuffs on our wrists (and – no matter what Kisame might say – I don't like being in handcuffs). To my left was rolling hillside scenery. Two boys were lying in the grass, pointing up at the sky and giggling.

"The cops are coming." I turned to Zetsu. "Now what do we do?"

Zetsu shrugged. He handed me the bags of shopping. Then, he smiled and sunk into the ground, disappearing from sight.

"Hey!" I screamed. "Hey! What did you just do! Zetsu! Get back here!"

"What a coward," muttered C-Shikamaru.

"Corrupted youth," groaned C-Chouji.

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Now what…"

"We can't keep running."

The cops were drawing closer and closer. There was no escape. We couldn't keep running forever. This whole situation was money's fault – money and Hannah and Kakuzu and Zetsu – why! I don't want to go to jail! I'm too young to go to jail! I don't like handcuffs!

What happened next was a blur.

C-Chouji let out a cry of horror. C-Shikamaru shouted my name. My eyes opened.

And one of the little boys on the hill side let out a scream: "That cloud looks like a chicken!"

My head jerked upwards.

Sure enough, drifting through the blue, blue atmosphere was a fluffy, white chicken-shaped cloud.

Mr. Nibbles.

Mr. Nibbles was in the sky. He was free – free as an angel. Perhaps that was heaven… Mr. Nibbles… Are you happy up there?

And then someone – a cop – tackles me to the ground.

My head slammed against the grassy hillside. Everything went fuzzy. When the world rearranged back into order, I rolled over to look at the sky.

Where had Mr. Nibbles gone?

His cloud had disappeared – it looked more like an ox now. An ox!

After that, everything went black.

When I awoke, C-Chouji was sitting on the ground between five bloodied cops. C-Chouji's legs were pulled up to his chest and he was shaking violently. Over and over again, he kept repeating in a soft, strained voice: "Mr. Nibbles is a good chicken. Mr. Nibbles is a good chicken. Mr. Nibbles is a good chicken."

C-Shikamaru was lying on the hilltop, his eyes wide open and his face as pale as the clouds. "I just witnessed a monster…"

The cops – about seven of them in total – were all lying on the hill top, covered in blood and unconscious. The grocery bags were fallen on the ground. I bent over to pick up the food and put them back in their containers.

In the distance, one of the little boys cried, "That cloud looks like a monkey."

"Aw," I said. "Isn't that cute?"

C-Shikamaru sat upright and stared at me in horror. "Oh Four! Save me!"

"What?" I asked. "Did something happen?"

C-Shikamaru blinked. "Don't you… Don't you remember?"

I shook my head. "I think one of the cops knocked me unconscious – are you okay? You look kind of shaken up."

"Fine…"

Next to C-Chouji's trembling figure, a shadow – the size of a giant Venus flytrap, rose from the ground. Half-black and half-white, Zetsu grinned at me. "Did you have fun?"

"You poophead," I muttered, picking up the grocery bags. "I'm telling Hannah you left me to the cops."

Zetsu scowled and shrugged. "Why should I care, my _wife_ is dating Kakuzu – remember?"

He grabbed the bags from me and stormed off in the direction of the village, C-Shikamaru helped C-Chouji to his feet and the two of them scampered after Zetsu, shooting nervous glances in my direction.

I scowled.

And that's when I realized something – Hannah could not date Kakuzu. It was not allowed. Without Hannah single, I could not threaten Zetsu to do anything. That was a problem.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The long awaited return of Mr. Nibbles. OH! And I just realized I forgot to say this. So, even thought this is very late: THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HELPED ME REACH 2000 REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! SO SO SO MUCH! And I plan on creating a book 3 for this series. Name hasn't come into being yet, but I love you all and I wanted to tell you.**

**Also, the question of the year: masturbation or periods - what do you think?**


	72. Hot Springs Vacation

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Two: Hot Springs Vacation<strong>

**Hannah**

I leaned back against the rim of the hot springs and let the steaming water soak over me. Relaxation… Oh dear sweet relaxation… I hadn't felt anything so pleasant since, since I didn't know when. Maybe I should get a massage later? That would be nice. I wondered how Kakuzu was doing. There were few other people in the women's hot springs, so maybe there weren't as many men. Maybe…

I closed my eyes and sighed.

Deidara was going to be pissed as hell when he found we'd knocked him unconscious and ran off to a hot spring. Not my fault – Deidara was being annoying. Hopefully no one attacked him while he was unconscious in the teashop. Probably not, everyone there was on a cute lovey dovey date. Deidara would feel singly at home (who knew he had a fluffy side to him?).

"Hannah?"

My eyes flew open and I sat upright.

Sitting at the pool edge beside me was the dark haired, lilac-eyed C-Hinata.

Pause For Recap: Hinata, member of the Daughters of Darkness – a clan entirely wiped out by Dessie, Hinata was captured when she and another Daughter kidnapped Kate, we pumped her for information, and then left her in the care of the innkeeper C-Tsunade.

"Hey," I said. "Long time no see."

"Same to you."

"So, Hinata – how have you been? Last I saw you, you were in captivity with a woman who, um, didn't like your friends."

"Tsunade?" Hannah scoffed. "I escaped her easy. She wasn't nearly as strong as she pretended to be."

"Oh. So you killed her?"

"No!" Hinata looked horrified by the idea. "I just gave her a good before I returned to the Daughters of Darkness."

"Right. You weren't with the Daughters when…" I trailed off. When Dessie massacred them into a bloody mess.

"No." Hinata hung her head miserably. "I was too late to save them. I arrived after the fact. You're lucky you didn't see it… the horrors. Some of them had their hearts ripped out… and the blood… God, there was so much blood."

I shifted uncomfortably. Yep. I saw it. And then we added to the bloodshed. Durman's and JoJoJo's bodies should have been there too. And C-Itachi.

"So what happened after that?" I asked. "It must have been, um, terrible… Yeah… Terrible."

Hinata nodded. "Well, I was miserable. I ran through the forest blindly, struggling through trees, crying and screaming… I almost killed myself at one point, but… he stopped me."

"Who?"

A slow, shy smile crossed Hinata's face and she dipped her head in embarrassment. "My husband."

"Husband?" I repeated blankly. "We haven't been apart more than a year, but you're already married?"

Hinata nodded. "What can I say? You know… when you know… you know?"

"Uh… No."

"That's too bad," said Hinata sadly. "Maybe you haven't experienced it yet."

"Maybe." I highly doubted I would ever experience it. "But, you know… I have a boyfriend."

"Really?"

"Kakuzu – did you meet him?"

"I don't think so."

"That's probably for the best."

"Yeah, probably. I don't remember your friends being particularly nice. In fact, I don't remember you being particularly nice either."

"Unfaithful friends," I said, nodding.

"Oh. Right."

"I recall you cursing me out and calling me a fucking whore, an ugly bitch, and an evil bitch."

"Sorry."

"I've been called worse."

I leaned back against the rim of the pool and sighed. "So relaxing…"

"So how long are you and Kakuzu here for?"

"Until he finds us."

Hinata hesitated before asking that inevitable question: "Who is _he_?"

"You'll see soon enough," I said. "He'll probably hunt us down like a demon – and when he does arrive, he's kind of hard to miss."

Hinata blinked. "Really?"

"He's a very, um, special person."

I dragged my hand through the steaming water. Ripples spread across the surface in trembling circles.

"Do you want to have dinner with us?" asked Hinata.

I shrugged. "Only if it's on you."

"Sure – my husband's quite successful. He's an heir to a business tycoon."

A slow grin spread across my face, knowing Kakuzu he might have something to say about that. "Sure thing. It's a date."

* * *

><p>The hot springs inn had a nice restaurant, with elegant tables with knives and forks (for once not chopsticks) and china plates. Kakuzu and I arrived first and were seated at a table for four. We ordered some red wine and waited for it to arrive.<p>

"Well this is fancy," said Kakuzu. "Are you sure it's free?"

"He husband's the son of a business tycoon."

"Are you sure we can't con him?"

I sighed. "I knew you'd say that. I feel a little bit bad if I con a man who's buying me dinner already. It's like we're double conning him."

Kakuzu slumped back in his seat. "Fine."

The waiter returned, leading Hinata, in a nice, simple grape-purple dress, and her husband…

I almost dropped my glass of wine. My mouth formed a perfect 'O' as I stared as C-Hinata's very C husband.

"What is it?" asked Kakuzu. He followed my line of sight and jerked back when he saw the husband. With the same duck-ass black hair, coal black eyes, and aloof stare – C-Sasuke caught hold of his wife's hand and smiled in greeting at Kakuzu and me.

"Nice to meet you," said C-Sasuke, taking the seat opposite me.

"Hi…" I trailed off, unable to think of what to say next.

"I'm Kakuzu and this is Hannah," said Kakuzu quickly (at least one of us was thinking).

"So what brings you to these hot springs?" asked Sasuke.

"Vacation."

"We're celebrating," said Sasuke.

"Celebrating what?"

Sasuke grinned and turned to look adoringly at his wife. She brushed her hand against her stomach and beamed over at me. A sinking feeling of dread filled my stomach.

"You're pregnant," I said slowly. "With Sasuke Uchiha's child."

"You know me?" said Sasuke with mild surprise.

"Yeah… of sorts." I leaned over and muttered to Kakuzu. "It's so weird not to hear him as – where's Itachi?"

"Do you have any siblings?" Kakuzu asked.

"No. My mother died giving birth to me. My father never remarried. She was the only woman for him."

"Of course."

"What about you?" asked Sasuke.

"Only child."

"I have a step sister," I added. "And I could have sworn you had an older brother."

"Nope. Only child."

"You sure?" I said, leaning forward slightly. "It's okay if he's a murderous psychopath. We've all been there – we totally understand."

"All been there?" repeated Hinata.

"I'm sure I don't have any siblings," said Sasuke rather passionately.

"His denial is conformation enough," I said.

"I didn't know you had an older brother," said Hinata.

"I don't!"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," said Hinata firmly. "We all have those relatives we'd rather not talk about. I have a cousin who rants about destiny all the time. He's like _oh fate does not want you to win today, you must lose to me not matter how hard you try – you cannot defy your destiny_."

"And what do you say to that?" asked Sasuke.

"I punch him in the face," said Hinata firmly. "What does destiny say to that, asshole?"

We laughed.

"I have an uncle," I said, examining the restaurant menu as I spoke. "He likes to get drunk at parties and almost always ends the night by running around butt-naked in front of the elderly relatives."

"He sounds charming." Sasuke turned to Kakuzu and, after a sip of wine, asked, "So who's your family nut job?"

"My family nut job?" asked Kakuzu. "I am the family nut job."

"It's true," I said. "How many crazy uncles have five hearts, can control the elements, and belong to high class criminal organizations?"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "And how many aunts are fake whores, have minions, and go by the nickname 'the Sadistic Queen'?"

"I have one of those," said Hinata.

"Really?"

"No. I just thought I'd contradict you."

Sasuke grinned and patted his wife's shoulder. "I had an uncle who was in charge of the Kikensai – Uncle Shang. We didn't really keep in contact with him. Bad for business. He was killed a month ago. By some foreigner with explosives."

Kakuzu and I exchanged nervous glances.

I turned back to Sasuke with a nervous smile. "That's terrible."

"Yes, yes, it was." Sasuke didn't seem particularly concerned.

"So…" I said slowly. Then, struck by a thought, I added, loudly, "Where's that waiter? I'm famished."

Sasuke looked around, momentarily distracted. Hinata was rubbing her stomach fondly, completely ignoring Kakuzu and my existences – which, in a way, was comforting. It meant Kakuzu and I could have a quick side conversation.

"This is too weird," I hissed. "Why did we agree to do this?"

"Well, we didn't realize she was married to C-Sasuke."

I nodded. "I thought the original Hinata was in love with the original Naruto who was in love with the original Sakura who was in love with the original Sasuke. And Sasuke was obsessed with Itachi."

"Now, C-Hinata and C-Sasuke are married, while C-Naruto is still in love with C-Sakura, but C-Sakura was attracted to the original Itachi…" Kakuzu grinned demonically. "This place is screwed up."

Mutely, I nodded. "Yeah."

The waiter appeared and took our orders. The moment he was gone, Sasuke turned to us and said, "So what part of Seanova are you from?"

"Um, er," I glanced over at Hinata. "Ahonok, I guess."

"Elberi," said Kakuzu.

"You're from different places?"

"I was raised in Ahonok," I said quickly. "And then I moved to Elberi when I was younger – where I met Kakuzu…"

"Yeah," said Kakuzu flatly. "We're really lovey dovey."

I elbowed him in the ribs, while beaming at Sasuke and Hinata all the while. "Real lovey dovey."

"Really?" asked Sasuke skeptically. "You don't–"

Sasuke never got to finish his sentence, because, at that moment, the building exploded. "Ka-Boom!" The usual Here Comes Deidara And His (Pissed As Hell/Happy As Shit/Jealous As Fuck) Entrance that we all know and love.

Tables, knives, forks, plates, meals, glasses, and people flew in all directions. Hinata screamed and Sasuke tackles her to the ground in order to avoid the debris. I almost forgot to duck, but Kakuzu grabbed me at the last moment and threw me down. We lay there, hands fastened over our heads, until the great trembling sound came to an end.

I peeked up and, sure enough, amongst the wreckage of the restaurant, the blond-haired, blue-eyed bomber stood, scowling. He caught sight of me and stormed across the room. He grabbed me by the wrist, using it to lift me from the ground.

"How dare you, uhn!"

"Hey, Deidara," I said awkwardly

"How dare you run away from me!"

"Long time no see."

Kakuzu got to his feet and brushed some dust off his shirt sleeve. "We only managed one day of vacation."

"I'm in the middle of a war, uhn!" screamed Deidara.

Kakuzu shrugged. "So are we. It was exhausting. We took a break."

"We'll be back to work bright and early tomorrow," I added.

Deidara released me and I rubbed my wrist irritably. At my feet, Sasuke and Hinata sat up. They stared up at Kakuzu, Deidara, and I in horror – unable to believe what they were seeing.

"Are you – Deidara?" whispered Sasuke. "_The_ Deidara?"

"Uhn." Deidara scowled. "What you going to do about it?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "You killed my uncle."

"Who?"

"Shang," I said helpfully.

"Who?"

"The guy with the guillotine."

"Oh, uhn. He deserved to die."

"He was a good man!" shouted Sasuke. "Sure, he was eccentric, but he was a good man!"

"He tried to cut off my head," I said reasonably. "And Deidara's."

"Then you should have let him!" snapped Sasuke. He paused and thought about what he said. "Well… You should have at least just knocked him unconscious and bound and gagged him."

"Nah," said Deidara. "It's one-hundred percent or nothing."

"Ah," said Kakuzu. "The Akatsuki – we have either killed you, robbed you, or never seen you before in our lives and one of the previous is about to happen to you."

I sighed. "The sad part is that's really true."

"You did rob me…" said Hinata slowly.

"And beat you and tortured you," I added.

Hinata blinked. "You people are fucking assholes."

Deidara wrapped one arm around my shoulders and grinned villainously at Hinata. "Yes we are, bitch."

And then he blew up the room. Because, you know, with Deidara once is not enough.

That was the end of our Hot Springs Vacation. Obviously we couldn't stay there any more after destroying the fancy restaurant and almost killing the heir to the Uchiha fortune and his pregnant wife. So, Deidara, Kakuzu, and I headed back to the Kikensai castle to prepare for war.

On the bright side, we didn't have to pay for repairs. (To this day, the innkeeper still thinks I'm a sickly wife to a poor, hardworking man – pity goes a long way).

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry, I had to do it. I'm a HinataSasuke lover. My theory is, if you put them both in the basement and leave them there for a month, they would come out very in love. But since that will never happen, their relationship exists only in fanfiction. NarutoSakura and HinataSasuke - perfect. hahaha **

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter, I loves you! Also, REVIEW THIS CHAPTER or the Akatsuki will tie you to a bed post and beat you and torture you until you actually do review this chapter. Trust me, it's easier just to review in the first place.**


	73. We All Drank

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Three: We All Drank<strong>

**Dessie**

After a stressful week of training, yelling, planning, yelling, fighting, yelling, arguing, yelling, preparing, and yelling, I decided we needed a break before we departed for the battlefield tomorrow. So, I rounded up Shisui, Aram, and C-Deidara to join me for a drinking party. I invited Sasori and the others too, but, according to Sasori that combination was a recipe for disaster. And he was right. I just didn't realize until it was too late.

We arrived at the bar and settled down before catching the attention of the barmaid. She smiled at Aram (who would have thought) and went to grab us some drinks.

"You know," said Shisui, shaking his head. "You are the horniest guy I have ever met."

"I take offense at that," said Aram. "C-Deidara is way hornier."

"It's true," said C-Deidara smugly. "Aram doesn't look at Dessie's body and think – she's hot."

"Well," said Aram. "I _can't_ look at Dessie's body, can I?"

"Right," said C-Deidara. "How do you manage to only sleep with hot women when you can't sleep."

"I just know," said Aram. "I have this sixth sense that allows me to know when a woman is hot and when she likes it dirty."

"You know," said Shisui. "If I had a dollar for every time Aram says something perverted, I'd be a millionaire by now."

"We could make a drinking game of it," I said cheerfully.

"We could make a drinking game of every time C-Shisui says 'you know'," muttered C-Deidara.

"And," Aram said. "Whenever C-Deidara says 'Dessie's hot' – we drink."

"But she is hot." C-Deidara shrugged. "I'm just stating the obvious."

I grinned. "See, C-Deidara's got his balls in the right place."

"And every time Dessie says something vulgar," said Shisui.

"We'd drink every time Dessie opens her mouth," said Aram. "Every time she says 'fuck'…"

"We're going to be so wasted," said Shisui with a laugh.

"Hey," I said. "I'm totally up for this drinking game."

"Let's a do it."

And right about then, the barmaid arrived with our drinks.

_Round One:_

I could give you the details of our first few shots, but that would be boring. We were slow to get into the game at first since everyone was way too aware of his or her bad habits. However, after a few slips ups things got to get more interesting. So: One, two, three – magical time skip!

_Round Two:_

I don't remember how we got to this topic, but the game picked up when, somehow, we ended up asking C-Deidara about his first love. I might be making up this part of the story, but I think it went a little something like this…

"I can't help it," said C-Deidara. "Dessie's super hot – she'd make any man hard."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"Is all you think about how to get laid?" asked Shisui.

"Duh."

"So you never felt anything beyond the physical for a woman?"

C-Deidara paused.

"Whoa!" I slammed my hand on the table. "Hold the fucking phone!"

"Drink!"

We all drank.

I gulped down the shot and then turned my attention back to C-Deidara. "You've been in love? Don't lie to me!" I snapped when he tried to deny it. "You paused. Paused always means there was an exception. So you loved someone? Spill it."

C-Deidara groaned. "So I have to?"

"Yes," said Aram flatly.

C-Deidara apparently was heavily affected by the shot, because he was a little shaky by the second round. However, he wasn't so hammered that he couldn't tell this wonderful story.

"Well, it all began when I was a teenager. I was the son of a very powerful family in east Seanova – we owned a huge shipping industry. My family was very traditional and strict in values – so there was a bit of a problem when I fell in love with my cousin."  
>"<em>You fell in love with your cousin<em>!" cried Shisui.

"I think they have a name for that," said Aram. "Incest. It's highly frowned upon in most societies."

"Shut up," I said. "I'm listening to the story."

"But," said Aram slowly. "Who would have thought our perverted C-Deidara would be victim of the ever tempting incest. It's kind of kinky when you think about it."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"Aram," I snapped. "If you interrupt the story one more time I will slice off every single one of your fingers individually and mix your blood with vodka and make a new drink entitled the Bloody Aram."

C-Deidara snorted. "Story time then. I pursued my cousin without reserve – I didn't actually think it would pay off. Well, it did. We slept together. Got found out. And then we were both expelled from my family."

"Harsh," muttered Aram.

I reached for my spikes.

"Continue, please," said Aram, leaning forward and resting his chin on his elbows.

"After of expulsion I went to find her – seeing as we could finally be together without hiding from the family. However, I had ruined her life and she wanted nothing to do with me." C-Deidara shrugged. "And then I became the womanizing bastard you see before you."

"Aw," I said. "That's fucking terrible."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"Yeah," said C-Deidara. He stared solemnly at the near empty bottle before him. "Dessie's hot."

I groaned. "Jashin damn – what the hell did you do that for?"

"Drink!"

We all drank.

C-Deidara finished his shot and placed his head on the table before falling asleep.

"Oh," I said, examining my empty bottle. "That's why."

_Round Three:_

"One of us down," said Aram, prodding C-Deidara in the side of the head. "Three to go."

"I won't be next," said Shisui determinedly.

"It's only been two rounds," I muttered. "C-Deidara is surprisingly pathetic. Even the original Deidara is better than him."

"So who's next?" asked Shisui.

"Next what?"

"Who's next to tell their first love story."

Aram and I stared at him blankly. "Why would we tell that?'

"You know…"

"Drink!"

We all drank. (Except C-Deidara for obvious reasons).

"You kno…" Shisui trailed off. "You… C-Deidara shared his personal past, it's about time everyone participated."

"Well," said Aram. "If you're so eager, why don't you share."

"Me?'

"That sounds good," I said. "I want to hear about Shisui's past. I already know Aram's story. And he already knows mine."

"Pillow talk," said Aram when Shisui shot him a bemused glance.

"Revealing stuff happens during pillow talk," I added.

"You much know a lot about the Akatsuki then," said Shisui. "Haven't you slept with them all except Konan?"

"Yep!"

Shisui shook his head. "Fine. I'll tell you. My first love was in grade school when I was eight. Her name was Eimi. She was the quiet, shy, nerdy type. Long brown hair and glasses."

"The quiet ones are always the most perverted," said Aram. "Was she good in bed?"

"We were _eight_."

"So?"

"Drink!" I cried.

"I think that deserved two," said Shisui.

"You're right – drink!"

We all drank. And drank again.

"So how does this story go?" I asked.

Shisui thought for a moment. "I loved her from afar at first, but towards the end of the school year, I decided to confess. I cornered her after school and told her what she meant to me." He paused. "She told me she hated stupid and ugly boys like me."

"Oh burn," cried Aram.

"Ignore him," I said. "He's a fucking asshole. Continue with the story."

"Drink!"

"Fuck."

"Drink!"

We all drank. Twice.

"Well, the next day she showed up with a complete makeover. She was beautiful – for an eight year old." Shisui glared at Aram, who was grinning demonically. "Then she proceeded to confess to my best friend – the extremely popular Kakashi."

I coughed. "C-Kakashi was your childhood friend? Damn – that guy is ridiculously popular even in an alternate reality."

"Yep. He could do everything – he was the silent type, extremely talent, smart, funny…"

"You'd think he'd have some huge flaw in this world," I muttered. "He should change his name to Too-Perfect-To-Be-Real-Hottie. Does he wear a mask?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Damn."

Aram laughed. "Shisui's just as pathetic as C-Deidara!"

"And, you know, you're even more pathetic than both of us put together," snapped Shisui.

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"Hey," I said examining my bottle. "All out."

_Round Four:_

"Looks like we all survived round three," said Aram as we called for more drinks.

"That just goes to show how pathetic C-Deidara is," I said.

The barmaid returned with the alcohol. She smiled flirtatiously at Aram before returning to work. I glowered at her as she left.

"I'd sacrifice her to Jashin, but I don't want to disgrace him like that."

"I think Jashin would be overjoyed to have a hot-ass like that sacrificed to him," said Aram, somehow watching the barmaid's ass as she worked (I'm confused too).

"Shut the fuck up." I kicked Aram in the shin beneath the table.

"Ah!" He doubled over, clutching his leg.

"You know," said Shisui. "I think that's two…"

"Make it three."

We all drank. And drank. And drank.

Shisui finished his shots and, slightly woozy, said, "So whose turn is it next?"

"Aram!" I cried, turning to him. "I think C-Shisui will enjoy your story."

Aram snorted. "You just want C-Shisui to get drunk and pass out before you have to tell your story."

"Is it that bad?" asked Shisui.

"Whose? Mine or Aram's?"

"Both."

"Just wait," I said, turning to watch Aram enthusiastically. "It's a _great_ story."

Aram rolled his eyes and picked up his bottle of sake, ready to pour. "My first love was a real perverted girl. She was amazing in bed – knew all these dirty things… Like the Reverse Emergency Landing In The Ocean Without Life Vests – and yes, that's a real sex move – believe it."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"What's that move like?" I asked. "It sounds fun."

"I'll show it to you next time we're in bed…"

"Drink!"

We all drank.

And finished our drinks. Dessie called the barmaid back and she went to fetch more.

"That was a short round," said Shisui, shaking his head. "We're all slipping."

"Shameful," I said. "Just shameful. We're all fucking terrible at this."

"Dessie!"

_Round Five:_

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"So," said Shisui loudly. "Carry on with your story, Aram, before Dessie interrupts again."

"Must first love's name was Hana."

"Hannah!" cried Shisui. "Isn't that Dessie best friend!"

I grinned and flicked Shisui on the side of the head. "Look who's interrupted now."

"Listen," said Aram. "_Hana_. Not Hannah. _Hana_. Hana was a sexy little minx in bed – Hannah could never compare."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"I don't know about that," I said. "Hannah's really creative. She might have some really kinky new sex moves up her sleeves. We'll have to ask Kakuzu next time we see him…"

"Now I'm curious," said Aram thoughtfully. "Maybe I should seduce Hannah the next time I see her."

I snorted. "Good luck with that. You'd have to survive not only her boyfriend, Mr. I Have Five Hearts And Tentacles That Scream I'm A Closet Rapist, but also Mr. I'm A Walking Talking Plant That Eats People and Mr. Art Is A Fucking Bang.'

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"We're completely losing track of the story here," said Shisui. "If this goes on I won't even remember what's going on and we'll have to start the whole damn story over again."

"Then we'll be _really _drunk," I said.

"Right," said Aram. "Well, I began dating Hana for sex. We were the perfect pair. She knew all these things in bed that I couldn't even dream of – she was like a wild animal."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

I checked my bottle and sighed. "Aram's story is going to run us through several rounds."

"I'm nearly done," said Aram. "We dated for almost a year, I learned all sorts of kinky sex moves from her. But, like all good things, it had to come to an end. It was probably for the best. After a year I learned everything from her that I could and I began to grow bored with her sex."

"Can we drink?" asked Shisui.

"Sure."

We all drank.

And here endeth the fifth round.

_Round Six:_

"So did you dumped her because you grew bored with her sex?" asked Shisui disgustedly.

"Nope. She dumped me." Aram laughed. "Apparently she didn't like finding me in bed with other women."

"She caught you more than once and stayed with you for a year?"

"No, she only caught me once – I was very good at hiding it. It just so happened to be the time she caught me, there were three of us in bed."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

Shisui was looking extremely wasted by this point. He groaned and turned to me. "You're right, Aram's story is a killer. But, _I will stay awake for your story_."

Aram hiccupped and shaking put the bottle back down on the table. "Good luck."

I giggled. "The good thing about being immortal is that I get to drink as much as I want and not worry about death – just fucking huge hangovers."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"I think the reason you liked begin immortal was that you got to have crazy Jashinist sex with Hidan," said Aram. "And we don't have to drink for this, I'm only reiterating Dessie's words."

"Safe," cried Shisui in relief. "Why just sex with Hidan? You don't have crazy sex with Aram?"

I laughed. "Aram? Aram and I have never had sex."

"What?"

"We just think it's funny to torment Hidan with our 'pillow talk'," said Aram cheerfully.

"Then what about Itachi?"

"Nope. He's too serious."

"Sasori?"

"Jashin, no."

"Anyone from the Akatsuki?"

"Uh… Hidan."

Shisui blinked. "And that's it. Anyone else?"

I paused to consider it. "Nope. Just Hidan. First time too."

"And you _lied_ about sleeping with everyone else!"

"Well, yeah – you didn't expect me to admit that _Kate_ has a more successful sex life, did you?"

Aram snickered. "At least your sex life is better than Hannah's."

"Yeah, but she has a boyfriend now – that could all change!" I groaned and slammed my head against the table. "I need to have sex."

"Don't look at me," said Aram. "I'm spending tonight with the sexy barmaid."

"Not me," said Shisui flatly. "But C-Deidara will always be available."

"He's asleep." I groaned. "Fuck."

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"So," said Shisui. "Are you going to tell me your and Hidan's story?"

"Why would I do that?" I asked.

"Because," said Shisui slowly. "We're telling the stories of our first loves."

"Who says Hidan is my first love?" I asked. "My first love was the Honeycomb-Hottie."

"What?"

I nodded sincerely. "Yep. I was sixteen and still in high school. I woke up one morning and realized we had run out of Honeycomb – so I had to make an emergency trip to the grocery store to get some. However, some asshole decided to put the Honeycomb on the top shelf – and I'm too fucking short to reach that!"

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"But this _gorgeous_ man came and helped me get the Honeycomb down. Jashin, he was sexy."

"But then you never saw him again," said Shisui slowly.

"No," I said. "I saw him again. I saw him at the checkout. I saw him driving home. I saw him unloading his groceries. I saw him eating breakfast. I saw him getting a shower."

"Okay," said Shisui. "I'm going to stop you there."

"It's terrible," said Aram.

"I know," said Shisui, turning to Aram with slightly surprise. "It's terrible that Dessie thinks her first love is some Hottie she talked."

"That's not terrible," said Aram. "That's Dessie. What's terrible is that Round Six is over and no one even noticed."

_Round Seven_:

The barmaid returned with more drinks, winking at Aram as she handed them over.

"You know," began Shisui.

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"You…" Shisui groaned. "Hidan… You kn… God, this is hard."

"Then shut up," I said cheerfully. I think at this point the alcohol was having a serious effect on me because I started sprouting some complete bullshit. Shisui told me about it later, but I think he was lying, because, according to him, the next part of this story goes like this –

"What the fuck do you know about my romantic problems? Guys are fucking shit. Sure, they're fucking hot, but fuck them. All they're good for is two days of fucking and then you have to fucking dump them or they'll get the fucking wrong idea and then you're in deep fucking shit. Fuck. But then, fuck he decides to fucking betray you and you know that's fucking terrible. But it's not like you give a fuck because he doesn't mean a fucking thing to you – fuck!"

Shisui stared at me. "That is… um…fifteen… Right, Aram?" He glanced over at Aram's seat and found the monk to be missing. "Where'd Aram go?"

I jerked a shaking thumb in the direction of the bathrooms. "You missed it. He left with the fucking barmaid."

"Sixteen then," said Shisui. "Someone get a bartender."

We drank.

And drank.

And drank.

_Round Eight:_

And drank.

And drank.

And drank.

And drank.

What number are we up to? Six down, ten to go.

And drank.

_Round Nine:_

And drank.

Shisui passed out.

I drank.

And drank.

And drank.

Five more.

And drank.

_Round Ten:_

And drank.

And drank.

And drank.

And drank.

And with that, I passed out.

In the end, Sasori was right. The combination of C-Deidara, Shisui, Aram, and I was a disaster. Not only did we end up with a night with no wild party stories to tell, we only had a love session that only Shisui would remember the next day, and I woke up with the biggest fucking hangover you can image.

And no, I am not drinking to that fuck.

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><p><strong>AN: So this is what happened - I had the story written up to chapter seventy-five. I even doubled saved it by e-mailing the story to myself. Then, I had to shut down my laptop. Well, when i went to open the story again, the computer had deleted all my chapters down to chapter sixty-three. WTF! Thankfully, I had up to seventy-two already on the internet, but I had to rewrite this chapter and now the other two. Urgggggggggg I hate Word right now. And my e-mail. This is the second version of this chapter, I don't know which one was better. Thankfully, this was a really fun chapter to write, so I enjoyed it both times. The second version ended up longer. Oh well.**

**REVIEW FOR ALL THAT IS FUCKING GOOD! I wrote this chapter twice. So you'd better review or Dessie will cut off all of you fingers and mix the blood with vodka to make a new drink called You'd Bloody Well Better Review and then make you drink it. (How was that for a threat?)**


	74. Magical Time Skip

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai is beginning**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Four: Magical Time Skip<strong>

**Kate**

This chapter starts and ends a bit differently from other chapters. In order for you to understand what the hell is going on in this chapter, we need to fast forward ten years in the future. Or, as Dessie has developed the habit of calling it, "One, two, three – magical time skip!"

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><p>[The kitchen was a mess, yet again. For once it isn't Deidara's fault – it's Hannah's. Note to self: never leave Hannah alone with them, it has potentially life threatening results. The kettle whistled and I pulled it off the stove and began pouring it into the little mugs. Secret fact of life: The Akatsuki are huge fans of hot chocolate. Leader prefers to keep it quiet because he thinks it will ruin their evil image. I think villains can like hot chocolate just as much as heroes, but Leader refuses to listen to me.<p>

"Is the hot chocolate ready yet?"

I didn't have to glance in the direction of the door to know who it was. "No, Madara, it's not ready yet."

"Put extra marshmallows in mine."

"You get the same as everyone else."

"I don't get special treatment?"

I groaned and, after a moment's hesitation, dropped two extra marshmallow's in his hot chocolate. "Fine. Here you go. Enjoy."

"They're getting bored. It's your turn to narrate. If you don't go entertain them soon, they're going to destroy the hideout."

"You can't control them?"

"Well," said Madara. "I could go terrorize them with my incredible powers and strike fear in their hearts that would give them nightmares for years to come. But then Dessie would flay me alive in the name of Warg."

"And I would help her," I said, placing the hot chocolate on a tray. "But I don't even know what I'm supposed to say – nothing happens until the war starts, and I can hardly narrate _that_."

Madara shrugged and took a sip of his hot chocolate. He paused, considered the drink. And then proceeded to dump the contents in the sink. "It's too sweet."

"You're the one who asked for extra marshmallows!"

"Because I thought it'd be more bitter."

"Hannah makes the bitter hot chocolate. Mine is sweet." I giggled. "Like me."

"Remind me to get Hannah to make me hot chocolate next time."

"You're mean," I muttered, picking up the tray. "Besides, what should I say in this chapter? All that happens is Leader finds a perfect spot to watch the war from."

"Make something up."]

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><p>One, two, three – reverse magical time skip!<p>

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><p>Leaving the town of Rui was difficult. The police had put up poster everywhere, posters that read:<p>

WANTED: REWARD

Crazy Chicken Fanatic – blond woman with a face like an ogre and a blood thirst that cannot be hidden. She will devour you as soon as she lays eyes on you, so keep a safe distance and alert the proper authorities immediately.

I honestly looked nothing like the drooling monstrosity that was on the Wanted Posters, but according to Leader whenever we passed by anyone who so much as mentioned the "crazy _chicken_ fanatic", I started to resemble the poster. In the end, we managed to safely leave the town, but only after Leader knocked my unconscious and Tobi smuggled me out under his cloak (he pretended to a hunch back).

Then, we began the long and, um, interesting journey to the battlefield where the Okensai and the Kikensai were to meet.

The journey start out normal. We walked. And walked. And walked.

But then a giant purple cow appeared and wanted to eat Zetsu. Because cows are herbivores and like plants. And Zetsu is a plant. So the cow tried to eat him while C-Shikamaru, C-Chouji, and I ran away. Leader was too bored to save Zetsu and Tobi was, er, making flower chains for his Nunus. He tried making one for me, but I refused it – since I wasn't _good enough _ to be a Nunu.

Oh, right. Cow. Er… Kisame, in all his coolness, saved Zetsu by hacking the cow the pieces with his vicious-looking sword. The sword ate the cow's chakra – because Kisame's sword is cool like that… And, um, the sword was full.

So we kept on walking.

But then we ran into a giant, er, kangaroo.

And the kangaroo was about to hop in me and squish me flat, but at the last second Tobi changed into Madara and Madara saved me. Madara looked like a real cool guy – he an aloof and a cold-hearted meanie, but secretly he thought I was a cute and adorable girl who was really awesome when she went nuts over chickens. And after he saved me from the evil kangaroo and Kisame smashed the kangaroo to pieces, Madara confessed his feelings for me, but I rejected him – and Felix didn't help me! No matter what Kisame tells you, Felix did not help.

So, Madara was upset by being rejected by an adorable girl like me, so her reverted back to Tobi and did not change until… Does he show up again in this story? Nope. Oh, well because I rejected him, Madara doesn't show up again in this story. That's much better explanation than Squisher's: The travel through time, space, and realities caused the connection between Tobi and Madara to disappear and give Madara moments where he could grab control of the body for long periods of time, but after a while Tobi grew used to this world and Madara's opportunities to gain control of the body diminished until the situation between Tobi and Madara returned to normal. Nope, I think my explanation is better.

Anyways, um, where was I? Right, a giant gazelle just attacked – I mean, um, kangaroo. But then… Oh right, Kisame beat the kangaroo. And Madara disappeared back to Tobi… So we, um, kept walking. Yep. We kept walking.

So… We walked some more. And some more. And some more. Until we reached the battlefield. And we found this real nice hilltop overlooking the field with a couple trees on top so we could have some shade – it was real nice relaxation spot. So, we settled down.

Just as the two armies arrived, we also received a special guest – this part actually happened so listen carefully.

"So you're not participating in the war? Why am I not surprised?"

We looked up into the branches of the trees and saw a small blue gnome resting on the crook between a branch and trunk, watches us carefully.

Recap For Those Who Forgot: The All Powerful Squisher is the Great God Four's right hand man. He's tiny and blue, like a smurf – only even more annoying. We don't like Squisher.

"What are you doing here?" asked Leader irritably.

"I'm here to witness the most decisive battle in Seanova's history," said Squisher.

"Yes," said Leader. "But why are you _here_? There's plenty of other places to watch from."

"I thought I'd watch with friends," said Squisher.

Tobi giggled. "The blue gnome thinks he's friends with Tobi."

"That's sad," said Kisame. "When you get dissed by Tobi, it's _really _sad."

"I wasn't talking about you," said Squisher. He pointed a short, stubby, blue finger at C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji, who were kneeling before Squisher in reverence (Well, they are monks for the Great God Four, of course they'd worship Squisher too). "My dear little minions here want to watch with me."

"Whatever." Leader sat down in the grass and turned to face the war. "When is thing going to start?"

"Hannah's point of view," I said.

"It'd better hurry up," said Squisher. "This chapter in the story has no meaning."

And then the Giant Kangaroo returned and squished poor Squisher into mincemeat. Then we all celebrated and since Dessie and Deidara were overjoyed we all made peace and the war never happened. The end.

Okay, I made that up.

Actually, I made up 80% of this chapter… Actually, let's say 85%...

Okay, we're just switch to Hannah's point of view now.

* * *

><p>One, two, three – magical time skip!<p>

* * *

><p>[I dropped the now empty hot chocolate mugs in the sink and sighed. "That was miserable."<p>

"Yep. On second thought, you should have just stuck to the original script."

I glowered at Madara, who leaned against the doorframe, smirking with that idiot smile on his face. I flipped him off (a habit I've become accustomed to).

"That's not nice. Dear Kate," said Madara stepping further into the kitchen. "You've become quite the cold, heartless meanie yourself."

I scowled and began washing dishes.

"No response? But you were so talkative when it came to giant purple cows and massive kangaroos."

Scrub harder. Scrub harder. Scrub harder.

"Ah, well, Hannah's chapter should be more interesting at least. And make more sense."

"It won't," I said.

"Why do you say that?"

"Oh?" I glanced over my shoulder and grinned smugly at Madara. "You don't know?"

"Cold. Heartless. Meanie." He turned and began to head back to the living room, but he was interrupted by the arrival of a short blond haired boy. The boy took one look at Madara, stuck his tongue out, and strutted across the kitchen to stand next to me at the sink.

"Are you done yet?" he asked.

"Almost."

"Deidara says hurry up – he wants to hear the rest of the story."

"Of course he does."

"Kate's very busy in the kitchen," said Madara. "She's throwing a tantrum because she's terrible at story telling."

"She's always terrible."

"Madara," I said. "Don't teach him bad habits. He'll grow up to be an evil criminal mastermind."

Madara shrugged. "And that's a bad thing? I'm heading back."

He didn't get two feet closer to the door when Kisame came charging into the kitchen. He looked around – first at me, then at Madara, and then at the boy. "Felix! What are you doing here!"

"What?"

"You can't be here," cried Kisame. "This is spoiler territory! No spoilers! Spoilers aren't allowed!"

"Will you stop running around like a stoned fish?" asked Madara warily. "What's not allowed?"

Kisame squinted at Madara suspiciously. "You can't be here either. It's not allowed."

"Why not?"

"Because it makes spoilers! No one likes spoilers!"

"You're the one screaming Felix's name."

Kisame picked up Felix by one arm and grabbed Madara by the back of the neck with the other. "We're going back to the living room before anything worse can happen."

Madara pushed Kisame off and glowered. "I can walk."

Kisame glared. "Of course you can."

Madara scowled. Kisame flipped him off. Madara pulled a knife off the counter. Kisame clutched his sword.

"Oh look at that," I said. "I'm finished with the dishes. Let's go listen to the rest of the story!"

Madara and Kisame stopped glaring. Madara passed Kisame and headed to the living room. He didn't look back.

"I hate that guy," said Kisame, still holding Felix under one arm.

"I hate you," said Felix. "Put me the fuck down."

"That's no language for a young man," said Kisame. "Shame on you. And, as punishment…" He lifted Felix into the air and tossed the boy over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. "Back to the living room."

"No!" cried Felix. "Not like this! Put me down! Put me down! Mommy! Make him put me down!"

Kisame paused half way through the door.

I blinked.

"Damn it!" cried Kisame. "I thought I said no more spoilers!"

He sprinted for the living room.

Oops.]

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><p>One, two, three – reverse magical time skip!<p>

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><p><strong>AN: Second version of this chapter ended up really different. For those of you who are confused, as I know some of you will be, the frame is that Kate, Hannah, and Dessie are telling this story ten years in the future. The []s is a future setting, which means there are spoilers. Kisame doesn't like spoilers. And now, I really have to write book 3. hahaha**

**REVIEW OR KATE WON'T PUT EXTRA MARSHMALLOWS IN YOUR HOT CHOCOLATE! (the ultimate threat haha)**


	75. Spoiler Free

_**Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara have control of the Kikensai (west). Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori have influence over the boss of the Okensai (south). Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame have departed from the Temple of Four (north) with C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji.**_

_**War between the Kikensai and Okensai has begun with Leader, Kisame, Zetsu, Tobi, C-Shikamaru, C-Chouji, Squisher, and Kate watching from afar. NOTE: words between []s take place ten years in the future. Magical Time Skip!**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Five: Spoiler Free<strong>

**Hannah**

And so the war begins. There's only one problem. I barely remember it.

[Deidara: How can you not remember, uhn?

Konan: It's kind of hard to forget a war like that.

Hannah: I don't know, I just don't remember any of it.

Kate: If we keep doing this random magical time skip stuff, the reader will get confused.

Madara: I thought it was fun.

Kate: *flips him off*

Konan: Last chapter of magical time skip.

Kisame: As long as no more spoilers get out…

Dessie: But how are we going to tell the story if Hannah doesn't remember?

Tobi: Tobi will tell! Tobi will tell!

Leader: That is problem… Any ideas?

Deidara: Why don't the rest of us tell the story?

Hannah: This can't go well…]

_Hannah_

I don't remember much, but this is basically what I can remember. I fought with a frying pan. It's a handy weapon – if you ever need a weapon of mass destruction with a hundred percent reliability, always pick the frying pan. The Wargonian armies could not withstand the frying pan and neither could the Okensai armies.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

That's really all I know. Pan + soldier = Bang.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

I might have killed some. I don't really remember.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

All those fancy plans and schemes and strategies were gone.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

"Oh hey, Hannah!"

I turned around, prepared to smash another head in, but found myself face to face was Dessie. She got far behind enemies lines this early in the battle.

"Having fun?' she asked, slicing off the head of a Kikensai soldier with her spikes.

"Do I look like I'm having fun?" I bashed in the brains of an Okensai man.

"Yep – this is way more fun that fighting Wargonians." Dessie stabbed a man through the heart. "Oops, he was one of ours. Oh well."

Right then an Okensai man tried to tackle me. I beat him over the head with my frying pan.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Yep. That's about all I remember.

[Dessie: Really? The war lasted a lot longer than that.

Hannah: I don't recall…]

_Leader_

Let's get this over with. I don't remember any more than the Sadistic Woman With The Frying Pan.

[Deidara: Then why are you narrating, uhn?]

I was sitting on the hill watching the battle in the shade of the maple trees, it was quite comfortable.

"This war is boring," I said.

"I think it's hilarious," said the Blue Man With A Giant Sword.

"It's terrible," said the Blond Girl Who Does Nothing Except When Chickens Are Mentioned. "People are dying left and right."

"You're concerned with people dying now!" cried the Monk Who Eats Too Much But Pretends To Diet. "What about whenever chic–"

The Blue Man clamped a hand over the Monk Who Eats Too Much's mouth. "Shh, we don't mention that word around her."

"Mention what?" asked the Blond Girl. She really is stupider than I thought.

"We're hungry," said the Cannibal Plant Man Who Used To Be A God.

"Please don't say that," said the Monk Who Resembles A Pineapple.

"You pathetic people are more pathetic than I thought," announced the Other Blue Person Present.

"You people bore me," I said, rolling over in the grass to lie on my stomach. "I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when the war is over."

"Tobi will do that! Tobi is a good boy!" shouted the Annoying Person Whose Name I Can Never Remember.

And with that, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until the war was over.

[Hannah: Do you really not know anyone's names?

Leader: You have names?]

_Hidan_

My turn! Let me think…

[Dessie: You can think?]

Shut up, Dessie. No one cares what you have to say, you narrate all the time – let me have a fucking turn!

Now that we got that out of the way, what was I doing during the war? That's right. It's hard to do proper rituals during the war, so I just ran around killing people and yelling out the word of Jashin in hopes that there would be some last second converts before I sliced them too pieces and bathed in their blood.

"Praise Jashin! You heathens! You cannot understand others until you feel their pain! Pain! Suffering! Jashin will liberate you! Feel pain! Suffer with others! Pain! Suffering! Praise Jashin!"

Stab him through the heart, pull out his intestines, cut off his arms, rip open his chest, spear him through the heart, tear off his head – this is like a song! Or maybe a dance the real song was –

"Praise Jashin! May he devour your souls properly! Maybe your torment be fulfilling! Pain and suffering are freedom! Praise Jashin! He will bring you true pain! Pain will save you, you fucking heathens! Pain and suffering and Jashin! P–"

Oh, right.

Now I remember.

That _fucking bitch_ stabbed me through the throat.

Blood spurted out whenever I tried to talk. She stood before me, drenched in blood, and laughing like the whore-bitch she is. I yanked the spear out of my throat and stabbed her though the heart for good measure.

"I'm on your fucking side!"

"So?" she asked. "Your screaming was annoying. You can't convert a damned soul in the middle of a war."

"I can fucking try."

"Your bothering the rest of us."

"Fuck off!"

"Gladly."

And then she bounded back into the middle of the fight to take off more head. Damned bitch. I would get revenge later. In the meantime –

"Praise Jashin you fucking heathens or spend eternity writhing in unmerited torment while fate fucks you over and over again! Jashin and pain and suffering alone can save you! Praise the almighty Jashin!"

[Dessie: *laughs hysterically* I remember that…

Hidan: Shut up, bitch.]

_Konan_

People don't appreciate paper. They see me and my paper and think – oh, she does paper jutsu, she must do some badass origami. No. Just no. See those Kikensai soldiers, the ones who are trapped in my paper whirlwind and have become nothing but red smudges on some pages – tell _them_ it's just some badass origami.

So, I was having fun in this war – compared to Wargonia, it was easy. Except for Deidara, Kakuzu, and Hannah. They're actually semi-competent. But Hannah was dealing with some Okensai soldiers and I hadn't seen Kakuzu anywhere. Which meant Deidara was my only concern. Unfortunately for me, he decided to blow up my paper whirlwind. Jerk.

"Deidara!" I shouted. "Go away!"

"I can't, uhn! This is war!"

He was flying around on the back of one of his stupid clay birds, watching the battle from a safe distance. He would be a problem. Thankfully, I knew the best way to get rid of Deidara.

"Go bother Itachi!"

Recap for those who forgot: When Deidara first joined the Akatsuki he was thoroughly thrashed by Itachi and has sworn revenge since then.

Deidara paused and then started screaming at the top of his lungs: "That damned Uchiha! He thinks he's so better than me, uhn! It's time to show him who's really the strongest around here, uhn!"

And with that, Deidara flew away in search of the Uchiha in order to get his revenge.

Back to my paper whirlwind and the stupid Kikensai soldiers running around on the ground like they could actually harm me.

_Face the wrath of paper, bitches_!

[Hidan: Scary woman.

Leader: That's my Konan.

Kate: But I like origami…]

_Zetsu_

Dead bodies everywhere.

It's a dream come true!

Can we eat? Can we devour the flesh of the dead? Can we munch of their skin? Can we suck the marrow from their bones?

Let's do it!

We will never be hungry again!

There are so many, it'd be a shame to let them go to waste.

No one will miss a few.

If only we had time to eat them all.

Just pick the most delicious ones.

So many dead bodies. So many to choose from. And most are from the Kikensai. Who do you think tastes better? Kikensai men or Okensai men?

Let's find out.

_Deidara_

It's completely different when you see a war from above. None of the people below – the ones who are fighting for their lives and staining the ground with their blood – can touch you. It's like you're immortal.

[Hidan: But you're not. Try being on the ground and being immortal.

Dessie: Why don't you say 'uhn' when you're narrating?

Deidara: Say what?]

After momentarily destroying Konan's whirlwind and then realizing now was my chance for revenge against Itachi, I was soring through the air trying to find the damned Uchiha. My search was interrupted by the sight of a certain damsel in distress.

I swooped down, like the hero I am, and scooped Hannah from the ground, before returning to the immortality of the air. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. She screamed. Apparently she hates flying, but we all know that's a lie. All girls like flying – some just like to play hard to get.

[Hannah: I hate flying.

Deidara: Sure….

Hannah: And I think this happened.

Deidara: It happened, uhn.

Hannah: It didn't.

Dessie: Hannah! Why are you arguing! You don't remember shit!]

Anyways, we were flying through the air, me with one hand fixated around her waist while she tried to 'escape' (AKA playing hard to get). Then, I caught sight of that asshole Itachi. The time had come for my revenge.

_Tobi_

Finally! It's Tobi's turn to narrate! Tobi is a g–

_Itachi_

Hn.

[Kisame: I'll translate, Kisame Style! He means –

I was standing in the battlefield surrounded by Kikensai soldiers and, of course, pawning their asses. Those little shits didn't know what hit them. Well, while I was minding my own business – _like a Boss_ – Deidara decided to drop by – literally. He started firing bombs at my head and screaming that it was his turn for revenge.

Well, there was no way I was letting a Blond Fur Ball defeat me. So I met his eyes – and _sharinganed his ass_. Don't mess with the Uchiha clan, bitches.

Deidara collapsed in defeat and his bird retreated.

Then, I returned to my task of ass-kicking the other side.]

Hn.

[Konan: I'm pretty sure Itachi did not say it that way.

Kisame: It's Kisame Style…

Madara: If we wanted Kisame Style we would use your point of view.]

_Kisame_

Suck it, Madara!

[Madara: I would prefer not to.]

Let me see, where was I at this point…?

[Hannah: Itachi, did you see me on the bird with Deidara?

Itachi: Hn.

Dessie: He says no, but then again, Itachi has bad eyesight.

Hannah: See, I told you Deidara was making it up.

Kisame: Would you all shut up and let me talk?]

I was sitting underneath the trees with my girlfriend, watching the blood, guts, and gore over a bowl of popcorn (courtesy of Squisher, who was still up in the tree). Leader was sleeping in the grass still and Zetsu had wandered off somewhere. Tobi was trying to find Hannah or Dessie on the battlefield, but to no avail.

Just as the end of the war was drawing to a close, a giant clay bird came crashing to the hillside and Deidara and Hannah came rolling off the bird.

[Deidara: See, it did happen, uhn!

Hannah: Then why don't I remember it?

Kisame: Shut up and let me narrate!]

Kate and Tobi rushed to Hannah's side and helped her to her feet. No one helped Deidara even though he had just had his ass sharinganed by Itachi. Of course, this only made Deidara even more upset. One word: rampage.

"That bastard cheated! Uhn! He cheated! Uhn! I don't know how, but he did! Uhn! He's sneaky! Uhn! All Uchiha's are sneaky! Uhn! He's a fat cheater! Uhn! And it's not fair! Uhn! Katsu!"

Deidara decided to blow up the tree Squisher was sitting in. Unfortunately, Squisher escaped.

The tree exploded. Branches, twigs, trunks, and debris flew in all directions. One particularly heavy branch landed on Hannah's head and knocked her unconscious.

[Hannah: That would explain it.

Deidara: Oops, uhn.

Kate: Why does Deidara always end up knocking Hannah conscious and messing with her memory when he blows stuff up.

Dessie: See incident where Hannah lost her memories and thought she was married to Deidara and Tobi was her son.

Kate: Thanks for the reminder.

Dessie: No problem.]

Well, now that we have that mystery clear up, another one takes its place. How the hell did Leader sleep through all that!

_Sasori_

After the Kikensai leaders being thrown out of the battle, the war pretty much came to an end.

[Konan: What about Kakuzu?

Deidara: That's a good question – where was Kakuzu throughout all this?

Hannah: What else would Kakuzu be doing?

Deidara: Huh?]

The rest of the Kikensai army was finished off and the Okensai became the official rulers of Seanova – there was no faction left to challenge them. Boss celebrated with his fellow yakuza. Dessie did her wild and bloody victory dance with Konan, who was still preaching the power of paper. Hidan performed a ritual to appease Jashin.

Me? What was I doing? I was mourning over the death of Hiro, my beloved puppet.

What happened to him?

A pyromaniac with no control dropped a bomb on poor, unsuspecting Hiro and blew the puppet to pieces. Hiro was beyond repair. I help a funeral for Hiro on the battlefield that day. And all the while that I dug his grave, I plotted his revenge.

[Deidara: For the last time I said I'm sorry, uhn!

Sasori: I heard you. Hiro didn't though – because he's _dead_.

Deidara: He was a puppet! He couldn't hear me anyways!

Sasori: *glares*

Deidara: I'm sorry…. I'm sorry… Please don't tie me up by my toes and torture me for a week again.

Kisame: As entertaining as this is, am I the only one who's wondering what Kakuzu was up to?]

_Kakuzu_

I didn't participate in the battle. I snuck around and stole from the dead bodies.

[Hannah: Is anyone actually surprised?

Leader: Not really, no.]

I got quite the hall from that battle. Wives will pay a lot for missing trinkets from their dead husbands. Call me evil all you want – you got drunk off some of that money.

[Kate: All of a sudden I feel dirty.]

Anyways, at the end of the battle we all went to meet Leader and the other where the trees once stood on the hilltop. Leader was still sleeping. Kate were examining an unconscious Hannah. Tobi was freaking out over his Hannah-Nunu. Deidara was feeling guilty while Kisame lectured him for being a pyromaniac (lecturing meant use of fists). I was the first of the war participants to reach the spot.

"Your girlfriend was knocked out by this idiot," said Kisame the instant I arrived.

I glanced over at Hannah to make sure she was still breathing. "She's fine."

"What if she loses her memories again and forgets your existence."

"That'd be funny."

Konan and Itachi arrived next. Itachi looked bored while Konan went to stand over Leader. She regarded him warily and then prodded him in the ribs with her foot. Leader sat up, looked around groggily and asked, "Is it over?"

"Yep."

"Who won?"

"We did."

"As expected."

Any further conversation was interrupted by the sound of Dessie running up the slope and screaming: "I won! I won! I kicked their ass and won! Deidara thought he could better me, but – bitches – I won! Hell yeah! I'm the Evil Overlord of Seanova!"

"This place is doomed," said Kisame gravely.

Tobi tackled Dessie to the ground and the new Overlord of Seanova was powerless to escape the hug.

Sasori crept up the hill, glaring daggers at Deidara, undoubtedly plotting the ten year long vendetta that resulted in Deidara being gagged and chained to the pipes in the basement and left there for half a month.

[Deidara: Don't remind me.

Kisame: But it's fun…

Sasori: Hiro…

Deidara: I ALREADY SAID SORRY! UHN!]

Zetsu returned eventually, munching on the leg of some Okensai soldier (he discovered southern men tasted best – and they were a delicacy since less had died). He took one look at Hannah – human blood from the leg dribbled down his mouth – and asked if he should perform CPR. Hannah woke up instantly.

And so, after months of separation, that was how we all returned together (these moments make me sick – think of the money, Kakuzu, think of the money). But even with reunion – there was still one more question.

Now what?

[Hannah: And there you go – the war between the Kikensai and the Okensai.

Dessie: The story of how I became an Evil Overlord.

Kisame: And now the Magic Time Skip chapters are over, right?

Hannah: I guess so.

Kate: See, we managed to get through this chapter without any spoilers.

Kai: So what happens next?

Kisame: AH! No! SHUT UP KAI! NO SPOILERS! SOMEONE SMOTHER HIM! HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO TALK! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

Dessie: It's a little late now…]

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><p><strong>AN: I have written this chapter twice and to be honest it has not changed at all from the original version. Well, it does a little, but that's not the point. Finally! I knew I was going to use the other Akatsuki's POVs at some point, I just hadn't figured out when. And then this war came up. Wars are generally boring to write about because its hard to make lobbing off heads funny - except none of the Akatsuki actually take this war seriously, which in a way is even more difficult. So, hey, let's tell snippets from different Point Of Views!**

**Now review - Or Hannah will tell Sasori that you're the ones who destroyed Hiro - ENJOY TEN YEARS PLUS OF ENDLESS TORTURE!**


	76. Evil Immortal Overlord

_**Summary of Events: The Okensai have won the war and the Kikensai have been totally destroyed. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Six: Evil Immortal Overlord<strong>

**Dessie**

Thank Jashin the Magical Time Skip chapters are over – my brain couldn't take it anymore. One minute Kate and Kisame are dating and the next– Oh right. No spoilers. Anyways, let's refresh memories here.

The Okensai had just won the war, completely obliterating their rivals, the Kikensai, which, of course, made the Okensai the only faction fighting for control over Seanova left standing. Which made me – the Evil Immortal Overlord of Seanova!

(Konan likes to point out that technically Boss was the Overlord and I was just his woman, but we all know who was really in charge.)

Needless to say, I was ecstatic with my new position…

"Mwahahahahahahahaha suck it! I'm the new Evil Immortal Overlord of Seanova! Kneel before the Demon of Blood and face your imminent destruction! I will crush any rebels! I will squish you beneath my feet and watch you scream! Anyone who disrespects me will find himself a sacrifice to the one true god, Jashin-sama! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

I danced around the hilltop, screaming threats and announcing my new and potentially world-destroying regime. The other Akatsuki members and the two monks watched me in horror and probably a little embarrassment (at this point Squisher had disappeared to Jashin-knows-where).

"Seanova is screwed, uhn," said Deidara.

"Like it would have been any better if you had won," muttered Konan.

"The Akatsuki should just rule the world," said Hidan. "Who cares about the Okensai?"

"The Akatsuki does not need to rule a petty world like this," scoffed Leader. "We have our own world to rule. We can just sit back and watch Dessie destroy this one."

"You want to know what the best part is?" I asked.

"No."

"I'm immortal – so they can't ever try and replace me via assassination! They're stuck with me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

"If she doesn't stop with the evil laughter, I will slaughter her," said Sasori.

"I'll help you," said Hidan.

"Shut up," I said, raising my middle finger at Hidan. "You're just jealous because as the Evil Immortal Overlord of Seanova I have more potential for sacrifices, which means I'm a better Jashinist than you are! Suck it, Zombie Whore!"

Hidan glowered at me. "A scythe to her neck. Lob off her head. Burry it in the ground. That's all it takes."

I jumped up and down and giggled. "Bow before you Overlord, minions! Worship your Queen! Never doubt my power! I am your master!"

"This is going to her head," muttered Kate.

"Just picture it. Seanova, a world ruled by fear. The Okensai, led by two perfect people – Boss is the leader in name, but in reality he is controlled by the beautiful and perfect immortal demon at his side. Over time, Boss must grow old and die, but she will remain perfect. Then, control of the Okensai will pass to her and her alone. She will rule with _power_. If anyone dares to rebel, they will be killed instantly – most likely in sacrifice to Jashin. People will live in fear – they will wake in the night trembling in terror and wetting themselves as they imagine my beautiful, yet cruel face! Seanova is mine! Cower in fear, you wretched people of the dirt!"

"Someone shut her up," groaned Sasori.

"I should have won, uhn," said Deidara.

Hannah rolled her eyes. "You'd be doing the exact same thing."

"Yeah, but I'd be doing it better, uhn."

Sasori stabbed Deidara in the shoulder with a needle and Deidara howled in pain. Sasori muttered something about 'Hiro' and watched as Deidara rolled around on the ground in agony and misery.

"Sasori is a good minion," I said. "Hey, Sasori – how would you like to be my bodyguard?"

"Only if you shut up."

I considered this for a moment. "No deal."

"Hey, Dess!"

I turned around to see Aram, Shisui, and C-Deidara making their way across the battlefield to congratulate me. I grinned and sprinted down the hillside to meet them. I _almost_ tripped over a dead body that Zetsu had munched on a little (that would have been embarrassing – the Evil Immortal Overlord tripping!).

"So now you're the ruler of Seanova," said Aram, he ruffled my hair fondly. "That's my criminal girl."

"Isn't Boss the ruler?" asked C-Deidara.

"In name," I said. "But we all know who controls him – the one who has him in bed."

"But you've only slept with Hidan," said Shisui.

"Shut up – I'll sleep with Boss if it means I can control Seanova."

"But he's not hot."

I shuddered. "He's no… bad. He's – er – plain."

"There's no way she can sleep with a plain man," said Aram. "She can't be the Evil Immortal Overlord."

"I control him now!" I cried. "Without sleeping with him!"

"Yeah," said Aram. "But how long will that last?"

"Damn…"

"So you can't be the Evil Immortal Overlord for long," said Shisui. He sighed. "That sucks. I know it was your dream."

I nodded, wiping away a tear. "I've wanted it ever since a month ago. I've worked so hard too – but I can't sleep with a plain-looking guy – it's not in my nature! It would be putting _this_," I gestured to my body, "to waste."

"Terrible," said C-Deidara, shaking his head. "You're hot body cannot go to waste. You could always sleep with me – then it would be put to a good purpose."

I kicked C-Deidara between the legs. "We have a situation here."

"Dessie-Nunu! Tobi wants to congratulate Dessie-Nunu!"

I turned around to see Tobi sprinting towards me. I yelped and leapt out of the way as Tobi steam-rolled past.

"Don't embarrass the new Evil Immortal Overlord, Tobi!" I wailed.

Tobi tripped and landed face down on a pile of dead bodies.

"That's gross," said Aram.

Tobi sat up and blinked. He prodded a severed head near his feet and said, "Tobi knew this guy…"

"Help me!" Deidara came sprinting down the slow, supporting another needle buried in his shoulder. "Sasori is trying to kill me, uhn!"

Deidara stumbled on a bloodied arm and jumped into C-Deidara's arm in an attempt to avoid face-planting into the death-ridden battlefield. Well, this led to a more awkward situation than before. C-Deidara holding the original Deidara bridal style… What the hell!

"Hi," said C-Deidara. "So you're the other me. You're just as hot as I hoped you'd be."

Deidara blinked. "We've met before, uhn."

"But not so intimately," said C-Deidara. "Though I usually only do this kind of thing with the female gender."

Deidara twisted around at stare at me. "Is the other me always like this, uhn?"

"Do you always end with 'uhn'?" asked C-Deidara.

"End with what, uhn?"

"Yes," I answered.

In unison, they said, "Oh. Well that's disappointing."

Deidara hopped out of C-Deidara's arms and turned to me. "I was hoping he'd be more awesome."

"Same here," said C-Deidara. "But from what I've heard you can't even get one woman in bed."

"One woman,' said Deidara slowly.

"Hannah."

Deidara twitched. "Do you want to know the meaning of art?"

"Nope. I'm not a huge fan of art."

Deidara gasped. "Dessie! This is a lie! He cannot be me! He is not me! It's impossible! It's all lies! Lies, uhn!"

"Dessie!"

I turned around to see who was calling. Boss was marching across the battlefield with some of his commanders at his side. Boss seemed pretty pissed off, though why I can't understand. The Akatsuki marched down the hillside to join Deidara and I – perhaps they sensed some kind of confrontation. I don't know – I was still on a high from becoming the Evil Immortal Overlord of Seanova.

"What's up, Co-Overlord?" I asked, waving.

"Don't you know anything!" snapped Boss.

"Huh?"

Boss pointed ferociously at Deidara. "Tie him up! You cannot leave the enemy leader untied!"

"Why?" I asked. "He lost. He's not going to do anything. Otherwise I'd set Sasori on him."

"No!" cried Deidara. "Not that! Anything but that, uhn!"

C-Deidara snorted. "Pathetic."

Itachi came to stand beside me. He placed one foot on the chest of a dead person and regarded Boss carefully (Jashin! He's so damn hot! I'm drooling right now…). "What the problem here?"

"Itachi!" cried Boss. "Tie up the enemy leader now – Dessie refuses to!"

Itachi looked at Deidara and then back at Boss. "Why would I do that?"

"It would be funny," said Hidan as he arrived next to Itachi.

"It would be," I said. "But I don't want to be told when to tie a guy up! I will tie a man up when I want to tie a man up – no other time."

"He just raged a massive war against us!" snapped Boss.

"And he lost. The end."

"It's never the end! He could try and kill us!"

"I might try and kill C-me," said Deidara. "But I really don't care about you, uhn."

"Tie him up!" screamed Boss.

"Listen, _Boss_," said Leader, having finally arrived at the scene. "You can call yourself Boss all you want, but in the end, you will be nothing more than a measly leader of a pathetic group of criminally who fight wars for no meaning other than that a woman with a loud mouth thought it would be entertaining."

Boss blinked. "Who are you?"

Leader raised one eyebrow. "Who am I? You really have the balls to ask that question? I am _Pain_. I am _Suffering_. I am a _god_. And I am the leader of the most reckless, stupid, ridiculous, crazy, and the most fucking criminally insane evil organization to exist in all the worlds and all their realities."

"Aw," said Hidan. "We didn't know you felt that way, Leader."

"You have no way of knowing that," said Boss.

"Oh shut it," snapped Leader. "The Akatsuki just destroyed all of your head faction in less than a year. Dessie obliterated the Daughters of Darkness because she was _bored_. We destroyed the Ikustaka one by one and managed to hoodwink you into doing our dirty work, thanks Dessie. Then, we took control of the Kikensai and used you to command the Okensai – then we pitted you two against each other. Now the Kikensai is gone and your forces are diminished – _you want to challenge us_?"

Boss's eyes narrowed. "I am the Overlord of Seanova."

"That would be me," I said, raising a hand in the air.

"No – you are no longer part of the Okensai, _bitch_. I'm throwing you out and stripping you of your title."

I blinked.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

"JASHIN DAMN YOU, YOU TRAITOROUS SON OF A BITCH! I WILL KILL YOU! NOT JUST YOU, I WILL DESTROY YOUR WHOLE GROUP – THE OKENSAI WILL BE A FOOTNOTE IN FUCKING SEANOVA'S HISTORY WHILE I REIGN THE EVIL IMMORTAL OVERLORD FOR ETERNITY!"

"Oh no you're not," said Leader. "I'm not staying here for all eternity."

"Fine!" I screamed. "I'll rule by myself – I don't need you. The rest of you can go home and I'll rule Seanova on my own! I will turn this place into Jashin's haven! No one will fuck with the Evil Immortal Overlord! I will punish all traitors and all ugly people! Only Hotties will exist in my Seanova!"

"You're coming home with us!"

"No!"

Leader gritted his teeth. "Don't make me beat you within an inch of your life so that if will hurt for the next year and you won't be able to move again without recalling the agonizing pain burning through your body as I beat you to the place between life and death because you were a bitch who didn't want to go home!"

"Try it!"

"DESSIE!" screamed Kate.

"What?"

Tears were streaming down Kate's face (I have no idea when this happened). She sniffled and tried to wipe the tears away, but they just kept running down her face. Kate whimpered. "Dessie… You can't."

"I can't what? Just watch me!"

"You can't stay here, Dessie," said Kate. "We're all going to go home together. If you stay here you'll be lonely and bored – because we all know you're going to destroy Seanova and when it's a wasteland of misery and destruction and all your subjects rebel against you, so you kill them all and you're the only person left standing – you'll be really, really bored. But we won't be here to entertain you. You won't be able to beat up Hidan anymore. You won't be able to stalk Itachi anymore. You won't be able to do the Bang and Drop with Deidara anymore. You won't be able to push Leader to the limits of his patience anymore. You won't be able to laugh at Kisame's Love Guru schemes anymore. You won't be able to talk about my sex life with Konan anymore. You won't be able to invent new ways to torture people with Sasori anymore. You won't be able to play poker with Kakuzu anymore. You won't be able to dodge Tobi's hugs anymore. You won't be able to be disgusted by Zetsu anymore. You won't be able to laugh at Hannah's secret anymore." Kate sniffled. "And you won't be able to make fun of me anymore!"

I blinked. "Well, yeah."

"Besides," said Kate. "Being an Evil Immortal Overlord is overrated. Madara told me so."

I considered this for a second. "Okay."

And that is the story of how the Demon of Blood almost destroyed Seanova, but the Lady Chosen stopped her and saved Seanova from pain and suffering.

It wasn't until years later that Kisame and Kate finally confessed the truth. At the Temple of Four they learned that if I became the Evil Immortal Overlord of Seanova, none of us could ever leave Seanova. So, Kisame leant Kate some eye drops and she pretended to cry and give an emotional speech to convince me not to stay.

Damn it! I would have been a fucking awesome Evil Immortal Overlord!

* * *

><p><strong>AN: lol. And that was the spectacular confrontation between the Demon of Blood and the Lady Chosen. Completely and utterly forgettable. Oops. hahaha So, the name of the third book, I have decided, is When Gods Go Criminally Insane. I already know the general plot and some big plot twists. I have written this story up to chapter eighty. So, I will update once or twice a day until I reach the end - review every chapter please. And then I will write up the chapter plan for book 3 and start it. Yay! Now - **

**REVIEW OR KISAME WILL TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND FORCE YOU TO LISTEN TO KAT'ES EMOTIONAL SPEECHES UNTIL YOU SCREAM FOR NO MORE! FEAR THE TERRIBLY WRITTEN EMOTIONAL SPEECHES! **


	77. Shipping Wars

_**Summary of Events: The Okensai have won the war and the Kikensai have been totally destroyed. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Seven: Shipping Wars<strong>

**Kate**

"So, what do we do now?"

I turned to stare at Konan. She was supporting the still-woozy Hannah with one arm and staring at Dessie, Boss, and Leader thoughtfully. "I mean, we've just gain control of a nation – but we don't want it."

"I have control of the nation," said Boss.

"I don't know," said Leader. "Can we just give it to the monks?"

"The monks?" Dessie turned to stare at C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji who were still standing on the hilltop (they were too afraid to venture down into the battlefield; the dead bodies disgusted them).

"That's kind of why we brought them along," said Kisame.

"Maybe it will appease Four and we can go home," said Zetsu.

"Oh, that's a good idea," said Dessie.

"You people down have control of Seanova," said Boss loudly. "We do. We're the Okensai! We have control."

"Oh, can it," said C-Deidara. "You just can't admit that the Akatsuki are more awesome than you. And hotter." He glanced at Dessie and grinned.

"You're part of the Okensai!" cried Boss.

"Oh. I quit."

"See," said Dessie, wrapping on arm around C-Deidara's shoulders. "Even C-Deidara thinks I'm better than you."

"You're going to destroy the world."

'I _was_ going to destroy the world," corrected Dessie. "Now, out of the kindness of my heart, I am giving control of Seanova to the monks."

Boss sighed. "You're only doing that to please a god so he can send you home."

"It's better than the reason you want control of Seanova."

"Because I think I can run Seanova better than anyone else and return it to its former glory!"

Dessie blinked. "Leader."

"Yes?"

"I'm sick of this plain-looking-bastard. Can we kill him?"

"I have a better idea," said Leader. "Why don't we just kill the whole Okensai and then they can't complain anymore?"

"Hell yeah!"

Dessie pulled out her spikes while Hidan drew his scythe – the two Jashinists leapt into the fray and started killing Okensai soldiers left and right. Deidara hopped on his giant clay bird, cackling like a maniac, while blowing up the enemy. Sasori brought out his puppets and began teaching the Okensai a new reason to fear. Kisame grabbed his giant sword and began chopping off heads. Konan taught them a new reason to fear paper (giant paper monsters are scary things). And Leader turned to Boss with an icy smile. He sliced Boss into very small pieces while his commanding officers watched. They stared at their diced boss. Turned. And fled. They're smarter than they look.

"Aren't you going to join them?" I asked Kakuzu.

"Me?" He glanced in the direction of the fight. "Nah. They're good."

"He'll rob them of their money later," said Hannah.

"Oh, you can think again?" asked Kakuzu.

"Just as soon as I figure out why you're purple…" she muttered sleepily.

"That probably isn't a good thing," said Kakuzu.

"I think she needs a hospital," I said, inspecting Hannah's eyes carefully.

Itachi stepped past me and stared into Hannah's eyes. I don't know what he did, but when he stepped away, Hannah was standing up straight again and looking very alert.

"Dang," she said. "Those Uchiha know what they're doing."

"What did he do?" I asked.

"Another ridiculous Uchiha magic trick that no one can explain but we're expected to accept without question because they're Uchihas," said Kakuzu flatly.

"It's true," said Itachi.

"You're an Uchiha too?" asked Shisui.

Itachi nodded mutely.

"Awesome. You know, I had a friend just like you once. He was the son of a giant business tycoon, but since Itachi was such a flower-child his father disowned him. Poor Itachi, his own younger brother Sasuke didn't even know his older brother existed."

"I think he's talking about C-Itachi," I said slowly.

"Wait," said Hannah. "I met C-Sasuke."

"You met Sasuke?" asked Shisui.

"Yeah. He really didn't know he had an older brother. He was married to C-Hinata and she was pregnant with his child."

"Sasuke and Hinata?" I asked incredulously. "I always thought it would end up Naruto and Hinata."

"Naruto and Hinata?" repeated Hannah. "Never happening. Naruto doesn't even know she exists. She regards him more as a hero. She belongs with Sasuke."

"I don't think they've ever spoken," said Itachi.

"Well," said Hannah. "We could always lock them in a basement together, leave them there for a month, and when they come out again, I bet they'll be in love."

"Sasuke should be with Sakura," I said firmly.

"He knocked her out and abandoned her," said Hannah. "Sasuke and Sakura make even less sense than Sasuke and Hinata. Besides, Naruto has loved Sakura for years and Sakura has been showing signs of reciprocating his feelings."

"What are they talking about?" whispered C-Deidara.

"Shipping wars," whispered back Aram. "They think it's funning to ship relationships between their enemies."

"It passes the time," said Hannah, shrugging. "We have fifty bucks riding that Kurenai will end up marrying Kakashi now that Asuma is dead."

"It's not happening," said Kakuzu flatly.

"It will happen," said Hannah firmly.

"What about Temari or Ino with Shikamaru?" I asked. "I think Ino all the way."

"Ino will end up with Chouji," Hannah said. "Shikamaru with Temari – she's troublesome like his mother."

"I don't know who any of these people are," said Shisui.

Itachi patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. "You're happier not knowing."

The shipping wars having come to close momentarily, we all turned to see how the battle against the Okensai was going. Actually, we had basically won already. Hidan and Dessie were just drawing the war out for their own amusement, while Deidara had stopped blowing up people and had moved on to blowing up the surrounding hills instead. Sasori had stopped and was now plotting how to torment Deidara next in revenge for Hiro. Leader and Konan were finishing the last of the soldiers while Kisame headed back from the battle.

He sprinted across the dead bodies, hopping over them joyously (think frolicking in the flowers scene where the flowers are actually bloodied corpses). "Kate!"

"Hi," I said, waving awkwardly.

Kisame wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up right off the ground. He spun me in circles and cried, "You should have joined us – killing the Okensai soldiers was so much fun! And it was easy! Even you could have done it!"

"Thanks – but I'd rather not kill anyone. I prefer to remain pure."

"Right," said Kisame, putting me back down. "because _you've_ never killed anyone."

"Shh. Don't ruin her ignorance," said Hannah.

Kisame grinned. "I wasn't going to. And it's good to see you've stopped seeing purple."

"Itachi sharinganed it away."

"Damn good eyes," said Kisame.

Itachi wasn't paying attention, he was talking to Shisui about the Uchiha family at this point.

Eventually all the Okensai soldiers had died and the Akatsuki gathered on top of the hill where C-Shikamaru and C-Chouji were waiting for us.

"Ah! That was so much fun!" cried Dessie, wiping some blood off her face, but only succeeded in smearing some more on there.

"Dead people make me happy," said Hidan.

"I bet I killed more than both of you put together," said Kisame.

Dessie snorted. "Seventy-seven."

"One-hundred-and-fifteen," scoffed Hidan.

Kisame blinked. "Um, I didn't actually keep count…"

"See," said Dessie. "We win by default."

"Jashin's having a good day," said Hidan smugly.

"So," said C-Shikamaru awkwardly. "Now that you've eliminated anyone who would dare challenge your position… what are you going to do?"

"Give power of Seanova to you," said Leader. "_We are passing the power of Seanova to the monks of _Four_ so that we can finally go home_."

"Why are you shouting that?" asked C-Chouji.

"No reason." Leader smiled pleasantly. "So you can go back to the Temple and tell them what we did. You people now control Seanova, congrats."

"You know," said C-Shikamaru. "Gaining control of a nation is not that easy. You have to gain the respect of the people and politics…"

"Do I look like I care?" asked Leader.

"Rule Number Fifty-One," said Hannah. "Leader does not care."

"He really doesn't, uhn," said Deidara.

"Alright," said Leader. "I've fulfilled my promise. Now scram. I don't want to see your holy faces ever again."

C-Chouji and C-Shikamaru recoiled in surprise. They exchanged nervous glances, and then, after a moment's hesitation, they ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction.

Leader turned back to the Akatsuki practically beaming. "So glad. They drove me insane. I had to keep them with me for this one reason."

"Oh well," said Kisame. "They're gone now."

"I really hope that doesn't happened to me," said C-Deidara.

Deidara turned and scowled at his counterpart. "Scram. I don't want to see your identical face again, uhn."

"It's not nearly as menacing when you do it," said C-Deidara, yawning. "I only listen to Dessie, Konan, Itachi, and Leader."

"Why Itachi?" asked Kisame.

"He scares me."

"Fair enough."

We fell into a heavily silence.

"So…" said Dessie slowly.

"Way to make it award," said Kisame.

"I didn't make it awkward," said Dessie. "It was already awkward before I said anything."

"It wasn't awkward until you made it awkward."

"Why do we care who made it awkward?" asked Konan. "Someone say something entertaining."

"I want to know why Four isn't bringing us home yet," said Hannah.

"Maybe he's busy," said Zetsu.

"Or maybe he doesn't really care if we stay here forever or not," said Kakuzu.

"He'd better bring us home soon," said Leader. "Otherwise we're going to have a few things to say to him."

"Do those things involve weapons of mass destruction?" asked Hidan.

"Obviously."

Hidan cackled villainously. "I've always wanted to try killing a god."

Thankfully, we were saved from trying to kill a god by the arrival of Squisher – who is the assistant thing to a god. We still don't like Squisher, but now was a convenient time for him to show up, so we liked him a little bit more right then.

"Hey, Squisher," said Kisame. "Sup?"

"Stay away from me," said Squisher bluntly.

"We want to go home," said Leader. "We gave control back to the monks of Four – we've fulfilled our purpose. The Demon of Blood didn't destroy Seanova, the Lady Chosen stopped her."

I giggled and shared a secretive glance with Kisame – eye drops always do the trick.

"Yes, yes," said Squisher. "We know. I'm here to represent the Great God Four. He would like to explain to you how the alternate reality works in relation to your world."

"We don't care," said Deidara.

"Think of your world as a particle. It is miniscule and unimportant. Next to it is Earth, another world. Next to that is Wargonia. And then Descopia. And then Swedahardal. Basically, each world is one particle and together the worlds form, um, let's imagine it as a piece of paper. A series of worlds that run on one parallel. Each particle that makes up that flat sheet of paper is a world."

"This makes Tobi's brain hurt."

"Now, imagine another piece of paper placed on top of your piece of paper. The papers are identical, but they're not made of the same particles. Basically on the first piece of paper is the Fence. On the second piece of paper is Seanova. Seanova is an alternate version of the Fence. It takes up the same space on the second piece of paper that the Fence takes up on the first piece of paper. Earth exists on the same piece of paper as the Fence and then there exists and alternate version of Earth on the second piece of paper."

"So, do alternate version of Hannah, Dessie, and I exist on the alternate Earth?" I asked.

Squisher nodded. "Your alternate selves have no traveled to Seanova, so you remain on the alternate Earth living your alternate lives."

"Okay," I said. "That makes sense."

"Wait," said Kisame. "You're actually listening to this?"

"She actually understands it?" asked Hidan.

"Anyways," said Squisher loudly. "There are an infinite number of papers stacked on top of your paper, so that while there are a finite number of worlds – 10,344 – there are infinite alternate versions of each world."

"So," I said. "There are thousands of other versions of me living in thousands of alternate worlds?"

"More."

"Infinite mes?"

Squisher nodded.

"My brain feels like it's about to explode," groaned Dessie.

"It makes sense to me," I said.

"Hn."

"I wasn't listening," said Hannah. "Kakuzu and I were stealing from dead bodies."

"Good haul," said Kakuzu. "The Okensai was far richer than the Kikensai."

"I'm explaining important stuff!" cried Squisher. "Shut up and listen!"

"But we don't care," said Leader. "Can we just go home now?"

"No," said Squisher. "You have to stay here for the rest of eternity because you won't _listen_."

And with that he vanished.

Leader sighed. "I guess we're going to go kill a god after all."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: What is there to say? I don't know how much Squisher's explanation made sense, but that is the general situation of their universe. It comes into book 3 so... yeah. But no one cares what Squisher has to say. Sorry, Squisher. **

**Review - or Konan will unleash her paper hellions on you and Zetsu will eat your mangled remains!**


	78. Carnival

_**Summary of Events: The Okensai have won the war and the Kikensai have been totally destroyed. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Eight: Carnival<strong>

**Hannah**

Our plan to find and destroy the Great God Four was put on hold. Why? Carnival.

The peoples of Seanova found us – the organization who rescued them from the rule of the Kikensai and the Okensai – and decided to throw a giant party for us. And, being the Akatsuki, who are we to turn down a party with alcohol?

So, I'll begin with the Akatsuki, Shisui, Aram, and C-Deidara sitting at a table with lots of alcohol in the town of Ahonok. We'd were in a hall, filled with the important people of Seanova, listening as speeches were given about how awesome we are.

"The Akatsuki came to this world as strangers – foreigners from another land who knew little of our customs – but that didn't matter to them. All they cared about what that the people of Seanova were oppressed! Oppressed by the warring factions who sought to rescue us from the evils they created themselves!"

"We really didn't know any of that," said Kisame.

"That's true," I said. "We didn't find any of that until after C-Tsunade explained it."

Shisui gulped down some more sake. "So why'd you kill the Ikustaka."

"They stole our name," said Leader. "Then they had the nerve to flip it backwards and parade around like a bunch of cheap criminals."

"The Akatsuki saw how the Ikustaka treated our people and – filled with outrage – they hunted down the Ikustaka, one of their own members being kidnapped in the process. But she did not let her own kidnapping stop her need for justice. While bound and gagged she stumbled across the evil Daughters of Darkness. Unable to stand their cruelties to our people, Dessie escape her bindings and single handedly defeated the organization."

"Jashin-sama needed his sacrifices," said Dessie, shrugging.

"You rescued me," said Kate.

"On accident."

"Dessie not only freed her friend from captivity, but sacrificed herself to save Kate, the Lady Chosen. The Ikustaka brought Dessie back to their base where they forced her to undergo _unimaginable _torture."

"Watching Yuriko and C-Hidan make out was torture," said Dessie thoughtfully. "They both had terrible technique."

"I was better than that," said Hidan.

"Definitely."

"But the Akatsuki can never leave one of their own behind. They ran to Dessie's rescue and defeated the Ikustaka, allowing the remaining members to flee south. But the Akatsuki does not do things half-heartedly. They split up, one group going to deal with the cruel Kikensai in the west, one group to talk to the peaceful monks of the north, and another group to finish off the Ikustaka and destroy the evil Okensai of the south. They managed to defeat Shang and control the Kikensai, pretending to have the Kikensai's best interests at heart."

"They guy tried to cut off our heads," I said flatly.

"They seduced the Boss of the Okensai and gained control of the faction, then they set up a war between the two factions where they destroyed each other. Then, when the Okensai had thought their victory was assured, the Akatsuki turned on them and obliterated the Okensai."

"That was fun," said Kisame.

"With all the power of Seanova in their hands, did that Akatsuki become Evil Overlords? _No_. They gave away their power to the peaceful and beloved monks of Four. These heroes – who we look upon now – they have heart. They are true heroes, people we aspire to be, people we want to rule our world, people we want to love – so, in thanks to these foreigners who saved our world – we name today Akatsuki Day, a national holiday!"

The hall broke in applause.

"I feel like we should correct the story," said Kate softly.

"Why?" asked Dessie. "We have a fucking day named after us? We're a national holiday."

"And we get free sake," said Kakuzu.

"Party it up," said Hidan, chugging down a bottle.

"You know," said Shisui.

"Drink!"

We all drank.

"Shut up, Dessie," said Shisui. "I was just thinking. The whole reason you destroyed the factions of Seanova was for your own pride, because you were bored, because you were fighting, and because you wanted to hurry up and go home."

"I know," said Leader. "We're really just a bunch of criminals."

"Is it just me or has being criminally insane gotten more legal?" asked Konan.

"I think it's just you," said Deidara. "I like not being hunted."

I shuddered. "It's weird to be appreciated. We're supposed to be evil."

"Hey!" said Dessie. "I wanted to be an Evil Immortal Overlord, but _no_ – we have to give the power to the monks. Squisher decided not to let us go home anyways."

"He's a little shit," said Aram.

"Cheers to that."

Dessie and Aram clinked bottles before drinking to their hearts' content.

"You know," said Konan. "I don't mind living here. It's not too bad. And it's nice not to be hunted everywhere we go."

"We'd get a ton of free stuff here," said Kakuzu. "We're the heroes who saved Seanova – people would be willing to give us stuff."

"That's true," said Aram. "And the women would be crawling all over you… Damn, now I wish I was part of the Akatsuki."

"Not happening," said Leader.

"Darn."

"Actually," I said. "Sasori is from Seanova. So if we went home, he couldn't come with us."

Dessie gasped. "That'd be terrible! Who else will I go drinking with?"

"I never go drinking with you if I can help it," said Sasori.

"I know!" cried Dessie. "I would be devastated too!"

"We can't stay here," said Leader.

"Why not?"

"How can we sit back and enjoy our lives here knowing that we have failed."

"Failed what?" asked Zetsu.

"We have failed our mission. Our mission to control the Fence. We may be heroes in this world, but in that world we are nothing but miserable failures – how can we sit around getting drunk, sleeping with random strangers, and accepting free things knowing that on some other piece of paper people think we are nothing but pathetic losers."

"It's not literally paper," said Kate nervously.

"Don't try and correct him," said Konan. "He's about to hit full rant mode."

"We are the Akatsuki – we are not failures. We are the number one criminally organization on all of those pieces of paper. We have conquered worlds and we have conquered alternate realities – anyone who wants to challenge us is welcome to step right up, and we will beat them back down. We are the best, there is no denying that. But how can we truly call ourselves that when we don't control our own world! We are the Akatsuki of the Fence – not the Akatsuki of Earth, not the Akatsuki of Seanova, and definitely not the Akatsuki of Swedanarlenwarg or whatever Squisher called that place. We are _the Akatsuki of the Fence_. That is where we belong. That is where we must rule. So, by God-Pain-Jashin-Warg-Four-Squisher-the-Great-Plant-King-Zetsu-Dessie-and-Momenatarily-Kisame, _we will find Four and we will crush him and we will return to the Fence and we will conquer all those sons-of-bitches who dare to laugh at us_."

Silence followed Leader's words.

"You've been giving a lot of motivational speeches lately," said Kisame.

"I zoned out about halfway through," said Deidara.

"We're hungry," said Zetsu. "The chefs here are terrible."

"That's because no one else is a cannibal," said Kate.

"Tobi liked Leader-sama's speech! Tobi wants to be Tobi of the Fence!"

Dessie snorted. "Sorry, Tobi, but you will always be Tobi of Swedanarlging or whatever it's called."

"But Tobi doesn't like Swedanalong."

"It's the world of rainbows," I lied.

"Tobi wants to go to Swedanalong! Tobi wants to go to Swedanalong!"

"See," I muttered to Dessie. "And that's how you get rid of him."

"Wow," said Dessie. "Hannah, you are definitely the Number One Nunu."

I groaned and slapped my hand to my forehead. "I don't want to be the Number One Nunu."

"Too bad. You're stuck with it."

"You never know," said Kisame. "Maybe we'll end up conquering Swedaonononinggong next."

"Are you all stupid? It's Swedahardal the land of Giant Bullfrogs."

"I don't want to go there," said Kisame instantly. He paused and then slowly turned to see who had spoken. Sitting on top of Leader's bottle of sake was a small blue gnome who we have all come to hate dearly.

"Squisher!" cried Leader. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't you leave us alone?" asked Konan.

"I wish," said Squisher. "But unfortunately, Four has given the command that I must send you home. And the Great God Four's commands are absolute." Squisher got to his feet and started to do something weird with his hands – a series of signals. A glowing orange light appear between his hands and it kept expanding.

The Akatsuki screamed and leapt away from the table as fast as we could. Aram, Shisui, Sasori, and C-Deidara remained sitting, staring at us in confusion.

"It's just an orange light," said Aram.

"Do you know nothing!" wailed Dessie. "Glowing orbs are evil! Evil I tell you!"

"Stay away!" screamed Deidara. "Away! Away!"

"The other me is even more lame that usual," said C-Deidara. "This glowing orange orb must be really scary."

"We've decided to stay!" cried Konan. "We like it here!"

"That's right!" yelled Kisame. "We like being heroes! It's fun! Not the orb! Anything but the orb!"

"Nope," said Squisher. "It's Four's orders."

With a sigh, I sat up and rested my arms on the table. "As long as it's more reliable than the blue orbs. We don't want to end up in Swedanarting."

"For the last time, it's Swedahardal."

"Sure."

"At least let us say good-bye!" cried Dessie. She crawled underneath the table and popped up next to Aram. She flung her arms around his neck and cried, "I'll miss you and our pillow talk! If I time and space and paper didn't separate us, I would have married you!"

Aram kissed her firmly on the lips. "I know, love, I know."

Dessie let go of Aram and, still on her knees, she crawled over to Shisui and hugged him. "So long, C-Shisui! If time and space and paper didn't separate us, I would have married you!"

Shisui blinked. "What about Aram?'

"I lied. He was kind of boring in bed."

"Hey!" cried Aram.

Dessie moved on the C-Deidara. She patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry. It would never have been you."

"Come on," said C-Deidara. "Just one kiss."

"Hell no."

Dessie moved on to Sasori. "Farewell. If time and space and paper didn't separate us–"

"Save it," said Sasori.

"I was going to say we would have been great drinking buddies."

Sasori sighed. "Whatever. We would have been great drinking buddies."

Dessie grinned. "Hell yeah! Hey – Squisher! Can we bring Sasori back with us? The original Sasori is dead so it's not like there will be two of them or anything."

Squisher sighed. "As long as you hurry up and quit wasting my time, sure."

"What?" asked Sasori.

Dessie grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back under the table with her. "I have a new drinking buddy!"

The rest of the good-byes got even more awkward. Itachi said farewell to Shisui (Itachi: Good-bye again. Shisui: Did we say good-bye a first time? Itachi: Hn.). Hidan and Aram gave each other a proper glare down. C-Deidara and Deidara argued once more about who was more pathetic. And then Squisher got bored of watching our good-byes so he forced us to use the orange orb.

"No!" screamed Kisame, picking up Kate and running in the opposite direction. "I won't do it! Never!"

Needless to say, they were the first victims. Squisher materialized before Kisame and sucked Kisame and Kate into the glowing orange light.

Leader and Konan were next, even though Konan as protesting the entire time. Then Dessie dragged Sasori along with her. Hidan followed and then Deidara. Zetsu and Tobi, Zetsu complaining that he was hungry the whole way. Itachi said one last farewell to Shisui. And soon it was just Kakuzu and I.

"So," I said. "I guess this is it."

"Hurry up," said Squisher.

"Shut up," I snapped. "You and your stupid god have ingrained a fear of glowing objects in my head."

"I'll only get in if you pay me," said Kakuzu.

Squisher pushed Kakuzu in. he turned to me, but I raised my hands and shook my head. "I'll get in myself." I inched closer to the blue orb. I hesitated, took one last look around, and said, "So long, Seanova – I'd say it's been fun, but honestly, it's more accurate to say – it's been weird."

And then I disappeared in a flash of orange.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm actually disappointed in this chapter. It's not as epic as I wanted it to be. Oh well. Four obviously sent Squisher to bring them back to the Fence because he didn't want to Akatsuki to kick his ass (I'm lying). But hey! Oh and there are 83 chapters in this story so.. 5 MORE TO GO!**

**Review - or Squisher will force you into a glowing orb and you'll never know where you'll end up! It could be Renananening - the land of the belching bitches. (I made that up on the spot). **


	79. Red Hottie Returns

_**Summary of Events: Return to the Fence**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Nine: Red Hottie Returns<strong>

**Dessie**

My head hurt. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My chest hurt. My stomach hurt. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. My eyes hurt. Basically, I hurt.

I opened my eyes to a dimly lit room. The room was made entirely of stone with no windows and a simple iron door with complicated locks. I was tied to an iron chair in the middle of the room. The chains burned my arms. They were heavy and the twisted whenever I so much as twitched.

"Well," I said with a sigh. "I guess I'm back."

The complicated locks clicked and the iron door opened revealing the black-clad Kankuro with purple face paint across his cheeks and nose.

"Hey," I said, tipping my head to the side and smiling flirtatiously. "Long time no see."

"Aren't you the Akatsuki whore who knocked me unconscious and made out with my brother against his will?"

I blinked. "Well, I doubt that was Hannah and it definitely wasn't Kate. So, yeah, it was probably me. Or maybe it was Konan. But she's not a whore. It was me. Definitely me. Who was your brother again?"

"Gaara. The Kazekage."

I grinned. "Oh, Red-Hottie. He was a good kisser."

"Shut up." Kankuro slammed his hands to the ground and a giant puppet appeared in the room. It exposed its claws which were knives soaked in a dark purple poison. "Answer me truthfully or my puppet will make sure you experience torture on a whole new level."

"Don't be like that," I said. "I can think of so much more fun things to do than that."

"You really are a whore."

"Duh. The title isn't given away for free."

Kankuro stepped back and watched me carefully. "The Akatsuki hasn't been seen or heard of for almost a year – what have you been plotting?"

"Us? Plotting?" I laughed. "Never!"

"Whore."

"My name is Dessie."

"Oh." Kankuro paused. "Dessie. The Akatsuki are always plotting a scheming, don't expect me to ever believe that you aren't."

"Well," I said. "No, we don't always plot and scheme. But we honestly weren't up to anything suspicious for the past year. We were, um, indisposed to perform evil deeds in the Fence."

"Explain."

"You wouldn't believe me if I tried."

"Try me."

I sighed. "The first sentence involves a small blue gnome who is the right hand man to a god named Four."

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

"My point exactly."

An awkward silence fell between us and I took advantage of the silence to lean forward and give Kankuro an excellent view of my cleavage.

"Look, Kankuro," I said. "I just broke up with my boyfriend and then he has the nerve to tell me he feels nothing when he sees me and now I am in some desperate need of some rebound sex – can you help me out?"

Kankuro looked ready to start drooling at any second. He nodded mutely and slowly crept close to me. He put his face right next to mine–

I swung my leg up and slammed it into the side of his head, His eyes grew wide and he collapsed to the ground, unconscious. I grabbed hold of the keys with my bare foot and brought them to my hand (Yay for amazing flexibility acquired through years of practice that were mentioned very briefly before in this story and all the readers have probably forgotten about).

I hopped out of my iron chair and rubbed my ass. It had gone to sleep after several hours.

"Come up with more comfortably interrogation rooms," I told the unconscious Kankuro. "Also, learn to control your dick."

Cheerfully, I skipped out of the room and began heading for the exit – wherever the hell that was.

I don't know how long I wandered around the hallways of the prison. Eventually, I went up enough flights of stairs that I reached the top of the building – which was, surprisingly familiar. I went to the room at the end of the hall – kicked open the door – and stepped into an office. But not just any office. The Kazekage's office with a massive balcony that overlooked the entire city of Suna.

"Whoa…" I gasped. "I haven't been here in a while."

"You've been here before?"

Sitting behind a huge wooden desk was an extremely attractive young man with red hair and the symbol for love tattooed on his forehead. I giggled delightedly, sprinted across the room, and flung my arms around his neck.

"Red-Hottie!"

"Oh. It's you."

I kissed him firmly on the lips and cried, "Oh, how I have missed you!"

"Funny," said Gaara. "I haven't missed you one bit."

"Aw," I said. "You're so cute when you try and play hard to get."

"I'm not playing hard to get."

I giggled and clapped my hands excitedly. "So cute!"

"Dessie? What are you doing?"

I momentarily let go of Gaara to see who was there. Standing in the doorway of the Kazekage's office was Kisame. He was watching me with a rather concerned expression on his very blue face.

"What's up, Kisame?"

"I heard some crazy chick had escaped from the interrogation room and was probably coming to stalk the Kazekage. I figured only you would be that crazy."

I shrugged. "He's hot."

"Right. Have you seen Kate?"

"Nope. Maybe she was dropped off someone else."

Kisame grinned. "Because nothing says 'We're back!' like randomly showing up in Suna, Konoha, and wherever the hell Sasuke is."

"You really think that's where we all ended up?"

"Don't we always end up in those three places?"

I blinked. "You're right. Jashin – Four is a bitch. I bet he does that on purpose."

"Probably." Kisame glanced at Gaara, who was still frozen in place, an expression of pure horror plastered across his adorably hot face. "We should probably go."

"Can I bring Red-Hottie with me?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No. He's the ruler of Suna. I think they'd have a problem with that."

I sighed heavily. "You're right." I pranced across the office to join Kisame at the door. Before we left, I turned around and waved at Gaara. "See you later, Hottie!"

Then, Kisame and I fled the Kazekage tower as fast as we could. Unfortunately, that place is a maze with no end and the task took up two hours – but not before we ran into Zetsu and Tobi.

Somehow, we managed to run from the top of the building back down to the prison cells, where we met Zetsu.

"Hey," I said. "You were in captivity too."

"We were," said Zetsu. "But then we ate our interrogator."

"Did he taste good?"

"Okensai soldiers are better."

"A rare delicacy that you can't have anymore." I patted Zetsu on the shoulder. "It's a tragedy."

"Don't touch us," said Zetsu.

I quickly removed my hand. "Well, we're trying to escape. But we got lost… again."

"We think the exit is this way…"

So Zetsu led the way and we somehow ended back up in the Kazekage's office again. Unfortunately, Gaara wasn't there this time. So, after yelling at Zetsu for being directionally challenged, Kisame led the way to the exit. Somehow, we ended up back in the prison cells. And that was where we met Tobi.

"Dessie-Nunu!"

I dodged his hug-attack at the last second.

"You're here too, Tobi?" asked Kisame.

"Were you being interrogated?" asked Zetsu.

Tobi nodded. "Tobi told the whole story of Seanova to his interrogator, but the interrogator covered his ears and Tobi to just leave. He didn't like Tobi talking."

"I wonder why," I muttered.

"Okay," said Kisame. "If we end up back in the Kazekage's office again, I am going to chop off some heads."

"Tobi knows how to get out."

"Does Dessie know the way?" asked Zetsu.

"She's even worse than you."

"Tobi can get out!"

"Maybe Kisame should try again."

"Tobi says to go this way!" cried Tobi. He grabbed me by the wrist and forcefully dragged me down the hall. Kisame and Zetsu followed, still arguing how we should get out of the building. They kept arguing even when we stepped outside into the brilliant sunlight and onto the streets of Suna.

"Guys," I said slowly. "You can shut up now."

"Why?" said Kisame. "I don't want to be stuck in this building forever."

"Idiot," said Zetsu. "We're outside."

Kisame blinked and looked up at the cloudless blue sky. "How did that happen?"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Tobi got us out?" asked Kisame.

I nodded. "I know, I'm horrified too."

"That's–"

But Kisame never got to say what that was, because right then the Kazekage arrived – Kazekage style. Gaara dropped from the sky on a giant sand wave, his armies of shinobi with him, fully prepared to battle the Akatsuki.

"Long time no see, Red-Hottie!" I cried, waving excitedly.

"Dessie," said Kisame. "You do know they're trying to kill us."

"Don't kill Tobi! Tobi doesn't want to die!"

I shrugged and turned to face the hundreds of people armed and fully prepared to murder me where I stand. "Ah. Home sweet home – how I have missed you."

I could bore you with the details where Gaara tried to shatter all our bones in his sand coffin or how Temari got pissed at Zetsu for eating her best friend or how Kankuro tried to murder me for making a fool of him again. The Gaara's fangirls tried to kill me for stealing their precious Kazekage's lips for the second time. Kisame laughed at Kankuro's face paint and Kankuro tried to make sushi. Zetsu claimed Sasori was going to destroy Kankuro's puppets again, but Kankuro pointed out Sasori was dead, which made the Akatsuki laugh. Kankuro didn't like being laughed at so he tried to take us all on at once. I told Temari my breasts were bigger than hers and, for reasons I can't understand, she got pissed and tried to kill me. Tobi tried to give Baki a hug, and the two of them got into a weird game of tag where Tobi would try to hug Baki and Baki would dodge at the last second. I pitied the poor man and decided to help him, but that just seemed to piss of Baki even more. Then baki and Temari ganged up on me while Tobi tried unsuccessfully to help. But those details are kind of boring. The whole fight came to an end when I managed to kiss Gaara again and – while he was distracted – Kisame knocked him unconscious and took his hostage. It was only after we reached the city limits that we realized we had no use for a Kazekage, so we gave him back with the menacing promise of our return.

Leader would be proud.

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><p><strong>AN: I HAVE FINISHED WRITING THIS! All I have to do is upload, which I plan to do every twenty reviews. Why? So I have good spacing between updates and because I'm a review whore. I love the last two chapters - they were fun to write. And you all will rise up and kill me at the last chapter. Just remember - if you don't kill me, I can't write the third book. XD**

**REVIEW - SO YOU CAN GET THE NEXT CHAPTER!**


	80. Rope Holds No Power

_**Summary of Events: Return to the Fence**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty: Rope Holds No Power<strong>

**Kate**

I woke up with a comfortable arm around me. I sighed and snuggled closer. It was really comfortable. He reminded me of water. Kisame. Only Kisame gave me with water feeling. Because, you know, he's a shark. Water and Kisame just go together. Like periods and tampons. Or… bad simile. But you get the point.

I opened my eyes and poked the arm fondly.

Then it struck me. This arm was no blue. The arm was normal – who in the Fence has normal arms! That's just unnatural!

I let out a cry and leapt away from whoever was sleeping next to me. He was cute, with white hair and purple eyes. He smiled and had pointy teeth. I knew who he was – unfortunately.

"What are you doing, Suigetsu!" I cried.

"You're cute," said Suigetsu, still lying on the ground. "Not as hot as your busty friend, but cute nonetheless."

A red-hot blush worked its way onto my cheeks and I glanced at the ground. "Thanks."

"I really wish Kisame was here."

My eyes followed the sound of the voice and I turned to see Konan, Leader, and Kakuzu tied to the trunk of a tree. Konan and Leader looked pretty pissed off, but Kakuzu was watching me with interest, slight amusement written across his stitched face.

"What?" I asked.

"If Kisame was here he would be beating Suigetsu to a pulp right now," said Kakuzu. "That would have been funny."

"Sh-sh-shut up," I stammered.

"Didn't you flip Madara Uchiha off?" asked Kakuzu. "But you can't even talk normally when scolding me? That's kind of sad…"

"Shut up," I said. This time without a stammer.

"Did someone say Uchiha?"

Sasuke appeared between two trees, his pink-haired Karin at his side. Sasuke stormed across the clearing and grabbed Kakuzu by the throat. "Where is Itachi?"

"Are you a broken record?" asked Konan.

"What?" Sasuke released Kakuzu and rounded on Konan instead. "Did you just call me a broken record?"

"Well," said Konan. "Every other word out of your mouth is Itachi. Itachi this. Itachi that. Where's Itachi? Itachi killed my family. Itachi's evil. I must get revenge on Itachi. Duh – he's evil. He's part of the Akatsuki. Everyone else has gotten over it – why can't you?'

"They were my family!" cried Sasuke.

"My family was killed too," said Leader. "You don't see me going on some evil revenge rampage."

"Um…" Kakuzu glanced at Leader. "Right…"

"What?" asked Leader. "I' m not."

"Sure, you're not," said Konan condescendingly. "We believe you."

Leader scowled. "Don't patronize me."

"Why isn't she tied up!" cried Karin abruptly.

"Who?" I asked. Then realized she was pointing at me. Oh.

"She can hardly hurt us," said Suigetsu. "She's too cute to be dangerous."

"Aw." I giggled. "Thanks Suigetsu. I understand why Dessie says you're so awesome. I usually don't like her friends, but you and Shisui are cool."

"Shisui?' asked Sasuke. "Uchiha Shisui? He's dead. How do you know him?"

Konan sighed. "This would take too long to explain."

"The Akatsuki vanished off the face of the world with no reason of explanation," said Sasuke. "And now you're talking about Shisui like you know him!"

"We do know him," I said. "Dessie and him went drinking all the time."

"He helped us take over Seanova,' added Konan.

"He even helped me find a good market to sell the valuables I stole from war victims," said Kakuzu. "He was a good guy."

"How does a guy as good as that end up hanging around with us?" asked Leader.

"I don't know," said Konan. "He was just such a good guy that he brought out the good in us."

"We should have brought Shisui back with us," said Leader.

"Too late," said Konan. "Ah well, this way we can be thoroughly evil."

"That's true."

Sasuke's mouth was somewhere around ground level. "What are you people talking about!"

"Seanova," said Konan.

"Seanova," said Leader in agreement.

"Seanova?" repeated Juugo (when did he get here?).

"Seanova," said Kakuzu.

"Seanova!" I cried.

"What the hell!" cried Sasuke.

"Anger management issues," said Konan.

Sasuke leapt forward and stabbed a kunai into the tree inches from Konan's head. "Where is Itachi?"

"Itachi died," said Konan.

"What!" cried Sasuke. "Itachi can't die! Only I can kill Itachi! You lie!"

"It's true," said Konan.

"Itachi died?" I asked.

"C."

"Oh, right. Itachi killed him."

Karin was looking from Konan to me to Sasuke and then back to Konan. "My head hurts."

"It's straight forward," said Leader. "Itachi got fed up with Itachi so he killed Itachi."

"Itachi was annoying," said Kakuzu. He paused. "That reminds me. Sasuke, aren't you married to Hinata?"

"_What_?"

"Oh yeah," I said. "She's pregnant with your child."

Konan nodded. 'You two were such a cute couple."

Karin passed out at this point, while Suigetsu rolled around on the ground with unrestrained laughter. Juugo was just plain confused.

Sasuke was reaching a whole new level of mad. He pulled the kunai out of the tree and created chidori in his hand. He drew his hand back and aimed at Konan's head. "Don't laugh at me, bitch?"

He drove the chidori into her head.

Well, he never actually reached her head. By the time all the smoke cleared Leader was standing next to Sasuke, his foot pushing Sasuke's hand away from Konan. Sasuke was glaring at Leader. Leader was glaring at Sasuke.

"You didn't need to do that," said Konan. She stepped out from the ropes and sighed. "I was already free."

"Me too," said Leader.

"So I can stop pretending?" asked Kakuzu as he slipped free from the ropes.

"You were free the whole time?" asked Juugo.

"What?" asked Leader, pushing Sasuke's hand away. "Did you think measly _ropes_ could without _me_?" He laughed. "No. it doesn't matter what is in my way – a wall, a rock, an army, a god, a fucking glowing blue or orange orb – I will destroy it."

"A glowing orb?" asked Suigetsu.

"Glowing orbs are scary," I said.

"Especially when accompanied by annoying blue gnomes," said Konan.

We all shuddered.

"Bad memories," said Leader.

"You people are strange," said Juugo.

I glanced at Kakuzu. Kakuzu glanced at Konan. Konan glanced at Leader. Leader just stood there smugly (he's too boss to glance at anyone).

"If we weren't this strange," said Leader. "We couldn't take over the world."

Sasuke scoffed. "As if your petty criminal organization could ever take over the world."

Leader raised one eyebrow. He didn't say anything,; he just regarded Sasuke silently – _knowing_, but not saying, that he was far better than Sasuke would ever know. And that silence, drove Sasuke insane.

"Where is Itachi?" shouted Sasuke.

"Which one?" I asked.

"What?" Sasuke stared at me blankly.

"There are maybe Itachis in existence," I explained. "You'll have to be more specific."

"Tell me where all of them are!" screamed Sasuke. "I'll kill every last Itachi until none remain!"

Konan laughed. "You're going to be very busy."

"Well," I said slowly. "We've taken care of the one in Seanova for you. But there's still one in the next paper and the paper after that… Basically there are an infinite number of Itachis – and some of them are quite nice."

"C-Itachi was annoying," muttered Leader.

"You're welcome to kill C-Itachi again," added Kakuzu.

"I will kill them all!" cried Sasuke, though he sounded a little bit desperate at this point.

"I don't think he understands," said Konan.

"No one understands," said Leader. "Most of us stopped paying attention the moment Squisher opened his mouth."

Sasuke scowled. "I have no idea what any of you are talking about."

Leader sighed. He walked forward and patted Sasuke on the shoulder comfortingly. "One day you will. Maybe. But right now you are just a child who has seen nothing of the worlds and you cannot understand anything."

"I have killed hundreds of people in seconds!" cried Sasuke. "I have left everything for revenge."

Leader shook his head condescendingly. "In one world."

And with that, Leader walked past Sasuke. He strolled through the forest trees and never once looked back, assuming Konan, Kakuzu, and I would follow. You know that was the first time I ever thought Leader looked cool. I'd thought of him as terrifying, monstrous, powerful, awe-inspiring, and insane – but never cool. However, as he walked through the forest as the sun set in the distance and Sasuke stood behind him, looking dumbstruck – I thought – _I'm glad this terrifying psychopath is our leader, because no one else could leave the world speechless and walk away like it was just another Monday_.

It is Monday, right?

"How long have we been gone?" I asked.

"A little less than a year," said Konan. "It's mid-November now."

"Wow… I guess the Fence missed us."

Kakuzu snorted. "Who else will take names off the bounty lists? Who else will scam the black market into good behavior? Who else will stop the rich from being too rich?"

Leader nodded in agreement. "What will Konoha do without a criminal organization to fear? Gods Forbid they should have peaceful lives."

"They probably found some semi-evil person to hold vendettas against," said Konan. "Either that or Naruto has been chasing down Sasuke for the past year."

"They are so gay," said Kakuzu.

"No," I said firmly. "Naruto has to fall in love with Hinata."

"Hinata is going to end up with Sasuke," said Konan.

Leader sighed. "Are we really having this shipping war again?"

"I have money riding on this," said Kakuzu. "It's an important shipping war."

"What happens if no one's right?"

Kakuzu thought about it for a second. He cringed is pain and became sort of bent over and out of shape. "Then we'll give the money to ch-ch-ch-ch-charity."

"Are you okay, Kakuzu?" I asked.

"I'm… fine…" He seemed to be fighting an internal battle. "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-charity does that to me."

"Charity?'

"Don't say it!"

I backed away nervously. "Of course…"

"I guess a money-whore like Kakuzu wouldn't like charity very much," said Konan. "Maybe the Akatsuki should do some charity work once a year."

Kakuzu clutched his stomach and turned a vivid shade of green.

"Why?" I asked. "Are we trying to improve the world's outlook on us now?'

Konan grinned. "No. It's just funny to watch Kakuzu throw up whenever he hears the word charity too much."

"No…" groaned Kakuzu sinking to the ground. "Don't say it…"

"Wow…" I said slowly. "I kind of want to participate in some charity events now."

To save Kakuzu's dignity – or what remains of it – I won't describe him vomiting all over the forest floor. Instead, I'll skip to the next interesting thing. We had been walking through the forest for about three hours when Leader suddenly stopped. He looked left and the right and then behind and then straight ahead.

"What is it?" asked Konan.

Leader blinked. "Where the hell are we?"

"I don't know," said Konan.

"I thought you knew," said Kakuzu, still clutching his queasy stomach.

"No. I don't even know what forest this is."

"You mean we've been following you for three hours and you have no idea where the hell we are?"

Leader shrugged. "Yeah."

Remember when I said I thought Leader was cool? I take that back.

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><p><strong>AN: Leader is so much fun to tease... Oh! I forgot to answer in my last author's note. Someone asked me if they could print off my story so they could read it without killing their phone - sure. I don't have a problem with it. Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed! I love getting reviews from people who say "this is my first time" - its so nice to know I get to be their first (hahahaha, I couldn't resist). I love all my reviews, but its out of love that I do this - **

**REVIEW Or Leader will come at you with all his badassery and beat you within an inch of your life only to hang you by your thumbs in the Akatsuki basement and laugh maniacally at your pain and suffering. **


	81. One Crazy Year

_**Summary of Events: Return to the Fence**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-One: One Crazy Year<strong>

**Hannah**

"Are you okay?"

My eyes fluttered open. At first, everything was blurry, but after a couple blinked – it all came back into focus. Hinata was standing over me, her watery lilac eyes watching me carefully.

"Hey," I said sleepily. "How's Sasuke? Is the child okay?"

Hinata squeaked nervously. "Sasuke? Child?"

"Oh," I said. "You don't know? I must have been, um, dreaming. Right. Dreaming. I had a dream that you were married to Sasuke and were pregnant with his child." I paused. "You two made a really cute couple."

"N-n-not N-N-Naruto…"

"Naruto was in love with Sakura, but Sakura was in love with Itachi. Those terrible love triangles."

"Oh…" Hinata was positively disappointed.

I sat up in bed and rubbed my aching head. "How long have I been out for?"

"Two whole days. I found you in the forest while training."

"Ah. Yeah. Glowing orbs are bitches. Thanks for finding me."

Hinata smiled. "We're friends, right?'

I tipped by head back and laughed. "Yeah. I might be part of a criminally organization that is sworn to rule the world, but – hey – who says we can't be friends?"

"Neji always says I need to widen my circle of friends."

"Criminals certainly do add a different flavor to your life." I hopped off the bed and stretched, waking up my aching limbs. "What month is it?"

"November."

"Anything interesting happened since I've been away?"

Hinata shook her head. "N-N-N-Naruto has been chasing Sasuke, but other than that Konoha has been peaceful. The Akatsuki suddenly disappeared and hasn't been seen in months. Everyone thinks you must be plotting something terrible."

"Nope," I said. "We've just been saving another reality from itself. Nothing big."

"Oh…" Hianta trailed off and just sat there, looking confused.

"It's okay though – we're back now to make your life more interesting."

"Well that's good. I think."

I didn't get to say another word as Neji threw open the door to Hinata's room and came storming in. He took one disgusted look at me before turning all of his attention to Hinata.

"She's up. Are sure you're safe?"

"Hannah won't hurt me," said Hinata softly.

"We're friends," I added.

Neji shot me a look of pure loathing before turning back to Hinata. "The Akatsuki have been found again. Four of them are attacking the village."

"Four?" I asked. "Only four? Squisher probably did this on purpose."

"Who?"

"No one."

Neji returned to ignoring me. "And Sakura swears that one of the Akatsuki attacking our village died years ago."

"That must be Sasori," I said. "He did die. This is a different Sasori."

Hinata and Neji both turned to stare at me.

"We had a crazy year," I explained, shrugging.

Neji's eyes narrowed irritably and he stepped forward, coming between Hinata and me. "Stop your friends," he said, his voice low and deadly. "They're destroying Konoha and I would prefer it in one piece."

I shrugged. "Yeah. Maybe. If I feel like it."

"What!"

I smiled sweetly. "You're being kind of a jerk to me. I don't like being treated this way. Maybe if you say please, I'll spare Konoha and bring my friends home with me."

Neji stiffened up. He reminded me of a robot – he couldn't move, walk, or talk properly, as if all his joints had rusted. He glared at me and, after some intense thought, he said, "Please save my village."

"Okay. We just need to–"

The room exploded.

I'll give you three guesses to figure out who blew up the Hyuuga mansion. No guesses? It was Deidara.

Amongst the rubble that was once Hinata's bedroom, Deidara landed on the back of one of his birds. He hopped off the clay monstrosity and looked about wildly. "Hey, Hannah? You here?"

I pulled part of Hinata's bed away from my head and hopped to me feet. "Deidara – one day you are going to seriously injure me."

"Yeah, but that day isn't today, uhn."

I laughed and stumbled across the rubble to Deidara's side. "So how bad is Konoha looking?"

"The shinobi are putting up a good fight. Leader told us only you were missing so we figured you wound up in Konoha, uhn."

"Good old Leader."

"You somehow always manage to end up in the Hyuuga house, uhn."

"Last time I was here you blew up my home and knocked me unconscious hours earlier."

"Oh right…"

Neji threw some bricks off of himself and leapt to his feet. "Akatsuki! Don't mess with the Hyuuga! It was your destiny that brought you here today! Your destiny that you should face me! Now – fight, Akatsuki, and face fate!"

Deidara turned at face Neji. He snorted. Once. And said, "It's hard to take you seriously when you don't have pupils."

I grinned. "Let's go. I have a promise to uphold."

Deidara jumped onto the back of his bird and offered a hand to me. I glared at the beast – I hate flying – and then reluctantly accept Deidara's hand. He lifted me onto the bird. With a flap of its giant wings, we launched into the air and headed for the heart of Konoha where the others were waiting.

A couple shinobi tried to attack us midflight, but Deidara summoned my frying pan and I did some serious head-whacking in the air. Eventually we reached the center of town where Itachi, Hidan, and Sasori were wreaking havoc. Deidara landed and I stumbled off the bird (flying makes me sick).

"Hey," I said to Sasori as one of his puppets sliced of a shinobi's head (the shinobi didn't have a name and was therefore unimportant). "So Squisher did bring you back."

"I don't understand why glowing orbs are scary," said Sasori.

"You will one day," I said. "We should stop destroying the town now."

"Why?"

"I told the Hyuugas I'd stop you."

"And you have to fulfill the promise?"

"No. But they did take care of me after I was transported by a glowing orb. Twice."

Sasori shrugged. A twitched of his hand and his puppets disappeared, returning from whence they came. We turned to Hidan, who was still on a maniacal killing spree in the middle of Konohas streets. Shikamaru had come to face Hidan, but it was hard to tell who was going to win. With a sigh, I walked over to Hidan and said: "Time to go."

"No."

I groaned. Here we go. "We're going back to the hideout, Hidan."

"I'm going to sacrifice this shithead to Jashin-sama!"

"You can sacrifice some other shithead to Jashin-sama later."

"But I want to sacrifice this shithead…"

"What are you?" I snapped. "Three? You want. You want. You want. We can't all have what we want. Either you let this shithead live or I will bring _it_ out and bring you home unconscious. And then, when we do get home, I will unleash Kakuzu with all his tentacles on you until you can only scream rape because of the violating torture Kakuzu will put you through."

"No."

I grabbed my frying pan and swung it towards Hidan's head. He blocked it with his scythe. He laughed, leapt out of the way, and stuck his middle finger at me.

"Bitch – that only works if you can hit me!"

WHACK!

Hidan's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he collapsed onto a pile of rubble and debris. I glanced up and saw Sasori standing behind Hidan, a scowl fixed on his face and a broken plank of wood in his right hand.

"Nice," I said.

"He was annoying me."

"Hidan annoys everyone."

Sasori picked up Hidan and slung Hidan over his shoulder (impressive considering a height and weight difference). Sasori led the way as we returned to Deidara's side. Itachi was already there, looking as cool as usual (damn him). Deidara was standing on the back of his bird again. He helped me up and left Sasori and Itachi to get on by themselves – even though Sasori was carrying Hidan. When we were all set, Deidara's bird took off and we soared high above Konoha.

We gazed down at the mass destruction below. I sighed. "I told Neji I wouldn't let you destroy Konoha."

"I could be worse, uhn," said Deidara. "We were just saying hello."

"Oh look," said Sasori. "They're forming an angry mob."

Sure enough in the streets below, the shinobi were regrouping and preparing to launch another series of attacks.

"Do they ever stop?" I asked. "We're leaving."

"It's not like we attacked them first," said Deidara. "I woke up behind a ramen shop and when I went to buy ramen, Naruto freaked out and tried to kill me, uhn."

"Yeah, well, you did kidnap and kill Gaara."

"He came back to life, uhn."

"Hn."

I smirked. "Itachi says their hatred of him is understandable. He _did_ kill an entire clan in one night. Tried to kill Naruto on multiple occasions. And turned Sasuke evil. Kakash and Gai were very eager to attack him. Itachi was better though."

"You got all that from one 'hn'?"

"Well, the part where Itachi won was obvious."

Sasori rolled his eyes. "You think you have it bad? I have never seen any of these people before and then this pink-haired girl tries to take my head off."

"That would be Sakura," I said. "She killed the original you."

"That bitch."

I sighed and looked out over Konoha as we reached the city limits. "You know, I kind of preferred being hero-worshipped."

"It was creepy, uhn."

"Are you guys always treated like this?" asked Sasori.

"Yep."

"Pretty much, uhn."

I paused. "There was this one time where we all joined forces to save the Fence…"

"Oh yeah," said Deidara. "And then Konoha wanted to form an alliance with us."

"We don't form alliances," I explained.

"We're evil, uhn."

"Of course," said Sasori. "I wouldn't be here if you weren't evil."

I grinned. "Evil for the win?"

"Hn."

"Did that translate an agreement?" asked Sasori.

Deidara glanced over his shoulder, the wind flapping through his blond hair. "Hey –Sasori! You're learning 'hn' language! Uhn!"

Sasori shook his head. "A bit. I have yet to learn what 'uhn' means."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

After that we spent the rest of the flight teaching Sasori 'hn' language. This 'hn' means that while that 'hn' means this. It is a difficult and near-impossible language and even Deidara and I were only partially trained in it. If Sasori wanted to be fluent he would have to talk to Kisame.

Itachi was conversing with Leader via his ring the whole time. According to him (and his 'hn's), everyone was heading home – most of them had similar welcomes. And, although we traveled to a different reality, saved a world from destruction, destroyed several powerful factions in the course of a year, nothing new had happened in the Fence.

This world really does need the Akatsuki to function properly. Otherwise it's just too boring.

"It's good to be home."

"Hn."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The next two chapters are in my favorites list. That makes me think. What are my favorite chapters? Hmm let's see. **

**Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki:**

**Ch 9 - Bring Down The House (first drunken party)**

**Ch 11 - Declaration of Love (first Love Guru appearance)**

**Ch 51 - Into The Blue (Leader does not care)**

**Ch 52 - Out of the Blue (First encounter with Wargonia)**

**Ch 82 - Interrogation fails (Dessie goes Jashinist)**

**Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal:**

**Ch 1 - It's A Bed Thing (opening chapter, bed issues)**

**Ch 40 - A Little Love Story (Dessie and Hidan's date)**

**Ch 50 - Blue Things (creation of Felix)**

**Ch 73 - We All Drank**

**Ch 82 - HAHAHAHAHA IT'S THE NEXT CHAPTER!**

**Review TO SEE CHAPTER 82 IN ALL ITS AWESOMENESS!**


	82. Hannah's Video Of Evil Blackmail

**Chapter Eighty-Two: Hannah And Zetsu's Video Of Evil Blackmail**

**Dessie**

"First ones back, bitches!"

"It looks the exact same as when we left it," said Kisame fondly. "Except with more dust."

"Who cares!" I cried, sprinting down the hall of the hideout, my hands over my head and screaming, "WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" at the top of my lungs. I flung my arms around the open kitchen door. "How I have missed this place!"

"We didn't actually live here that long," said Zetsu thoughtfully.

"Does it matter?" I asked, sprinting into the kitchen. "All the liquor is still here! Anyone want some wine?" I pulled a bottle off the shelf and popped off the cork. I hurried back into the hall and started chugging.

"Tobi wants some! Tobi wants some!"

"Fuck no," I said. "Get your own."

Tobi looked heartbroken as he slunk into the kitchen.

"We get back to the hideout after a year and what's the first thing Dessie wants to do? Drink." Kisame snatched the bottle from me and took a huge gulp of the dark red liquid. "Don't leave me out of it."

"Asshole. We have whiskey in there too."

"Really?" Kisame passed by me and went to the liquor cabinet. Tobi was still trying to figure out what he wanted, but Kisame pushed Tobi out of the way and found the whiskey. "Hell yeah – this is the stuff."

"No sake?" asked Zetsu.

"That's for bars," I said.

Zetsu ignored me and headed straight for his separate freezer where he stored human remains. "Oh look," he said. "The foot is still there."

"Please don't eat that," I said.

Zetsu pulled a frozen woman's left foot out of the freezer and inspected it carefully. "It's still good." He took a huge bite of it. "It's like a human popsicle."

I took a huge swing of the wine. "This isn't strong enough."

"Vodka?" asked Kisame.

I took it from him and handed Tobi the wine. "Thank Jashin – where would I be without my good friend vodka?"

"Shouldn't you drink that with something else?" asked Zetsu.

I ignored him and drank straight from the bottle. "Good stuff."

"That's disgusting," said Zetsu.

I turned to stare at him with his foot. "_I'm disgusting_."

"And people say you can't gross Dessie out," said Kisame. He took another sip of his whiskey. "Anyone want to move to the living room?"

I led the way to the living room, skipping as I went. I hopped into the lazy boy, vodka in hand, and watched as Kisame settled in the armchair while Zetsu and Tobi shared the couch.

"I wonder if there's anything on TV," said Kisame, switching on the glorious flat screen (oh how we have missed you, flat screen of boredom relief!).

"TV is bad," said Tobi.

Zetsu sunk into the couch and disappeared a minute later he returned holding the foot in one hand and a DVD in the other. "Hannah's secret footage."

My eyes grew wide and my hands moved towards the DVD. "That glorious thing? Where did you get it? How did you get it? Put it in! Put it in!"

"We're married," said Zetsu. "We know things about Hannah."

"Zetsu," I said as he put the DVD in the player. "You truly are a god."

"We know."

The TV flashed to life and an image of a giant Venus Flytrap devouring a half-black and half-white man appeared on screen. The man waved awkward at the camera.

"Hello," he said. "We are Zetsu. Welcome to Hannah And Zetsu's Video Of Evil Blackmail – starring Deidara, Dessie, Kate, Hidan, and Leader. Also featuring Kisame, Konan, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi. Special guest appearance from Madara Uchiha."

The camera moved to reveal Hannah's face – apparently she was filming.

"If you're watching this video it either means that Zetsu was bored and wanted to watch it or I am trying to blackmail you into doing something. If you don't want this camera to be revealed to the public – namely, Team Hebi, Suna, or Konoha – I suggest you do what I want. Because – _I will release this video and all the footage on it_. Have fun!"

The video buzzed and the next clip came up. Deidara was standing on top of the coffee table, dressed only in boxers and using a bottle of sake as a microphone.

"All by myself! Don't wanna be – all by myself – anymoooooooore!"

I appeared on the sofa, rolling around on the ground and pounding my fist on the ground. "Dei-Dei – you suck!"

"You're the one who keeps calling me Dei-Dei, uhn!" Deidara giggled. He pulled the ponytail out of his blond hair and shook the mess of hair violently. "Look!' He cried, striking a model pose. "I'm a pretty girl!"

I hopped onto the couch and put on the sexiest pose I could think off. "As pretty as you are, Dei-Dei – I'm the sexiest bitch around!"

"No you're not – I'm the prettiest girl around!"

"But I look better in dresses," I told him.

"_I look better in pink_!"

The TV turned blank and then switched to the next scene. Kisame was sitting in a restaurant next to Itachi. Itachi had just finished his plate of sushi and was sipping from a water bottle. Kisame took a huge bite of his dish and sat back to relax. The waiter came to retrieve the dishes.

"How was your shark?" asked the waiter.

Kisame paused. "What?"

"The shark? How was it?"

"I ordered… the special soup…"

"Which was shark fin."

"You said dolphin…"

"No. I said shark fin."

Kisame's mouth formed a giant 'O'.

There was some evil laughter in the background, which was probably Hannah or Zetsu. Actually, Zetsu was probably hiding in the walls filming – oh, so that's how Hannah gets videos.

The TV buzzed black and the next picture came up.

Deidara and Hidan were in a bar, standing on the counter and yelling at the top of their lungs.

"That barmaid was hitting on me!" shouted Hidan.

"No!" screamed Deidara. "She thought I was sexy, uhn!"

"Who in their right mind would think you're sexy!"

"I am as sexy as hell, uhn!" Deidara turned around and, facing the crowd that had gathered to watch the bar fight – he spanked his ass. "Look at this sexy piece of meat."

"I'm going to puke!" yelled Hidan.

Finally, with a sigh, I crawled up onto the counter, put my hands on my hips and said, "You're both idiots – the barmaid was obviously hitting on me."

"You're a girl," said Hidan.

"Lesbians are people too!" I screamed, kicking him in the balls. "At least she has better taste than you two. How can you be arguing over a barmaid when _I'm_ here!"

Hidan was clutching his nuts and coughing. He could reply as he fell off the counter and lay on the bar floor, groaning miserably.

I pushed Deidara off the bar counter and laughed hysterically. "I am the fucking queen of this bar, bitches!"

The barmaid in question appeared behind the counter and said, softly, "Please don't stand on the counter…"

I hopped off and leaned over the counter to smile flirtatiously at the barmaid. "Whatever you want, babydoll. I know you're just flirting with me – it's okay – I'm waaaaay hotter than those two idiots over there."

Deidara was poking Hidan as Hidan rolled about on the floor clutching ice to his balls.

"Flirting?" asked the barmaid.

"Yeah," I said. "You gave Hidan your number – but we all know it was meant for me."

"Actually," said the barmaid nervously. "It was meant for him…" She pointed somewhere across the bar. The camera moved across the bar to reveal Itachi sitting alone at a booth, sipping a bottle of sake.

The screen buzzed again and the image changed to Leader sitting alone at his desk. He was flipping through papers and documents that we could read. He signed something and then moved to the stapler. He slipped the papers inside and pressed down.

He screamed.

Not just any scream – a high pitched, shrill scream that had no place on a man.

Leader jumped up and down waving his hand about wildly. The staple embedded in his index finger flashed in the light of the room.

The scream seemed to last forever. Finally he sat down again and, making a face, he gripped the staple between his fingers and yanked it out. Tears welled up in Leader's eyes and he slammed his head against the desk.

The screen changed again. This time it was Kate walking down the hallway in the middle of the night. She pushed open the door to a room and crept inside. She crawled into bed and curled up in the arms of her boyfriend.

"Hey, Baby," she said softly.

There was no response.

"I can't sleep," she said softly.

No reply.

Kate rolled over to face her boyfriend. "Wake up."

The lights flickered on to reveal Hidan standing in the doorway. Kate looked from him to the person sleeping next to her. Bloodied eyes and a black-and-blue face, turned purple from death. His intestines were spilling out onto the bed.

Kate screamed.

I yawned and sat up on the other side of the bed. "What's going on?"

"You _sleep next to that thing_!" wailed Kate, landing on the floor and began hyperventilating.

I prodded the dead body. "Mr. Snuffles? How did you get in my bed?"

"Kate!" said Hidan irritably. "It doesn't work if you wake up first and find Mr. Snuffles."

"Mr. Snuffles!"

"He's a record holder," said Dessie. "He lasted almost two months."

"When we surgically removed part of his spine, he kicked the bucket," said Hidan.

Kate started bawling.

The screen turned black and then moved to the next image. Tobi was sitting on his bed, his back turned to the camera. Deidara walked into the room to get something from beneath his bed. He couldn't find what he was looking for – then his eyes fell on Tobi and his jaw dropped.

"Deidara-senpai," said Tobi. "Tobi didn't know you were interested in naked women. Does Deidara-senpai use them for art?"

Deidara leapt across the room and yanked a magazine out of Tobi's grasp.

"Don't go digging through my stuff!" He paused and turned to face the camera. "Hannah! Don't hide in my closet and set Tobi up to this!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Hannah! You bitch! I will blow your ass back to Tex-ass if you don't–"

The image changed and revealed Konan sitting behind her desk writing something. She seemed perfectly at peace, until a blue light appeared behind the edge of the desk. At first, Konan didn't notice it. The light grew bright. Her eyes fell on it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
>She fell out her seat and sprinted across the room. She dove head first out of the window.<p>

The camera moved back to the blue light to reveal Hannah with a flashlight and blue paper. She grinned at the camera.

The image changed again.

Deidara, Hidan, and I were standing on the roof of the old hideout with sheets tied around our necks like super hero capes.

"Bitches of the world – beware!" I scream, thrusting my fist in the air. "Batman is here to save the day!"

"I want to be Batman," said Deidara.

Hidan was chugging a bottle of sake.

"Shut up, Deidara," I snapped. "Hidan's Robin and you're Batwoman."

"Why can't you be the woman, uhn?"

"Because I have more balls that you do, asshole!" I grabbed the bottle of sake from Hidan and finished it. "Villains of the world beware! Batman is here to stop you!" I sprinted to the edge of the roof and jumped off – Evil Bat Swoop!"

There was a pause and then a heavy crunch somewhere off camera.

Hidan and Deidara rushed to the edge off the roof and my voice came from somewhere below.

"I think I broke my neck…"

Hidan cracked up laughing. He slammed his fists against the roof and rolled about – trembling with mirth. Until he rolled right off the roof.

There was another crash. Silence. And then – "Fuck! Can Kakuzu fix broken spines?"

Scene change.

Tobi was standing in the kitchen. I walked in and turned on the coffee machine.

"There'd better be enough for me."

I turned to stare at Tobi, one eyebrow cocked. "You're not Tobi."

"Madara."

"I don't think we've met in person," I said. "I'm Dessie."

"The Annoying Bitch Who Won't Shut Up And Thinks She Hot But Really Isn't – I know who you are."

I smiled sweetly. "You can insult me all you want, Madara – but the moment you turn back into Tobi, you're going to be trying to hug me every two seconds and I will be reject you."

Madara's one visible eye narrowed. "Tobi has terrible taste."

"Tobi has great taste – he can recognize a Hottie like me."

The coffee beep done and I reached for it. Madara snatched the coffee from my reach and drank all the freshly made coffee from the pot. He finished, slammed the pot on the counter and said, "That was the last of the coffee. Kisame hasn't been to the store."

I twitched. "You son of a bitch – _I need my fucking coffee and vodka_!"

Madara smiled. And then bent over and threw up all over the kitchen floor.

I paused. Blinked. And then fell over laughing. "Too much coffee – oh my Warg – the criminal mastermind can't hold down hot coffee!"

The scene changed again.

It was the middle of the night and Tobi was walking down the hallway, his arms stretched out in front of him like a zombie.

A voice off camera whispered: "He's sleepwalking."

"This ought to be good." (Hannah)

The camera followed Tobi down the hall and to the basement door. Tobi headed down the stairs. He cross the basement floor and crawled into bed with Kakuzu. Kakuzu rolled over and wrapped an arm around Tobi's shoulders.

"Tobu loves you, Nunu," said Tobi softly.

"I love you too…" said Kakuzu sleepily. "Now shut up."

The scene changed again. Deidara was working on his clay in the middle of a forest. He kept prodding the material and adding more chakra to it.

BOOM!

The clay exploded, leaving Deidara sitting there – his blond hair sitting straight up and his face covered in soot.

"Shit, uhn."

The video switched to Zetsu sitting in a chair, smiling at the camera. "No matter how hard we tried we could not we could not get an embarrassing picture of Itachi." Zetsu cringed. "He's just too cool. The closest thing we could get is this."

The scene changed to Itachi sitting on the sofa reading a book. He paused. Look up. And sneezed. Then went back to reading his book.

Zetsu appeared back on screen. "Itachi! The moment you do something stupid – we will be there. We will be watching. We will be waiting. With our camera."

The scene changed to Tobi running through a field of flowers giggling delightedly. At the top of his voice he was yelling:

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a bad boy who will rule the world and destroy mankind as we know it! Tobi will rip out the bad people's hearts and feed them to the dogs! Tobi will dig up dead bodies and stitch together their bodies and give them life to make giant killing machines that eat the brains of the living! Tobi will devour your souls! Tobi will murder children, make soups from their spleens and feed them to their parents! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!"

Tobi paused and giggled.

"Tobi's just making sure you're listening."

The scene changed again to show Hannah sitting on her bed, smiling demonically at the camera. "And this one is my personal favorite – so, Zetsu, if you ever show this video to anyone for entertainment and ruin my blackmail video, you will also have to sit through this – have fun!"

The screen switched to Zetsu's plant garden. Zetsu was walking through the garden, watering plants and talking to flowers. Then, suddenly, I giant man-eating plant opened its jaws and ate Zetsu. It didn't eat Zetsu entirely. His feet remained sticking out of the mouth, kicking about wildly.

The screen changed back to Hannah.

"This video goes on for six hours. So, I'll skip to the end."

The screen change again to show the plant – Zetsu's feet no long sticking out of it. The plant twitched and started thrashing about wildly. Then – suddenly – it stopped. A hole appeared in the plant's side with white teeth munching on the green exterior. The munching teeth continued until the hole grew large enough for Zetsu to slip out of the plant.

Zetsu stood in his garden and eyed the plant that had just eaten him suspiciously. A guilty look crossed his face and – after a pause – Zetsu carried on to eat the rest of the plant.

The video returned to Hannah sitting on her bed.

"Zetsu! You may have devour the evidence, but you cannot erase this tape," said Hannah. "You can claim not to be a cannibal – but _I_ know the truth. You eat humans _and_ plants!"

She grinned. "Thanks for watching Hannah and Zetsu's Video Of Evil Blackmail. I warn you now. I have more videos. Don't mess with me – I know your weak spots."

The screen turned black,

I sat on the couch, the bottle of vodka in my hand completely forgotten. Slowly, I turned to face Zetsu and Tobi who were sitting on the couch staring at the TV screen blankly.

"Really?" I asked. "Really?"

Tobi screamed. "Tobi is a good boy! He swears!"

"Sure," said Kisame.

Tobi fled the room, weeping freely.

When I turned back to the couch, Zetsu had disappeared.

Kisame was sitting completely still. He glanced awkwardly at me. "You fell off a roof pretending to be Batman."

I smiled.

"You thought a barmaid was hitting on you, but instead she was hitting on Itachi."

My smiled widened.

"You slept with Mr. Snuffles."

I grinned broadly.

"_Madara stole your coffee_!"

I giggled. "You ate shark."

"Shut up."

I turned back to the TV and picked up the remote. "So, you want to watch it again?"

"Of course."

* * *

><p>I don't remember how many times we watched that video. It must have been more than fifty. We watched it over and over and over again until we both fell asleep in our chairs. I don't remember what I dreamed about after that, but at some point I woke up in the pitch black might and found that I wasn't alone in the lazy boy.<p>

Hannah, Deidara, and Kakuzu were fast asleep on the sofa. Kate was curled up in Kisame's lap while Leader slept on the floor, curled up like a cat. My head rolled to the side and I saw Hidan fast asleep next to me in the lazy boy.

I prodded him in the side. "Hidan. Get off."

"No."

I sighed and closed my eyes again. "Whatever."

And then I fell back to sleep and dreamed of a giant Zetsu eating all the plants in the world while Batwoman Deidara and Robin Hidan tried to stop him. However, Mr. Snuffles rose from the grave and joined forces with Zetsu. The blue light appeared and Konan ran into Leader who was fighting for his life while engaged in an epic battle with the stapler. Kate was mortified with Kisame, who was trying to eat his own arm as Hannah filmed it. Tobi was slicing off Kakuzu's head and he tried to rip out my heart. I needed my super coffee to save me, but Madara had finished off the last coffee in the world (that bastard). And then Itachi was sitting on the couch. Looking as cool and sexy as usual.

Damn him.


	83. It's A Way Of Life

******A/N: I'm disappointed in those of you who didn't review the last three chapters - that's why I took along time to upload - don't disappoint the Review Whore! But, forget that since I want to end on a happy note - THE LAST CHAPTER! **

**Read, review, and above all else ENJOY!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Three: It's A Way Of Life<strong>

**Kate**

We end this section of the story the same way we always do – with the Akatsuki out drinking. What? Did you expect anything different? How else will Hannah get material for her horrifying videos?

Where to begin this chapter? Let's see…

Love Guru Conference.

Kisame and I had snuck away from the group and were holding a conference in the hallway leading to the bathrooms. We stood facing each other, our backs pressed against opposite walls, and our heads pressed together.

"I don't like this," said Kisame.

"Hidan cannot stop loving Dessie," I said, nodding.

"Not just that," said Kisame. "Hannah cannot date Kakuzu."

I nodded. "Definitely not allowed." I paused and then giggled hysterically.

"What is it?" asked Kisame. "What's so funny? Do you know something that you're not sharing with your beloved Love Guru?"

I pulled his ear close to my mouth and whispered the secret of secrets in his ear. Kisame's eyes bugged out of his head and he pulled away, grinning at me. "No way…"

"It's true. Dessie knows it too. And Kakuzu, I think."

"But Hannah doesn't?"

I shook my head.

"Oh this is rich." Kisame took a swing of sake. "Hannah and Kakuzu are too evil of a couple – they're not allowed to be together. It would wreak havoc on the world and I don't think the Fence can handle it."

"Of course," I said. "And Dessie and Hidan were your first success – we cannot let them break up."

"Exactly. They were meant for each other! They're perfect."

"I know! Dessidan all the way!'

I squeaked and turned to see Konan standing next to us, her eyes filled with excitement.

"What are you doing here?" asked Kisame.

"This is a Love Guru Conference, right?" asked Konan. "You guys ship Dessidan and Hannara too, right?"

"Well… yeah…"

Konan patted Kisame on the shoulder. "The Love Guru, his helpful She-Cupid, and their very own Aphrodite – we'll make a great team."

After some careful planning, we headed back for the main table. Dessie was sitting between Sasori and Hidan, getting extremely wasted while Sasori looked out of place and Hidan looked pissed that she was drunker than he was. Zetsu was planning to get revenge on Hannah for filming his 'episode' with the plant while she was plotting another black market scheme with Kakuzu. Deidara had somehow begun an arm-wrestling match with Leader and so far neither of them were budging – though they had broken a couple of tables. Itachi was looking cool. Tobi was beginning Hannah to let him drink, but she was ignoring him.

"What were you three demons plotting?" asked Dessie, banging her empty bottle on the table. "Something evil, wasn't it?"

"Oh nothing," said Konan.

"We're trying to get you and Hidan back together because you two are perfect," I said. "And we're trying to break up Kakuzu and Hannah."

"Don't interfere," said Hannah, still engaged in her conversation with Kakuzu.

"I don't like her anymore," said Hidan, pointing at Dessie. "Who the fuck would ever like a bitch-whore like her?'

Dessie snorted. "You did."

"Yeah, but who would keep liking you?" asked Hidan. "You're a fucking pain in the ass. You're violent. You won't shut the fuck up. You stalk hotties. You swear. You kill for fun. You bathe in blood. You're evil. And you're a bitch."

"It's like you're describing yourself," said Konan.

Behind her a table shattered and Deidara and Leader moved to a new table to start their arm-wrestling match again.

"I'm nothing like that bitch!" cried Hidan.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore!" screamed Dessie, getting to her feet. "Or I will butcher you where you stand!"

"Like you fucking could!"

"Asshole!"

"Bitch!"

Dessie raised her fist and then paused. A wicked grin spread across her face. She glanced at me and then back at Hidan. "There's only one way to settle this shit."

Hidan followed her gaze. Me and back. Then a wry grin spread across his face. "You're right."

"What's that?" asked Kisame.

Dessie and Hidan sat down. "Order another round of drinks. Get wasted. Go on a killing spree. And remain just friends for the rest of eternity."

"No!"

I slammed my fist on the counter and glowered at Dessie and Hidan. "Don't give me this bullshit."

"That was Felix," said Kisame.

Felix turned around. "Let Kate have her seemingly-badass moment here, Fish Fry!"

I turned back to Dessie and Hidan. "The Love Guru _finally_ succeeded in making a couple – then two days later you two break up and claim to be _just friends_ – no! The Love Guru worked too hard and too long to put up with this! You are his only success! So you two had better kiss and make up and get back together! Now!"

Dessie blinked. "I'm confused – you want us to get back together to make Kisame happy?"

I glared.

"You know," said Hannah. "Dessie and Hidan weren't the Love Guru's first success."

"Huh?"

"You do realize that you and Kisame are the only consistent couple in the Akatsuki – doesn't that make you the only successful relationship this group have – and probably will ever have."

I blinked, stood upright and turned to look at Kisame. "Oh right, we are a couple."

"Yeah…" he said slowly. "We are."

I giggled. "We're like the ideal couple! All these other couples look at the Love Guru and his She-Cupid and think – _we want to be just like them and their eternal love_."

"We sure as hell don't," said Dessie.

"I'm going to puke," said Hannah.

"We'd rather eat a plant again," muttered Zetsu.

I stopped listening at that point. I was too busy gazing at Kisame adoringly.

"You know," he said, wrapping his arm around my waist. "The hideout is empty. We can go and [omitted]."

"Yeah…"

And we'll end my part of this story right here. The next part is too mature for your innocent and virgin ears.

**Hannah**

Konan slid into the seat next to me. We watched for a while as Dessie and Hidan argued over the best way to decapitate a guy, while Sasori decided it was time to start drinking. Deidara and Leader were still in a tightly-locked arm-wrestling competition.

"Leader's an idiot," I said.

"He's always an idiot," said Konan fondly. "Sometimes he just hides it better than everyone else."

"Hm – you need to alert me the next time he's about to do something stupid – I'll bring the video camera."

"Right…"

After Leader and Deidara broke their fourth table a bartender started yelling at them and they slunk back to the booth. Deidara looked slightly ashamed whereas Leader walked about proudly.

"I won," said Leader.

"You cheated," said Deidara.

"So?"

"Nothing, uhn."

Leader turned to Konan and grinned wickedly. "I'm not the leader of the Akatsuki for no reason."

"Yes," I muttered. "Because beating Deidara in an arm-wrestling competition is an impressive feat."

"It is."

"It's Deidara – his arms are like sticks."

We all eyed Deidara's semi-skimpy arms and agreed that it wasn't that impressive to beat him in arm-wrestling. Finally, Leader turned to Itachi and said, "Uchiha – I challenge you."

Itachi glanced up from his sake. "Hn?'

"I challenge you to an arm wrestling competition!"

"Hn."

"He says you can't be serious," translated Sasori.

"How'd you get that?" asked Konan.

"I've been practicing," said Sasori. He took another sip of sake.

"Fight me!" cried Leader, jumping to his feet. He wobbled for a second and then pointed at Itachi again. "You are considered the second strongest in the Akatsuki–"

"Hn."

"He says he's the strongest.'

"_I'm_ the strongest," said Leader. "And, as the second, strongest in the Akatsuki – I need to defeat you in order to maintain my position as Leader."

"Hn."

"He wants to know in what world does that make sense."

"_Just fight me_!"

Itachi sighed and got to his feet. He followed Leader to a table that was actually intact. Leader put his elbow on the table and lifted his hand. Itachi sighed and mimicked Leader.

"Three… Two… One…"

Itachi slammed Leader's hand down on the table. Then, Itachi let go and returned to his seat and his bottle of sake.

"You cheated!" cried Leader. "Fight me again!"

"Hn."

"He says humiliating you once was enough."

Leader glared.

Konan patted Leader on the shoulder. "It's okay, no one has lost any respect for you – I don't even think half of us saw it."

"Oh, we saw it," said Dessie loudly.

"And it's on camera," I said, waving my video camera around for Leader to see.

Leader turned to Konan. "I hate those two. Can we kill them?"

"In their sleep," said Konan.

Kakuzu was sitting across the table from me. Somehow he had ended up squeezed between Deidara and Zetsu. Never a happy situation. I grinned at Kakuzu and hence the silence conversation began (yes, we have silent conversations, don't you?)

_Having fun_? I asked with my eyes.

_Of course, aren't you?_

_Leader is plotting my death_.

Kakuzu smirked. _I'm not saving you._

I shrugged and smiled back. _That's okay. I'm videotaping you later tonight._

Kakuzu tilted his head to the side, confused.

Laughing slightly, I motion for him to come closer. Kakuzu leaned forward slightly, still trying to figure out what on the Fence I was doing. I stood up and leaned across the table to kiss him. Then I sat back down and watched.

Kakuzu was confused.

Deidara was purple.

Zetsu finished off his bottle of sake in one go. "We should take this outside."

Deidara didn't bother to go outside. He dive-tackled Kakuzu to the ground, taking Zetsu with him. Chaos ensued. Zetsu tried to eat Kakuzu's arm, while Kakuzu throttled Deidara. When Kakuzu tried to unleash his wind hurricaine on Zetsu, Deidara's spiders started crawling through Kakuzu's hair. Kakuzu managed to harden his body just in time, but Zetsu got a chunk of Kakuzu's leg in his mouth.

I grinned as the video camera zoomed in on Deidara trying to pull out Kakuzu's hair.

"You planned this?" asked Konan.

"He's such a great boyfriend," I said with a sigh.

Konan inched away from me.

**Dessie**

Hidan had decided to go hit on the hot hooker in the corner – which meant sex and sacrifice so Hidan wouldn't have to pay. That left me alone, drinking with Sasori.

"This sucks," I said.

"I'm not going to sleep with you," said Sasori.

"Please?"

"No."

I sighed. "I thought you had drunk enough by now…"

Sasori shook his head. "I will never be drunk enough to sleep with you."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

I took a long swing of sake and sighed. "So now what do I do?"

"You chase after Hotties until you find another guy and then you screw around with him until he leaves you and you leave him because he has realized you're a bitch who will never stop being bitchy."

"Yep. That sounds accurate."

Sasori took another sip from his bottle.

"But you'll be here to get drunk with me, right?"

"Sure."

I grinned. "See – aren't you glad I brought you here from Seanova?'

"No."

"Aw, you're so cute when you lie."

Konan and Leader got to their feet – Konan was regarded Hannah with rather terrified eyes.

"We're going to head back to the hideout," said Konan nervously.

"Beware Kate and Kisame," said Hannah, still videotaping Kakuzu, Deidara, and Zetsu.

"If we have to watch one second of them going at it I will rip out their eyeballs and then give Kisame's eyes to Kate and Kate's eyes to Kisame – then I'll make them watch every humiliating video Hannah has of them."

"I have videos dedicated to Kate and Kisame alone," said Hannah.

"You're leaving already?" I asked. "That's boring."

"Leader's drunk enough," said Konan.

I snorted and pointed to the mountain of unopened bottles of sake. "You're not drunk until the lights have gone out. Come on, Leader – or are you not man enough to drink with me?"

Leader glowered at me. He glanced at Itachi, who was sipping his sake quietly. Leader sat back down and grabbed a bottle. "You're on."

And so, the drinking competition began.

It went on for a while. I forget what actually happened, but I know I won in the end. Leader was lying underneath the table making a puddle of drool while Hannah taped it. Konan gave up on trying to help him and occupied herself with tried to keep Tobi away from the alcohol. Hannah did not have enough video cameras for that night.

Alcohol. Parties. Acting like idiots. Trying to kill each other. Having hilarious romantic triangles. Drinking competitions. Humiliating Leader. Murdering random strangers. Making kinky jokes. Tormenting Tobi. Plotting with the Love Guru. Trying to make Itachi look uncool. Bullying Deidara. Worshipping random gods. Getting wasted. Trying to take over the world. Failing miserably. Again. And then videotaping it all for blackmail purposes.

How could this life ever grow old?


	84. Author's Note

**Thank you to everyone who stayed with me through two books, you have no idea how much this means to me, and I thank you all over and over again. I don't know how I can repay you for reading my works – and REVIEWING – but I am writing a third book – it will be the third and final installment in this. I will not write another one. Got it? Good. But know that I write the third installment with all my love for my amazing reviewers! You guys are awesome.**

**So, now on to the thank yous –**

**1) ****Thanks you to those of you who made fanart for my fanfiction: Kaitaru Hatake, Kibi Tosame, Akatsuki-Gal, Nixxh, LadyShirahime93, 2lazy2thinkofaname, and a huge thank you to 1te5o6 who created the cover pages for my two stories. If you want to see all the fanart go to Fallen03 (my profile page, go to favorites, and I made a folder for all the fanart). Go check it out!**

**2) ****If I had the time and patience to go through every single ch****apter of my story and tell you the name of every single person who reviewed, I would. Unfortunately, I am not that great. (Sorry). I will just say THANK YOU I LOVE YOU ALL! And those of you who reviewed every single chapter – you are my heroes. I love you to pieces.**

**3) ****I have written about fifty chapter in my chapter plan for book 3, so that should be coming out soon – yay! When Gods Go Criminally Insane. Enjoy!**

**Okay, now that I've been completely sappy and pathetic for the last few minutes, the Thank You section is coming to a close. It's funny how I can write two long stories and entertain you all – but in the end, I really cannot use words to describe how happy you all and your reviews make me.**

**So, thank you, and I hope to see you for book 3,**

**~Fallen Angels Still Have Wings**


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